Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
February 28, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:20 am UTC
Some people are saying now that John McCain can’t be president because he wasn’t born in this country.
I think he should be allowed to run; the last thing we need is another unemployed alien.
Mayor Bloomberg announced today that he’s not going to run for president.
He said if he wanted to deal with an unpopular war he might as well just stay here and try to end the fighting at The View.
William F. Buckley died yesterday at the age of 82.
All of the republicans are in mourning. Earlier today Dick Cheney was wearing a sad sneer.
Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch is going to be auctioned off next month because he can’t make the payments on it.
Poor Michael is completely tapped out; he’s already taken out a second mortgage on his nose.
The producers of the Academy Awards have apologized to Whoopie Goldberg for not including her in a montage of Oscar hosts.
No word yet on when they’re going to apologize to everybody else for the rest of the show.
The producers of the Academy Awards have apologized to Whoopie Goldberg for not including her in a montage of Oscar hosts.
Earlier today they also apologized to me for having me in the montage.
Pamela Anderson is getting a divorce from Rick Salomon after two months of marriage.
She says those two months of marriage were a fraud, they were a sham, they weren’t real in any way – no, wait, I’m sorry, she was talking about her breasts.
Pamela Anderson is getting a divorce from Rick Salomon after two months of marriage.
It’s understandable; it’s hard to find a man as stable as Tommy Lee and Kid Rock.
Here in New York City they’ve started building little wooden houses for the squirrels in Central Park.
So far they built and installed homes for 60 squirrels. The rest of the squirrels will still have to commute.
[
link |
comment]
February 27, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:31 am UTC
Last night in Cleveland Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had their last debate.
You can tell Hillary is getting desperate. At one point she accused Obama of attending a party at Jose Canseco’s house.
Last night in Cleveland Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had their last debate.
It was so contentious that at one point Hillary got a real rise out of Obama which is pretty unusual – Hillary getting a rise out of a man.
Last night in Cleveland Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama had their last debate.
That was their 20th debate; it’s the most time Hillary has spent with another man who didn’t cheat on her.
Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch is going to be auctioned off next month because he can’t make the payments on it.
I feel bad for Michael, but the ones I really feel sorry for are the llamas.
Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch is going to be auctioned off next month because he can’t make the payments on it.
Poor Michael has really hit rock bottom. Earlier today I saw him holding a sign that said “Will be weird for food.”
Congress is reportedly going to recommend that Roger Clemens be investigated for perjury.
Roger is continuing to deny using steroids. Earlier today he said the only unnatural chemicals he’s ever put into his body are Yankee Stadium hot dogs.
Celebrity birthdays: Chelsea Clinton turns 28 today.
She celebrated with a bunch of girlfriends – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s how Bill celebrated.
Celebrity birthdays: Happy birthday to Elizabeth Taylor.
She had a cake with 76 candles – one for each husband.
Celebrity birthdays: Elizabeth Taylor turns 76 today.
She celebrated with one of her best girlfriends – but enough about Michael Jackson.
Celebrity birthdays: Elizabeth Taylor turns 76 and Ralph Nader turns 74 today.
Ralph Nader had a party which was made up mostly of people he siphoned off from Elizabeth Taylor’s party.
[
link |
comment]
February 26, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:29 am UTC
If you think about it, Hillary and Obama have a lot in common.
Both are lawyers, both are senators, and neither one is sleeping with Bill Clinton.
The Oscar ceremony the other night had its lowest ratings ever.
Here’s how low the ratings were; earlier today they invited me to host next year’s show.
The Oscar ceremony the other night had its lowest ratings ever.
I blame Regis.
The New York Philharmonic performed in the capital of North Korea last night.
It’s the first time the Philharmonic has performed in a city in chaos run by a crazy little dictator since they last played here in New York.
The New York Philharmonic performed in the capital of North Korea last night.
It’s part of a cultural exchange program. We send them the philharmonic and in exchange they’ll send us a crazy dictator.
The New York Philharmonic performed in the capital of North Korea last night.
If this trip goes well then next month we’ll send them a bunch of hookers.
Scientists said this week that in 7.6 billion years the Earth will be sucked into the sun and completely vaporized.
The good news is solar energy is going to become a lot cheaper.
Scientists said this week that they’ve calculated that the Earth will be vaporized by the sun in 7.6 billion years.
7.6 billion years is a very long time. To give you an idea of how long 7.6 billion years is, that’s about how long the average Oscars show seems to last.
Scientists said this week that they’ve calculated that the Earth will be vaporized by the sun in 7.6 billion years.
When he heard the news Al Gore gave back his Oscar.
[
link |
comment]
February 25, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:14 am UTC
MONDAY: Regis Philbin was the host of the red carpet show last night.
Regis doesn’t really belong on the red carpet. The only piece of his outfit last night that was made by a designer was his hair.
MONDAY: Regis Philbin was the host of the red carpet show last night.
Regis did well – only three actresses slapped him.
MONDAY: The good news is the Academy Awards show ended before midnight last night.
The bad news is that was the end of last year’s show.
MONDAY: Ratatouille won the Oscar last night for Best Animated Picture.
After the show here in New York a crowd of rats went nuts and flipped over some cars.
MONDAY: Spike Lee was in the Academy Awards audience last night.
You can tell Spike is getting a little old. He kept interrupting the show by yelling “You suck, Isaiah!”
MONDAY: Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama got into a big fight over the weekend over campaign ads.
It got pretty heated. Here’s how mad Hillary got at Obama: at one point, out of habit, she ordered him to sleep on the couch.
MONDAY: Raul Castro was officially elected the new president of Cuba yesterday.
It was a close election; observers the key to his victory was winning Broward and Dade counties.
MONDAY: Raul Castro was officially elected the new president of Cuba yesterday.
He narrowly beat out former Cuban First Lady Hillary Castro.
MONDAY: Raul Castro was officially elected the new president of Cuba yesterday.
He’s wasted no time taking over; earlier today he took possession of the presidential ’59 Buick.
MONDAY: Congratulations to Jennifer Lopez who gave birth to twins last week.
They say the boy has his dad’s eyes and the girl has her mom’s ass.
MONDAY: This weekend in Guam a B-2 stealth bomber crashed just after take off.
It’s the first time such a powerful spy machine has crashed and burned since the Patriots.
MONDAY: This weekend in Guam a B-2 stealth bomber crashed just after take off.
The plane cost $1 billion. I believe it’s the most money ever wasted on a bomber, other than Jason Giambi.
FRIDAY: Happy leap day!
Down in Washington today a confused President Bush pardoned a frog.
You can tell Hillary Clinton is getting desperate to win Ohio.
Earlier today she was wearing a buckeye pants suit.
Southern Methodist University has been select as the site for President Bush’s presidential library.
The library will display important artifacts from his presidency. For example, one whole room will be devoted to displaying crooked voting machines.
Southern Methodist University has been select as the site for President Bush’s presidential library.
Earlier today the contract to build it was awarded to Halliburton.
Last week four strands of George Washington’s hair sold for $17,000.
The hair was positively identified as George Washington’s by a DNA analysis and by Joan Rivers.
Last week four strands of George Washington’s hair sold for $17,000.
To give you an idea of how expensive that is, $17,000 is what I spend for a whole head of hair.
A restaurant in Detroit is offering a 134-pound hamburger.
It comes with bacon cheese or, if you’re watching your weight, you can get it without the cheese.
A restaurant in Detroit is offering a 134-pound hamburger.
It comes with bacon cheese and costs $350. Or, for an extra $50 they’ll supersize it.
[
link |
comment]
February 21, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:29 am UTC
Mike Huckabee’s wife Janet attended a boxing match in Law Vegas last weekend and stayed at the Hooters Casino Hotel.
Well, I think I know who I’m voting for now.
You can tell Hillary Clinton isn’t too happy about the campaign.
Earlier today in a speech she got so worked up that, out of habit, she threw a lamp at Bill.
How about that John McCain?
He looks like the old guy you can’t get around in the supermarket aisle.
Last night there was a total lunar eclipse.
Earlier today Arlen Specter demanded an answer from MIT.
Last night the Navy shot down a disabled satellite with a missile.
President Bush said he only OK’d it after he was assured it was absolutely safe and that Superman wasn’t available.
The Navy says it cost about $60 million to shoot down that satellite yesterday.
That’s the most anybody’s paid for one hit since the Yankees signed Jason Giambi.
I went out last night and watched the eclipse with my neighbors.
The next lunar eclipse won’t be until 2010 – no, I’m sorry, that’ll be the next time I talk to my neighbors.
I went out last night and watched the eclipse with my neighbors.
I heard a lot of “Ooohs” and “Ahhhs” and “Why isn’t Dave wearing pants?”
It was on this date in 1885 that the Washington Monument was dedicated.
All we know about the dedication ceremony is based on a few newspaper accounts and whatever Regis can remember.
Kirstie Alley says that she’s going to launch her own weight-loss program.
Isn’t that kid of like Michael Jackson launching his own anti-creepy program?
P Diddy is going to star in a TV version of “A Raisin in the Sun.”
I believe this version will be called “A Diddy in the Sun.”
Scientists announced this week that they’ve discovered new life forms at the bottom of the Antarctic Ocean.
Next they’re going to try to find signs of life on the Knicks.
[
link |
comment]
February 20, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:55 am UTC
Yesterday Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in three more primaries and caucuses.
That’s 10 straight wins for Obama. Hillary has been rejected this much since Bill hired Monica.
Things are really getting ugly between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
Hillary has accused Obama of using other people’s words in his speeches and now Obama has accused Hillary of wearing other people’s pants suits.
Fidel Castro stepped down as the president of Cuba yesterday.
Ever since the announcement people have been partying in the streets. I haven’t seen people this happy about a dictator stepping down since Rosie left The View.
Fidel Castro stepped down as the president of Cuba yesterday.
Ever since the announcement people have been partying in the streets. I haven’t seen people this happy about a dictator stepping down since I left NBC.
Fidel Castro stepped down as the president of Cuba yesterday.
Let’s see, he was in power for 49 years and out lasted nine U.S. presidents; yep. I’d say that embargo worked like a charm.
The USDA has recalled 143 million pounds of beef.
Just to be safe, for lunch today I made sure to order something that I knew I had no beef in it – a Big Mac.
How about that John McCain?
He looks like the guy in your neighborhood when you were growing up who always called you a punk.
The government is planning to shoot down a crippled satellite any day now.
The plan is to have the Navy try to shoot it down with a missile and if that doesn’t work they’ll let Dick Cheney take a crack at it.
It was on this date in 1792 that the Post Office was formed.
It was also on this date in 1792 that the Post Office announced their first rate increase.
[
link |
comment]
February 19, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:13 am UTC
John Edwards is leaning toward endorsing Barack Obama.
That’s right, he’s expected to give him his endorsement and his hair stylist.
The USDA has recalled 143 million pounds of tainted beef.
They think they know the cause; earlier today they blamed it on Roger Clemens’s trainer.
Fidel Castro has officially resigned as the president of Cuba and made his brother Raul the new president.
I believe it’s the first time that a guy has become president because of his brother since – George Bush.
Fidel Castro has officially resigned as the president of Cuba.
He says he wants to spend more time running his family into the ground.
Gary Coleman says that he and the woman he married in August haven’t had sex yet.
So he hasn’t had sex with his wife in six months; that sounds like a pretty normal marriage to me.
Bad news: pizza in New York now costs $4 a slice.
The good news is President Bush has a plan to lower pizza prices: earlier today he invaded Italy.
Bad news: pizza in New York now costs $4 a slice.
Here’s how expensive pizza has gotten: my dates are now impressed when I take them out for dinner.
[
link |
comment]
February 18, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:26 am UTC
MONDAY: Happy President’s Day!
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual President’s Day special: half off for guys named Abe.
MONDAY: Tomorrow is the Hawaii caucuses.
Hillary Clinton is trying hard to win Hawaii; earlier today she was wearing a hula pants suit.
MONDAY: President Bush is in Africa this week.
While he’s in Africa he’ll be visiting Tanzania, Rwanda, Ghana and two other countries he’s can’t pronounce.
MONDAY: President Bush is in Africa this week.
He’s over there to promote economic stability, better healthcare and peaceful resolutions to conflicts. And if it works there he’ll try it here.
FRIDAY: The Academy Awards are this Sunday.
I’ve been spending the day leading up to the Oscars like I do every year – on my therapist’s couch.
FRIDAY: Michael Moore has been nominated for the Best Documentary Oscar for Sicko.
That explains why earlier today the Oscar crew was busy reinforcing the red carpet.
FRIDAY: I’m looking forward to the Academy Awards this Sunday night.
I’ll do what I do every year for the Academy Awards: I’ll pour a nice glass of wine, I’ll make a nice fire and then I’ll watch the show with my teacup Chihuahuas.
FRIDAY: My favorite part of the Academy Awards is always the red carpet show.
I love watching to see all the celebrities wearing designer hairpieces.
Kirstie Alley has stepped down as a spokesmodel for Jenny Craig.
She says she’s looking forward to spending more time with her desserts.
Kirstie Alley has stepped down as a spokesmodel for Jenny Craig.
Actually, I believe she was technically hoisted down.
Over in Iraq they’re selling Saddam Hussein’s old yacht.
Here’s how fancy it is: it’s 269 feet long, it’s got a helipad, a swimming pool and a gold plated spider hole.
[
link |
comment]
February 14, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:19 am UTC
Everybody in New York has Valentine’s Day fever.
Earlier today Angelina Jolie adopted a cherub.
Everybody in New York has Valentine’s Day fever.
This morning my cab driver was wearing a red turban.
Everybody in New York has Valentine’s Day fever.
Earlier today Roger Clemens tested positive for chocolate.
Boy, the price of flowers has gone way up.
Here’s how expensive flowers have gotten: this year for Valentine’s Day the flowers cost more than my date.
Hillary Clinton is campaigning hard in Texas.
She’s pretty desperate to win Texas. Here’s how desperate she is: earlier today she was wearing a ten gallon pants suit
Celebrity birthdays: Mayor Michael Bloomberg turns 66 today.
His friends and family threw him a surprise party. What they did was they all hid behind his piles of money.
Yesterday President Bush signed a $168 billion economic stimulus bill.
I believe he’s the first president to get that much stimulus since – Clinton.
Defense Secretary Robert Gates slipped on the ice and broke his shoulder yesterday.
He’s the first Defense Secretary to slip up like that since – Rumsfeld.
Scientists announced this week that they’ve figured out a way to make electricity-generating clothes.
It’s very promising; they say that someday we may be able to generate enough electricity to power New York City just from the energy produced by Michael Moore’s corduroys.
Manuel Uribe, the world’s fattest man, has lost more than 500 pounds and says he wants to lose 500 more pounds.
Of course, it’s always those last 500 pounds that are the hardest to lose.
[
link |
comment]
February 13, 2008.
Web Posted at: 9:04 am UTC
Uno the beagle was named Best in Show last night at the big Westminster Dog Show.
Here’s what he won: a blue ribbon, a trophy and a date with Gisele Bundchen’s dog
Uno the beagle was named Best in Show last night at the big Westminster Dog Show.
He beat out a standard poodle who left the show early.
Yesterday Barack Obama beat Hillary Clinton in three more primaries.
More bad news for Hillary: earlier today Obama was endorsed by Uno the beagle.
Earlier today down in Washington Roger Clemens testified before congress about steroid use.
Clemens’ former trainer says Clemens took steroids and Clemens denies it. It’s turning into the ugliest he said-he said since Trump and Rosie were fighting.
Earlier today down in Washington Roger Clemens testified before Congress about steroid use.
I haven’t seen Congress this interested in somebody injecting somebody else since Bill Clinton.
Last night the writers guild officially voted to the end their strike.
So pretty soon all of your favorite shows will have new material – except for this one.
Paris Hilton’s little brother Barron was arrested this week for driving under the influence.
Paris wasn’t too happy about it; she told him it that was totally not hot.
Disney announced this week that they’re going to make “Shrek the Musical.”
Casting is already underway; Shrek will be played by Rosie O’Donnell.
Celebrity birthdays: Randy Moss turns 31 today.
He had a big cake with lots of candles on it and he blew them all out – except the last one.
[
link |
comment]
February 12, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:13 am UTC
This week here in New York they’re having the big Westminster Dog Show.
I never watch the dog show. I figure if I want to see bitches barking and competing with each other I’ll just watch The View.
This week here in New York they’re having the big Westminster Dog Show.
Here’s what they judge the dogs on: coat, hindquarters, and obedience – they’re the same criteria Tom Cruise used to pick Katie Holmes.
Everybody in the city has dog show fever.
Over at the Hello Deli they’re offering their annual dog show special: half off the grilled dog.
Everybody in the city has dog show fever.
Earlier today Donald Trump was wearing a long haired daschund on his head.
Bad news: crime is back is back up here in New York City.
Here’s how bad crime has gotten again here in New York: I’ve once again put 911 on speed dial.
Celebrity birthdays: Abraham Lincoln was born on this date in 1809.
Down in Washington, D.C. the Jefferson and Washington Memorials threw a party for the Lincoln Memorial.
Dolly Parton had to postpone her current tour because her breasts are causing her back problems.
It’s the same reason that they had to postpone the latest Michael Moore movie.
Yesterday in International Falls, Minnesota the temperature hit 40 below zero.
They say it’s the coldest place in the country, other than Bill and Hillary’s bedroom.
This week the Yankees announced that a seat behind home plate this season will cost $400.
To put that into perspective, $400 would buy me one night at Yankee stadium or a month’s worth of sex.
Michael Jackson just released a video message to mark the 25th anniversary of Thriller.
Experts believe the video was made in the mountainous regions of Neverland.
[
link |
comment]
February 11, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:21 am UTC
MONDAY: This week here in New York they’re having the big Westminster Dog Show.
Everybody in New York has dog show fever. Earlier today Angelina Jolie adopted a schnauzer.
MONDAY: This week here in New York they’re having the big Westminster Dog Show.
Everybody in New York has dog show fever. Earlier today Brian McNamee admitted to injecting steroids in Roger Clemens’s dog.
MONDAY: This week here in New York they’re having the big Westminster Dog Show.
The dogs in the show get first class treatment. In fact, they’re the most pampered dogs in the city, other than the Knicks.
MONDAY: Today I saw a sure sign that the dog show is in town.
Down in Times Square I saw a German shepherd picking up a French poodle.
MONDAY: The writers strike finally came to an end over the weekend.
The writers got a pretty good deal. Here’s what they got: residuals for online content, higher payments for DVD sales and no more groping by Regis.
MONDAY: Last night here on CBS they had the Grammy Awards.
Amy Winehouse performed live from London, so, for one night, I wasn’t the craziest diva on TV.
MONDAY: Last night they here on CBS had the Grammy Awards.
Kid Rock won a Grammy for best performance by one of Pamela Anderson’s ex-husbands.
MONDAY: Last night here on CBS they had the Grammy Awards.
Believe it or not this show was nominated for a Grammy Award – we were nominated in the category biggest waste of a band.
MONDAY: Mitt Romney dropped out of the presidential race.
So now that Mitt is out that means the candidate with the best suits is Hillary.
MONDAY: Barack Obama swept all the Democratic primaries over the weekend.
More bad news for Hillary: earlier today Bill endorsed Obama.
MONDAY: Hillary Clinton shook up her campaign staff after losing all of the primaries over the weekend to Barack Obama.
Yesterday she fired her campaign manager and the guy who makes her pantsuits.
MONDAY: It was on this day in 1863 that General Tom Thumb got married right here in New York City.
Do you remember General Tom Thumb? He was the world’s most famous dwarf, until Tom Cruise.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Jeb Bush turns 55 today.
I know a certain brother who owes him a big present.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Jeb Bush turns 55 today.
His friends threw him a big party and a girl jump out of a crooked voting machine.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Burt Reynolds turns 72 today.
Earlier tonight on Bravo they had a lovely retrospective of all of his hairpieces.
FRIDAY: Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I spent today doing what I do every year on the day after Valentine’s Day – apologizing.
FRIDAY: Yesterday was Valentine’s Day and I swear every year Valentine’s Day gets more expensive.
Between the candy, the flowers and dinner I must’ve spent several hundred dollars – and that doesn’t even include the cost of the sex.
FRIDAY: Down in Times Square the hookers are already offering their President’s Day special.
For $50 they’ll ratify your constitution.
The Yankees announced their new ticket prices for this season and the prices are way up.
Here’s how expensive it’s going to be at Yankee stadium this year: the hot dog stands will now offer financing.
The Yankees announced their new ticket prices for this season and the prices are way up.
Here’s how high the ticket prices now at Yankee stadium: the only people who can afford go to a Yankees game are the Yankees.
The Yankees announced their new ticket prices for this season and the prices are way up.
It’s understandable; after all, $200 million weak hitting infielders don’t pay for themselves.
Out in Chicago this week Oprah opened her own store.
Apparently Oprah decided that there was some part of the economy that she didn’t own.
[
link |
comment]
February 7, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:17 am UTC
The race between Hilary Clinton and Barack Obama is pretty much a dead heat.
Hillary hasn’t faced competition like this since Bill hired Monica.
Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she lent her campaign $5 million.
She said she’s also cutting back on campaign expenses. For example, she started buying her pants suits off the rack.
Hillary Clinton said yesterday that she lent her campaign $5 million.
Things are pretty tight around the Clinton house these days. Here’s how tight they are: whenever Bill goes out on a date now it has to be dutch.
Yesterday here in New York City it was 70 degrees.
It was so nice yesterday that Pedro Martinez was holding cock fights in Central Park.
Happy Chinese New Year! It’s the year of the rat.
I’m thinking big deal – here in New York City every year is the year of the rat.
Happy Chinese New Year! It’s the year of the rat.
Last night in Chinatown Ryan Seacrest hosted Dick Clark’s New Year’s Wockin’ Eve.
Happy Chinese New Year! It’s the year of the rat.
So, finally some good news for Brian McNamee.
Last year here in New York City more than 1.5 billion people rode the subways, the highest level in 50 years.
Not only that, more than half of those people were wearing pants.
Harry Richard Landis, one of the last two surviving veterans of World War I, died recently at the age of 108.
He was interviewed last year and said he didn’t remember much about his time in the army. He said the only thing he remembers is seeing Joan Rivers at a USO show.
Celebrity birthdays: Ashton Kutcher turns 30 today.
His wife Demi Moore threw a big party at his favorite restaurant – Chuck E. Cheese’s.
[
link |
comment]
February 6, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:23 am UTC
After Super Tuesday the race between Hillary and Obama is pretty tight.
Here’s how it breaks down: Hillary has more delegates but Obama has more Kennedys.
You could tell last night that Hillary Clinton was feeling cocky.
Here’s how cocky she was feeling: for her big victory speech she was wearing a leisure pants suits.
John McCain won big yesterday in Super Tuesday voting.
I was particularly happy because I have McCain in my election fantasy league.
John McCain won big yesterday in Super Tuesday voting.
However, experts say that Mitt Romney can still win the nomination if he wins his last four home states.
John McCain won big yesterday in Super Tuesday voting.
Here’s how the Republican races breaks down now: John McCain is in first place, Mitt Romney is second and Kevin Spacey is third.
Here in New York City they were still cleaning up today from the big ticker tape parade yesterday for the Giants.
Thousands of pounds of paper were dumped on the streets. Officials say they haven’t seen a mess like that since Rosie was on The View.
Here in New York City they were still cleaning up today from the big ticker tape parade yesterday for the Giants.
Thousands of pounds of paper were dumped on the streets. It was the biggest waste of paper since Larry King’s last book.
Yesterday down in Washington Roger Clemens answered questions under oath for Congress about steroid use.
He refused to take the Fifth Amendment, so at least there’s one thing he won’t take.
Maharishi Mahesh Yogi, the famous Indian guru, died this week at the age of 91.
President Bush offered his condolences to the Yogi’s family and his friend Boo Boo.
Good news: New York City is going to repaint all of the subway stations.
Once they’re done with the subway stations then they’ll repaint the hookers.
[
link |
comment]
February 5, 2008.
Web Posted at: 10:23 am UTC
Legendary college basketball coach Bobby Knight retired earlier this week.
He says he wants to spend more time throwing chairs at his family.
Earlier this week President Bush submitted his last budget to Congress.
It’s a $3 trillion budget and here’s how it breaks down: 50% goes for Social Security, 30% goes for defense and the rest goes for beef jerky.
Economists say the President Bush’s new budget will increase the deficit.
The good news is President Bush says he plans to finance the deficit with scratch tickets.
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
You can always tell it’s Fashion Week here in New York City when they cover the sewer grates to keep the supermodels from falling in.
Earlier today I saw a sure sign it’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
On the subway this morning there was guy wearing a designer shirt, tie and jacket – and nothing else.
Celebrity birthdays: Ted Koppel turns 68 today.
Ted Koppel is, of course, famous for being the longtime host of Nightline and for the being the only guy on TV who had a worse hairpiece than mine.
Earlier this week Iran opened its first space center and launched a rocket.
They say, if all goes well, by 2010 they hope to put a camel in orbit.
Earlier this week Iran opened its first space center and launched a rocket.
In response earlier today President Bush said that if Iran wants rockets he’d be happy send a few their way.
Earlier this week Iran opened its first space center.
They say that want to eventually have their own space program so right now they’re conducting test on the effect of zero G on turbans.
It was 44 years ago tomorrow that the Beatles made their American debut right here on this stage.
It’s amazing, it’s been 44 years since the Beatles played here and backstage it still smells a little Ringo-y.
[
link |
comment]
February 4, 2008.
Web Posted at: 2:08 pm UTC
MONDAY: Congratulations to the New York Giants for winning Super Bowl XLII last night.
It was an exciting game. I haven’t been that excited since I accidentally took a double dose of Cialis.
MONDAY: Things got pretty crazy here in Manhattan after the Giants won the Super Bowl last night.
Here’s how crazy things got: at one point a group of fans overturned Rosie O’Donnell.
MONDAY: The Giants winning the Super Bowl was good and bad for me.
The good news is I was happy that the Giants won. The bad news is I have to cover mom’s gambling losses.
MONDAY: Yesterday, just like every year, I had a big Super Bowl party at my house.
And, just like every year, I spent the entire party in my safe room.
MONDAY: We had a big Super Bowl party at my house yesterday.
Mom was there and made her famous 100 proof nachos.
MONDAY: We had a big Super Bowl party at my house yesterday.
I made my famous nachos. Here’s what I put on them: guacamole, salsa, and Lipitor.
MONDAY: How about that Super Bowl half time show?
It was so long and boring that earlier today Arlen Specter promised to investigate.
MONDAY: Saturday was Groundhog Day and the groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter.
President Bush is already doing something about it. Earlier today he invaded Hawaii.
MONDAY: Saturday was Groundhog Day and the groundhog predicted six more weeks of winter.
In response, earlier today Punxsutawney Phil was arrested and sent to Gitmo.
MONDAY: Saturday was Groundhog Day and Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter.
Earlier today Arlen Specter promised to investigate.
TUESDAY: Earlier today here in New York City they had a victory parade for the Giants.
The parade was a big success; only three Giants are missing.
TUESDAY: I voted earlier today and all day people have been asking me who I voted for.
I don’t like to share that kind of information so when I get asked that question I just say I voted for somebody wearing pants.
TUESDAY: This could be a make or break day for Barack Obama.
He could either lock up the Democratic nomination or be in a lot of trouble with Oprah.
TUESDAY: Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their usual Election Day special.
For $50 you can get polled.
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
Everybody here has Fashion Week fever. Earlier today Roger Clemens tested positive for product.
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
Everybody here has Fashion Week fever. Earlier today the Mets traded for Calvin Klein.
[
link |
comment]
