As I write this 2008 is swirling faster and faster around the toilet bowl, about to be flushed away forever. It’s been a strange year for me, lots of ups (Sarah Palin!) and downs (the Penguins blew it in the Stanley Cup finals). However, December turned out to be very strong, comedy-wise! Behold, my highlights, such as they were, for this month.
David Letterman told a whole bunch of my jokes in December, starting with these two on the December 8 Late Show:
OJ Simpson was convicted on Friday to 33 years in prison, but it could be less with good behavior.
That seems likely because, really, when you think of OJ, you think of good behavior.
Legal experts say his main problem was his lawyer couldn’t find anything that rhymes with memorabilia.
On December 10 Dave told this one:
The Yankees have signed free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia.
The deal is pending a physical by Madonna.
Dave told this one on December 15:
Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.
Luckily President Bush was able to dodge the shoe. I believe he hasn’t dodged something like that since the Vietnam War.
On December 17 Dave again told two of my jokes:
On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first flight.
Orville made the first flight - 852 feet. Here’s the weird thing: somehow his luggage landed up in Dallas.
Those first flights were rough, it was drafty, it was cold, it was cramped, there was no food - today we call that JetBlue.
Finally, the last joke of mine that Dave told in 2008 came on December 18:
It’s Christmas time so it’s tip time.
I’m all set for that; earlier today I went to the bank and got a roll of quarters.
To top it all off, I got my annual Christmas present from Dave - another Late Show jacket! Check it out:
So, all in all, it was a good ending to my monologue joke writing year! Thanks Dave!
On the cartooning front, IT World has decided to continue publishing my cartoon IT Underworld into the new year! I’ll continue to put out a new one of those every week - tell your friends!
Here is this week’s cartoon:
Finally, the year was capped off with the just about the best Christmas present I’ve ever gotten - fleece football pants! Tell me these aren’t sweet:
I hope everybody had as nice a Thanksgiving as I did. I loaded up on gravy, mashed potatoes and pie - all of which has once again gone right to my hips. The holidays always wreak havoc on my figure.
Aside from the orgy of food, it was also a good week for comedy! I cranked out two more poorly drawn cartoons and David Letterman told two of my jokes on TV!
Let’s start with the jokes. First, Dave told this one on Monday’s Late Show (11/24/08):
Political insiders are now saying that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have formed a good working relationship but they don’t have a close personal relationship.
That’s right, Obama and Hillary have a good working relationship but not a close personal relationship - no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.
Then, he told this little throw-away line that I wrote on his Thanksgiving Day show (11/27/08):
I have a lot to be thankful for this year.
Sarah Palin, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick…
Following on this Thanksgiving theme, IT World published my latest IT Underworld cartoon:
Last and pretty much least, I closed out the Thanksgiving week by posting yet another Schwilm cartoon:
OK, enough with Thanksgiving! Time to get to work on Christmas and Hanukkah material…
Am I the only one who thinks the presidential election season was too short? I was thoroughly enjoying it! In particular, I enjoyed that wacky Sarah Palin. Oh yes, you couldn’t make her up. She is a gold mine of joke material!
To wit, David Letterman told the following joke that I wrote on the Late Show the day after the election (11/5/08).
Now that the election is finally over, Sarah Palin is headed back to Alaska.
I know one thing: I wouldn’t want to be a moose now.
You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
Now that the election is finally over I am drowning my sorrows in cartooning! it is not a pretty sight. See for yourselves:
I don’t know about you, but for me it was a busy week, comedy writing-wise!
On Tuesday, I posted a new Schwilm cartoon, continuing the mock vice presidential debate that started here.
I’m publishing one new Schwilm comic per week. Tell your friends! If you don’t have any friends, tell your enemies!
On Wednesday (10/1/08), David Letterman told not just one but two of my jokes on the Late Show! Here there are:
Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.
You know you’re in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle.
Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.
She says it’s really helped her on foreign policy because in Arizone she can see Mexico.
You can watch the video of the entire monologue here.
Then came Thursday, featuring the long awaited, not-to-be-duplicated vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin! During the debate I was Twittering like crazy. Here are some highlights:
08:00 PM October 02, 2008 right about now joe biden is combing his hair plugs.
08:35 PM October 02, 2008 right about now, sarah palin is warming up her flute…
08:46 PM October 02, 2008 here’s the breakdown for tonight’s debate: 1/3 foreign policy, 1/3 economics and 1/3 skeet shooting.
09:04 PM October 02, 2008 i wonder if sarah palin is wearing underwear? hell, i wonder if joe biden is wearing underwear…
09:06 PM October 02, 2008 governor palin, you had me at “you betcha”.
09:22 PM October 02, 2008 i’d like to frisk sarah palin for a weapon.
09:48 PM October 02, 2008 SP said nuculer again. i think we all know that’s a bad sign…
09:58 PM October 02, 2008 palin “we’re building schools for children - no gay children, of course, though, you betcha.”
10:12 PM October 02, 2008 palin “teachers need to be paid more - well, not the gay ones.”
10:22 PM October 02, 2008 wonder if palin could humor us and actually pronounce a “g” at the end of a word. just once. either that or flash some cleavage.
10:30 PM October 02, 2008 palin “i like being able to answers these tough questions without answering these tough questions.”
10:31 PM October 02, 2008 sarah palin is scary as hell - and dreamy!
10:34 PM October 02, 2008 dang, i was hoping biden would pat palin on the ass on the way out.
If you’re on Twitter, be sure to follow me follow here. I’ll be commenting live during the last two presidential debates, so be sure to check it out!
Finally, on Friday, Dave Letterman closed out his monologue by telling another one of my jokes!
John McCain watched the debate and loved Sarah Palin’s performance.
As a matter of fact he applauded so much all of the lights in his house kept going on and off.
You can watch the video of the entire monologue here.
Ok, so, Saturday Night Live has made it loudandclear over the past five years that they have no need of my topical joke writing services. However, David Letterman still likes my stuff! So far this week, he’s used three of my jokes, including two on one show!
The first was on Monday’s Late Show (9/8/08):
The oldest gorilla in captivity died last week at the age of 55.
The oldest known gorilla not in captivity is 61 and is governor of California.
Then came Tuesday’s show (9/9/08) in which he told the following two jokes of mine!
First was this one:
They’re saying now that when John McCain and Sarah Palin are together he will hug her, but he won’t kiss her.
It’s just like Bill and Hillary.
Then he closed out the monologue with this one:
O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.
He has a pretty good alibi; he says he couldn’t have done it because at the time of the robbery he was across town stabbing somebody.
