Chumworth on the News » Sarah Palin

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

chumworth — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 17:34:49 +0000

A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,000 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin.

For $63,000 she’ll not only have dinner with you, she’ll also show you to the table at Applebee’s.

Download audio file (dave_092509.mp3)

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

chumworth — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 23:33:28 +0000

Sarah Palin was in New York City yesterday.

She had a great time; she spent the day shooting rats from a helicopter.

Download audio file (dave_060909.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

chumworth — Thu, 12 Mar 2009 15:12:26 +0000

Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have split up.

Right about now Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with a rifle.

Download audio file (dave_031209.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

chumworth — Wed, 11 Feb 2009 16:54:04 +0000

Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday today to Sarah Palin.

I don’t want to say how old she is, but from her house she can see 50.

Download audio file (dave_021109.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Adios 2008 – You Betcha!

chumworth — Wed, 31 Dec 2008 17:40:06 +0000

As I write this 2008 is swirling faster and faster around the toilet bowl, about to be flushed away forever. It’s been a strange year for me, lots of ups (Sarah Palin!) and downs (the Penguins blew it in the Stanley Cup finals). However, December turned out to be very strong, comedy-wise! Behold, my highlights, such as they were, for this month.

David Letterman told a whole bunch of my jokes in December, starting with these two on the December 8 Late Show:

OJ Simpson was convicted on Friday to 33 years in prison, but it could be less with good behavior.

That seems likely because, really, when you think of OJ, you think of good behavior.

Legal experts say his main problem was his lawyer couldn’t find anything that rhymes with memorabilia.

Download audio file (dave_120808.mp3)

On December 10 Dave told this one:

The Yankees have signed free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia.

The deal is pending a physical by Madonna.

Download audio file (dave_121008.mp3)

Dave told this one on December 15:

Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.

Luckily President Bush was able to dodge the shoe. I believe he hasn’t dodged something like that since the Vietnam War.

Download audio file (dave_121508.mp3)

On December 17 Dave again told two of my jokes:

On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first flight.

Orville made the first flight – 852 feet. Here’s the weird thing: somehow his luggage landed up in Dallas.

Those first flights were rough, it was drafty, it was cold, it was cramped, there was no food – today we call that JetBlue.

Download audio file (dave_121708.mp3)

Finally, the last joke of mine that Dave told in 2008 came on December 18:

It’s Christmas time so it’s tip time.

I’m all set for that; earlier today I went to the bank and got a roll of quarters.

Download audio file (dave_121808.mp3)

To top it all off, I got my annual Christmas present from Dave – another Late Show jacket! Check it out:

So, all in all, it was a good ending to my monologue joke writing year! Thanks Dave!

On the cartooning front, IT World has decided to continue publishing my cartoon IT Underworld into the new year! I’ll continue to put out a new one of those every week – tell your friends!

Here is this week’s cartoon:

Finally, the year was capped off with the just about the best Christmas present I’ve ever gotten – fleece football pants! Tell me these aren’t sweet:

OK, bring on 2009!

Happy New Year!

Stuffed

chumworth — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 01:15:05 +0000

I hope everybody had as nice a Thanksgiving as I did. I loaded up on gravy, mashed potatoes and pie – all of which has once again gone right to my hips. The holidays always wreak havoc on my figure.

Aside from the orgy of food, it was also a good week for comedy! I cranked out two more poorly drawn cartoons and David Letterman told two of my jokes on TV!

Let’s start with the jokes. First, Dave told this one on Monday’s Late Show (11/24/08):

Political insiders are now saying that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have formed a good working relationship but they don’t have a close personal relationship.

That’s right, Obama and Hillary have a good working relationship but not a close personal relationship – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.

Download audio file (dave_112408.mp3)

Then, he told this little throw-away line that I wrote on his Thanksgiving Day show (11/27/08):

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

Sarah Palin, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick…

Download audio file (dave_112708.mp3)

Following on this Thanksgiving theme, IT World published my latest IT Underworld cartoon:

Last and pretty much least, I closed out the Thanksgiving week by posting yet another Schwilm cartoon:

OK, enough with Thanksgiving! Time to get to work on Christmas and Hanukkah material…

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

chumworth — Thu, 27 Nov 2008 17:11:32 +0000

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

Sarah Palin, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick…

Download audio file (dave_112708.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Adios, Sarah! Plus, More Toons!

chumworth — Sun, 23 Nov 2008 01:54:51 +0000

Am I the only one who thinks the presidential election season was too short? I was thoroughly enjoying it! In particular, I enjoyed that wacky Sarah Palin. Oh yes, you couldn’t make her up. She is a gold mine of joke material!

To wit, David Letterman told the following joke that I wrote on the Late Show the day after the election (11/5/08).

Now that the election is finally over, Sarah Palin is headed back to Alaska.

I know one thing: I wouldn’t want to be a moose now.

Download audio file (dave_110508.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Now that the election is finally over I am drowning my sorrows in cartooning! it is not a pretty sight. See for yourselves:

My latest Schwilm cartoon:

My latest IT Underworld cartoon:

If you like ‘em, please spread the word!

In the meantime, the 2012 presidential campaign should be kicking off any minute here. Yay! I can’t wait!

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

chumworth — Wed, 05 Nov 2008 15:40:22 +0000

Now that the election is finally over, Sarah Palin is headed back to Alaska.

I know one thing: I wouldn’t want to be a moose now.

Download audio file (dave_110508.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

The Week That Was…

chumworth — Sat, 04 Oct 2008 23:33:48 +0000

I don’t know about you, but for me it was a busy week, comedy writing-wise!

On Tuesday, I posted a new Schwilm cartoon, continuing the mock vice presidential debate that started here.

I’m publishing one new Schwilm comic per week. Tell your friends! If you don’t have any friends, tell your enemies!

On Wednesday (10/1/08), David Letterman told not just one but two of my jokes on the Late Show! Here there are:

Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.

You know you’re in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle.

Download audio file (dave_100108-1.mp3)

Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.

She says it’s really helped her on foreign policy because in Arizone she can see Mexico.

Download audio file (dave_100108-2.mp3)

You can watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Then came Thursday, featuring the long awaited, not-to-be-duplicated vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin! During the debate I was Twittering like crazy. Here are some highlights:

08:00 PM October 02, 2008 right about now joe biden is combing his hair plugs.

08:35 PM October 02, 2008 right about now, sarah palin is warming up her flute…

08:46 PM October 02, 2008 here’s the breakdown for tonight’s debate: 1/3 foreign policy, 1/3 economics and 1/3 skeet shooting.

09:04 PM October 02, 2008 i wonder if sarah palin is wearing underwear? hell, i wonder if joe biden is wearing underwear…

09:06 PM October 02, 2008 governor palin, you had me at “you betcha”.

09:22 PM October 02, 2008 i’d like to frisk sarah palin for a weapon.

09:48 PM October 02, 2008 SP said nuculer again. i think we all know that’s a bad sign…

09:58 PM October 02, 2008 palin “we’re building schools for children – no gay children, of course, though, you betcha.”

10:12 PM October 02, 2008 palin “teachers need to be paid more – well, not the gay ones.”

10:22 PM October 02, 2008 wonder if palin could humor us and actually pronounce a “g” at the end of a word. just once. either that or flash some cleavage.

10:30 PM October 02, 2008 palin “i like being able to answers these tough questions without answering these tough questions.”

10:31 PM October 02, 2008 sarah palin is scary as hell – and dreamy!

10:34 PM October 02, 2008 dang, i was hoping biden would pat palin on the ass on the way out.

If you’re on Twitter, be sure to follow me follow here. I’ll be commenting live during the last two presidential debates, so be sure to check it out!

Finally, on Friday, Dave Letterman closed out his monologue by telling another one of my jokes!

John McCain watched the debate and loved Sarah Palin’s performance.

As a matter of fact he applauded so much all of the lights in his house kept going on and off.

Download audio file (dave_100308.mp3)

You can watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Whew!

Oh yeah, let’s not forget that Friday also featured O.J. Simpson getting sent to the hoosegow for a good long time!

Next week will have a hard time matching up…