2003 Jokes

Below are the monologue jokes that I wrote for the Late Show with David Letterman that Dave told on air in 2003. Use the following links to see my jokes that Dave told in other years.

2009 Jokes | 2008 Jokes | 2007 Jokes | 2006 Jokes | 2005 Jokes | 2004 Jokes | 2003 Jokes

Saddam Hussein is refusing to accept responsibility for his actions as dictator. He’s blaming it all on his addiction to prescription painkillers.

Air date: December 17, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

President Bush loves to go the UK and meet with the Queen; they actually have a lot in common. They both came into power without being elected.

Air date: November 21, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

A woman in California went into a restaurant and found a condom in her clam chowder. Apparently what happened was, she took a bite of her clam chowder and bit into something rubbery – then she bit into the condom.

Air date: November 14, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Earlier this week residents of Los Angeles voted to bring back lap dancing. So finally things are getting back to normal in California.

Air date: November 7, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

California Gov.-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Washington, D.C. today. This seems like a good a time as any to leave California – nothing major going on there.

Air date: October 29, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Background note: At the time of this joke wildfires were raging in California. Didn’t seem like a good time for the governor to leave the state.

It was such a beautiful fall day here in New York I went for a walk in Central Park at lunch time and I saw a guy frolicking with his pet tiger

Air date: October 10, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not make movies while he is governor. Too bad we can’t get Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez elected governor.

Air date: October 9, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Elia Kazaan, the director of “On the Waterfront” and “A Streetcar named Desire” died this weekend at age 94. Police said he died of natural causes – Marlon Brando ate him.

Air date: September 29, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

We’ve got a big problem here in New York City now – rats. Lots of rats. They say there are 50 million rats in the city.And that’s not counting the ones who commute.

Dave told this joke on four different shows:

Air date: July 30, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.


Air date: August 1, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.


Air date: October 29, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.


Air date: December 19, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

Today I saw another sure sign that summer is here. Demi Moore dropping Ashton Kutcher off at summer camp.

Air date: July 16, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

In an effort to curb the spread of monkeypox the U.S. government banned the sale of prairie dogs. I hope this doesn’t affect the price of a Whopper.

Air date: June 25, 2003

Audio clip: Adobe Flash Player (version 9 or above) is required to play this audio clip. Download the latest version here. You also need to have JavaScript enabled in your browser.

2009 Jokes | 2008 Jokes | 2007 Jokes | 2006 Jokes | 2005 Jokes | 2004 Jokes | 2003 Jokes