Starting in 2003 through 2009 I wrote monologue jokes for the Late Show with David Letterman.
Dave was one of my all-time comedy heroes, so to hear him tell a joke that I wrote was the just about the greatest thrill of my life.
Below are the jokes that I wrote that Dave told on air in 2009. Use the following links to see my jokes that he told on air in earlier years.
A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,000 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin. For $63,000 she’ll not only have dinner with you, she’ll also show you to the table at Applebee’s.
Air Date: September 25, 2009
Former New York Gov Eliot Spitzer is running for governor again. He’s already doing some polling and I’m thinking, isn’t that what got him in trouble in the first place?
Air Date: September 2, 2009
Former President Bush’s daughter Jenna has been hired as a correspondent on the Today show. They say Jenna will contribute about once a month – it’s the same schedule her old man had.
Air Date: August 31, 2009
Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 78 today. His family threw him a surprise party; what they did was they all jumped out from behind his money.
Air Date: August 25, 2009
Are you excited about the Afghanistan election?Don’t get too excited; there were reports of voting irregularities in Broward and Dade counties.
Air Date: August 20, 2009
Tomorrow President Obama is going to have Henry Louis Gates and Sgt. James Crowley over to the White House for a beer. I believe it’ll be the first kegger at the White House since the Bush twins lived there.
Air Date: July 29, 2009
Earlier today there was a solar eclipse of the sun in China. Rush Limbaugh said it just proves the unreliability of solar power.
Air Date: July 22, 2009
The new Harry Potter movie opened today. In this movie Harry faces the most evil threat yet: Dick Cheney and his secret CIA hit squad.
Air Date: July 15, 2009
Osama bin Laden’s first wife is writing a book. In the book she describes their wedding; after they were married their friends tied tin cans to the back of their camel.
Air Date: July 9, 2009
Sarah Palin was in New York City yesterday. She had a great time; she spent the day shooting rats from a helicopter.
Air Date: June 9, 2009
President Obama was a big hit telling jokes at the White House Correspondent’s dinner on Saturday.He was so funny that earlier today NBC gave him the 10:00 slot.
Air Date: May 11, 2009
Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down from the court.He says he wants to spend more time judging his family.
Air Date: May 4, 2009
I got married last week.We went to the courthouse and the guys says, “Are you the father of the bride?”
Air Date: March 24, 2009
It was a lovely day today here in New York City.It was so nice today that AIG gave a bonus to Al Roker.
Air Date: March 17, 2009
Bernie Madoff spent his first weekend in jail in solitary confinement.He’s alone 23 hours a day and he’s only allowed to shower twice a week – it’s like I have a twin.Earlier today his guards caught him swindling himself.
Air Date: March 16, 2009
Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have split up.Right about now Sarah Palin is in a helicopter hunting for the boyfriend with a rifle.
Air Date: March 12, 2009
It was really windy here today in New York City.It was so windy today that I had to jump in a cab and yell, “Follow that hairpiece!”
Air Date: February 12, 2009
Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday today to Sarah Palin.I don’t want to say how old she is, but from her house she can see 50.
Air Date: February 11, 2009
Former Yankee manager Joe Torre has a new book out.In the book he says that Alex Rodriguez was a pretty boy who can’t perform when it counts – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s what Madonna said.
Air Date: January 29, 2009
The Obamas officially moved to Washington, DC this week.Earlier today their stuff arrived via U-Haul One.
Air Date: January 9, 2009