Chumworth on the News – 2008

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

September 30, 2008.

Web Posted at: 8:50 am UTC

Last night here on CBS Katie Couric interviewed Sarah Palin and John McCain together.

They’re a pretty good team. Every time Katie would ask a question Palin would yell into McCain’s ear.

Happy Rosh Hashanah!

The following are either closed or operating on a reduced schedule today because of Rosh Hashanah: banks, the post office and al Qaeda.

It’s Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year!

Everybody has Rosh Hashanah fever; earlier today Heather Locklear was busted for driving under the influence of Manishewitz.

Yesterday down in Washington Congress failed to pass the big financial bailout bill and experts are saying we could be looking at another depression.

So, who’s crazy for building a panic room now?!

Yesterday down in Washington Congress failed to pass the big financial bailout bill.

I was thinking about this and it’s too bad that Sarah Palin can’t see Wall Street from her house because then she’d be qualified to fix this mess.

Yesterday down in Washington Congress failed to pass the big financial bailout bill.

Earlier today Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi pledged to try and make the bill more attractive by cutting, reshaping and pulling back – no, wait, I’m sorry, she was talking about her face.

You can already see the effects of the financial crisis here in New York City.

Earlier today they repossessed that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

This big credit crunch is already starting to affect me.

Earlier today I had my credit card turned down by a hooker.

Out in Arizona John McCain’s staff is getting Sarah Palin ready for her debate with Joe Biden on Thursday.

So far the preparation is going well; earlier today they covered how a bill becomes a law.

Some Republicans now are calling for Sarah Palin to be removed from the Republican ticket.

John McCain is still supporting her. In fact, earlier today he said to her critics “Have you seen her legs?”

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September 29, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:36 am UTC

For the second year in a row the Mets blew their playoffs chances by losing on the last day.

Earlier today the Mets vowed that next year they’ll blow it much earlier in the season.

The Mets were officially eliminated from the playoffs yesterday.

After the game they got a call in the locker room from Hillary Clinton.

Barack Obama and John McCain held their first debate Friday night.

The strangest part was how Obama kept agreeing with McCain. In fact, I believe at one point Obama said he was voting for him.

Barack Obama and John McCain held their first debate Friday night.

You could tell McCain didn’t want to be there when he blinked out an SOS.

Barack Obama and John McCain held their first debate Friday night.

I don’t know who’s going to win but I’m just glad our next president will be able to pronounce “nuclear.”

Barack Obama and John McCain held their first debate Friday night.

I don’t want to say John McCain looked old but his teeth almost popped out when he tried to say “Ahmadinejad.”

The aircraft carrier USS Intrepid returned to New York this week after two years of renovations.

A team of workers spent two years and $115 million sandblasting the surface, filling cracks and repainting it. It’s the same the team that works on Cher.

The aircraft carrier USS Intrepid returned to New York this week after two years of renovations.

The Intrepid saw action in World War II, Korea and Vietnam. I believe the only one that’s seen more action over the last 70 years is Barbara Walters.

Congratulations to Scarlett Johansson who got married over the weekend to Ryan Reynolds.

I believe that for both of them this will be their first divorce.

Mathematicians at UCLA announced this week that they’ve discovered a 13-million-digit prime number.

The good news is they’ve won $100,000. The bad news is it’s probably the only number those guys are ever going to get.

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September 25, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:33 am UTC

Earlier tonight on CBS we had the debut of the new season of Survivor.

This season they’ve put the cast in one of the harshest environments on the planet. It’s called “Survivor: Wall Street.”

Earlier today President Bush called an emergency meeting at the White House between him, John McCain and Barack Obama about the economic crisis.

You know things are serious when President Bush is actually willing to go the White House.

Last night President Bush went on TV to explain his plan for solving the banking crisis.

It’s a three-pronged plan. One: the government will purchase troubled assets from banks. Two: sell the assets after the markets correct. Three: invade Switzerland.

Last night President Bush went on TV to explain his plan for solving the banking crisis.

Here’s how serious he is: he’s pledged that, until a bailout plan is in place, he’s completely suspending his fantasy football campaign.

Last night President Bush said that banking executives should not profit from the proposed bailout.

He went even further than that. He’s also recommending that executives of bailed out banks go hunting with Dick Cheney.

Yesterday John McCain announced that he was suspending his presidential campaign to focus on resolving the financial crisis.

Sarah Palin also said that, in order to focus on resolving the crisis, she would suspend not answering questions.

John McCain now says that he’s pulling out of Friday’s debate with Barack Obama so he can work on the economic crisis.

The good news is the debate will still go on; organizers were able at the last minute to replace him with Keith Olberman.

Celebrity birthdays: happy birthday today to Barbara Walters.

She had a cake with 79 candles – one for each lover.

Celebrity birthdays: Barbara Walters turns 79 today.

She had a big party where she blew out her candles – and then half her guests.

Earlier today China launched their third manned space mission.

This mission will feature the first three-man Chinese crew, the first space walk by a Chinese astronaut and the first ever food delivery to the space station.

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September 24, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:34 am UTC

Sarah Palin is in New York this week and yesterday she met with a number of world leaders.

Aides say the meetings went well – nobody asked what the Bush Doctrine was.

Sarah Palin is in New York this week and yesterday she met with a number of world leaders.

She said it was the first time she’s ever met a world leader, other than Queen Latifah.

Democratic Vice Presidential nominee Joe Biden has been saying some weird things on the campaign trail.

First he said Hillary was more qualified than him to be the vice president, then he criticized an Obama campaign ad and then earlier today he endorsed John McCain.

Advisors to Joe Biden and Sarah Palin have agreed on rules for their debate next week.

Each side had to compromise: she agreed that one portion of the debate will be on foreign policy experience and he agreed that one portion of the debate will be a swimsuit competition.

Yesterday at the UN Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said the United States is nearing collapse.

As evidence that American is about to collapse he cited the current financial crisis, the continuing war in Iraq and Sunday’s Emmy Awards.

The Yankees were officially eliminated from the playoffs last night for the first time in 13 years.

To put this in perspective since the last time the Yankees missed the playoffs I’ve had one child, one heart bypass surgery, and three hairpieces.

The Yankees were officially eliminated from the playoffs last night for the first time in 13 years.

Here’s how long it’s been since the Yankees last missed the playoffs: the only thing still with the team from then are the hot dogs.

Clay Aiken announced this week in People magazine that he’s gay.

This wasn’t surprising to most people; even his boyfriend was starting to suspect.

You can really tell it’s fall in New York.

Over in Central Park Magicians are falling from trees.

Earlier today over in Central Park David Blaine set a new world record by hanging upside for 60 straight hours.

Here’s what he gets: the world record for hanging upside down and the title World’s Biggest Dumbass.

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September 23, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:38 am UTC

Earlier today Sarah Palin met with the Afghan President Hamid Karzai here in New York.

Sarah Palin and the President Karzai have a lot in common: both come from rugged, mountainous areas, both have big families and both were once hockey moms.

Earlier today Sarah Palin met with the Afghan President Hamid Karzai here in New York.

Out of habit halfway through the meeting she reminded him to take his medication.

Earlier today here in New York both President Bush and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the UN.

So you had one world leader coming to place where he doesn’t speak the language and where’s he’s not liked and considered a nut – and then you had the president of Iran.

Earlier today here in New York both President Bush and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the UN.

If you think about it President Bush and President Ahmadinejad have a lot in common: they’re both presidents, they’re both unpopular in this country and neither ever says “nuclear.”

Earlier today President Bush gave his last address to the UN.

Bush gave a stirring speech and capped it off by hanging upside down in Central Park.

Earlier today Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad addressed the UN.

He’s got a big week in New York planned. Today he spoke at the UN, Thursday he meets with religious leaders and Friday he cohosts The View.

Leaders from around the world are in town this week for the UN General Assembly.

In between meetings they also like to shop. Earlier today the prime minister of Japan got a great deal on the Bank of America.

Here in New York City leaders from around the world are in town for the UN General Assembly.

Earlier today I shared a cab with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad; here’s how it worked: I was in the back and he was driving.

Over in Centreal Park David Blaine is trying to set a record by hanging upside down for 60 straight hours.

That’s right he’s spending three straight days in Central Park without eating, bathing or using a toilet and I’m thinking, take away the upside down part and that’s not so unusual.

Yesterday former President Bill Clinton said he could see why people like Sarah Palin.

In fact he said he were still president, he’d definitely hire her to be an intern.

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September 22, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:26 am UTC

MONDAY: Last night they played the last game at Yankee Stadium.

Yankee Stadium is 85 years old, has had one major facelift and has had an uncountable number of people inside it – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Barbara Walters.

MONDAY: Last night they played the last game at Yankee Stadium.

They brought back some of the biggest names to ever wear a Yankee uniform: Yogi Berra, Bernie Williams, Billy Crystal…

MONDAY: Last night they played the last game at Yankee Stadium.

The only parts of the old stadium that are going to the new stadium are the monuments, the plaques and the hot dogs.

MONDAY: Next year the Yankees will move into their new stadium.

The new stadium is made of limestone, granite, glass – no, wait, I’m sorry those are the hot dogs.

MONDAY: Last night on ABC they had the Emmy Awards.

I don’t want to say the show was bad but halfway through the government had to come in and bail it out.

MONDAY: Last night on ABC they had the Emmy Awards.

Congratulations to the biggest winner of the night, “30 rock” and it’s creator and star, Sarah Palin.

MONDAY: President Bush arrived in town today to speak to the UN.

He’ll be speaking about his top three issues: the war in Iraq, the financial crisis and his fantasy football picks.

MONDAY: This week here in New York City the UN is having it’s annual General Assembly.

That means that there’ll be people from every country trying to make their the UN building – and those are just the cab drivers.

MONDAY: Over in Central Park David Blaine is trying to hang upside down for 60 hours.

They hoisted him up earlier today and so far it’s going well – he’s only been mugged three times.

MONDAY: Over in Central Park David Blaine is trying to hang upside down for 60 hours.

60 hours hanging upside down in Central Park. Doctors say it’s extremely dangerous – and they said hanging upside down is dangerous too.

MONDAY: Yesterday up in New England the Patriots lost their first regular season game in two years.

Tom Brady, of course, missed the game. He was at home massaging his Bundchen.

It’s officially fall.

Since summer’s over yesterday I went through my closet and put away the cotton and pulled out my fleece hairpieces.

It’s officially fall.

Today I saw a sure sign that it’s fall: workers were putting tights on the Statue of Liberty.

It’s officially fall.

Today I saw a sure sign that it’s fall: they took the air conditioners out of the windows over at Grant’s Tomb.

You can certainly tell that fall is here.

Today I saw a sure sign that it’s fall: over in front of St. Patrick’s the priests were jumping into piles of altar boys.

Miners in Africa recently discovered a 478-carat diamond.

Here’s how big it is: it’s so big Kobe Bryant has started dating again.

Scientists in Australia are using satellites to track Giant Kangaroo Rats.

Here in New York City we don’t need to do that; all of our rats have tags.

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September 11, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:25 am UTC

It was a beautiful day here in New York today.

It was such a beautiful day today that Charles Rangel was avoiding taxes in the park.

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for stealing his own sports memorabilia.

It’s not going well for O.J. – his lawyers can’t think of anything that rhymes with “memorabilia.”

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

It’s created such a buzz in Las Veags that earlier today Caesar’s Palace signed O.J. to two trials a night for the next 10 years.

Yesterday Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton would have been a better choice for vice president than him.

He was quite deferential to Hillary. He also said she wears nicer pants suits.

Yesterday Joe Biden said that Hillary Clinton would have been a better choice for vice president than him.

Here’s how highly Joe Biden thinks of Hillary Clinton: he said if Obama had picked Hillary, then he wouldn’t be voting for McCain.

Happy Ramadan!

Earlier today I gave my cab driver a Ramadan tip: I suggested he try taking a bath.

Happy Ramadan!

So, as a reminder, for the month of September here in New York, the cabs are running on a holiday schedule.

There’s a report out that government energy officials have been having sex with employees of oil companies.

The good news is it’s nice to see oil companies getting screwed for once.

The government says now that they have a new tactics to find Osama bin Laden.

Apparently one of the new tactics is to actually start looking for him.

A guy in Wisconsin says that he’s eaten 23,000 Big Macs since 1972.

Amazingly, the guy is actually in pretty good health. His doctor says his only problem is that his blood type is now “special sauce”

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September 10, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:33 am UTC

If you think about it John McCain’s choice of Sarah Palin really is historic.

I believe that she is, technically, the first ever trophy running-mate.

John McCain and Sarah Palin make a pretty good team on the campaign trail.

For example, every time somebody asks him a question she yells it into his ear.

Sarah Palin has proven to be a big help to John McCain.

Here’s what she does for John McCain so far: strengthens his support among conservatives, boosts his poll numbers with women, and keeps track of his daily medications.

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

Legal experts say it doesn’t look good for O.J. this time because there are witnesses to the crime, there’s lots of physical evidence and he didn’t do it in California.

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

I have a hard time believing O.J. was involved; I mean, nobody was killed.

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

On the plus side, it’s good to see O.J. is still working.

Everybody’s got Fashion Week fever here in New York.

Earlier today Donald Trump was wearing a French poodle on his head.

There are rumors now that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il may be sick.

Apparently people started becoming suspicious when he didn’t show up at the MTV Video Music Awards.

There are rumors now that North Korean leader Kim Jong Il may be sick.

They’re saying now that he hasn’t been seen in months, he may be on the verge of death and that he hasn’t yet named a successor – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Dick Cheney.

Earlier today in Europe scientists successfully tested the world’s largest particle accelerator.

It cost $9 billion but nobody everybody is in favor of it. Earlier today Sarah Palin called it the Particle Accelerator to Nowhere.

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September 9, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:30 am UTC

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

Legal experts say the only way O.J. is going to get out of this one is if he hires Maya Angelou.

O.J. Simpson is on trial again, this time for robbery and kidnapping in Law Vegas.

The good news is he has an airtight alibi: the bad news is his alibi is that he was murdering somebody at the time.

Out in Las Vegas today they had jury selection in the O.J. Simpson trial.

Here’s what they’re looking for: people that can be impartial, people that don’t know much about the case, and people that O.J. hasn’t tried to kill.

They’re saying now that when John McCain and Sarah Palin are together he will hug her, but he won’t kiss her.

It’s the same rule Bill has with Hillary.

It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.

Today, in honor of Fashion Week the Yankees lost to Dolce and Gabbana.

It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.

Today I saw a sure sign that it’s Fashion Week again: this morning on the subway, I saw a guy wearing a beautiful designer shirt – and nothing else.

Lance Armstrong says he’s going race in the Tour de France again next year.

He’ll be riding for a new team – AARP.

Lance Armstrong says he’s going race in the Tour de France again next year.

I don’t want to say he’s too old to race, but his training regimen now consists of laps around the mall.

Here in New York City the transit authority has started running double-decker buses.

They’re nice buses and they even have a bathroom – it’s called the top rail.

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September 8, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:27 am UTC

MONDAY: Yesterday all four of the presidential and vice presidential candidates were on TV.

Barack Obama was on This Week on ABC; John McCain was on Face the Nation here on CBS; Joe Biden was on Meet the Press; and Sarah Palin was on the TV Video Music Awards.

MONDAY: Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady was hurt yesterday and may miss the whole season.

Here’s how serious it is: the Patriots announced earlier today that for the rest of the season Matt Cassel will fill in for Brady with Giselle Bundchen.

MONDAY: Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady was hurt yesterday and may miss the whole season.

It’s pretty serious; they’re saying now that it may be up to a year before he can make another pass at a supermodel.

MONDAY: Patriot’s quarterback Tom Brady was hurt yesterday and may miss the whole season.

They’ve taken some pictures and they’re just waiting to get the official results back from Bill Belichick’s video guys.

MONDAY: Britney Spears won three awards at the MTV Music Video Awards last night.

Things have been going well for Britney lately. She’s back in shape, she won three awards last night and last week she accepted the Republican vice presidential nomination.

MONDAY: Yesterday was Grandparents’ Day.

This was nice but a little strange: my son Harry made a Grandparent’s Day card for me.

MONDAY: Yesterday at the White House President Bush hosted his last T-ball game on the South Lawn.

Aides say it was a sad day for President Bush because he was finally starting to get the hang of it.

MONDAY: Yesterday at the White House President Bush hosted his last T-ball game on the South Lawn.

John McCain has promised to continue the T-ball games if he’s elected but Barack Obama has promised a complete withdrawal in his first 6 months.

It’s Fashion Week here in New York City again.

Today in honor of Fashion Week, A-Rod was seen going into Gloria Vanderbilt’s apartment.

Here in New York the Broadway show Rent has closed after a 12-year run.

I believe it’s the longest running show to come to a halt on Broadway, other than this one.

The oldest gorilla in captivity died last week at the age of 55.

Technically the oldest known gorilla is 61, but he’s not in captivity because the Arnold Schwarzenegger can come and go when he wants.

Oprah is refusing to have Sarah Palin on her show.

Here’s how much Oprah hates her: she said before she has Sarah Palin on the show she’ll have me on.

Out in Utah this week police say Gary Coleman hit a guy with his truck after an argument.

Police didn’t charge him because, to be fair, he couldn’t see over the steering wheel.

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September 4, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:29 am UTC

It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.

It was so nice today that earlier tonight Al Roker accepted the Republican nomination.

It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.

It was so nice today that Joe Lieberman endorsed Al Roker.

Earlier tonight the Giants officially opened the NFL season.

It looks like the Giants are going to have a tough time repeating this year. They’ve lost most of their defensive line: Michael Strahan, Usi Umenyiora, Rosie O’Donnell…

The Republican National Convention wrapped up earlier tonight.

Let’s see, so now the Republicans have had their convention and the ticket is set – all that’s left now is the rigging of the votes.

John McCain gave his acceptance speech earlier tonight at the Republican National Convention.

He was really fired up. Aides say he hasn’t been that worked up since Applebee’s raised their prices.

John McCain gave his acceptance speech earlier tonight at the Republican National Convention.

It was a fantastic speech. He stopped four times for standing ovations and five times to adjust his teeth.

Security was tight at the Republican National Convention.

Here’s how tight it was: during John McCain’s acceptance speech Sarah Palin stood behind him with her hunting rifle.

The other night at the Republican National Convention President Bush spoke live via satellite.

He was too busy to actually attend the convention in person. After all, the economy isn’t going to bungle itself.

John McCain says he still fully supports Sarah Palin, despite her recent family crisis.

That’s right, he said she’s his “Number One Broad.”

Last night during the Yankee game Major League Baseball used video replay for the first time ever to review an Alex Rodriguez home run.

It’s the first time video replay has been used to see if A-Rod put it over the wall – outside of Madonna’s bedroom.

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September 3, 2008.

Web Posted at: 7:35 am UTC

Former Democratic Senator Joe Lieberman spoke at the Republican National Convention last night.

It’s been a strange Republican convention so far. Last night Joe Lieberman spoke and tonight it’s Bill Clinton’s turn.

Earlier tonight at the Republican National Convention Sarah Palin accepted the Vice Presidential nomination.

It was a great speech. She was interrupted four times for standing ovations and five times for family crises.

Earlier tonight at the Republican National Convention Sarah Palin accepted the Vice Presidential nomination.

It was a great speech. My favorite part was when she got up on the pole.

John McCain’s 96 year-old mother was at the convention last night.

Poor John McCain; he’s 70 years old and his mother still watches everything he does – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s me.

Rudolph Giuliani spoke last night at the Republican National.

It was a good speech; he was interrupted four times for standing ovations and five times by phone calls from his wife.

Tiger Woods and his wife Elin announced this week that they are expecting their second child.

The good news his Elin and the baby are doing well. The bad news is it only took Tiger three strokes.

Earlier today in Chicago Oprah had 150 U.S. Olympic athletes on her show.

Then, earlier tonight, here in New York Madonna had 150 Olympic athletes in her bedroom.

Actor and singer Jerry Reed passed away this week at the age of 71.

His is the third face from “Smokey and the Bandit” face that’s no longer with us, after Jackie Gleason and Burt Reynolds.

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September 2, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:30 am UTC