Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
December 23, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:33 am UTC
The weather this week across the country has been really cold and nasty.
Here’s how bad it’s been: earlier today President Bush suggested bailing out Al Roker.
Earlier today I got my holiday card from Regis.
It’s a lovely card with a picture of Regis surrounded by all his money.
My son Harry said he was worried about how Santa would get the presents into our house.
I told him, no problem, Santa will come down the chimney, and he said, “Yeah, but won’t the armed guards gun him down?”
Hanukah is underway and everybody has Hanukah fever.
Earlier today the Statue of Liberty was holding a menorah.
We finally sent out the Letterman family holiday cards this week.
Holiday cards are expensive: you got the cost of the cards, you got the postage and I got the cost of the stand in for me…
Hillary Clinton has forgiven $13 million in debt she lent to her presidential campaign.
It’s the most she’s forgiven since she forgave Bill.
Sarah Palin said this week that her biggest mistake of the campaign was not spending enough time with the media.
She said her second biggest mistake was not getting picked by Obama.
Michael Jackson’s publicist denied a rumor that he’s very sick.
So there’s nothing wrong with Michael physically – mentally is another matter.
Michael Jackson’s publicist denied a rumor that he’s very sick.
The publicist said that Michael’s in great health and has the body of a much younger woman.
Archaeologists in Israel have discovered 264 gold coins from the 7th century.
They say the coins are oldest evidence ever found of a government bailout.
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December 22, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:49 am UTC
MONDAY: It was freezing cold here in New York City today.
It was so cold today I wore my hairpiece with the ear flaps.
MONDAY: It was freezing cold here in New York City today.
It was so cold today that Dick Cheney said he didn’t regret dropping the F-bomb on Al Roker.
MONDAY: President Bush announced a $13 billion bailout for the auto industry last week.
President Bush negotiated a good deal – in exchange for the money he got the auto industry to throw in free undercoating.
MONDAY: Hanukah started last night.
Earlier today down in Washington a confused President Bush pardoned a lamp.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the Lincoln Tunnel here in New York turn 71 today.
The Lincoln Tunnel is 71 years old has a crumbling façade, a few cracks but is still structurally sound – just like Cher.
MONDAY: The guy known as Deep Throat, Mark Felt, died last week at the age of 95.
Just to be clear, this was Richard Nixon’s Deep Throat, not Bill Clinton’s.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Andy Dick turned 43 yesterday.
His family threw him a surprise combination birthday party/intervention.
FRIDAY: Today I did the same thing I do every year on the day after Christmas.
I took the tree and threw it right out on the curb – no, wait, I’m sorry that’s what I do with my relatives.
FRIDAY: It’s the day after Christmas, which is the day when everybody runs out to exchange the presents they don’t want.
That’s what my relatives all tried to do; they each came to me and tried to exchange their checks for bigger ones.
FRIDAY: The best thing about the day after Christmas is the day after Christmas sales.
I took advantage of them today and got a great deal on GM.
FRIDAY: Everybody has bailout fever.
Yesterday on Christmas I bailed out three of my relatives.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Phil Spector turns 68 today.
His family threw him a party, which was a big success – he only shot two people.
Let me describe Christmas at my house.
It’s like I’m the government and my relatives are the auto industry.
My mom gets me the same thing every year for Christmas.
Every year she gets me something that doesn’t fit, that’s scratchy and that looks ridiculous so, this year I said, “Mom, please – no more hairpieces.”
Last week some guy broke into Paris Hilton’s house and stole a bunch of jewelry.
The good news is Paris wasn’t at home at the time – she was out making a sex video.
Last week some guy broke into Paris Hilton’s house and stole a bunch of jewelry.
That guy sure was brave; in order to steal anything he had to get past a mean, snarling teacup Chihuahua.
Last week some guy broke into Paris Hilton’s house and stole a bunch of jewelry.
The cops didn’t get there until he was already gone because Paris forgot the number for 911.
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December 18, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:50 am UTC
I bought mom’s Christmas present earlier today.
Every year I buy her the same thing and every year I have the same problem: how I do I ship her a big bottle of booze?
It’s Christmas time so I have a lot of people I need to tip.
I’m all set for that; earlier today I went to the bank and got a couple of rolls of quarters.
Bernard Madoff has been sentenced to house arrest in his $7 million Park Avenue apartment.
Legal experts say that with good behavior he could be released early to his house in the Hamptons.
Bernard Madoff has been sentenced to house arrest in his $7 million Park Avenue apartment.
That’s right, he’s confined to his $7 million Park Avenue apartment or, as Martha Stewart calls it, maximum security.
This Bernard Madoff guy is about the most hated guy in America right now.
The good news is, his friends are sticking by him. Earlier today Martha Stewart called and offered to show him how to make a shiv.
Here in New York everybody is angry because the governor has proposed new taxes on all sorts of things like booze, soft drinks, and music downloads.
The good news is he pledged to not raise the hooker tax.
Yesterday they announced some of the performers at Barack Obama’s inauguration.
Here’s the list of performers: Aretha Franklin, Yo-Yo Ma and Jay Leno gets the 10:00 spot.
Celebrity birthdays: today is Brad Pitt’s birthday.
His cake had 45 candles – one for each child.
Celebrity birthdays: Katie Holmes turns 30 today.
She celebrated with a very small cake – and a very small husband.
NASA says that 2 trillion tons of ice in the Artic has meted since 2003.
They say it’s the biggest thaw they’ve seen since Oprah and I made up.
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December 17, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:41 am UTC
It was a cold, wet, miserable day here in New York City.
It was so miserable today that people were throwing shoes at Al Roker.
Hanukah starts on Sunday and everybody’s got Hanukah fever.
Earlier today they put up a big inflatable Menorah in front of St. Patrick’s.
Yesterday the Federal Reserve lowered a key interest rate to 0%.
Here’s how low interest rates are now: earlier today the Gambino crime family laid off 10% of their loan sharks.
Yesterday the Federal Reserve lowered a key interest rate to 0%.
Here’s how low interest rates are now: earlier today my mom closed down her loan sharking business.
The economy just keeps getting worse.
Here’s how bad the economy is: earlier today they began eviction proceedings at Grant’s Tomb.
The economy just keeps getting worse.
Here’s how bad the economy is: earlier today over at Grant’s Tomb there was a sign that said “Roommate Wanted.”
On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first airplane flight in North Carolina.
They took two flights that day, which a lasted a total of 71 seconds – not counting a four hour layover in Pittsburgh.
On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first airplane flight in North Carolina.
The flight was flawless, except for losing Orville’s luggage.
On this day in 1903 the Wright Brothers made their first airplane flight in North Carolina.
Those first flights were rough, uncomfortable and had no amenities – just like JetBlue flights today.
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December 16, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:28 am UTC
President Bush is back from surprise visits to Iraq and Afghanistan.
He’s been showing up unexpectedly in all these places he rarely goes to. First it was Iraq, the Afghanistan and earlier today he shocked everybody by showing up at the Oval Office.
Caroline Kennedy says she wants Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat.
Here’s how serious she is about it: earlier today she went out and bought 10 pants suits.
Caroline Kennedy says she wants Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat.
A lot of people think she’s not qualified to replace Hillary; for example, she doesn’t own a single pants suit.
Caroline Kennedy says she wants Hillary Clinton’s Senate seat.
If she gets named to replace Hillary it won’t be the first time Hillary has been replaced by another woman.
Christmas is only one week away.
Here’s a last minute gift idea for the man in your life: down in Times Square the hookers are offering gift certificates.
The holidays are making people here in New York a little testy.
Earlier today I passed a sidewalk Santa without giving him any money and the guy threw his shoes at me.
As part of their divorce settlement Madonna is giving Guy Ritchie $92 million.
To put this in perspective, $92 million could buy the Yankees five years of an injury plagued third starter.
Scientists say now that dinosaurs had very small brains and that their heads were mostly full of air.
It’s the same team that worked on Jessica Simpson.
The Boston Tea Party happened on this date in 1773, where a bunch of colonists dumped British tea into Boston harbor to protest unfair taxation.
Little known fact about the Boston Tea Party: after the tea, they then dumped in a bunch of cream and sugar.
Celebrity birthdays: Beethoven was born on this date in 1770.
So if Beethoven were alive today he’d be 238 years old and would look a lot like Keith Richards.
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December 15, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:26 am UTC
MONDAY: Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.
It’s the first time somebody has thrown a shoe at the president since Hillary found out Bill was cheating.
MONDAY: Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.
Luckily President Bush was able to dodge the shoe. I believe he hasn’t dodged something like that since the Vietnam War.
MONDAY: Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.
The guy was arrested and charged with assault with a deadly loafer.
MONDAY: Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.
They say it could have been a lot worse; the guy could’ve been wearing heels.
MONDAY: Yesterday in Iraq a guy threw his shoe at President Bush.
President Bush was never in any danger; within seconds all of the Secret Service guys pulled their shoes on him.
MONDAY: President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday.
He spent a couple of hours in Baghdad then the rest of the day at his ranch Fallujah.
MONDAY: President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday.
He spent a couple of hours with the troops then can home. So, finally, he has an exit strategy.
MONDAY: President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday.
He’s only been there a couple of times and every time he goes there it’s only for a few hours and it was always very surprising – no, wait, I’m sorry, those are his trips to the Oval Office.
FRIDAY: This is the last weekend for Christmas shopping.
I still have to do all of my Christmas shopping. I always wait until the very last minute to send my assistant out.
FRIDAY: This is the last weekend for Christmas shopping.
I have a lot of shopping left to do. I still haven’t bought a thing for my teacup poodles.
They’re saying now that President-elect Obama’s inauguration is going to cost $40 million.
Here’s how it breaks down: $20 million for security, $10 million for the parade, ad $10 million for Oprah’s food.
The Christmas season is here which means I have lots of people to tip.
Every year I go through the same dilemma: how much should I tip the guy who walks my teacup poodles?
Everybody is in the Christmas spirit.
Earlier today Regis was decorating his tree with money.
I’m in the Christmas spirit.
Last night at my house a bunch of carolers came to the door so I had to sick the dogs on them.
President and Mrs. Bush are making plans to move out of the White House.
Earlier today the moving contract was awarded to Halliburton.
Jesse Jackson, Jr. says that he wants his name back.
I’m thinking that, technically, it’s his dad’s name.
Last week the Senate shot down the auto bailout bill.
The auto execs are really getting desperate. Earlier today they were at the mall asking Santa for a bailout.
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December 11, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:34 am UTC
The New York Yankees have signed free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia.
They really went all out for him. He gets 7 years, $161 million and Hillary Clinton’s old Senate seat.
Everybody here in New York City has the Christmas spirit.
Earlier today the Yankees gave Santa a 7-year, $161 million contract.
I, for one, am really happy to see Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich all over the news.
Finally there’s someone on TV with worse hair than me.
The bad economy is really having an affect on the holidays.
For example, Hanukah – it’s only four nights this year.
Joe the Plumber is writing a book.
In it he talks about his opinions on John McCain, how he feels about Sarah Palin, and how to snake a drain.
Michael Jackson is auctioning off a bunch of personal items.
Here’s what he’s selling: his white glove, the gates to Neverland and a bunch of his old noses.
Michael Jackson is auctioning off a bunch of personal items, including his white glove.
The glove started off white and has turned dark over the years. It’s the opposite of Michael.
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December 10, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:34 am UTC
The Yankees have signed free agent pitcher C.C. Sabathia.
The deal is pending a physical by Madonna.
The Mets have signed free agent closer Francisco Rodriguez.
It’s a three-year deal but he can get time off for good behavior.
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday on corruption charges.
On the bright side no public men’s rooms were involved.
Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich was arrested yesterday on corruption charges.
Here’s what he’s accused of: one count of bribery, one count of fraud, and one count of trying to steal his own sports memorabilia.
Everybody here in New York has the Christmas spirit.
Earlier today my cab driver smelled like frankincense.
Scientists have discovered a massive black hole at the center of our galaxy.
They say they haven’t seen something suck in this many stars since Scientology.
Scientists have discovered a massive black hole at the center of our galaxy.
They say it’s the biggest black hole in the galaxy, other than the U.S. auto industry.
Today is “call in gay” day, where gays are skipping work to support gay rights.
So, you know, good luck finding a gossip column today.
Today is “call in gay” day, where gays are skipping work to support gay rights.
It had a big effect; every gossip column in the country was a repeat.
Here in New York City they’re going to start using seat-less subway cars so more people can fit on the train.
That’s great because whenever I’m on the subway I always think “Gee, if they could only fit more people on this car.”
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December 9, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:14 am UTC
Hillary Clinton had dinner with Condoleezza Rice last night.
They actually have a lot in common. For instance, neither one of them had a husband waiting at home.
Hillary Clinton had dinner with Condoleezza Rice last night.
The dinner got off to an awkward start when they both showed up in the same pants suit.
Down in Washington they’re calling President-elect Barack Obama’s new cabinet a Team of Rivals.
Here’s what they mean: he’s keeping the current Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, Secretary of State is Hillary Clinton and earlier today for Secretary of Labor he picked George W. Bush
Earlier today President-elect Barack Obama met with Al Gore about a possible job in his administration.
Apparently Obama feels like he cabinet needs an injection of boredom.
The New York Yankees are trying to sign free agent pitcher CC Sabathia.
They’ve already offered him a 6-year $140 million contract but he still hasn’t said yes. So, earlier today they sweetened the pot by throwing in Madonna.
Down in Washington Congress is trying to decide whether to bail out U.S. automakers.
Don’t kid yourself, this is serious. If this bailout doesn’t go through Americans may actually have to start buying foreign cars.
The economy is so bad these days that everybody is asking the government for a bailout.
First it was the banks, then the auto industry and then earlier today New York’s organized crime families applied for bailout money.
A 70-year-old woman in India became the world’s oldest mother recently when she gave birth to a baby girl.
I feel bad for the father; all of those diapers, the dribbling, the napping – and taking care of the baby won’t be easy either.
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December 8, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:36 am UTC
MONDAY: OJ Simpson was sentenced on Friday for kidnapping and assault.
Here’s the deal: he was sentenced to 33 years in prison, but he could get time off for non-murderous behavior.
MONDAY: OJ Simpson was sentenced on Friday for kidnapping and assault.
OJ was very remorseful at the sentencing. He said if he had to do it all over again, he wouldn’t – unless he had a lawyer who could rhyme.
MONDAY: OJ Simpson was convicted on Friday to 33 years in prison, but it could be less with good behavior.
That seems likely because, really, when you think of OJ, you think of good behavior.
MONDAY: Giants’ receiver Plaxico Burress accidentally shot himself in the leg with his own gun last week.
He’s the biggest celebrity here in New York to shoot himself in the foot since I decided to come to CBS.
MONDAY: Giants’ receiver Plaxico Burress was arrested after shooting himself with unlicensed gun last week.
It’s very serious; he could get 7 in prison or 5 years with the Detroit Lions.
MONDAY: Last week here in New York they lit the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.
I didn’t bother going to see it. I figure if I want to see a bunch of big tall, dead wood getting lit up I’ll just go see the Knicks.
FRIDAY: Eight years ago today the Supreme Court declared George Bush the winner over Al Gore.
Earlier today President Bush celebrated by pardoning the Supreme Court.
FRIDAY: Eight years ago today the Supreme Court declared George Bush the winner over Al Gore.
Legally, the case is referred to as “Gore v Dumbass.”
Earlier tonight I saw a sure sign that it’s Christmas time.
I saw people caroling over at Grant’s Tomb.
Everybody is in the Christmas spirit.
Earlier today my cab driver was dressed as a shepherd – no, wait, he WAS a shepherd.
Everybody is in the Christmas spirit.
Earlier today down in Washington Dick Cheney waterboarded an elf.
This will be President Bush’s last Christmas in the White House.
Earlier today for the last time he used White House stationary to write a letter to Santa.
It was cold here today in New York.
It was so cold today that Plaxico Burress shot Al Roker.
Alex Rodriguez said this week that he’s going to play for the Dominican Republic next year at the World Baseball Classic, instead of for the United States.
He’s already training hard to make the switch; earlier today he dropped Madonna for Jennifer Lopez.
Barack Obama has promised to not smoke at all while he is in the White House.
I believe the last president to use tobacco in the White House was Bill Clinton – but he didn’t smoke it.
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