Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
March 31, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:19 am UTC
President Obama arrived in London earlier today for the G20 summit.
Obama is already a big hit in London; unlike Bush at least he can speak the language.
President Obama arrived in London earlier today for the G20 summit.
The economy is so bad that he saved a few bucks by flying JetBlue One.
Celebrity birthdays: Al Gore turns 61 today.
I guess we know one cause of global warming: his birthday cake.
A JetBlue luggage handler fell asleep in a cargo bin in New York City and woke up in Boston.
He said the worst part was having to change cargo bins in Chicago.
One of the earliest known photographs of New York sold this week for $62,500.
It’s from 1848 and it’s a picture from Regis’s wedding.
Tomorrow the federal tax on a pack of cigarettes goes from 39 cents to $1.01 per pack.
All the smokers are getting ready; earlier today my mom loaded up on tax-free cigarettes at the local Indian reservation.
A British charity is asking Madonna to think twice before adopting another African child.
They’re also asking her to think twice before making another album.
Madonna is adopting another child from Malawi.
Apparently she got the idea when Angelina Jolie told her they were having a half-off sale.
Software pioneer Charles Simonyi traveled as a tourist to the Internationl Space Station this week.
The flight is costing him $35 million – plus $15 for each checked bag.
A Connecticut middle school has banned all physical contact between students.
The bad news is students can’t touch each other any more. The good news is they can still have sex with their teachers.
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March 30, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:26 am UTC
MONDAY: It was a windy, rainy day today here in New York City.
It was so wet today that President Obama demanded that Al Roker step down.
MONDAY: President Obama has asked GM CEO Rick Wagoner to step down and he agreed.
He negotiated a sweet severance package: he gets 6 months of pay, he gets to keep his stock options and he even got them to throw in free undercoating.
MONDAY: The Mets new stadium, Citi Field, opened yesterday, with a game between St. John’s and Georgetown.
I was going to go but then I figured if I’m going to go see a bunch of guys not ready for the major leagues then I’ll just wait and see the Mets.
MONDAY: President Obama is flying to London tomorrow on Air Force One for the G20 summit.
The economy is so bad that Air Force One is now charging for peanuts.
MONDAY: President Obama is flying to London tomorrow on Air Force One for the G20 summit.
The economy is so bad that Air Force One is now charging $15 for every checked bag.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the Queensboro Bridge here in New York turns 100 today.
I believe the only structure here in New York that’s had more people on it over the last 100 years is Barbara Walters.
MONDAY: Hillary Clinton was in Mexico last week meeting with President Felipe Calderon.
She’s the first Clinton to go to Mexico and meet with the Mexican president and the first one to come back from Mexico without an STD.
FRIDAY: Earlier tonight the Yankees played their first game at the new Yankee Stadium.
Right up until the first pitch workers were busy nailing, painting and shellacking – and that was just for the hot dogs.
FRIDAY: This weekend is Final Four weekend!
The bad economy has had an affect on the Final Four. Earlier today the NCAA said that they’re going to charge anybody who cuts down the nets.
As part of Bernie Madoff’s punishment his season tickets to the Mets are being sold off.
As another part of his punishment he has to keep his Knicks tickets.
Madonna has applied to adopt another child from Malawi.
Here’s how it works: she looked at all the ones available, picked out the one she wanted and then filled out the required paperwork. It’s the same way she got A-Rod.
Up in the Bronx they’re selling off what’s left of the old Yankee Stadium.
It’s a good sale; earlier today I got a great deal on a mirror with Alex Rodriguez’s lip prints.
Here in New York City they’re raising the subway fares from $2.00 to $2.50.
Even at $2.50 it’s still the cheapest peep show in town.
A guy in Michigan was recently sentenced to 90 days in jail for having sex with a car wash vacuum.
He said the worst part of getting caught was having to tell his home vacuum.
The Florida Marlins had a 105-year-old woman throw out the first pitch of a spring training game this week.
Earlier today she admitted that, from 2001-2003, Alex Rodriguez’s cousin injected her with Lipitor.
Intelligence officials here in the US have released satellite pictures of a launchpad from which North Korea is going to launch a rocket next month.
Officials said they couldn’t tell at first whether they were looking at a launch tower or Kim Jong Il’s hair.
Former Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich hosted a radio show in Chicago last week.
At one point he offered up a Senate seat to the eighth caller.
Google has developed a way for people to unsend embarrassing emails.
They’re hoping to someday apply the same technology to embarrassing wedding toasts.
A teenager in England painted a 60-foot penis on the roof of his parents’ house.
His mother said she had no idea what inspired him to do that but it sure wasn’t his dad.
One of Michael Jackson’s gloves is going to be auctioned off.
The glove is one of a kind, made of synthetic material and is white – just like Michael.
A Japanese company has created a line of underwear that’s odor-free and can be worn for a week.
The technology is so promising that earlier today Fruit of Loom asked for a bailout.
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March 24, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:42 am UTC
Congratulations to me, who got married last week to my long time girlfriend.
Here’s how I proposed: I got down on one knee, took her hand and asked her to sign a pre-nup.
Congratulations to me, who got married last week to my long time girlfriend.
After 23 years I knew it was time, before my 401K got any lower.
Congratulations to me, who got married last week to my long time girlfriend.
My girlfriend and I waited 23 years to get married because that’s how long it took to work out the pre-nup.
Congratulations to me, who got married last week to my long time girlfriend.
When my mom and I showed up at the wedding the guy at the door said, “Are you two the parents of the bride or groom?”
Congratulations to me, who got married last week to my long time girlfriend.
When I showed up at the wedding the guy at the door said, “And you must be the father of the bride.”
Congratulations to me, who got married last week to my long time girlfriend.
The wedding night was a big success – I didn’t have to be hospitalized.
Last week a Greek fisherman caught a 2,000 years old bronze statue in the Aegean Sea.
It’s the oldest thing pulled out of the sea other that didn’t land up at Red Lobster.
Over in China they’re developing a musical based on Das Kapital.
It’s not going well; so far nobody can think of anything that rhymes with “proletariat”.
The Octomom is refusing to identify the father of her children.
All she’ll say about him is he’s in his late thirties, he’s not American and he’s currently not returning her messages.
Microsoft has released Internet Explorer 8, which has a special porn mode.
Here’s how porn mode works: it makes it much easier to operate the browser one handed.
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March 23, 2009.
Web Posted at: 12:34 pm UTC
MONDAY; Spring started on Friday.
Today I saw a sure sign that it’s officially spring: that thing on Donald Trump’s head shed its winter coat.
MONDAY: On this date in 1857 the first elevator was installed here in New York City.
That first elevator needed one guy to operate it and another guy to play bad music.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: William Shatner turned 78 yesterday.
He’s getting so old that the only place he boldly goes anymore is to the bathroom in the middle of the night.
WEDNESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Elton John turns 62 today.
He had a celebration fit for a queen.
WEDNESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Nancy Pelosi turns 69 today.
She has the face of a much younger woman – literally.
The woman who provided hookers for Eliot Spitzer says that she used to date Alex Rodriguez.
A-Rod denied and says it was his cousin who injected her.
Last week at the White House Michelle Obama dug up a patch of the lawn to plant a vegetable garden.
It’s the first time anyone has dug up the White House lawn since Dick Cheney buried his last body.
Last week at the White House Michelle Obama dug up a patch of the lawn to plant a vegetable garden.
For fertilizer she’s using compost, crab meal and old Rush Limbaugh transcripts.
A New Jersey is selling Yankee Sod, the same sod used at the stadium.
They say Yankee Sod has always been chemical free – except for 2001-2003 when Alex Rodriguez’s cousin injected it with pesticide.
This year at Yankee Stadium they’ll be selling Yankee Grass Seed.
It’ll come with a certificate of authenticity, be available at all concession stands, and is made from a special blend of bluegrass – no, wait, those are the Yankee Stadium hot dogs.
California prison officials just released a new photograph of Charles Manson.
He’s 74 but, I swear, he doesn’t look a day over crazy.
Simon and Garfunkel have announced plans for a reunion tour this summer.
In order to go on tour Paul Simon had to cancel some solo performances and Art Garfunkel had to get somebody to cover for him at McDonalds.
A Swedish company has started selling tickets for a flight into space in 2011.
Tickets are $200,000 – or $200,001 if you want a pair of headphones.
A German food company has come out with frozen chicken dinner called Obama-Fingers.
They used to also sell a food named after our previous president: Bush-Jerky.
Last week in France today workers held a one-day strike to protest the way the government is handling the economic crisis.
Things got so out of hand that at one point the French government that, in order to get things under control, they had to call in the Germans.
A new audiotape from Osama bin Laden was released last week.
Experts say they know it’s recent because in it he calls for the overthrow of the new president of Somalia and he also complains about Facebook’s new layout.
Former President Bush gave his first speech since leaving office last week and received two standing ovations.
Each one came after he referred to himself as the former president.
Last week President Obama was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno.
It went so well that NBC gave him the 9:00 time slot.
President Obama said he would prefer to be a good president for four years rather than a mediocre one for eight.
Bear in mind he lives in the White House with his mother-in-law.
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March 17, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:19 am UTC
Everybody’s got St. Patrick’s Day fever.
Earlier today AIG awarded each of their executives a pot of gold.
Everybody’s got St. Patrick’s Day fever.
Earlier today Angelina Jolie adopted leprechaun.
Everybody’s got St. Patrick’s Day fever.
Earlier today Amy Winehouse admitted she was addicted to Lucky Charms.
It was a lovely day today here in New York City.
It was so nice today that AIG gave a big bonus to Al Roker.
A new study out says that if you have enjoyable sex you’ll live longer.
This is great because now it means when I have sex, I only have to pay the deductible.
A new study out says that if you have enjoyable sex you’ll live longer.
Based on these findings it’s amazing that I’m still alive.
A new study out says that if you have enjoyable sex you’ll live longer.
Which obviously explains why Larry King is still alive.
The UN now estimates that world population will be over 9 billion people by 2050, up from 6.8 billion now.
Thanks Octomom.
In London today Amy Winehouse pleaded not guilty to assaulting a fan.
No word yet on how her hair will plead.
Engineers in Germany have developed a way to turn raw sewage into charcoal.
Experts say this could eventually provide a green solution to all of the world’s tailgating needs.
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March 16, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:31 am UTC
MONDAY: Here in New York City everybody is excited about St. Patrick’s Day tomorrow.
Over at the Hello Deli they’ll be offering their annual St. Patrick’s Day special – half off the green meatloaf.
MONDAY: Here in New York City the bad economy is going to affect the St. Patrick’s Day parade tomorrow.
In order to save money instead of hiring an actor, Mayor Bloomberg is going to wear a leprechaun outfit.
MONDAY: Bernie Madoff spent his first weekend in jail.
He’s already making himself useful: earlier today he volunteered to teach the regular criminals all about white collar crime.
MONDAY: Bernie Madoff spent his first weekend in jail in solitary confinement.
He’s having a hard time in solitary. Earlier today his guards caught him swindling himself.
MONDAY: Bernie Madoff spent his first weekend in jail in solitary confinement.
He’s alone 23 hours a day, only showers twice a week and has no visitors – it’s like I have a twin.
MONDAY: Over the weekend here in New York City the police gave out 9,000 tickets to people using handheld cell phones while they were driving.
That’s why I always pay extra for the Bluetooth hooker.
MONDAY: Over the weekend here in New York City the police gave out 9,000 tickets to people using handheld cell phones while they were driving.
The crackdown has affected everyone. Earlier today my cab driver was using a Bluetooth turban.
WEDNESDAY: Happy birthday to C-SPAN, which turns 30 tomorrow.
My show actually has a lot in common with C-SPAN: we’ve both been on for 30 years, we’ve both interviewed thousands of guests and neither of us makes anybody laugh.
There’s a new audiotape out from Osama bin Laden.
Experts say it’s recent because at the end of the tape he gives his Final Four picks.
I never watch the NCAA basketball tournament.
I figure if I want to watch guys who aren’t ready for the pros play basketball I’ll just go watch the Knicks.
Everybody here in New York City has March Madness.
Earlier tonight the Knicks lost to Alabama State.
The NCAA tournament begins Tuesday with a play-in game between the number 64 and 65 best teams in the country.
It features Alabama State vs the Knicks.
New York area teams are well represented in the NCAA tournament.
Connecticut is a 1 seed, Syracuse is a 3 seed and, I believe, the Knicks are a 16 seed.
North Korean has opened its first Italian restaurant.
Experts say they could soon be capable of making cannolis of mass destruction.
North Korean has opened its first Italian restaurant.
They’re saying that they only plan to use their knowledge of making raviolis for peaceful purposes.
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March 12, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:24 am UTC
Bernie Madoff is looking at 150 years in a maximum-security prison.
When he heard he was going to maximum security Madoff asked his lawyer “Does that mean there are no valets?”
Even though he’s going to jail Bernie Madoff is still ripping people off.
During his hearing today he swindled the paintbrush from the courtroom sketch artist.
Earlier today in the Bernie Madoff trial a bunch of his victims got to address him in court.
It was crazy; 25 people yelling and screaming for an hour. It was just like The View.
Bernie Madoff is spending his first night in jail tonight.
Right about now he’s figuring out that the other guy in his cell isn’t a valet.
Bernie Madoff is spending his first night in jail tonight.
He’s only been in jail for a few hours and he’s already swindled his cellmate out of his cigarettes.
Forbes magazine says that billionaires in the world have lost half their wealth in the last year.
Here’s how bad it is for billionaires: earlier today I saw a guy on a street corner with a sign that said “Will be rich for food.”
Over in Iraq that guy who threw his shoes at President Bush has been given three years in prison.
When he heard the news he threw his shoes at his lawyer.
One year ago today Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned as Governor of New York.
He celebrated by hiring a woman to blow out his candle.
Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have split up.
Apparently they had irreconcilable differences: she wanted to get married and he didn’t.
Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have split up.
Sarah Palin is taking it hard. Earlier today she was hunting Levi from a helicopter.
Bristol Palin and her fiancé Levi Johnston have split up.
Apparently what happened was Sarah Palin let her gun down for a minute and he was able to run away.
Sesame Street has laid off 20 percent of its work force.
It’s the worst news for Bert and Ernie since California banned gay marriage.
Sesame Street has laid off 20 percent of its work force.
Here’s how bad it is for the Sesame Street folks: earlier today Oscar the grouch was evicted from his garbage can.
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March 11, 2009.
Web Posted at: 1:02 pm UTC
Bernie Madoff is going to plead guilty tomorrow to 11 counts of fraud.
He could get 150 years in prison, but with good behavior he could be out in only 100 years.
It was a rainy day here today in New York City.
It was so rainy today that thing on Donald Trump’s head stood up and shook itself off.
It was a rainy day here today in New York City.
It was so rainy today that Capt. Sully Sullenberger ditched on to a runway.
It was 57 and dreary today in New York City – just like Timothy Geithner.
They say now that Jessica Simpson has lost a bunch of weight.
Friends say she hasn’t dropped that much dead weight since she dumped Nick Lachey.
They say now that Jessica Simpson has lost a bunch of weight.
It must be true because earlier today Nabisco stock was down 25%.
President Obama has lifted the federal ban on stem cell research.
He’s been busy overturning a bunch of George Bush’s policies. Earlier today he once again made it illegal for the vice president to shoot somebody.
President Obama has lifted the federal ban on stem cell research.
He’s been busy overturning a bunch of George Bush’s policies. Earlier today he also lifted the ban on saying “nuclear”.
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March 10, 2009.
Web Posted at: 7:36 am UTC
Yesterday Alex Rodriguez had surgery on his hip and is expected to miss six to nine weeks.
Assuming everything goes well he’ll be out for all of April, then he’ll be back in May, and then he’ll be missing in October.
There’s a new study out that finds that Americans are less religious than ever before.
Here’s how desperate the Catholic Church is to win back members: earlier today they eliminated three commandments.
There’s a new study out that finds that Americans are less religious than ever before.
Here’s how bad it is for religion these days: today the Catholic Church’s stock was down another 10%.
There’s a new study out that finds that Americans are less religious than ever before.
Here’s how bad it is for religion these days: earlier today down in Washington the pope was asking Congress for bailout money.
President Obama says he would be willing to talk to the Taliban.
He’s willing to sit down with some of the more radical groups around, like the Taliban, the Iranians and even the Republicans.
President Obama says he would be willing to talk to the Taliban.
He’d be the first president to hold talks with such a hostile adversary since Bill admitted the Monica thing to Hillary.
Celebrity birthdays: Osama bin Laden turns 52 today.
You can tell he’s getting older; earlier today he declared jihad against prescription drug companies.
Celebrity birthdays: Osama bin Laden turns 52 today.
I thought this was nice: his family got him a mug that says “World’s Greatest Terror Leader”.
Celebrity birthdays: Osama bin Laden turns 52 today.
He celebrated quietly with a few families and friends at a TGI Friday’s in the mountainous region of Afghanistan.
On this date in 1977 astronomers first discovered rings around Uranus.
It was an important event for astronomers and an even more important event for comedians.
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March 9, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:27 am UTC
MONDAY: It was warm and spring-like yesterday here in New York City.
It was so nice yesterday that people didn’t mind losing their homes.
MONDAY: It was warm and spring-like yesterday here in New York City.
It was so nice yesterday that over at Grant’s Tomb they opened all the windows.
MONDAY: Yesterday was the start of Daylight Savings time.
I forgot to turn my clock ahead before I went to sleep Saturday night so I work up late yesterday and missed my Scientology meeting.
MONDAY: Yesterday was the start of Daylight Savings time.
I forgot to remind my mom to turn her clocks ahead Saturady night so yesterday she missed her AA meeting.
MONDAY: Alex Rodriguez has to undergo hip surgery and will be out of the lineup until May.
His doctors say that assuming the surgery goes well there’s not reason he shouldn’t be able under perform in October.
MONDAY: Alex Rodriguez has to undergo hip surgery and will be out of the lineup until May.
Earlier today he was put on the physically unable to perform list by Madonna.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Barbie turns 50 today.
Barbie is 50, blonde and made mostly of plastic – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Pam Anderson.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Barbie turns 50 today.
Barbie is America’s most famous middle aged, man-made female celebrity, other than Cher.
MONDAY: On yesterday’s date in 1817 the New York Stock Exchange was founded.
In honor of the event today the stock market was down to 1817.
FRIDAY: Happy Friday the 13th!
Earlier today a black cat crossed my path – and then it jumped back on Donald Trump’s head.
Congratulations to Kim Jong Il, who was unanimously reelected to the North Korea parliament this week.
I don’t want to say the election was rigged, but apparently there were voting irregularities in the region run by his brother Jeb Jong Il.
Michael Jackson is going to performing in London this summer.
It’s the first time his face will be on stage in years. Well, at least, his current face.
Michael Jackson is going to performing in London this summer.
Even Michael is having a hard time in this economy. Earlier today he had to lay off three llamas.
This month’s Oprah magazine has First Lady Michelle Obama on the cover with Oprah.
It’s an amazing picture: the most famous and powerful woman in the free world standing next to Michelle Obama.
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This month’s Oprah magazine has First Lady Michelle Obama on the cover with Oprah.
It’s the first time Oprah has had another person on the cover. However, it’s not the first time they’ve had to use a wide-angle lens.
The government announced last week that unemployment is at a 25 year high
Here’s how bad things have gotten: earlier today down in Times Square they laid off 10% of the hookers.
This week in Alaska they’re having the Iditarod Sled Dog race.
I’m not a fan of sled dog races. I figure if want to want watch a team of dogs run around for no reason then I’ll just go watch the Knicks.
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March 5, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:23 am UTC
They’re saying now that President Obama already has a lot more gray hairs since he became president.
Former President Bill Clinton called Obama and told him not to worry because it’s a normal part of the job and that it’s great for picking up interns.
They’re saying now that President Obama already has a lot more gray hairs since he became president.
Apparently Joe Biden has had the same problem since he became vice president, but he can just have the plugs replaced.
Alex Rodriguez injured his hip earlier this week.
Coincidentally, earlier today Madonna fell and broke her hip.
President Obama has nominated Craig Fugate to be the new director of FEMA.
Once he’s confirmed he’ll immediately be deployed to Wall Street.
President Obama has nominated Craig Fugate to be the new director of FEMA.
This guy seems perfect for FEMA; he already said it’ll take him a few weeks to get to Washington.
Good news: the Department of Health says that we New Yorkers are healthier than ever.
It must be true because it’s been months since I’ve seen a cab driver sneeze into his turban.
Good news: the number of homeless people here in New York City is down 30 percent from last year.
The bad news everybody’s windshields are now a lot dirtier.
Scientists in California have figured out that the smell of rotten eggs can have the same effect on men as Viagra.
That explains why I get aroused every time I walk into the Hello Deli.
Scientists in Kansas have found the oldest fossilized brain ever found, a 300 million-year-old fossilized fish brain.
Apparently it was found in a Kansas Red Lobster.
Scientists in Kansas have found the oldest fossilized brain ever found, a 300 million-year-old fossilized fish brain.
They say it’s the oldest known brain ever found. Now the oldest known human brain still belongs to Mike Wallace.
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March 4, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:33 am UTC
Earlier today Hillary Clinton was in the West Bank meeting with Palestinian leaders.
She said she’s against Israel wrecking homes – it’s the same thing she said to Monica.
Earlier today Hillary Clinton was in the West Bank meeting with Palestinian leaders.
She said she hasn’t been in a war zone like that since she and Bill were last together.
Alex Rodriguez hurt his hip yesterday getting ready for the World Baseball Classic.
It looks like he may be out for a while so the Dominican Republic is holding try outs for a replacement – and so is Madonna.
Alex Rodriguez hurt his hip yesterday getting ready for the World Baseball Classic.
Earlier today he went to Colorado to see a hip specialist and after that he’ll get a second opinion from his cousin.
Last night in New Orleans Britney Spears kicked off her comeback tour.
She’s bringing her kids along with her on tour; in fact they’re driving the tour bus.
Britney Spears kicked off her comeback tour last night and Michael Jackson is going to announce that he’s going to perform again this summer.
So it’s going to be a big summer for washed up white female singers.
Britney Spears kicked off her comeback tour last night and Michael Jackson is going to announce his comeback tour later this week.
Michael and Britney actually have a lot in common: both were at the top of the music business, both took time off to raise families and both are white women.
Michael Jackson has received a clean bill of health from his doctor and is OK to tour again.
So Michael is OK to tour again but the doctor who says he’s healthy has been suspended.
Down in Florida a woman called 911 when McDonald’s ran out of Chicken McNuggets.
That’s crazy. Usually you call 911 after you’ve eaten Chicken McNuggets.
Up in Massachusetts recently a guy went into Wal-Mart bought a wallet and inside the wallet were human teeth.
Here’s what the guy did: he took the wallet back to Wal-Mart and returned the teeth to greeter at the door.
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March 3, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:35 am UTC
It was freezing cold today here in New York City.
The high today was 24 and the low 13 – no, wait, I’m sorry, that was the stock market.
It was freezing cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that on Wall Street they declared it a polar bear market.
John McCain’s daughter says now that she’s been having trouble dating ever since her dad ran for president.
Coincidentally Bill Clinton’s been saying the same thing about Hillary.
Over in Iraq yesterday Chemical Ali received his third death sentence.
He’s got a good lawyer, thought; the guy negotiated it down from five deaths sentences.
Yesterday the stock market closed at its lowest level since 1997.
The last time the stock market was this low Bill and Hillary were still sleeping in the same bed.
Former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich has a new book deal.
He says the book is going to be about his life in politics and will be outrageous, crazy, and over the top – just like his hair.
They’re saying now the poor economy is actually good news for vermin because people can’t afford exterminators.
Apparently the only vermin not doing well in this economy is Bernie Madoff.
Snoop Dogg announced this week that he’s converted to Islam.
He said he will now be known as Malcolm F’shizzle.
Snoop Dogg announced this week that he’s converted to Islam.
He says that five times a day he prays and reads the K’shizzle.
Earlier tonight in New Orleans Britney Spears kicked off her new tour.
I don’t want to say it was a disaster but FEMA has been ordered back to the region.
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March 2, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:42 am UTC
MONDAY: We had a big winter storm here today in New York City.
It was so bad today that Al Roker blamed the weather on Alex Rodriguez’s cousin.
MONDAY: We had a big winter storm here today in New York City.
It was so bad today that that thing on Donald Trump’s head was wearing a coat.
MONDAY: We had a winter storm here today in New York City.
There was so much snow today that I had to call AAA to tow my hooker.
MONDAY: We had a winter storm here today in New York City.
There was so much snow today that over in Central Park I saw a squirrel plowing his nuts.
MONDAY: We had a winter storm here today in New York City.
There was so much snow today that the Statue of Liberty was wearing snow pants.
MONDAY: Down in Times Square the hookers are offering a snowstorm special.
For $50 they’ll snowblow you.
MONDAY: The New England Patriots have traded Matt Cassel to the Kansas City Chiefs.
Here’s the deal: Matt Cassel goes to Kansas City for a second round draft pick and a supermodel to be named later.
MONDAY: Last week President Obama gave his State of the Nation address to Congress.
It was a big success; he had to stop 10 times for standing ovations and 4 times for smoke breaks.
MONDAY: Last week President Obama gave his State of the Nation address to Congress.
Just to be safe, one member of Obama’s cabinet wasn’t there in case of emergency – Oprah.
MONDAY: Last week President Obama gave his State of the Nation address to Congress.
In the speech President Obama blamed the economic crisis on Alex Rodriguez’s cousin.
MONDAY: Last week President Obama gave his State of the Nation address to Congress.
The speech was a big success but there was one uncomfortable moment when Hillary Clinton and Joe Biden both showed up wearing the same pants suit.
FRIDAY: Don’t forget to turn your clocks an hour this Sunday night.
Every year when Daylight Savings Time begins I have to call mom and remind her to move her clock ahead an hour so she doesn’t miss Leno.
FRIDAY: This Sunday night Daylight Savings Time begins.
So this weekend we’ll the turn the clocks ahead and then we’ll turn the clocks back again when the Republicans come back into power.
Hillary Clinton is in the Middle East this week.
So far President Obama has sent Hillary on long trips to Asia and the Middle East; if I didn’t know better I’d think he was the one married to Hillary.
Hillary Clinton is in the Middle East this week.
So far President Obama has sent Hillary on long trips to Asia and the Middle East; earlier today Bill Clinton said, “I should have thought of that!”
Congratulations to New England Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady who got married to Gisele Bundchen last week.
Apparently the wedding night went smoothly but, just in case, Matt Cassel warming up on the sidelines.
Earlier this week China successfully landed it’s first probe on the moon.
Now I’m thinking how come the Chinese can land a probe on the moon but won’t deliver to my house in Connecticut?
Last week President Obama announced that by the end of 2011 he would withdraw all troops from Iraq.
Meanwhile, earlier today John McCain announced that by the end of 2011 he would withdraw all his money from his Christmas account.
Last week President Obama announced that in 2010 all combat operations in Iraq would end.
Meanwhile, earlier today John McCain announced that in 2010 he would quit bitching about the costs of prescription drugs.
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