Below are the monologue jokes that I wrote for the Late Show with David Letterman that Dave told on air in 2004. Use the following links to see my jokes that Dave told in other years.
Earlier today here in New York they had the big Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.There was trouble at the parade when somebody threw a beer and Santa went into the stands and punched a guy.
Air Date: November 25, 2004
Ron Artest of the Indiana Pacers has been suspended for the rest of the season by the NBA for brawling with the fans.The good news is he’s been named to host next year’s Vibe Awards.
Air Date: November 22, 2004
Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital over the weekend.It was pretty scary. For a few minutes, President Bush was actually in charge.
Air Date: November 15, 2004
Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned yesterday.President Bush was pretty surprised by this – he had no idea we had a Commerce Secretary.
Air Date: November 10, 2004
The FCC has fined CBS $550,000 for the Janet Jackson incident during the Super Bowl.This is the most CBS has ever paid for a boob since they hired me.
Air Date: November 10, 2004
A rare 23-carat ruby is now on display at the Smithsonian Institute.It’ll be on display through the rest of the year, and then it’s going back to Mrs. Kobe Bryant.
Air Date: October 22, 2004
Earlier tonight the Yankees and Red Sox played game seven of their playoff series.The weather forecast certainly favored the Red Sox. It was breezy with a 60 percent chance of hell freezing over.
Air Date: October 20, 2004
Congratulations to Britney Spears who got married again this weekend.Friends say it was a beautiful ceremony, particularly when she lip-sync’d “I do.”
Air Date: September 21, 2004
Former President Bill Clinton is recovering from quadruple heart bypass surgery this week.Doctors say he’s awake but sedated. In fact, he’s on so much medication that earlier today he accidentally hit on Hillary.
Air Date: September 9, 2004
It’s pretty wild here in New York right now with the convention.So far this week we’ve had naked people in the streets, all night parties, people getting arrested – and that’s just the Bush twins.
Air Date: August 31, 2004
Ted Kennedy spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night.Ted looked great. They say he’s lost so much weight he had to borrow a pants suit from Hillary.
Air Date: July 28, 2004
Two jokes on one show!
Air Date: July 19, 2004
Over in Athens they’re poisoning 15,000 stray dogs before the Olympics next month. Because, of course, nothing says “Welcome!” like 15,000 dead dogs.
Air Date: July 14, 2004
O.J. Simpson says that he is getting his own reality TV show.He says it’ll be a lot like “Punk’d” but it’s going to be called “Stabbed.”
Air Date: June 7, 2004
Over in Iraq CIA interrogators say that Saddam Hussein has not been talking and that he’s obsessed with hygiene and careful food preparation. No, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Martha Stewart.
Air Date: May 28, 2004
Down in Texas President Bush fell of his bicycle on Saturday. First John Kerry fell off his bike and now President Bush. The only thing former President Bill Clinton ever fell off was an intern.
Air Date: May 24, 2004
Jennifer Lopez is getting married again.This time she’s getting married to singer Marc Anthony. I believe next year she’ll be starting in on the “B”s.
Air Date: May 13, 2004
President Bush says he’s not going to attend either one of his daughter’s college graduations this month, so he doesn’t create a distraction.Just like with his national guard service.
Air Date: May 7, 2004
Earlier today President Bush appeared on two different Arab television networks. The spots were a big success – he raised about $10 million.
Air Date: May 5, 2004
Two men were arrested in Central Park after they were found naked in a tree having sex.I thought this was clever: when the police asked them why they were having sex in a tree, they said because the subway was too crowded.
Air Date: April 28, 2004
Former Vice President Al Gore has bought a cable TV station. He says it will be like C-SPAN – only less exciting.
Air Date: March 31, 2004
A French lawyer has been chosen to represent Saddam Husseim in his upcoming war crimes trial.This guy sounds pretty sharp. He says the first thing he’s going to try is to get the trial moved to California.
Air Date: March 29, 2004
MTV is developing a new reality show starring Jessica Simpson’s younger sister Ashlee. Here’s the scary part: they say she’s the dumb one.
Air Date: March 17, 2004
Spain’s newly elected Prime Minister announced that he’s going to pull all Spanish troops out of Iraq. I believe this is the quickest pull out by a world leader since – Clinton.
Air Date: March 16, 2004
U.S. officials in Iraq said that they’re still on track to hand over power to Iraqis on June 30. Officials in the U.S. said we’re also still on track for a power change in this country next January.
Air Date: February 22, 2004
Howard Dean has dropped out of the presidential race.He broke the news to his supporters and thanked them for their support with a heartfelt, crazed rant.
Air Date: February 18, 2004
More Mars news: Europe’s Mars Express orbiter has photographed Mars’ Valles Marineris, the largest canyon in the solar system. Just to give you an idea of how big it is, they say it’s even deeper than the hole Martha Stewart is in.
Air Date: February 12, 2004
The FCC is going to investigate the Janet Jackson incident during the Super Bowl halftime show. Former President Clinton has already volunteered to lead the investigation.
Air Date: February 4, 2004
Earlier tonight in New Hampshire there was a debate among the Democratic presidential candidates. Howard Dean is still having some trouble controlling himself. During the debate he put Dennis Kucinich in a headlock.
Air Date: January 22, 2004
Coalition officials in Iraq say that Saddam Hussein is starting to talk. Reportedly, he’s finally ready to admit that he bet on baseball.
Air Date: January 5, 2004