Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
May 22, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:34 am UTC
The new Indiana Jones movie opened earlier today.
You can tell Indiana Jones is getting a little older. This one is called “Indiana Jones and the Enlarged Prostate.”
Everybody here in New York has Indiana Jones fever.
Donald Trump had that thing on his head styled into the shape of a fedora.
Everybody here in New York has Indiana Jones fever.
Earlier today my cab driver was wearing a fedora-shaped turban.
It’s Fleet Week here in New York City.
All sorts of naval ships have docked here in Manahattan; I believe it’s the most tonnage to come to New York since Rosie O’Donnell joined The View.
Everybody here in New York has Fleet Week fever.
Earlier today my cab driver smelled like brine.
The Yankees are moving Joba Chamberlain to the starting rotation.
Here’s how bad the Yankees pitching is this year: his replacement in the bullpen Billy Crystal.
Celebrity birthdays: the Brooklyn Bridge turns 125 today.
Here’s an interesting Brooklyn Bridge trivia fact: it’s had more people on it than Pam Anderson.
Good news: smoking rates here in New York City are at their lowest levels in 50 years.
Everybody here in New York City is quitting smoking. Earlier today in Central Park I saw a squirrel putting a nicotine patch on his nuts.
Here in New York City they’re now going to close subway bathrooms at midnight.
The good news is you can still pee right on the trains.
A restaurant here in Manhattan is offering a $175 hamburger.
The good news about $175 hamburgers is that when I take my girlfriend out for dinner I no longer look like such a cheapskate.
Here in New York they’ve recalculated the land mass of the city from 322 square miles to 305 square miles.
What they did was they used thousands of digital, high-resolution aerial pictures to estimate its size. It’s the same way they measure the size of Michael Moore.
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May 21, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:30 am UTC
Yesterday Hillary Clinton won the Kentucky primary.
She was so excited about it that at her victory speech she was wearing a bluegrass pants suit.
Today I saw a sure sign that it’s Fleet Week here in New York City.
Over in Central Park I saw a squirrel battening down his nuts.
Today I saw a sure sign that it’s Fleet Week here in New York City.
Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were swabbing down the altar boys.
It was on this date in 1927 that Charles Lindbergh completed the first solo flight across the Atlantic.
Before that, I believe all flights across the Atlantic had to go through Pittsburgh.
It was on this date in 1927 that Charles Lindbergh completed the first solo flight across the Atlantic.
It took him 33 hours and he made the trip with no heat, no bathroom and just a couple of snacks. It’s just like flying JetBlue.
Harrison Ford recently had his chest waxed for a public service ad about deforestation.
Apparently the ad was such a hit they’re going to make another one with Rosie O’Donnell.
A restaurant here in Manhattan is offering a $175 hamburger.
I’m thinking if I wanted to pay $175 for a hamburger I’ll just go to Yankee Stadium.
A restaurant here in Manhattan is offering a $175 hamburger.
I believe it’s the most expensive piece of meat here in New York, outside of Times Square.
Good news: smoking rates here in New York City are at their lowest levels in 50 years.
The bad news is we depend on smoking to thin the herd.
Good news: smoking rates here in New York City are at their lowest levels in 50 years.
Here’s how low the smoking rate has gotten here in New York City: when I want to have sex, I no longer have to ask for a non-smoking hooker.
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May 20, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:36 am UTC
Barack Obama’s strategy now is to ignore Hillary Clinton and concentrate on John McCain.
It’s not bothering Hillary – she’s used to being ignored by men.
They say that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is out of money.
Here’s how bad it’s gotten: earlier today Bill agreed to lend her ten more pants suits.
Earlier today they had the Kentucky and Oregon primaries.
Here’s how desperate Hillary was to win: under her pants suit she was wearing a gold thong.
Fleet Week here in New York City starts tomorrow.
So right now thousands of uniformed personnel are on their way to New York – and those just the hookers.
It’s Fleet Week here in New York City.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering they’re annual Fleet Week special – for $50 they’ll hoist your mizzenmast.
Everybody’s got Fleet Week fever.
Earlier today Barbara Walters admitted that she once had an affair with Admiral Nimitz.
Everybody’s got Fleet Week fever.
Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were out in front whistling at first mates.
Gas prices are now almost $4 per gallon.
Here’s how high gas prices have gotten: this weekend at the Indy 500, for the first time ever, the drivers are going to carpool.
Celebrity birthdays: Cher turns 62 today.
Here’s how long Cher’s been around: he first variety show was “DaVinci and Cher.”
Celebrity birthdays: Dr. Death Jack Kevorkian turns 80 today.
He celebrated quietly with family and friends – you know, the ones he hasn’t killed.
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May 19, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:38 am UTC
MONDAY: Over the weekend in Cannes they had the premier of the new Indiana Jones movie.
Harrison Ford was on the red carpet with Calista Flockhart. She was wearing a designer straw.
MONDAY: Now that gay marriage is legal in California Ellen DeGeneres says that she’s going to marry her girlfriend.
She’s going to have a bachelor party with booze, gambling, strippers and whatever else Rosie O’Donnell can think of.
FRIDAY: The new Indiana Jones movie opened today.
Harrison Ford is so old now that he not only plays the Indiana Jones, but he’s also the ancient antiquity.
FRIDAY: The new Indiana Jones movie opened today.
You can tell Indiana Jones is a little older in this one because instead of carrying a whip he carries a bottle of Cialis.
FRIDAY: The new Indiana Jones movie opened today.
You can tell Indiana Jones is a little older in this one. The antiquities he’s looking for are his boyhood toys.
FRIDAY: The new Indiana Jones movie opened today.
You can tell Indiana Jones is a little older in this one. He’s spends most of the movie looking for his teeth.
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May 15, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:32 am UTC
Today I saw a sure sign that it’s allergy season here in New York.
Over in Central Park I saw a squirrel blowing pollen off his nuts.
Today I saw a sure sign that it’s allergy season here in New York.
Down in Times Square the only thing the hookers are wearing is pollen.
Congratulations to Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt who are expecting twins.
So you know what that means – she’s adopting for three now.
President Bush said this week that he gave up playing golf when the Iraq war started out of respect for those serving.
I believe it’s the same thing he did during the Vietnam War.
Yesterday over at Yankee Stadium during graduation ceremonies for New York University, a graduate took off his pants, ran onto the field and ran the bases.
The bad news is he got arrested. The good news is the Yankees signed him for $120 million.
Yesterday over at Yankee Stadium during graduation ceremonies for New York University, a graduate took off his pants, ran onto the field and ran the bases.
I’m thinking that’ll be my son in about 16 years.
A company in Japan has developed a solar-powered bra.
They say it should be able to generate enough electricity to power a cell phone, an iPod or, for Pamela Anderson, Madision Square Garden.
A company in Japan has developed a solar-powered bra.
They say they should be much more efficient than the old diesel ones.
A company in Japan has developed a solar-powered bra.
The good news is these bras can generate enough electricity to power a cell phone or iPod. The bad news is Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton have formed their own cartel.
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May 14, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:34 am UTC
Yesterday Hillary Clinton won big over Barack Obama in the West Virginia primary.
You could tell she was going all out to win because at every campaign stop she was wearing a blue collar pants suit.
Hillary Clinton is still campaigning hard even though most experts say she can’t win the nomination.
They say Hillary continuing to campaign is about as pointless as Hillary wearing a negligee for Bill.
They’re saying that Hillary Clinton’s campaign is in financial trouble.
Here’s how bad things have gotten: earlier today Hillary had to refinance her pants suit.
President Bush left for meetings with friends and allies in the Middle East this week.
So, he should be home any minute now.
President Bush arrived in Israel earlier today.
He’s there looking for matzos of mass destruction.
President Bush arrived in Israel earlier today.
It’s not going well. Right after his arrival a confused President Bush announced “Ich bin ein Jewer!”
President Bush said this week that his biggest fear is being attacked by terrorists.
His second worst fear? Being attacked by Amy Winehouse.
Barbara Walters has a new autobiography out.
It’s got so much sex in it that when I want to have sex now instead of taking Viagra I just read a few chapters of her book.
Archaeologists in Germany think they’ve found the location of the Ark of the Covenant.
The Ark of the Covenant, of course, was supposedly the chest that the Ten Commandments were stored in. I believe it was also Cher’s hope chest.
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May 13, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:42 am UTC
It looks like Barack Obama is a lock to win the Deomcratic nomination.
You can tell he’s getting cocky – he’s started going to church again.
It was a beautiful spring day here in New York City.
It was so nice toady that NBC named Al Roker as Conan O’Brien’s replacement.
Yesterday NBC announced that Jimmy Fallon would replace Conan O’Brien next year.
I called Jimmy and congratulated him and he said, “Thanks – who are you again?”
Hillary Clinton says that she hasn’t given up the fight and that she’s continuing her campaign.
That’s right – she says she’s determined to be Conan’s replacement.
Hillary Clinton says that she hasn’t given up the fight and that she’s continuing her campaign.
She says she’s staying in the race until the last primary or until she runs out of pants suits.
Yesterday the Knicks announced Mike D’Antoni as their new coach.
Here’s the deal: he gets the now and in 2009 it goes to Jimmy Fallon.
Hugh Hefner says that he won’t marry his 28 year-old girlfriend.
The good news he hasn’t ruled out making her his legal guardian.
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May 12, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:33 am UTC
MONDAY: Yesterday was Mother’s Day.
Everybody was excited about Mother’s Day. Over in London they arrested Amy Winehouse’s mother.
MONDAY: Yesterday for Mothers Day I treated mom to brunch at a fancy restaurant.
That’s right â€" I told my assistant to take her wherever she wanted to go.
MONDAY: Now that I’m a big success it’s great to be able to show my mom a nice time on Mother’s Day.
I can’t describe how proud she looks when I take her out to dinner on Mother’s Day and I’m able to get us the best table at the Olive Garden.
MONDAY: Yesterday down in Texas President Bush’ daughter Jenna got married.
President Bush left all of the wedding planning up to other people and had no say in it â€" just like the Iraq war.
MONDAY: Yesterday down in Texas President Bush’ daughter Jenna got married.
At the reception Jenna tossed the bouquet and Dick Cheney shot it out of the air.
MONDAY: Yesterday down in Texas President Bush’ daughter Jenna got married.
I thought this was nice: Dick Cheney helped decorate the couple’s car â€" he tied a couple of detainees to the bumper.
MONDAY: Barack Obama has caught up with Hillary Clinton in superdelegates.
Hillary’s pretty depressed about it. She said she hasn’t felt this rejected since Bill was dating Monica.
MONDAY: Barack Obama has caught up with Hillary Clinton in superdelegates.
Here’s how bad things are looking for Hillary: earlier today Bill endorsed Obama.
MONDAY: Speed Racer opened over the weekend and it was a big disappointment.
It only made $20 million; that didn’t even cover the cost of the gas.
MONDAY: Mike D’Antoni has been named the new coach of the Knicks.
He signed a four-year deal, but it can be reduced to two years with good behavior.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: The pill turned 48 yesterday.
The pill was the best thing to happen to my sex life, other than credit cards.
MONDAY: The price of a first class stamp went up again today.
Here’s how expensive stamps have gotten: it’s actually cheaper now to drive your letter to its destination.
The weather here in New York City has been all over the map.
One day it’s sunny and warm, the next day rainy and cold. It’s driving me crazy because I never know whether to wear my lightweight or heavyweight hairpiece.
It’s graduation season, but I rarely get invited to be a commencement speaker.
The only group of seniors I’ve been asked to address is AARP.
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May 8, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:29 am UTC
Hillary Clinton recently lent her campaign $6 million to keep it going.
Here’s how strapped her campaign is: she lent her campaign $6 million and a dozen pants suits.
Hillary Clinton recently lent her campaign $6 million to keep it going.
Here’s how expensive it is to run a campaign: that $6 million will either buy 10 campaign ads or 10 pants suits.
Everybody’s saying now that Hillary Clinton should pull out of the presidential race.
Bill is telling her to stay in the race, which is odd since he’s always been in favor of pulling out.
President Bush’s daughter Jenna is getting married this weekend in Texas.
President Bush is going to be busy that day. During the ceremony he’s got to give away the bride and then at the reception he’s going to be the embarrassingly drunk relative.
Barbara Walters has a new autobiography out in which she admits to once having an affair with a married senator.
She said it was very exciting and that it was the best filibustering she’s ever had.
Rosie O’Donnell is really ticked off about this new Barbara Walters autobiography.
Apparently in the book Barbara claims that she personally injected Rosie with steroids.
Earlier today a team of climbers took the Olympic torch to the summit of Mt. Everest.
Next they’ll try to get the torch to the summit of Michael Moore.
Amy Winehouse was arrested yesterday in London on drug charges.
She’s pleading not guilty by reason of insane hair.
Amy Winehouse was arrested yesterday in London on drug charges.
She’s pleading not guilty; no word yet on how her hair is going to plead.
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May 7, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:16 am UTC
Yesterday Barack Obama won the North Carolina Primary and Hillary Clinton won the Indiana primary.
Here’s how the vote broke down: Obama won the black vote, Hillary won the white vote and they split the pants suit vote.
They say now that Hillary didn’t do well enough yesterday to stop Obama from winning the nomination.
You can Hillary’s getting desperate now. Last night at the end of her speech she tried to hold her breath for 17 minutes.
President Bush’s daughter Jenna is getting married on Saturday.
President Bush is busy getting ready. He’s not only giving away the bride, he’s also organizing the bachelor party.
President Bush’s daughter Jenna is getting married on Saturday.
Preparations are underway – I believe Halliburton was awarded the contract.
Irvine Robbins, one of the founders of Baskin-Robbins, died this week at the age of 90.
He’s mourned by his wife, his two children and Michael Moore.
Irvine Robbins, one of the founders of Baskin-Robbins, died this week at the age of 90.
His family says he died of natural causes but, just to be sure, police are questioning Ben & Jerry.
Alex Rodriguez’s wife said this week that A-Rod passed out at daughter when their first daughter was born.
It’s not so surprising that he couldn’t handle it – she was born in the fall.
On this date in 1824 Ludwig van Beethoven premiered his Ninth Symphony.
It was an historic night. Not only was it the debut of the Ninth Symphony, but it was also the debut of Joan Rivers on the red carpet.
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May 6, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:26 am UTC
It was a beautiful warm spring day here in New York City.
It was such a beautiful day today that Barbara Walters admitted to having an affair with Al Roker.
It was a beautiful warm spring day here in New York City.
It was so warm today that Iron Man was wearing iron shorts.
It was a beautiful warm spring day here in New York City.
It was so warm today that over at Madame Tussaud’s a crew of workers took a layer of clothes off of Michael Moore.
It was a beautiful warm spring day here in New York City.
It was such a beautiful day today that over at Grant’s Tomb Grant was out on the porch.
Allergy season is in full bloom.
Experts say it’s the worst allergy season in years. In fact, analysts are now predicting that by summer we could be paying $5 for a box of Kleenex.
Barbara Walters has a new autobiography out in which she talks about her sexual conquests.
The good news is I got mentioned in the book. The bad news is I’m in the chapter titled “Bad Lays.”
Earlier this week Tesla Motors started selling the world’s first all-electric sports car.
The good news is it doesn’t use any gas. The bad news is it requires 5,000 AA batteries.
Earlier this week Tesla Motors started selling the world’s first all-electric sports car.
The car costs $109,000 – batteries not included.
They’ve released some pages of Saddam Hussein’s diary form his time in captivity.
The diary is pretty revealing. In it he says he was afraid of catching AIDS, he talks about learning English and he admits to having an affair with Barbara Walters.
It was on this day in 1937 that the Hindenburg went down.
New York didn’t see another disaster like until Isaiah Thomas took over the Knicks.
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May 5, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:22 am UTC
MONDAY: Iron Man opened over the weekend.
Everybody has Iron Man fever. Earlier today Hillary Clinton was wearing an iron pants suit.
MONDAY: Iron Man was the number one movie this weekend.
It’s such a big hit they’re already planning a sequel. It’s going to be called Platinum/Gold Man.
MONDAY: Happy Cinco de Mayo!
Down in Washington today a confused President Bush pardoned a jar of mayo.
MONDAY: Everybody’s got Cinco de Mayo fever.
Earlier today former Governor Eliot Spitzer paid 4,000 pesos for a hooker.
MONDAY: Saturday was the Kentucky Derby.
Everybody had Kentucky Derby fever. Former Governor Eliot Spitzer spent the day with a filly.
MONDAY: Here in New York two subway cars jumped the tracks yesterday.
Luckily only two people suffered minor injuries due to the derailment â€" but 20 people had their wallets stolen.
FRIDAY: Mother’s Day is this Sunday.
Mom is coming to town so I’ll be treating her to a whole day of her favorite things: a nice meal at a fancy restaurant, some beautiful flowers and a whole afternoon at the OTB.
FRIDAY: Mother’s Day is this Sunday.
Mom is coming to town and I told her I’d take her out to dinner at any restaurant she wants where I can use my AARP discount.
FRIDAY: Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Mother’s Day special.
For $50 they’ll have sex with you and then tell you what you did wrong.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Mike Wallace turns 90 today.
The “60 Minutes” crew threw him a surprise party; everybody jumped out from behind Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
This week they inducted the class of people into the New Jersey Hall of Fame.
Here are the requirements to be inducted into the New Jersey Hall of Fame: you have to have lived in New Jersey for five years, you have to have accomplished something big and you have to have ordered at least one hit.
Gas prices are continuing to get higher and higher.
Here’s how high gas prices have gotten: earlier today I filled my car up at Trump’s Gas Station and Casino.
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May 1, 2008.
Web Posted at: 8:31 am UTC
Barack Obama’s lead over Hillary Clinton is getting smaller and smaller.
You can tell Obama is feeling a little desperate. Earlier today he went on Oprah and tried to hold his breath for 17 minutes.
Barack Obama’s lead over Hillary Clinton is getting smaller and smaller.
You can tell Hillary is feeling cocky. Earlier today she told Bill he could start dating again.
Barack Obama’s lead over Hillary Clinton is getting smaller and smaller.
You can tell Hillary is feeling cocky. Earlier today she admitted she once had an affair with Tom Cruise.
Hillary Clinton said this week that she’s never had cosmetic surgery.
She says the only thing she’s ever had lifted or tucked are her pants suits.
You’ll have to excuse me if I seem a little excited today.
This happens to me every year during allergy season: this morning I accidentally mixed up my Claritin with my Cialis.
Allergy season is here.
My biggest allergy is cat fur, which is why I always wash my hands after I handle my hairpiece.
Allergy season is here.
Allergy season is so bad this year that earlier today Amy Winehouse admitted she was addicted to Claritin.
Yesterday on Oprah David Blaine set a new world record for holding his breath, over 17 minutes.
It’s record setting week on Oprah. Tomorrow Tom Cruise is going to try to set a new record for couch jumping.
Yesterday here in New York somebody paid $960 for fossilized piece of dinosaur dung.
It’s the most somebody’s paid for a piece of crap since CBS bought this show.
It was 81 years ago today that the first cooked meal was served on a passenger flight.
I believe some of those original meals are still in service.
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