Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
January 29, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:28 am UTC
Yesterday in Washington the House of Representatives passed President Obama’s economic stimulus package.
The only Republican who didn’t vote against it was Larry Craig, because he was in the bathroom when they had the vote.
Yesterday in Washington the House of Representatives passed President Obama’s economic stimulus package.
In order for it to become a law here’s what has to happen: next the Senate has to pass it and then it has to be signed by Oprah.
Earlier today in Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich made his closing statement at his impeachment trial.
He’s pretty clever; his closing statement was “If the hair don’t fit, you must acquit.”
Earlier today in Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich made his closing statement at his impeachment trial.
His statement was dramatic, it was flamboyant, it was over-the-top – no, wait, I’m sorry, that was his hair.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney is keeping himself busy in retirement.
Earlier today he greeted me with a sneer when I walked into Wal-Mart.
Former Vice President Dick Cheney has been keeping a low profile since he left office.
Nobody is really sure where he is or what he’s doing these days – it’s just like when he was vice president.
President Obama has overturned George Bush’s old rule that you have to wear a coat and tie in the Oval Office.
Democrats are less formal than Republicans. For example, former President Clinton would often be in the Oval Office without pants.
Celebrity birthdays: Oprah turns 55 today.
Just like every year I sent her a lovely birthday gift and she sent me a new restraining order.
Celebrity birthdays: Oprah turns 55 today.
Just like every year I sent her a lovely birthday gift and she sent it back marked “Return to Sender.”
This week the Fed decided to keep it’s key interest rate near zero.
Here’s how low interest rates are: earlier today I saw a guy threatening to break his loan shark’s legs.
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January 28, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:07 am UTC
Today was a cold, nasty winter day here in New York City.
The weather was so bad today that planes had to circle for hours before they could land on the Hudson.
Today was a cold, nasty winter day here in New York City.
The weather was so bad today that planes flying to New York were being diverted to Washington to land on the Potomac.
President Obama gave an interview to an Arabic TV show this week.
I believe the name of the show was “Muhammed and Kathie Lee.”
We’re learning more about that plane that landed in the Hudson last week.
The good news is the plane landed safely in the Hudson. The bad news is everybody’s luggage landed up in the Mississippi.
Everybody here in New York City has Super Bowl fever.
The Hello Deli is offering it’s annual Super Bowl special: half off the pigskin.
Former Yankee manager Joe Torre has a new book in which he rips Alex Rodriguez.
He says A Rod was a pretty boy who couldn’t perform in key situations – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s what Madonna said.
Hillary Clinton is our new Secretary of State.
She actually has a lot in common with the former Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice; for example, neither one has a husband waiting at home.
More bad news for Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich.
Earlier this week his impeachment trial began and earlier today he found out Joe Torre calls him a fraud in his new book.
Author John Updike died yesterday at the age of 76.
He had just completed a new book where he calls Alex Rodriguez a fraud.
Author John Updike died yesterday at the age of 76.
He had just completed his latest book, The Yankee Years.
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Tags: David Letterman, Late Show
January 27, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:29 am UTC
Here in New York City we’re getting a snowstorm tonight.
City crews are ready for it; the trucks are all lined up in Times Square ready to salt down the hookers.
Bruce Springsteen is playing the halftime show of the Super Bowl on Sunday.
The only wardrobe malfunction he’s likely to have is his hair falling off.
The only reasons I’m going to watch the Superl Bowl in Sunday is to see the commercials.
It’s the same reason my mom watches this show.
President Obama has been busy in his first week reversing a bunch of Bush policies.
Earlier today he reversed another Bush policy: as of right now, the Vice President is no longer in charge.
Down in Washington President Obama is busy pushing his stimulus package.
He’s really pushing his stimulus plan hard. I haven’t seen a president this in favor of stimulus since Bill Clinton.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Super Bowl special.
For an extra $50 you can go for two.
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was on The View yesterday.
Legal experts say that’s a smart move because if he’s convicted that’ll count towards time served.
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was in New York this week trying to drum up support during his impeachment trial.
Yesterday he was on The View and Larry King Live and earlier today that thing on his head was hob nobbing with that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
A woman in California gave birth to eight babies yesterday.
Mother and babies are all doing well. The father is still heavily sedated.
Archaeologists in Israel have found an 1,800 year old marble bust of a boxer.
They’re pretty sure it’s an 1,800 year old boxer because it’s the spitting image of Evander Holyfield.
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January 26, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:28 am UTC
MONDAY: Did you see all the people in Washington, DC last week for the inauguration?
It was amazing; human flesh as far as the eye can see – but enough about Aretha Franklin.
MONDAY: They say there were 2 million people are the inauguration last week and not one arrest was made.
Officials credit the security provided by Paul Blart: Washington Mall cop.
MONDAY: Aides say that former President George Bush has been spending his time now sleeping, tending to his ranch and generally not paying attention to current events.
It’s the same things he did when was president.
MONDAY: Barack Obama has already overturned a lot of George Bush’s policies.
Here’s what Obama’s already done: he overturned the ban on federal funds for abortions, he closed the detention center in Guantanamo Bay, and he banned chaw at cabinet meetings.
MONDAY: George Bush has been out of the Oval Office for almost a week now.
The bad news is it could take months to get the beef jerky smell out.
MONDAY: Barack Obama has officially taken over the Oval Office.
The Oval Office actually still looks a lot like it did when George Bush worked there; the only difference is there’s no spittoon.
MONDAY: People were pretty happy to see George Bush leave the White House.
They were cheering, they were dancing, they were celebrating – it was just like when I left NBC.
MONDAY: Congratulations to Miss Indiana who was named Miss America on Saturday.
I’m glad that she won because that means I’m no longer the biggest diva from Indiana.
MONDAY: Out in Illinois today they started the impeachment trial of Gov. Rod Blagojevich.
He’s pleading not guilty by reason of insane hair.
MONDAY: Out in Illinois today they started the impeachment trial of Gov. Rod Blagojevich.
He’s pleading not guilty by reason of insanity. Exhibit A? His hair.
FRIDAY: What I love about the Super Bowl are all the proposition bets.
My favorite proposition bet this year is which quarter mom passes out in.
FRIDAY: Bruce Springsteen is playing at halftime of the Super Bowl on Sunday.
The good news is the only thing that could pop out on him is a hip.
FRIDAY: The bad economy is affecting the Super Bowl this year.
Earlier today the NFL asked the government for bailout money so they’d have a coin to flip.
It was cold here in New York City today.
It was so cold today that in his new book Joe Torre rips Al Roker.
Some people are saying now that White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel is the second most powerful man in the country.
That’s right they say he’s the second most powerful man in the country, right after Regis.
Pope Benedict has launched his own channel on YouTube.
He’s really into the internet; earlier today he friended me on Facebook.
A woman in Phoenix accidentally flushed her $70,000 wedding ring down a restaurant toilet.
The good news is they recovered the ring. If they hadn’t that would’ve been the most money somebody has flushed down the toilet since CBS hired me.
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January 15, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:58 am UTC
It was bitterly cold today in New York City.
It was so cold today that I could see the breath of that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
It was bitterly cold today in New York City.
It was so cold today that Osama bin Laden called for jihad against Al Roker.
It was bitterly cold today in New York City.
It was so cold today that the Obamas got their daughters a polar bear cub.
It was bitterly cold today in New York City.
Here’s how cold it is right now: it’s actually colder outside than it is in here.
Earlier tonight President Bush made his farewell speech to the nation.
He made the speech in front of a small audience. Security was tight – everybody had to leave their shoes at the door.
Earlier tonight President Bush made his farewell speech to the nation.
He did well – he made it to the semifinal round in Hollywood.
Good news: murder is at an all-time low here in Manhattan.
The murder rate is so low that the only people getting killed in Manhattan these days are the Knicks.
President-elect Obama spent the day composing his inauguration speech.
Similarly, John McCain spent the day composing an angry letter to his insurance company.
President-elect Obama is going to overturn President Clinton’s “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy.
You remember “don’t ask, don’t tell” – it’s the deal Bill and Hillary have.
President-elect Obama is going to overturn the “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy and let gays serve openly in the military.
If it works there they’ll try the same thing at The View.
Down in Washington it’s been a week of lasts for the Bush administration.
Earlier this week President Bush held his last press conference as president and earlier today Dick Cheney had his last heart attack as vice president.
Osama bin Laden released a new video this week.
It’s first his video of 2009 and also his video shot in HD.
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January 14, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:22 am UTC
It was bitterly cold today in New York City.
It was so cold today that I needed two hairpieces: one for my head and one for my face.
It was bitterly cold today in New York City.
It was so cold today that a judge ordered Al Roker confined to his penthouse apartment.
Osama bin Laden has a new video out.
Experts say they know it’s recent because he calls for a jihad against Israel for attacking Gaza and because he says he can’t believe the Arizona Cardinals are in the NFC championship game.
How about that Bernie Madoff?
This is a guy who everybody hates, who’s holed up in his penthouse apartment and with all of his money – it’s like I have a twin.
Good news: murder is at an all-time low here in Manhattan.
The bad news is earlier today the city laid off 10 more chalk outline guys.
A Louisiana man has been arrested for threatening to kill President bush by blowing up the White House.
Obviously this guy is crazy – President Bush is never in the White House.
Amy Winehouse and her husband are getting a divorce.
Apparently they have incompatible careers: he’s always in jail and she’s always in rehab.
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January 13, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:19 am UTC
It was cold here today in New York City.
It was so cold today that the traders down on Wall Street were glad the stock market was melting down.
It was cold here today in New York City.
It was so cold today that the hookers down in Times Square were wearing Thinsulate fishnets.
They’re saying now that it’s going to be freezing cold in Washington, D.C. next week for President Obama’s inauguration.
They say it will be the coldest reception a president has gotten since Hillary found out Bill was cheating.
Earlier today down in Washington, DC the Senate Foreign Relations Committee held a confirmation hearing for Hillary Clinton.
Things got off to an awkward start when Hillary and Chuck Schumer showed up wearing the same pants suit.
President-elect Obama is going to close the military prison at Gitmo after he becomes president.
He’s planning to close all of our torture facilities. First will be Gitmo, then The View.
President-elect Obama is going to close the military prison at Gitmo after he becomes president.
The good news is all of the torture specialists will be reassigned to the IRS.
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich’s choice to replace Barack Obama in the Senate, Roland Burris, has been officially seated.
The good news is even if he was rejected by the Senate Blagojevich gave him a 30-day money back guarantee.
Earlier tonight the new season of American Idol started up.
I always like when American Idol is one because it means I’m not the least talented person on TV.
Amy Winehouse’s husband has filed for divorce.
He says his basis for divorce is irreconcilable hair.
A couple in Illinois got married last week in Taco Bell.
When they were asked why they got married in a Taco Bell in January they said well, because it was all booked up in June.
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January 12, 2009.
Web Posted at: 9:36 am UTC
MONDAY: Last night in California they had the Golden Globes awards.
If you’re not familiar with the Golden Globes, they’re like the Oscars but with booze. They’re basically the Andy Dick of awards shows.
MONDAY: Last night in California they had the Golden Globes awards.
There were a lot of dead faces on display: Heath Ledger, Paul Newman, Joan Rivers…
MONDAY: It was a mixed night last night for Angelina Jolie at the Golden Globes.
She didn’t pick up any trophies, but she did pick up two more kids.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Kirstie Alley turns 58 today.
The good news is her doctors say she has the body of two much younger women.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Kirstie Alley turns 58 today.
Her friends threw her a nice party and they had a cake jump out of a cake.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Kirstie Alley turns 58 today.
Her friends threw her a party and had a guy jump out of one of those huge novelty cakes – which she then ate.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Howard Stern turns 55 today.
At his birthday party they had a cake jump out of a girl.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Rush Limbaugh turns 56 today.
His friends got him one of those big cakes and had a pharmacist jump out.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Rush Limbaugh turns 56 today.
His celebrated with his favorite cake: chocolate, with the oxycontin icing.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Popeye turns 80 tomorrow.
Here’s how old Popeye is: he needs a can of spinach just to open the Viagra.
FRIDAY: The big Martin Luther King, Jr. Day weekend is coming up
We’ll be celebrating the holiday at my house; mom will be making her famous “I Have a Dream Meatloaf.”
A new aircraft carrier named after former President George H. W. Bush was commissioned last weekend.
Former President Bush took a tour of it. It’s 1,000 feet long and weighs 95,000 tons. I believe it’s the biggest thing a president has boarded since Bill jumped on Monica.
A new aircraft carrier named after former President George H. W. Bush was commissioned last weekend.
There’s also new boat being named after former President Bill Clinton – but that one’s a whaler.
Last weekend President Bush took his last flight on Air Force One.
More lasts for the Bush administration: earlier today Dick Cheney took his last ride in Ambulance Two.
A couple in Illinois got married last week in Taco Bell.
In a lot of ways it was just like any other wedding. For example, the food was crappy.
A couple in Illinois got married last week in Taco Bell.
Guests at the reception got a choice of chicken, fish or Chalupa.
A couple in Illinois got married last week in Taco Bell.
Technically they got married in the restaurant, but the reception was “to go”.
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January 8, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
Just 12 days now until Obama gets sworn in.
12 more days until Obama is sworn in – and George Bush is sworn out.
George Bush has only 12 more days left of being president.
Here’s how it breaks down: 2 more days at the White House, 10 more days on vacation.
Here in New York City the police are looking for two guys who robbed a diamond store dressed as Hasidic Jews.
The police say they should be considered armed and kosher.
Bad news: the murder rate here in New York City is up again.
Here’s how bad it is: earlier tonight over at the Garden the Knicks got killed.
Bad news: the murder rate here in New York City is up again.
The good news is earlier today the Gambino family announced they were hiring 10 more hit men.
Yesterday the Dallas Cowboys released Pacman Jones because of more legal trouble.
You know who I feel the worst for? Ms. Pacman.
Here in New York Broadway shows closing are closing left and right.
They say Broadway shows are closing due to lack of interest and I’m thinking that hasn’t hurt us.
Here in New York Broadway shows closing are closing left and right.
You can tell things are bad on Broadway. Earlier today I saw a guy holding a sign that said, “Will choreograph for food.”
On this date in 1790 George Washington delivered the first State of the Union address.
It was a stirring, patriotic speech – or, at least, that’s how John McCain remembers it.
On this date in 1790 George Washington delivered the first State of the Union address.
Here’s how the times have changed: in that speech President Washington called for a bailout of the horse and buggy industry.
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January 7, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:10 am UTC
It was a wet, nasty, cold day here today here in New York City.
It was so bad here today that Israel attacked Al Roker.
Earlier today President-elect Obama named his Chief Performance Officer.
John McCain also has a chief performance officer – the pharmacist who gives him his Viagra.
President-elect Obama is getting a brand new presidential limousine when he takes office in a few weeks.
They say it cost $1 million – and that’s just for the undercoating.
President-elect Obama is getting a brand new presidential limousine when he takes office in a few weeks.
They say it cost $1 million, minus $500 on the trade in.
President-elect Obama is getting a brand new presidential limousine when he takes office in a few weeks.
They really went all out: it’s got 8-inch thick doors, bulletproof glass and satellite radio.
President-elect Obama is getting a brand new presidential limousine when he takes office in a few weeks.
They said it’s so strong it could withstand a hit from Billy Joel.
We have an acorn shortage here in New York City.
Here’s how bad it is: earlier today Mayor Bloomberg laid off 1,000 squirrels.
Here in Manhattan people are complaining about a maple syrup-like odor in the air.
It is odd because usually the only sap here in Manhattan is me.
Scientists announced this week that the Milky Way galaxy is larger and heavier than previously thought.
That’s right, larger and heavier than previously thought – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Oprah.
Scientists announced this week that the Milky Way galaxy is 50% heavier than previously thought.
They figured out its weight using high-powered telescopes, three dimensional mapping software and mathematical models. It’s the same thing they do for Michael Moore’s weight.
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January 6, 2009.
Web Posted at: 11:55 am UTC
Good news: the murder rate here in New York City is up 5%.
Here’s how dangerous it is New York City right now: earlier today Israel called for a cease fire.
President Bush’s cat Willie died this week at the age of 18.
Willie was not only a beloved family member, she was also one of President Bush’s most trusted advisors.
President Bush’s cat Willie died this week at the age of 18.
President Clinton was more of a dog man – at least when it came to interns.
Presient-elect Obama spent today meeting with Congressional leaders down in Washington.
In the morning he met with Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi in their offices and in the afternoon he met with Larry Craig is his bathroom.
President-elect Obama has been in Washington getting ready to move into the White House.
Of course when he’s president he’ll be splitting his time between the White House and his ranch in Illinois.
President-elect Obama has been in Washington all week already getting to work.
He’s been in Washington for three days working and today President Bush said “Hey, hey, slow down! Pace yourself!”
President-elect Obama has been in Washington all week already getting to work.
He’s been in Washington for three days working which means he’s already put in more hours that President Bush has in eight years.
President-elect Obama is in Washington pushing hard for a new stimulus package.
I believe he’s the first president this much in favor of stimulus since – Clinton.
Celebrity birthdays: the Mars rovers Spirit and Opportunity turn five this month.
That’s amazing because they each came with only 3-year, 3 million mile warranties.
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January 5, 2009.
Web Posted at: 10:22 am UTC
MONDAY: Happy 2009!
I’m still not used to it being 2009. Earlier today I wrote 2008 on a check when I was paying for sex.
MONDAY: My son Harry got me a nice Christmas present that I’m wearing right now.
Can you tell what it is? That’s right – it’s my hairpiece.
MONDAY: Mayor Bloomberg was in Israel yesterday.
Apparently he wanted to get a kids-eye view of the war.
MONDAY: Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich named Roland Burris to take Barack Obama’s old senate seat.
He’s got thirty days to be confirmed and seated or to get his money back.
MONDAY: Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich named Roland Burris to take Barack Obama’s old senate seat.
I don’t know who this Burris guy is, but if I were him I’d save the receipt.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the New York Stock Exchange turned 144 this weekend.
Coincidentally, today the Dow Jones closed at 144.
MONDAY: Earlier today down in Washington, D.C. the Obama girls started at their new school.
I thought this was nice: earlier today the Bush twins gave the Obama girls their old fake IDs.
The Obamas officially moved to Washington, DC this week.
Earlier today their stuff arrived via U-Haul One.
Al Franken has been named the winner of the Senate race in Minnesota over incumbent Norm Coleman.
I believe he’s the first comedian to score such a surprising win since Leno beat me.
I’ve already broken one of my New Year’s resolutions.
Earlier today I took a call from Regis.
It was a lovely day today here in New York City.
It was so nice today that Israel invaded Central Park.
Here in New York City they’re going to install hidden cameras on all cabs to detect reckless driving.
Here’s the deal: they’re going to put a small camera in each driver’s turban.
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