Chumworth on the News – 2008

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

It was cold and windy today here in New York City.

It was so cold today that my cab driver was wearing a turban with earflaps.

It was cold and windy today here in New York City.

It was so cold today that John McCain accused Barack Obama of consorting with Al Roker.

It was cold and windy today here in New York City.

It was so cold today that Wall Street was experiencing a polar bear market.

They say now that there’s friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Sources say they haven’t seen a political couple with this much friction since Bill and Hillary.

They say now that there’s friction between John McCain and Sarah Palin.

Here’s how bad it’s gotten: earlier today Sarah Palin endorsed Barack Obama.

Everybody has Halloween fever.

Earlier today John McCain accused Barack Obama of consorting with goblins.

Everybody has Halloween fever.

Earlier today Amy Winehouse OD’s on candy corn.

Last night Barack Obama had a 30 minute infomercial here on CBS.

This guy is pretty smooth. By the end of the show my mom was trying to call and order five pocket fishermen.

Yesterday the McCain campaign accused Barack Obama of having ties to another radical college professor.

I’m thinking that may be, but it’d just be nice to be able to say “president” and “college” in the same sentence for a change.

Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies who won the World Series last night.

Things got a little out of control in Philadelphia after the game. At one point a group of drunk fans flipped over the Phillie Phanatic.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

Earlier tonight here on CBS Barack Obama had a 30-minute infomercial.

You could tell he’s feeling confident. He spent the entire 30 minutes talking about his new line of steak knives.

The election is only six days away and both candidates are already making their post-election plans.

Barack Obama is polishing his victory speech and John McCain is polishing his resume.

The election is only six days away and John McCain is really going all out.

Aides say from now until the election he’s cutting down from three naps a day to two.

The election is only six days away and John McCain is really going all out.

Aides say from now until the election he’s doubling his daily dose of Metamucil.

There are rumors now that Elizabeth Hasslebeck and Joy Behar from The View aren’t talking.

It’s the first time two TV divas haven’t been on speaking terms since – me and Oprah.

There are rumors now that Elizabeth Hasslebeck and Joy Behar from The View aren’t talking.

So those two aren’t talking to each other. Now if they’d only stop talking to us.

The Knicks opened their season earlier tonight.

So far they’re off to a good start – they’re not mathematically eliminated yet.

The Knicks opened their season earlier tonight.

The season opened tonight and it should be all over by Saturday.

Gerard Damiano, the director of “Deep Throat,” died this week at the age of 80.

Viewings will be open this week to anyone over 18.

Gerard Damiano, the director of “Deep Throat,” died this week at the age of 80.

Today in his honor Mayor Bloomberg ordered the hookers be lowered to half-staff.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

It was a wet, cold, nasty day here in New York today.

The weather was so bad today that John McCain launched an attack ad against Al Roker.

The election is just a week away and Barack Obama is going around giving his “closing argument.”

In response, John McCain is going around giving his “confused harangue“.

Only one week until the election and the candidates are going all out.

For example from now until next Tuesday Sarah Palin will be shopping only in battleground states.

80 years ago today was Black Monday, when the stock market crashed.

Black Monday, or as we call it now, the Good Old Days.

80 years ago today was Black Monday, when the stock market crashed.

Here’s how long ago that was: at the time Herbert Hoover was president, the Yankees had only won three World Series and Larry King was on his first wife.

U.S. officials said an Al Qaeda coordinator has been captured in Syria.

More good news: earlier today we also caught the Al Qaeda Ombudsman.

U.S. officials said an Al Qaeda coordinator has been captured in Syria.

They said by capturing this Al Qaeda coordinator they’ve completely disrupted Al Qaeda’s plans for a holiday party.

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was found guilty of corruption charges yesterday.

President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea Alaska had senators.

A guy here in New York recently paid $400,000 for the rights to the two best seats in the new Jets stadium.

So, for $400,000 he gets the two best seats in the stadium and a giant foam finger that says “Number One Dumbass”.

Celebrity birthdays: Bill Gates turns 53 today.

According to Forbes Magazine he’s the second richest American, right after Regis.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

MONDAY: The election is just eight days away.

Boy, that really snuck up on us, didn’t it?

MONDAY: We learned last week that the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 on clothes for Sarah Palin.

They say they bought her clothes from Saks Fifth Avenue, Neiman Marcus and Victoria’s Secret.

MONDAY: We learned last week that the Republican National Committee spent $150,000 on clothes for Sarah Palin.

John McCain is a little lower maintenance. They only thing they bought for him was an Ace Comb.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Hillary Clinton turned 61 yesterday.

She celebrated tonight with loved ones. Tomorrow she’ll celebrate with Bill.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Hillary Clinton turned 61 yesterday.

Just to show you what a nice guy Bill is, he took Hillary out for a nice dinner and a night of dancing – and he didn’t even bring a date.

MONDAY: The World Series is going on between the Tampa Bay Rays and the Philadelphia Phillies.

Here’s how it works: the first two games were in Tampa, the next three games were in Philadelphia, and, if necessary, the next two games will be town hall style.

FRIDAY: Happy Halloween!

Here now are the three scariest costumes this Halloween: witch, ghost and hedge fund manager.

FRIDAY: Happy Halloween!

Earlier tonight I took my son Harry trick-or-treating and at every house the person would say, “Well, you have a very cute son there, Regis.”

FRIDAY: Happy Halloween!

Today I called my mom and told her the same thing I tell her every Halloween: I said, “Mom, remember, don’t give the kids cigarettes.”

FRIDAY Today I saw a sure sign that it’s Halloween.

A black cat crossed my path – and then he jumped back on Donald Trump’s head.

FRIDAY Today I saw a sure sign that it’s Halloween.

There was a bowl of candy on the front stoop of Grant’s Tomb.

FRIDAY Everybody has Halloween fever.

Earlier this evening John McCain took Sarah Palin trick or treating.

The good news about the economy is that oil prices keep going down.

Here’s how low the price of oil has gotten: earlier today President Bush said he wants to bail out OPEC.

The good news about the economy is that gas prices keep going down.

Here’s how low gas prices have gotten: today, for the first time in months, I didn’t carpool to work with Regis.

Over in Iran this week they announced that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is exhausted from overwork.

Well, there’s one more thing he doesn’t have in common with George Bush.

Earlier this month here in New York City a couple gave birth to sextuplets.

Mother and babies are all doing fine. The father is still being medicated.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

Hello and welcome to the Late Show.

I’m our host Dave or, as John McCain calls me, Joe the Talk Show Host.

Last night Barack Obama and John McCain had their last debate.

The topics covered in the debate were the economy, abortion and plumbing.

Last night Barack Obama and John McCain had their last debate.

Polls show that Obama won among women and McCain won among plumbers.

Last night at the debate John McCain and Barack Obama kept talking about Joe the Plumber.

Here’s the funny thing: Joe the Plumber was actually watching the baseball game.

At one point during the debate last night John McCain said that he was a federalist.

Originally he was also a colonist.

You could tell John McCain was desperate last night.

At one point he blamed Obama for Madonna’s divorce.

John McCain is on the show tonight.

And he thought he was all done being tortured.

Hillary Clinton attended the debate last night.

The good news for Obama was that she was there to support him. The bad news was she wore a nicer pants suit.

Dick Cheney had a recurrence of his abnormal heartbeat yesterday.

It was scary there for a while; he had to be rushed to the hospital on Ambulance One.

Dick Cheney had a recurrence of his abnormal heartbeat yesterday.

Apparently his heart skipped a beat while he was reviewing the price of Halliburton stock.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

Barack Obama spent most today practicing for tonight’s debate.

Here’s what he did: he went down to WalMart and argued with the greeter.

Earlier tonight they had the second presidential debate.

Each candidate made certain demands. Barack Obama requested an air conditioner nearby and John McCain requested a defibrillator.

Tonight’s debate had Obama and McCain sitting together at table.

You could tell John McCain was confused because halfway through the debate he demanded to know what was taking his salad so long.

Earlier tonight they had the second presidential debate.

You could tell John McCain was confused because he kept calling Bob Scheiffer Dave and apologizing for canceling his lat appearance.

Earlier tonight at the debate John McCain kept asking, “Who is Barack Obama?”

The only thing he said more was “Wait – why did I come in here?”

John McCain spent part of today getting ready for his appearance on this show tomorrow.

His campaign put him through some practice interviews with the part of me played by Regis.

Ringo Starr said this week that he’s no longer going to respond to fan mail.

The good news is he’s still available for weddings and bar mitzvahs.

Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie are getting a divorce.

Apparently they had irreconcilable differences: she wants to focus more on her career and he wants to focus more on other women.

The Rockefeller Ice Rink opened earlier this week.

Here’s the deal: it’s $10 for an individual session, but $7.50 if you’re part of a group – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s what the hookers in Times Square charge.

A drunk guy tried to hijack a flight from Turkey to Russia earlier today.

Airline officials say the problem was they never should have let Andy Dick onto the flight in the first place.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

John McCain is going to be on the show this week.

Apparently he’s decided to suspend his campaign to help this show.

Tomorrow is the last presidential debate.

This debate is actually being sponsored by Anheuser-Busch. The first topic discussed will be “Tastes Great” or “Less Filling.”

Over the weekend Sarah Palin dropped the opening puck at a Flyers game.

She had a busy sports weekend. The night after that at the Klitschko-Peter heavyweight championship fight she was the round card model.

Beverly Hills Chihuahua is still the number one movie.

Here’s how rich the Beverly Hills Chihuahua is now: sources say he’ll only drink bottled toilet water.

Out in California they’ve having lots of wildfires.

Here’s how bad it is in Los Angeles right now: until the wildfires are under control, the Beverly Hills Chihuahua is staying at his doghouse in Tahoe.

Good news: gas prices are way down.

Here’s how low gas prices have gotten: they’re so low now that my mom has closed her siphoned gas business

Earlier today down in Washington President Bush announced his plan for spending the bailout money to fix the economy.

Here’s how the $700 billion is going to be spent: $250 billion will be invested in banks, $450 billion will be invested in Alpaca farms.

Earlier today down in Washington President Bush announced his plan for spending the bailout money to fix the economy.

Here’s how the $700 billion is going to be spent: $250 billion goes to banks, $450 goes to Halliburton.

Earlier today down in Washington the President Bush announced that the government is investing $250 billion in U.S. banks.

Here’s how it will work now that the government is involved in the banks: if you overdraw on your checking account, you get sent to Gitmo.

Earlier today down in Washington the President Bush announced that the government is investing $250 billion in U.S. banks.

It’s not a handout. In return for that money every American gets a free toaster oven.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

MONDAY: Happy Columbus Day!

1492 was a big year. It was the year Columbus discovered American and the year John McCain joined the Navy.

MONDAY: Over the weekend the Alaska legislature concluded that Saraph Palin had acted inappropriately in trying to get her former brother-in-law fired.

Am I the only one who hears about Sarah Palin acting inappropriately and gets turned on?

MONDAY: Over the weekend President Bush met with finance officials from around the world.

They all pledged to work together to find a way to stop Beverly Hills Chihuahua.

MONDAY: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il made his first appearance on TV this weekend in months.

So, for one day at least I wasn’t the creepiest recluse on TV.

MONDAY: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il made his first appearance on TV this weekend in months.

It’s the first time he’s appeared on TV since he cohosted The View.

MONDAY: It was on this day in 1792 that they laid the cornerstone of the White House.

It was the biggest thing to get laid at the White House until Monica.

MONDAY: President Bush has officially removed North Korea from the terror list.

Here’s President Bush’s terror list now that North Korea has been removed: Cuba, Iran and Keith Olbermann.

FRIDAY: The new Oliver Stone movie about George Bush opened today.

I believe it’s called “Beverly Hills Dumbass.”

FRIDAY: The new Oliver Stone movie about George Bush, “W,” opened today.

They say it’s a lot like “Beverly Hills Chihuahua,” but less intellectual.

FRIDAY: The new Oliver Stone movie about George Bush, “W,” opened today.

Have you seen it? It’s got lots of womanizing, lots of chasing tail, lots of guy talk – and those are just the parts with Condoleezza Rice.

You can tell the McCain campaign is getting a little desperate.

Earlier today John McCain said that if he’s elected president the sequel to Beverly Hills Chihuahua will star an American dog.

The toilet on the International Space Station is broken.

NASA says a replacement toilet will cost $19 million – and that’s just what the plumber will charge to walk in the door.

The toilet on the International Space Station is broken.

Until it gets fixed the astronauts are using the toilet on the Soyuz spacecraft that’s attached and they’re not eating any dehydrated Mexican food.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

It looks like Barack Obama is ahead of John McCain in most of the polls.

You can tell Obama is getting cocky; earlier today he launched his re-election campaign.

It looks like Barack Obama is ahead of John McCain in most of the polls.

You can tell Obama is getting cocky; earlier today he held a campaign rally in Berlin.

John McCain is calling for the federal government to spend $300 billion to buy bad home mortgages.

Under his plan the federal government would own more mortgages than anybody – other than John McCain.

The economy is so bad everybody is cutting back.

Here’s how bad the economy is: I’ve started carpooling to work with Regis.

The economy is so bad everybody is cutting back.

Here’s how bad the economy is: in order to save on heating costs this winter I’m going to turn down my thermostat and put on an extra hairpiece.

The economy is so bad everybody is cutting back.

Here’s how bad the economy is: earlier today Hugh Hefner cut back from three girlfriends to two.

Hugh Hefner and his 28-year-old girlfriend have split up.

Apparently they had irreconcilable differences. For example, she’s 28 and he’s dead.

Hugh Hefner and his 28-year-old girlfriend have split up.

Hugh Hefner picks his girlfriend from Playboy bunnies that have fun personalities – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s how John McCain picks his running mates.

Earlier today Cleveland Browns quarterback Brady Quinn endorsed John McCain.

Not to be outdone, Barack Obama has started courting Sage Rosenfels.

A guy in Missouri was arrested this week for driving his lawnmower drunk.

Police arrested him after he failed a field sobriety test: he couldn’t mow a straight line.

A guy in Missouri was arrested this week for driving his lawnmower drunk.

On the bright side it’s good to see Andy Dick learning a trade.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

Last night in Nashville they had another presidential debate.

Did you see it? The old guy was feisty, he was angry, he was prickly – but enough about Tom Brokaw.

Last night in Nashville they had another presidential debate.

This debate had a special format: Hee Haw style.

You could tell during the debate last night that John McCain and Barack Obama don’t like each other.

I haven’t seen two politicians who dislike each other this much since – Bill and Hillary.

Last night during the debate John McCain said he knows what it’s like for people who can’t pay their mortgage.

He said he can barely pay his 13 mortgages.

Last night during the debate John McCain said he needs a hair transplant.

Finally, a candidate who’s talking about my issues.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their presidential election special.

For an extra $50 they’ll poll you.

Earlier today the Federal Reserve and a number of other global lending institutions announced an emergency cut in interest rates.

Here’s who cut their interest rates: the Federal Reserve, the Bank of England and the Gambino crime family.

The economy is so bad everybody is cutting back.

Here’s how bad the economy is: over at St. Patrick’s they’ve eliminated three sacraments.

The economy is still in really bad shape.

Here’s how bad the economy is: earlier today they repossessed Grant’s Tomb.

The economy is still in really bad shape.

Here’s how bad the economy is: over at Grant’s Tomb, Grant is looking for a roommate.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

Earlier tonight down in Nashville John McCain and Barack Obama had their second debate.

So for one night I wasn’t the crankiest old guy on television.

Earlier tonight down in Nashville John McCain and Barack Obama had their second debate.

You could tell John McCain didn’t want to be there. Every time they asked him a question all he gave out were his name, rank and serial number.

Tonight’s presidential debate was a town hall style format.

Town hall style meetings are John McCain’s favorite format. His least favorite format? Late Show style meetings.

During the debate tonight the candidates answered questions from the Internet.

You could tell John McCain is really out of touch by the way he kept referring to the Internet as the idiot box.

John McCain said during the debate tonight that if America goes into a depression that he’s the better choice for president.

He said he’s the better choice if there’s a depression because he actually helped fix the last one.

Yesterday Bruce Springsteen performed at a Barack Obama rally.

Not to be outdone, earlier today John McCain tried to book Glenn Miller.

Today I saw a sure sign that things are bad on Wall Street.

I saw a guy in a suit on the corner with a sign that said “Will trade complex financial derivatives for food.”

Today I saw a sure sign that things are bad on Wall Street.

I saw a guy in a suit on the corner with a sign that said “Will bring economy to a halt for food.”

Good news: here in New York City deaths on the job were way down last year.

The bad news is earlier today the mafia laid off 10 hit men.

Celebrity birthdays: Simon Cowell from American Idol turns 49 today.

His family threw him a big party – which he called the worst party he’d ever seen.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

MONDAY: OJ Simpson was convicted of stealing his own sports memorabilia on Friday.

Legal experts say his main problem was his lawyers couldn’t think of anything that rhymes with memorabilia.

MONDAY: OJ Simpson was convicted of armed robbery on Friday.

Experts say he’s probably going to get life in prison, so I guess that means now he’ll never find the real killers.

MONDAY: OJ Simpson was convicted of armed robbery on Friday.

I was surprised because it really didn’t seem like OJ was involved – after all, nobody was killed.

MONDAY: OJ Simpson was convicted of armed robbery on Friday.

The good news is, with good behavior, in 15 years he could be out on the streets killing again.

MONDAY: It was a miserable wet and rainy day here in New York City.

The weather was so bad today that John McCain suspended his campaign to help bail out Al Roker.

MONDAY: The Cubs were swept out of the first round of the playoffs over the weekend.

After the game they got a call from Ralph Nader.

MONDAY: This is the 101st straight season that the Cubs haven’t won the World Series.

Here’s how long it’s been for the Cubs: the last time they won Woodow Wilson was president, there were only 48 states, and Larry King was still married to his fourth wife.

MONDAY: Beverly Hills Chihuahua was the number one movie over the weekend.

I believe it’s the first time such a small creature has been number one at the box office since, well, what was Tom Cruise’s last big movie?

FRIDAY: Columbus Day weekend is coming up.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Columbus Day special: for $50 they’ll take you to a new world.

FRIDAY: Columbus Day weekend is coming up.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Columbus Day special: for $50 you can board Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria.

They’re saying now that the McCain campaign is in trouble.

Here’s how bad it is for John McCain: earlier today he suspended his campaign so he can go back to Washington and bail out his campaign.

Here in New York City they’ve started posting calorie counts in subway cars.

That’s great because I can’t tell you how many times I’ve found some food on the subway and wondered, gee how many calories are in this?

Here in New York City they’ve started posting calorie counts of popular food in subway cars.

Not only that, but they’re also going to start posting the number of calories you can burn off by hiring a hooker.

Here in New York City this week they closed the original Carvel ice cream shop.

Some people were pretty upset about it; earlier today Rosie O’Donnell chained herself to the front door.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

Last night was the big vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin.

Joe Biden was very restrained last night; there were only a couple of times when he called her “toots”.

Last night was the big vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin.

The pundits say that Binden won on foreign policy and Palin on moose calling.

Last night was the big vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin.

You could tell Palin was feeling pretty confident; halfway through the debate she started cleaning her weapon.

You could tell Joe Biden really liked Sarah Palin.

Halfway through the debate he tried to stick a dollar bill in her cleavage.

That Sarah Palin sure is sexy

I’ve never been so turned on just hearing somebody say “Ahmadinejad”.

You’ve got to give Sarah Palin credit – she’s certainly different.

For example I’ve never seen somebody show up at a debate wearing a sash.

Sarah Palin said last night that she’s not in favor of gay marriage.

Well, there goes Clay Aiken’s vote.

John McCain watched the debate at home and was very happy with Sarah Palin’s performance.

Friends say he was so excited he kept applauding which was making the lights all over his house go on and off.

It was on this day in 1995 that OJ Simpson was acquitted of murder.

He celebrated quietly family members – you know, the ones he hasn’t killed.

Celebrity birthdays: Tommy Lee turns 46 today.

He celebrated with ex-wife Pamela Anderson and their two bundles of joy – and their kids were there too.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

John McCain is selling his Arizona ranch.

It’s got 13 bedrooms, 14 bathrooms and 27 clappers.

Earlier tonight in St. Louis they had the vice presidential debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden.

Experts say it was a split decision: he won foreign policy and she won skeet shooting.

Earlier tonight in St. Louis they had the vice presidential debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden.

That meant that for one night I didn’t have the worst hair plugs on TV.

Earlier tonight in St. Louis they had the vice presidential debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden.

I was a little confused when I first turned it on; for a minute there I thought Regis and Kelly were having a prime time special.

Earlier tonight in St. Louis they had the vice presidential debate between Sarah Palin and Joe Biden.

Palin’s team negotiated an unusual format: each question was followed by 90 seconds for an answer, followed by two minutes of open debate, followed by 60 seconds of posing.

Yesterday the defense in the O.J. Simpson trial rested their case.

O.J.’s got a pretty good lawyer again. The guy gave his closing arguments in iambic pentameter.

Celebrity birthdays: Kelly Ripa turns 38 today.

The whole cast of Regis and Kelly threw her a surprise party. What they did was, they all hid behind Regis’ money.

Celebrity birthdays: Kelly Ripa turns 38 today.

She had a big party hosted by Regis.

It’s already October and you can tell that Halloween is just around the corner.

Earlier today Amy Winehouse OD’d on candy corn.

Here in New York City they’re experimenting with wrapping subway cars in advertising.

City officials say if it works for subway cars they’ll try the same thing with the hookers.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

Thursday night is the big vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin.

Here’s how the debate will break down: 1/3 foreign policy, 1/3 the economy and 1/3 talent.

Everybody’s excited about tomorrow night’s vice presidential debate.

Here’s how big a deal it is: earlier today they announced that Bruce Springsteen will be playing at halftime.

Out in Arizona Sarah Palin is preparing for the vice presidential debate on Thursday.

They’re really trying hard to boost her foreign policy knowledge; earlier today they drove her down to the border so she could see Mexico.

Out in Arizona Sarah Palin is preparing for the vice presidential debate on Thursday.

You know you’re in trouble when your goal is to do as well as Dan Quayle.

Here in New York City Mayor Bloomberg is trying to get around the term limit laws so he can run for a third term.

His advisors figure if he can’t get around the term limits he should definitely be able to get under them.

Celebrity birthdays: former President Jimmy Carter turns 84 today.

It’s been so long since Carter was president a lot of young people don’t even know he was president – but enough about Sarah Palin.

Celebrity birthdays: former President Jimmy Carter turns 84 today.

Jimmy Carter and George Bush actually have a lot in common: both were governors of southern states, both had a drunken idiot brother – no, wait, I meant Jimmy Carter and Jeb Bush have a lot in common.

Yesterday the Yankees announced that general manager Brian Cashman has signed a new three-year deal.

Here are Brian Cashman’s top three priorities for next season: an ace pitcher, a big hitting outfielder and a stud catcher – no, wait, I’m sorry those are Madonna’s top priorities.

Yesterday the Yankees announced that general manager Brian Cashman has signed a new three-year deal.

He said he looking forward to moving into the new stadium next year and finally having a decent budget to work with.

NASA announced this week that they found snow falling on Mars.

They say they’re really surprised by this and now they’re really wishing they’d gone for the all season radials on the rovers.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!