Chumworth on the News – 2008

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

July 31, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:40 am UTC

Bad news here in New York; we’ve got big budget deficits.

Everybody’s tightening their belts. Even Hillary Clinton said she’d start buying her pants suits off the rack.

Yesterday here in New York Gov. Paterson said the budget is in such bad shape we may need to sell off our roads, bridges ad tunnels.

The sell-off has already started. Earlier today they listed the Major Deegan Expressway on eBay.

Today is the trading deadline for major league baseball.

I love all the trade talk this time of year. The craziest rumor was a three-way involving Alex Rodriguez and Madonna and a player-to-be named later.

Over in New Jersey this week they found a 44-pound stray cat.

Here’s how big this cat is: in order to clean out the litter box you need a backhoe.

Over in New Jersey this week they found a 44-pound stray cat.

The people that fond the cat gave her a cute nickname: Rosie.

Over in New Jersey this week they found a 44-pound stray cat.

That shows the difference between New Jersey and New York City. Over there a 44-pound cat makes news. Here, we have rats bigger than that.

John McCain has a new ad out in which he compares Barack Obama to Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.

Obama immediately counterattacked with an ad that compares John McCain to Wilford Brimley.

Over in Beijing they’re trying to reduce the smog for the Olympics.

Here’s how desperate they are to improve the air quality. From now until the Olympics they’ve banned the following things: driving, industrial production and eating spicy food.

Yesterday on a flight from Atlanta to Los Angeles they found a dead body in the bathroom.

Apparently what happened was a flight attendant smelled a nasty, foul odor coming from one bathroom – and then somebody found the body in a different bathroom.

A guy in Wisconsin has is selling a jet pack that weighs 250 pounds and can carry one passenger for up to 30 miles.

It costs $100,000 – and each additional bag costs $25.

A guy in Wisconsin has is selling a jet pack that weighs 250 pounds and can carry one passenger for up to 30 miles.

The base model costs $100,000, but for $150,000 you can get a higher end model that doesn’t make you connect through Pittsburgh.

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July 30, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:36 am UTC

It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.

It was so nice today that Senator Ted Stevens was accepting illegal gifts in Central Park.

It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.

It was so nice today that Jerry Lewis tried smuggling a gun into Central Park.

Jerry Lewis was caught trying to carry a gun onto a plane in Detroit yesterday.

He was cited for carrying a concealed weapon and flammable material – his hair.

Yesterday in Los Angeles there was a magnitude-5.8 earthquake.

Here’s how strong it was: it was so strong that Shia LaBeouf stayed on the road.

Yesterday in Los Angeles there was a magnitude-5.8 earthquake.

To put that into perspective, a magnitude-5.8 earthquake causes about as much damage as Shai LaBeouf after a few drinks.

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been indicted for concealing gifts.

President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea Alaska had senators.

Alaska Senator Ted Stevens has been indicted for concealing gifts.

Apparently he failed to report $250,000 worth of gifts from an oil company, including renovations to his igloo.

Bad news here in New York: yesterday Mayor Bloomberg said that the city will have a $2.3 billion deficit this year.

Here’s how bad it is in New York: earlier today the city laid off 30 hookers.

Scientists say a seven square mile chunk of ice has broken off form the Artic ice shelf.

The good news is there’s a lot more open beach in the Artic now.

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July 29, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:32 am UTC

It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.

It was so nice today that the Packers traded Brett Favre for Al Roker.

Brett Favre now says that he wants to play again but the Packers say he can’t start for them anymore.

Here are the options for Brett: he can be a backup for the Packers, he can demand a trade to another team, or he can take over the late night slot on ABC.

John McCain had a mole removed from face yesterday.

It’s the first potentially dangerous thing a candidate has had removed since Obama got rid of Hillary.

The White House announced yesterday that the federal budget deficit for next year will be $482 billion, a record high.

So there’s a big Mission Accomplished!

The White House announced yesterday that the budget deficit for next year will be $482 billion, a record high.

Here’s how the budget deficit breaks down: $100 billion for defense, $100 billion for Social Security and $282 billion for chaw.

Earlier today Russian scientists reached the bottom of the deepest freshwater lake in the world.

Here’s how deep it is: they say it’s an even deeper hole than the one Green Bay Packers are in.

Amy Winehouse was in a London hospital earlier this week for an adverse reaction to medication.

This was her second London hospital stay in a month. Next month she’ll begin a tour of U.S. hospitals.

Amy Winehouse was in a London hospital earlier this week for an adverse reaction to medication.

Here was the problem: she had some prescription medication and she actually used it properly.

Ryan Seacrest says he was bitten by a shark over the weekend.

He didn’t give a lot of detail. All he said was “Seacrest … BITTEN!”

Ryan Seacrest says he was bitten by a shark over the weekend.

He said it was the scariest encounter he’s had since Paula Abdul cornered him at last year’s holiday party.

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July 28, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:31 am UTC

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Alex Rodriguez turned 33 yesterday.

Madonna gave him something – but his doctors say antibiotics should clear it right up.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Alex Rodriguez turned 33 yesterday.

He had a great party – he was 3-for-4 at the piñata.

MONDAY: Congratulations to former Yankee pitcher Goose Gossage whose was inducted into the baseball hall of fame yesterday.

Goose isn’t his actual first name. Do you know his real fist name? That’s right – Gander.

MONDAY: Congratulations to former Yankee pitcher Goose Gossage whose was inducted into the baseball hall of fame yesterday.

He says the key to his success was lots of sweat, lots of Ben Gay and lots of rosin – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s the key to the Yankee Stadium hot dogs.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: MTV turns 27 today.

Who remembers the original MTV VJs? Let’s see, there was Martha Quinn, JJ Jackson and Regis.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: MTV turns 27 today.

Kids today may not realize this but back when MTV first started, for a little while there, they actually played music.

Have you noticed that gas prices are coming down?

Gas prices have come down so much that today, for the first time in weeks, I filled up at a gas station rather than siphon from my neighbor.

NFL training camps opened this week.

They’re back at it sweating, practicing, looking at videtape – and those are just the Patriots’ video guys.

Brett Favre says now that he’s unretiring and he wants to play again.

The Packers say he can’t start for them anymore – they already promised the job to Conan O’Brien.

Brett Favre says now that he’s unretiring and he wants to play again.

First he’s retired then he’s not retired. I haven’t seen somebody have this much trouble giving up football since Rosie O’Donnell.

Over in Central Park they’re offering hot air balloon rides.

It costs $25 for a 10-minute ride. It’s the same deal the hookers in Times Square offer.

Over in Central Park they’re offering hot air balloon rides.

It costs $25 for a 10-minute ride. I’m thinking, if I want spend $25 for a 10-minute, life-threatening ride, I’ll just jump in a cab.

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July 24, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:28 am UTC

It was a wet, rainy, nasty day here in New York today.

It was so bad today that Robert Novak ran over Al Roker.

Down in Guantanamo, Cuba this week they’re trying Osama bin Laden’s former driver.

After this trial is over they’ll be trying his former massage therapist.

Down in Guantanamo, Cuba this week they’re trying Osama bin Laden’s former driver.

He’s on trial for crimes against AAA.

Down in Guantanamo, Cuba this week they’re trying Osama bin Laden’s former driver.

Thanks to the trial we’re already learning a lot more about Osama bin Laden. For example, he’s a lousy tipper.

Celebrity birthdays: Barry Bonds turns 44 today.

At his birthday party they played pin the tail on the donkey with his steroid needles.

Celebrity birthdays: Barry Bonds turns 44 today.

You can tell he had a really fancy birthday cake because earlier today he tested positive for fondant.

The national minimum wage went up today by 70 cents.

That means for the first time since 1997 my staff will get a raise.

Over in London this week Madame Tussauds unveiled a wax version of Amy Winehouse.

Here are the specs: it’s 6 feet tall and made of wax and cotton – and that’s just her hair.

25 years ago today over at Yankee Stadium was the famous George Brett pine tar incident.

It was the most over-the-top, out-of-control, outburst by a jock until Rosie O’Donnell joined The View.

25 years ago today over at Yankee Stadium was the famous George Brett pine tar incident.

Things have changed a lot since then. These days the only pine tar you’ll find at Yankee Stadium is in the hot dogs.

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July 23, 2008.

Web Posted at: 8:54 am UTC

It was another humid day here in New York City today.

It was so humid today that Batman assaulted Al Roker’s mother.

There’s reportedly a sex tape out of Alex Rodriguez and Madonna.

They say it’s not flattering to A Rod’s; apparently he makes two errors.

There’s reportedly a sex tape out of Alex Rodriguez and Madonna.

They say Madonna looks a little older in the video; apparently the first part of the tape is her taking out her teeth.

Last week President Bush said the problem with the economy is that Wall Street got drunk.

Well, he would know.

John McCain may announce his running mate soon.

They say he’s looking for someone who’s younger and more energetic. Hell, even I fit that bill.

It was on this date in 1903 that Ford sold their first car.

That first car, the Model A, sold for $750. Nowadays that barely fills the tank.

Good news: fans are now allowed to bring sunscreen into Yankee Stadium.

That’s good because the hot dogs haven’t tasted the same without it.

Celebrity birthdays: Monica Lewinsky turns 35 today.

Friends who saw her blow out her candles say she hasn’t lost anything off her fastball.

Celebrity birthdays: Monica Lewinsky turns 35 today.

She’s getting a little older now; apparently she can’t get down on knees like she used to.

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July 22, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:34 am UTC

It’s hot here in New York City again.

It was so hot today that the Giants traded Jeremy Shockey for a Slurpee.

It’s hot here in New York City again.

It was so hot today that Donald Trump bought an Italian Ice for that thing on his head.

It’s hot here in New York City again.

It was so hot today that over at St. Patrick’s the priests were pouring holy water on their heads..

John McCain made an appearance at Yankee Stadium the other night.

He was there to throw out the ceremonial first hip.

Earlier this week the New York Times rejected an essay by John McCain that was a response to an essay by Barack Obama.

I’m not sure who’s going to win the election but I’m just excited about finally having a president who can write an essay.

Yesterday a federal court threw out the FCC’s $550,000 fine against CBS for Janet Jackson’s wardrobe malfunction.

So I guess that means that I’m once again CBS’s most costly mistake.

Yesterday Roger Ebert announced that he’s leaving Ebert & Roeper.

He said he didn’t want to leave, but the deal was the job goes to Conan in 2009.

Yesterday both Roger Ebert and Richard Roeper announced that they’re leaving Ebert & Roeper.

Disney hasn’t picked new hosts yet, but they’re already busy auditioning guys named Ebert and Roeper.

Earlier this week astronomers announced that they’ve discovered a new dwarf planet in the solar system.

This is the third new dwarf planet they’ve discovered. In fact, they’ve given these new dwarf planets a special name – tomcruiseoids.

Scientists in Peru recently found a well-preserved 1,000-year-old mummy.

They say the mummy is so well preserved that he looks just like he did the day that Larry King began broadcasting.

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July 21, 2008.

Web Posted at: 9:32 am UTC