Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
October 31, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:23 am UTC
Happy Halloween!
Here in New York City tonight the streets were filled with goblins, freaks and hobos – and then there were the trick-or-treaters.
Happy Halloween!
It was a quiet Halloween at my house – there were only a couple of groups of kids that I had to sick the dogs on.
Happy Halloween!
Back in Indiana my mom was giving out her usual Halloween treats: nicotine gum and Red Bull.
Happy Halloween!
I took my son Harry trick-or-treating earlier tonight and at every house we stopped at they said the same thing to me: I love your show, Regis.
Everybody here in New York City has Halloween fever.
Earlier today Hillary Clinton was wearing an orange pants suit.
Everybody here in New York City has Halloween fever.
Donald Trump replaced that thing on his head with a black cat.
The top movie in the country right now is “Saw IV.”
I’m not into horror movies. If I want to watch people get slaughtered I’ll just turn on the Knicks.
Elvis Presley has been named the Top Earning Dead Celebrity by Forbes Magazine.
Number 2 on the list? Joan Rivers.
Elvis Presley has been named the Top Earning Dead Celebrity by Forbes Magazine.
I read the list and I’m not sure if this is good news or bad news, but I was in the top ten.
Good news: New Jersey has lifted the ban on squirrel meat.
In a related story, meatloaf is back on the menu at the Hello Deli.
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October 30, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:32 am UTC
It was a lovely fall day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that the Yankees offered a job to Al Roker.
The Yankees have hired Joe Girardi to be their new manager.
The Yankee job is obviously very attractive because it pays well, it’s very prestigious and you have Octobers offs.
The Yankees have hired Joe Girardi to be their new manager.
Team officials say it was a tough choice between Girardi and Drew Carey.
Alex Rodriguez opted out of his contract with the Yankees yesterday.
He’s walking away from $91 million. They’re saying it’s the dumbest career move since I left NBC.
Earlier today in Boston they had a big celebration for the Red Sox.
Things got a little rowdy. At one point the crowd started tossing around Ted Williams’ head.
Up in Boston the other night there was rioting in the streets after the Red Sox won the World Series.
Here’s how crazy it was: they arrested 37 people and Ted Williams’ head.
Donald Trump is going to host a new show where he helps people to settle disputes.
If you think about it, he’s a perfect judge – he’s already got the horsehair wig.
Scientists in Iceland recently found the oldest living animal: a 400 year-old clam.
After they caught it they counted the rings in the shell to see how old it was and then they sent it directly to Red Lobster.
China launched their first lunar probe last week.
It’s a busy mission; on the way to the moon the probe made a stop at the International Space Station to deliver some sweet and sour pork.
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October 29, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:23 am UTC
MONDAY: Dick Cheney was in New York this weekend to do a little hunting.
It was a successful trip – he bagged three old guys.
MONDAY: Dick Cheney was in New York this weekend to do a little hunting.
It was a successful trip – he went back to Washington with an old guy strapped to the hood of his limo.
MONDAY: Congratulations to the Boston Red Sox for winning the World Series last night.
Apparently global warming still hasn’t had any effect in hell.
MONDAY: Former Yankee manager Joe Torre is a guest on the show tonight.
It should go well – he’s used to working with overpaid disappointments.
MONDAY: Former Yankee manager Joe Torre is a guest on the show tonight.
And if he does well tonight, he can come back tomorrow night.
MONDAY: The Yankees are still trying to pick a new manager.
Sources say it’s down to Don Mattingly, Joe Girardi or Rosie O’Donnell.
MONDAY: Alex Rodriguez has opted out of his contract with the Yankees.
The Yankees say they won’t try to resign him, so next year the most over priced thing at Yankee Stadium will be the hot dogs.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Hillary Clinton turned 60 last week.
She had a nice party with friends and family – she raised $10 million.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Hillary Clinton turned 60 last week.
Hillary’s getting a little older now; I just hope Bill doesn’t lose interest in her…
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: the Statue of Liberty turned 121 yesterday.
Here are the stats on the Statue of Liberty: she’s 121 years old, her skin is made of copper, and she underwent a $60 million renovation in 1986 – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Cher.
FRIDAY: The New York City Marathon is this Sunday.
There’s no marathon like the New York Marathon. It’s the only marathon where the runners carry mace.
FRIDAY: Here in New York they’re getting ready for the big marathon this weekend.
They’re already setting up comfort station along the route; each comfort station offers beverages, high calorie snacks and hookers.
FRIDAY: Don’t forget to turns your clocks back this weekend.
Here’s what I do every year at this time: I’ll change my clocks on Saturday right before I take my hairpiece off and get into bed.
Here in New York City they’re going to add 850 hybrid buses over the next two years.
Mayor Bloomberg says once all the buses are hybrids they’ll start converting to hybrid hookers.
Scientists in France have used figured out that the Mona Lisa originally had eyebrows and eyelashes.
They used a special high-definition camera to see under the centuries of dirt and paint to find her original eyebrows and eyelashes. Now they’re going to try it on Joan Rivers.
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October 18, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:23 am UTC
I’m glad you people are here. Last night’s audience was rough.
Here’s how rough they were: the only time they applauded was when they heard the building was on fire.
We had a fire here at the Ed Sullivan Theater yesterday.
Luckily nobody was hurt but I still can’t get the smoky smell out of my hairpiece.
When I got home last night I had a bunch of messages from family members who’d heard about the fire and wanted to know if I was alright.
So, I had to call them all back and break the bad news that I survived.
Yesterday President Bush said that if Iran gets nuclear weapons it could lead to another World War.
That’s right; he said if Iran gets nuclear weapons it could lead to World War II.
Yesterday President Bush said that if Iran gets nuclear weapons it could lead to another World War.
He said he could be even worse if Iran gets nuculer weapons.
Down in Washington this week they’re having confirmation hearing for Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey.
We’ve already learned a lot about him. For example, we learned he’s against torturing terror suspects but he’s in favor of torturing telemarketers.
Down in Washington this week they’re having confirmation hearing for Attorney General nominee Michael Mukasey.
Experts predict a quick confirmation followed by a short, scandal-ridden tenure.
Scientists in South Africa recently found cooked seafood that’s 164,000 years old.
They say it’s the oldest cooked seafood outside of a Red Lobster.
Scientists in South Africa recently found makeup that’s 164,000 years old.
They were able to date the makeup using optical dating techniques, carbon dating and by asking Joan Rivers when she bought it.
It was 140 years ago today that the United States bought Alaska from Russia for $7.2 million.
Only ten more years and it’ll finally be paid off.
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October 17, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:56 am UTC
It was another beautiful day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Britney Spears tried to get visitation rights to Al Roker.
It was another beautiful day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Ellen DeGeneres was giving away dogs in the park.
Earlier today President Bush held a press conference.
He touched on all the hot button issues of the day: the situation in Iraq, relations with China and Ellen DeGeneres’ dog.
The Yankees still haven’t decided whether Joe Torre will be back as manager next year.
However, they did announce today that in 2009 the job goes to Conan O’Brien.
The FBI says that Al Qaeda is operating in New Jersey.
They’re suspected of being involved in recruiting, planning terror attacks and loan sharking.
We learned this week that Dick Cheney and Barack Obama have a common relative.
They say if you look closely you can see a resemblance when they sneer.
A guy here in New York has accused P. Diddy of assaulting him at a nightclub last weekend.
P. Diddy is denying he was involved. He’s even changed his name to P. Don’ty.
Here in New York this week they broke up a big drug smuggling operation at JFK airport.
Officials became suspicious when not enough bags were getting lost.
There’s a new study out that finds that men who have sex more often are more fertile.
That explains all of those out-of-wedlock kids
There’s a new study out that finds that men who have sex more often are more fertile.
That explains why I didn’t have a kid until I was in my 50s.
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October 16, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:23 am UTC
Earlier today in Washington President Bush met with the Dali Lama.
President Bush greeted him with a warm “Hello, Dali!”
In Las Vegas two of OJ Simpson’s co-defendants have agreed to testify against him.
Here’s how bad things look for OJ: legal experts say the only way he’s getting off this time is if his defense attorney is Maya Angelou.
Condoleezza Rice is in the Middle East this week.
So far the trip is going well, which isn’t surprising since we all know how much people in the Middle East love rice.
Condoleezza Rice is in the Middle East this week to try and bring peace between Israel and the Palestinians.
She said if that goes well then she’ll try to bring peace between Britney and K Fed.
Last night in California Britney Spears was booked and fingerprinted for driving without a license.
A police spokesman said she was cooperative and barely lip-synced a word.
Senator Larry Craig has filed an appeal to withdraw his guilty plea for lewd behavior.
He says he didn’t mean to plead guilty and it was just a misunderstanding; he thought one tap of his foot meant “not guilty.”
The FBI says that Al Qaeda is operating in New Jersey.
They say the leader of Al Qaeda in New Jersey is a guy named Mohammed Gambino.
Earlier today in Iraq Chemical Ali was executed.
I know he was a bad guy, but I feel sorry for his wife, Posh Ali.
Earlier today in Iraq Chemical Ali was executed.
I know he was a bad guy, but I feel sorry for his kids, Sean Preston and Jayden James Ali.
Scientists in Argentina have discovered the skeleton of a new dinosaur species.
Before they can declare it a new species of dinosaur they’ll need another opinion by an expert in ancient fossils, so they’re going to run it by Joan Rivers’s doctor.
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October 15, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:17 am UTC
MONDAY: Congratulations to Al Gore who won the Nobel Peace Prize.
So now he’s won a Nobel Prize, an Academy Award and a presidential election.
MONDAY: Ramadan officially ended this weekend.
That means that the cabs are back to their normal schedules.
MONDAY: I’m sorry if I seem a little down tonight.
It’s that time of year – I’m suffering from the usual post-Ramadan blues.
MONDAY: Here in New York City this weekend the Empire State Building was lit up with green lights in honor of Ramadan.
Here’s what got lit up in New York over the weekend in honor of Ramadan: the Empire State Building and the Jets.
MONDAY: Here in New York City this weekend the Empire State Building was lit up with green lights in honor of Ramadan.
Also, in honor of Ramadan, over the Hello Deli this week they’re offering half off the green meatloaf.
MONDAY: Senator Ted Kennedy had surgery this weekend for a blocked artery.
As a show of support in the Senate today Hillary Clinton was wearing one of his pants suits.
MONDAY: This weekend here in New York a guy was walking around Times Square naked.
The police took him to a hospital for evaluation and the good news is Regis was already back at work today.
It was a chilly fall day here in New York City today.
It was so chilly that the Nobel committee took Al Gore’s Peace Prize away.
It was a beautiful fall day today here in New York City.
It was so nice today that Al Roker was walking around Times Sqaure naked.
You can certainly tell that fall is here.
Earlier today Marion Jones tested positive for candy corn.
You can certainly tell that fall is here.
Earlier today over at St. Patrick’s the priests were jumping into piles of altar boys.
You can certainly tell that fall is here.
Earlier today over at Grant’s Tomb they hung up the dried corn.
Here in New York City Mayor Bloomberg wants to plant 1 million new trees.
It’s going to cost $400 million; $100 million for the trees and $300 million to install Lojack in each one.
Out in California Britney Spears was awarded one visit per week with her kids.
Here’s how it will work: once a week the kids will drive themselves to her house.
Out in California Snoop Dogg has been sentenced to community service for carrying an illegal weapon.
He’ll have to spend a day picking up trash. His first task will be to pick up Britney Spears.
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October 12, 2007.
Web Posted at: 7:57 pm UTC
Late Show Writing Submission – 2007
12 October, 2007
Steve Young
c/o Late Show with David Letterman
1697 Broadway
New York, NY 10019
Dear Steve,
Enclosed you will find a writing submission so that I might be considered for employment as a staff writer on the Late Show. I’m sending it to you in the hopes that you would pass it along to the appropriate person or people there at the show. My submission packet consists of a cover letter, my writing submission, a list of my jokes that have been used on the Late Show, and a signed release form.
I appreciate your help and encouragement. Thanks very much again for the opportunity to contribute to the Late Show.
Sincerely,
Phil Johnson
99 Beacon Street
Reading, MA 01867
(781) 942-2416
chumworth@hotmail.com
12 October, 2007
Late Show with David Letterman
1697 Broadway
New York, NY 10019
To Whom It May Concern,
My name is Phil Johnson and I would like to be considered for employment as a staff writer at the Late Show with David Letterman. Enclosed you will find my writing submission consisting of three Top Ten Lists and various other ideas, along with a signed release form.
Since June of 2003 I’ve worked as a freelance monologue joke writer for the Late Show, submitting jokes to Bill Scheft and Steve Young on a daily basis. I’ve gotten a continuous stream of jokes on air, copies of which you will find enclosed. Prior to that, I spent three years submitting monologue jokes in a similar capacity to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. I’ve also written jokes for Last Call with Carson Daly and sold material to The Colbert Report.
I feel that I have a good sense of what the show is all about and that my unique sense of humor would be a valuable addition to the Late Show.
Thank you very much for your time.
Sincerely,
Phil Johnson
99 Beacon Street
Reading, MA 01867
(781) 942-2416
chumworth@hotmail.com
It was a nice day today here in New York City today. It was so nice today that Isiah Thomas sexually harassed Al Roker.
The big U. N. General Assembly here in New York City is finally over. It was a big success – only five world leaders are missing.
The big Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon is coming up this weekend. This year the oil in Jerry’s hair will be trans fat free.
Scientists in Baltimore have engineered the world’s first schizophrenic mice. Big deal. Here in New York half of our rats are on Prozac.
It was so hot today that crooked NBA ref was fixing hockey games.
There’s a new sex survey that has compiled the top 237 reasons that people have sex. For me number two would be my credit card went through.
President Bush’s doctors found five small polyps in his colon this weekend. I’m thinking we should send these guys out to look for bin Laden.
Celebrity birthdays: David Hasselhoff turns 55 today. He celebrated by eating cake off the floor.
The hookers in Times Square are offering their Friday the 13th special. For an extra $50 you’re guaranteed to get lucky.
It was so hot today that Paris Hilton asked to be put back in the cooler.
You can tell that it’s Fleet Week here in New York City. Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were out front whistling at sailors.
Experts say gas is going to hit $4 per gallon this summer. It’s all part of President Bush’s “No Oil Company Left Behind†program.
John Edwards had a $400 Beverly Hills haircut. That’s a lot of dough. This hairpiece didn’t cost me $400.
It was a stormy day here New York City today. The weather was so bad that Al Sharpton called for the firing of Al Roker.
It was so nice today that that crazy astronaut was wearing nothing but a diaper.
Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts who won Super Bowl XLI last night. So, now that the Colts have won the Super Bowl I’m once again Indianapolis’s biggest disappointment.
President Bush has the answer for global warming. He’s going to send 20,000 troops to the sun.
The Yankees have traded Randy Johnson back to the Arizona Diamondbacks. So I guess now the oldest, most overpriced things in Yankee Stadium will be the hot dogs.
The Christmas season is here which means I have lots of people to tip. Every year I go through the same dilemma: how much should I tip the guy who dry cleans my hairpiece?
Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto was the number one movie last week and this week it dropped to number five. Guess who Mel is blaming…
Snoop Dogg has been arrested for drug possession. He says he’s going to fight it; he’s going to pleade not-g’izzle.
North Korea recently tested a nuclear weapon. President Bush said it’s OK, just so long as they don’t conduct a nuculer test.
It was a beautiful day today in New York City. It was so nice today that ex-Congressman Mark Foley was sending inappropriate emails to Al Roker.
It was a beautiful day today in New York City. It was so nice over at St. Patrick’s I saw a group of priests playing touch football with the altar boys.
A scientist in Japan has developed a way for mice to give birth to rats. Finally, a solution to our rat shortage.
Paramount Pictures has terminated its relationship with Tom Cruise. Tom was so upset about it earlier today he called Brooke Shields to see if he could borrow some antidepressants.
In the new Miami Vice movie Crockett and Tubbs are a little older now. They spend most of the movie trying to bust up an illegal shipment of Lipitor.
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock announced that they’re getting married next week on a yacht. Pam will not only be the bride but she’ll also serve as a flotation device.
President Bush is in Russia attending the G8 summit. He wants to talk about hot spots in the world: fighting in the Middle East, missiles in North Korea, pirates in the Carribbean…
It was so hot today here in New York City the Statue of Liberty was wearing a halter top.
It was so hot today here in New York City that Angelina Jolie adopted an Eskimo.
President Bush is in Austria today trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade. Yeah, he has no idea what that means either.
Anna Nicole Smith announced last week that she’s pregnant. You know what that means: she’s gold digging for two now.
The Federal Trade Commission has ruled that oil companies are not gouging customers. They said technically they’re screwing customers.
Earlier tonight President Bush addressed the United States about immigration. During the speech he laid out his proposal and then he tried to hold his breath for nine minutes.
Last night was the series finale of “The West Wing†and ABC has cancelled “Commander in Chief.†So now the only fictional president is Bush.
Yesterday the House of Representatives passed a $70 billion capital gains tax cut. It’s all part of President Bush’s No Millionaire Left Behind program.
It’s one of the worst allergey seasons on record here in New York City. It’s so bad earlier today Rush Limbaugh admitted he was addicted to Claritin.
For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like having sex. It costs me $50 and it’s over in two minutes.
A woman in El Salvador recently celebrated her 128th birthday, making her the oldest person in the world. And fellas – she’s single.
Today is the 100th anniversary of the big San Francisco earthquake. FEMA is on the way.
Earlier today the Yankees played their home opener at Yankee Stadium. It was an emotional moment when they introduced the old timers – and those were just the hot dogs.
Earlier today there was a total eclipse of the sun. President Bush said the eclipse of the sun proves the unreliability of solar power.
We learned last week that when Dick Cheney travels he has to have a “downtime suite,” where he can relax and take it easy. President Bush also has a “downtime suite” – it’s called the Oval Office.
President Bush’s former domestic policy adviser Claude Allen was charged with defrauding a department store. President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea he had a domestic policy adviser.
New York Knicks President Isiah Thomas has been charged with sexual harassment by a former employee. On the bright side it’s nice to see somebody on the Knicks who’s got some moves.
Researchers in Austria believe they’ve found Mozart’s skull. They say they used a DNA test and, just to be sure, had Joan Rivers identify it.
I don’t like to talk about people when they’re not here, but last night’s audience was really unpleasant. They got downright ugly when they realized Oprah wasn’t going to be giving away any cars.
Relief pitcher Billy Wagner has agreed to sign a deal with the Mets. The deal is pending a physical – so he can have his head examined.
President Bush is on an eight-day tour of Asia. He’s visiting American jobs.
Osama bin Laden’s brother is under investigation in France for money laundering. This is the kind of thing that could give the bin Laden family a bad name.
Tomorrow here in New York City is Election Day. Mayor Bloomberg is so confident about being reelected that earlier today he called Florida and cancelled the crooked voting machines.
Yesterday President Bush nominated former Princeton economist Ben Bernanke to be the next Chairman of the Federal Reserve. Apparently Bush is trying out a new strategy – qualified people.
We’re still waiting for the results of the Iraqi election. The Sunnis are saying the vote was rigged. I guess they really are getting an American style democracy.
Yesterday at Madison Square Garden they had the annual Cat Show. I’m thinking if I wanted to see pussies at the Garden I’ll go watch the Knicks play.
President Bush is at his ranch in Texas on a five-week vacation. Let’s see, oil prices are at record highs, the economy is still sluggish and Iraq is a mess – yeah, I’d say he’s earned five weeks off.
Former President Clinton was offered 40 goats and 20 cows for his daughter Chelsea during a recent trip to Kenya. President Clinton said no, but he did ask the guy what he’d give him for Hillary.
I always love the Fourth of July weekend because it combines two of America’s favorite past times – alcohol and explosives.
Yesterday they had the annual Gay Pride Parade here in New York City. It was so hot during the parade that 20 minutes in regretted wearing my leather chaps.
Saddam Hussein is writing a book of his memoirs. I believe he’s the first jailed dictator to write a book since Martha Stewart.
Pope Benedict XVI officially moved into the papal apartments this weekend. Today he spent the entire day waiting for the cable guy.
The newly elected president of Iraq said that he expects U.S. troops will leave the country within two years. The bad news is they’ll be next door in Iran.
U.S. customs agents arrested a man for trying to smuggle 800 pounds of bologna from Mexico. President Bush said that this proves we’re winning the war against deli meat.
There are rumors now that Britney Spears is pregnant. If that’s true, you know what it means: she’s lip-syncing for two now.
Martha Stewart apparently has a lot of things to work out before she’s released from prison this weekend. For example, how much do you tip a warden?
Everybody here in New York is in the President’s Day spirit. On my way to work today my cab driver was wearing a stovepipe turban.
The Post Office introduced a Ronald Reagan stamp this week and said they’ve already printed 170 million of them. I believe that will make Reagan the most licked president since – Bill Clinton.
Yesterday Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice warned Iran to stop its nuclear program or face the next step. I believe now the next step now would be the “fabrication of the evidence.”
Paul McCartney is performing during half time of the Super Bowl this year. The only thing that’s likely to pop out during his performance are his teeth.
Martha Stewart lost a tree-trimming contest in prison. The good news is later that night in the showers Martha won a knife fight.
Earlier today here in New York they had the big Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade. There was trouble at the parade when somebody threw a beer and Santa went into the stands and punched a guy.
Ron Artest of the Indiana Pacers has been suspended for the rest of the season by the NBA for brawling with the fans. The good news is he’s been named to host next year’s Vibe Awards.
Vice President Dick Cheney was rushed to the hospital over the weekend. It was pretty scary. For a few minutes, President Bush was actually in charge.
Commerce Secretary Don Evans resigned yesterday. President Bush was pretty surprised by this – he had no idea we had a Commerce Secretary.
The FCC has fined CBS $550,000 for the Janet Jackson incident during the Super Bowl. This is the most CBS has paid for a boob since they hired me.
A rare 23-carat ruby is now on display at the Smithsonian Institute. It’ll be on display through the rest of the year, and then it’s going back to Mrs. Kobe Bryant.
Earlier tonight the Yankees and Red Sox played game seven of their playoff series. The weather forecast certainly favored the Red Sox. It was breezy with a 60 percent chance of hell freezing over.
Congratulations to Britney Spears who got married again this weekend. Friends say it was a beautiful ceremony, particularly when she lip-sync’d “I do.”
Former President Bill Clinton is recovering from quadruple heart bypass surgery this week. Doctors say he’s awake but sedated. In fact, he’s on so much medication that earlier today he accidentally hit on Hillary.
It’s pretty wild here in New York right now with the convention. So far this week we’ve had naked people in the streets, all night parties, people getting arrested – and that’s just the Bush twins.
Ted Kennedy spoke at the Democratic National Convention last night. Ted looked great. They say he’s lost so much weight he had to borrow a pants suit from Hillary.
Martha Stewart was sentenced last week to five months in jail. She had to surrender her passport Рand her recipe for cr̬me brulee.
Martha Stewart got five months in jail and five months of home confinement. The good news is she gets time off for tasteful behavior.
Over in Athens they’re poisoning 15,000 stray dogs before the Olympics next month. Because, of course, nothing says “Welcome!” like 15,000 dead dogs.
O.J. Simpson says that he is getting his own reality TV show. He says it’ll be a lot like “Punk’d”. It’s going to be called “Knife’d.”
Over in Iraq CIA interrogators say that Saddam Hussein has not been talking and that he’s obsessed with hygiene and careful food preparation. No, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Martha Stewart.
Down in Texas President Bush fell of his bicycle on Saturday. First John Kerry fell off his bike and now President Bush. The only thing former President Bill Clinton ever fell off was an intern.
Jennifer Lopez is getting married again. This time she’s getting married to singer Marc Anthony. I believe next year she’ll be starting in on the “B”s.
President Bush says he’s not going to attend either one of his daughter’s college graduations this month, so he doesn’t create a distraction. Just like with his National Guard service.
Earlier today President Bush appeared on two different Arab television networks. The spots were a big success – he raised about $10 million.
Two men were arrested in Central Park after they were found naked in a tree having sex. When the police asked them why they were having sex in a tree, they said because the subway was too crowded.
Former Vice President Al Gore has bought a cable TV station. He says it will be like C-SPAN – only less exciting.
A French lawyer has been chosen to represent Saddam Husseim in his upcoming war crimes trial. This guy sounds pretty sharp. He says the first thing he’s going to try is to get the trial moved to California.
MTV is developing a new reality show starring Jessica Simpson’s younger sister Ashlee. Here’s the scary part: they say she’s the dumb one.
Spain’s newly elected Prime Minister announced that he’s going to pull all Spanish troops out of Iraq. I believe this is the quickest pull out by a world leader since – Clinton.
Howard Dean has dropped out of the presidential race. He broke the news to his supporters and thanked them for their support with a heartfelt, crazed rant.
More Mars news: Europe’s Mars Express orbiter has photographed Mars’ Valles Marineris, the largest canyon in the solar system. Just to give you an idea of how big it is, they say it’s even deeper than the hole Martha Stewart is in.
The FCC is going to investigate the Janet Jackson incident during the Super Bowl halftime show. Former President Clinton has already volunteered to lead the investigation.
Earlier tonight in New Hampshire there was a debate among the Democratic presidential candidates. Howard Dean is still having some trouble controlling himself. During the debate he put Dennis Kucinich in a headlock.
Coalition officials in Iraq say that Saddam Hussein is finally starting to talk. Earlier today he admitted that he bet on baseball.
They’re saying Saddam Hussein may have been responsible for the murder of 1 million people. He’s blaming it all on his addiction to painkillers.
President Bush and Queen Elizabeth have a lot in common. They both came into power without being elected.
A woman in California went into a restaurant and found a condom in her clam chowder. Apparently what happened was, she took a bite of her clam chowder and bit into something rubbery – then she bit into the condom.
Citizens in Los Angeles have voted to bring back lap dancing. Sounds like things are finally getting back to normal in California.
California Gov.-elect Arnold Schwarzenegger was in Washington. D.C. today. This seems like a good a time as any to leave California – nothing major going on there. (Bad wildfires were going on at the time)
Arnold Schwarzenegger says he will not make movies while he is governor. Too bad we can’t get Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez to run for office.
Elia Kazaan, the director of “On the Waterfront” and “A Streetcar named Desire” died this weekend at age 94. Police said he died of natural causes – Marlon Brando ate him.
Osama bin Laden is hosting a terrorist convention in Afghanistan. Next year they’re planning on holding it in Atlantic City.
We’ve got a big problem here in New York City now – rats. Lots of rats. They say there are 50 million rats in the city. And that’s not counting the ones who commute. (Used three times on air)
Today I saw another sure sign that summer is here. Demi Moore dropping Ashton Kutcher off at summer camp.
In an effort to curb the spread of monkeypox the U.S. government banned the sale of prairie dogs. I hope this doesn’t affect the price of a Whopper.
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR NEIGHBOR IS HIDING OSAMA BIN LADEN
10. In his latest video Osama is shown speaking in front of your deck
9. Crazy, one-eyed sheik is always going into his garage
8. When you Google Osama bin Laden the first link is a map to his house
7. Lots of “OBL†monogrammed turbans on his clothes line
6. His Christmas card features him, his wife, his kids and a tall bearded guy in a turban
5. His recycling bin is filled with copies of the Al Qaeda Daily News
4. You’re woken up at night by bunker busting bombs being dropped on his place
3. Playboys for “O. B. Laden†at his address keep getting delivered to you by accident
2. There’s a car parked in his driveway with the license plate Al Qaeda 1
1. President Bush declares his house part of the Axis of Evil
TOP TEN SIGNS YOU HAVE A BAD JOB
10. Smoking breaks are mandatory
9. No matter how hard you scrub you can’t get the smell of Chihuahua off of your hands
8. The health plan is just a bunch of Dr. Phil videos
7. Office supplies are stored in your boss’s pants
6. Main team building exercise is dog fighting
5. All the jobs on Dirty Work look better than yours
4. You’re banned from appearing at Career Day at your child’s school
3. There’s a 90 day waiting period for bathroom privileges
2. Three words: Cross Dressing Fridays
1. The sexual harassment seminar is led by Isiah Thomas
TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR BABY IS TOO FAT
10. In order to film the labor and delivery you need a wide angle lens
9. Gerber builds a pipeline directly to your house
8. Everybody keeps commenting on how cute your twins are
7. His diapers are made by the same company that makes the Yankee Stadium tarp
6. Every time you mention breast feeding your wife runs away screaming
5. Instead of weighing her, your pediatrician measures the force of her gravitational pull
4. You start taking steroids just so you can burp him
3. He’s the only baby visible from outer space
2. His teething ring is your spare tire
1. Everybody thinks she looks just like Kirstie Alley
THE WAR IN REAL TIME
DAVE
Have you heard about this new Ken Burns Documentary about World War II? Apparently it starts tonight. Here’s a preview:
We hear 1940’s big band music and see pictures/film of World War II.
VOICE OVER
Tonight on PBS don’t miss part one of The War, the latest project from America’s premier documentary filmmaker, Ken Burns.
Cut to a picture of Ken Burns, followed clips from his previous documentaries
VO
The man who brought you The Civil War, Baseball and Jazz has turned his camera on the greatest conflict the world has ever seen, World War II.
Cut to more World War II pictures/film
VO
The War examines this global conflict at a level of detail never before attempted. Starting with part one tonight, you’ll experience every victory, every defeat, every joy, every heartbreak â€" in real time â€" right through part 2,175 in 2013.
The PBS logo appears on the screen
VO
PBS: Boring the hell out of America for 37 years.
A FRIENDLY LATE SHOW REMINDER: TURN THE CLOCKS BACK
The following is to be performed on the last show before the last Sunday in October
DAVE
I understand Alan Kalter has something special he’d like to share with us tonight. Alan?
ALAN
Thanks Dave. Dave, this is just a Friendly Late Show Reminder to all of our viewers that it’s that time of year again to turn back the clocks. That’s right; Daylight Savings Time ends at 2:00am on Saturday, so don’t forget to turn you clocks back one hour before you go to bed that night. This has been a Friendly Late Show Reminder. Back to you, Dave.
DAVE
Alan, we don’t turn the clocks back until next weekend. Remember Daylight Savings Time has been extended this year.
ALAN
Oh really? Daylight Savings Time has been extended, has it? Is this another one of your lame practical jokes, Letterman?
DAVE
No, Alan. The government changed the end of Daylight Savings from the last weekend in October to the first weekend in November this year.
ALAN
How dumb do you think I am, old man? I guess you think just because I fell for the old Preparation H in my toothpaste and the super glue on the toilet seat bits that I’m sort of rube, a country bumpkin that will fall for any old prank. Well, I’m not falling for it this time, you bitter old queen!
DAVE
Alan, really, I’m not kidding.
ALAN
I’ve had enough of your crap, you pathetic Botox addict! You’ve humiliated me for the last time, Charlie! You can shove Daylight Savings Time up your wrinkly old ass, because I quit!
Alan stalks off the set. A piece of paper is taped on his back with the words “I Voted for George W. Bush – Twiceâ€
DAVE
Alan Kalter, ladies and gentlemen.
PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE 2048
DAVE
Maybe it’s just me, but it seems like, with more than year until the election, these presidential debates are a little out of control. Take a look at what was on CNN earlier tonight.
Cut to a shot of a moderator from a recent presidential debate asking a question. We then cut to a shot of a little boy (under 10) dressed in a suit standing at a podium next to other little kids in suits and dresses. The boy looks puzzled for a moment then responds.
BOY
I’m in favor of lower taxes – and ice cream!
Cut to a title card that has the CNN logo and the words “CNN Presents Election 2048: Republican Presidential Candidate Debateâ€
VOICE OVER
We’ll be right back with more of the 2048 Republican Presidential Candidate Debate after these messages.
DAVE
It’s probably just me, but that seems odd.
RBK EDGE UNIFORMS
DAVE
Like most people I’m a big hockey fan. This season the National Hockey League introduced a new type of uniform. I recently saw something on TV about it which explains the new uniforms. Take a look.
Cut to clips of hockey players in the new uniforms.
VOICE OVER
Starting with the 2007-2008 season, Reebok is proud to announce that all National Hockey League players will now be wearing Rbk Edge uniforms. These new uniforms are made from revolutionary new materials that are tighter fitting, more flexible and totally water-resistant. Look for this technology to soon be incorporated into other high performance apparel for men worn by …
Cut to clips of football players
VO
National Football League players…
Cut to clips of baseball players
VO
Major League Baseball players…
Cut to a clip of Hillary Clinton in a pants suit
VO
…and Presidential candidates. Reebok: Never let them see you sweat.
DAVE
Hmmm, tighter fitting, more flexible and water-resistant. I wonder if Reebok makes hairpieces?
ICE SKATING IN NEW YORK CITY
DAVE
The other day here in New York City they officially opened the Rockefeller Center ice rink for the season. It’s one of the great traditions here in Manhattan. As a matter of fact we have a live camera over at Rockefeller Center right now. Let’s see what’s going on.
Cut to a live shot of people ice skating at the Rockefeller Center ice rink. We don’t see the whole rink. We follow a young couple briefly as they skate hand-in-hand. All of a sudden the couple sees a few guys in suits and trench coats on skates holding cups of coffee huddled around the chalk outline of a body on the ice. The couple stops to see what’s going on. Then a policeman skates into the picture.
POLICEMAN
Ok, folks, keep moving. Nothing to see here. Keep moving, folks. Let’s go. Nothing to see here.
Cut back to Dave
DAVE
One more reason to stay in your hotel rooms, ladies and gentlemen.
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October 11, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:37 am UTC
jokes 10/11/07
Here in New York the Empire State Building is going to be lit up this weekend in honor of the end of Ramadan.
So, the good news is the Jets won’t be the only thing getting lit up this weekend.
Bobby Brown suffered a mild heart attack in California this week.
The good news is his doctors say he’s fine. The bad news is he’s now addicted to Lipitor.
Michael Vick has been ordered to repay $20 million in bonus money to Atlanta Falcons.
He wasn’t too happy to get that news. I think we all know who he took it out on when he got home…
Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg wants to plant one million new trees.
He wants to make the city green. Earlier today he also declared Donald Trump’s hair a wildlife preserve
Here in New York Mayor Bloomberg wants to plant one million new trees.
He wants to make the city green. He’s also pledged to convert the city to all organic hookers.
Madonna has accepted a $120 million deal to join a new record label.
The deal is still a pending a physical – so the head of the record company can have his head examined.
A little boy recently took his grandmother’s car keys and tried to drive to Applebee’s because he was hungry.
So, I guess Britney’s kids really aren’t any better off with Kevin Federline.
A judge in Indiana has awarded a stripper worker’s compensation for injuries she suffered while she was performing on a pole.
Here in New York City the strippers have more protection. In fact I believe they’re all members of the Teamsters
Happy National Coming Out Day!
Down in Washington Senator Larry Craig came out of his stall.
Congratulations to Charlize Theron who’s been named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine.
It’s a strange list this year. After Charlize Theron you get Angelina Jolie, Scarlett Johansson and then Michael Jackson.
Congratulations to Charlize Theron who’s been named the Sexiest Woman Alive by Esquire magazine.
Congratulations also to Joan Rivers who was named the Sexiest Woman We Can’t Believe Is Still Alive.
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October 10, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:20 am UTC
jokes 10/10/07
Over at Yankee Stadium today they were busy cleaning out the lockers.
They packed up jock straps, protective cups and shaving gear. It’s the same thing they did when Rosie left The View.
They’re saying now that there are going to be wholesale changes in the Yankees next season.
Apparently, the only holdover at Yankee Stadium from this year could be the hot dogs.
Congratulations to Pamela Anderson who got married on Saturday.
Unfortunately, it’s not going well; friends say she’s getting the five day itch.
Michael Vick has been ordered to repay $20 million in bonus money to the Atlanta Falcons.
It’s worse than it sounds because $20 million is really like $140 million in dog money.
Over at Madison Square Garden this week they’re having the big cat show.
It was a big night for the Persians – they beat the Knicks 105 to 92.
Over at Madison Square Garden this week they’re having the big cat show.
It’s not going so well. Earlier today three cats were disqualified after they tested positive for catnip.
Over at Madison Square Garden this week they’re having the big cat show.
It’s not going so well. Earlier today three cats were disqualified after the judges found out they were just big rats,
Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson took part in his first debate yesterday.
He’s a pretty good debater. Every time he got a question he held up a picture of his wife.
Hillary Clinton is really campaigning hard for president.
Yesterday she announced a new national retirement plan and today she announced a new slogan: “A Pants Suit in Every Closet.”
The National Hockey League has introduced new uniforms for all their players this year.
They say the new NHL uniforms are better fitting, more flexible and totally water-resistant – no, wait. I’m sorry; that’s my new hairpiece.
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October 9, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:07 am UTC
Yesterday was the hottest October day on record here in New York City.
It was so hot yesterday that over at the Rockefeller Center ice rink they added a life guard.
It’s been really hot here in New York City this week.
It’s been so hot this week that earlier today George Steinbrenner threatened to fire Al Roker.
Over at Rockefeller Center this week they opened the ice rink.
It’s the chilliest place in New York right now, other than Joe Torre’s office.
Over at Rockefeller Center this week they opened the ice rink.
So the good news is the Yankees weren’t the only people put on ice yesterday.
Last night the Yankees were knocked out of the playoffs in the first round for the third straight year.
The good news is I’m no longer New York’s biggest disappointment.
Last night the Yankees were knocked out of the playoffs in the first round for the third straight year.
George Steinbrenner has had it; earlier today he announced he wasn’t going to resign Reggie Jackson.
Over at Madison Square Garden this week they’re having the big cat show.
The cats are judged on hair, posture and hindquarters. They’re the same qualities Isiah Thomas looks for.
A new study out finds that a bad marriage can cause heart disease.
The study was based on observing a few thousand marriages and examining Larry King’s medical records.
A hotel here in Manhattan now has a sleep concierge to make sure people can get to sleep.
Here’s what the sleep concierge will do: if you can’t get to sleep he’ll get you a special pillow, a special snack or he’ll turn on this show.
A new study out finds that women in New York are some of the kinkiest women in the country.
I’m not sure I believe it. The kinkiest thing I ever got a woman to do was to wait until after the sex before she processed my credit card.
A new study out finds that 8 of 10 women in New York would like to be blindfolded during sex.
That’s not surprising; with me they always demand it.
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October 8, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:05 am UTC
jokes 10/8/07
MONDAY: Happy Columbus Day!
Down in Times Square today the hookers are offering their annual Columbus Day special: for an extra $50 you can have sex with Nina, Pinta and Santa Maria.
MONDAY: Happy Columbus Day!
Down in Times Square today the hookers are offering their annual Columbus Day special: for an extra $50 they’ll take you to new lands.
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York has Columbus Day fever.
Over at Yankee Stadium last night the Yankees beat the hell out of the Indians.
MONDAY: George Steinbrenner said yesterday that if the Yankees don’t beat the Indians he’s going to fire the manager.
That’s right; he said if they don’t pull this out Billy Martin is gone.
MONDAY: Congratulations to Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon who got married on Saturday.
Their friends did the traditional thing: they tired empty cans to the back of their trailer.
MONDAY: Happy anniversary to Arnold Schwarzenegger who became Governor of California four years ago today.
Arnold hasn’t stopped working since he took office. In the last four years the only thing that he’s dragged are his knuckles.
MONDAY: Lindsay Lohan checked out of rehab this weekend.
The good news is her next stay is free.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Simon Cowell turned 48 yesterday.
His family threw him a big party – which he then criticized mercilessly.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Simon Cowell turned 48 yesterday.
At his birthday party Paula Abdul jumped out of big martini.
FRIDAY: It was on this day in 1792 that they laid the cornerstone of the White House.
For years it was the biggest thing to get laid at the White House until Monica.
A guy from Japan won the Rubik’s Cube world championship this week after solving the puzzle in 12 seconds.
And ladies – that’s not only thing he can finish in 12 seconds…
Congratulations to Senator Larry Craig who’s been elected into the Idaho Hall of Fame.
They’re going to make a small bust of his head for the hall, so he’s pretty excited about getting a little head.
Congratulations to Senator Larry Craig who’s been elected into the Idaho Hall of Fame.
He’ll be honored with a plaque in every public bathroom.
A British man just completed 46,000-mile trip around the world that took 13 years to complete.
He said that’s the last time he ever flies Jet Blue.
Scientists announced this week that they’ve discovered the purpose for the appendix – it produces useful stomach bacteria.
Now that they’ve figured that the purpose for that useless appendage they’re going to try and figure out a purpose for Kevin Federline.
Hockey season has officially started.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual hockey special: for an extra $50 they’ll ride your Zamboni.
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October 4, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:42 am UTC
It was kind of a warm, muggy day today here in New York City.
It was so warm and muggy today that Rush Limbaugh called Al Roker a phony weatherman.
It was 50 years ago today that Sputnik was launched.
Here’s how far technology has come since then: there was less computing power in Sputnik than there is in Dick Cheney’s pacemaker.
It was 50 years ago today that Sputnik was launched.
It’s been 50 years since we launched a man made satellite but they still can’t make reliable hairpiece glue.
Everybody here in New York City has baseball fever.
Earlier today over at Grant’s Tomb they put up the bunting.
Britney Spears officially got a California driver’s license yesterday.
She had no choice; she doesn’t have kids anymore to drive her around.
President Bush is thinking about bombing Iran.
Well, at least we’re making progress – he’s actually thinking.
President Bush says he’s going to do something about global warming.
Here’s his plan: he’s going to send OJ to the sun.
There’s a new study out that finds that strippers make more money when they’re menstruating and less money when they’re on the pill.
No, wait, I’m sorry that’s women who work for the Knicks.
North Korea has agreed to dismantle their nuclear facilities by the end of the year.
President Bush said it’s a good first step, but he still wants them to dismantle their nuculer facilities.
North Korea has agreed to dismantle their nuclear facilities by the end of the year.
The next thing that President Bush wants to have dismantled are the Mets.
50 years ago today Leave it to Beaver debuted here on CBS.
Let me take this opportunity to explain once again that I was not Eddie Haskell.
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October 3, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:43 am UTC
It was a lovely fall day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Isiah Thomas sexually harassed Al Roker.
Yesterday a jury ordered the Knicks to pay $11.6 million to a former employee for sexual harassment.
Per usual, the Knicks had no defense.
Yesterday a jury ordered the Knicks to pay $11.6 million to a former employee for sexual harassment.
Don’t kid yourself; $11.6 million is a lot of money. That’ll buy a season of a weak-shooting point guard.
Yesterday a jury ordered the Knicks to pay $11.6 million to a former employee for sexual harassment.
The Knicks were found guilty of creating a hostile work environment, firing without cause and having no backcourt.
A Los Angeles judge ordered Britney Spears to give up custody of her kids to Kevin Federline this week.
Sources say it was a sad scene when she turned the kids over and lip-synced them good bye.
A California judge has ordered OJ Simpson to turn over more of his assets to the family of Ron Goldman.
Here’s what he has to turn over: his Rolex watch, royalties from his video game and any profits from future stick-ups.
Over at Yankee Stadium they’re busy getting ready for the playoffs.
Workers were busy painting, disinfecting, and deodorizing – and that’s just for the hot dogs.
Celebrity birthdays: Happy birthday to Tommy Lee who turns 45 today.
Pamela Anderson got him a lovely set of new rims for his house.
Scientists announced this week that the Artic ice cap has melted much faster than they expected.
They say they haven’t seen a meltdown like this since the Mets.
Hillary Clinton raised more money for her campaign than Barack Obama this summer.
That explains why she wears nicer pants suits.
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October 2, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:53 am UTC
It was a chilly fall this morning here in New York City.
You could tell how chilly it was just by looking at the Statue of Liberty.
Britney Spears has lost custody of her kids to Kevin Federline.
Yesterday a judge ordered her to have the kids drive themselves over to K Fed’s house.
Britney Spears has lost custody of her kids to Kevin Federline.
A judge ordered her to give the kids to K Fed, and the kids to give the car keys to Britney.
Britney Spears has lost custody of her kids to Kevin Federline.
The good news is she’ll still be able to see the kids on weekends and whenever she needs a ride somewhere.
Earlier this week the Mets missed the playoffs after they blew a 7 game lead with 17 games to go.
Heads are already rolling. Earlier today they fired their Director of Performance Enhancing Drugs.
Earlier this week the Mets missed the playoffs after they blew a 7 game lead with 17 games to go.
Heads are already rolling. Earlier today the Britney Spears judge ordered Willie Randolph to give up control of the Mets.
A new poll finds that President Bush’s approval rating is at its lowest point ever.
Here’s how unpopular he is: earlier today he was invited to speak at Columbia University.
Celebrity birthdays: Kelly Ripa turns 37 today.
She celebrated earlier tonight with her friends and loved ones. Tomorrow she’ll celebrate with Regis.
Congratulations to Pamela Anderson, who’s getting married to Rick Salomon.
If you want to get them a gift they’re registered at Bed, Bath and Boobs.
Pamela Anderson is getting married to Rick Salomon, Paris Hilton’s old boyfriend.
I’ll believe this will be her third and his second sex video.
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October 1, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:20 am UTC
MONDAY: It was actually chilly in New York City this morning.
It was so chilly today that Hillary Clinton was wearing a fleece pants suit.
MONDAY: It was actually chilly in New York City this morning.
It was so chilly this morning that over at St. Patrick’s they were serving mulled communion wine.
MONDAY: It was a beautiful fall day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that over at St. Patrick’s the priests were jumping into piles of leaves with the altar boys.
MONDAY: It was a beautiful fall day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that the Mets were glad they didn’t have to go to work.
MONDAY: The Mets missed the playoffs after blowing a 7 game lead with 17 games left.
The good news is I’m no longer the biggest disappointment in New York.
MONDAY: The Mets missed the playoffs after blowing a 7 game lead with 17 games left.
They spent the entire season in first place only the blow it and finish second in the end. It was just like my first year on CBS.
MONDAY: The Mets missed the playoffs after blowing a 7 game lead with 17 games left.
It’s the biggest meltdown in New York since Rosie left The View.
MONDAY: The Mets missed the playoffs after blowing a 7 game lead with 17 games left.
Here’s how unpopular Mets manager Willie Randolph is right now: earlier today he was invited to speak at Columbia University.
MONDAY: Congratulations to the New York Yankees who are in the playoffs for the 13th straight year.
The only ones that have been with the team for all 13 years are Derek Jeter, Joe Torre and the Yankee Stadium hot dogs.
FRIDAY: This weekend is Columbus Day weekend.
I’ll be celebrating like I do every year: mom and I will be going to an Indian casino.
FRIDAY: It was 118 years ago tomorrow that Thomas Edison showed the first movie.
It was a pretty big event. I believe Joan Rivers was working the red carpet.
Congratulations to Michael Jackson who just got married again.
Sources say it was a lovely wedding; the bride wore white and the groom is white.
Congratulations to Michael Jackson who’s getting married again.
This will be her first marriage and his third divorce.
Elizabeth Taylor is engaged to be married to her ninth husband.
Your move, Mr. King.
Forbes magazine has named Oprah Winfrey as the top earning TV personality this year.
They say she’s made $260 million this year. Great, I’ll definitely have to sign that prenup now.
Here in New York City they’re going to sink 1,600 obsolete subway cars off the coast of New Jersey.
And if that works they’ll do the same thing with the Mets.
President Bush’s daughter Jenna has written a book.
She’s going out on a big book signing/tequila drinking tour.
President Bush’s daughter Jenna has written a book.
She’s going out on a big promotional tour; she’ll be signing books at bars across the country.
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