2005 Jokes

Below are the monologue jokes that I wrote for the Late Show with David Letterman that Dave told on air in 2005. Use the following links to see my jokes that Dave told in other years.

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I don’t like to talk about people when they’re not here, but last night’s audience was really unpleasant.They got downright ugly when they realized Oprah wasn’t going to be giving away any cars.

Air Date: December 2, 2005

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Relief pitcher Billy Wagner has agreed to sign a deal with the Mets.The deal is pending a physical – so he can have his head examined.

Air Date: November 29, 2005

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President Bush is on an eight-day tour of Asia.He’s visiting American jobs.

Air Date: November 16, 2005

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Osama bin Laden’s brother is under investigation in France for money laundering.This is the kind of thing that could give the bin Laden family a bad name.

Air Date: November 15, 2005

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Tomorrow here in New York City is Election Day.Mayor Bloomberg is so confident about being reelected that earlier today he called Florida and cancelled the crooked voting machines.

Air Date: November 7, 2005

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Yesterday President Bush nominated former Princeton economist Ben Bernanke to be the next Chairman of the Federal Reserve.Apparently Bush is trying out a new strategy – qualified people.

Air Date: October 26, 2005

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We’re still waiting for the results of the Iraqi election. The Sunnis are saying the vote was rigged. I guess they really are getting an American style democracy.

Air Date: October 18, 2005

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Yesterday at Madison Square Garden they had the annual Cat Show.I’m thinking if I wanted to see pussies at the Garden I’ll go watch the Knicks play.

Air Date: October 10, 2005

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President Bush is at his ranch in Texas on a five-week vacation. Let’s see, oil prices are at record highs, the economy is still sluggish and Iraq is a mess – yeah, I’d say he’s earned five weeks off.

Air Date: August 4, 2005

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Former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea during a recent trip to Kenya.President Clinton said no, but he did ask the guy what he’d give him for Hillary.

Air Date: July 28, 2005

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I always love the Fourth of July weekend because it combines two of America’s favorite past times – alcohol and explosives.

Air Date: July 1, 2005

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Yesterday they had the annual Gay Pride Parade here in New York City.It was so hot during the parade that 20 minutes in regretted wearing my leather chaps.

Air Date: June 27, 2005

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Saddam Hussein is writing a book of his memoirs.I believe he’s the first jailed dictator to write a book since Martha Stewart.

Air Date: May 16, 2005

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Pope Benedict XVI officially moved into the papal apartments this weekend. Today he spent the entire day waiting for the cable guy.

Air Date: May 6, 2005

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The newly elected president of Iraq said that he expects U.S. troops will leave the country within two years.The bad news is they’ll be next door in Iran.

Air Date: May 5, 2005

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U.S. customs agents arrested a man for trying to smuggle 800 pounds of bologna from Mexico.President Bush said that this proves we’re winning the war against deli meat.

Air Date: May 3, 2005

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There are rumors now that Britney Spears is pregnant.If that’s true, you know what it means: she’s lip-syncing for two now.

Air Date: March 29, 2005

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Martha Stewart apparently has a lot of things to work out before she’s released from prison this weekend. For example, how much do you tip a warden?

Air Date: March 3, 2005

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Yesterday in California they officially picked the jury for the Michael Jackson case. The jury is about 2/3 female and 60 percent white – just like Michael Jackson.

Air Date: February 24, 2005

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Everybody here in New York is in the President’s Day spirit.On my way to work today my cab driver was wearing a stovepipe turban.

Air Date: February 21, 2005

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The Post Office introduced a Ronald Reagan stamp this week and said they’ve already printed 170 million of them.I believe that will make Reagan the most licked president since – Bill Clinton.

Air Date: February 18, 2005

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Yesterday Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran to stop its nuclear program or face the next step.I believe now the next step now would be the “fabrication of the evidence.”

Air Date: February 10, 2005

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Paul McCartney is performing during half time of the Super Bowl this year.The only thing that’s likely to pop out during his performance are his teeth.

Air Date: February 4, 2005

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Martha Stewart lost a tree-trimming contest in prison.The good news is later that night in the showers Martha won a knife fight.

Air Date: January 3, 2005

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