From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admitted that he’s having an affair with a woman in Argentina. Say what you will about Eliot Spitzer but at least his whores were made in America.

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford admitted that he’s having an affair with a woman in Argentina after he disappeared for four days. Say what you will about Bill Clinton, but at least when he had an affair he never left his desk.

Dick Cheney signed a deal to write his memoir – to be published in the Spring of 2011. Following its publication he’ll be heading out on a waterboarding tour.

Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad told President Obama today to quit interfering in his country’s affairs. It’s the same thing Cheney used to tell Bush.

Congratulations to the U.S. soccer which beat the number one team in the world, Spain, yesterday 2-0. It’s just nice to see America win something for a change.

Here in New York City they’ve started selling the naming rights to subway stations. The city is trying to raise money by selling the naming rights to the most trafficked parts of town: subway stations, bus stations, hookers…

A man in Wisconsin was arrested for driving a golf cart drunk on a highway. Police knew he was drunk when they administered a breathalyzer test and he blew a nine over par.

Phil Spector is going to be allowed to have jam sessions with his fellow prisoners. In fact, last night he had a jam sessions with his cellmate.

Harvard University is cuttin 275 jobs after losing 30 percent of its endowment in 2009. Harvard said that to make up for its shrinking endowment it was going to buy a convertible.

New census data shows that the number of people 65 and older will triple by the year 2050. The government says that if we don’t start planning now, by 2050 we’ll be facing a serious shortage of slot machines.

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It’s Gay Pride Week here in New York City. In honor of Gay Pride Week earlier today Mayor Bloomberg gave the keys to the city to Clay Aiken.

Dick Cheney has signed a deal to publish his memoirs. He’s promising to tell where the bodies are buried – literally.

Dick Cheney is getting $2 million to write his memoirs. Gee, I wonder how he negotiated such a sweet deal?

Ed McMahon died on Tuesday at the age of 86. Now that Ed is dead that means America’s new most useless sidekick is Joe Biden.

Jon and Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus Eight have filed for divorce. They’ve already come to a custody agreement: she gets the kids, he gets the nanny.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford has disappeared this week to “recharge” – but his wife has no idea where he is. The good news is he’s been found and he’s OK; the bad news is now his wife knows where he is again.

Chris Brown pleaded guilty Monday to assaulting Rihanna in a deal that requires him to clean up graffiti and roadside trash. He was so unhappy with the deal that after court he beat up his lawyer.

Armed robbers dressed in drag stole $102 million from a jewelry store in Paris on Monday. Police describe the suspects as armed and blinged-out.

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It’s gay pride week here in New York City. In honor of Gay Pride Week earlier today the Statue of Liberty got a buzz cut.

Iran’s supreme leader says that the recent presidential election wasn’t rigged. I’m not sure I believe him; he also said there was no way Jon and Kate would get divorced.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford was recently gone for four days and not even his wife knew where he was. I’m thinking, big deal: on most nights Hillary Clinton doesn’t know where Bill is.

Jon and Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus Eight have filed for divorce. They’ve already worked out a custody agreement: she gets the kids, he gets his sanity.

Jon and Kate Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus Eight have filed for divorce. They’re already seeing other people; earlier tonight Jon was out with the Octomom.

We found out this week that Apple CEO Steve Jobs had a liver transplant earlier this year. His doctors say he’s doing really well with liver 2.0.

Chris Brown pleaded guilty Monday to assaulting Rihanna in a deal that requires him to clean up graffiti and roadside trash. He’s already fulfilling his sentence; earlier today he cleaned up Amy Winehouse.

President Obama said in an interview this week that his daughters Malia and Sasha have to make their beds, walk the dog, feed the dog �" and that they are not allowed to watch TV during the week. So, apparently he’s not really against torture.

An 83-year-old pilot had to land his plane on a Miami expressway Sunday after experiencing engine trouble. Witnesses said they knew it was an elderly pilot because after he landed his left his turn signal on for 10 miles.

Michael Phelps set a personal best in the 100m butterfly on Saturday Canada. His coach used a new technique to help him train: he dangles a bong at one end of the pool.

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MONDAY: Yesterday for Father’s Day my son Harry brought me my favorite breakfast in bed: juice, a bran muffin and Lipitor.

MONDAY I’m wearing my Father’s Day gift from my son Harry. can you guess what it is? It’s gaudy, it’s over-the-top, it’s made from cheap fabric – that’s right, it’s my hairpiece.

MONDAY: Yesterday was Father’s Day and we did the same thing we’ve done since my son Harry was born: I snuggled up in bed with Harry and his mom and we all read my will together.

MONDAY: Yesterday for Father’s Day I took the family out for dinner at the Olive Garden. It was good deal becasue I was able to get a Father’s Day and an AARP discount.

MONDAY: Hillary Clinton fell and broke her elbow last week. The good news is she’s already feeling well enough for Bill to resume dating.

MONDAY: Hillary Clinton fell and broke her elbow last week. Her doctors say she’ll make a full recovery, but for the next six weeks she’ll have to use her left arm to throw things at Bill.

MONDAY: The new iPhone 3G S was released over the weekend. Do you have one? They’re amazing. My favorite new iPhone app is the one that can control my pacemaker.

It’s Gay Pride Week here in New York City. It’s the biggest event for the gay community here in New York City, other than the Tony Awards.

It’s Gay Pride Week here in New York City. It’s the biggest week for gay guys here in New York City, other than Fleet Week.

Here’s in New York City this has been the coldest June since 1903. It’s been so cold here in New York that tourists have been coming in here to warm up.

Earlier today I saw a sure sign that it’s fat tourist season here in New York City: over in Central Park they were putting the reinforced tires on the horse drawn carriages.

Hustler CEO Larry Flynt was rushed to a Los Angeles hospital on Saturday. He’s doing well; earlier today his status was upgraded from critical to sleazy.

A Continental Airlines pilot died in the middle of a transatlantic flight from Brussels to New Jersey last week. The good news is the flight landed safely in Newark; the bad news is the pilot’s body landed up in Detroit.

A company in Israel has developed the world’s first kosher search engine, called Koogle. It’s already been banned in Iran, Syria and Mel Gibson’s house.

Good news: crime in the New York City schools is way down. It must be true because it’s been weeks since my son Harry came home from school with a gunshot wound.

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Bad weather here in New York City today. It was 66 and gloomy – just like me.

Hillary Clinton fell and broke her elbow on Wednesday. I thought this was nice: as soon as he heard the news Bill immediately canceled his date and rushed to her side.

There’s a new problem at the White House these days: flies. It’s overrun with flies. White House staffers say the problem has gotten much since Bush left office and Dick Cheney isn’t around to waterboard them any more.

The U.S. government has been looking for places to send the detainees in Gitmo. They sent one batch to Italy, one batch to Bermuda and the rest are here in New York City leading the Fire Dave rallies.

The U.S. government has been looking for places to send the detainees in Gitmo. Once they can find somebody to take those undesirables, then they’ll work on finding a place to send the cast of The View.

A federal judge has granted John Hinckley, Jr. the right spend more time visiting his family. The ruling was made over the objections of prosecutors – and John Hinckley, Jr.

We found out this week that Sammy Sosa tested positive for steroids in 2003. So, now we’ve found out in the past few months that in 2003 the following people tested positive for steroids: Alex Rodriguez, Samm Sosa and Rosie O’Donnell.

83 year old Dick Van Dyke is writing a memoir. He’s writing under a very tight deadline – death.

The Mexican navy found a ton of cocaine hidden inside of frozen sharks. Mexican officials were tipped off when someone told them they saw Amy Winehouse trying to snort a great white.

A former Catholic priest in Florida married his longtime girlfriend this week. He had a wild bachelor party; his buddies spiked the holy water.

Officials at Continental Airlines apologized for sending a 10-year-old girl who was flying alone to New Jersey instead of Ohio. As soon as they realized their mistake airline officials apologized and put her right on a plane to Atlanta.

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The Statue of Liberty’s crown is going to reopen for July 4th. So far, ticket sales are slow, so they’ve cut the price of the front row seats in half.

Everybody in New York City is excited about the reopening of the Statue of Liberty’s crown. Down in Times Square the hookers are offering a Statue of Liberty special: for $50 you can mount them.

New York City drivers have been voted the angriest and more aggressive drivers in the country. Here’s how crazy New York drivers are: earlier today I was cut off by a horse-drawn Central Park carriage.

Scientists in Greenland have discovered 120,000 year-old bacteria 2 miles below the ice. They named the new species Chryseobacterium larrykingis.

The FDA is warning that Zicam nasal spray can cause destroy your sense of smell. They’re advising people not to use it – unless they ride the subway.

Brad Pitt and his siblings gave $1 million to a hospital in Missouri to help open a new pediatric cancer center named for their mother. Technically, Brad donated the whole $1 million and his siblings just signed the card.

A new survey finds that 28% of Americans blame the Internet for spending less time with their families. The other 72% thanked the Internet for giving them an excuse to not spend time with their families.

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Here in New York City they’ve turned Times Square into a pedestrian mall with hundreds of beach chairs. If you’re visiting New York soon you really should check it out: Times Square is lovely at low tide.

Here in New York City they’ve turned Times Square into a pedestrian mall with hundreds of beach chairs. If you’re a tourist dont’ be fooled: that smell in the air ain’t brine.

Over in Iran the guy President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad defeated in the election this weekend says there was ballot fraud in Iran’s presidential election on Friday. Apparently he’s claiming there were problems with the voting machines in Broward and Dade counties.

Former President Bill Clinton has been named a special U.N. envoy to Haiti. His job will be to help create access to jobs, basic services and wet T-shirt contests.

Michelle Obama hosted a jazz workshop at the White House on Monday for Wynton Marsalis and 150 students. With all those horns being played I believe there hasn’t been that much blowing going on in the White House since Bill Clinton was president.

A Russian billionaire launched the world’s largest private yacht this week. It’s 557-feet long and comes with two helipads, a missile-detection system, and 10 meals a day.

Historians in Italy have discovered a nude painting that resembles the Mona Lisa that was painted by Leonardo Da Vinci. The painting was found in a private residence, in some guy’s sock drawer.

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MONDAY: Congratulations to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who was re-elected over the weekend. During his victory speech he made sure to thank his brother, Jeb Ahmadinejad.

MONDAY: Over in Iran people are protesting and rioting over the presidential elections. Here’s how crazy it was: the riot police were wearing bullet-proof turbans.

MONDAY: Over in Iran people are protesting and rioting over the re-election of President Ahmadinejad. People are rioting in the streets, they’re protesting, they’re demanding that he step down – no, wait that’s what they’re doing outside this theater.

MONDAY: Over in Iran people are protesting and rioting over the presidential elections. People are screaming and fighting and yelling – it’s like watching an Arabic version of The View.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Superman turned 71 yesterday. You can tell Superman is getting older; earlier today he went into a phone booth to change and when he got inside he said, “Wait, why did I come in here?”

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Donald Trump turned 63 yesterday. Donald is 63, but in dog years that thing on his head is 441.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Paula Abdul turns 47 today. Her friends threw her a big party which she thought was great – but Simon Cowell thought was awful.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Garfield the cat turns 31 today. Garfield is America’s most beloved ball of fur – other than that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

Sarah Palin is still mad at me for some jokes I told about her last week. I’ve had women this mad at me before, but usually it involves a rejected credit card.

One of Al Qaeda’s top financier’s has been arrested in Yemen. I believe his name is Hassan Hussein Bin Madoff.

Malawai’s high court ruled on Friday that Madonna can adopt a young girl from the country. This is the second child she’s adopted from Malawai, so I believe the next one is free.

A new report finds that one in four payphones in the New York City subway system don’t work. They say the phones are old and broken down and need to be replaced with new ones – it’s the same thing they say about the hookers in Times Square.

Astronomers in Switzerland say that, for the first time, they’ve identified a planet outside of our galaxy. They used a new method to find it: Google Universe.

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Over in Iran tomorrow they’re having a presidential election. Experts say President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has a big advantage: the voting machines are controlled by his brother Jeb Ahmadinejad.

Here in New York City they’ve turned Broadway into a pedestrian mall. So far it’s a big success: only 10 pedestrians are missing.

Bar Refaeli and Leonado DiCaprio have split up. I’m wondering, is it too early to start stalking her?

New York City is now letting strangers share cabs. It’s a great way to get to know your fellow New Yorkers because what better way to bond with someone than through a near-death experience?

An woman in Israeli accidentally threw out a mattress in which her mother had stored $1 million in cash. I believe it’s the most money somebody has thrown away since CBS hired me.

Astronomers in California say that a nearby red star is going to explode very soon. If it does, they say it’ll be the biggest star to explode since – Christian Bale.

Congratulations to Mike Tyson who got married for the third time over the weekend. Guests at the wedding were instructed to give their presents directly to Don King.

Police officers in London are being accused of waterboarding suspected drug dealers. Sources say the London police waterboard just like the CIA – but in a much more charming way.

Starbucks recently charged one million credit card customers twice for their purchases. Starbucks apologized and called it a grande mistake.

A Frenchman shattered the world record for holding your breath under water �" at 11 minutes and 35 seconds. Hell, I held my breath longer than this morning on rthe subway.

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Yesterday at the White House a tree was knocked down by strong winds. I believe it’s the first time something at the White House has been blown like that since – Bill Clinton.

Congratulations to Mike Tyson who got married for the third time over the weekend. The wedding night was like his last fight: full of clinching and it was over in two minutes.

Barry Bonds and his wife, Liz, are getting divorced. They’ve agreed to split all their assets: the house, the money and her clean urine.

Here in New York City this week they broke ground on a new tunnel under the Hudson River. The ceremony was attended were representatives of the city, the state and organized crime.

Rupert Murdoch is renting his summer home on the North Shore of Long Island to Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie for $100,000 a month. It’s good deal: it comes with 11 bedrooms, 7 fireplaces and 5 more kids.

A company has developed a new at-home gender testing kit for pregnant women. The company says if it works for pregnant women then they’ll try using it on American Idol finalists.

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Down in Washington last night Sarah Palin appeared at a Republican fund raising dinner. She didn’t speak at the event but she did participate in the swimsuit competition.

Barry Bonds and his wife, Liz, are getting divorced. Apparently she caught him injecting another woman.

Here in New York City this week they broke ground on a new tunnel under the Hudson River. It’s expected to create 6,000 new jobs – and that’s just within the Gambino crime family.

Phil Spector’s wife said in a recent interview that she’s not a gold digger and that they had frequent sex. Coincidentally, earlier today his new cellmate said the same thing.

This past weekend in Florida a 93-year-old man and an 89-year-old woman got married. So, congratulations to Larry King!

Astronomers announced this week that they’ve weighed the most massive black hole ever: it’s 6.4 billion times the mass of the sun. It’s so big they have to estimate it’s actual weight using mathematical models – it’s the same way they weigh Rosie O’Donnell.

For the first time in 30 years, Saudis were allowed to go to the movies this weekend, but no women were allowed. Industry experts say they haven’t seen this many guys going to the movies alone since Star Trek opened.

A 23-year-old rancher in South Dakota won the $232 million Powerball lottery. What are the odds of that – somebody living in South Dakota?

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MONDAY: Sarah Palin was in New York City yesterday. She had a great time; she spent the day hunting rats from a helicopter.

MONDAY: Sarah Palin was in New York City yesterday. She said she now knows all about organized crime because she could see New Jersey from her hotel room.

MONDAY: The Tony Awards were last night. You could tell the Tony Awards were affected by the economy- the show was 20% less gay than normal.

MONDAY: Congratulations to Billy Elliot, which won 10 Tony Awards last night. The main character is played by three teenage boys who takes turns performing each night. It’s the same deal Michael Jackson had.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Happy birthday to Joan Rivers who turns 76 today. Her doctor says she has the body of a much younger woman – and the receipts to prove it.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Malia Obama turned 8 yesterday. She had a party with lots of friends and a clown for entertainment – and Joe Biden said he was happy to do it.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the Olsen twins turn 23 today. That’s right 23 – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s their combined weight.

FRIDAY: Today was the day that TV shut down all analog broadcasts. I’ve got one of those digital tuner boxes for my old TV and it’s flashing 12:00, so I’m all set.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: former President George H. W. Bush turns 85 today. He’s 85 years old and in perfect command of all of his faculties – unlike his son.

Hillary Clinton said she originally turned down President Obama’s offer to be Secretary of State. That’s surprising because she’s usually the one being rejected by a president.

We found out last week that President Obama has German roots dating back to the 1700s. He said that explains why he’s always had a slight urge to invade Poland.

To protest Kim Jong Il’s nuclear testing, the U.N. is considering a ban on luxury foods being sent to North Korea. That means no more caviar, lobster and sliced bread.

Alex Rodriguez and Kate Hudson are officially dating. Friends expect it to be all over before October – just like the Yankees season.

Britney Spears is selling her home in California for $6.5 million. It’s a good deal – the house comes with six bedrooms, six baths and a full set of snow tires.

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President Obama gave a big speech in Egypt today. I thought he did a great job and it was nice to see Andy Richter as his sidekick again.

President Obama arrived in Saudia Arabia yesteday. The Saudi King picked him up at the airport and took him into Riydah – and Obama gave him a nice tip.

Congratulations to Angelina Jolie, who was named the most powerful celebrity in the world by Forbes magazine. So, once again she’s picked ahead of Jennifer Anniston.

Osama bin Laden released a new audio recording earlier this week. It’s gotten so much attention it debuted at number one on the psychotic terror leader charts.

The federal government accidentally released a highly confidential list of nuclear sites and programs around the country. When Dick Cheney heard the news, out of habit he waterboarded his housekeeper.

Madonna is going to perform in Israel this summer. Israel is the home to many ancient relics – so she should fit right in.

A woman flying from Chile to Spain was arrested when police discovered that her two suitcases were made of cocaine. Airline officials say they became suspicious when they saw the bags were being carried by Amy Winehouse.

Aretha Franklin and Barry Manilow will sing in Washington, D.C.’s annual Fourth of July celebration on the National Mall. You know, assuming she doesn’t eat him.

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President Obama arrived in Saudia Arabia earlier today. He was greeted at the airport by the Saudi King and then rode into town on Camel One.

Good news: New York City now has the lowest crime rate of all big cities. Here’s how low the crime rate is now: earlier today the Gambino crime family declared bankruptcy.

Vice President Joe Biden was in town yesterday and he bought a suit at Barney’s for $2,400. Apparently, Hillary Clinton sent him to her pants suit guy.

Joan Rivers is selling her penthouse here in New York City. It’s 106 years old, has many original fixtures and has undergone a number of facelifts – no, wait, I’m sorry that’s Joan.

North Korea says now that they could launch a long-range missile capable of reaching Alaska in one week. The good news is Sarah Palin should see it coming a mile away.

Republican politicians from Nevada and Mississippi have already started campaigning in Iowa for the 2012 elections. Here’s how serious they are: they’ve already started scouting local beauty pageants for running mates.

A Taiwanese man who lost $2 million in Las Vegas is threatening to sue the Venetian hotel for using feng shui to cause his losing streak. The casino is so sure it will win, it’s installed itself as a 2-1 favorite.

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GM announced today that they’ve sold Hummer. It sold for between $100 and $200 million, which would be the most somebody has paid for a hummer since Eliot Spitzer.

North Korean leader Kim Jong Il has announced that his third son is now his official heir. I believe his name is George W. Il.

The Jets and Giants are saying that they’re new stadium will be one of the greenest in all of sports. They say it’ll be filled with lots of recycled steel, concrete and plastic – and that’s just in the hot dogs.

President Obama had General Motors file for Chapter 11 bankruptcy on Monday. Obama drove a hard bargain: he negotiated GM down from Chapter 15 bankruptcy.

The Octomom is getting her own reality show. It’s expected to draw a huge audience – and those’ll just be her kids.

Everybody is still talking about the big date that President Obama and his wife Michelle went out on here in New York City on Saturday night. It was an expensive date; they had to pay for the flight to New York, tickets to a Broadway show and Joe Biden for babysitting.

Happy birthday to Big Ben, which turned 150 this week. Big Ben has undergone a few changes since it was first built; for example, last year they added a snooze button.

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MONDAY: Welcome to all you former Leno viewers tuning into my show for the time.

That means you, mom!

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MONDAY: President Obama and his wife Michelle went out on a date here in New York City on Saturday night.

It’s nice, for a change, to see the president go out on a date that doesn’t result in impeachment charges.

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MONDAY: Yesterday was the 120th anniversary of the Johnstown flood.

Earlier today, just in time for the anniversary, FEMA finally arrived.

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MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the 59th street bridge turns 100 this week.

The 59th street bridge is 100 years old, has had several face-lifts, and, over the years, countless number of people have been on it – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Barbara Walters.

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MONDAY: Congratulations to 13 year-old Kavya Shivashankar who won the Scripps National Spelling Bee last week.

She won by successfully spelling Shivashankar.

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MONDAY: Britain’s Prince Harry was in New York this weekend and attended a polo match on Friday.

He was going to go to a Yankees game, but he said the tickets were too expensive.

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MONDAY: Phil Spector has been sentenced 19 years to life for second-degree murder.

Prison officials say that, so far, he’s been crazy, he’s been wild, he’s been unruly – and that’s just his hair.

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FRIDAY: Today is the 65th anniversary of the D-Day invasion.

In honor of D-Day today the stock market closed at 1944 levels.

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Secretary of State Hillary Clinton made a surprise appearance at Yale University’s graduation last week.

She hasn’t surprised anybody like that since she caught Bill with an intern.

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Celebrity birthdays: LaToya Jackson just turned 53.

They say she’s the craziest of the Jackson girls, other than Michael.

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A children’s clown in West Virgina was arrested last week for DUI.

Police say she failed a field sobriety test: she couldn’t make a balloon dog.

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A reporter was dragged kicking and screaming from the press area near Air Force one in Los Angeles last week.

I believe it’s the first time somebody’s had to be dragged away from Air Force One kicking and screaming since Al Gore lost to George Bush.

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Last week was the 50th anniversary of the first U.S. animals to fly in space and return safely – two monkeys.

Here’s how far we’ve come since then: today, an ape is governor of California.

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Several Egyptian newspapers got hold of President Obama’s top-secret itinerary for his visit to Cairo last week.

Nobody knows how they got the information, but former vice president Dick Cheney has offered to help find out who was responsible.

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Over in the Netherlands they’re going to close eight prisons because the crime rate there is so low.

It was either close some prisons or invite O. J. Simpson to come and live there.

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Jessica Simpson is going to star in a new reality show about different beauty standards around the world.

The show is going to be shot in HD and, of course, wide screen.

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Two workers at Yellowstone National Park have been fired for urinating into the Old Faithful geyser.

The good news is Old Faithful is clean now thanks to the world’s largest urinal cake.

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A new poll released last week shows that only 29% of Minnesotans want Brett Favre to sign with the Vikings.

The sample poll was redone today and those 29% changed their minds.

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