Chumworth on the News – 2008

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are now campaigning together.

Barack and Hillary are a lot like Bill and Hillary- they spend all day campaigning together and then at night he goes to bed with another woman.

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are now campaigning together.

You can tell Hillary is already having an influence on him. Earlier today he hired a chubby intern.

Here in New York a Danish artist has installed four huge waterfalls in the East River.

Manhattan is now like a rainforest; earlier today I saw a toucan nesting in that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

Earlier today President Bush said he’s going to remove North Korea from the Axis of Evil.

Now that the Axis Evil is down from Iran, Iraq and North Korea to just Iran, President Bush said it will now be called the “Unicycle of Evil.”

Celebrity birthdays: the Cyclone roller coaster on Coney Island turns 81 today.

I believe the only thing that’s given more people a good ride over the last 81 years is Barbara Walters.

Celebrity birthdays: the Cyclone roller coaster on Coney Island turns 81 today.

81 years old and still providing each person that gets on with a thrill – just like Barbara Walters.

Celebrity birthdays: Derek Jeter turns 34 today.

He’s 34 years old and has been at Yankee Stadium for 12 years now – just like the hot dogs.

It was 45 years ago today that President Kennedy made his famous “Ich bin ein Berliner” speech in Berlin.

Those were the days when we had a president who could speak a foreign language. These days I’d just settle for a president who could speak our language.

It was 45 years ago today that President Kennedy made his famous “Ich bin ein Berliner” speech in Berlin.

In honor of that down in Washington today a confused President Bush pardoned a strudel.

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Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are now campaigning together.

Earlier today they had an embarrassing moment when they each walked out on stage wearing the same pants suit.

Barack Obama is asking his supporters to help pay off Hillary Clinton’s campaign debts.

He made the first donation himself – he lent her an old pants suit.

The Democrats are saying that their convention in Denver this summer is going to be completely green.

Hillary Clinton is on board with that. She’s planning on wearing a biodegradable pants suit.

This week we learned that Barack Obama’s iPod is filled with artists from his youth, like Bob Dylan, the Rolling Stones and Stevie Wonder.

We also learned that John McCain’s iPod is filled with artists from his youth: Beethoven, Mozart, Bach.

Bad news: the murder rate here in New York City is way up this year.

The good news is there’s never been a better time to be a chalk outline guy.

The Health Department says that 11% of New Yorkers have had sex with more than one partner in the past year.

Not me, I’m a one-woman guy, mainly because she’s the only hooker left that takes a check.

It was 60 years ago today that the Berlin Airlift started.

And today FEMA finally showed up.

It was 60 years ago today that the Berlin Airlift started.

The airlift went on for almost 11 months and when it was all over President Eisenhower hung up a big “Mission Accomplished” sign.

The government says home prices were way down in April.

I can tell the housing market here in New York is way down. For months now there’s been a For Sale sign in front of Grant’s Tomb.

The government announced this week that real estate prices fell at a record rate in April.

The real estate market is so bad earlier today they repossessed that thing on Donald Trump’s head.

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Here in New York City over in Central Park we’re having a problem with snapping turtles.

New Yorkers are tough though. Earlier today a turtle snapped at Donald Trump and that thing on his head snapped back.

Here in New York City over in Central Park we’re having a problem with snapping turtles.

These turtles can be 26 inches tall and snap at any moment – just like Tom Cruise.

Out in California this week they’re having a real heat wave.

It was so hot in Los Angeles today that George Takei married Mr. Softee.

Out in California this week they’re having a real heat wave.

It was so hot in Los Angeles today that Ellen DeGeners married the Dairy Queen.

Out in California this week they’re having a real heat wave.

It was so hot in Los Angeles today that Phil Spector shot Al Roker.

Donatella Versace has designed a new line of clothes inspired by Barack Obama.

John McCain has also inspired a line of clothing – but his are made by depends.

Donatella Versace has designed a new line of clothes inspired by Barack Obama.

Hillary Clinton has also inspired a line of clothing – as a matter of fact I’m wearing one of her pants suits right now.

Scientists in Switzerland say they’ve developed a new drug to cure shyness.

I thought we already had that – it’s called alcohol.

Amy Winehouse’s doctor says that she has emphysema from smoking crack.

Apparently it’s pretty serious. They say if she doesn’t quit her hair may have to go on a respirator.

Boy George has been denied a visa to come to the U.S. this summer because of legal issues.

So England denied Martha Stewart a visa and now we’ve denied Boy George a visa. I’d say we win that one.

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MONDAY: George Carlin died yesterday of a heart attack at the age of 71.

Earlier today Caesar’s Palace named Tom Brokaw as his interim replacement.

MONDAY: NBC has named Tom Brokaw as the interim host of “Meet the Press.”

Here’s the deal: he’ll host the show for the rest of the year and then in 2009 Conan O’Brien will take over.

FRIDAY: It was four years ago tomorrow that we officially handed over control of Iraq to the Iraqis.

That’s amazing – it seems like only yesterday that Iraq was a mess.

FRIDAY: Here in Manhattan an artist has built four huge waterfalls into the East River.

Have you seen them? They’re amazing: every minute over the falls there goes 35,000 gallons of water – and at least one dead body.

FRIDAY: Today is the 41st anniversary of the world’s first ATM.

It’s also the 41st anniversary of the first time a guy forgot his PIN.

FRIDAY: Today is the 41st anniversary of the world’s first ATM.

ATM’s have come a long way since then. Today’s ATMs are packed full of high tech equipment. That first ATM was just a little person in a box.

Martha Stewart was denied a visa to visit Britain due to her criminal record.

Is it just me, or does this make her even sexier?

Martha Stewart was denied a visa to visit Britain due to her criminal record.

The good news is there’s one place she’ll always have a visa to: my heart.

Martha Stewart was denied a visa to visit Britain due to her criminal record.

Martha wasn’t available for comment; she’s hiding out in the mountainous region of Connecticut.

It’s officially summer now which means you have to be careful about the sun.

That’s why I always wear UV-protective clothing. For example, today my hairpiece has an SPF of 85.

Now that gay people can get married in California Ellen DeGeneres is going to marry her girlfriend.

I’m excited about it because Ellen says her best man is either going to be me or Rosie O’Donnell.

Now that gay people can get married in California Ellen DeGeneres is going to marry her girlfriend.

Ellen said she’s looking forward to the wedding, but she’s really looking forward to the bachelor party.

Now that gay people can get married in California Ellen DeGeneres is going to marry her girlfriend.

I have mixed feelings about Ellen getting married. On one hand I’m happy for her, but on the other hand I had vowed I wouldn’t get married again unless Ellen did first.

NASA says that the Phoenix lander has officially found ice on Mars.

They say now that Mars is officially the coldest, most inhospitable place in the solar system – other than this studio.

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Yesterday President Bush said that he was in favor of offshore oil drilling.

Here’s how offshore he’s talking: he wants to drill in Iran.

Hillary Clinton says she’s taking some time off before returning to Congress.

She says it’s going to be early July before she even thinks about putting on a pants suit.

Last night on NBC they had the Celebrity Circus.

On last night’s show officials from the New York Mets played a bunch of clowns.

Last night on NBC they had the Celebrity Circus.

Don’t kid yourself, some of the performers are taking real chance. On last night’s show Antonio Sabato Jr. stuck his inside The View.

This week in California gay marriage officially became legal.

Gay marriage introduces a whole host of new problems, like, what color should the bridesmaids’ tuxedos be?

This week in California gay marriage officially became legal.

Gay marriage introduces a whole host of new problems, like, which best man gets to make the toast?

People magazine has come out with their list of the hottest bachelors.

The good news is I finally made the list this year now that Ellen DeGeneres is getting married.

Burger King is now offering a $200 burger.

On the bright side for only $.99 more you can super-size it.

Celebrity birthdays: Paula Abdul turns 46 today.

Her friends got her one of those big novelty cakes and had a young, male American Idol contestant drop out.

Celebrity birthdays: Paula Abdul turns 46 today.

She had a big party and played her favorite birthday party game: Pin the Tail on the Young Male American Idol Contestant.

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Congratulations to the Boston Celtics who won the NBA title last night.

More god news for Celtic fans: earlier today the NBA announced that the Celtics will win again next year.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are going to start making joint appearances next week.

Here’s the deal: during the day they’ll be on the stage together then at night they’ll sleep in their own rooms – no wait, I’m sorry, that’s Bill and Hillary.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama are going to start making joint appearances next week.

Apparently it took several days of difficult negotiations before they agreed to appear together. It’s the same way they get Bill and Hillary to appear together.

Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee are back together.

Tommy is happy about it and says he really missed them.

Earlier today Michelle Obama was a co-host on The View.

She said she learned a lot by being on the show, like that Hillary Clinton isn’t the biggest bitch in New York.

Earlier today President Bush called for Congress to allow for offshore oil drilling.

I believe he’s the first president in favor of drilling since – Bill Clinton.

John McCain said yesterday that he’s in favor of drilling untapped domestic oil reserves.

He promised that if he’s elected he’ll start drilling in Jerry Lewis’s hair.

Celebrity birthdays: Paul McCartney turns 66 today.

He had a big birthday cake – half of which he had to give to Heather Mills.

Celebrity birthdays: Roger Ebert turns 66 today.

He said he really enjoyed his party, even though the ending was weak.

Joan Rivers was kicked off a British talk show this week for using profanity.

It’s the first time she’s been asked to leave a show since Vaudeville.

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Yesterday former Vice President Al Gore officially endorsed Barack Obama.

Political experts say this should give Obama’s campaign a much needed shot of boredom.

It was a beautiful day here today in New York City.

It was so nice today that the Hulk was rampaging in Central Park.

It was a beautiful day here today in New York City.

It was so nice today that Mets fired their manager at the beach.

The Mets fired Willie Randolph in the middle of the night last night.

It’s the most famous late night firing since NBC got rid of me.

The Mets fired Willie Randolph in the middle of the night last night.

He’s being replaced for the rest of the season by Jerry Manual, then in 2009 the job goes to Conan O’Brien.

President Bush is back from his trip to Europe where he was trying to convince the Europeans to help find Osama bin Laden.

You can tell Bush is getting desperate to catch bin Laden before he leaves office. Earlier today he called to ask the Hulk to help.

Last night President Bush returned from his final trip to Europe as president.

It’s the beginning of his farewell tour. Next month he makes his last trip as president to Disney World.

President Bush is working on his memoirs.

His first task: figure out how to spell “memoir”.

Earlier tonight in Boston they played game 6 of the NBA finals.

We taped this show before the game was played so we don’t know the score. However, the NBA did tell us there would be a game 7.

The Battle of Bunker Hill was on this day in 1775.

It was one of the most famous battles of the Revolutionary War and, I believe, the first time John McCain ever saw action.

On this day in 1885 the Status of Liberty arrived in New York.

It took a crew of several hundred to unload her from the ship they brought her in on. It’s the same way the got Rosie O’Donnell on The View.

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MONDAY: I don’t know if you can tell, but I’m wearing the Father’s Day gift my son got me.

I’ll give you a hint: it’s something men wear, it’s made from silk, and it has to be dry-cleaned. That’s right – it’s my hairpiece.

MONDAY: I had a great Father’s Day.

My son Harry brought me my favorite breakfast in bed: oatmeal, toast, and a big glass of Metamucil.

MONDAY: Yesterday was Father’s Day and everybody here in New York was celebrating.

I saw the Hulk treating his dad to dinner at Applebees.

MONDAY: The Hulk opened this weekend.

It’s got a star-studded cast: Dr. Bruce Banner is played by Ed Norton, Betty Ross is played by Liv Tyler and the Hulk is played by Rosie O’Donnell.

MONDAY: The Hulk opened this weekend.

Ed Norton plays the Hulk and he spent a lot of time researching the role. He spent a whole month following around Rosie O’Donnell.

MONDAY: The Hulk opened this weekend.

You can tell the Hulk’s getting older; in this one the only thing that makes him go on a rampage is the price of prescription drugs.

MONDAY: Last night here on CBS they had the Tony Awards.

Since our theater is on Broadway, this show is eligible for the Tony Awards. Every year I get nominated in the same category: Biggest Drama Queen on Broadway.

MONDAY: Last night the Lakers beat the Celtics to stay alive in the NBA finals.

Good news for Celtic fans, though: earlier today the NBA assured them that the Celtics will win in seven games.

MONDAY: It was a wet, rainy day here in New York City today.

It was so wet today that over in Central Park I saw a squirrel sandbagging his nuts.

FRIDAY: Today is the first day of summer.

It’s officially the longest day of the year – other than when I have my annual colonoscopy.

FRIDAY: Today is the first day of summer.

Everybody here in New York is in summer mode; earlier today the Hulk was rampaging in the Hamptons.

Snoop Dogg’s wife was arrested this weekend for driving under the influence.

The police who stopped her said she was totally fa-shizzled.

McDonald’s said this week that they’re going to start serving tomatoes again.

They said they’re confident that nobody will get salmonella from tomatoes, since that’s what the French fries are for.

A judge has reduced the amount of money Leona Helmsley’s dog inherits from $12 million to $2 million.

The dog is already cutting back. Earlier today he put his doghouse in the Hamptons up for sale.

Here in New York City they’re making an opera out of “Brokeback Mountain.”

They say you’ll know it over when Rosie O’Donnell sings.

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Good news: only six people were killed by the heat wave here in New York City this week.

Six people killed, that’s nothing. That’s like an average night at Yankee Stadium.

Here in New York the Chrysler Building is being sold.

It’s a good deal: it costs $800 million and comes with a 3-year/36,000 mile warranty.

Here in New York the Chrysler Building is being sold.

It costs $800 million – or $850 million with the undercoating.

It was 14 years ago today that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were murdered.

On the bright side, it’s been 14 years since O.J. has killed anybody.

Good news: the average life expectancy here in the U.S. is now up by four months to 78 years.

The bad news is the increase is completely due to Andy Rooney.

Celebrity birthdays: former President George H.W. Bush turns 84 today.

I don’t want to say he’s old but after he blew out the candles on his cake President Bush hung up a Mission Accomplished banner.

Celebrity birthdays: former President George H.W. Bush turns 84 today.

84 years old or, as John McCain calls him, Sonny.

John McCain’s daughter Meghan is writing a children’s book about her father.

The working title is “Where the Old Things Are.”

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It was another hot day today.

It was so hot today that Hillary Clinton endorsed Ben & Jerry.

It was another hot day today.

It was so hot today that Hillary Clinton conceded to Al Gore.

It was another hot day today.

It was hot today that Barack Obama picked Ben & Jerry as his running mate.

It was another hot day today.

It was so hot today Al Roker entered the witness protection program.

We’ve been in the middle of a heat wave here in New York since the weekend.

I tell you I’ve had more hot flashes in the last three days than Rosie O’Donnell.

Here in New York City the power grid has held up well during this heat wave.

The only people that experienced a power outage this week were the Mets.

Hillary Clinton is finally out of the presidential race but now she’s heavily in debt.

The good news is Bill has a plan to pay off the debt – he’s offered to become a gigolo.

McDonald’s has eliminated tomatoes from its menu due to a salmonella outbreak.

That’s too bad because, really, when you think McDonald’s, you think fresh produce.

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It was another hot and humid day today here in New York City.

It was 102 and disagreeble – just like Andy Rooney.

It was another hot and humid day today here in New York City.

It was 102 and steamy – just like Barbara Walters.

It was another hot and humid day today here in New York City.

It was 102 and oppressive – just like Fidel Castro.

It was another hot and humid day today here in New York City.

It was so hot today that thing on Donald Trump’s head was drinking out of the toilet.

I have a special trick to keeping cool in this heat.

What I do is, for an hour before I leave for work, I put my hairpiece in the freezer.

President Bush is Europe this week.

It’s his last trip to Europe as president. He’s a little sad about it – he says Europe is one of his favorite countries.

President Bush is Europe this week.

He’s a little sad about it; this will probably be his last visit as president to Euro Disney.

Celebrity birthdays: former Governor Eliot Spitzer turns 49 today.

Earlier today he celebrated with loved ones – and tomorrow he’ll celebrate with his wife.

Celebrity birthdays: former Governor Eliot Spitzer turns 49 today.

He spent the day making merry – and Kristen, and Victoria…

Gas prices are now officially over $4 a gallon.

Here’s how high gas prices have gotten: earlier today Dale Ernhardt Jr. announced he’s switching to a Prius.

McDonald’s announced this week that they’ve eliminated tomatoes from their menu due to a salmonella outbreak.

Earlier today, just to be extra safe, they announced they’ve eliminated all food from their menu.

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MONDAY: This weekend Hillary Clinton officially endorsed Barack Obama.

She’s already working hard to help him win. Earlier today she lent him a bunch of her pants suits.

MONDAY: This weekend Hillary Clinton officially endorsed Barack Obama.

Even Bill has agreed to help Obama. Earlier today Bill lent him his best intern.

MONDAY: This weekend Hillary Clinton officially suspended her campaign for president.

She suspended her campaign, which means basically it’s over, but legally it’s still alive just for political and financial purposes – just like her marriage.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Joan Rivers turned 75 yesterday.

Joan has the face of a much younger woman – and the receipts to prove it.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Joan Rivers turned 75 yesterday.

Here’s how long Joan Rivers has been around: she got her start doing standup at Ye Olde Comedy Store.

FRIDAY: The Incredible Hulk opened earlier today.

Have you seen it? It’s about a mild mannered scientist who turns into a raging hulk and eventually gets a job on The View.

FRIDAY: The Incredible Hulk opened earlier today.

Have you seen it? It’s about a mild mannered scientist who turns into a raging hulk and eventually becomes the governor of California.

FRIDAY: The Incredible Hulk opened earlier today.

Have you seen it? It’s about a mild mannered scientist who, under times of extreme stress turns into the governor of California.

FRIDAY: Father’s Day is coming up this weekend.

Me and a few other celebrity dads are going to celebrate by getting together with our kids in the park. It’ll be me, Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell…

FRIDAY: Happy Friday the 13th!

In honor of Friday the 13th over the Hello Deli it’s half off the black cat.

FRIDAY: Happy Friday the 13th!

I got a little nervous this morning because a big, black cat crossed my path. The good news is it turned out to be a rat.