Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
April 30, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:35 am UTC
Last night President Obama gave a prime time press conference to celebrate his 100th day in office.
You could tell he was feeling cocky; halfway through the press conference he lit up a smoke.
Last night during his press conference President Obama said the swine flu is cause for concern but not panic.
He said the economy is the thing we should be panicked over.
Last night during his press conference President Obama demonstrated a few simple ways that people can help slow the spread of the swine flu.
For example, when he had to cough, he coughed into Joe Biden’s hand.
Sarah Palin officially started Twittering yesterday.
By this morning Twitter had dropped 10 points in the polls.
Sarah Palin officially started Twittering yesterday.
Sarah Palin knows all about social networking; she can see Facebook from her porch.
John Edwards’ wife Elizabeth said she threw up when she found out he had an affair.
I’ve had that effect on women too – but it’s usually because they’re having an affair with me.
On this date in 1789 George Washington was inaugurated as our first president.
George Washington was the father of our country, Martha Washington was the mother of our country and Bill Clinton was like our country’s creepy uncle.
On this date in 1789 George Washington was inaugurated as our first president.
Here’s how it worked: he came out and took the oath of office and gave his inaugural speech after the crowd was warmed up by Joan Rivers.
Celebrity birthdays: former Knicks coach Isiah Thomas turns 48 today.
He’s 48, which, coincidentally, was also the Knicks average points per game when he was coach.
Celebrity birthdays: the World Wide Web turns 16 today.
The Web celebrated with a big party thrown by the gambling and pornography industries
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April 29, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:30 am UTC
Today is President Obama’s 100th day in office.
Here’s how hard he’s working: this is the fastest any president has gotten his 100th day in office.
Earlier tonight President Obama celebrated his 100th day in office by holding a press conference.
It’s his 100th day in office and, coincidentally, I believe today is also Helen Thomas’ 100th birthday.
Everybody here in New York City is concerned about the swine flu.
Today the Statue of Liberty was wearing a mask.
Everybody here in New York City is concerned about the swine flu.
This morning I was riding the subway to work and there was a guy wearing a surgical mask – and nothing else.
Everybody here in New York City is concerned about the swine flu.
Over at Yankee Stadium these days the most popular hot dog condiment is hand sanitizer.
Everybody here in New York City is concerned about the swine flu.
Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were washing down the altar boys with Clorox wipes.
Pennsylvania Republican Senator Arlen Specter announced yesterday that he’s switching to the Democratic party.
I haven’t been this surprised to hear somebody switched teams since Ellen.
The Yankees announced yesterday that they’re cutting the price of their $2,500 seats by 50%.
Anybody who already paid $2,500 for a ticket can either get a $1,250 credit or 10 free hot dogs.
The Yankees announced yesterday that they’re cutting the price of their $2,500 seats by 50%.
Even with the price cut everything at the new Yankee Stadium is extremely expensive. I believe the cheapest thing at the new Yankee Stadium is Madonna.
Congratulations to Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick who are expecting twins via a surrogate mother.
They turned down an offer to have eight kids by the Octomom.
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April 28, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:28 am UTC
It was really hot here today in New York City.
It was so hot today that the Jets drafted Mr. Softee.
It was really hot here today in New York City.
It was so hot today that down on Wall Street bankers were fanning themselves with their bailout cash.
It was really hot here today in New York City.
It was so hot today that down on Wall Street the stockbrokers were jumping out of windows just to catch a breeze.
The U.S. government is urging travelers to avoid travel to Mexico because of the swine flu.
The good news is this should be a real boost for my mom’s bootleg prescription drug business.
Everybody is canceling their travel plans because of the swine flu.
Earlier today Madonna adopted a kid over the Internet.
The wedding of the guy accused of the Craigslist killings has been postponed.
This guy was due to be married in August, then he apparently killed somebody he met on the Internet and now the wedding is off. Why didn’t I think of that?
Celebrity birthdays: Saddam Hussein would have turned 72 today.
He celebrated quietly with his sons at the Hooters in hell.
Celebrity birthdays: Saddam Hussein would have turned 72 today.
He’s America’s most hated former world leader – after George Bush.
Celebrity birthdays: Saddam Hussein would have turned 72 today.
He’s America’s most hated former dictator – after Dick Cheney.
Down in Washington yesterday over 90 disabled people were arrested for chaining themselves to a fence outside the White House to demand alternatives to nursing home care.
Today Dick Cheney said this wouldn’t have happened if they hadn’t taken down the electric fence he put up.
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April 27, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:25 am UTC
MONDAY: We had record-breaking heat in New York City this weekend.
The hot weather came on so fast that I had to run up to the attic and dig out my summer hairpieces.
MONDAY: It was hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot this weekend that Somali pirates hijacked a Mr. Softee truck.
MONDAY: It was hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot this weekend that Navy SEALS took out Al Roker.
MONDAY: It was hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot today that Madonna came here to adopt a child.
MONDAY: The government says that, to be safe from the swine flu, be sure to avoid pork products.
So, the good news is, you can still have Yankee Stadium hot dogs.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the Empire State Building turns 78 today.
I believe the only New York City icon that’s that old and had as many people inside it as the Empire State Building is Barbara Walters.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Paul Teutul, Sr. turns 60 today.
You know the Teutuls? They’re America’s most famous dysfunctional family, after the Clintons.
Congratulations to former New York Senator Alfonse D’Amato, whose wife is expecting a baby.
He’s 71 years old so, apparently, his doctor does think that Viagra is right for him.
Congratulations to former New York Senator Alfonse D’Amato, whose wife is expecting a baby.
It took them a few tries to get pregnant; every time he’d come in the bedroom he’d say “Wait, why did I come in here?”
Everybody here in New York City is worried about the swine flu.
I’m worried about the swine flu. Earlier today I went down to Times Square and got a hand-sanitizer job.
Everybody here in New York City is worried about the swine flu.
Earlier today I saw a street vendor adding hand sanitizer to the hot dog water.
Everybody here in New York City is worried about the swine flu.
Earlier today I saw Donald Trump using that thing on his head as a mask.
They say now that Obama’s new dog Bo likes to chew on people’s feet when they come into the White House.
The Clintons had a similar problem when they were in the White House: Bill would to lock on to the legs of chubby interns.
Former vice president Dick Cheney’s daughter, Liz, has come out and defended her father’s decision to waterboard terror suspects.
She said, “What’s the big deal? When I was a kid we’d get waterboarded for forgetting to take out the trash.”
The National Security Agency is developing a top-secret, highly-secure BlackBerry for President Obama.
The NSA says his new BlackBerry will keep Obama secure from hackers, spies and telemarketers.
Last week in Beverly Hills Michael Jackson’s SUV was allegedly involved in a hit-and-run accident with an ambulance.
Witnesses say they’re pretty sure that the person in the SUV that hit the ambulance was either Michael Jackson or Betty White.
Regis Philbin will be hosting “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” again this summer.
The economy is so bad the first contestant is going to be Donald Trump.
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April 23, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:29 am UTC
Yesterday was Earth Day.
Today I did what I do every year after Earth Day: I got up early so I could hit the big day-after-Earth-Day sales.
Michael Jackson was in a car accident in Beverly Hills yesterday.
Medics on the scene said Michael wasn’t OK – but it had nothing to do with the accident.
Michael Jackson was in a car accident in Beverly Hills yesterday.
Medics on the scene said Michael was OK but, just to be safe, they kept him overnight for psychiatric evaluation.
The National Security Agency is developing a top-secret, highly-secure BlackBerry for President Obama.
They’ve done this before; back when George Bush was president they developed a top-secret, highly-secure CB radio.
Celebrity birthdays: Michael Moore turns 55 today.
His friends threw him a party and had a cake jump out of a cake.
Celebrity birthdays: Lee Majors turns 70 today.
You remember Lee Majors. He used to be the Six Million Dollar Man – until he met Bernie Madoff.
24 years ago today Coca Cola released New Coke.
It was the most embarrassing, disastrous decision by a major corporation until CBS hired me.
Regis Philbin is going to host 11 episodes of “Who Wants to Be a Millionaire” this summer.
Talk about a bailout plan.
Barack Obama is saying the government can save $52 million just by purchasing office supplies in bulk.
So, from now on, once a week, he’s sending Joe Biden on an Office Depot run.
President Obama will invite the Israeli, Palestinian and Egyptian leaders to the White House for separate talks on the Middle East peace process.
Obama figures if he can live in the White House with his mother-in-law, then anyone can get along.
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April 22, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:22 am UTC
Happy Earth Day!
Are you like me? I enjoyed Earth Day more when it was less commercial.
Everybody’s here in New York City is excited about Earth Day.
Today, for example, my hairpiece is made from 100% recycled milk bottles.
Everybody’s here in New York City is excited about Earth Day.
Earlier today, for example, I went down to Times Square and hired a recycled hooker.
Everybody’s here in New York City is excited about Earth Day.
Today at the Hello Deli they were offering half-off the recycled meat loaf.
Over in Iraq they’re turning Saddam Hussein’s old presidential palace into a hotel and his old bedroom into a honeymoon suite.
It’s a little pricey but the good news is if you can’t afford the honeymoon suite, for a lot less you can rent out his old spider hole.
Bill Clinton and George W. Bush are going to appear on stage together for a conversation in Toronto.
The conversation will be limited to two hours, will be moderated by a third party and the topics will be confined to domestic and foreign policy. They’re the same rules Bill and Hillary use.
Over in Gaza this week Hamas has opened their first bank.
The bank offers savings accounts, checking accounts and camel improvement loans.
President Obama is going to appear shirtless on the cover of the May issue of The Washingtonian magazine.
Not to be outdone, Joe Biden is going to appear on the cover of the June issue without his hair plugs.
A 7.03-carat blue diamond is expected to be sold at auction this week for $8.5 million.
Experts say it could go for even more if Kobe Bryant has an affair before the auction.
Scientists in England announced this week that fat people are a major cause of global warming.
They also found that fat people are a major cause of ice cream shortages at Dairy Queen.
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April 21, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:42 am UTC
The one surviving Somali pirate arrived in New York City today to be put on trial.
He’s got a big week coming up: today he arrived in town, tomorrow he gets arraigned and Friday he co-hosts the View.
Madonna is recovering well from being thrown from a horse over the weekend.
Earlier today she was right back it, mounting a Yankee.
Madonna was thrown from a horse this past weekend.
Doctors said she only suffered minor injuries but, just to be safe, they say it’ll be a couple of weeks before she can adopt again.
The Yankees are having trouble selling their high priced tickets behind home plate.
Here’s how desperate they are to sell those tickets: today they announced that anybody who buys a $2,500 ticket behind home plate gets a shot at Madonna.
The Yankees are having trouble selling their high priced tickets behind home plate.
Here’s how desperate they are to sell those tickets: today they announced that anybody who buys a $2,500 ticket behind home plate gets a free hot dog.
Yesterday in Switzerland dozens of people walked out of a speech by Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad in which called the Israeli government racist.
Did you see it? It was like watching a tape of me hosting the Oscars.
Congratulations to the New York Times for winning five Pulitzer Prizes yesterday, including one for breaking the Eliot Spitzer sex story.
Earlier today they sent Eliot Spitzer a thank you gift – I believe her name was Misty.
Celebrity birthdays: Queen Elizabeth turns 83 today.
She’s the oldest English queen. The second oldest English queen? Elton John.
17 Again is the number one movie this week.
It’s about a grown up man inside a young man’s body but don’t be confused: it’s not about Michael Jackson.
Miss North Carolina USA Kristen Dalton was crowned Miss USA 2009 on Sunday.
You can tell the economy is bad because during the question and answer portion, when she was asked how she would fix the economy, Timothy Geithner was there taking notes.
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April 20, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:35 am UTC
MONDAY: Earlier today down in Washington President Obama held his first cabinet meeting.
It all went smoothly, except for when Joe Biden screwed up Obama’s coffee order.
MONDAY: Earlier today down in Washington President Obama held his first cabinet meeting and ordered his department heads to cut $100 million from the budget.
The Secretary of Transportation suggested we could save at least the much by switching to Geico.
MONDAY: Madonna was thrown from a horse on Sunday.
She’s OK but, just to be safe, for the next six weeks she won’t mount a Yankee.
MONDAY: The Yankees lost to the Indians on Saturday 22-4.
Here’s how bad it was: half way through the game Madonna started hitting on the Indians.
MONDAY: The Yankees lost to the Indians on Saturday 22-4.
Nobody has scored on the Yankees like that since Madonna.
MONDAY: Congratulations to Kristen Dalton who was named Miss USA yesterday.
You can tell that the bad economy affected the pageant. For the talent portion of the competition, she repossessed a house.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Shirley MacLaine turns 75 today.
She had a great birthday. In fact, she said it was the best 75th birthday she’s ever had.
FRIDAY: Four years ago today Pope Benedict became the pope.
He celebrated quietly with a bunch of cardinals at the Vatican Hooters.
A woman was arrested last week for peeking into the windows of Britney Spears’ home.
Not only that, but they also charged her with kicking the tires.
A piece of English royal wedding cake from 1871 was auctioned off last week for $215.
It was a package deal: it came with an optional entrée of fish or chicken from 1871.
A piece of English royal wedding cake from 1871 was auctioned off last week for $215.
I would’ve bid on it but I figured if I wanted an ancient, inedible dessert cake I’ll just get a Twinkie.
Isaiah Thomas has been hired as the new basketball coach at Florida International University.
He said he would give back his first year’s salary. Earlier today the Knicks asked if he’d give back his last year’s salary as their head coach.
United Airlines announced this week that they’re going to start making passengers who can’t fit into one seat buy two tickets.
The good news for those passengers is they’ll get two bags of complimentary pretzels.
Elizabeth Hasselbeck was hit by a bike messenger here in New York City last week.
I had no idea Rosie O’Donnell was working as a bike messenger.
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April 16, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:17 am UTC
Earlier today they played the first game at the new Yankee Stadium.
Everything was freshly painted, shellacked and sanitized – and those were just the hot dogs.
President Obama arrived in Mexico today.
He’s the first U.S. president to visit there since Bill Clinton. Back when Bill arrived there the Mexican president presented him “la intern puerca.”
President Obama arrived in Mexico today.
It was a busy day; he fired the president of Corona.
Down at the White House security is tight around Bo, the Obama’s new dog.
Earlier today the Secret Service assigned two German Shepherds to guard him.
The Obamas released their 2008 tax return yesterday and we learned they made $2.7 million last year.
Meanwhile, John McCain and his wife released their taxes and we learned she claimed him as a dependent.
The Obamas released their 2008 tax return yesterday and they donated to 37 different charities last year.
President Obama has already been even more charitable in 2009, donating money to his church, AIG, GM…
New York has a new Archbishop – Timothy Dolan.
Yesterday he moved into the Archbishop’s residence and today he waited all day for the cable guy.
Hillary Clinton is auctioning off a day with Bill Clinton To pay off her campaign debt.
Here’s how it’ll work: the winning bidder and a date will get to spend a whole day with Bill and his date.
Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has agreed to star in an NBC reality show this summer.
So that means, at least for a few weeks this summer I won’t have the worst hair on TV.
Kentucky Fried Chicken announced this week that they’re going to start offering grilled chicken.
This will be a first for Kentucky Fried Chicken – actually offering chicken.
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April 15, 2009.
Web Posted at: 7:39 pm UTC
It’s tax day!
Every tax season I have the same problem: do I deduct my hairpiece as a business or medical expense?
I finished my taxes today and it was a good year for me.
I’m getting a nice bug refund from AIG.
Everybody’s got tax fever.
Earlier today the Octomom had six more deductions.
Today I saw a sure sign that it was tax day here in New York City.
Down in Times Square I saw a hooker hiring an accountant.
We’re learning more and more about the rescue of that ship captain from Somali pirates.
Today we found out that after the Navy SEALs shot the pirates, Captain Sulley Sullenberger landed his plane in the ocean and picked up the ship captain.
Phil Spector was convicted in Los Angeles on Monday of murder.
Legal experts say he made key mistake: he didn’t get a lawyer who could rhyme.
Earlier this week the White House announced that they were going to start easing trade restrictions with Cuba.
Experts say it should help revitalize the ravaged economy " and they think it should probably help Cuba too.
A guy in England who had his sperm frozen 22 years ago after he was diagnosed with leukemia just had his sperm thawed and had a baby with it.
Scientists say it’s the oldest sperm to ever father a child, other than Larry King’s.
Porn star Marilyn Chambers died this week at the age of 56.
In her honor, earlier today all male porn stars were at half-staff.
Madonna just bought a townhouse on the Upper East Side of New York City for $40 million.
She’s pretty excited about it; it comes with 14 bathrooms, 13 bedrooms and 10 orphans.
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April 14, 2009.
Web Posted at: 8:45 am UTC
This week the Obamas got a six month old puppy for their girls.
Officials say there hasn’t been someone this untrained in the Oval Office since George Bush.
This week the Obamas got a six month old puppy for their girls.
The bad news is the dog needs to be walked every day. The good news is Joe Biden finally has something to do.
Mel Gibson’s wife has filed for divorce.
I think we all know who he’s going to blame for this.
Phil Spector was convicted yesterday in Los Angeles of second degree murder for shooting a woman six years ago.
Let this be a lesson to all you celebrities in LA: if you’re looking to kill somebody, make sure you use a knife.
Here in New York this week they’re having the annual auto show.
The economy is so bad these days that the hottest car at this year’s auto show is a 92 Geo Metro.
Madonna bought a town on the Upper East Side for $40 million.
Here’s what she gets for $40 million: a nine fireplaces, 14 bathrooms and a master bedroom with an on-deck circle.
On this date in 1912 the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank.
I believe it was the biggest thing to go down until Bill met Monica.
Celebrity birthdays: Pete Rose turns 68 today.
He had a great birthday, especially since he bet the over at 67 and a half.
Celebrity birthdays: Pete Rose turns 68 today.
Pete’s so old now that earlier today he admitted to betting on his blood pressure.
Dave Arneson, one of the creators of Dungeons and Dragons, died last week at the age 61.
Appropriately, there were no women at his funeral.
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April 13, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:28 am UTC
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: I turned 62 yesterday.
My wife made me my favorite cake: chocolate with the Lipitor icing.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: I turned 62 yesterday.
My son Harry got me a lovely gift: a beautiful, gold embossed AARP card.
MONDAY: Earlier today down in Washington they had the annual White House Easter Egg hunt.
It’s the first time in eight years that the kids who found eggs at the Easter Egg hunt weren’t water boarded by Dick Cheney.
MONDAY: Earlier today down in Washington they had the annual White House Easter Egg hunt.
It was a big success; the kids found lots of eggs and lots of Obama’s old cigarette butts.
MONDAY: Yesterday news about the Obamas’ new dog was leaked.
Apparently the media picked up on it when they saw Joe Biden on the East Lawn picking up dog poop.
MONDAY: The Obamas have a new dog for their two girls, a 6-month-old Portuguese water dog named Bo.
The official announcement is tomorrow but the news leaked yesterday. There hasn’t been this much secrecy about a dog in the White House since Bill snuck Monica in.
MONDAY: The Obamas have a new dog for their two girls, a 6-month-old Portuguese water dog named Bo.
When the Obama girls want to take him for a walk they use one of Dick Cheney’s old torture leashes.
MONDAY: Yesterday off the coast of Somalia the US Navy killed the three pirates holding the captain of a cargo ship.
It was a bad day for pirates; they were also three hit by the Cincinnati Reds.
MONDAY: Last week President Obama became the first president to host a Passover Seder dinner at the White House.
Before that the closest a president ever came to hosting a Seder was when former President Bush choked on a piece of matzoh.
Hillary Clinton is auctioning off a day with Bill to pay off her campaign debt.
Here’s how it’ll work: if you’re the winner Bill will meet you at his office, take you to lunch and then he’ll give you a private tour of his pants.
Hillary Clinton is auctioning off a day with Bill to pay off her campaign debt.
She’s really getting desperate to pay off her debts. Earlier today I got a sweet deal on one of her old pants suits on eBay.
Here in New York this week they’re having the annual auto show.
The economy is so bad these days that earlier today half the cars in the auto show were repossessed.
Scientists in Ireland have developed a spray for men to make sex last six longer.
That’s great, but, honestly, I don’t think I want to pay for the extra 5 minutes of sex.
A court in Malawi has rejected Madonna’s request to adopt a little girl.
She says she hasn’t been rejected like that since A-Rod dumped her for his mirror.
Next month the Hollywood Wax Museum is going to auction off wax reproductions of 200 celebrities.
The Michael Jackson reproduction is waxy, pasty, and poorly carved – in other words it’s a perfect replica.
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich was indicted on nineteen federal corruption charges on Thursday.
He’s charged with conspiracy, fraud, and committing various crimes against his hair.
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April 2, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:19 am UTC
It was a beautiful spring day here in New York City.
It was so nice today that the Yankees were selling obstructed view seats in Central Park.
I’ve officially been married now for two weeks.
Today I was feeling the classic 14-day itch.
Angelina Jolie has offered to donate money to the Octomom.
She’s very generous. She also offered to steal a husband for her.
Earlier tonight on NBC they had the series finale of ER after 15 years.
Now that ER is off the air, I believe the longest running medical drama on TV is my show.
Bob Sheppard, the PA announcer at Yankee Stadium since 1951, has retired.
Now that Bob is gone, the part of Yankee Stadium that’s been around the longest are the hot dogs.
Bob Sheppard, the PA announcer at Yankee Stadium since 1951, has retired.
Bob is 98 years old and got his start as an intern for Larry King.
Yesterday the federal government raised the tax on a pack of cigarettes from 39 cents to $1.01.
The government is really going after smokers hard; earlier today they raised the tax on lung cancer.
CBS announced this week that the Guiding Light is going off the air after 72 years on radio and TV.
Once the Guiding Light is off the air I believe the longest running soap opera on TV will be The View.
This week in Moscow six volunteers were locked into capsule to study the effects of long duration space flight.
They’ll be locked in a long steel cylinder for 105 days, which will simulate a trip to Mars or an average JetBlue flight.
A company is now selling white-collar criminal trading cards featuring Bernie Madoff and Charles Ponzi.
On the back of Bernie Madoff’s card are instructions on how to swindle the cards from other people.
The U.S. is going to put video surveillance towers along the border with Canada.
Finally, we may have a solution to our big illegal Canadians problem.
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April 1, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
My son Harry played an April’s Day joke on my today.
He switched my Claritin with my Cialis.
Earlier today in London President Obama met with Queen Elizabeth.
It’s the first time he’s ever been in the presence of royalty – other than Oprah.
Earlier today in London President Obama met with Queen Elizabeth.
Things got off to an awkward start when, out of habit, he demanded she step down.
Today the federal tax on a pack of cigarettes goes from 39 cents to $1.01 per pack.
I haven’t smoked in years but this tax increase is going to affect me; now I’m going to have to double mom’s cigarette allowance.
Today the federal tax on a pack of cigarettes goes from 39 cents to $1.01 per pack.
Higher cigarette taxes are already causing some people to quit. Earlier today in Central Park I saw a squirrel putting a nicotine patch on his nuts.
Today the federal tax on a pack of cigarettes goes from 39 cents to $1.01 per pack.
Here’s how expensive cigarettes have gotten: I now pay more for an after sex smoke than I do for the sex.
Miss Universe Dayana Mendoza just returned from a visit to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba and said fun, relaxing and calm.
I’m thinking things just haven’t been the same since Dick Cheney left office.
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