Below are the monologue jokes that I wrote for the Late Show with David Letterman that Dave told on air in 2008. Use the following links to see my jokes that Dave told in other years.
It’s Christmas time so it’s tip time.I’m all set for that; earlier today I went to the bank and got a roll of quarters.
Air Date: December 18, 2008
On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first flight.Orville made the first flight – 852 feet. Here’s the weird thing: somehow his luggage landed up in Dallas.Those first flights were rough, it was drafty, it was cold, it was cramped, there was no food – today we call that JetBlue flights.
Air Date: December 17, 2008
Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.Luckily President Bush was able to dodge the shoe. I believe he hasn’t dodged something like that since the Vietnam War.
Air Date: December 15, 2008
The Yankees have signed free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia.The deal is pending a physical by Madonna.
Air Date: December 10, 2008
OJ Simpson was convicted on Friday to 33 years in prison, but it could be less with good behavior.That seems likely because, really, when you think of OJ, you think of good behavior.Legal experts say his main problem was his lawyer couldn’t find anything that rhymes with memorabilia.
Air Date: December 8, 2008
I have a lot to be thankful for this year.Sarah Palin, Eliot Spitzer, John McCain, Amy Winehouse, Andy Dick…
Air Date: November 27, 2008
Political insiders are now saying that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have formed a good working relationship but they don’t have a close personal relationship.That’s right, Obama and Hillary have a good working relationship but not a close personal relationship – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.
Air Date: November 24, 2008
Now that the election is finally over, Sarah Palin is headed back to Alaska.I know one thing: I wouldn’t want to be a moose now.
Air Date: November 5, 2008
John McCain watched the debate and loved Sarah Palin’s performance.As a matter of fact he applauded so much all of the lights in his house kept going on and off.
Air Date: October 3, 2008
Sarah Palin is training for tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate in Arizona.You know you’re in trouble when your debate goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle.
Air Date: October 1, 2008
All these world leaders while they’re in New York City over at the UN in their free time they’re doing some shopping.Earlier today the Japanese premier got a great deal on Morgan Stanley.
Air Date: September 23, 2008
They’re saying now that when John McCain and Sarah Palin are together he will hug her, but he won’t kiss her.It’s just like Bill and Hillary.
Air Date: September 9, 2008
The oldest gorilla in captivity died last week at the age of 55.The oldest known gorilla not in captivity is 61 and is governor of California.
Air Date: September 8, 2008
Bill Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.The speech was a big success; he got four standing ovations and five phone numbers.
Air Date: August 27, 2008
The Olympics started today over in Beijing.It’s two weeks of competition to see which country has the best pharmacists.
Air Date: August 8, 2008
Brett Favre has approved a trade to the New York Jets.The deal is pending a physical so he can have his head examined.
Air Date: August 7, 2008
Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now making campaign appearances together.During the day they’re at campaign functions together and then at night they go to separate hotels – no wait, I’m sorry, that’s Hillary and Bill.
Air Date: June 27, 2008
It was on this day in 1963 President Kennedy was in Germany and said “Ich bin ein Berliner”.Now it’d be nice if we had a president who could speak English.
Air Date: June 26, 2008
Yesterday former Vice President Al Gore officially endorsed Barack Obama.Political experts say this should give Obama’s campaign a much needed shot of boredom.
Air Date: June 17, 2008
It was hot and humid here in New York today.It was so hot today that thing on Donald Trump’s head was panting.
Air Date: June 10, 2008
This weekend the Pope will be holding a mass at Yankee Stadium.When he’s done there he’ll go over to Madison Square Garden and administer last rights to the Knicks.
Air Date: April 16, 2008
Hillary Clinton has another campaign ad now showing her getting up at 3:00am to take an emergency phone call.John McCain has his own ad about getting up at 3:00am, except in his ad he gets up to go to the bathroom.
Air Date: April 3, 2008
We learned this week that former Governor Eliot Spitzer would wear his black socks during sex.For me the only thing I keep on is my hairpiece.
Air Date: March 24, 2008
If you think about it, Hillary and Obama have a lot in common.Both are lawyers, both are senators, and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton.
Air Date: March 19, 2008
Last night in Cleveland Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had their last debate.You can tell Hillary is getting desperate. At one point she accused Obama of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.
Air Date: February 27, 2008
John Edwards officially dropped out of the presidential race today.He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut.
Air Date: January 30, 2008
Osama bin Laden’s son Omar had a troubled childhood. When he was 17 he wrecked his dad’s camel.
Air Date: January 23, 2008
It was freezing cold today here in New York City.The key to beating the cold is to dress in layers. So today I’m wearing two hairpieces.
Air Date: January 21, 2008
Mayor Bloomberg and the mayor of Boston have already made the traditional Super Bowl bet. Here’s the deal: if the Giants win New York gets a crate of lobsters. If the Patriots win, Boston gets Regis.
Air Date: January 21, 2008
ADDED BONUS: Here’s a pic of Dave’s cue card guy Tony Mendez holding the card for this joke: