Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now making campaign appearances together.
During the day they’re at campaign functions together and then at night they go to separate hotels - no wait, I’m sorry, that’s Hillary and Bill.
You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]Tags: Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton
It was on this day in 1963 President Kennedy was in Germany and said “Ich bin ein Berliner”.
Now it’d be nice if we had a president who could speak English.
You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]Tags: English, George Bush, Germany, John Kennedy
Yesterday former Vice President Al Gore officially endorsed Barack Obama.
Political experts say this should give Obama’s campaign a much needed shot of boredom.
You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]It was hot and humid here in New York today.
It was so hot today that thing on Donald Trump’s head was panting.
You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]This weekend the Pope will be holding a mass at Yankee Stadium.
When he’s done there he’ll go over to Madison Square Garden and administer last rights to the Knicks.
Here’s the audio:
You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]Hillary Clinton has another campaign ad now showing her getting up at 3:00am to take an emergency phone call.
John McCain has his own ad about getting up at 3:00am, except in his ad he gets up to go to the bathroom.
Here’s the audio:
You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]We learned this week that former Governor Eliot Spitzer would wear his black socks during sex.
For me the only thing I keep on is my hairpiece.
Here’s the audio:
You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]If you think about it, Hillary and Obama have a lot in common.
Both are lawyers, both are senators, and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton.
Here’s the audio:
You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]Last night in Cleveland Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had their last debate.
You can tell Hillary is getting desperate. At one point she accused Obama of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]John Edwards officially dropped out of the presidential race today.
He says he wants to spend more time with his haircut.
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Celebrity birthdays: Vice President Dick Cheney turns 67 today.
His friends threw a big party for him and they all enjoyed playing Shoot the Tail Off the Donkey.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]Osama bin Laden’s son Omar had a troubled childhood.
When he was 17 he wrecked his dad’s camel.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]It was freezing cold today here in New York City.
The key to beating the cold is to dress in layers. So today I’m wearing two hairpieces.
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Mayor Bloomberg and the mayor of Boston have already made the traditional Super Bowl bet.
Here’s the deal: if the Giants win New York gets a crate of lobsters. If the Patriots win, Boston gets Regis.
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ADDED BONUS: Here’s a pic of Dave’s cue card guy Tony Mendez holding the card for this joke:
You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]It was a nice day today here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Isiah Thomas sexually harassed Al Roker.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]The big U. N. General Assembly here in New York City is finally over.
It was a big success - only five world leaders are missing.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]The big Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon is coming up this weekend.
This year the oil in Jerry’s hair will be trans fat free.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]Scientists in Baltimore have engineered the world’s first schizophrenic mice.
Big deal. Here in New York half of our rats are on Prozac.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]It was so hot today that crooked NBA ref was fixing hockey games.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]There’s a new sex survey that has compiled the top 237 reasons that people have sex.
For me number two would be my credit card went through.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]President Bush’s doctors found five small polyps in his colon this weekend.
I’m thinking we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]Celebrity birthdays: David Hasselhoff turns 55 today.
He celebrated by eating cake off the floor.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]The hookers in Times Square are offering their Friday the 13th special.
For an extra $50 you’re guaranteed to get lucky.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]It was so hot today that Paris Hilton asked to be put back in the cooler.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]You can tell that it’s Fleet Week here in New York City.
Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were out front whistling at sailors.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]Experts say gas is going to hit $4 per gallon this summer.
It’s all part of President Bush’s “No Oil Company Left Behind” program.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like sex.
It’s over in 2 minutes and costs me $100.
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I first wrote this joke for Dave last year. Click here to hear the 2006 version live! (format: MP3, size: 108kb)
[link | comment]John Edwards had a $400 Beverly Hills haircut.
That’s a lot of dough. This hairpiece didn’t cost me $400.
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You can also watch the video of the entire monologue here.
[link | comment]