From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Earlier today at the White House President Obama had Henry Louis Gates and Sgt James Crowley over a for a beer. It went so well that at one point Sgt Crowley had to call for backup pretzels.

Earlier today at the White House President Obama had Henry Louis Gates and Sgt James Crowley over a for a beer. It went so well they’ve all agreed to meet again in Cancun for spring break.

Earlier today at the White House President Obama had Henry Louis Gates and Sgt James Crowley over a for a beer. All three of them drank beer at a picnic table behind the White House while Joe Biden worked the grill.

Earlier today at the White House President Obama had Henry Louis Gates and Sgt James Crowley over a for a beer. I believe it’s the most fun somebody had in the Oval Office since Clinton was president.

Over in New Jersey last week a bunch of rabbis were busted for selling black market kidneys. In their defense, the rabbis said the kidneys were kosher.

Madonna has started writing for an Israeli newspaper. It makes sense – after all, career began back in biblical times.

A Florida couple claims they found a dead mouse inside a can of Diet Pepsi. In Pepsi’s defense, they said it was a low-cal mouse.

Here in New York City an MTA employee is under investigation for letting her 8-year-old son drive an express subway train on Sunday. Passengers said they knew something was amiss when the train was on time.

Celebrity birthdays: happy birthday today to California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who turns 62 today. He’s 62 but his doctors say he’s in great shape and the body of a much younger ape.

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Tomorrow President Obama is going to have Henery Louis Gates and the police officer over to the White House for a beer. I believe it’ll be the first kegger at the White House since the Bush twins lived there.

Yesterday the Senate Judiciary Committee approved Suprme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor by a 13-6 vote. Only one Republican voted yes; the other Republicans all either voted no or were out hiking the Appalachian Trail.

Michael Vick was reinstated by NFL commissioner Roger Goodell on Monday. The commissioner was hard on Vivk; he literally made him sit up and beg for it.

Michael Vick has been reinstated by the NFL. He’s on probation for the first few weeks of the season: he’ll be allowed to work out, practice and play in preseason games and if that all goes well, then he’ll get the 10:00 slot.

The Obamas revealed this week that he and Michelle both have living wills. They said they’ve also planned to have their dependents taken care of in case something happens to them – they’ve named a guardian for Joe Biden.

House Democrats held a 5-hour, closed-door meeting on Monday to discuss health care reform. So who says Democrats aren’t in favor of torture?

A Florida couple claims they found a dead mouse inside a can of Diet Pepsi. A Pepsi spokeman said it was a mistake and that they only put mice in regular Pepsi.

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It was hot and humid again today. It was so hot and humid today that President Obama accused Al Roker of acting stupidly.

It was hot and humid again today. It was so hot and humid today that Sgt Crowley arrested Al Roker.

Henry Louis Gates and the white police officer who arrested him have agreed to meet with President Obama at the White House for a beer. President Obama, if you’re listening, here’s a suggestion: make sure you bring your ID.

Earlier today down in Washington the Senate Judiciary Committee voted in the nomination of Judge Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. The vote was split down party lines: only two Republicans voted “Si.”

A bunch of erotic love letters that Madonna’s wrote to an old boyfriend are up for sale. In indepent authority has officially certified them as skanky.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy was hospitalized for medical tests after he fainted while jogging on Sunday near Paris. His doctors say he’s fine but, for the next 6 weeks, he’s been ordered to refrain from getting a new trophy wife.

Microsoft co-founder Bill Gates said he was forced to quit Facebook because too many people wanted to be his friend. Ironically, that’s the exact opposite reason why he quite Harvard.

A 77-year-old Philadelphia man recently became the oldest person to ever undergo transgender surgery. He said he waited so long to become a woman because he wanted to be sure to miss menopause.

19 people were arrested in Connecticut on Sunday and charged with betting on illegal bird fights between songbirds. Even Michael Vick thought that was awful.

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MONDAY: Sarah Palin officially resigned as governor of Alaska yesterday. The ceremony to transfer power to Lieutenant Governor Sean Parnell went like this: he was sworn in then, then Sara gave him the keys to the governor’s mansion and pointed out where Russia is.

MONDAY: Sarah Palin officially resigned as governor of Alaska yesterday. She said she was looking forward to traveling to places where she could see other countries.

MONDAY: Last week in New Jersey 44 people including three mayors, two state assemblymen and five rabbis were arrested and charged with being part of a crime ring that involved political corruption, money-laundering, and bribery. So, its good to hear that the New Jersey’s number one business is booming.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: A-Rod turns 34 today. His birthday party was a big success; he was 3-for-4 in pin the tail on the donkey.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: A-Rod turns 34 today. He handled his birthday cake like he handles a big game in October: he blew it.

MONDAY: The ratings for President Obama’s primetime press conference last week were down 14% from his last press conference. President Obama’s not happy about it; when he heard the ratings he immediately fired his teleprompter.

MONDAY: Britain’s last surviving World War I soldier, Harry Patch, has died. He was 111 and hadn’t seen any action since 1918 – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Joan Rivers.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Rush Limbaugh’s radio show turns 21 tomorrow. His staff celebrated early by making him his favorite cake: chocolate with Oxycontin icing.

There’s a pizza place in Brooklyn that’s now charging $5 per slice. I don’t mind paying the high price so much as I do having to wear a jacket and tie.

Angelina Jolie was just in Baghdad to offer support for displaced Iraqi families. The visit was a big success; she met with four families, and only broke up two of them.

Scientists in Galapagos say that a 100-year-old Galapagos giant tortoise is about to become the oldest father on record. They these say giant turtles reach their sexual peak between the ages of 90 and 100 – just like Larry King

This week India launched it’s first nuclear-powered submarine. It can deliver a nuclear-tipped warhead up to range of 700km – or an order of chicken vindaloo up to a range of 3 miles.

Army Col. Henry Moak ate a 36-year-old government-issued cake at his retirement ceremony last week. When asked why he ate 36-year-old government cake he said, well, it was a special occasion so the government broke out the good stuff.

Billy Joel is dating Alex Donnelley, the former star of “The Young and The Restless.” So, she’s gone from The Young and The Restless to The Old and The Hairless.

Scientists recently discovered that one of the largest glaciers in the southern hemisphere has shrunk by 20% in 40 years. Scientists attribute it to global warming and cutting way back on the carbs.

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After a long, cool spring and early summer it’s finally gotten hot and muggy here in New York City. Here’s how unusual this summer has been: today, July 23, is the latest they’ve ever put the air conditioners in over at Grant’s Tomb.

We’ve got a new problem here in New York City: rabid raccoons. For you tourists in town here’s a tip on identifying New York City raccoons: they look a lot like the rats – only smaller.

Happy birthday today to Monica Lewinsky. She had 36 candles on her cake and, not surprisingly, had no trouble blowing them all out.

A guy in California went into restaurant and found a condom in his French onion soup. Apparently what happened was, he took a spoonful of his soup and bit into something rubbery – then he bit into the condom.

The Taco Bell Chihuahua died this week at the age of 15. To put that in perspective, in dog years 15 is Larry King-age.

The Taco Bell Chihuahua died this week at the age of 15. In honor her honor, for the rest of the month Taco Bell is offering half-off the Chihuahua enchiladas.

Jon Gosselin’s new girlfriend Hailey Glassman says that he’s a “great cook.” She said on their first date he made a romantic dinner of macaroni and cheese, chicken nuggets and milk.

On Tuesday Oakland, California became the first US city to tax medical marijuana. When they heard the news, marijuana users took the streets to protest – but when then they got out there they forgot why they had taken to the streets.

Al Gore’s hometown of Nashville, Tennessee set a new record for low temperatures on Tuesday when it hit 58 degrees. It was so cold in Nashville yesterday that Al Gore had to give back his Oscar.

David Hasslehoff said on The View Tuesday that President Obama needs to be more entertaining. For example, he suggested that Obama start holding press conferences on the floor.

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We’ve got a new problem here in New York City: rabid raccoons. It’s gotten so bad that the Health Department is going around vaccinating all the city rats against rabies.

We’ve got a new problem here in New York City: rabid raccoons. Just to be safe Donald Trump had that thing on his head vaccinated against rabies.

Earlier today a total solar eclipse was visible in Asia and India. Not everybody was excited about it; Rush Limbaugh said it just proves the unreliability of solar energy.

Last night there was a total eclipse of the sun over Asia and India. The moon’s shadow covered half the planet, leaving more people in the dark than Mark Sanford.

Indian officials have filed an official complaint against Continental Airlines for frisking their former president back in April. I believe it’s the first time a president has been felt up like that by someone other than his wife sine – Clinton.

A monkey in Texas was caught on security cameras robbing a plant nursery. It’s the most impressive achievement by a monkey since an ape was elected governor of California.

Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez’s husband Marc Anthony who just became a part owner of the Miami Dolphins. I believe he hasn’t taken on something this meaty since J Los ass.

Robert Buck, the man known as the “Naked Cowboy” here in New York City, has announced that he’s running for mayor. Experts say his poll numbers should be impressive – at least until the cold weather comes.

A new book by a former Washington Post reporter reveals that it was a nightmare for the Secret Service to keep track of the Bush twins.The book is titled “Duh.”

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Up in Alaska Sarah Palin is getting ready to move out of the governor’s mansion this weekend. Earlier today she waved goodbye to Russia.

Up in Alaska Sarah Palin will stop being governor on Sunday. She’s already begun transferring power to her lieutenant governor; earlier today she gave him the keys to her wardrobe.

Michael Vick was officially released from federal custody yesterday. He’s out of prison but on probation; for the next three years he can’t get within 100 yards of a Petco.

Janet Jackson has offered to adopt Michael Jackson’s three children. Well, we’ve all seen that she has the parts to breast feed.

Rapper 50 Cent has slashed the price of his Connecticut mansion from $14.5 million to $10.9 million. Not only that, he’s also been forced to slash his name to 25 Cent.

Last week the New York Senate officially voted to ban texting while driving. The good news is it’s still OK to drive while texting.

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MONDAY: Sad news: Walter Cronkite died last week at the age of 92. All of CBS is in mourning; today Andy Rooney lowered his eyebrows to half-staff.

MONDAY: Pope Benedict XVI fell and broke his wrist on Friday. He’s doing well; earlier today his doctors upgraded his condition from stable to saintly.

MONDAY: 40 years ago today Apollo 11 landed on the moon. Everybody’s excited about the anniversary of men landing on the moon; earlier today Amy Winehouse was caught snorting Tang.

MONDAY: 40 years ago today the first men landed on the moon. And 40 years ago tomorrow, their luggage arrived.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Senator Larry Craig turns 64 today. His wife helped him celebrate by making reservations at his favorite stall.

FRIDAY: 40 years ago today Apollo 11 officially splashed down in the water. The return trip took four days and ended up in the water – it was just like a USAir flight.

FRIDAY: 40 years ago today Apollo 11 officially splashed down in the water. The landing was engineered by Neil “Sulley” Armstrong.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Barry Bonds turns 45 today. He celebrated by injecting himself with cake.

President Obama and his family are going to take a summer vacation to Marta’s Vineyard next month. Former President Bill Clinton used to enjoy going to Martha’s Vineyard for vacations and romantic weekends – but he never took Hillary.

President Obama and his family are going to take a summer vacation to Marta’s Vineyard next month. While they’re gone Joe Biden will be at the White House watering the plants and walking their dog.

Congratulations to Ellen Degeneres who was number two on Forbes’ list of the Most Influential Women in Media. Coincidentally she also came in second on Forbes’ list of the Most influential Men in Media.

Congratulations tyo Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka, who just got engaged. Donald, of course, will be giving the bride away – which will be the first time he’s ever given anything away.

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Bernie Madoff was moved this week to a prison in North Carolina. He’s disappointed; he was hoping to be moved to a prison in the Hamptons.

The new Harry Potter movie set a record this week by making $22.2 million during midnight screenings the night it opened. That’s even more amazing considering that none of that was from anyone on a date.

Bill Clinton recently revealed that he supports same-sex marriage. Well, we already knew that he supports non-marriage-sex marriage.

General David McKiernan said he felt “dismayed, disappointed, and more than a little embarrassed” after being fired as the commander of NATO forces in Afghanistan. Dismayed, disappointed and a little embarrassed – that’s also how I felt on my wedding night.

Jon from Jon & Kate Plus Eight has a new 22-year-old girlfriend. I think he’s too old for her – he’s old enough to have fathered her and 7 of her siblings.

California officials estimate that a proposal to tax marijuana would generate $1.4 billion in revenue – and that’s only what would come from the increased sale of snack foods.

A couple in Indiana were recently arrested for smoking marijuana while sitting in line at the drive-through at an Arby’s with their one-year-old was in the back seat. I can’t believe parents would expose their baby to something that unhealthy – you know, eating at Arby’s.

A new study finds that men who are more than nine years older than their wives are twice as likely to get divorced. The study was based on 2,500 marriages between an older man and a much younger woman – all of them Larry King’s.

A man in New Jersey was sentenced to four years in prison for stealing 91 lobster tails from the kitchen of an Atlantic City casino. So for the next four years he’ll find out what it’s like to be a piece of tail.

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Congratulations to the American League, which won the baseball All-Star game in St. Louis last night. The National League hasn’t beaten the American League in 13 years; it’s officially the longest active losing streak, now that Leno has moved out of my time slot.

President Obama threw out the first pitch at the All Star Game last night. He used his left hand and earlier today Rush Limbaugh said he wasn’t surprised.

The new Harry Potter movie opened today. You can tell Harry Potter is a lot older now because in this film he experiences wand dysfunction.

The new Harry Potter movie opened today. In this movie Harry faces the most evil threat yet: a secret assassination squad headed by Dick Cheney.

The new Harry Potter movie opened today. In this movie Harry is affected by the bad economy: he graduates from Hogwarts and the only job he can find is usinghis magical powers to make french fries.

Bernie Madoff’s wife Ruth is finally ready to date again. Earlier today she put a personal ad online under “Women Seeking Swindlers”.

40 years ago this week Apollo 11 was launched. It’s been 40 years since we put a man on the moon and we still can’t develop reliable hairpiece glue.

40 years ago this week Apollo 11 was launched. It’s been 40 years since we put a man on the moon and we still can’t develop a realistic looking hairpiece.

This week President Obama nominated Dr. Regina Benjamin to the next the next surgeon general. It won’t become official until she’s confirmed by the Senate and Obama gets a referral from his primary care physician.

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We have a new problem here in New York City – raccoons. Here’s how bad the raccoon problem is here in New York City: earlier today I saw a raccoon sitting on Donald Trump’s head.

We have a new problem here in New York City – raccoons. Here’s how bad the raccoon problem is here in New York City: earlier today I saw a pack of raccoons and a pack of rats having a street fight.

Earlier tonight in St. Louis they had the MLB All-Star game. There was a lot on the line: the winning league gets home field advantage in the World Series – and gets to run GM.

President Obama was at the All Star game tonight. He was busy: he threw out the first pitch, he sat in the broadcast booth and after the game he collected urine samples.

Steve Rattner, President Obama’s chief advisor on the automobile industry, announced yesterday that he’s resigning. Rattner says he’s looking forward to spending more time straightening out his own family.

Yesterday in Washington Al Franken questioned Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Before he did, she was warmed up with a few questions from Carrot Top.

Kim Jong Il has pancreatic cancer. Here’s how bad his prognosis is: he’s now being referred to as Kim Jong Terminally Il.

Pet Airways, the world’s first pet-only airline has started flying. It offers complimentary beverage service – dogs can drink out of the toilet for free.

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MONDAY: Down in Washington today they opened the confirmation hearings on Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor. Here’s how it works: first she goes before the Senate Judiciary Committee and then if she passes that she’ll get her shot in front of Simon and Paula.

MONDAY: President Obama met with the pope on Friday. Apparently they really hit it off – they even took smoke breaks together.

MONDAY: The baseball all-star break started today. It’s three days for the best players in the game to show their stuff or, as the Mets call it, three days of R&R.

MONDAY: It finally feels like summer here in New York City. Here’s how mild it’s been in New York this summer: today is July 13, which is the latest in the year I’ve ever gone before switching to my hot weather hairpiece.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Harrison Ford turns 67 today. Calista Flockhart had a special birthday present for him: she surprised him by wearing a see-through straw.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: David Hasselhoff turns 57 today. He celebrated by eating cake off the floor.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran, turns 70 today. He’s a 70 year old recluse who wields absolute power and is almost impossible to get an audience with – it’s like I have a twin.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran, turns 70 today. When he saw how many candles were on his cake he started protesting in the streets.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Ali Khamenei, the Supreme Leader of Iran, turns 70 today. When he saw how many candles were on his cake he ordered an immediate recount.

CIA director Leon Panetta says that the CIA withheld information about a secret counterterrorism program from Congress on direct orders from Vice President Dick Cheney. Apparently Cheney said that anybody who leaked the information would have to go hunting with him.

Pet Airways, the world’s first pet-only airline has started flying. They’re really going all out; the stewardesses are all French poodles.

Oscar Mayer died in Wisconsin last week at the age of 95. Family members said that instead of being buried or cremated, he’s being cut into very thin slices.

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Sales of Michael Jackson’s records are way up since he died. He’s sold so many records since he died that today they upgraded his casket from gold to platinum.

The big problem in New York City these days: mosquitoes. We haven’t had this many annoying pests invade the city since we hosted the Republican National Convention.

Osama bin Laden’s first wife is writing a book. The poor girl really has had no luck; Osama left her for Angelina Jolie.

Osama bin Laden’s first wife is writing a book. The book has some juicy details of their life together. At one point she describes greeting Osama at the door in a see-through burqa.

Osama bin Laden’s first wife is writing a book. In the book she describes their wedding; after they were married their friends tied tin cans to the back of their camel.

Osama bin Laden’s first wife is writing a book. In the book she describes their wedding; after they were married he carried over the threshold of their cave.

President Obama is in Italy this week for the G-8 summit. It’s the first G-8 summit in years without President Bush, which means the other leaders don’t have have hear Bush’s old “I could’ve had a G-8 joke” anymore.

President Obama is in Italy this week for the G-8 summit. It’s a summit of the world’s most powerful economies: the U.S, Britain, France, Germany, Italy, Japan, Russia and Google.

Over in Italy this week at the G-8 summit they’ve agreed to cut back on global gaseous emissions. They plan to do it by encouraging hybrid vehicles, renewable energy and global reductions in Mexican food.

Dallas police announced this week that they’re cutting back on protection for former President George Bush. Bush said it’s no problem; Dick Cheney has offered to take a guard shift once a day.

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Yesterday in Los Angeles they had Michael Jackson’s memorial service. It was such a hit that today they family added 30 European services.

We’ve had a lot of rain here in New York City lately. We’ve had so much rain that earlier today in Times Square workers were putting sandbags around the hookers.

We’ve had a lot of rain here in New York City lately. We’ve had so much rain that earlier today the Statue of Liberty had to hike up her skirt.

Sarah Palin announced last week that she’s resigning as governor of Alaska. Today, out of habit, I apologized.

Osama bin Laden’s first wife is writing a new book. In the book she writes about him before he was famous, back when he had to work 2 or 3 terror jobs just to make ends meet.

Lance Armstrong is back racing in the Tour de France for the first time in four years. You can tell he’s getting older; today when he got to the starting line he said, “Wait, why did I come up up here?”

Earlier this week the president of Honduras tried to fly back to his country but after circling for hours his plane had to return to the U.S. He said the next time he’s definitely not flying JetBlue.

Former figure skating champion Nicole Bobek was arrested on drug conspiracy charges yesterday. It’s pretty serious – she’s looking at between, 9.5 and 10.0 years in prison.

Former figure skating champion Nicole Bobek was arrested on drug conspiracy charges yesterday. Legal experts say her defense team is facing a very high degree of difficulty.

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Earlier today at the Staples Center in Los Angeles they had the big Michael Jackson memorial service. It was a bittersweet day for Michael’s family; after the service they beat the Clippers 110-89.

Earlier today in Los Angeles they had Michael Jackson’s memorial service. Millions of people watched on TV, making Michael the most watched dead man on TV, other than Larry King.

Down in Washington earlier today Al Franken was sworn in as senator from Minnesota. He did so well that he’ll be sworn in nightly through the summer.

Down in Washington earlier today Al Franken was sworn in as senator from Minnesota. It was quite a show; to warm up the crowd Carrot Top was sworn in first.

Yesterday President Obama and Russian President Dmitri Medvedev announced a new agreement to reduce nuclear stockpiles. They’re really solving some tough problems; earlier today they brokered a peace deal between Jon and Kate.

Here in New York City this week they’ve having the Little People of America convention. Earlier today the keynote address was given by Tom Cruise.

The world’s oldest known bible is now officially available online. It’s 1,600 years old, making it the oldest relic available online, not including Joan Rivers’ on eHarmony.

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MONDAY: My wife and I took our son Harry to see the fireworks on Saturday night. It was the biggest fireworks he’s seen, other than one of our fights.

MONDAY: Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska on Friday. Here’s how it works: she resigned on Friday and on July 26 she’ll officially transfer her wardrobe to the lieutenant governor.

MONDAY: Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska on Friday. She said she’s looking forward to spending more time with her wardrobe.

MONDAY: Sarah Palin resigned as governor of Alaska on Friday. Here’s how it works: on July 26 she turns over power to the Lt Gov Sean Parnell, at which time I start apologizing to him.

MONDAY: Congratulations to Joey Chestnut, who won hot dog eating contest on July 4th after eating 68 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Afterward he said he fell bloated, nauseous and sick; he said it was just like eating one Yankee Stadium hot dog.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President George W. Bush turns 63 today. Instead of blowing out the candles on his cake he had Dick Cheney waterboard it.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President George W. Bush turns 63 today. His friends threw him a party and had a girl jump out of cake and then Dick Cheney waterboarded her.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President George W. Bush turns 63 today. His friends got him one of those big novelty cakes and pulled a guy dressed like Saddam Hussein out of it.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President George W. Bush turns 63 today. He celebrated by taking it easy, not doing any work and hanging out his ranch. It’s the same way he spent his eight years as president.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President George W. Bush turns 63 today. He celebrated with his family by having a quiet dinner at Chuck E. Cheese’s.

MONDAY: Michael Jackson’s memorial service is set for Tuesday in the Staples Center in Los Angeles. It’ll be a huge event – James Brown will be the opening act.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Spam turned 72 yesterday. It’s the oldest lunch meat in America – other than the roast beef at the Hello Deli.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the Triborough Bridge here in New York turns 73 today. It’s 73 years old, has undergone several major facelifts and still accepts passengers – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Barbara Walters.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Jessica Simpson turns 29 today. Her friends threw her a party and had a cake jump out of a cake.

Good news: the Statue of Liberty’s crown has been reopened to the public. It’s a good deal: $15 to go up to the crown. That’s the cheapest it’ll cost you to get inside a woman’s skirt outside of Times Square.

Congratulations to Rosie O’Donnell whose getting her satellite radio show. I’m thinking, great, that’s all we need – another ex-jock on the radio.

Here in New York City researchers at the Brooklyn Museum discovered that a 2,000-year-old mummy that they thought was a woman was really a man. They discovered it after they used a special CT scanner for ancient bodies that they borrowed from Joan Rivers’ doctor.

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