Things keep getting uglier for me. Earlier today out on 53rd street my own wife was leading the Fire Dave rally.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. There are skunks everywhere you look – and that doesn’t even include me.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. They estimate that we’ve got millions of skunks in the city – and that’s not counting the ones that commute in from New Jersey.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. Here’s bad it is: earlier today out on 53rd street a bunch of skunks held their own Fire Dave rally.

Last night in Minnesota Brett Favre and the Vikings beat the Packers. Brett had a great game; he had three touchdowns, no interceptions and only 4 bathroom breaks.

Last night in Minnesota Brett Favre and the Vikings beat the Packers. Brett said it was so much fun he’s not even going to think about retiring this week.

Arab states are considering replacing the dollar as their main currency for trading. And if it works there we’ll try it here.

On this date in 1889 Thomas Edison showed the first motion picture. The movie was only a few seconds long, but was preceded by 20 minutes of previews.

A cruise ship company is going to retrace the route of the Titanic for the 100th anniversary of the sinking in 2012. Sounds like a good idea; after all, what could go wrong?

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. Here’s a warning to you tourists: if you see a skunk, approach with caution because if they get scared they will spray you – no, wait, I’m sorry, those are New Yorkers.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. Skunks aren’t new to New York, though. Hell, we used have one as governor.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. These skunks are brazen; in fact, earlier today, one of them pitched a big tent in Donald Trump’s backyard.

THURSDAY: Oprah was in Copenhagen today to try and get International Olympic Committee to award the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. Oprah is really going all out – she said if they award the Olympics to Chicago she’ll pay for the whole thing.

THURSDAY: Oprah was in Copenhagen today to try and get International Olympic Committee to award the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. Oprah is really going all out – today she gave each member of the IOC a free car.

THURSDAY: Oprah was in Copenhagen today to try and get International Olympic Committee to award the 2016 Olympics to Chicago. Oprah is really going all out – she brought Dr. Phil with her to give all the IOC members free swine flu shots.

FRIDAY: President Obama was in Copenhagen today to try and get International Olympic Committee to award the Olympics to Chicago. Chicago has a great history of amateur sports – hell, the Cubs have been playing like amateurs for a hundred years.

FRIDAY: President Obama was in Copenhagen today to try and get International Olympic Committee to award the Olympics to Chicago. Meanwhile, John McCain was in Applebees trying to persuade his waitress to give him extra pie.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Kelly Ripa turns 39 today. 39 – hell Regis has money older than that.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Peanuts turns 59 today. Things have a changed a lot since Peanuts first debuted; for example, remember Lucy’s psychiatric booth? She used to charge a nickel per visit. Now she there’s a $25 co-pay.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Annie Leibovitz turns 60 today. Her friends got her a lot of lovely presents – which she then hocked.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Annie Leibovitz turns 60 today.You can tell Annie’s getting up there; when she walked into bankruptcy court today she said “Wait, why did I come in here?”

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: our own Biff Henderson turns 63 today. Here at the show we threw Biff a big party that was attended by all of his friends which they tell me was lovely.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: our own Biff Henderson turns 63 today. Here at the show we threw Biff a big party and he and I shared nice moment of awkward silence.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. Here’s how bad it’s gotten: earlier today I saw a gang of skunks having a knife fight in the street with a gang of rats.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks.We have so many skunks in New York City now that Mayor Bloomberg has started courting their vote.

Yesterday the Senate officially rejected a government-run health insurance option. So, I guess that means my relatives will continue to be covered by HMO Dave.

Jon from Jon & Kate Plus 8 has fired from the show. Don’t worry about Jon, though; he’s already signed a deal to star in a new show with the Octomom.

Jon from Jon & Kate Plus 8 has fired from the show. The poor guy’s already hurting; earlier today I saw him on a street corner with a sign that said “Will impregnate for food.”

Woody Allen has demanded the immediate release of Roman Polanski, who was arrested in Switzerland on an old charge of having sex with an underage girl. Woody said that Polanksi should have taken his advice all those years ago and adopted the girl.

Celebrity birthdays: the vacuum cleaner turns 108 today. The vacuum cleaner is the only thing that’s sucked longer than the Cubs.

Miners in South Africa recently found a 507 carat diamond. Here’s how big it is: it’s so big that Kobe Bryant has started dating again.

Toyota is recalling 3.8 million cars because of potentially deadly floor mats. I don’t understand how floor mats can be deadly. Cup holders, sure, but floor mats?

Sarah Palin has finished her memoir. It won’t be published until November, but excerpts will be published before then in Guns & Ammo.

Sarah Palin has finished her memoir. It’ll be published in November and she’ll be going on every talk show to promote it – well, except for one.

Celebrity birthdays: Bryant Gumbel turns 61 today. Bryant Gumble, of course, got famous on NBC then came to CBS and nobody heard from him again – it’s like I have a twin.

On this date in 1907 they laid the cornerstone for the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C. It was the biggest thing to get laid in Washington until Monica.

It was a lovely fall day today here in New York City today. More good weather is forecast for tomorrow; it’s supposed to be sunny with a chance of caviar.

Congratulations to the New York Yankees who clinched the American League East last night. After the game Alex Rodriguez injected himself with champagne.

Congratulations to the Detroit Lions who broke their 19-game losing streak yesterday. After the game, the team got a congratulatory phone call from John McCain.

This weekend in Switzerland Roman Polanski was arrested after being a fugitive for 31 years. So, let’s this be a warning, Osama bin Laden – you’ve only got 23 more years!

This weekend in Switzerland Roman Polanski was arrested after being a fugitive for 31 years. He was arrested on his way to a film festival so, just to be safe, today Osama bin Laden canceled his plans to go to Cannes next year.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was the number one movie again this weekend. It’s done so well they’re already planning a sequel: Rainy with a Chance of Heartburn.

Celebrity birthdays: Meat Loaf turns 62 today. He’s getting more health conscious as he gets older; as a matter of fact, he said he now wants to be known as Soy Loaf.

There’s a UN General Assembly going on in New York City this week. Dictators from all over the world are in town: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from Iran, Col. Muammar Qaddafi from Libya and Barbara Walters from The View.

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin gave her first speech outside North America yesterday in Hong Kong. She had her usual effect: after the speech John McCain dropped 10 points in the Hong Kong polls.

Celebrity birthdays: 60 Minutes turns 41 today. Here’s how long 60 Minutes has been on the air: Larry King started there as an intern.

The National Postal Museum received an $8 million donation to build a new street-level gallery in Washington, D.C. The bad news is the check got lost on the mail.

Nick Lachey is auctioning off the chance to win a dinner date with him for charity. Here’s the interesting part: he’s the charity.

Nick Lachey is auctioning off the chance to win a dinner date with him for charity. Not only will Nick have dinner with the winning bidder, but he’ll also be the waiter.

Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a retirement home in Maryland yesterday, and tried to reassure senior citizens that health care reform will not affect them negatively. Unfortunately, he torpedoed his own message by convening a death panel immediately after his speech.

A digitally enhanced version of the Wizard of Oz is being released in movie theaters today to mark its 70th anniversary. The film was enhanced, restored and touched up by the same team that works on Nancy Pelosi.

Former New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress began serving 2 years on an illegal weapons charge this week. It’s a stiff sentence: he’ll serve two years in prison followed by two years on the Detroit Lions.

There’s a big UN general assembly going on here in New York City this week. So far it’s not going well; the only thing world leaders can all agree on is that they love having Leno on at 10:00.

There’s a big UN general assembly going on here in New York City this week. I could tell the UN is in town; earlier today I was in a cab driven by the president of Yemen.

Muammar Gaddafi is in town for the UN general assembly. I saw him earlier today over on Fifth Avenue riding a bullet proof camel.

President Obama chaired the UN General Assembly meeting this week. Meanwhile, back in Arizona, John McCain chaired a meeting of his ham radio club.

President Obama has been working hard at the UN General Assembly trying to broker peace deals all over the place. Here’s how busy he’s been trying to make peace: he’s already gone through two cases of beer.

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi tried to pitch a tent on Donald Trump’s property in Bedford, New York yesterday. I saw pictures of it; it was huge and ugly and made of this gaudy, green and gold fabric – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s the thing on Donald Trump’s head.

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin gave a big speech in Hong Kong earlier today. It’s her first speech outside of North America – aside from the ones she made while she could see Russia.

The world’s oldest man celebrated his 113th birthday yesterday in Montana at an invitation-only party. He attributes his long life to eating well, keeping physically and continuing to host Larry King Live every night.

A design company in Britain unveiled plans for a new aircraft seating passengers across from each other in rows. The worst part is that applies to the bathrooms too.

This Sunday is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. Here are some of the things that Jewish people won’t do on Sunday: wear perfume or lotion, bathe, have sex – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s me.

Last weekend a naked 91-year-old guy in Florida was able to hold a drunken intruder at gunpoint until police arrived. Once the police got there they said, “We’ll take it from here, Regis.”

Sad news: Daid Hasselhoff is apparently drinking again. Apparently his daughter knew he was boozing again when she found ketchup stains on the carpet.

A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,500 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin. The good news is the cost of the dinner is deductible – and so is the cost of having her head examined.

Vice President Joe Biden gave a big speech on health care to the National Association of Insurance Commissioners in Washington this week. He was there promoting President Obama’s health care reform plan and universal coverage for hair plugs.

Celebrity birthdays: Mark Hamill who played Luke Skywalker in Star Wars turns 58 today. You can tell he’s getting older; he needs a dose of Viagra just to get his light saber on.

The leader of the Jedi church in England is threatening to sue a supermarket that asked him to leave because he refused to take off his ceremonial hood. It could have been worse – he could have been waving his light saber.

MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. He’s here to talk about his health care plan, his economic plan and his new 10:00 show on NBC.

MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. Here’s how tight the security is: before he agreed to come on the show I had to pass a death panel.

MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. Here’s how tight the security is: before the show the Secret Service frisked the teleprompter.

MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. They Secret Service frisked each of us so thoroughly that I went back for seconds.

MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. Before the show I warned President Obama that being on this show will be a lot like a town hall meeting on health care – but less fun.

MONDAY: Today’s the last day of summer. Today I saw a sure sign that summer is over; over at Grant’s Tomb they were closing up the pool.

MONDAY: Today’s the last day of summer. Today I saw a sure sign that summer is over; over at St. Patrick’s they were draining the outdoor baptismal font.

TUESDAY: Former President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight. Out of habit, when Bill walked in he immediately asked to meet with the hostages.

TUESDAY: Former President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight. Recently he was in North Korea negotiating the release of some hostages with this monomaniacal, dictator with crazy hair – so he should feel right at home here.

TUESDAY: Today’s the first day of fall. Earlier today I saw a sure sign it’s fall: over at Grant’s Tomb they took the air conditioners out of the windows.

A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,500 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin. For $63,500 Sarah Palin will not only have dinner with her, she’ll also show her to the table.

A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,500 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin. It’s the highest price someone has paid to be with Sarah Palin since she cost John McCain the presidency.

Harrison Ford announced last week that he’s going to start in another Indiana Jones movie. In this next movie, Indiana Jones will face his biggest threat yet: an Obama Death Panel.

Kate Gosselin was a special guest host on “The View” last week. She was a good addition to the show; during one heated exchange she actually gave Joy Behar a timeout.

A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested for letting her 6-year-old daughter drive an SUV. That’s really irresponsible – letting your child drive such a gas guzzler.

Last night President Obama gave a speech to Congress about his health care plan. Obama stopped 10 times for standing ovations and 5 times to change his plan.

Football season kicked off earlier tonight. I love when football season starts, because it means on Sunday I don’t have to make small talk with the family.

Football season kicked off earlier tonight. The swine flu is affecting the NFL; just to be safe this season all the balls with be slathered in Purel.

Celebrity Birthdays: Arnold Palmer turns 80 today. Arnold says he stays in shape with a healthy diet, regular exercise – and a shot of Penzoil every day.

Celebrity birthdays: Bill O’Reilly turns 60 today. So, now he’s officially in the No Bladder Control Zone

Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is now a professor at City College here in New York. He’ll be holding office hours at the Ritz Carlton.

It was announced yesterday that Ellen DeGeneres will join American Idol as a host next season. The producers say they wanted to inject a little more testosterone into the show.

Jon Gosselin admitted that he and Kate went to one session of marriage counseling with Dr. Phil. One session with Dr. Phil – well, no one can blame them for not giving it their all.

Sarah Palin is auctioning off a dinner for five with her and her husband, Todd, with the proceeds going to charity. The minimum bid is $25,000, but for an extra $1,000 you can go along with her as she kills the main course.

Sarah Palin is auctioning off a dinner for five with her and her husband, Todd, with the proceeds going to charity. The minimum bid is $25,000m but for an extra $1,000 you can keep Todd.

At the US Open this week a guy was arrested after he rushed on the court and kissed Rafael Nadal. I’m begging you, please, get some help, Andy Dick.