Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
March 31, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:27 am UTC
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Al Gore turns 60 today.
That’s right 60 or, as Al calls it, and inconvenient age.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Al Gore turns 60 today.
Al Gore is an amazing guy. He’s the only person who’s ever won an Oscar, a Nobel Peace Prize and a presidential election.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Al Gore turns 60 today.
His cake had so many candles on it he called it one of the leading causes of global warming.
MONDAY: Earlier today in the Yankees played their home opener.
Next year they move into a new stadium. The new stadium is going to be very fancy. They’re using lots of copper, limestone and granite – and that’s just for the hot dogs.
MONDAY: Earlier today in the Yankees played their home opener.
It was a rainy miserable day. But the Yankees know how to take care of their fans. They were selling Yankee ponchos for only $25.
MONDAY: Earlier today in the Yankees played their home opener.
Yankee Stadium is greener this year. They’re using lots of recycled paper, plastic and metal – and that’s just in the hot dogs.
MONDAY: Everybody in New York has baseball fever.
Earlier today my cab driver was wearing a pinstripe turban.
FRIDAY: Earlier today the new Rolling Stones concert film, Shine a Light, opened.
You can tell Mick Jagger is getting older. When he walks on stage he says “What did I come in here for?”
FRIDAY: Earlier today the new Rolling Stones concert film, Shine a Light, opened.
You can tell their fans are getting older. Halfway through the movie a woman in the crowd throws her Depends on stage.
FRIDAY: It’s tax season again.
Every year I have the same dilemma: do I deduct the cost of my hairpiece as a medical or business expense?
There are now officially more Muslims in the world than Catholics, for the first time ever.
The Catholics are fighting back; earlier today the Pope announced that he eliminated four commandments.
Down in Washington, D.C. this week cherry blossoms are in a full bloom.
Here in a New York City we had a similar sign of spring: earlier today the hookers took off a layer of clothing.
The Transportation Security Administration says they will no longer require passengers to remove their nipple rings before boarding an airplane.
Well, that should save me some time at the airport.
Researchers in France have found an audio recording from 1860.
They say it’s the oldest known sound recording, other than Regis’s audition tape.
Herb Peterson, the inventor of the Egg McMuffin has died at the age of 89.
At his funeral the CEO of McDonald’s gave a touching McEulogy.
Herb Peterson, the inventor of the Egg McMuffin has died at the age of 89.
His family says he’s available for viewing Monday through Friday until 10:30am, and 11:00am on the weekend.
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March 25, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:26 am UTC
Last night here on CBS Britney Spears was a guest star on “How I Met Your Mother.”
So, for one night at least, I wasn’t the biggest train wreck on CBS.
More revelations today by our new governor, David Paterson.
First we found out he cheated on his wife, then we found out he took drugs and earlier today he admitted he attended a party at Jose Canseco’s house in 1998.
Things are crazy here in New York. Our previous governor was hiring whores and our new governor has admitted to cheating on his wife and doings drugs.
Here’s how crazy New York politics has gotten: earlier today Tommy Lee announced he’s going to run for governor.
Things are crazy here in New York. Our previous governor was hiring whores and our new governor has admitted to cheating on his wife and doings drugs.
The good news is experts say this should make kids more interested in getting into politics.
Earlier today the Red Sox and A’s opened the 2008 baseball season in Japan.
When he heard the news President Bush said it was another example of American jobs leaving the country.
Earlier today the Red Sox and A’s opened the 2008 baseball season in Japan.
Here’s how early the game started: for once I wasn’t the only guy in Hooters at 6:00am.
Earlier today the Red Sox and A’s opened the 2008 baseball season in Japan.
The American players had to learn a few basic words in Japanese like ball, strike and urine sample.
Barack Obama is on vacation for a couple of days in the Caribbean.
He’s spending three days without thinking about Hillary or talking about Hillary or looking at Hillary. Today Bill Clinton said “You can do that?”
Celebrity birthdays: Elton John turns 61 today.
In honor of his birthday there was a call from the queen to the queen.
Jack Kevorkian announced yesterday that he’s going to run for Congress.
The good news is he as lots of supporters. The bad news is most of them will be dead by November.
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March 24, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:32 am UTC
MONDAY: We didn’t have much of an Easter celebration at my house yesterday.
Here’s how low key it was: the biggest ham we had in the house was me.
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York City still has Easter fever.
Earlier today my cab driver was wearing a chocolate turban.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York they had the big Easter Parade.
People always wear crazy, outrageous hats in the Easter Parade. Yesterday I saw a guy with this big, ridiculous furry orange thing on his head – no, wait, I’m sorry, that was Donald Trump.
MONDAY: Earlier today down in Washington they had the annual Easter egg hunt at the White House.
They didn’t say who dressed up as the Easter Bunny this year but the kids there said he a fluffy tail, big ears and a mean sneer.
MONDAY: There was a new audiotape from Osama bin Laden last week.
Experts say they know it’s recent because in the message Osama wished everybody a happy Easter.
MONDAY: Here in New York we had the big auto show last week.
It was a big success – only 10 cars were stolen.
MONDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney wrapped up his trip to the Mide East with a visit to Turkey today.
Dick Cheney in Turkey – that’s seems appropriate.
WEDNESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Viagra turns 10 years old tomorrow.
Viagra was the greatest thing for my sex life since they invented portable credit card machines.
It’s officially spring!
Spring, of course, is the mating season – or, as they call it up in Albany, the busy season.
It’s March Madness time!
I’m not a big college basketball fan. I figure if I want to see a bunch of guys who aren’t ready for the pros I’ll just go watch the Knicks.
We learned this week that former Governor Eliot Spitzer likes to leave his socks on when he has sex.
When I’m having sex the only piece of clothing I like to keep on is my hair.
New Governor David Paterson has spent $5,000 on flowers for his girlfriends over the last six years.
I’m thinking I haven’t spent that much money over the last six years on sex.
This week NASA scientists said they witnessed a star exploding halfway across the universe.
They say they haven’t seen a star explode like that since Alec Baldwin
Scientists in North Dakota have discovered the fossils of a 65 million year old dinosaur with its skin still intact.
They say it’s the oldest, best preserved skin they’ve ever seen – other than Cher’s.
A guy here in New York is suing Wendy’s because he claims he bit into a hamburger with a screw in it.
Apparently it was all just a misunderstanding; when he asked to have it supersized, the guy behind the counter thought he said “galvanized.”
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March 18, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:23 am UTC
Our new governor here in New York, David Paterson, admitted yesterday that he an affair earlier in his marriage.
The good news is his affairs didn’t involve receipts.
It’s the day after St. Patrick’s Day and most of the country woke up hung over this morning.
The good news is there were more than enough drugs in our tap water to kill the pain.
Earlier today the Fed cut interest rates again.
Interest rates are so low now that earlier today the Gambino crime family laid off 10 more loan sharks.
The economy just keeps getting worse.
The government is trying to help out. Earlier today the Fed bailed out the Gabino crime family.
It was five years ago today that we invaded Iraq.
It’s been five years since Iraq was ruled by a brutal dictator – or, as the Iraqis call it, the good old days.
It was five years ago today that we invaded Iraq.
So, let’s see: five years later and we never found weapons of mass destruction, we’ve got $4 per gallon gas, and President Bush’s approval ratings are in the toilet – yep, I’d say Mission Accomplished!
It was five years ago today that we invaded Iraq.
So let’s see, we’ve been in Iraq for five years now and there’s still no effective leadership, the streets are unsafe and the economy’s in shambles – and things aren’t so great in Iraq either
The state of Florida announced yesterday that they won’t hold another Democratic primary.
They said they don’t need to since the crooked voting machines can pretty much run themselves.
Yesterday Paul McCartney was ordered to pay $50 to Heather Mills in their divorce settlement.
$50 million for four years of marriage; even Eliot Spitzer thought that was a lot to spend on a woman.
Yesterday Paul McCartney was ordered to pay $50 to Heather Mills in their divorce settlement.
Here’s the deal: she gets $50 million and custody of their daughter. He gets to keep their house and custody of Ringo.
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March 17, 2008.
Web Posted at: 5:58 pm UTC
MONDAY: Happy St. Patrick’s Day!
Earlier today I went to the Hello Deli and saw the green meatloaf and I said to Rupert “The green meatloaf must be in honor of St. Patrick’s Day,” and he said “What?”
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York City has St. Patrick’s Day spirit.
Earlier today Eliot Spitzer had sex with a high priced leprechaun.
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York City has St. Patrick’s Day spirit.
Earlier today Roger Clemens tested positive for shamrocks.
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York City has St. Patrick’s Day spirit.
Over at St. Patrick’s cathedral they dyed the holy water green.
MONDAY: Governor Eliot Spitzer officially left office today.
So from now on he’ll be known as private citizen #9.
MONDAY: Former Governor Eliot Spitzer had a lot of enemies.
Here’s how many enemies he had: now that he’s gone, New York’s most hated man is – me.
MONDAY: Bad news: economists say that the U.S. is now officially in a recession.
Here’s how bad the economy is now: earlier today down in Times Square they laid off 10 hookers.
MONDAY: Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Baghdad earlier today.
Here’s how much of a surprise it was: the only people who knew about his visit beforehand were a few secret service people, a few military officials and a few of his cardiologists.
MONDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney is in the Middle East this week to try and bring peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians.
That makes sense because when you think peacemaker you think Dick Cheney.
MONDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney is in the Middle East this week to try and bring peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians.
That makes sense because when you think Dick Cheney, you think peacemaker – no. wait, I’m sorry, I meant pacemaker.
MONDAY: Republican presidential nominee JohnMcCain was in Baghdad yesterday.
It was a successful trip; he raised 2 million dinars.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Jerry Lewis turned 82 yesterday.
In honor of his birthday, earlier today Congress declared his hair a strategic oil reserve.
WEDNESDAY: Tomorrow is the first day of spring!
Some people are already in spring mode. Earlier today my cab driver switched to a white turban.
WEDNESDAY: Tomorrow is the first day of spring!
Some people are already in spring mode. Earlier today Hillary Clinton switched from a wool to a cotton pants suit.
The other day in Florida a naked guy went on a rampage and drove a forklift into a resort, causing thousands of dollars worth of damage.
So, apparently, they still have gotten the right mix of medications for Regis.
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March 13, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:29 am UTC
Here in New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned yesterday after being caught up in a prostitution ring.
I feel sorry for his staff members who are now out of job: speech writers, advisors, hookers..
Here in New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned yesterday after being caught up in a prostitution ring.
He was busy today putting together a team of transitional hookers.
Here in New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned yesterday after being caught up in a prostitution ring.
His resignation is effective Monday, so that means he has four more nights at the governor’s mansion sleeping on the couch.
Now that Eliot Spitzer has resigned we now have our first black governor here in New York, David Paterson.
Earlier today Geraldine Ferraro said he wouldn’t be in this position if he was white.
Earlier today Billy Crystal played in an exhibition game with the Yankees.
The good news is the only thing he tested positive for was Lipitor.
Earlier today Billy Crystal played in an exhibition game with the Yankees.
They actually signed him to a one day contract – for $30 million.
A woman in Kansas recently spent two years locked in her bathroom.
I’m thinking, a woman spends two years in the bathroom, what’s so newsworthy about that?
A woman in Kansas recently spent two years locked in her bathroom because she had a phobia about leaving the bathroom.
I’m the exact opposite: I have a phobia about going into bathrooms.
It was on this date in 1781 that the planet Uranus was discovered.
Uranus was discovered by Sir William Herschel, who was a British astronomer, composer and, obviously, a comedian.
It was on this date in 1781 that the planet Uranus was discovered.
Uranus is the seventh planet from the sun and the first planet of comedians.
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March 12, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:27 am UTC
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned earlier today after being caught up in a prostitution ring.
The good news is I’m no longer New York’s biggest embarrassment.
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer resigned earlier today after being caught up in a prostitution ring.
This guy really had a lot of enemies. I believe this is the first time this many people have been this happy about somebody leaving since I left NBC.
Reports say that Eliot Spitzer liked to set the mood for sex by playing classical music.
The only thing I do to set the mood before having sex is take my teeth out.
They say now that Eliot Spitzer spent $80,000 on prostitutes over the years.
That’s the most money somebody in New York has spent on women since Rosie O’Donnell.
They say now that Eliot Spitzer has been visiting prostitutes for at least 6 years.
That explains why he was campaigning so hard in Times Square.
Yesterday here in Manhattan a water main broke and flooded some streets.
Here’s how serious at was: at one point they were putting sandbags around the hookers.
Celebrity birthdays: Mitt Romney turns 61 today.
He celebrated quietly with a few friends and his family – no, wait, I’m sorry those are the people who voted for him.
Celebrity birthdays: Mitt Romney turns 61 today.
Earlier tonight he celebrated with his wife – and tomorrow he’ll celebrate with his other wife.
Gas prices are at new record levels.
Here’s how high gas prices are: NASCAR drivers have started carpooling.
Gas prices are at new record levels.
Gas prices are so high that on an average Saturday night in Manhattan I spend more on the gas than I do on the sex.
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March 11, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:22 am UTC
It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Eliot Spitzer was picking up prostitutes in Central Park.
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has been accused of hiring a prostitute.
Give the guy credit, he’s pretty clever. He said he was just supporting the local economy.
New York Governor Eliot Spitzer has been accused of hiring a prostitute.
The good news is that means he’s officially presidential material.
Eliot Spitzer paid $4,000 to have a hooker come from New York City to Washington, DC so he could have sex with her.
$4,000 – and that was just the cost of the gas.
Hillary Clinton says that she’d consider Barack Obama as her running mate.
Obama said he’s not interested. I believe that makes him the first guy to reject Hillary since – Bill.
A new study has found that drinking water in the US is contaminated with pharmaceutical drugs.
They say the water tested positive for antibiotics, mood stabilizers, sex hormones – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Roger Clemens.
A new study has found that drinking water in the US is contaminated with pharmaceutical drugs.
The good news is now whenever I want to have sex instead of Viagra I just drink two glasses of water.
A new study has found that drinking water in the US is contaminated with pharmaceutical drugs.
Here’s how bad our water is now: Amy Winehouse is addicted to it.
15 years ago today Janet Reno was confirmed as Attorney General.
That was historic; she was our first Attorney General on steroids.
People in a town in Argentina are claiming that a small gnome-like creature is walking their streets at night.
Turns out it’s just Tom Cruise on location for a new movie.
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