Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
May 21, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:53 am UTC
It was a beautiful, warm day today in New York City.
It was so nice today that over at St. Patrick’s the nuns were all wearing mini-habits.
Earlier today Barack Obama and Dick Cheney gave opposing speeches about national security.
The way it worked was, each guy gave his speech and then was criticized by Simon Cowell.
Earlier today Barack Obama and Dick Cheney gave opposing speeches about national security.
Here’s how it works: they gave their speeches today then tomorrow night Ryan Seacrest will announced the winner.
Trump Magazine has folded.
Have you seen Trump Magazine? It’s made from high gloss, heavy paper with expensive ink – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s that thing on his head.
All of the passengers on the US Airways flight that landed in the Hudson have gotten their luggage back, cleaned and dried
The plane landed in the Hudson, but their luggage landed up in the Mississippi.
Yesterday Michael Vick was released from prison after serving two years for dog fighting.
He’s not free yet; he’s got to spend the next two months confined to a kennel.
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May 20, 2009.
Web Posted at: 6:42 am UTC
It’s Fleet Week here in New York City.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Fleet Week Special: for $50 they’ll swab your poopdeck.
Celebrity birthdays: Cher turns 63 today.
Cher has the body of a much younger woman – and the receipts to prove it.
Michael Vick was released from prison today after serving two years for dog fighting.
In response, earlier today PETA raised its threat level to red.
82 years ago today Charles Lindbergh took off from New York on the first non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean.
He landed in Paris the next day, but his luggage ended up in Detroit.
82 years ago today Charles Lindbergh took off from New York on the first non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean.
The flight from New York to Paris took about 33 hours, was in a cramped, uncomfortable seat and was completely without any amenities – it was just like flying JetBlue today.
Mel Gibson’s girlfriend is pregnant with his child.
Mel says he doesn’t care whether it’s a boy or a girl just so long as the baby isn’t Jewish.
A new report shows that hotel crimes are on the rise during the recession.
And that’s not even counting the prices at the minibar.
The Belgian bodybuilding championship was cancelled this weekend after all the competitors fled when the drug testers arrived.
When he heard this Manny Ramirez said, “You can do that?”
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May 19, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:32 am UTC
President Obama said that the presence of Secret Service guard could make it hard for his daughters to go on dates.
It was the same problem Bill Clinton had.
Former President Clinton has been appointed the United Nations special envoy to Haiti.
He’s certainly has experience with civil war zones – like his own house.
Here in New York City they’re trying to clean up the Hudson River.
It’s kind of a half-hearted effort; all they’re doing is dumping in a bunch of urinal cakes.
Earlier today President Obama announced new regulations to cut down on greenhouse gas emissions by cars.
Also today, Mayor Bloomberg announced new regulations to cut down on noxious emissions by cab drivers.
A magnitude 4.7 earthquake hit Los Angeles yesterday.
The quake was strong enough to rock Britney Spears’s house, but luckily she had the emergency brake on.
The jockey who rode Mine That Bird to victory in the Kentucky Derby, Calvin Borel, switched to Rachel Alexandra for the Preakness.
I haven’t seen a guy switch mounts like that since Brad dumped Jen for Angelina.
A 66-year-old woman in England will become the world’s oldest mother when she gives birth next month.
She’s not saying who the father is – not because she doesn’t know, but because she can’t remember.
A man in London was arrested for trying to hire a prostitute for his 14-year-old son.
The good news is he’s now the leading candidate for father of the year.
A new study finds that taller people earn more money.
The researchers said there are some exceptions- like Tom Cruise.
British scientists announced last week that they’ve discovered the key steps in how life on earth began.
They made the discovery through a series of lab experiments, computer simulations and by asking Larry King what he remembers about it.
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May 18, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:31 am UTC
MONDAY: Congratulations to Rachel Alexandra for winning the Preakness Stakes on Saturday.
She’s the first filly to win the Preakness in 85 years; it’s also the biggest win by a filly since Angelina Jolie won the Brad Pitt Stakes.
MONDAY: Star Trek made another $43 million this weekend, bringing its total haul to about $120 million in its first ten days.
Set your phasers to “sequel.”
MONDAY: Angels & Demons was the number one movie this weekend.
The Catholic Church isn’t too happy about this movie. As a matter of fact when I went to see it this weekend I had to bust through a picket line of angry nuns.
MONDAY: On yesterday’s date in 1792 the New York Stock Exchange was formed.
Today, in honor of that, the market closed at 1,792.
MONDAY: On yesterday’s date in 1792 the New York Stock Exchange was formed.
1792 – or, as they call it on Wall Street, the good old days.
MONDAY: On Saturday, President Obama attended both of his daughters, Malia and Sasha’s, soccer games.
I thought this was nice, after the games he took the teams on Air Force One to get ice cream and buzz Manhattan.
MONDAY: A magnitude 4.7 earthquake hit Los Angeles today.
The earthquake was so strong that Manny Ramirez tested positive for anti-anxiety medication.
FRIDAY: We’ll be going to my brother-in-law’s for a big Memorial Day barbeque this weekend.
I asked my brother-in-law if I should bring anything and he said, “Just your checkbook.”
Joe Biden recently divulged the location of Dick Cheney’s secret bunker.
Apparently, the bunker is beneath the vice president’s residence in Washington. Biden said that explains the high water bills that were left over from Cheney’s time.
A 66-year old woman is pregnant and is about to become the oldest mother in the world.
Please please please, I’m begging – get some help, Madonna.
Madonna and her 22 year-old boyfriend Jesus Luz are reportedly ready to make things legal.
They’re not getting married – she’s adopting him.
Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps returned to competition over the weekend for the first time since his suspension for smoking marijuana.
He said he was just glad to be in water that wasn’t hot.
Pfizer announced that it would give away Viagra for one year to people who recently lost their jobs.
Not only that, but along with the Viagra they’re also throwing in free dinner and Barry White albums.
Pfizer announced that it would give away many of its prescription drugs for one year to people who recently lost their jobs.
So, that means that, during his suspension, Manny Ramirez can keep getting his female fertility drugs.
Archeologists in Germany have discovered a 35,000-year-old statue of a naked female.
It’s the oldest known representation of a woman and also Hugh Hefner’s first attempt at entertainment for men.
A new study finds that daydreaming is an effective way to solve problems.
I’m not sure I believe that; it didn’t seem to help George Bush.
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May 14, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:26 am UTC
Manny Ramirez of the Dodgers has been suspended for 50 games for testing positive for a female fertility drug.
So, here’s the deal: he’s due to return to the lineup in July and give birth in November.
Manny Ramirez of the Dodgers has been suspended for 50 games for testing positive for a female fertility drug.
He tested positive for hCG, human chorionic gonadotropin, which is pretty powerful stuff; it’s the same thing the Octomom took.
A stripper says that she had three-way sex with Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps and another woman.
That would never happen to me; I’m more of an individual medley kind of guy.
Yesterday astronauts on the space shuttle grabbed the Hubble space telescope and pulled it into the shuttle cargo bay for repairs.
It took a team of astronauts several hours and a 50-foot robotic arm to wrestle the Hubble into the cargo bay. It’s the same way they get Kirstie Alley into a bathing suit.
Up there on the space shuttle this week the astronauts are repairing the Hubble Telescope.
They say it’s a very dangerous mission, but it was either that or take it to the dealer.
Sarah Palin announced this week that she’s going publish a memoir next year.
I believe it’ll be the first political memoir with a centerfold spread.
The U.S. government reported on Thursday that the average potency of marijuana is at its highest level ever.
Here’s how potent marijuana is now: earlier today Cheech & Chong announced they’re coming out of retirement.
The FDA scolded the makers of Cheerios for claiming it can lower cholesterol.
The Obama administration is really going after these cereal companies; earlier today President Obama demoted Cap’n Crunch to a private.
Experts say that because of the Recession, Social Security will be depleted in 2037, four years sooner than originally predicted.
The good news is global warming will wipe out the planet long before then.
Drug officials say the international cocaine market is in retreat.
The demand for cocaine has dropped so much that earlier today representatives from the straw industry asked Congress for a bailout.
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May 13, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:16 am UTC
It was a lovely day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Air Force One buzzed the city with the top down.
Earlier today over at Yankees Stadium NYU held it’s graduation ceremonies.
Each of those kids and their parents spent several hundred thousand dollars to be able to sit in Yankee Stadium for a few hours – just like Yankee fans.
Earlier today over at Yankee Stadium Hillary Clinton gave the commencement address to NYU graduates.
Hillary did well; she gave an inspirational speech and then two-hit the Yankees.
The Yankees are auctioning off all sorts of stuff from the old Yankee Stadium.
There’s all sorts of stuff available from grass, to steel, to concrete – and that’s just the hot dogs.
The Yankees are auctioning off all sorts of stuff from the old Yankee Stadium.
The prices are crazy; I took a look at the auction site and the cheapest thing on the list was Madonna.
Lindsay Lohan is rumored to be seven weeks pregnant.
So that means she’s being bisexual for two now.
A 12-year-old boy has officially filed to run for president of Iran.
I believe he’s the first person with the brain of a sixth grader to run for president since George Bush.
An orangutan at a zoo in Australia tried to escape by short-circuiting electrical wires and building a ladder.
Experts say it’s the most impressive performance by a big dumb ape since Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor of California.
Boy George was released early from prison this week after serving 4 months of a 15-month sentence for false imprisonment.
He said after four months of body cavity searches, showering with other men and being made somebody’s bitch he can’t wait to go back.
Victoria Gotti’s is losing her Long Island home to foreclosure.
The bad news is the bank wants to foreclose on her; the good news is nobody at the bank is willing to go over there and kick her out.
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May 12, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:32 am UTC
I saw a sure sign that it’s allergy season here in New York City today.
This morning I actually saw the Statue of Liberty sneeze.
There are rumors now that Lindsay Lohan is pregnant.
So far she’s refusing to say who the mother is.
Gas prices are going up again.
Here’s how high gas prices have gotten: today, for the first time in six months I siphoned gas from my neighbor’s car.
Victoria Gotti’s is losing her Long Island home to foreclosure.
Things are bad for the Gotti’s these days. Earlier today I saw Victoria Gotti on the sidewalk with a sign that said “Will be tacky for food.”
Snoop Dogg was found not guilty for assaulting a man at his concert in 2005.
Snoop said the other guy’s case was bull-shizzle.
A thief in Mexico is robbing people and forcing them to listen to him sing.
His victims say he leaves them feeling the same way they do after attending an Ashlee Simpson concert.
This week the cost of a first class stamp goes up to 44 cents.
Everybody complains about the price of stamps but, to be fair to the post office, those letters don’t lose themselves.
The Obama administration will resume building a Bush-era “virtual fence” along the U.S.-Mexican border.
The only difference between the Obama fence and the Bush fence is that Obama’s fence won’t have Dick Cheney walking along it with a rifle.
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May 11, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:35 am UTC
MONDAY: Yesterday was Mother’s Day.
I couldn’t be with my mom on Mother’s Day, so I arranged to have a flowers sent to her directly at the Indian Casino.
MONDAY: Economists say the economy got a big boost from Mother’s Day.
They said most of it was due to the Octomom.
MONDAY: Yesterday for Mother’s Day my son Harry wanted to make his mom breakfast in bed.
So, I let him place the order with the cook.
MONDAY: The new Star Trek movie was the number one movie over the weekend.
It made $75 million this weekend, which is amazing considering that none of that was from anyone on a date.
MONDAY: Pope Benedict XVI is in Israel this week.
It’s the first visit by a religious leader to a war zone since the last time Tom Cruise was on The View.
MONDAY: President Obama was a big hit telling jokes at the White House Correspondent’s dinner on Saturday.
He was so funny that earlier today NBC gave him the 10:00 slot.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Liberace would have turned 90 tomorrow.
For those of you too young to remember Liberace let me describe him: he was like Elton John on performance enhancing drugs.
Here in New York City they’re starting to charge rent at homeless shelters.
Homeless shelters have gotten so expensive that homeless people are starting to commute in from New Jersey.
The White House Aide who approved the Air Force One flyover of Manhattan resigned on Friday.
He said he’s looking forward to approving illegal flyovers in the private sector.
Congratulations to Dolly Parton who was awarded an honorary doctorate last week.
That’s right – she received an honorary degree from the University of Tennessee in Knockersville – no, I’m sorry, I mean, Knoxville.
Manny Ramirez of the Dodgers tested positive last week for a female fertility drug.
He’s been suspended by baseball for 50 games. Well, technically, it’s not a suspension; it’s maternity leave.
Manny Ramierz of the Dodgers was suspended last week for 50 games for testing positive for a banned substance.
He says he didn’t know he had taken a banned substance which is believable since he said he also didn’t know who the president is, what city he’s playing in or what the swine flu is.
They’re saying now that Manny Ramirez’s 50-game suspension will cost him $7.7 million.
Earlier today he tested positive for anti-depressants.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger wants to have a debate about legalizing marijuana for recreational use.
Here’s what he’s proposing: an open debate between proponents and opponents, followed by a pose off.
Last week Google brought in a herd of goats to mow the lawn at its California headquarters to save energy.
The Obamas are doing a similar thing at the White House to be green, but it involves Joe Biden and some garden shears.
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May 7, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:19 am UTC
Alex Rodriguez’s rehab from hip surgery is going well.
He’s already successfully tested the hip batting, running and sliding. Now’s there’s only more test – sleeping with Madonna.
Michael Jackson is being sued by his former publicist for $44 million.
Michael tried to settle out of court but she rejected his offer: $50 and a used llama.
Anthropologists in Indonesia have identified 18,000 year old bones as a new species of humans.
The new species were only about three feet tall and weighed about 65 pounds and have been named Homo Tomcruise-ians.
Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol is now a spokesperson for abstinence.
I’m thinking that’s like Sarah Palin being a spokesperson for not shooting wolves from helicopters.
Sales of the book “Netherland” are way up since President Obama said he is reading it.
I believe the same thing happened when President Bush read “Green Eggs and Ham.”
Microsoft announced this week that it’s laying off 3,000 workers.
The way they did it was kind of harsh; they just dragged and dropped all those people into the trash.
Elizabeth Edwards said this week that she doesn’t know if her husband John is the father of the baby had by his lover.
She said she’ll need to see the kid’s head of hair to know for sure.
Celebrity birthdays: Sigmund Freud was born on yesterday’s date in 1856.
It was just the first of many things he blamed on his mother.
Happy birthday to the world’s oldest dog Chanel, a dachshund here in New York who turned 21 yesterday.
Chanel is so old she needs help with everything: eating, walking, sniffing other dogs’ butts…
A teenager in California sent more than 300,000 text messages in one month.
On the plus side, he was too busy texting to have sex with his teacher.
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May 6, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:20 am UTC
Yesterday President Obama and Vice President Biden made a surprise lunch visit to a burger place in Virginia.
It was a quick trip; they buzzed the place in Air Force One then stopped in for lunch.
Here in New York City the cost of a subway ride is going up to $2.25.
People are mad, but I don’t think about it as an expensive subway ride; I think of it as a really cheap freak show.
Dom DeLuise died yesterday at the age of 75.
In his honor, earlier today a moment of silence was observed by all of the Yankee Stadium hot dog vendors.
The Eiffel Tower opened on this date in 1889.
The Eiffel Tower is 120 years old, has had countless people on it, and every five years its exterior gets sandblasted and touched up – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Barbara Walters.
On this date in 1937 the Hindenburg went down.
It was the biggest bag of gas to go down in flames until Rush Limbaugh’s drug bust.
Scientists in Israel have identified the Negev Desert as the oldest, unchanged surface on the planet.
They say it essentially looks just like it did 1.8 million years ago – just like Joan Rivers.
Celebrity birthdays: happy birthday to singer Chris Brown who turned 20 yesterday.
His girlfriend Rihanna threw him a great party that he enjoyed – lucky for her.
Scientists have reconstructed the face of the earliest known modern European who lived more than 35,000 years ago.
They say it’s the oldest human face ever reconstructed, other than Cher’s.
Rush Limbaugh said this week that Sarah Palin is the “most prominent and articulate voice” for Republicans.
So, apparently, he’s apparently back on drugs.
Joe the Plumber said this week that he doesn’t allow openly gay people anywhere near his children.
He also said he’s changing his name to Joe the Homophobe.
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May 5, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:31 am UTC
Everybody has Cinco de Mayo fever!
Today the Octomom changed her name to the Ochomom.
Everybody has Cinco de Mayo fever!
Earlier today Amy Winehouse admitted she was addicted to salsa.
Everybody has Cinco de Mayo fever!
Earlier today Madonna adopted a kid from Mexico.
The swine flu had an effect on Cinco de Mayo celebrations here in New York City.
Earlier today I had a Purel margarita.
This week the U.S. military released letters written by Saddam Hussein was he was in prison in Iraq.
In the letters Saddam claimed he was treated harshly. He said the Americans beat him, kept him up all night and wouldn’t let him save 15% on his car insurance by switching to Geico.
This week the U.S. military released letters written by Saddam Hussein was he was in prison in Iraq.
In the letters Saddam claimed he was treated harshly. He said the Americans beat him, kept him up all night and, at one point, he was invited to go hunting with Dick Cheney.
Bad news: stabbings are way up here in New York City.
The good news is the switchblade industry is booming.
A Russian woman on a flight from LA to London was arrested after she drank liquid soap and took a swing at a flight attendant.
In response, earlier today the airline said they would stop offering liquid soap as a complimentary beverage.
I.B.M. has created a computer to compete against humans in “Jeopardy.”
They say the computer is faster and smarter than the average Jeopardy contestant, and gets more dates.
The federal government announced this week that they’re investigating John Edwards’ use of his campaign funds.
The investigators are really being thorough. Earlier today they grilled his hair stylist.
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May 4, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:29 am UTC
MONDAY: Congratulations to Mine That Bird, who won the Kentucky Derby yesterday.
It’s amazing: two days ago nobody had ever head of Mine That Bird then today he’s dating Madonna’s horse.
MONDAY: Bookies are claiming that, due to the bad economy, betting on the Kentucky Derby was down 5% from last year.
That’s what the bookies say – or, at least, that’s what my mom says.
MONDAY: X-Men Origins: Wolverine was the number one movie this weekend.
Everybody has X-Men fever; the number one movie down in Times Square is XXX-Men.
MONDAY: Happy Star Wars Day!
Everybody here in New York City is excited about Star Wars Day. This morning on the subway I was groped by a wookie.
MONDAY: It was 59 and dreary here in New York City today – just like Rosie O’Donnell.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Mike Wallace turns 91 today.
His fiends and family threw him a surprise birthday party. Actually, it wasn’t supposed to be a surprise, but when he walked into the room he said “Wait, why did I come in here?”
Good news: crime in New York City is way down.
Crime is so low here in New York City that earlier today President Obama fired the head of the Gambino family.
Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down from the court.
He says he wants to spend more time judging his own family.
Supreme Court Justice David Souter is stepping down from the court.
Here’s how powerful President Obama is these days: he’s considering replacing Judge Souter with Judge Judy.
In order to protect yourself from the swine flu, health officials are now recommending that everyone stay in their homes alone, wash their hands obsessively, and avoid contact with other people as much as possible.
I’m thinking, no problem, I do that anyways.
Everybody here in New York City is worried about the swine flu.
This morning during my cab ride to work I covered up my nose and mouth with a mask – but not because of the swine flu.
Everybody here in New York City is worried about the swine flu.
For example, I spent the whole weekend locked in my panic room.
Everybody here in New York City is excited about the hockey playoffs.
Earlier today I saw Rosie O’Donnell sporting her playoff beard.
Congratulations to Chelsea Clinton who’s getting married this summer.
Planning is already underway: Hillary is helping to pick out a wedding hall and a band and Bill is helping to pick out the bridesmaids.
The dad from Jon & Kate Plus 8 has been photographed out with another woman.
Apparently he was seen out on a date with the Octomom.
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