Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
February 19, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:49 am UTC
Hillary Clinton is in South Korea as part of her Asia trip.
South Korea is still at war with North Korea and they’re separated by a demilitarized zone – it’s just like Hillary and Bill.
Hillary Clinton is in South Korea as part of her Asia trip.
Earlier today she called on North Korea to control their missiles – it’s the same thing she said to Bill before she left.
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
The big trend at Fashion Week is that 80′s clothes are back – I knew if I waited long enough my wardrobe would be back!
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
They’re saying at Fashion Week that everything from the 80′s is cool again – so that’s good news for my material.
Yesterday they tore down the last part of the old Shea Stadium.
So now it’s a 45 year-old pile of rubble – just like Amy Winehouse.
They’re saying now that the octuplet mom and her 14 kids may lose their house.
The good news is, if that happens, Angelina Jolie has volunteered to adopt all the kids
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February 18, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:18 am UTC
Hillary Clinton was in Indonesia today, where she got a hostile reception from some Muslim groups.
She’s used to hostile receptions; she gets one every time she comes home to Bill.
Alex Rodriguez said yesterday that the first time he tried steroids was with his cousin when he was 25 and that he had no idea what he was doing.
It just like the first time I kissed a girl.
Alex Rodriguez said yesterday that his cousin used to inject him with steroids.
The only thing my cousin ever stuck me with was a pencil.
Yesterday President Obama said he would send 17,000 more troops to Afghanistan to try and bring peace to the situation.
He said if it works there he’ll try the same thing with The View.
Out in California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger is laying off 10,000 state workers because the state is out of money.
Here’s how serious it is: one of the people he laid off is the guy who oils down his pecs.
The state of California is out of money.
Here’s how bad things are in California; earlier today Arnold Schwarzenegger laid off 10,000 state workers and Paris Hilton laid off two teacup Chihuahuas.
On this date in 1929 they had the first Academy Awards show.
A lot has changed since then; the only part of the show that’s the same today is Joan Rivers on the red carpet.
Michael Jackson is going to auction off more than 2,000 personal items in April.
It’s a pretty good sale; I’ve got my eyes on a used chimp.
Michael Jackson is going to auction off more than 2,000 personal items in April.
It’s a pretty good sale; he’s offering buy-one-get-one-free on his old noses.
Yesterday the GM and Chrysler asked the government for another $21 billion in bailout money.
Don’t worry though: in return they’re promising to throw in free undercoating.
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February 17, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:33 am UTC
Earlier today Muslim women in Indonesia were protesting Hillary Clinton’s visit this week.
I haven’t seen anyone this unhappy to see Hillary since – Bill.
Earlier today down in Florida Alex Rodriguez met with the media for the first time since he admitted taking steroids.
You could tell he was uncomfortable, it was awkward and he just wanted it to be over with quickly – it’s just like when he’s with Madonna.
Earlier today down in Florida Alex Rodriguez met with the media for the first time since he admitted taking steroids.
He was surrounded by a bunch of his teammates showing silent support. I haven’t seen that many Yankees standing around doing nothing since their last playoff appearance.
Celebrity birthdays: Paris Hilton turns 28 today.
She celebrated by having a really great time with her boyfriend – at least that’s what it looked like on the video.
Everybody here in New York City is excited about Fashion Week.
Earlier today Donald Trump was wearing a thing on his head by Armani.
The bad economy is having an affect on Fashion Week.
Things are so bad the supermodels have cut back to regurgitating only two meals a day.
Donald Trump’s casino company filed for bankruptcy earlier today.
The bad economy is really hitting Donald hard. Earlier today they also repossessed that thing on his head.
Historians this week ranked all 42 former presidents and picked Abraham Lincoln as the best president of all time.
George W. Bush was ranked 36th, ahead of Warren Harding but behind Al Gore.
Mike Tyson announced this week that he’s going to write a book.
He’s already had his six figure advance swindled by Don King.
Mike Tyson announced this week that he’s going to write a book.
Which makes sense because, really, when you think of Mike Tyson you think “author.”
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February 16, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:26 am UTC
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York has President’s Day fever.
Earlier today Bernie Madoff swindled a guy out of his stovepipe hat.
MONDAY: We had the big Letterman family President’s Day party at my house today.
In honor of President’s Day mom’s blood alcohol level was point four score and seven.
MONDAY: Hillary Clinton arrived in Japan earlier today as part of her first trip as Secretary of State.
When she arrived she donned a traditional pants-kimono.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il turns 67 today.
He’s a 67 year-old recluse with bad hair who insists on being addressed at the Dear Leader. It’s like I have a twin.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il turns 67 today.
Earlier today North Korea admitted that they now have the ability to produce cake.
FRIDAY: Tonight over on NBC Conan O’Brien is hosting Late Night for the last time.
In March Jimmy Fallon takes over as host. Did they even look at my audition tape?
FRIDAY: Tonight over on NBC Conan O’Brien is hosting Late Night for the last time.
Conan and I really have a lot in common: we both spent more than a decade at 12:30 and we’re both still trailing Leno.
FRIDAY: The Oscars are coming up this Sunday.
Outside the Kodak Theater workers today were busy reinforcing the red carpet for Jessica Simpson.
FRIDAY: The Oscars are coming up this Sunday.
I’ll be watching them like I normally do – alone in a darkened room with my teacup Chihuahuas.
You can tell it’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
Earlier today the Statue of Liberty was wearing Vera Wang.
In honor of Fashion Week, tonight I’m wearing an all designer outfit.
That’s right, I’ve got the designer suit, the designer shoes and the designer hairpiece.
The down economy is really affecting Fashion Week.
Earlier today I saw a supermodel holding a sign saying “Will Not Eat Food For Food.”
Hillary Clinton is in Asia this week on her first trip as Secretary of State.
She’s introducing a whole new foreign policy: pantsuit diplomacy.
This week for the first time since she became Secretary of State Hillary Clinton is abroad.
Also this week for the first time since Hillary Clinton became Secretary of State former President Bill Clinton will pick up a broad.
President Obama is considering purchasing a whole new fleet of presidential helicopters.
Meanwhile, John McCain is considering purchasing a new Buick.
Here in New York City Gov. Paterson has proposed a tax on downloading Internet porn.
I’m thinking if I’m going to pay tax to look at a naked woman then I might as well just pay to have sex too.
GQ magazine named Justin Timberlake the Most Stylish Man in America.
I was a little lower down this list between Joaquin Phoenix and Ellen.
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February 12, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:25 am UTC
It was warm and windy today here in New York City.
It was 54 and blustery – just like Rosie O’Donnell.
It was really windy here today in New York City.
It was so windy that as I was walking to work this morning three times I had to jump in a cab and yell, “Follow that hairpiece!”
Celebrity birthdays: Abraham Lincoln was born 200 years ago today.
Everybody has Lincoln fever; earlier today Amy Winehouse had stovepipe hair.
Celebrity birthdays: Abraham Lincoln was born 200 years ago today.
The birthday celebrations got a little out of control and earlier tonight down in Washington the police had to come bust up the party at the Lincoln Memorial.
Celebrity birthdays: Abraham Lincoln was born 200 years ago today.
It’s a big day for celebrity birthdays; also turning 200 today: Charles Darwin and Larry King.
Down in Washington D.C. the House and Senate have finally agreed on a stimulus package.
In order to celebrate the hookers down in Times Square are offering a special: for $50 they’ll stimulate your package.
Barack Obama has officially been president now for 24 days.
He’s spent 24 days in the Oval Office, which I believe is already more than President Bush spent in eight years.
Everybody’s excited about Valentine’s Day coming up on Saturday.
Earlier today Alex Rodriguez tested positive for chocolate.
Jets quarterback Brett Favre announced yesterday that he’s retiring.
He’s the biggest disappointment to come to New York from the Midwest since – me.
Jets quarterback Brett Favre announced yesterday that he’s retiring.
He said this time he’s definitely done for sure, no doubt about it, he’s not coming back again – probably.
Jets quarterback Brett Favre announced yesterday that he’s retiring.
He said this time he’s definitely done for sure, no doubt about it, he’s not coming back again and that he should be ready to go for training camp.
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February 11, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:15 am UTC
It was an unusually warm day here today in New York City.
It was so unusually warm today that Al Roker admitted to using performance enhancing drugs.
It was an unusually warm day here today in New York City.
It was so warm today that Mayor Bloomberg gave a key to the city to Al Roker.
Congratulations to Stump the Sussex spaniel who was named best in show at the Westminster Dog Show last night.
It was a big night for Stump at Madison Square Garden last night; he won best of show and dropped 62 on the Knicks.
Congratulations to Stump the Sussex spaniel who was named best in show at the Westminster Dog Show last night.
Here’s what he won: the title of Best in Show and a date with Giselle Bundchen’s dog.
Stump the Sussex spaniel is the oldest dog ever to win best in show at the Westminster.
He’s 10 years old which in dog years would make him Larry King.
50 million people watched President Obama’s first prime time press conference on Monday night.
He pulled such a big rating that earlier today NBC gave him the 10:00 slot.
Celebrity birthday: Happy birthday today to Sarah Palin.
I don’t want to say how old she is, but let’s just she can see 50 from her house.
Celebrity birthdays: Sarah Palin turns 45 today.
She celebrated by shooting a birthday cake.
Celebrity birthdays: Sarah Palin turns 45 today.
Her family threw her a surprise party and she was so surprised she accidentally shot three people.
Celebrity birthdays: Jeb Bush turns 56 today.
He turns 56 but he rigged so his cake would only have 45 candles.
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February 10, 2009.
Web Posted at: 12:34 pm UTC
Last night President Obama gave his first time press conference.
You could tell he was a little nervous; he stopped three times to smoke.
Last night President Obama gave his first time press conference.
He really laid it on the line. Halfway through the press conference he admitted tt using steroids in the past.
Last night President Obama gave his first time press conference.
Obama’s press conference looked a lot like a George Bush press conference, but without the spittoon.
Last night President Obama gave his first time press conference.
Obama’s press conference looked a lot like a George Bush press conference, but everybody keeps their shoes on.
Did you see Helen Thomas at President Obama’s press conference last night?
She looked old, she looked confused, she looked disoriented – no, wait, I’m sorry, that was Whitney Houston at the Grammys.
You can tell it’s the flu season here in New York City.
Earlier today Alex Rodriguez admitted to getting a flu shot.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual cold and flu special.
For $50 they’ll blow your nose.
Yesterday Alex Rodriguez admitted to taking steroids.
He said taking steroids was a mistake, it was stupid and he should have known better – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s what he said about dating Madonna.
This week over at Madison Square Garden they’re having the Westminster Dog Show.
Everybody has dog show fever. Earlier today Alex Rodriguez tested positive for kibble.
This week over at Madison Square Garden they’re having the Westminster Dog Show.
I’m rooting for the hounds – that’s who I have in my fantasy league.
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February 9, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
MONDAY: We found out over the weekend that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003.
More bad news for A-Rod: earlier today he tested positive for performance enhancing drugs at Madonna’s.
MONDAY: We found out over the weekend that Alex Rodriguez tested positive for steroids in 2003.
Apparently he tested positive for testosterone and Primobolan – no, wait, I’m sorry, that what they found in the Yankee Stadium hot dogs.
MONDAY: Last night here on CBS they had the Grammy Awards.
The biggest winners last night were Robert Plant and Alison Krauss who won 5 Grammys; the biggest non-winner was Jessica Simpson.
MONDAY: Congratulations to Robert Plant and Alison Krauss who won 5 Grammys last night.
It’s the most successful pairing of an old guy and a young woman since McCain-Palin.
MONDAY: This week over at Madison Square Garden they’re having the Westminster Dog Show.
Here’s the deal on the Westminster Dog Show: 2,500 dogs, 170 breeds and only 15 fire hydrants.
MONDAY: This week over at Madison Square Garden they’re having the Westminster Dog Show.
Odds makers say the dog most likely to win best of show is either a Brussels griffon or that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
MONDAY: A lot of celebrities are attending the Westminster Dog show with their dogs.
Earlier today Christian Bale’s dog went nuts.
MONDAY Today I saw a sure sign that the dog show is in town.
Down in Times Square I saw a German Shepard pick up a French poodle.
MONDAY: We had a lovely warm, spring-like day here today in New York City.
It was so nice Angelina Jolie adopted Al Roker.
MONDAY: We had a lovely warm, spring-like day here today in New York City.
With all the snow and ice melting it was the biggest thaw in New York City since Oprah and I made up.
MONDAY: We just had the big Comic Con convention here in New York City this weekend.
For three days the city was filled with freaks, weirdoes and really strange creepy people – and then there were the people here for Comic Con.
MONDAY: We just the big Comic Con convention here in New York City this weekend.
Down in Times Square the hookers offered a special for Comic Con: half price for all Wookies.
MONDAY: 57 years ago yesterday Queen Elizabeth II became queen of England.
I believe she’s the longest reigning queen, other than Richard Simmons.
FRIDAY: Happy Friday the 13th!
Everybody’s excited about Friday the 13th. Earlier today Donald Trump was wearing a black cat on his head.
FRIDAY: Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day!
I made my Valentine’s Day reservations months ago – and that was just for the girl.
FRIDAY: Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day!
Valentine’s Day always costs me a fortune; I have to pay for the candy, the flowers, the dinner – and that doesn’t even include the cost of the girl.
FRIDAY: I got a Valentine’s Day card today for my sweetie.
It’s real sweet; it says “Happy Valentine’s Day from the Father of Your Child.”
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Mayor Bloomberg turns 67 tomorrow.
His family and friends threw him a surprise party today; what they did was they all hid behind his money.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Mayor Bloomberg turns 67 tomorrow.
Earlier today he was bitten by a piece of cake.
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February 5, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:08 am UTC
It was cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that Denny’s refused to give a free breakfast to Al Roker.
It was cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that the woman who got the world’s largest breast implants had the silicone replaced with chowder.
A reporter was escorted out of the White House yesterday after he tried to get President Obama’s autograph.
The guy’s lucky; if it was President Bush he’d already be in Gitmo.
A reporter was escorted out of the White House yesterday after he tried to get President Obama’s autograph.
The guy was released without being arrested, so that was good news for Keith Olbermann.
The Grammy Awards are coming up on Sunday night.
There’s going be lots of really big recording artists there – but enough about Jessica Simpson.
Yesterday the government postponed the switch to digital television from February to June.
That’s good news for people who get TV using an old antenna – so mom will be able to watch me for a few more months.
Yesterday the government postponed the switch to digital television from February to June.
When she heard about the digital transition, mom called me very concerned and said, “David – after the digital transition will I still be able to watch Leno?”
A Texas woman recently got the world’s largest breast implants.
She’s a 38KKK, which is the biggest bust this country has seen, other than Brett Favre on the Jets.
A Texas woman recently got the world’s largest breast implants.
She’s now has a 38KKK bust – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Jessica Simpson’s new dress size.
Earlier this week Iran refused to the American badminton team into the country.
Things are getting uglier between Iran and the U.S. now. In retaliation, earlier today we refused to let the Iranian ice dancing team into this country.
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February 4, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:28 am UTC
Earlier today President Obama admitted that he screwed up on the Tom Daschle appointment.
I believe it’s the first time a president has admitted screwing anything since Bill Clinton.
They say now that President Obama likes to keep it warm in the Oval Office.
I believe he’s the first person to turn up the heat in the Oval Office since Bill Clinton.
They say now that President Obama likes to keep it warm in the Oval Office.
Bill Clinton never did that; whenever he got cold in the Oval Office he’d just put on another intern.
It was icy today here in New York City.
It was so icy today that I slipped on a patch of yellow ice.
It was cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that Mayor Bloomberg was bitten by a penguin.
It was cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that I had to wait an extra 30 minutes while they de-iced my hooker.
We had snow on the ground this morning.
Down in Times Square the hookers were offering their usual winter special: for $50 they’ll blow the snow off your driveway.
Michael Phelps was photographed smoking weed this week.
The good news is this shouldn’t affect his swimming career. He’s already the early favorite for the 2012 Olympic 50 meter Doritos run.
Michael Phelps was photographed smoking weed this week.
The good news is it hasn’t affected his endorsements yet; in fact, earlier today he was named the spokesman for Cheetos.
Last night we had former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich on the show.
It was great because for one night I didn’t have the worst hair on the show.
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February 3, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:24 am UTC
It was cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that Michael Phelps filled his bong with soup.
It was cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that Tom Daschle admitted that he avoided paying for soup.
Earlier today Iran successfully launched their first satellite into orbit.
The rocket was named the Falafel 1.
Earlier today Iran successfully launched their first satellite into orbit.
Experts say this means that the Iranians are now capable of delivering a long-range weapon as well as the Islamic Shopping Channel.
Yesterday during Groundhog Day ceremonies Mayor Bloomberg was bitten by the groundhog.
Apparently the little guy was pretty agitated – and so was the groundhog.
Last night at Madison Square Garden Kobe Bryant scored 61 against the Knicks.
That’s the most an athlete has scored here in New York City since A-Rod met Madonna.
A small earthquake hit New Jersey last night.
The good news is nobody was hurt and it even unearthed a few missing people.
Yesterday in Washington the Senate confirmed Eric Holder as the first African American attorney general.
I’m thinking now that this could really open the door for an African American in politics.
319 years ago today the first paper money in America was issued.
And 319 years ago tomorrow the first company applied for a government bailout.
Explorers in England announced this week that they found the wreck of the HMS Victory, which sank in 1744 with four tons of gold on board.
If they find the gold it would be worth $1 billion, which would make it the largest amount of found money, other than the auto industry bailout.
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February 2, 2009.
Web Posted at: 2:41 pm UTC
MONDAY: Congratulations to the Pittsburgh Steelers for winning Super Bowl XLIII last night.
Per tradition President Obama called the winners after the game; the losers got a call from John McCain.
MONDAY: The Steelers are still on a big high after winning the Super Bowl.
Here’s how much of a high they’re on: they’re even higher than Michael Phelps.
MONDAY: Bruce Springsteen played the halftime show at the Super Bowl last night.
You could tell Bruce is getting a little older when he came out on stage and the first thing he said was “Wait, why did I come out here?”
MONDAY: Bruce Springsteen played the halftime show at the Super Bowl last night.
You could tell Bruce is getting a little older because his performance was interrupted three times for bathroom breaks.
MONDAY: Down in Tampa at the Super Bowl yesterday they honored the pilot of that plane that landed in the Hudson River.
A couple of hours before the game he flew down and landed his plane in Tampa Bay.
MONDAY: Happy Groundhog Day!
Over at the Hello Deli they’re offering their annual Groundhog Day special: half off the groundhog.
MONDAY: Happy Groundhog Day!
Good news: it’s going to be an early spring because that thing on Donald Trump’s head didn’t see it’s shadow.
Bad news: six more weeks of winter because that thing on Donald Trump’s head saw it’s shadow.
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York has Groundhog Day fever.
Donald Trump replaced that thing on his head with a groundhog.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Grand Central Station turns 96 today.
96 years old and still servicing riders – just like Barbara Walters.
MONDAY: Five years ago today Janet Jackson’s breast was exposed here on CBS during the Super Bowl halftime show.
The good news is there hasn’t been a boob on CBS since then – other than me.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Ashton Kutcher turns 31 tomorrow.
31 years old or, as Demi Moore says, 372 months.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Ashton Kutcher turns 31 tomorrow.
Demi Moore took him to dinner at his favorite restaurant, Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Over in Kenya President Obama’s half brother George was arrested last week for possession of marijuana.
The good news is this time we didn’t actually elect the idiot brother named George.
Over in Kenya President Obama’s half brother George was arrested last week for possession of marijuana.
The good news is earlier today he was officially nominated to be the president’s loose cannon half brother.
Over in Kenya President Obama’s half brother George was arrested last week for possession of marijuana.
That’s bad news for President Obama, but good news for shows like ours!
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