Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
November 28, 2008.
Web Posted at: 12:09 pm UTC
Happy Thanksgiving! I have a lot to be thankful for this year.
George Bush, Eliot Spitzer, Sarah Palin…
Earlier today here in New York they had the big Thanksgiving Day parade.
It was a big success; only three high school bands are missing.
This bad economy even had an affect on the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Instead of the usual high school marching bands they had to downsize to middle school marching bands.
We had the big Letterman family Thanksgiving dinner at my house today.
We had so much going at one point that we ran out of potholders so I had to think fast and use my hairpiece.
We had the big Letterman family Thanksgiving dinner at my house today.
I can always tell that’s mom’s had enough to drink when she starts calling me Regis.
Here’s how bad the economy has gotten: today at mom’s house she was charging extra for gravy.
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November 26, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:34 am UTC
Alex Rodriguez is going to be spending Thanksgiving with Madonna.
His job will be to stuff the bird.
The bad economic news just keeps on coming.
Earlier today GM announced they were laying off another 10% of their celebrity spokesmen.
I love seeing the new balloons in the Thanksgiving Day parade every year.
This year they’ve got a Sarah Palin balloon – it’s trying to slaughter the Tom Turkey balloon.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and everybody has Thanksgiving fever.
Earlier today down in Washington the Fed gave $200 billion to Butterball.
I have a bunch of relatives coming to my house for Thanksgiving.
I spent today getting the house ready for them – you know, hiding the valuables.
My mom flew into town today for Thanksgiving.
She was agitated when I picked her up at the airport because once again the TSA confiscated her weapon.
Earlier tonight Rosie O’Donnell’s new variety show debuted on NBC.
Not to be outdone, tomorrow night here on CBS we’re debuting a new variety show starring Janet Reno.
Earlier tonight Rosie O’Donnell’s new variety show debuted on NBC.
It’s actually a one shot deal, but it could be picked up if the ratings are good and Rosie tests negative for performance enhancers.
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November 25, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:27 am UTC
Earlier today the government announced that they were bailing out consumer lenders.
They’re going to lend $200 billion to mortgage lenders, student loan institutions and loan sharks.
Yesterday President Bush pardoned 14 people.
He pardoned drug offenders, tax evaders and the guy responsible for Madonna’s last album.
President Bush has pardoned 171 people since he’s been president.
That’s half as many as President Clinton pardoned. But it’s not surprising that more people got off under Clinton.
Osama bin Laden’s former driver is being moved from Guantanamo Bay to Yemen to finish out his prison sentence.
If he behaves himself he’ll be released in January to a halfway cave.
Members of the Bush administration are getting ready for their last Thanksgiving in power.
Earlier today, for the last time as Vice President, Dick Cheney shot his last Thanksgiving turkey.
Tomorrow night Rosie O’Donnell’s new variety show will debut.
They say it will be a lot like the old Carol Burnett show – if it were hosted by Warren Sapp.
Here in New York City this week there’s a big rabbi convention going on.
Everybody’s excited about the rabbi convention. Earlier today the Statue of Liberty was wearing a yarmulke.
Here in New York City this week there’s a big rabbi convention going on.
Everybody’s excited about the rabbi convention. Earlier today my cab driver was wearing a yarmulke on his turban.
The bad economic news just keeps coming.
Earlier today Santa Claus laid off 4 reindeer.
Alan Colmes announced this that he’s leaving “Hannity & Colmes” at the end of the year.
FOX said they’re already looking for his replacement. So far they’ve narrowed it down to three other guys Colmes.
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November 24, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:32 am UTC
MONDAY: It looks now like Hillary Clinton is going to be nominated for secretary of state.
It’s a done deal; Bill has already has a date for the confirmation hearings.
MONDAY: It looks now like Hillary Clinton is going to be nominated for secretary of state.
Obama will officially offer her the job once they’re done vetting Bill’s girlfriends.
MONDAY: It was on this day in 1889 that the first jukebox went into operation.
The invention of the jukebox was huge; once that came along Cher’s career really took off.
MONDAY: Earlier today the government agreed to bailout Citibank.
In return for the money the government gets $27 billion worth of stock, $2.7 billion worth of stock options and $5 billion worth of free toasters.
FRIDAY: Yesterday here in New York they had the big Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.
The highlight was the huge inflatable Tom Turkey, which I love because it means for one day I’m not the biggest turkey in New York.
FRIDAY: Yesterday we had the big Letterman family Thanksgiving dinner at my house.
Mom was there and made her famous 100 proof gravy.
FRIDAY: Yesterday we had the big Letterman family Thanksgiving dinner at my house.
All my relatives could talk about were bailouts – as in they all wanted me to bail them out.
Demand for tickets to Barack Obama’s inauguration is through the roof.
In fact, demand is so high they’ve added a second inauguration.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Thanksgiving special: half off all gobblers.
Everybody is excited about Thanksgiving.
Earlier today at the White House President Bush bailed out a turkey.
Everybody is excited about Thanksgiving.
Earlier today Angelina Jolie adopted a pilgrim.
Everybody is excited about Thanksgiving.
Earlier today Amy Winehouse overdosed on cranberry sauce.
The economy has gotten so bad the big problem new in New York now is unemployed Santas.
Here’s how bad it’s gotten: earlier today I saw a Santa on the corner with a sign that said “Will let you sit on my lap for food.”
The bad economic news just keeps coming.
Earlier today Santa Claus laid off 10% of his elves.
This bad economy is affecting everybody.
Earlier today Santa Claus announced that this year he’s flying commercial.
The Obamas have decided to send their daughters to Sidwell Friends School in Washington, DC.
Sidwell Friends has educated the children of Bill Clinton and Teddy Roosevelt. The Bush twins, however, weren’t educated there; that contract was awarded to Halliburton.
Sources are saying now that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have formed a good working relationship but not a tight bond.
That’s right, Obama and Hillary have a good working relationship but not a tight bond – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.
Madonna and Guy Ritchie have officially reached a divorce settlement.
It’s pretty fair; they’re going to split their assets and custody of A-Rod.
Over in Africa they’re training giant rats to find land mines.
I’m thinking, big deal; here in New York we’ve got rats big enough to drive cabs.
Over in Africa they’re training giant rats to find land mines.
They’re using a special breed of giant rat called the Manhattan rat.
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November 20, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:31 am UTC
We have a new problem here in New York City: raccoons.
So now we have the rats and the raccoons and they don’t get along. They’re like the Crips and the Bloods of the rodent world.
We have a new problem here in New York City: raccoons.
So now we have the rats and the raccoons and they don’t get along. In fact, earlier today I saw a gang of rats and a gang of raccoons squaring off in a knife fight.
People magazine named Hugh Jackman the sexiest man alive this week.
I hate it when People names their sexiest man alive because then I always have to spend hours on the phone consoling Regis.
Celebrity birthdays: Vice President-elect Joe Biden turns 66 today.
In the spirit of bi-partisanship earlier today Dick Cheney treated him to a day of waterboarding prisoners.
On this day in 1962 the Cuban Missile Crisis ended.
I believe that was the last missile crisis an American president had to deal with until Bill met Monica.
Scientists said this week that they can regenerate extinct species of animals using ancient DNA.
Using new DNA techniques they feel they can resurrect such extinct species as wooly mammoths, Neanderthals and the Knicks’ half court offense.
Scientists said this week that they could regenerate wooly mammoths for $10 million.
I believe that would make it the most expensive resurrection project, other than the Yankees.
Scientists said this week that they could regenerate wooly mammoths from a few strands of ancient hair.
It’s the same team that worked on Cher.
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November 19, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:18 am UTC
It was freezing cold here in New York City today.
Here’s how cold it was today: I wore my hairpiece with the earflaps.
Earlier today al Qaeda released their welcome video for Barack Obama in which they call him a “house negro.”
It wasn’t all negative; they also sent him a lovely fruit basket.
Yesterday Vice President Dick Cheney was indicted in Texas for abusing prisoners.
These are serious charges. If convicted on all counts he may have to waterboard himself.
Celebrity birthdays: happy birthday today to Larry King.
He had 75 candles on his cake – one for each wife.
Former president Bill Clinton says that he’s willing bare all in an ethics review if Hillary is nominated for secretary of state.
I’m thinking, isn’t baring all what got him into trouble in the first place?
Yesterday Laura Bush gave Michele Obama and her daughters a tour of their new home in the White House.
It was a detailed tour, right down to the window the Bush twins first snuck out of to go drinking.
Yesterday Laura Bush gave Michele Obama and her daughters a tour of their new home in the White House.
Then next week they’ll get a tour of their new ranch in Crawford, Texas.
Happy World Toilet Day!
If you don’t know about it, World Toilet Day is meant to promote the use of toilets and is sponsored by the World Toilet Organization and Senator Larry Craig.
Happy World Toilet Day!
In honor of World Toilet Day a special ceremony was held in Senator Larry Craig’s stall.
Ten years ago today they began impeachment hearings on Bill Clinton.
In honor of that day, earlier today a moment of silence was observed back in our writers’ room.
It was on the date in 1863 that Abraham Lincoln delivered the Gettysburg Address.
Here’s a little know fact about the Gettysburg Address: the MC that day? Regis.
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November 18, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:32 am UTC
It was cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that the stock market was down 500 points – 600 points with the wind chill.
It was cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that Al Roker asked for a bailout.
It was cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that Sarah Palin was hunting moose in Central Park.
President-elect Obama’s people are vetting Bill Clinton because Hillary is being considered for secretary of state.
It’s a pretty thorough vetting; they’re leaving no intern unturned.
President-elect Obama’s people are vetting Bill Clinton because Hillary is being considered for secretary of state.
It’s a pretty thorough vetting; in fact, I believe he hasn’t been probed like this since – Monica.
Congratulations to President-elect Barack Obama who has been named Man of the Year by GQ.
Congratulations also to John McCain who was named Man of the Year by AARP.
Congratulations to President-elect Barack Obama who has been named Man of the Year by GQ.
I believe that’s the second time this year he beat out Hillary.
Yesterday President-elect Obama and John McCain talked for the first time since the election.
Then, earlier today, Joy Behar and Elisabeth Hasselbeck also talked for the first time since the election.
Paul McCartney says that he has a previously unreleased Beatles song that may be made public.
He can’t officially release it without permission from Ringo Starr, Yoko Ono, Olivia Harrison and Heather Mills.
Paul McCartney says that he has a previously unreleased Beatles song that may be made public.
The song is called “Carnival of Light” and would officially be credited to Lennon, McCartney and Mills.
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November 17, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:32 am UTC
MONDAY: The new James Bond movie opened this weekend.
You can tell James Bond is getting a little older in this one because he trades in the Aston Martin for an Oldsmobile.
MONDAY: The new James Bond movie opened this weekend.
You can tell James Bond is getting a little older in this one. He’s now officially licensed to get a senior discount at Applebee’s.
MONDAY: The new James Bond movie opened this weekend.
You can tell James Bond is getting a little older in this one. The Bond girl in this one is a moose hunter from Alaska.
MONDAY: Barack Obama officially resigned from the Senate yesterday.
Meanwhile, John McCain resigned from the Early Bird Dinner club at Applebee’s.
MONDAY: Barack Obama was on 60 Minutes last night.
Meanwhile, earlier today, John McCain appeared on the security camera at Wal-Mart.
MONDAY: President-elect Obama and John McCain met earlier today.
Or, as John McCain calls him, THAT President-elect.
MONDAY: President-elect Obama and John McCain met earlier today.
It was a quick meeting – McCain only took two naps.
Barack Obama is busy now interviewing candidates for his cabinet.
It’s a grueling interview process. Each candidate has to get questioned by Obama, his chief of staff and Katie Couric.
Barack Obama is busy now interviewing candidates for his cabinet.
Meanwhile John McCain is busy interviewing candidates to be his new paper boy.
They’re saying now that for security reasons Barack Obama will have to stop sending email when he becomes president.
John McCain, on the other hand, will still be free to send telegrams.
Hillary Clinton is being considered by Barack Obama to be secretary of state.
I believe that would make him the first president who wants her around.
Hillary Clinton is being considered by Barack Obama to be secretary of state.
Bill was the one who recommended her for a job with Obama, except I believe his idea was to make her Ambassador to Iraq.
Members of the Bush Administration are already making plans for the future.
For example, after Obama takes over, Vice President Dick Cheney is planning to go back into the private torture industry.
The Iraqi Cabinet has approved a plan for American troops to withdraw by the end of 2011.
It’s not a done deal yet. Here’s what still has to happen: the plan has to be approved by the Iraqi parliament, the US Congress and Oprah.
Up on the International Space Station they no recycle urine and wastewater for drinking.
Astronauts that have tasted it say, if you close your eyes, you’ll think you’re drinking a beer at Yankee Stadium.
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November 13, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:45 am UTC
Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is going to be living in the White House with him.
This will be the first time a president has lived in the White House with a woman he dislikes that much since – Bill and Hillary.
Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is going to be living in the White House with him.
I believe her official title will be “First Pain in the Ass.”
Barack Obama’s mother-in-law is going to be living in the White House with him.
The Secret Service has already given her a special code name: Hillary.
The Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree is going up tomorrow.
Once it’s up it’ll be the biggest piece of deadwood in New York, other than the Knicks’ front court.
They made a new star this year to go on top of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree.
The star is 9 feet tall and weighs 500 pounds and – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’ Rosie O’Donnell.
Sarah Palin said that she would be willing to work in the Obama administration.
When she was asked which position in the administration she’d like she said “All of them!”
Sarah Palin said that she would be willing to work in the Obama administration.
For example, she said she’d be happy to clear the White House ground of moose.
Sarah Palin said that she would be willing to work in the Obama administration.
Earlier today Obama said he’d be happy to have her in his secretarial pool.
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November 12, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:34 am UTC
President Bush said yesterday that he regrets some of the things he’s said while he’s been president.
He said he didn’t understand some of the stuff he’s said, but he still regrets it.
President Bush said yesterday that he has some regrets from his time as president.
I think I speak for everyone when I say we all have regrets about his time as president.
Celebrity birthdays: Charles Manson turns 74 today.
In case you don’t remember him, Charles Manson is the crazy murderer from California who doesn’t have a Heisman Trophy.
Celebrity birthdays: Charles Manson turns 74 tomorrow.
In case you don’t remember him, Charles Manson is like OJ Simpson, but less scary.
It was a lovely fall day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that New Jersey politician Steven Lipski was urinating on people in the park.
Gas prices are way down.
Here’s how low gas prices have gotten: it’s once again cheaper for me to fill my tank than it is to have sex.
Oil prices continue to go down.
Here’s how low oil prices are: earlier today President Bush proposed bailing out ExxonMobil.
This week they moved home plate and the pitching rubber from the old Yankee Stadium to the new one.
What they did was, they dug them up from where they’ve been sitting for years and then they placed them in their permanent spot in the new stadium – no, wait, I’m sorry, those are the Yankee Stadium hot dogs.
Yesterday off the coast of England the Queen Elizabeth 2 cruise ship ran aground.
They were able to get it free using two tugboats and high tide – it’s the same way they get Rosie O’Donnell off the beach.
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November 11, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:29 am UTC
Down in Washington the transition from Bush to Obama continues.
Earlier today the Bush twins gave the Obama girls their fake IDs.
Barack Obama is already planning changes once he gets in the Oval Office.
The first change: get rid of the spittoon.
President Bush was in town today for Veterans Day to re-dedicate the USS Intrepid aircraft carrier.
He attended the ceremony, spent a few hours mingling with the troops and then went home – it was just like his National Guard Service.
President Bush was in town today for Veterans Day to re-dedicate the USS Intrepid aircraft carrier.
I’m thinking that seems like a good idea; nothing bad has ever happened after Bush landed on an aircraft carrier.
Everybody here in New York has Veterans Day fever.
This morning my cab driver was wearing his turban from the Iraq National Guard.
Everybody here in New York has Veterans Day fever.
Earlier today Hillary Clinton was wearing a camouflage pants suit.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Veterans Day special.
For $50 you can mount an invasion.
Now that the election is over Sarah Palin is going through her wardrobe, trying to figure out which clothes belong to the RNC.
John McCain is also trying to figure out which of sets of his teeth belong to the RNC.
NASA announced this week that the Mars Phoenix lander has stopped working.
NASA officials say they expected this would happen once the Martian winter set in or the warranty ran out.
There’s a guy in Kentucky who’s had the hiccups for a whole year.
Apparently nothing has worked. It didn’t even work when they tried to scare the crap out of him by saying “President Sarah Palin!”
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November 10, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:31 am UTC
MONDAY: Earlier today in Washington President-elect Obama met with President Bush at the White House.
I believe it was the first time he’s ever been in the Oval Office – and it was Obama’s first time too.
MONDAY: Earlier today in Washington President-elect Obama met with President Bush at the White House.
President Bush gave Obama the full tour: he showed him the Oval Office, the Lincoln Bedroom, the Pretzel-Choking room…
MONDAY: Earlier today in Washington President-elect Obama met with President Bush at the White House.
During the meeting he got an explanation of what the president really does – and Bush told Obama some stuff too.
MONDAY: Here in New York City the aircraft carrier USS Intrepid officially reopened this weekend after two years of renovations.
A team of workers spent two years and $115 million sandblasting the surface, filling cracks and repainting it. It’s the same the team that works on Cher.
MONDAY: Here in New York City the aircraft carrier USS Intrepid officially reopened this weekend after two years of renovations.
The Intrepid saw action during World War II and Vietnam and was first laid down in 1941 – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Barbara Walters.
FRIDAY: The new James Bond movie “Quantum of Solace” opened today.
You can tell James Bond is getting a little older. The Bond girl in this one is Cloris Leachman.
FRIDAY: The new James Bond movie “Quantum of Solace” opened today.
You can tell James Bond is getting a little older. He’s now Licensed to Complain.
FRIDAY: The new James Bond movie “Quantum of Solace” opened today.
You can tell James Bond is getting a little older. At one point in the movie he’s about to have sex with a woman and he says “Wait, why did I come in here?”
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Condoleezza Rice turns 54 today.
Her doctor says she has the body of a much younger man.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Condoleezza Rice turns 54 today.
You can tell she’s getting a little older. She recently admitted to using a Just for Men.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Prince Charles turns 60 today.
Prince Charles is 60 years old, he gets lots of money do nothing and he still has to run everything by his mother. It’s like I have a twin.
President-elect Barack Obama is now getting classified security briefings.
Here’s how different he is from President Bush: aides say he actually paid attention.
Today I saw a sure sign that it was fall.
Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were jumping into piles of altar boys.
Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg wants to add tolls a whole bunch of bridges into Manahattan.
People are unhappy about it. I haven’t seen people this mad since he raised the hooker tax.
Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg wants to tax plastic bags in the grocery store.
Here’s how it would work: there would be a 5-cent charge for each plastic bag you use. The good news is there’d still be no charge for whatever you can put in your pants.
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November 6, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:34 am UTC
Earlier today the transition team from President Bush to Obama was officially named.
Not Obama’s transition team – my transition team.
President-elect Obama is already busy trying to pick out his new cabinet.
Sources say it’s a star-studded short list, including Caroline Kennedy, John Kerry and Oprah.
President-elect Obama has started receiving briefings on highly classified information.
For example, earlier today he learned the location of Dick Cheney.
President-elect Obama has started receiving briefings on highly classified information.
Earlier today Dick Cheney showed him his waterboarding technique.
President-elect Obama was busy today picking out his transition team.
John McCain, on the other hand, was busy picking out new socks.
President Bush has vowed that his administration will cooperate fully with Obama’s team to make the transition as smooth as possible.
Here’s how serious he is about that: if anybody doesn’t cooperate, Dick Cheney has been ordered to shoot to kill.
Geologists recently found a 220 million year old fossil on State Island.
That’s unbelievable – I thought Joan Rivers lived in Manhattan.
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November 5, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:24 am UTC
WEDNESDAY: Barack Obama won big yesterday.
Obama won all of the big states: California, Florida, Germany…
WEDNESDAY: Barack Obama won big yesterday.
The election was officially over around 11:00 when Elisabeth Hasselbeck called Joy Behar to concede.
WEDNESDAY: Barack Obama won big yesterday.
The election was officially over around 11:00 when Barack Obama got a congratulatory phone call from Joe the Plumber.
WEDNESDAY: It seemed obvious early on that Obama was going to win, but the networks refused to call him the winner until late.
It seemed silly, kind of like calling OJ an alleged murderer.
WEDNESDAY: Sarah Palin flew up to Alaska yesterday just to vote.
She wasn’t there long; just long enough to cast her vote, shake a few hands and shoot a few moose.
WEDNESDAY: Here in New York City there were long lines at all of the polling places.
There so many people lined up where I voted it looked like Times Square on pay day.
WEDNESDAY: Now that the election is finally over, everybody’s busy with post-election tasks.
Earlier today Sarah Palin was in the returns line at Neiman Marcus.
WEDNESDAY: Now that the 2008 presidential campaign is over, here’s it will work.
Tomorrow Sarah Palin kicks off her 2012 campaign and on Friday Hillary Clinton kicks off her 2016 campaign.
WEDNESDAY: Sarah Palin’s doctor released her medical records yesterday.
Her doctor said she was extremely healthy – and foxy!
FRIDAY: Eight years ago today Hillary Clinton was elected to the Senate.
That was a big day; Hillary Clinton won her election – and so did Al Gore.
FRIDAY: Eight years ago today Hillary Clinton was elected to the Senate.
In honor of that earlier today Hillary was wearing a retro pants suit.
Now that the election is finally over, John McCain is going to take it easy for a while.
Aides say that, for the next couple of weeks, he’s really going to keep his campaign schedule light.
Now that the election is finally over, Sarah Palin is headed back to Alaska.
I know one thing: I wouldn’t want to be a moose in Alaska right now.
Barack Obama, his wife and two little girls will be moving into the White House in January.
I believe that Obama will be the first president to have a young girl on his lap in the Oval Office since – Clinton.
Barack Obama said last night that he was going get his girls a puppy once they move into the White House.
I believe that will be the first dog in the Oval Office since – Monica.
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November 3, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:29 am UTC
Everybody’s busy with last minute election preparations.
Earlier today down in Florida there was a last minute problem with the voting machines – apparently, for a few minutes, they were in working order.
Everybody’s busy with last minute election preparations.
Earlier today down in Florida the Republicans placed their phony vote order.
John McCain was on Saturday Night Live over the weekend.
It was impressive – you know, that he actually showed up.
John McCain was on Saturday Night Live over the weekend.
He was funny, he was smooth, he was likeable – that’s right, it was one hell of an acting job.
John McCain was on Saturday Night Live over the weekend.
He did a great job. You could almost feel the friction between him and Tina Fey.
Saturday night turned the clocks back one hour.
This was embarrassing: I forgot to turn the clocks back before I went to bed, so the next morning I showed up an hour before they even started serving lunch at Hooters.
Yesterday here in New York City they had the marathon.
Everybody had marathon fever – Hillary Clinton was wearing a numbered pants suit.
The New York City Marathon is pretty unique.
For instance, it’s the only marathon in the world with hooker stations.
Here in New York City they’ve launched a web site devoted to rats.
That’s all our rats need – an online social network.
The Navy announced this week that they were able to shoot down a missile fired from Hawaii.
President Bush said that he was glad to hear that the Navy shot it down, but he was disturbed to hear that Hawaii had missiles.
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