Chumworth on the News – 2008

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Last night in California the Republican candidates had a big debate.

Did you see it? Mitt Romney not only won the debate but he also convinced John McCain to buy a timeshare.

Earlier today California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he’s endorsing John McCain.

Well that should help him lock up the cro-magnon vote.

In an effort to boost the economy the Federal Reserve cut interest rates again this week.

Lower interest rates aren’t good for everybody; for example, they’re killing mom’s loansharking business.

In an effort to boost the economy the Federal Reserve cut interest rates again this week.

In another effort to boost the economy earlier today the Gambinos announced they were cutting their loansharking rates.

Margaret Truman, the daughter of Harry Truman, died this week at the age of 83.

She was a very talented woman. She was a singer, a writer and Regis’s first co-host.

A NASA satellite has taken pictures of a side of the planet Mercury that we’ve never seen before.

The MESSENGER probe took 1,200 pictures which covered 55 percent of the surface. They said it was a lot like trying to take pictures of Rosie.

This month here in New York City we’ve had the least amount of snow for January in 75 years.

The National Weather Service said it’s based on their records and Regis’s memory.

Forbes has named the top 20 “Cash Queens of Music.”

Madonna was the number one cash queen of music. The number two queen? Michael Jackson.

Victoria’s Secret has come out with their list of “What is Sexy.”

Ryan Seacrest made the list for having the sexiest smile. I also made the list for having the sexiest hairpiece.

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John Edwards officially dropped out of the presidential race today.

He says he wants to spend more time with his hair stylist.

Rudy Giuliani finished third in Florida yesterday and earlier today he quit the race.

He shouldn’t quit just because he lost Florida. Hell, it didn’t stop George Bush.

Rudy Giuliani finished third in Florida yesterday after he pinned all his hopes on winning there.

Experts say he was missing the one thing that’s critical to winning Florida: his brother wasn’t the governor.

Hillary Clinton won the Florida primary yesterday but Barack Obama has won another endorsement from a key Democrat.

Earlier today he was officially endorsed by – Bill Clinton.

Celebrity birthdays: Vice President Dick Cheney turns 67 today.

Friends say he had such fun at his party that he couldn’t wipe the sneer off of his face.

Celebrity birthdays: Vice President Dick Cheney turns 67 today.

He had a big party and played his favorite birthday game: shoot the tail off the donkey.

Celebrity birthdays: Vice President Dick Cheney turns 67 today.

He celebrated with a few close friends and cardiologists.

Mike Wallace had triple bypass heart surgery earlier this week.

I, of course, had a bypass a few years ago and it was tough, but the good news is I survived not getting the Tonight Show.

Mike Wallace had triple bypass heart surgery earlier this week.

His doctors say he’s doing great and they still expect him to live longer than me.

Good news: pedestrian deaths here in New York City are at an all time low.

It’s all because Mayor Bloomberg made hitting a pedestrian a ticketable offense.

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Tomorrow is Groundhog Day.

Here’ the deal: if the groundhog sees his shadow, it means six more weeks of winter. If he doesn’t see his shadow, it means Al Gore gets another Oscar.

Tomorrow is Groundhog Day the day Punxsutawney Phil makes his annual prediction.

Punxsutawney Phil is this little creature who lives in a secluded location with his family and once a year his handlers bring him out before the media to make some strange prediction – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Tom cruise.

Did you hear that the organizers of Groundhog Day have a scandal on their hands?

Earlier today they discovered that Punxsutawney Phil is really just a rat on steroids.

The Super Bowl is this Sunday and you can tell that Patriots quarterback Tom Brady is feeling confident.

Here’s how confident he is: he’s spent the whole week watching film of supermodels.

The Super Bowl is this Sunday and here’s my official prediction.

By the end of Sunday night, Tom Brady will be the one hoisting the Bundchen.

Every year there are these crazy Super Bowl proposition bets you can make.

For example, this year you can bet on who gets called for holding first, who the MVP of the game will thank first, how long it will take to sing the national anthem – and those are just the bets that mom has made.

Celebrity birthdays: Grand Central Station turns 95 today.

It’s amazing, 95 years old and many of the original fixtures are still there – but enough about the hookers.

Good news: subway crime in New York City was way down last year.

I can tell subway crime is way down because it’s been months since I’ve been on the subway and had to use my belt as a tourniquet.

Good news: subway crime in New York City was way down last year.

I can tell subway crime is way down because it’s been months since I’ve been on the subway and heard somebody yell “I’m hurt – somebody call Mary Kate Olsen!”

The government says that an old satellite that’s lost power is going to crash into the Earth in the next few weeks.

They say this satellite is as big as a bus. I believe it would be the biggest thing to coming crashing back to Earth since Britney Spears.

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MONDAY: Congratulations to Barack Obama for winning the South Carolina primary on Saturday.

Things are looking pretty good for him; I can already see it now: Vice President Oprah.

MONDAY: After finishing second in the South Carolina primary Hillary Clinton has decided to shake up her campaign staff.

Earlier today she fired the guy who makes her pants suits.

MONDAY: Hillary Clinton was pretty mad about finishing second in the South Carolina primary.

She was so mad that, out of habit, she made her campaign manager sleep on the couch.

TUESDAY: Today was primary day in Florida.

See if you think this is strange: with 90% of all precincts reporting, they’ve projected that the winner of the Republican primary in Florida is – George Bush.

TUESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Oprah Winfrey turns 54 today.

She celebrated with her friends, which explains why I wasn’t there.

TUESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Oprah Winfrey turns 54 today.

Just like every year, I sent her a lovely present and, just like every year, it came back unopened.

TUESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Oprah Winfrey turns 54 today.

Just like every year, I sent her a lovely present and, just like every year, she wrote back a lovely note telling me I was in violation of the restraining order.

The Super Bowl is this Sunday in Arizona and, don’t kid yourself, everything about it is very expensive.

This year it costs $2.7 million for 30 seconds – and that’s just for a hooker.

Earlier tonight/last night President Bush made his last State of the Union address.

You could tell that he was really mailing it in when he gave his Oscar picks.

Earlier tonight/last night President Bush made his last State of the Union address.

You could tell that he was really mailing it in when he gave his review of the new Rambo movie.

Earlier tonight/last night President Bush made his last State of the Union address.

You could tell that he was really mailing it in; all he did was read his bucket list.

Earlier tonight/last night President Bush made his last State of the Union address.

He started off by thanking all of our men and women in uniform fighting for our country – especially Rambo.

The writers strike has even affected the president’s State of the Union address.

Because of the strike President Bush had to write his own monologue.

The Giants are playing in the Super Bowl this Sunday and everybody here in New York has football fever.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering a Super Bowl special: for $50 you can go for two.

Good news: subway crime here in New York City is way down.

I know it’s true because it’s been months since I’ve been on the subway and said “Don’t shoot – I have a child!”

The other day a guy here in New York City set a new world record by standing in a container of ice for 72 minutes.

So, for 72 minutes I wasn’t the coldest person in New York City.

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Economists say we may be heading into a recession.

President Bush says he has a plan to help the economy, and earlier today he awarded the contract to Halliburton.

Economists say we may be heading into a recession.

President Bush is on it; earlier today he called Mary-Kate Olsen.

Republicans and Democrats in Congress are trying to negotiate an economic stimulus package.

Apparently the main sticking point is residuals for online downloads.

Bad news: ratings for American Idol ratings are down.

The good news is earlier today President Bush proposed a ratings stimulus package.

Yesterday Virgin Galactic unveiled the first private spacecraft that will take paying passengers into space.

Here’s the deal: for $200,000 you can ride directly into space; or, for $100,000 you can connect through Pittsburgh.

Yesterday Virgin Galactic unveiled the first private spacecraft that will take paying passengers into space.

Here’s the deal: for $200,000 they’ll take you 70 miles up, let you experience five minutes of zero gravity, and give you one complimentary beverage.

Celebrity birthdays: the Department of Homeland Security is five years old today.

In honor of the occasion earlier today they raised the Cake Threat Level to red

It was 22 years ago that the Voyager 2 spacecraft passed within 50,000 miles of Uranus.

With material like that, who needs writers?

A recent study found that the mercury levels in New York City sushi are dangerously high.

Just to be safe, when I got lunch today, I decided not to order the McSushi.

Archaeologists in China have found a complete human skull that’s 100,000 years old.

They say it’s the oldest, complete human skull that’s seen the light of day since Joan River’s last face lift.

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Fred Thompson dropped out of the 2008 presidential race yesterday.

He says he wants to spend more time with his wife. I can’t blame him – I’d like to spend more time with his wife too.

Fred Thompson dropped out of the 2008 presidential race yesterday.

The good news is earlier today he announced he’s now running for president in 2012.

New England Patriots quarterback only has a minor ankle sprain and should be ready for the Super Bowl.

He’s been putting in a lot of late nights this week watching film on supermodels.

People here in New York City are desperate to get Super Bowl tickets.

Earlier today I saw the Cloverfield monster with a sign that said “Will destroy city for tickets.”

Economists say we may be heading into a recession.

The good news is President Bush has a plan to help the economy; the bad news is it involves Spiderman.

Economists say we may be heading into a recession.

President Bush has a plan to help the economy: he’s going to invade Switzerland.

Here in New York City now all restaurants are required to post calorie information on their menus.

In response earlier today I saw Rupert over at the Hello Deli trying to find out the calorie content of fried rat.

Here in New York City now all restaurants are required to post calorie information on their menus.

And if it works for restaurants then they’ll try the same thing with the hookers.

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Bad news: the stock market is way down.

Here’s how bad the stock market is: earlier today in Central Park I saw a squirrel short selling his nuts.

There was another Democratic debate last night.

I’m torn between the candidates: Obama has the best plan for Iraq, Edwards has the best plan for health care and Hillary has the best pants suit.

Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was photographed yesterday wearing a cast on his foot.

Just in case he’s not ready to go in the Superl Bowl, earlier today his backup started dating Gisele Bundchen.

Congratulations to the New York Giants who are going to play the Patriots in Super Bowl XLII in two weeks.

The Super Bowl is the same thing every year: two weeks of excitement and its then it’s all over, just like an Eddie Murphy marriage.

Tickets for the Super Bowl are going for $10,000 a piece.

That’s crazy; for $10,000 you could take a family of four to a Yankees game.

Don’t kid yourself the Super Bowl is a huge media event.

It’s so big that they’re going have over 100 cameras recording the action – and that’s just what the Patriots are bringing.

Earlier today out in California they announced the Oscar nominations.

You could tell the writers strike is already affecting the Oscars when they announced the five films nominated for “Most Good Movie.”

They’re saying now that the writers strike could disrupt the Oscars.

If the strike isn’t settled by then it could be the most disastrous Oscars show since I hosted it.

Osama bin Laden’s son Omar is leading a campaign for world peace.

His first step is to plead for peace between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.

Osama bin Laden’s son Omar says he had a pretty normal childhood.

He even got into trouble once for wrecking his dad’s camel.

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MONDAY: Congratulations to the New York Giants, who are going to Super Bowl XLII.

So, the good news is the Giants are in the Super Bowl. The bad news is that means I’m once again New York’s biggest disappointment.

MONDAY: Congratulations to the New York Giants, who are going to Super Bowl XLII.

Everybody in New York City has Giants fever. Earlier today my cab driver had on a Giants turban.

MONDAY: Congratulations to the New York Giants, who are going to Super Bowl XLII.

Everybody in New York City has Giants fever. From now until the Super Bowl the Hello Deli is offering half off the plate of giant.

MONDAY: Mayor Bloomberg and the mayor of Boston have already made the traditional Super Bowl bet.

Here’s the deal: if the Giants win Mayor Bloomber gets a crate of lobsters. If the Patriots win, the mayor of Boston gets Regis.

MONDAY: Happy Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

What better place to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day than in New York City? We’ve got all races and nations represented here – and those are just the hookers.

MONDAY: It was freezing cold today here in New York City.

It was so cold today that Al Roker started a bucket list.

MONDAY: It was freezing cold today here in New York City.

The key to beating the cold is to dress in layers. So today I’m wearing two hairpieces.

MONDAY: It was freezing cold today here in New York City.

I haven’t felt a chill in the air like this since I hosted the Academy Awards.

MONDAY: It was freezing cold today here in New York City.

It was so cold today that Roger Clemens tested positive for thinsulate.

MONDAY: It was freezing cold today here in New York City.

It was so cold today that Hillary Clinton was wearing a fleece pants suit.

MONDAY: President Bush has proposed a new plan to help stimulate the economy.

I believe that makes him the first president to propose stimulation since, Bill Clinton.

MONDAY: President Bush has proposed a tax rebate plan to help stimulate the economy.

It’s all part of his “No Deduction Left Behind” plan.

MONDAY: Former world chess champion Bobby Fischer has died at the age of 64.

When my mom heard that America’s most famous, crazed recluse had died she thought it was me.

MONDAY: Former world chess champion Bobby Fischer has died at the age of 64.

For the last few years of his life he was a recluse who blamed all of the world’s trouble on the Jews – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Mel Gibson.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Ellen DeGeneres turns 50 tomorrow.

She looks great for 50 doesn’t she? She really has the body of a much younger man.

FRIDAY: The new Rambo movie opened earlier today.

In this movie Rambo returns to Vietnam, because it was number one his bucket list.

FRIDAY: The new Rambo movie opened earlier today.

This one’s called “Rambo: First Polyp.”

FRIDAY: The new Rambo movie opened earlier today.

You can tell Rambo’s getting a little older; when he first gets back to Vietnam this time he says “Wait, what did I come here for?”

Bed, Bath & Beyond has admitted to lying about the thread counts in their sheets.

So, who’s crazy now, huh?!

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Congratulations to President Bush’s daughter Jenna, who’s getting married in May.

Wedding planning is already underway; earlier today the contract was awarded to Halliburton.

Up in the Bronx the New Yankee Stadium is coming along well.

So far they’ve used lots of cement, steel and glass – and that’s just for the hot dogs.

Bad news: here in New York City we’ve got a flu epidemic going.

Here’s how bad it’s gotten: earlier today half of the rats called in sick

Bad news: here in New York City we’ve got a flu epidemic going.

Everybody’s sick; this morning my cab driver kept sneezing into his turban.

Mitt Romney has emerged as the front runner for the Republican nomination.

You can tell he’s getting a little cocky. Here’s how cocky he’s getting: he’s decided to take on another wife.

Mitt Romney has emerged as the front runner for the Republican nomination.

You can tell he’s getting a little cocky. Here’s how cocky he’s getting: he’s stopped flip-flopping.

The government says that inflation last year was at its highest level since 1990.

I know that I’m paying more for all of my essentials: gas, food, sex…

Celebrity birthdays: Popeye turns 79 today.

Popeye’s pretty old now; he needs to eat two cans of spinach just to open the Cialis.

We learned this week that Spiderman is getting divorced from his wife Mary Jane after 20 years of marriage.

Apparently it was due to the usual reason: web dysfunction.

We learned this week that Spiderman is getting divorced from his wife Mary Jane after 20 years of marriage.

Spiderman’s marriage to Mary Jane was the most famous fictional marriage, other than any of Michael Jackson’s marriages.

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President Bush is finishing up his trip to the Middle East and is coming home.

After eight days he said it’s time to come back home; after all the economy isn’t going to bungle itself.

Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have agreed to end their negative campaigning against each other.

They’ve agreed to stop the name calling, fighting over petty things and to behave civilly towards each other in public. Hillary says if it works with Obama then she’ll try it with Bill.

Last year 46 million tourists visited New York City, a new record.

So, if the hookers in Times Square look beat, you know why.

Scientists in Uruguay have discovered the fossil of a prehistoric rat that was as big as a car.

They say it’s the biggest rat ever found, other than Roger Clemens’s trainer.

Scientists in Uruguay have discovered the fossil of a prehistoric rat that was as big as a car.

They say this prehistoric rat was a lot like today’s New York City rats, only smaller.

Congratulations to Oprah Winfrey, who’s getting her own TV network.

So, that’ll be one more network executive who hates me.

Congratulations to Oprah Winfrey, who’s getting her own TV network.

She was so excited about it that earlier today she was jumping up and down on Tom Cruise’s couch.

They’re saying now that the Grammy Awards may get cancelled because of the writers strike.

So first the Golden Globes were shortened because of the writers strike, and now the Grammys may get cancelled. Remind me again why the writers strike is bad?

Manhattan now officially has a self cleaning public toilet.

I thought we already had toilets that humans don’t clean; they’re called every other public toilet in the city.

Researchers in Germany say they’ve discovered the identity of the woman who was the model for Leonardo da Vinci’s Mona Lisa.

They based their conclusion on library manuscripts, anecdotal evidence and by checking with Joan Rivers.

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President Bush was in Saudi Arabia today to meet with King Abdullah.

They exchanged gifts representing the source of their power: King Abdullah gave Bush a ceremonial sword and Bush gave him a crooked voting machine.

President Bush was in Saudi Arabia today to meet with King Abdullah.

It’s always a big deal when an oil prince meets with the King of Saudi Arabia.

It was ten years ago this week that the Monica Lewinsky story broke.

Monica Lewinsy, or, as I call her, the Mouth That Launched A Thousand Jokes.

John Edwards is trailing in the polls but today he got some news.

Earlier today he was officially endorsed by the United Hair Stylists union.

New York City has officially declared war on rats.

It could be a tough fight; the rats are already massing troops on the border.

The new season of American Idol started tonight.

I’m always glad when American Idol starts up again because it means I’m not the biggest train wreck on TV.

Law enforcement agencies say they’re now investigating the use of steroids by celebrities.

So, more bad news for Rosie.

Law enforcement agencies say they’re now investigating the use of performance enhancing drugs by celebrities.

The good news is the only performance enhancing drug I use is Lipitor.

Manhattan’s first pay toilet is now open.

It’s 25 cents for 15 minutes, or you can get half price tickets at the booth in Times Square.

Manhattan’s first pay toilet is now open.

So far it’ a big hit; tickets are sold out through March.

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MONDAY: Here in New York City today it snowy and wet and cold.

It was so nasty today that Mike Wallace grilled Al Roker.

MONDAY: Here in New York City we had a winter storm today.

The city workers were out early applying salt, sand and de-icer – and that was just for the hookers.

MONDAY: Tomorrow is primary day in Michigan.

Hillary Clinton is all ready for it; all that’s left now is the crying.

MONDAY: The Indianapolis Colts lost to the San Diego Chargers yesterday.

The good news is I’m no longer Indiana’s biggest disappointment.

MONDAY: Congratulations to Nicole Richie who had a baby girl over the weekend.

The baby weighed 6 pounds, 7 ounces – no, I’m sorry, that’s what Nicole Richie weighs.

MONDAY: Congratulations to Nicole Richie who had a baby girl over the weekend.

So, I guess that means she’s once again eating for 1/2.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Andy Rooney turns 89 today.

The good news is that was number 1 on his bucket list.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Andy Rooney turns 89 today.

He celebrated by having dinner with Mike Wallace and comparing bucket lists.

MONDAY: This past Saturday here in New York City they had the annual No Pants Subway Ride.

I saw a guy on the subway on Saturday not wearing pants and I said “Hey, you’re doing the No Pants Subway Ride, huh?” and he said “What’s that?”

MONDAY: Out in Las Vegas this weekend O.J. Simpson was put in jail for violating parole.

The real tragedy here is that now he can’t find the real killers.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Happy birthday to Dolly Parton.

That’s right, tomorrow she turns 62 DD.

Scientists at the University of Minnesota have grown a rat heart in the lab and made it start it beating.

You know what this means; god willing, we may in our lifetimes see the end of rat heart disease.

Scientists at the University of Minnesota have grown a rat heart in the lab and made it start it beating.

So, finally we may have a solution to the rat organ shortage.

Sir Edmund Hillary, the first man to climb Mount Everest has died at the age of 88.

When he climbed Everest it was a really big deal. In fact, nobody got that much press for mounting something that big until Bill Clinton mount Monica.

Two passengers on a British Airways flight were recently arrested for having sex on a flight.

I don’t know how that happens. I mean when I fly I can’t even get a bag of peanuts.

New York City has officially declared war on rats.

It’s a pretty bold move, since rats make up 4%0 of Mayor Bloomberg’s political base.

New York City now officially has a Rat Czar.

That makes sense; after all they already have a representative on city council.

Good news: last year 46 million tourists visited New York City, a new record.

Even better news: almost half of them survived.

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President Bush is in the Middle East this week and earlier today he met with Palestinian President Mamoud Abbas.

Or, as Bush calls him, Bubby.

President Bush is in the Middle East this week.

He’s looking for falafels of mass destruction.

Earlier today President Bush said he’s confident that by the end of his term we’ll have peace between the Israelis and the Palestinians.

The bad news is he also said he wasn’t confident that by the end of his term we’ll have peace between Paul McCartney and Heather Mills.

President Bush is in Israel this week to try and bring peace between Israel and the Palestinians.

Which makes sense because, really, when you think “peacemaker” you think President Bush.

Earlier today John Kerry announced today that he’s endorsing Barack Obama.

That should clinch him the horse-faced guy vote.

Bill Richardson has dropped out of the presidential race.

He said he just can match the charm and run-a-way popularity of Dennis Kucinich.

It was another unseasonably warm day here in New York City today.

It’s been so warm this week that you know Punxsutawney Phil, the groundhog? He’s been laid off.

It was another unseasonably warm day here in New York City today.

It was such a nice day today that those two guys who wheeled their friend to a check cashing place yesterday in a desk chair today wheeled him over to Central Park.

Good news: Manhattan’s first pay toilet officially opened today.

Here’s the deal: for 25 cents you get 15 minutes alone in the toilet, and for 50 cents you get 15 minutes in the toilet with a hooker.

Martha Stewart came out yesterday and endorsed a Hillary/Barack Obama ticket.

I’m thinking Martha should stick to what she knows best – insider trading.

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Congratulations to Hillary Clinton for winning the New Hampshire primary yesterday.

They had a big party at her campaign headquarters after she won. The party got so crazy that at one point Bill actually kissed Hillary.

Congratulations to Hillary Clinton for winning the New Hampshire primary yesterday.

Bill was really excited for Hillary. In fact he said he hasn’t been this excited since he hired Monica.

John Edwards finished third in New Hampshire yesterday.

He’s shaking up his campaign staff. Earlier today he fired his hair stylist.

This warm weather in January is really strange.

I can’t tell you how strange it is to go down to Times Square in January and not see a single hooker wearing fleece.

Congratulations to former Yankee Goose Gossage who was elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame yesterday.

He celebrated with his wife, Swan Gossage.

Earlier this week Mr. Blackwell came out with his list of the worst dressed women.

Here are Mr. Blackwell’s top three worst dressed celebrity women: number 3 was Mary Kate Olsen, number 2 was Amy Winehouse and the worst dressed woman: Michael Jackson.

Good news: the death rate last year here in New York City was at an all time low.

Here are the top three causes of death of New Yorkers: heart disease, cancer and cabs.

Good news: the death rate last year here in New York City was an all time low.

A couple of more years like that and New Yorkers will officially be removed from the endangered species list.

Madonna visited a slum in Mumbai, India earlier this week.

She said she hasn’t seen a pathetic mess like that since her last visit to Britney Spears’s house.

Madonna visited a slum in Mumbai, India earlier this week.

Naturally, before she made the trip a lot of shots were required. But the good news is nobody in India caught anything from her.

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It was another warm day today here in New York City today.

It was so warm today that Roger Clemens tested positive for lemonade.

It was another warm day today here in New York City today.

It was so warm today that Roger Clemens sued Al Gore.

This warm weather is screwing everybody up.

Earlier today I saw a rat shedding its winter coat.

Today in New Hampshire they held the first presidential primary.

The races are too close to call yet; all we can say for sure is that the winner is wearing a pants suit.

Today in New Hampshire they held the first presidential primary.

New Hampshire is pretty good at picking who will win the presidential election. For example, in 2000 New Hampshire picked Al Gore.

Yesterday the state of New Jersey officially apologized for slavery.

Not to be outdone, earlier today the State of New York apologized for the Knicks.

The writers guild has reached an agreement with Tom Cruise’s production company United Artists.

Each side compromised; United Artists agreed to pay writers residuals on Internet downloads and the writers all agreed to become to Scientologists.

The writers guild has reached an agreement with Tom Cruise’s production company United Artists.

The writers are excited about this deal. Earlier today a bunch of them were jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch.

Celebrity birthdays: today is Elvis’s 73rd birthday.

Elvis celebrated quietly with family and friends.

Earlier today they took down the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.

It’s actually pretty easy to get rid of. What they did was they just left it unattended and unlocked overnight and by this morning it was gone.

It was on this date in 1790 that George Washington gave the first State of the Union address right here in New York City.

It wasn’t only the first State of the Union address; it was also the first event covered by Mike Wallace.

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MONDAY: Last night here on CBS Mike Wallace interviewed Roger Clemens about his alleged steroid use.

So, for one night, I wasn’t the most over-medicated guy on CBS.

MONDAY: Hillary Clinton got pretty angry during a debate in New Hampshire over the weekend.

She got so mad that, out of habit, so told John Edwards to sleep on the couch.

MONDAY: Hillary Clinton got pretty angry with John Edwards during a debate in New Hampshire over the weekend.

Did you see it? I haven’t seen a Clinton get all over somebody like that since Bill jumped on Monica.

MONDAY: All the candidates are in New Hampshire campaigning like crazy before tomorrow’s primary.

Mitt Romney was all over the place today – but enough about his positions.

MONDAY: All the candidates are in New Hampshire campaigning like crazy before tomorrow’s primary.

Here’s how crazy it is: today alone John Edwards visited 5 different hair salons.

MONDAY: The Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center is coming down tomorrow.

Here’s how they’ll do it: a team or workers will use ropes and a crane to put it on a flatbed truck and drive it out of the city. It’s the same way they got Rosie off The View.

MONDAY: The Christmas tree at Rockefeller Center is coming down tomorrow.

Once that comes down the most famous dead wood in New York will be the Knicks.

MONDAY: Congratulations to the New England Patriots for completing the regular season 16-0.

Here in New York we wish our team would win 16 games – but enough about the Knicks.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Katie Couric turns 51 today.

She celebrated with a small handful of friends and family members – or as she calls them, her audience.

MONDAY: Britney Spears met with Dr. Phil over the weekend.

Dr. Phil says she’s the biggest mess he’s seen other than me.

MONDAY: Britney Spears threw Dr. Phil out of her hospital bed over the weekend.

So, the good news is she’s apparently come to her senses.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Rush Limbaugh turns 57 tomorrow.

His friends threw him a party and had a girl jump out of an oversized prescription bottle.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Howard Stern turns 54 tomorrow.

The good news is there was some lesbian action at his party. The bad news is one of the lesbians was Rosie.

FRIDAY: Earlier this week I shaved off my beard.

I was kind of sad to see it go but the good news is I had my beard hair made into a new hairpiece.

Al Qaeda announced this week that their videos can now be downloaded to cell phones.

The good news is they also announced they’ll be paying their writers residuals for every video downloaded.

Al Qaeda just released their first video of 2008.

It’s a lot like their usual videos, but without a monologue or scripted comedy.

There’s a new book out about Tom Cruise that claims he’s surrounded by Scientologists, that a team of advisors pick his girlfriends, and that his child may have been conceived by the sperm of a dead guy.

It’s like I have a twin.

Britney Spears’s 16 year old sister Jamie Lynn is pregnant.

I feel bad for the Spears parents. You know you’ve done a lousy parenting job when Britney is the responsible child.

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I don’t like to talk about people when they’re not here but last night’s crowd was rough.

Halfway through the show they started demanded our writers go back on strike.

Tonight’s our second show back after two months off because of the writers strike.

The good thing about being off for two months is that we had a lot more new material than usual. The bad news is we used it all up last night.

Earlier today they had the Iowa caucuses.

Here’s crazy the presidential elections have gotten. Today’s caucuses in Iowa were for the 2012 election.

It was 35 years ago today that George Steinbrenner bought the New York Yankees for $3.2 million.

Here’s how much things have changed. 35 years ago $3.2 million bought you the Yankees. Today $3.2 million will buy you a Yankee Stadium hot dog.

Rosie O’Donnell was recently voted the Most Annoying Celebrity of 2007.

It hasn’t all been bad news for Rosie. Earlier today she voted to the Pro Bowl.

Parade magazine has come out with their list of the Most Annoying Celebrities of 2007.

The good news is I didn’t make the list this year. The bad news is it’s only because I’ve been off the air for two months.

Celebrity birthdays: Mel Gibson turns 52 today.

Friends say he’s not happy about getting older – and I think we know he’s blaming…

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Tonight is our first new show in almost two months.

Here’s how long it’s been: the last time we did a show Hillary Clinton was wearing her fall pants suit.

Tonight is our first new show in almost two months.

It’s been so long since we did a show that I almost forgot how to put on my hairpiece.

Tonight is our first new show in almost two months.

It was the longest break this show has had that didn’t involve me going to the hospital.

Tonight is our first new show in almost two months.

It’s been so long since I told any jokes that just before I came out I warmed up in back by telling Bill Clinton/Monica Lewinsky jokes.

The writers strike has been hard on a lot of people.

The last strike to affect this many people in New York City was when the hookers walked out.

Don’t kid yourself, the writers have really been hit hard by the strike.

Earlier today I saw a writer with a sign that said “Will write Mike Huckabee jokes for food.”

Tomorrow is the Iowa caucuses.

All the candidates were in Iowa today trying to fit in. In fact Hillary Clinton was wearing an overalls pants suit.

Good news: the Jets are going to reinstate beer sales next season.

Here’s how it will work: you can buy one beer at a time and they won’t sell beer to anybody who’s drunk and rowdy. It’s the same thing they do at The View.

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