Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
August 28, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:25 am UTC
It was another beautiful day here in New York City.
It was so nice today that Bill Clinton said that Al Roker should be president.
Barack Obama made his acceptance speech at the Democratic National Convention earlier tonight.
The speech seemed like it went really well, but we’ll have to wait and see how it plays with his most important constituency – Oprah.
Bill Clinton spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night.
He sounded a lot like Hillary did the night before; the only difference was the color of the pants suit.
Have you been watching the Democratic National Convention?
It’s four days of speeches and video montages – just like the Academy Awards.
Have you been watching the Democratic National Convention?
I haven’t watched much; I’m looking forward to the Republican Convention next week – at least there’s a chance Cheney will shoot somebody.
Have you been watching the Democratic National Convention?
I haven’t watched much; the only part I like is the Red Carpet show.
I’m excited about the Democratic National Convention.
So long as that’s going on it means I’m not the most boring thing on TV.
Scientists said this week that the ice level in the Arctic Ocean is at the second-lowest level ever.
They say it’s the biggest thaw since Oprah and I made up.
Good news: the poverty rate in New York City is way down.
Here’s how much poverty is down here in New York City: today the homeless guy in front of our theater was wearing nicer clothes than me.
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August 27, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:32 am UTC
It was another beautiful day here in New York City.
It was so nice today that John McCain picked Al Roker as his running mate.
Bill Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.
The speech was a big success; he got four standing ovations and five phone numbers.
Bill Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.
Hillary was happy that Bill spoke – at least she where he was for one night.
Last night at the Democratic National Convention Dennis Kucinich gave a rousing speech.
He was really fired up. At one point he was banging his fist on the bottom of the podium.
Last night at the Democratic National Convention Dennis Kucinich gave a rousing speech.
He was really fired up. At one point he almost fell off the chair he was standing on.
Last night at the Democratic National Convention Dennis Kucinich gave a rousing speech.
You know your convention is lame when Dennis Kucinich is the most dynamic speaker.
We’re learning more and more every day about Obama’s vice presidential pick, Joe Biden.
Here’s what we know so far: he’s be doing the same job for the last 30 years, he can be cranky with his staff and he has hair plugs. It’s like I have a twin.
Yesterday there was a major glitch in an FAA computer system that led to major delays in airports across the country.
Here’s how bad it was: people flying JetBlue had to wait up to 8 hours before they could get on a plane and wait 8 hours.
Good news: the poverty rate in New York City is way down.
The poverty rate has gotten so low that the homeless guy in front of our theater commutes in from New Jersey.
American Idol announced this week that they’re adding a fourth judge to the show, songwriter Kara DioGuardi.
Here’s the deal: her vote will count as much as Paula Abdul’s, but Paula still gets first crack at sleeping with the contestants.
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August 26, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:12 am UTC
The Democratic national Convention opened yesterday in Denver.
I’ve been watching the convention and, honestly, it was much better when Billy Crystal was hosting it.
The Democratic national Convention opened yesterday in Denver.
Day one went well – the Chinese won 10 more gold medals.
The Democratic national Convention opened yesterday in Denver.
So far there’s been a lot of hooping and hollering and screaming – and that’s just Howard Dean.
The Democratic national Convention opened yesterday in Denver.
Everybody’s got convention fever; earlier today Eliot Spitzer hired a girl named Unity.
Hillary Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.
In her speech she thanked all of her supporters and loved ones – and she thanked Bill too.
Hillary Clinton spoke earlier tonight at the Democratic National Convention.
So, for one night, at least, I don’t have the worst pants suit on television.
Ted Kennedy spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night.
Ted looked great. They say he’s lost so much weight he had to borrow a pants suit from Hillary.
Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg wants to put windmills on top of skyscrapers and bridges.
I’m thinking if he wants to harness a lot of useless wind he should put a windmill on the set of The View.
Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg wants to put windmills all over the place.
He wants to put windmills on top of all of our large structures, like skyscrapers, bridges and Rosie O’Donnell.
Prosecutors in California said yesterday that they’re not going to charge Andy Dick with sexual assault for an incident last month.
Apparently the only think he’s guilty of is being a Dick.
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August 25, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:38 am UTC
MONDAY: The Beijing Olympics officially ended last night.
As part of the closing ceremony the Chinese gave London the Olympic flag for 2012 – dry cleaned, extra starch.
MONDAY: As part of the Olympic closing ceremonies last night the Chinese gave London the Olympic flag for 2012.
The way it worked was Chinese Olympic officials handed over the flag and the London Olympic officials handed over the ticket.
MONDAY: Out in Denver today the Democratic National Convention started.
Things got off to an awkward start when Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton showed up in the same pants suit.
MONDAY: Out in Denver today the Democratic National Convention started.
The convention is an amazing collection of races and colors – and that’s just Obama.
MONDAY: Out in Denver today the Democratic National Convention started.
I think Obama’s getting a little cocky; yesterday he arrived in Denver on a donkey.
MONDAY: Barack Obama has picked Joe Biden as his running mate.
Obama said he picked Biden over Hillary because he has more experience in the Senate, he’s less controversial and because he wears nicer pants suits.
MONDAY: Barack Obama has picked Joe Biden as his running mate.
He picked Biden over Hillary; I believe she hasn’t been rejected like that since Bill picked Monica.
MONDAY: Barack Obama has picked Joe Biden as his running mate.
Joe Biden is 65 years old and he’s been in the Senate for 35 years – or, as John McCain calls him, a young punk.
MONDAY: Barack Obama has picked Joe Biden as his running mate.
He was chosen after being fully vetted by Oprah.
MONDAY: Barack Obama has picked Joe Biden as his running mate.
Having Joe Biden on the ticket should really help Obama cut into John McCain’s lead among cranky old white guys.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 77 today.
For his birthday all of his friends got together and chipped in to give him the only money he didn’t already have.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: John McCain turns 72 today.
His family threw him a big surprise birthday party. Actually, technically it wasn’t a surprise party; as soon as he arrived he said “Wait, why did I come in here again?”
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson turns 50 today.
He’s in great shape for 50. In fact, his doctor says he has the body of a much younger woman.
FRIDAY: Labor Day weekend is coming up.
Mom’s in town for Labor Day weekend, so last night I marked the levels in all the bottles of booze.
Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg says that he wants to put windmills on top of skyscrapers and bridges.
Mayor Bloomberg really wants to make the city green. Earlier today he also announced another plan to convert to hybrid hookers.
Britney Spears has gone a diet and lost a bunch of weight.
Friends say it’s the most unwanted pounds she’s dropped since she dumped K-Fed.
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August 7, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:35 am UTC
President Bush is in Beijing for the opening of the Olympics.
He’ll be spending the next couple of days watching sports and relaxing – in other words the same thing he’s been doing for the last 8 years.
The U.S. Olympic bicycling team arrived in Beijing wearing face masks because of the smog.
The Chinese were offended but on the bright side the masks were made in China.
Brett Favre has approved a trade to the New York Jets.
The deal is pending a physical so he can have his head examined.
Brett Favre has been traded to the New York Jets.
Brett’s already busy learning the Jets way; earlier today he was practicing his excuses.
Brett Favre has been traded to the New York Jets.
The deal happened late last night and I believe the first people to know about it were – the Patriots.
Down in Cuba Osama bin Laden’s former driver was convicted of supporting terrorism.
Here at the possible penalties he’s facing: life in prison and a permanent ban on driving crazy leaders of terror organizations.
Down in Cuba this week they finished the trial of Osama bin Laden’s former driver.
The bad news is he was convicted of supporting terrorism but the good news is he was found not guilty of conspiracy to commit an illegal left turn.
Sad news: Larry King is getting divorced for the 7th time.
He’s gotten divorced so many times he now gets his divorce lawyers from Costco.
It was one year ago today that Barry Bonds hit his 756th home run.
He finished with 762 – no, wait, I’m sorry, that was his hat size.
It was one year ago today that Barry Bonds broke Hank Aaron’s home run record.
The funny thing is usually a guy gets a big head AFTER he breaks a record like that.
Over in London archaeologists have found the remains of the theatre where Romeo and Juliet was first performed.
It’s over 400 years old and the only original part left is the foundation – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Cher.
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August 6, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:32 am UTC
Over in China they’re getting ready for the Olympics to start on Friday.
Because of all the visitors coming they’ve been busy trying to reduce the levels of MSG – and that’s just in the air.
The Olympics start in Beijing on Friday.
They’ve added some new sports this year, like the two-man Press and Starch.
President Bush is in Asia this week.
He’s there to visit American Olympic athletes and jobs.
Celebrity birthdays; Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey turns 51 today.
Even though he’s 51 they say he can still have group sex like a much younger man.
Good news: New York City is now America’s number one tourist destination.
That’s right, more people come here to visit than anywhere else in the United States – and we’re proud to say that most of them make it home.
Gas prices are still coming down.
Here’s how much gas prices have come down in the last week or two: mom has started driving her Hummer again.
John Gotti Jr. was arrested again yesterday for attempted murder, racketeering and drug trafficking.
I’m telling you this is really the kind of thing that could give the Gotti family a bad name.
John Gotti Jr. was arrested again yesterday for attempted murder, racketeering ad drug trafficking.
Apparently in underworld he was known as the “capo di tutti dumbasses.”
Paris Hilton has put out her own presidential campaign video as a joke.
Have you seen it? It’s just like a real campaign video, but with more sex.
Paris Hilton has put out her own presidential campaign video as a joke.
When I first saw it, I thought it was a obviously a joke but then I thought, well, George Bush got elected…
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August 5, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:13 am UTC
Yesterday Barack Obama laid out his energy plans for the country.
Not to be outdone earlier today John McCain laid out his plans to conserve energy – but his plans involves taking more naps.
Yesterday Barack Obama laid out his plans to solve the energy crisis.
Not to be outdone earlier today John McCain laid out his plans to solve the Brett Favre crisis.
John McCain admitted this week that he doesn’t know how to use the Internet.
He said the most complicated piece of technology he knows how to use is the Clapper.
John McCain admitted this week that he doesn’t know how to use the Internet.
It’s no like the guy doesn’t know technology. After all he used to fly jets and he once worked for Thomas Edison.
President Bush arrived in South Korea earlier today.
So, for one day, Kim Jong Il wasn’t the least popular leader in Korea.
I finally saw the new Batman movie today.
I really liked it but what I enjoyed the most was that, for a couple of hours, I wasn’t the biggest joker on the screen.
Scientists in Africa announced this week that they’ve discovered 125,000 gorillas in a forest in Congo that they didn’t know were there.
They say it’s the best news for gorillas since Arnold Schwarzenegger was elected governor.
On this day in 1884 they laid the cornerstone of the Statue of Liberty.
That’s right, in 1884 they first laid the Statue of Liberty – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Joan Rivers.
JetBlue airlines is now charging $7 for an in-flight blanket.
For $7 you get something made of cotton and natural fibers – no, wait, that’s the in-flight snack.
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August 4, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:29 am UTC
MONDAY: Brett Favre reported to the Green Bay Packers training camp today.
Observers said they haven’t seen so many people unhappy about a guy returning to work since I came back from my heart attack.
MONDAY: Brett Favre reported to the Green Bay Packers training camp today.
The Packers told him he was welcome to be there but that he would only be a backup – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s what NBC told Jay Leno.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Patriots quarterback Tom Brady turns 31 today.
He celebrated with his girlfriend Gisele Bundchen which is nice because, really, what guy wouldn’t like a Bundchen for his birthday?
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Roger Clemens turns 46 today.
Earlier today, out of habit, he denied having birthday cake.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Roger Clemens turns 46 today.
You can tell Roger’s getting a little older; earlier today he tested positive for Centrum Silver.
FRIDAY: Earlier tonight in Beijing they had the opening ceremony of the Olympics.
It was amazing. The skies over Beijing were full of yellows and reds and blues – and then there were the fireworks.
FRIDAY President Bush was in Beijing today for the opening of the Olympics.
He’s in China for the opening ceremony and for a few days of site seeing. It’s just like his National Guard service.
FRIDAY President Bush was in Beijing today for the opening of the Olympics.
He said he was looking forward to the Olympics and to meeting Chinese leaders like President Hu Jintao and General Tso.
FRIDAY: The Olympics started today over in Beijing.
There’s already trouble; earlier today the U.S. track team tested positive for hoisin sauce.
FRIDAY: The Olympics started today over in Beijing.
For the next two weeks we’ll see which country has the most skilled, talented and hard working pharmacists.
Barack Obama and John McCain have agreed to hold three debates this fall.
Each candidate had their own demands: Obama demanded only three debates and McCain demanded nap breaks.
People magazine is paying Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie $14 million for pictures of their new twins.
Angelina’s got big plans for the money; $14 million will buy at least two more orphans.
A 1909 Honus Wagner baseball card just sold for $1.62 million.
That’s right, $1.6 million for the most famous baseball card in the world – and a really old piece of gum.
A university in London has published world’s top 10 oldest jokes.
This is interesting: 6 of the top 10 oldest jokes are still in Joan Rivers’ act.
A university in London has published world’s top 10 oldest jokes.
The world’s oldest recorded joke is from 1900 B.C. in Sumeria and it involves Joan Rivers’s first husband.
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