2007 Jokes

Below are the monologue jokes that I wrote for the Late Show with David Letterman that Dave told on air in 2007. Use the following links to see my jokes that Dave told in other years.

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It was a nice day today here in New York City today.It was so nice today that Isiah Thomas sexually harassed Al Roker.

Air Date: October 4, 2007

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The big U. N. General Assembly here in New York City is finally over.It was a big success – only five world leaders are missing.

Air Date: September 27, 2007

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The big Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon is coming up this weekend.This year the oil in Jerry’s hair will be trans fat free.

Air Date: August 31, 2007

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Scientists in Baltimore have engineered the world’s first schizophrenic mice.Big deal. Here in New York half of our rats are on Prozac.

Air Date: August 3, 2007

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It was so hot today that crooked NBA ref was fixing hockey games.

Air Date: August 2, 2007

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There’s a new sex survey that has compiled the top 237 reasons that people have sex.For me number two would be my credit card went through.

Air Date: August 1, 2007

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President Bush’s doctors found five small polyps in his colon this weekend.I’m thinking we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden.

Air Date: July 23, 2007

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Celebrity birthdays: David Hasselhoff turns 55 today.He celebrated by eating cake off the floor.

Air Date: July 17, 2007

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The hookers in Times Square are offering their Friday the 13th special.For an extra $50 you’re guaranteed to get lucky.

Air Date: July 13, 2007

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It was so hot today that Paris Hilton asked to be put back in the cooler.

Air Date: June 26, 2007

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You can tell that it’s Fleet Week here in New York City.Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were out front whistling at sailors.

Air Date: May 23, 2007

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Experts say gas is going to hit $4 per gallon this summer.It’s all part of President Bush’s “No Oil Company Left Behind” program.

Air Date: May 8, 2007

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For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like sex.It’s over in 2 minutes and costs me $100.

Air Date: May 7, 2007

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John Edwards had a $400 Beverly Hills haircut.That’s a lot of dough. This hairpiece didn’t cost me $400.

Air Date: April 18, 2007

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It was a stormy day here New York City today.The weather was so bad that Al Sharpton called for the firing of Al Roker.

Air Date: April 16, 2007

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It was so nice today that that crazy astronaut was wearing nothing but a diaper.

Air Date: March 13, 2007

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Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts who won Super Bowl XLI last night.So, now that the Colts have won the Super Bowl I’m once again Indianapolis’s biggest disappointment.

Air Date: February 5, 2007

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President Bush has the answer for global warming.He’s going to send 20,000 troops to the sun.

Air Date: January 17, 2007

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The Yankees have traded Randy Johnson back to the Arizona Diamondbacks.So I guess now the oldest, most overpriced things in Yankee Stadium will be the hot dogs.

Air Date: January 12, 2007

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