Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
April 30, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:36 am UTC
It was a lovely spring day here in New York.
It was so nice today that Roger Clements had an affair with Al Roker.
Earlier tonight Hillary Clinton was on Bill O’Reilly’s show.
So, for one night, it was the No Skirt Zone.
Two people in Japan were recently caught having sex in a McDonald’s.
I was thinking about this and for me having sex is a lot like eating at McDonald’s: it costs me less than $10 and it’s over in 5 minutes.
Two people in Japan were recently caught having sex in a McDonald’s.
So, apparently, they each had a Happy Meal.
The government announced this week that real estate prices are dropping at the fastest rate ever.
Here’s how bad the real estate market is: earlier today they repossessed that thing on Donald Trump’s head.
Earlier today on the Oprah show David Blaine tried to set a record for holding his breath.
The bad news is he didn’t break the record; the good news is he got a free car.
Celebrity birthdays: the World Wide Web turns 15 today.
It’s hard to believe that a whole generation of workers have never known life without the ability to watch porn at work.
New York City is now officially the world leader in marijuana arrests.
I can tell marijuana use is high here in New York City. Earlier today in Central Park I saw a squirrel trying to smoke his nuts.
It was on this day in 1789 right here in New York City that George Washington took the oath of office to become our first president.
It was witnessed by his cabinet, several hundred citizens and Mike Wallace.
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April 29, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:52 am UTC
Celebrity birthdays: Jerry Seinfeld turns 54 today.
Jerry and I actually have a lot in common: we both became fathers later in life, we both used to be on NBC and neither of us has produced a TV show with new material in 10 years.
It was a rainy, day here in New York City.
It was so rainy today that Amy Winehouse assaulted Al Roker.
It was a rainy, day here in New York City.
It was so rainy today that the Statue of Liberty was holding an umbrella.
There are allegations now that Roger Clemens had a 10 year affair with a country singer.
More bad news for Roger: apparently he used performance enhancing drugs for that too.
The government has started mailing out those economic stimulus checks.
I’ve already got plans for my stimulus check; I’m going down to Times Square to buy some stimulus.
The government has started mailing out those economic stimulus checks.
It’s all part of President Bush’s “No Government Money Left Behind” program.
The Kentucky Derby is coming up this weekend.
Everybody has Kentucky Derby fever. Earlier today Amy Winehouse OD’d on mint juleps.
They say now that Jimmy Fallon is going to replace Conan O’Brien in 2009 when Conan takes over the Tonight Show.
Did they even look at my audition tape?
Food prices are way up.
Here’s how expensive food has gotten: the Hello Deli now offers financing.
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April 28, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:30 am UTC
MONDAY: This weekend here in New York they held the NFL draft.
Here’s how the draft works: several hundred prospects are weighed, measured and worked out before the top pick is made. It’s the same way they pick hosts for The View.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Saddam Hussein would have been 71 today.
He celebrated quietly in hell.
FRIDAY: Tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby.
I’m not a big fan of the Kentucky Derby. I figure if I want to see athletes compete for 2 minutes and then stop I’ll just watch the Knicks.
FRIDAY: Tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby and everybody’s got Kentucky Derby fever.
Earlier today Hillary Clinton was wearing a silk pants suit.
Hillary Clinton has challenged Barack Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas style debate.
You can tell Hillary is getting desperate. Not only did she challenge Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas style debate but today she was wearing a stovepipe pants suit.
Hillary Clinton has challenged Barack Obama to a Lincoln-Douglas style debate.
Obama says he won’t meet with Hillary unless there’s a moderator in the room. It’s the same rule Bill has.
Today I saw a sure sign that it’s spring in New York City.
I saw a crew of landscapers edging and mulching Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
Today I saw a sure sign that it’s spring in New York City.
That thing on Donald Trump’s head shed its winter coat.
It was a beautiful, warm spring day here in New York City.
It was so nice today that over at Grant’s Tomb they put in the screens.
Barack Obama has been endorsed by Bruce Springsteen.
Interestingly, John McCain was once endorsed by John Philip Sousa.
Scientists say now that human beings almost became extinct 70,000 years ago.
They say our population was down to just 2,000 people. The population got so small that Larry King almost quit his show.
Scientists say now that human beings almost became extinct 70,000 years ago.
They say our population was down to just 2,000 people. They based their findings on DNA analysis, climate data and Larry King’s diary.
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April 17, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:31 am UTC
The Pope is coming to New York tomorrow and everybody is busy getting ready.
Earlier today over at St. Patrick’s they put a slice of lemon in the holy water.
Yesterday President Bush announced a new plan to reduce noxious emissions.
It’s not a great plan. His main idea to reduce noxious emissions is to ban spicy food.
Martha Stewart’s dog Paw Paw died this week.
I thought this was nice: Martha was so upset about losing her dog that Donald Trump offered to give her that thing on his head.
Last night the Yankees beat the Red Sox over at Yankee Stadium.
You can tell the Red Sox are already desperate. Earlier today over at the new Yankee Stadium they buried David Ortiz.
Scientists in Florida have developed a computer program that recreates the way Neanderthals spoke.
I’ve heard it. It’s amazing. It’s just like listening to Arnold Schwarzenegger.
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April 16, 2008.
Web Posted at: 8:14 am UTC
I hate talking about people when they’re not here but last night’s audience was rough.
Halfway through the show, they all started doing their taxes.
Celebrity birthdays: Pope Benedict XVI turns 81 today.
He celebrated at the White House where they gave him a 21-gun salute. It was a big success – Cheney didn’t hit anybody.
Here in New York everybody’s busy getting ready for the Pope’s visit later this week.
Earlier today over at St. Patrick’s the priests were washing the altar boys.
The Pope is going to hold a mass in Yankee Stadium on Saturday.
That’s a strange place to hold a mass. The only holy relics in Yankee Stadium are the hot dogs.
The Pope is going to hold a mass in Yankee Stadium on Saturday.
The good news is it’s free to get in. The bad news is they’re charging $8 for a cup of communion wine.
The Pope has been down in Washington, D.C. this week.
It’s been a successful trip. Earlier today he got a highway project for the Vatican.
Earlier tonight in Philadelphia Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had another debate.
You can tell Hillary’s getting desperate – she wore a pants suit with a crack in it.
Earlier tonight in Philadelphia Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton had another debate.
You can tell Hillary’s getting desperate – she wore a cheesecake pants suit.
Celebrity birthdays: Patriots coach Bill Belichick turns 56 today.
Earlier today he admitted to videotaping the surprise party planning.
Celebrity birthdays: Ellen Barkin turns 54 today.
She got lots of nice presents which she’s planning to auction off.
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April 15, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:32 am UTC
It’s tax day!
I have a strange accountant. He told me I could deduct his fees as gambling losses.
It’s tax day!
Earlier today Gov. And Mrs. McGreevey had a three-way with Charles Schwab.
We found out today that our new governor David Paterson only gave $150 to charity last year.
Former Governor Eliot Spitzer, on the other hand, gave thousands of dollars to Charity – and Kristen and Victoria…
President Bush greeted Pope Benedict when he arrived in Washington. D.C. earlier today.
Pope Benedict, or as Bush calls him, “Eggs.”
This weekend the Pope will be holding a mass at Yankee Stadium.
When he’s done there he’ll go over to Madison Square Garden and give the Knicks last rights.
This past weekend Hillary Clinton did a shot of whiskey at a bar in Indiana.
Not to be outdone, John McCain was at a bar in Pennsylvania and did a shot of Metamucil.
It was on this day in 1865 that Andrew Johnson became president after Abraham Lincoln died.
Let’s see, Andrew Johnson, Lyndon Johnson, so that means we’ve had two Johnsons as president, not including George Bush.
Celebrity birthdays: Leonardo da Vinci was born on this date in 1452.
Leonardo da Vinci was quite a guy. He was a painter, an inventor and, I believe, he was the first person interviewed by Larry King.
There was a rumor this week that Ashlee Simpson was pregnant.
Apparently she was seen buying baby books. She says she’s not pregnant; she was just buying those for Jessica.
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April 14, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:27 am UTC
MONDAY: Tomorrow is tax day.
I have a strange accountant. I’m pretty sure he was the only accountant named in the Mitchell Report.
MONDAY: Abraham Lincoln was shot on this day in 1865.
Lincoln was shot at Ford’s Theater in Washington. It was chaos. After he shot Lincoln, John Wilkes Booth jumped from the balcony to the stage and completely disrupted Joan Rivers’s set.
MONDAY: It was 96 years ago today that the Titanic went down.
1,500 people died because there weren’t enough life boats. The good news is that couldn’t happen again because today’s cruise ship passengers could serve as their own flotation device.
MONDAY: It was 96 years ago today that the Titanic went down.
I believe the Titanic was the biggest thing to go down until Monica.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the Jefferson Memorial turned 65 yesterday.
In honor of its birthday workers sandblasted it, filled in the cracks with mortar and solidified the cement foundation – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s what they did for Cher’s 65th birthday.
MONDAY: This weekend Hillary Clinton was drinking whiskey and beer at a bar in Indiana.
Things got a little out of hand. In fact she got so drunk that she landed up endorsing Obama.
FRIDAY: The Pope arrived in New York today.
Security is really tight. Earlier today over at St. Patrick’s the priests were frisking the altar boys.
FRIDAY: The Pope arrived in New York today.
He had a busy day. He addressed the U.N., visited a synagogue and was a guest on “Mike and the Mad Dog.”
FRIDAY: The Pope arrived in New York today.
I could tell the Pope was in town today because I saw the Popemobile parked out in front of Flashdancers.
FRIDAY: The Pope arrived in New York today.
He’s the most famous leader of a religious organization to visit New York since Tom Cruise.
FRIDAY: On Sunday the Pope is going to celebrate Mass at Yankee Stadium.
Just to make sure things don’t get out of control they’re going to cut off beer sales after the Lord’s Prayer.
FRIDAY: On Sunday the Pope is going to celebrate Mass at Yankee Stadium.
The first 30,000 fans through the turnstiles will get a free Pope Benedict bobble head doll.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Yankee Stadium turns 85 today.
In honor of the Stadium’s 85th birthday, for this month only, a Yankee Stadium hot dog will only cost $85.
George Bush and Dick Cheney released their 2007 tax returns this week.
Every year Cheney hires the same firm to do his taxes – H& R Blockage.
There’s a guy here in New York who’s been arrested 53 times for rubbing up against women on the subway.
53 times, and his employer says if he gets arrested one more time he’s definitely going to fire Regis.
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April 3, 2008.
Web Posted at: 7:39 am UTC
It’s the tax season and everybody has tax fever.
Earlier today Angelina Jolie adopted another deduction.
Hillary Clinton is having a tough time these days; every time she says something people are jumping on her.
As a matter of fact, the only person who hasn’t jumped on her lately is Bill.
Hillary Clinton has another campaign ad now showing her getting up at 3:00am to take an emergency phone call.
In response, John McCain has his own ad about getting up at 3:00am, except in his ad he gets up to go to the bathroom.
Hillary Clinton has another campaign ad now showing her getting up at 3:00am to take an emergency phone call.
In response, John McCain has his own ad about getting up at 3:00am, except in his ad he also gets up at 1:00am and 2:00am and 4:00am…
Donnie Walsh has been named the new president of the Knicks.
He has a five year contract, but that could be reduced to three years with good behavior.
A new study out finds that the median time for sex is 7.3 minutes.
The only way I can make 7 minutes is if you include the time it takes my credit card to go through.
A new study sex out finds that the optimal amount of time for sex is between 3 and 13 minutes.
Great – another area where my numbers are disappointing.
Down in Washington, DC a fifth grader recently found a mistake in an exhibit at the Smithsonian Science Museum.
So I guess the people that run the Smithsonian aren’t smarter than a fifth-grader.
Down in Washington, DC a fifth grader recently pointed out that the Smithsonian Science Museum had mistakenly identified the Precambrian as an era, when it really is a dimensionless unit of time.
Boy, I bet they feel foolish now.
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April 2, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:31 am UTC
I don’t like to talk about people when they’re not here but last night’s audience was rough.
They were fine until halfway into the show when they realized it wasn’t a big April Fool’s joke.
Hillary Clinton’s campaign is running out of money.
Here’s how bad things have gotten for Hillary: she’s now wearing Bill’s old pants suits.
Hillary Clinton said yesterday the she has a lot in common with Rocky.
I think Bill actually has more in common in with Rocky than Hillary does; after all he’s the one who likes heavyweights.
Hillary Clinton said yesterday the she has a lot in common with Rocky.
Sure, for example, one time Bill fooled around with an intern named Adrian
It’s tax season and I think I picked the wrong guy to be my accountant.
This week I found out there’s a whole chapter devoted to him in Jose Canseco’s new book.
It’s tax season again and every year I help mom with her taxes and every year I have to tell her the same thing: you can’t deduct interest you pay to a loan shark.
The New York City Council has approved a plan to charge people $8 to drive into Manhattan.
The good news is if you don’t survive your trip into Manhattan you get your money back.
The New York City Council has approved a plan to charge people $8 to drive into Manhattan.
The fee will be waved for emergency vehicles, school buses and hookers.
The New York City Council has approved a plan to charge people $8 to drive into Manhattan.
I’m not too happy about it; that’s going to pretty much double what it costs me to have sex.
Archaeologists have discovered a 4,000 year old necklace in a burial site in Peru.
They say it’s the oldest known piece of gold jewelry in the Americas – other than Joan Rivers’s wedding band.
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April 1, 2008.
Web Posted at: 7:10 pm UTC
Happy April Fool’s Day!
Down in Washington, D.C. a confused President Bush pardoned himself.
Happy April Fool’s Day!
If I look a little happy today it’s because this morning my son Harry played an April Fool’s Day joke on me: he switched my Claritin with my Cialis.
The New York City Council has approved a plan to charge people $8 to drive into Manhattan.
If this becomes law I may have to begin carpooling with Regis.
Kathie Lee Gifford is returning to TV next week as a regular on the Today show.
For those of you who don’t remember Kathie Lee she’s kind of like Regis’s Heather Mills.
Kathie Lee Gifford is returning to TV next week as a regular on the Today show.
The good news is that means I’ll no longer be the biggest drama queen on TV.
President Bush arrived in Romania today for a NATO summit.
President Bush was excited about it; he said he always loves being in Rome.
April in New York City is “Million Trees Month.”
They’re going to plant 1 million trees here in New York City. Each tree is going to get a serial number, a bar code and a Lojack system.
Here in New York City Mayor Bloomberg wants to plant 1 million trees.
It’s already transforming the city. As a matter of fact, earlier today I was mugged by a lumberjack.
Scientists announced this week that they have proof that Soddom and Gomorrah was destroyed by an asteroid.
They based their findings on astronomical markings on an ancient stone tablet, descriptions in the Bible and eye witness testimony from Joan Rivers.
Celebrity birthdays: General Hospital turns 45 today.
It’s the longest running soap opera on TV, other than The View.
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