From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

MONDAY: There was nothing but Ted Kennedy stuff on TV this weekend. It’s the most air time a dead guy has gotten other than Larry King.

MONDAY: Everybody was watching the Ted Kennedy funeral over the weekend. It was so popular that NBC gave Ted the 10:00 time slot.

MONDAY: Congratulations to the team from Chula Vista, CA who beat Taiwan yesterday to win the Little League World Series. The excitement was short lived; after the game half the team tested positive for gummi bears.

MONDAY: Yesterday was our 16th anniversary here at CBS. In honor of the event CBS got us a cake that said “Congratulations, Regis!”

MONDAY: Yesterday was our 16th anniversary here at CBS. Just four more years at CBS and I’ll be eligible for health care coverage.

MONDAY: Yesterday was our 16th anniversary here at CBS. To celebrate, CBS threw us a surprise party: everybody jumped out from behind Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.

MONDAY: Yesterday was our 16th anniversary here at CBS. I called mom today to tell her I’d been on CBS for 16 years now and she said “Oh David that’s wonderful – I had no idea you were still on TV.”

MONDAY: Yesterday was our 16th anniversary here at CBS. When people ask me, Dave, why have so many people on your staff stuck with you through all these years I saw two words: Stockholm syndrome.

MONDAY: Madonna is in Israel this week and yesterday visited the Western Wall. I believe this will be the first time one ancient relics has ever been visited by another ancient relic.

FRIDAY: This weekend is Labor Day weekend. Labor Day is when all Americans take a day to remember what it was like when they had jobs.

Former President Bush’s daughter Jenna has been hired as a correspondent on the Today show. She says it’s only a part time thing and that she’ll only be working one day a month – it was the same deal President Bush had.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said this week that he has serious doubts about Obama’s ability to defend our nation. Cheney said he’d feel a lot more comfortable if Obama had least shot a guy before.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney said this week that he has serious doubts about Obama’s fitness to be president. He said he hasn’t seen a guy this unqualified to be president since George Bush.

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President Obama will take a break from vacationing with his family to speak at Ted Kennedy’s funeral on Saturday. Some people will do anything to get away from their mother-in-law.

Everybody’s mourning the loss of Ted Kennedy. Earlier today down in Washington Hillary Clinton was wearing a black pantsuit.

Everybody’s mourning the loss of Ted Kennedy. Earlier today down in Washington, in Ted’s honor, Hillary Clinton was wearing one of his old pantsuits.

The details for Ted Kennedy’s funeral this weekend have now been announced. California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger will speak at the funeral and then carry the casket to the cemetery

President Obama brought five books to read during his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard this week. He said he loves to read on the beach but the only problem is find a place to plug in his teleprompter.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford says he will not resign. Of course, he also said he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail, so take it with a grain of salt.

Newly declassified government documents say that the CIA used to blow cigar smoke in the face of terror suspects as an interrogation technique. Other interrogation techniques they used included gum smacking, talking on a cell phone during the movies and never picking up a check at a restaurant.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke revealed this week that he was the victim of identity theft. Apparently, someone got his checkbook and write a bunch of checks; the joke was on the thief, though, because the checks were all made out to Bernie Madoff.

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The Obamas are up on Martha’s Vineyard this week on vacation. President Obama has been relaxing, playing golf and reading; aides say they haven’t seen him this relaxed and happy since John McCain picked Sarah Palin to be his running mate.

Senator Ted Kennedy died yesterday at the age of 77. The entire family is in mourning; earlier today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger loweredhis biceps to half-staff.

Senator Ted Kennedy died yesterday at the age of 77. Experts say that his committee chairmanship will go to Senator Chriss Dodd and his pantsuits will go to Hillary.

Senator Ted Kennedy died yesterday at the age of 77. Who would have thought 25 years ago that when Ted Kennedy died the ranking politician in the Kennedy would become Arnold Schwarzenegger?

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi will be coming to New York next month for a United Nations meeting. A lot of people are mad about it, but not me; for a couple of days I won’t be the most hated dictator in New York.

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi will be coming to New York next month for a United Nations meeting. He’s going to be staying in a tent in New Jersey and commuting in to Manhattan on a commuter camel.

Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi will be coming to New York next month for a United Nations meeting. He’s going to be living like a Bedouin while he’s here: he’ll stay in a tent in New Jersey, eat traditional Bedouin meals and drive a few shifts in a cab.

Scientists in France have developed a system to convert shower water into drinking water. Big deal: here in New York City restaurants have been serving shower water for years.

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The Obamas are paying $30,000 to rent a house on Martha’s Vineyard for the week. Obama’s not too happy about it; earlier today he called held a town hall meeting on vacation rental reform.

Barack Obama isn’t doing any work during his vacation on Martha’s Vineyard. He’s not attending any public events, official functions or taking calls from Hillary Clinton; it’s the same thing Bill Clinton used to do on his vacations.

The Obamas are up on Martha’s Vineyard this week on vacation. Earlier tonight Barack took Michelle out to a romantic dinner for two and a teleprompter.

Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 78 today. His family threw him a surprise party; what they did was they all jumped out from behind his money.

Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 78 today. I gave Regis a lovely gift basket of his favorite thing: cash.

On this date in 1814 the British burned down the White House. It was the most heat to come down on the White House until Bill admitted cheating to Hillary.

Celebrity birthdays: Sean Connery turns 79 today. Of course he’s no longer licensed to kill – or drive after dark.

Celebrity birthdays: Sean Connery turns 79 today. You can tell he’s getting older; when he was asked how he wanted his birthday martini he said “Shaken not… uh, wait – what was I just talking about?”

Women’s boxing has officially been added to the 2012 Olympics in London. Women boxers will compete in three weight classes: lightweight, middleweight, and Rosie O’Donnell weight.

ABC announced this week that LaToya Jackson will co-host The View next month. You know you have a crazy show when LaToya Jackson is brought in to be a stabilizing influence.

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MONDAY: The Obamas are up on Martha’s Vineyard this week on vacation. They arrived yesterday in RV One.

MONDAY: Congratulations to Miss Venezuela Stefania Fernandez who was crowned Miss Universe last night. This marks the 58th straight year that someone from the Earth has won.

MONDAY: Congratulations to Miss Venezuela Stefania Fernandez who was crowned Miss Universe last night. Not everybody was happy; today Miss Mars claimed the pageant was biased towards Earth.

MONDAY: Congratulations to Miss Venezuela Stefania Fernandez who was crowned Miss Universe last night. She’s not only beautiful but she’s smart: since the pageant is owned by Donald Trump, for the talent portion of the competition she fired a guy.

MONDAY: Inglourious Basterds was the number one movie this weekend. Be warned: it’s got graphic violence, adult language and brief nudity – it’s just like going to a town hall meeting on health care.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: John McCain turns 73 today. He celebrated quietly with a few friends and family members – just like on election night.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: John McCain turns 73 today. He handled his birthday cake just let he did the campaign – he blew it.

FRIDAY: Ramadan started earlier tonight. Is it just me or does it seems like Ramadan ads have already been running for months?

FRIDAY: Ramadan started earlier tonight. I hate the holidays. Every year I just try to survive from the beginning of Ramadan until the end of Muharram.

FRIDAY: Ramadan started earlier tonight. So, if you’re coming to New York City, for the next month, cabs will be running on holiday schedules.

The Obamas are up on Martha’s Vineyard this week on vacation. Oabama’s mother-in-law stayed back in Washington to feed and water Joe Biden.

President Obama said he’s not going to do any work at all on this vacation. George Bush always refused to work when he was on vacation; of course, he also refused to work when he was at work.

President Obama said he’s not going to do any work at all on this vacation. Here’s how serious he is about it: he didn’t even bring his teleprompter.

The Obamas are up on Martha’s Vineyard this week on vacation. Obama said it’s a non-working vacation – right, like a week with your mother-in-law isn’t work.

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Earlier today in Afghanistan they held presidential elections. It didn’t seem to go well; there were reports of voting irregularities in the mountainous region of Broward and Dade counties.

Brett Favre has come out of retirement to play for the Minnesota Vikings. It’s amazing – tomorrow night he’ll be playing for the Vikings and just last weekend he was at a town hall meeting complaining about death panels.

Brett Favre has come out of retirement to play for the Minnesota Vikings. His new teammates say they can tell he’s getting older; every time he comes into the huddle he says “Wait, why did I come in here?”

It was another hot day today. It was so hot today that Barney Frank asked Al Roker what planet he was living on.

Celebrity birthdays: Al Roker turns 55 today. His birthday forecast was very hot with an 80% chance of cake.

Celebrity birthdays: happy birthday today to Don King. He turns 78 today, but he fixed it so his cake would only have 50 candles.

Scientists announced this week that they’ve used X-ray technology to reveal a painting hidden beneath another painting by N.C. Wyeth. It’s amazing, using X-rays they were able to look underneath the existing layers of paint and varnish to see what it originally looked like. They say this technology could eventually someday also be applied to Joan Rivers.

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It was another hot day today in New York. It was so hot today that rabbis in New Jersey were selling black market air conditioners.

It was another hot day today in New York. It was so hot today that President Obama’s death panel wanted to see Al Roker.

Yesterday former President Bill Clinton met with President Obama at the White House to brief him on his recent trip to North Korea. When Bill told Hillary he had spent the day at the White House she said, “Sure – I’ve heard that before.”

Yesterday former President Bill Clinton met with President Obama at the White House to brief him on his recent trip to North Korea. Obama grilled him for a couple of hours on what he did while he was there – it was the same thing Hillary did when he got back.

Brett Favre has come out of retirement again and signed a deal with the Minnesota Vikings. The deal is pending a physical – and a colonoscopy.

Brett Favre has come out of retirement again and signed a deal with the Minnesota Vikings. The deal is pending a physical – so the Vikings can have their heads examined.

Bernie Madoff’s mistress has written a book. In it she says that the only part of him that was well endowed was his bank account.

Bernie Madoff’s mistress has written a book. In it she says that swindling wasn’t the only thing he could do in the blink of an eye.

Bernie Madoff’s mistress has written a book. In it she says that he used to shower her with expensive gifts; unfortunately, he used her money.

60,000 senior citizens have quit AARP recently because it supports an overhaul to the health care system. In an effort to get new members the AARP is thinking about either lowering the minimum age or letting in anybody who can’t work their DVR.

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It was hot again today here in New York City. It was 93 and hazy – just like Regis.

It was hot again today here in New York City. It was so hot today that I bought a kidney from a rabbi in New Jersey just for the ice.

It was hot again today here in New York City. It was so hot today that that thing on Donald Trump’s head was drinking from the toilet.

It was hot again today here in New York City. It was so hot today that Mayor Bloomberg was fanning elderly people with his money.

A new study out finds 90 percent of paper money in the US contains traces of cocaine. That’s shocking – I had no idea Amy Winehouse made that much money.

A woman in Tunisia is pregnant with 12 babies. The mother says she wants to have a drug-free birth; the father is already being heavily medicated.

A woman in Tunisia is pregnant with 12 babies. It’s good to hear that Jon Gosselin has found someone new.

A woman in Tunisia is pregnant with 12 babies. Unfortunately, she has no way to support all of those kids – her name doesn’t rhyme with twelve.

Reader’s Digest has filed for bankruptcy. The filing is long, but they’ve condensed it down to one page.

Reader’s Digest has filed for bankruptcy. You can read more about it in the waiting room of any doctor’s office.

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MONDAY: This weekend was the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. It’s been 40 years but Woodstock still hasn’t gotten rid of the smell of wet hippie.

MONDAY: This weekend was the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. 400,000 hippies attended the concert over three days and almost all of them have made their way home by now.

MONDAY: Michael Vick signed a contract to play with the Philadelphia Eagles last week. It’s a two year deal – but it’ll seem more like 14 years to Michael Vick.

Former Vice President Dick Cheny said last week that President Bush stopped taking his advice during his second term. Apparently it got so bad that Cheney said if they could have run for a third term, he would have dropped Bush from the ticket.

Michael Phelps was in a car accident last week in Baltimore. The good news is he wasn’t hurt; the bad news is he spilled bong water all over his car’s upholstery.

In Congo last week Secretary of State Hillary Clinton got testy when a student asked her for Bill Clinton’s thoughts on an international financial matter. She got even testier when a female student asked her for his phone number.

GM says that its new electric car, the Chevrolet Volt, can get 230 miles to the gallon. Before you get too excited â€" those are highway miles; it only gets like 200 miles to the gallon in the city.

An 11-year-old kid recently interviewed President Obama in the Oval office. I believe he’s the first person with a middle-school education to conduct business in the Oval Office since George W. Bush.

A new study out finds that one out of two of people has a favorable opinion of Hillary Clinton. Well, that’s certainly true in Bill and Hillary house.

A new study out predicts that the world’s population will hit 7 billion in 2011. They say most of the population increase will come from developing countries, poor countries and the Octomom’s house.

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