Chumworth on the News » Bill Clinton

The Apology

chumworth — Fri, 07 Aug 2009 00:39:19 +0000

LATE NIGHT with JIMMY FALLON

chumworth — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 12:41:07 +0000

Bill Clinton and George W. Bush will appear together on stage in Toronto for a two-hour friendly debate.

Each side got to pick a topic, so the first hour will be centered on the international banking crisis, the second hour will be dedicated to NASCAR trivia.

Download audio file (jimmy_042109.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire show here.

Stuffed

chumworth — Mon, 01 Dec 2008 01:15:05 +0000

I hope everybody had as nice a Thanksgiving as I did. I loaded up on gravy, mashed potatoes and pie – all of which has once again gone right to my hips. The holidays always wreak havoc on my figure.

Aside from the orgy of food, it was also a good week for comedy! I cranked out two more poorly drawn cartoons and David Letterman told two of my jokes on TV!

Let’s start with the jokes. First, Dave told this one on Monday’s Late Show (11/24/08):

Political insiders are now saying that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have formed a good working relationship but they don’t have a close personal relationship.

That’s right, Obama and Hillary have a good working relationship but not a close personal relationship – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.

Download audio file (dave_112408.mp3)

Then, he told this little throw-away line that I wrote on his Thanksgiving Day show (11/27/08):

I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

Sarah Palin, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick…

Download audio file (dave_112708.mp3)

Following on this Thanksgiving theme, IT World published my latest IT Underworld cartoon:

Last and pretty much least, I closed out the Thanksgiving week by posting yet another Schwilm cartoon:

OK, enough with Thanksgiving! Time to get to work on Christmas and Hanukkah material…

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

chumworth — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 15:11:04 +0000

Political insiders are now saying that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have formed a good working relationship but they don’t have a close personal relationship.

That’s right, Obama and Hillary have a good working relationship but not a close personal relationship – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.

Download audio file (dave_112408.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Take THAT SNL!

chumworth — Thu, 11 Sep 2008 19:52:36 +0000

Ok, so, Saturday Night Live has made it loud and clear over the past five years that they have no need of my topical joke writing services. However, David Letterman still likes my stuff! So far this week, he’s used three of my jokes, including two on one show!

The first was on Monday’s Late Show (9/8/08):

The oldest gorilla in captivity died last week at the age of 55.

The oldest known gorilla not in captivity is 61 and is governor of California.

Download audio file (dave_090808.mp3)

Then came Tuesday’s show (9/9/08) in which he told the following two jokes of mine!

First was this one:

They’re saying now that when John McCain and Sarah Palin are together he will hug her, but he won’t kiss her.

It’s just like Bill and Hillary.

Download audio file (dave_090908-1.mp3)

Then he closed out the monologue with this one:

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

He has a pretty good alibi; he says he couldn’t have done it because at the time of the robbery he was across town stabbing somebody.

Download audio file (dave_090908-2.mp3)

Thanks, Dave! You’re the wind beneath my wings!

At Least He Only Waggled His Finger

chumworth — Thu, 28 Aug 2008 19:55:57 +0000

I love the Democratic National Convention! Four days of political speeches, video montages, and grown people in funny hats – really, what could be better than that? It’s an endless source of late night monologue joke material.

To wit: Dave Letterman used one of my DNC 08 jokes about Bill Clinton on last night’s Late Show (8/27/08):

Bill Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.

The speech was a big success; he got four standing ovations and five phone numbers.

Of course, the DNC is really just a warm up for next week’s Republican National Convention. Hopefully, Dick Cheney will bring his gun and then the fun can really begin!

Download audio file (dave_082708.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

chumworth — Wed, 27 Aug 2008 19:15:32 +0000

Bill Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.

The speech was a big success; he got four standing ovations and five phone numbers.

Download audio file (dave_082708.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It Takes A Pants Suit

chumworth — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 01:35:37 +0000

After a hard fought primary battle Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now campaigning together! Reminds me of another famous political couple that fought like cats and dogs but, in the end, stuck together. If you don’t know who I mean, perhaps this joke that I wrote and David Letterman closed out his monologue with on Thursday’s Late Show (6/27/08) will clear it up:

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now making campaign appearances together.

During the day they’re at campaign functions together and then at night they go to separate hotels – no wait, I’m sorry, that’s Hillary and Bill.

Download audio file (dave_062708.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

Let’s just hope they don’t show up to a campaign event together in the same pants suit – that’d be awkward.

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN

chumworth — Fri, 27 Jun 2008 23:25:13 +0000

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now making campaign appearances together.

During the day they’re at campaign functions together and then at night they go to separate hotels – no wait, I’m sorry, that’s Hillary and Bill.

Download audio file (dave_062708.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

It Takes A Joke

chumworth — Thu, 20 Mar 2008 19:50:14 +0000

By this time I think we’ve all got a sense of the differences between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama. She’s a woman, he’s a man; she’s white, he’s black; he wears pants suits, she wears … shorter pants suits. You get the idea.

But, aside from both being Democratic Senators, they’re also more alike than you realize. Here, I’ll let David Letterman explain how, using a joke I wrote for him that he told on Wednesday’s Late Show (3/19/08).

If you think about it, Hillary and Obama have a lot in common.

Both are lawyers, both are senators, and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton.

Here’s the audio:

Download audio file (dave_031908.mp3)

You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.

I submitted this joke to the show back in late February. When Dave told it, it took me a second to remember that I had written it. I love when that happens…