From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. We haven’t had this many skunks in town since the Republican National Convention.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks. Here’s how bad it’s gotten: earlier today I saw a gang of skunks having a knife fight in the street with a gang of rats.

We have a new problem here in New York City: skunks.We have so many skunks in New York City now that Mayor Bloomberg has started courting their vote.

Yesterday the Senate officially rejected a government-run health insurance option. So, I guess that means my relatives will continue to be covered by HMO Dave.

Jon from Jon & Kate Plus 8 has fired from the show. Don’t worry about Jon, though; he’s already signed a deal to star in a new show with the Octomom.

Jon from Jon & Kate Plus 8 has fired from the show. The poor guy’s already hurting; earlier today I saw him on a street corner with a sign that said “Will impregnate for food.”

Woody Allen has demanded the immediate release of Roman Polanski, who was arrested in Switzerland on an old charge of having sex with an underage girl. Woody said that Polanksi should have taken his advice all those years ago and adopted the girl.

Celebrity birthdays: the vacuum cleaner turns 108 today. The vacuum cleaner is the only thing that’s sucked longer than the Cubs.

Miners in South Africa recently found a 507 carat diamond. Here’s how big it is: it’s so big that Kobe Bryant has started dating again.

Toyota is recalling 3.8 million cars because of potentially deadly floor mats. I don’t understand how floor mats can be deadly. Cup holders, sure, but floor mats?

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Sarah Palin has finished her memoir. It’s the first political memoir that features a pull-out centerfold.

Sarah Palin has finished her memoir. It won’t be published until November, but excerpts will be published before then in Guns & Ammo.

Sarah Palin has finished her memoir. It’ll be published in November and she’ll be going on every talk show to promote it – well, except for one.

Celebrity birthdays: Bryant Gumbel turns 61 today. Bryant Gumble, of course, got famous on NBC then came to CBS and nobody heard from him again – it’s like I have a twin.

On this date in 1907 they laid the cornerstone for the National Cathedral in Washington, D.C. It was the biggest thing to get laid in Washington until Monica.

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It was It was a lovely fall day today here in New York City today. It was one of those days when you wonder why man bothered inventing pants.

It was a lovely fall day today here in New York City today. More good weather is forecast for tomorrow; it’s supposed to be sunny with a chance of caviar.

Congratulations to the New York Yankees who clinched the American League East last night. After the game Alex Rodriguez injected himself with champagne.

Congratulations to the Detroit Lions who broke their 19-game losing streak yesterday. After the game, the team got a congratulatory phone call from John McCain.

This weekend in Switzerland Roman Polanski was arrested after being a fugitive for 31 years. So, let’s this be a warning, Osama bin Laden – you’ve only got 23 more years!

This weekend in Switzerland Roman Polanski was arrested after being a fugitive for 31 years. He was arrested on his way to a film festival so, just to be safe, today Osama bin Laden canceled his plans to go to Cannes next year.

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was the number one movie again this weekend. It’s done so well they’re already planning a sequel: Rainy with a Chance of Heartburn.

Celebrity birthdays: Meat Loaf turns 62 today. He’s getting more health conscious as he gets older; as a matter of fact, he said he now wants to be known as Soy Loaf.

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There’s a UN General Assembly going on in New York City this week. So far it’s been like the Academy Awards: long speeches, crazy outfits and today they even had a dead leader montage.

There’s a UN General Assembly going on in New York City this week. Dictators from all over the world are in town: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad from Iran, Col. Muammar Qaddafi from Libya and Barbara Walters from The View.

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin gave her first speech outside North America yesterday in Hong Kong. She had her usual effect: after the speech John McCain dropped 10 points in the Hong Kong polls.

Celebrity birthdays: 60 Minutes turns 41 today. Here’s how long 60 Minutes has been on the air: Larry King started there as an intern.

The National Postal Museum received an $8 million donation to build a new street-level gallery in Washington, D.C. The bad news is the check got lost on the mail.

Nick Lachey is auctioning off the chance to win a dinner date with him for charity. Here’s the interesting part: he’s the charity.

Nick Lachey is auctioning off the chance to win a dinner date with him for charity. Not only will Nick have dinner with the winning bidder, but he’ll also be the waiter.

Vice President Joe Biden spoke at a retirement home in Maryland yesterday, and tried to reassure senior citizens that health care reform will not affect them negatively. Unfortunately, he torpedoed his own message by convening a death panel immediately after his speech.

A digitally enhanced version of the Wizard of Oz is being released in movie theaters today to mark its 70th anniversary. The film was enhanced, restored and touched up by the same team that works on Nancy Pelosi.

Former New York Giants receiver Plaxico Burress began serving 2 years on an illegal weapons charge this week. It’s a stiff sentence: he’ll serve two years in prison followed by two years on the Detroit Lions.

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There’s a big UN general assembly going on here in New York City this week. Leaders from all over the world are arguing, bickering and fighting – it’s like The View with translators.

There’s a big UN general assembly going on here in New York City this week. So far it’s not going well; the only thing world leaders can all agree on is that they love having Leno on at 10:00.

There’s a big UN general assembly going on here in New York City this week. I could tell the UN is in town; earlier today I was in a cab driven by the president of Yemen.

Muammar Gaddafi is in town for the UN general assembly. I saw him earlier today over on Fifth Avenue riding a bullet proof camel.

President Obama chaired the UN General Assembly meeting this week. Meanwhile, back in Arizona, John McCain chaired a meeting of his ham radio club.

President Obama has been working hard at the UN General Assembly trying to broker peace deals all over the place. Here’s how busy he’s been trying to make peace: he’s already gone through two cases of beer.

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi tried to pitch a tent on Donald Trump’s property in Bedford, New York yesterday. I saw pictures of it; it was huge and ugly and made of this gaudy, green and gold fabric – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s the thing on Donald Trump’s head.

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin gave a big speech in Hong Kong earlier today. It’s her first speech outside of North America – aside from the ones she made while she could see Russia.

The world’s oldest man celebrated his 113th birthday yesterday in Montana at an invitation-only party. He attributes his long life to eating well, keeping physically and continuing to host Larry King Live every night.

A design company in Britain unveiled plans for a new aircraft seating passengers across from each other in rows. The worst part is that applies to the bathrooms too.

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This Sunday is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement – the one day every year devoted to asking for forgiveness. I devote one day every year to asking for forgiveness – it’s called my anniversary.

This Sunday is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement. Here are some of the things that Jewish people won’t do on Sunday: wear perfume or lotion, bathe, have sex – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s me.

Last weekend a naked 91-year-old guy in Florida was able to hold a drunken intruder at gunpoint until police arrived. Once the police got there they said, “We’ll take it from here, Regis.”

Sad news: Daid Hasselhoff is apparently drinking again. Apparently his daughter knew he was boozing again when she found ketchup stains on the carpet.

A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,500 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin. The good news is the cost of the dinner is deductible – and so is the cost of having her head examined.

Vice President Joe Biden gave a big speech on health care to the National Association of Insurance Commissioners in Washington this week. He was there promoting President Obama’s health care reform plan and universal coverage for hair plugs.

Celebrity birthdays: Mark Hamill who played Luke Skywalker in Star Wars turns 58 today. You can tell he’s getting older; he needs a dose of Viagra just to get his light saber on.

The leader of the Jedi church in England is threatening to sue a supermarket that asked him to leave because he refused to take off his ceremonial hood. It could have been worse – he could have been waving his light saber.

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MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. Here’s how tight the security is: before they let the president in the building, the Secret Service gave each one of us a gender test.

MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. He’s here to talk about his health care plan, his economic plan and his new 10:00 show on NBC.

MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. Here’s how tight the security is: before he agreed to come on the show I had to pass a death panel.

MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. Here’s how tight the security is: before the show the Secret Service frisked the teleprompter.

MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. They Secret Service frisked each of us so thoroughly that I went back for seconds.

MONDAY: President Obama is on the show tonight. Before the show I warned President Obama that being on this show will be a lot like a town hall meeting on health care – but less fun.

MONDAY: Today’s the last day of summer. Today I saw a sure sign that summer is over; over at Grant’s Tomb they were closing up the pool.

MONDAY: Today’s the last day of summer. Today I saw a sure sign that summer is over; over at St. Patrick’s they were draining the outdoor baptismal font.

TUESDAY: Former President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight. Out of habit, when Bill walked in he immediately asked to meet with the hostages.

TUESDAY: Former President Bill Clinton is on the show tonight. Recently he was in North Korea negotiating the release of some hostages with this monomaniacal, dictator with crazy hair – so he should feel right at home here.

TUESDAY: Today’s the first day of fall. Earlier today I saw a sure sign it’s fall: over at Grant’s Tomb they took the air conditioners out of the windows.

A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,500 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin. For $63,500 Sarah Palin will not only have dinner with her, she’ll also show her to the table.

A woman from Alabama placed the winning bid of $63,500 on eBay to have dinner with Sarah Palin. It’s the highest price someone has paid to be with Sarah Palin since she cost John McCain the presidency.

Harrison Ford announced last week that he’s going to start in another Indiana Jones movie. In this next movie, Indiana Jones will face his biggest threat yet: an Obama Death Panel.

Kate Gosselin was a special guest host on “The View” last week. She was a good addition to the show; during one heated exchange she actually gave Joy Behar a timeout.

A woman in Pennsylvania was arrested for letting her 6-year-old daughter drive an SUV. That’s really irresponsible – letting your child drive such a gas guzzler.

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Last night President Obama gave a speech to Congress about his health care plan. It seemed to go well; Joe Biden only nodded off a few times.

Last night President Obama gave a speech to Congress about his health care plan. Obama stopped 10 times for standing ovations and 5 times to change his plan.

Football season kicked off earlier tonight. I love when football season starts, because it means on Sunday I don’t have to make small talk with the family.

Football season kicked off earlier tonight. The swine flu is affecting the NFL; just to be safe this season all the balls with be slathered in Purel.

Celebrity Birthdays: Arnold Palmer turns 80 today. Arnold says he stays in shape with a healthy diet, regular exercise – and a shot of Penzoil every day.

Celebrity birthdays: Bill O’Reilly turns 60 today. So, now he’s officially in the No Bladder Control Zone

Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer is now a professor at City College here in New York. He’ll be holding office hours at the Ritz Carlton.

It was announced yesterday that Ellen DeGeneres will join American Idol as a host next season. The producers say they wanted to inject a little more testosterone into the show.

Jon Gosselin admitted that he and Kate went to one session of marriage counseling with Dr. Phil. One session with Dr. Phil – well, no one can blame them for not giving it their all.

Sarah Palin is auctioning off a dinner for five with her and her husband, Todd, with the proceeds going to charity. The minimum bid is $25,000, but for an extra $1,000 you can go along with her as she kills the main course.

Sarah Palin is auctioning off a dinner for five with her and her husband, Todd, with the proceeds going to charity. The minimum bid is $25,000m but for an extra $1,000 you can keep Todd.

At the US Open this week a guy was arrested after he rushed on the court and kissed Rafael Nadal. I’m begging you, please, get some help, Andy Dick.

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Dick Cheney now says that he may run for president in 2012. Makes sense; the guy’s got 8 years of experience being in charge of the country.

A White House panel of space experts says that returning to the moon by 2020 is too expensive. The space program is so hurting for money that NASA announced earlier today they’ve eliminated beverage service on the space shuttle.

A White House panel of space experts says that returning to the moon by 2020 is too expensive. However, they did say it might be doable if we got the moon by connecting at Mars.

A White House panel of space experts says that returning to the moon by 2020 is too expensive. They say $150 billion is the absolute lowest price they could find on Expedia.

Celebrity birthdays: NBC turns 83 today. I believe the only broadcaster that’s been on the air longer is Regis.

Martha Stewart is on tonight’s show. She’ll be sharing her favorite fall recipes and demonstrating how to make a shiv from an old bed spring.

Today was the first day of school here in New York City. It was a big success; only a few hundred kids are missing.

Earlier tonight President Obama made his big health care speech to Congress. I thought this was smart: before his speech he had Al Franken warm up the crowd.

Earlier tonight President Obama made his big health care speech to Congress. The speech was well received; the only boos he got were from a few far right Republicans and Joe Biden.

Yesterday President Obama made a speech to school kids and he told them to go to school and pay attention to their teachers. The speech didn’t go over too well; today his approval rating was at an all-time low among kids under 18.

Former first lady Laura Bush defended President Obama’s speech to school children earlier this week. You know things are bad when the Bushes are feeling sorry for you.

Archeologists announced this week that they’ve discovered a massive ancient wall in Jerusalem, 26-feet-tall and 3,700 years old. Archeologists were able to date the wall based on descriptions in old texts, carbon dating and some old Madonna concert posters they found on it.

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TUESDAY: We had the big Letterman family Labor Day barbecue at my house. If you want to know what a family barbecue at my house is like, it’s like a town hall meeting on health care reform, and I’m Barney Frank.

TUESDAY: Yesterday was Labor Day. Labor Day is the day when my whole family comes over to my house so I can tell them what’s it like to work.

TUESDAY: We had the big Letterman family Labor Day barbecue at my house. Things got a little nuts; mom had too much to drink and insisted on giving everybody a gender test.

TUESDAY: Everybody’s worried about the swine flu. Here’s how bad it is: they say the most popular condiment at Labor Day barbecues this year was Purel.

TUESDAY: Today was Judge Sonia Sotomayor first day on the Supreme Court. To try and make her feel more comfortable, they gave her the locker right next to Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

TUESDAY: Out in California they’ve had to close the Bay Bridge because they found a big crack in it. Experts say they haven’t seen something this cracked since Obama’s health care plan.

TUESDAY: Out in California they’ve had to close the Bay Bridge because they found a big crack in it. A team of engineers is trying to fix the crack using steel, epoxy and cement; it’s the same team that takes care of Cher.

FRIDAY: Football season starts this weekend. Everybody here in New York City has football fever; earlier today over at St. Patrick’s the priests were tackling the altar boys.

The swine flu is affecting everything. Earlier today the NFL announced that for this season they were switching to flag football.

In order to prevent the spread of the swine flu, health officials are recommending that everyone sneeze into their elbows. I’m going one step further: I sneeze into my hairpiece.

Bad news: the Mets new stadium is apparently suffering from a lot of problems: leaks, crumbling tiles, and electrical problems. The good news is the Mets are trying to alleviate the fans suffering by making sure their season is over as quickly as possible.

A woman in Sudan has been jailed for wearing pants, which is considered indecent. That’s the difference between Sudan and New York City: there wearing pants is considered indecent, here it’s considered overdressing.

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Earlier this week Mayor Bloomberg announced his swine flu plan. Here’s his plan: when the swine flu hits, he’s heading to Cabo.

Labor Day weekend is coming up. Labor Day is the day when all Americans will take a break from looking for a job.

It’s back to school time. School is a lot different today than it was when I was a kid. Back then we never had to take a gender test.

A choreographer for the Miss Universe pageant says that Donald Trump personally picks the finalists. Not only that, but he also personally gives all the girls a gender test.

The Minnesota Vikings are keeping Brett Favre out of their last preseason game tomorrow night to avoid injury. The Vikings said the last thing they need before the season starts is for Favre to break a hip.

Police here in New York City are looking for a thief who stole a musician’s $5,000 flugelhorn after he fell asleep on the subway. The guy said it wasn’t the first time somebody on the subway had touched his flugelhorn.

Philadelphia is taking out a $275 million loan to help ease the city’s budget crisis. Things are so bad in Philadelphia that Eagles QB Michael Vick has volunteered to be the city dog catcher for free.

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Everybody here in New York City is worried about the swine flu. Here’s how bad it is: the crack dealers have switched to dealing surgical masks.

Everybody here in New York City is worried about the swine flu. Here’s how bad it is: earlier today, you know that thing on Donald Trump’s head? He was wearing it over his mouth.

Celebrity birthdays: the Internet turns 40 today. You can tell the Internet is getting older; earlier today I did a Google search, and after a second Google came back and said “Wait, what were you looking for again?”

Today was the first day of school for my son Harry. I took him to school today and the teachers were so nice; everybody said “Hello, Mr. Letterman. Nice to see you, Mr Letterman. Have a good day, Mr Letterman.” and I said “No, no – you can just call him Harry.”

The Yankees announced this week that they’re cutting the price of seats behind home plate from $2,500 each to $275 – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s for a hot dog.

Bernie Madoff’s Long Island beach house is up for sale. It’s got four bedrooms, three baths and a Ponzi patio.

Minnesota Vikings quarterback Brett Favre said said this week that he might have cracked a rib. He’s already pretty banged up; he said he’s also suffering from glaucoma and osteoporosis.

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Moammar Khadafy has been a dictator now for 40 years. Here now is the list of longest serving dictators: Fidel Castro, Moammar Khaafy and me.

Former NY Gov Eliot Spitzer is considering running for office again. Sources say he’s been quietly polling people – which is what got him in trouble in the first place.

Congratulations to the kids from Chula Vista, California who won the Little League World Series over the weekend. After the game, the team got a congratulatory call from the Obama girls.

Former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin announced this week that the she’ll be speaking in Hong Kong later this month. She said she’s never been to Hong Kong, but she has seen it on TV.

70 years ago today World War II started when the Nazis invaded Poland. You remember World War II? It was the ugliest conflict the world has ever seen – no, wait, I’m sorry, that was when Rosie O’Donnell joined The View.

The world’s oldest dog died last week at the age of 21. 21 – in dog years that’s Larry King.

The world’s oldest dog died last week at the age of 21. Everybody was sad to hear this news – other than Michael Vick.

Three guys from Texas spent 8 days at seas after their boat flipped over and lived off of crackers, chips and beer. I’m thinking, big deal; I lived off crackers, chips and beer for the whole time I was at NBC.

The Iraqi who threw his shoes at George W. Bush is being released from prison early for good behavior. As part of the terms of his release he won’t be allowed within 500 feet of a Payless ShoeSource.

Ted Kennedy’s 532-page memoir “True Compass” will be released on September 14. Needless to say, there won’t be a book signing tour.

Nine separate earthquakes hit Oklahoma on Sunday. Luckily no homes were damaged since they all had their emergency brakes on.

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