I don’t exactly get flooded with questions, but there are certainly a number of them about writing for Dave and joke writing in general that I get asked regularly. I’ve finally decided to put the most common ones in this here FAQ!

So, please, review these before contacting me and see if your question is already here…

Q: Have you ever met Dave?

A: Are you serious? I’m not sure the man has met all of his full time staff members, let alone some loser freelancer who’s not even in town. If you haven’t heard, Dave is a private guy.

Q: How come I don’t see your name on the Late Show credits?

A: I’m a freelancer, not a staff writer. Only staff writers get a credit.

Q: Then how do I know you actually write jokes for Dave and aren’t just making this all up?

A: You’ll have to take my word for it.

Q: How do I get a job writing monologue jokes for David Letterman, Jay Leno or one of those types of shows?

A: Take a look at this page that I wrote about writing for late night TV. That about encapsulates all of my knowledge and advice.

Q: How much do you get paid writing freelance jokes for David Letterman?

A: None of your beeswax. My aren’t we nosy? Do I ask you how much you make? Geez.

Q: I have a great joke for Dave! Can you submit it to the show for me?

A: No. I only ever submit my own material. Ever.

Q: OK, but if he uses my joke you can keep the money and I don’t even want credit or anything. Come on, please?

A: Sorry, no go. I’m not in the business of being a middle man for other people. The last thing I need are lots of jabronis sending me jokes to send to Dave. I only submit what I write. Besides, what fun is it for me getting paid for a joke that somebody else wrote? No thanks.

Q: I’ve written a whole bunch of jokes. Can you read them and tell me what you think?

A: You mean, like, for free? No. Unless I know you personally and really well (or unless you’re willing to pay me) I will not read your material. Why? First of all, I’m busy enough with my own writing, work and family rearing that I just don’t have time. Besides, if you’re an accountant that I found online, I wouldn’t ask you to review my taxes for free, now would I?

Second, and more importantly, I won’t risk somebody accusing me of stealing their material. This is why the shows themselves, often times, officially won’t read unsolicited material. Too risky. No thanks.

Bottom line: if you send me material that didn’t ask to see I will not read it. Consider that a legal disclaimer.

Q: Can you put me in touch with somebody at the Late Show?

A: No. The last thing those people need are me giving out their names, numbers and email addresses. I won’t risk my own standing with the show in that way. Besides, if you put in even a little bit of effort, it’s not hard to contact just about anybody at these shows anyway (aside from the hosts).

Q: Can you get me tickets to the Late Show?

A: No. I can get myself and Mrs. Chumworth in to see the show once in a while, with enough notice. But that’s it.

Q: Boy, you sure say “no” a lot. Do you ever say yes to a question?

A: Sure, I mean yes. You’re just not asking the right questions.