2006 Jokes

Below are the monologue jokes that I wrote for the Late Show with David Letterman that Dave told on air in 2006. Use the following links to see my jokes that Dave told in other years.

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The Christmas season is here which means I have lots of people to tip.Every year I go through the same dilemma: how much should I tip the guy who dry cleans my hairpiece?

Air Date: December 22, 2006

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Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto was the number one movie last week and this week it dropped to number five.Guess who Mel is blaming…

Air Date: December 18, 2006

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Snoop Dogg has been arrested for drug possession.He says he’s going to fight it; he’s going to pleade not-g’izzle.

Air Date: October 30, 2006

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North Korea recently tested a nuclear weapon.President Bush said it’s OK, just so long as they don’t conduct a nuculer test.

Air Date: October 9, 2006

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It was a beautiful day today in New York City.It was so nice today that ex-Congressman Mark Foley was sending inappropriate emails to Al Roker.

Air Date: October 3, 2006

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It was a beautiful day today in New York City.It was so nice over at St. Patrick’s I saw a group of priests playing touch football with the altar boys.

Air Date: September 27, 2006

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A scientist in Japan has developed a way for mice to give birth to rats.Finally, a solution to our rat shortage.

Air Date: September 15, 2006

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Paramount Pictures has terminated its relationship with Tom Cruise.Tom was so upset about it earlier today he called Brooke Shields to see if he could borrow some antidepressants.

Air Date: August 23, 2006

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In the new Miami Vice movie Crockett and Tubbs are a little older now.They spend most of the movie trying to bust up an illegal shipment of Lipitor.

Air Date: July 28, 2006

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Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock announced that they’re getting married next week on a yacht.Pam will not only be the bride but she’ll also serve as a flotation device.

Air Date: July 19, 2006

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President Bush is in Russia attending the G8 summit.He wants to talk about hot spots in the world: fighting in the Middle East, missiles in North Korea, pirates in the Carribbean…

Air Date: July 17, 2006

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It was so hot today here in New York City the Statue of Liberty was wearing a halter top.

Air Date: June 22, 2006

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President Bush is in Austria today trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade.Yeah, he has no idea what that means either.

Air Date: June 21, 2006

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Anna Nicole Smith announced last week that she’s pregnant. You know what that means: she’s gold digging for two now.

Air Date: June 9, 2006

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The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers.They said technically they’re screwing customers.

Air Date: May 23, 2006

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Earlier tonight President Bush addressed the United States about immigration.During the speech he laid out his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes.

Air Date: May 15, 2006

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Last night was the series finale of “The West Wing” and ABC has cancelled “Commander in Chief.”So now the only fictional president is Bush.

Air Date: May 15, 2006

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Yesterday the House of Representatives passed a $70 billion capital gains tax cut.It’s all part of President Bush’s No Millionaire Left Behind program.

Air Date: May 11, 2006

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It’s one of the worst allergey seasons on record here in New York City.It’s so bad earlier today Rush Limbaugh admitted he was addicted to Claritin.

Air Date: May 10, 2006

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For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like having sex.It costs me $50 and it’s over in two minutes.

Air Date: May 8, 2006

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A woman in El Salvador recently celebrated her 128th birthday, making her the oldest person in the world.And fellas – she’s single.

Air Date: May 4, 2006

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Today is the 100th anniversary of the big San Francisco earthquake.FEMA is on the way.

Air Date: April 18, 2006

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Earlier today the Yankees played their home opener at Yankee Stadium.It was an emotional moment when they introduced the old timers – and those were just the hot dogs.

Air Date: April 11, 2006

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Earlier today there was a total eclipse of the sun.President Bush said the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power.

Air Date: March 29, 2006

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We learned last week that when Dick Cheney travels he has to have a “downtime suite,” where he can relax and take it easy.President Bush also has a “downtime suite” – it’s called the Oval Office.

Air Date: March 27, 2006

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President Bush’s former domestic policy adviser Claude Allen was charged with defrauding a department store.President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser.

Air Date: March 14, 2006

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New York Knicks President Isiah Thomas has been charged with sexual harassment by a former employee.On the bright side it’s nice to see somebody on the Knicks who’s got some moves.

Air Date: January 25, 2006

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Researchers in Austria believe they’ve found Mozart’s skull.They say they used a DNA test and, just to be sure, had Joan Rivers identify it.

Air Date: January 4, 2006

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