I got my start writing jokes for late night shows by submitting jokes to the TONIGHT SHOW with JAY LENO, in 2000. I submitted to the show for about three years.
These are the jokes that I wrote that Jay told on air.
Arianna Huffington has pulled out of the California gubernatorial recall election. Great. Just what California needs – another unemployed alien.
Air date: October 2, 2003
Ben Affleck and Jennfier Lopez were spotted at a courthouse in Savannh, Georgia on Monday. It turns out this was a previously scheduled trip to file for divorce – then they realized they hadn’t actually gotten married yet.
Air date: September 24, 2003
Saddam Hussein’s sons Uday and Qusay were killed by U.S. troops on Tuesday. With them dead, that means the U.S. can focus on getting the biggest fish of all: Martha Stewart.
Air date: July 24, 2003
A Republican-led campaign to recall California Gov. Gray Davis, once dismissed as improbable, now appears poised to qualify for the ballot. This shouldn’t be so surprising. If there’s one thing Republicans are good at, it’s overriding popular votes.
Air date: June 16, 2003
Virgin Atlantic airline has given a woman $20,000 for injuries she suffered after being squeezed next to an obese person on a trans-Atlantic flight. To rub salt in the wound, the obese person also ate her in-flight snack.
Air date: October 28, 2002
An Irish priest who has repeatedly stated he does not believe Jesus Christ was the son of God has resigned from the Church of Ireland. Maybe the Catholic Church will hire him; they’re obviously not too picky about who they hire.
Air date: May 10, 2002
The Los Angeles County District Attorney has decided that it will not seek the death penalty for actor Robert Blake if he is convicted of murdering his wife. In order to get the death penalty in California, there needs to be “special circumstances.” Sure, like not being a celebrity.
Air date: April 30, 2002
A 62-year-old woman in France has given birth to a healthy baby boy, making her one of the oldest moms in the world. Well, that’s one way to save on day care – don’t have your kids until you’re retired.
Air date: June 4, 2001
Actor Johnny Depp says that he lives in France with his girlfriend and 2 year old daughter because America is just too violent. I can’t blame him one bit. Look at all of the violent movies they make these days, like “Blow” and “Donnie Brasco”.
Air date: April 12, 2001
Michael Dudok de Wit received a high-definition TV set for giving the shortest acceptance speech at Sunday’s Academy Awards. Next year the producers plan to DROP a TV set on anybody whose speech goes over 30 seconds.
Air date: March 29, 2001
Republican vice presidential candidate Dick Cheney was hospitalized Wednesday with chest and shoulder pains. You know the Republicans are getting desperate when they start pulling the old Fred Sanford “Elizabeth-I’m-Comin’-To-Join-You-Honey” fake heart attack bit.
Air date: November 23, 2000
The piano on which John Lennon composed “Imagine” was sold for $2.08 million at auction Tuesday. It’s estimated that it could cost another $2 million to tune the piano, which Lennon had tuned using Yoko’s voice.
Air date: October 19, 2000
The artist formerly known as Prince announced Tuesday that he will be, now and forever, known again as Prince. He should change his name one last time to the Artist Who Formerly Sold Albums.
Air date: May 18, 2000