Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
September 27, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:25 am UTC
The big U. N. General Assembly here in New York City is finally over.
It was a big success – only five world leaders are missing.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is on his way back to Iran after speaking at the U.N. this week.
Right about now he should be on his second or third body cavity search at JFK.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is stopping in Bolivia and Venezuela on his way back to Iran after speaking at the U.N. this week.
He said this is the last time he ever books a trip through Priceline.com.
Yesterday in Los Angeles they declared a mistrial in the Phil Spector murder trial.
Legal experts say the key moment came when his lawyer told the jury “If the dude has a wacky hair style, you must declare a mistrial.”
Yesterday in Los Angeles they declared a mistrial in the Phil Spector murder trial.
The Los Angeles DA’s office says they’re not giving up; they vowed to retry him again until they get an acquittal.
Yesterday in Los Angeles they declared a mistrial in the Phil Spector murder trial.
The jury was deadlocked; they couldn’t decide if his hair was creepy or freaky.
Yesterday in Los Angeles they declared a mistrial in the Phil Spector murder trial.
More good news for Phil: earlier today he was invited to speak at Columbia University.
The judge in the Michael Vick case has placed him under home confinement after he failed a drug test.
He’s only going to be allowed out of the house for religious services, medical emergencies, or to strangle his dog.
After a popular vote, Barry Bonds’s 756th home run ball is going to be displayed at the Hall of Fame with an asterisk on it.
Here’s how unpopular Barry Bonds is right now: earlier today he was invited to speak at Columbia University.
Earlier today NASA launched the Dawn probe, which will travel to the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter.
NASA says the probe will take 8 years and travel 3 billion miles. I believe that will be the longest trip by a probe other than the one used for Michael Moore’s colonoscopy.
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September 26, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:46 am UTC
It was unseasonably warm here in New York City today.
It was so warm today that over at Grant’s Tomb they were putting the air conditioners back in the windows.
This week here in New York City the U. N. has been having a general assembly.
All week it’s been impossible to get a cab, dinner reservations or a hooker.
This week here in New York City the U. N. has been having a general assembly.
Everywhere you look there people from other countries. Earlier today a group of Japanese diplomats stopped me and asked me to take their picture with a rat.
The hookers down in Times Square are offering a special this week for all the world leaders in town.
Half off for anyone who’s ever staged a coup
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said this week that there are no homosexuals in Iran.
Which explains the wretched state of their fashion industry.
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said this week that there are no homosexuals in Iran.
Which explains the wretched state of their gossip industry.
The new TV season began this week.
Here on CBS they’re adding more CSI shows again. Earlier tonight was the premier of “CSI: O.J.”
Britney Spears has been charged for a hit and run accident with another car last month.
More bad news: the car she hit was being driven by one of her kids.
Britney Spears has been ordered to undergo random drug and alcohol testing twice a week, or she could lose custody of her kids.
Here’s how they’ll test if she’s been doing drugs or drinking: a urine test, a blood test or an underwear test.
Britney Spears has been ordered to undergo random drug and alcohol testing twice a week, or she could lose custody of her kids.
Here’s how they’ll test if she’s been doing drugs or drinking: she’ll either have to give a blood sample, give a urine sample or perform at the MTV Awards.
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September 25, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:18 am UTC
It was warm here today in New York City.
We’re at the weird time of year when it can be hot or cold and I never know whether to wear my cold weather or warm weather hairpiece.
Boy, am I glad you people are here tonight. Last night’s audience was brutal.
They had all just come from booing the president of Iran at Columbia – and they liked his act better.
Earlier today President Bush and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke at the U.N.
So on one hand you had a crazy leader of religious fanatics who can’t speak the language and then you had the Iranian president.
Earlier today the president of Iran gave a long, crazy speech to the U. N.
Here’s how crazy it was: he said Iran doesn’t want nuclear weapons, he said he loves the Jews and he said he thinks O. J. is innocent again.
The president of Columbia University said this week that he would let Adolf Hitler speak there if he were alive.
He said the only person he wouldn’t let speak there is O. J.
Celebrity birthdays: Barbara Walters turns 78 today.
I bought her some sexy lingerie – for me.
Over on PBS this week they’re showing the new Ken Burns documentary on World War II.
I don’t want to say it’s long, but it covers the war in real time.
NASA announced this week that they plan to put a man on Mars by 2037.
Here’s what they say it’s going to take to put a man Mars: advanced technology, brilliant engineers and some very brave men – no, wait, I’m sorry; that’s what it will take to put a man on Condoleezza Rice.
A new study out finds that the number of gay characters on network TV is down this year.
One reason is because Rosie left The View – so that’s two people right there.
Donald Trump told President Bush that if he wants a Republican to win the White House next year he should hide.
He was serious about that. He even offered to let him hide under his hairpiece.
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September 24, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:43 am UTC
It was a lovely fall day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Columbia University invited Al Roker to speak.
Today I saw a sure sign that fall is here.
City workers were starting to winterize the hookers.
Today I saw a sure sign that summer is over.
Over at Grant’s Tomb they closed up the pool.
O. J. Simpson was arrested for armed robbery in Las Vegas last week.
Legal analysts say it doesn’t look good for him – his lawyer can’t even rhyme.
O. J. Simpson was arrested for armed robbery in Las Vegas last week.
Apparently he stole some of his own memorabilia like game used footballs, autographed pictures and his knife.
O. J. Simpson was arrested for armed robbery in Las Vegas last week.
Legal experts say he may actually get convicted because this time there were witnesses, it was caught on tape and the trial won’t be in Los Angeles.
O. J. Simpson and a few of his friends were arrested for assault with a deadly weapon in Las Vegas last week.
Apparently the deadly weapon they used was O. J.
O. J. Simpson was arrested for armed robbery in Las Vegas last week.
It’s hard to believe O. J. was involved; after all nobody was killed.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in town today to speak at the U.N.
I like it when the president of Iran is in town because for one day I’m not the most hated man in New York.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in town today to speak at the U.N.
He had a good day; his speech was well received and he made $200 in tips driving a cab.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was in town today to speak at the U.N.
I didn’t see his speech. I figure if I want to see to a crazy world leader who can’t speak English, I’ll just watch President Bush.
City officials wouldn’t let Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visit the World Trade Center site.
They said if he wants to visit the scene of a disaster he was welcome to visit the set of The View
City officials wouldn’t let Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad visit the World Trade Center site.
They said if he wants to visit the scene of a disaster he was welcome to visit the Mets clubhouse.
In honor of the President of Iran being in town today down in Times Square the hookers offered a special.
For $50 they’d inspect your missile.
Marcel Marceau died yesterday at the age of 84.
Now that he’s dead I believe the most famous creepy guy in white face is Michael Jackson.
Marcel Marceau died yesterday at the age of 84.
Obviously, he had no last words.
The FBI said last week that somebody put out a contract on Kevin Federline’s life.
Luckily, the contract didn’t result in a hit – just like K Fed’s record deal.
Last week President Bush nominated former federal judge Michael Mukasey to be the next attorney general.
Political experts are predicting a quick confirmation by Halliburton.
Fidel Castro made an appearance on Cuban TV last week for the first time in months.
They say he looked confused, he looked disoriented, he looked out of it – no, wait, I’m sorry, that was President Bush.
A man in southern China recently collapsed and died after being online for three straight days.
He’s survived by a few family members and absolutely no friends.
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September 13, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:29 am UTC
Earlier tonight President Bush announced on national television that he’s going to withdraw 30,000 troops from Iraq by next summer.
He looked confused, he looked unprepared, he looked rattled – no, wait, I’m sorry, that was me on Oprah.
Earlier tonight President Bush announced on national television that he’s going to withdraw 30,000 troops from Iraq by next summer.
The speech really didn’t go well. Here’s how bad his performance was: he’s been invited to be the opening act at next year’s MTV Awards.
Earlier tonight President Bush announced on national television that he’s going to withdraw 30,000 troops from Iraq by next summer.
I thought it was refreshing to see president not denying a withdrawal for once.
Today is Rash Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.
Last night on ABC Ryan Seacrest hosted Dick Clark’s Meshugener New Year’s Eve.
Today is Rash Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.
Down in Times Square the hookers were offering their annual Rosh Hashanah special: half off before sundown.
Today is Rash Hashanah, the Jewish New Year.
Over at the Hello Deli they’re offering their annual Rosh Hashanah special: half off the skinless franks.
Rosie O’Donnell has a new book out in which she talks how she used to abuse herself.
She really did some abusive things like hitting herself with a bat, hitting herself with a wooden hanger and agreeing to work on The View.
People magazine has come out with their annual Best & Worst Dressed lists.
I actually made both lists: I made the Best Dressed list for my suits and the Worst Dressed list for my hairpiece.
People magazine has come out with their annual Best Dressed list.
Once again I lost out in the Best Pants Suit category to Hillary Clinton.
There’s a new movie out in which Cate Blanchett plays Bob Dylan.
Critics say she does the best impersonation of a man by a woman since Rosie O’Donnell.
Good news: the government announced yesterday that the average life expectancy for Americans is at an all-time high.
The bad news is the increase in the average is all due to Larry King and Joan Rivers.
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September 12, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:22 am UTC
Later this week President Bush is going announce the withdrawal of 30,000 troops from Iraq.
I believe this will be the first presidential withdrawal since – Clinton.
Russia has announced that they’ve tested the world’s most powerful non-nuclear bomb.
It’s so loud and destructive and terrifying that they’re calling it “mother-in-law of all bombs.”
Russia was announced that they’ve tested the world’s most powerful non-nuclear bomb.
Here’s how big of a bomb it is: they say it’s an even bigger bomb than Britney’s performance at the MTV Awards.
Everybody’s still talking about Britney Spears’s embarrassing performance at the MTV Awards on Sunday.
People say they haven’t seen somebody mail it in like that on a major awards show since I hosted the Oscars.
In the latest Osama bin Laden video all of the grey hair in his hair and beard has been dyed black.
He explains why in one of the videos; he says he just wanted to look younger for Dancing with the Stars.
Fashion Week here in New York City officially ended today.
Earlier today I saw a sure sign that Fashion Week is over – I saw a line of supermodels at a hot dog stand.
A scientist in Pennsylvania has figured out a way to burn salt water, which could make the oceans an energy source.
Finally, a solution to our pesky excess water problem.
A scientist in Pennsylvania has figured out a way to burn salt water, which could make the oceans an energy source.
Apparently it’s so promising that earlier today we invaded the Pacific Ocean.
The NFL says that the New England Patriots stole signals from the Jets in last Sunday’s game.
They’re looking at some harsh penalties: they could be fined, they could lose a high draft pick, or they could be forced to use the Jets game plan on Sunday.
Burger King has announced they’re going to make their kids’ meals healthier.
Apparently, from now the kids’ meals will no longer come with toys made in China.
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September 11, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:13 am UTC
Boy, am I glad you people are here. Last night’s crowd was ugly.
They were booing me, they were hissing me, they were heckling me – no, wait, I’m sorry, that was Oprah’s audience.
Yesterday I was on Oprah’s show.
I had a nice time so today I sent her a thank you note and she sent me a new restraining order.
Down in Washington this week they’re having hearings on the war situation.
Yesterday General Petraeus said that the recent troop surge has helped to improve security and reduce violence on The View.
Down in Washington this week they’re having hearing on the situation in Iraq.
Next week they’ll be having hearings on the situation on The View.
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
I always like Fashion Week because it’s the one time of the year that I’m not the biggest bitch in town.
People are still talking about Britney Spears’s comeback performance at the MTV awards the other night.
I believe it was the most embarrassing comeback performance since I debuted on CBS.
Hillary Clinton is returning campaign contributions from a guy who turned out to be a wanted fugitive.
She’s returning $850,000 in cash and pants suits.
Barack Obama’s wife, Michelle, said this week that he snores in bed and smells when he wakes up in the morning.
I’m thinking, well, it’s just nice to hear about a politician who actually sleeps with his wife.
They announced the title of the new Indiana Jones movie this week.
In this movie Indiana is getting a little old. The new movie is called “Indiana Jones and the Prostate of Doom.”
Paris Hilton says that she wants to have a baby next year.
She’s pretty serious about it – she’s already auditioning prospective fathers.
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September 10, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:08 am UTC
MONDAY: First Lady Laura Bush had minor surgery this weekend to relive a pain in her neck.
The bad news is the surgery didn’t get rid of her pain in the neck – George is still there.
MONDAY: First Lady Laura Bush had minor surgery this weekend to relive a pain in her neck.
If she wants to get rid her pain the neck she should just get rid of George.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York City they had the Farm Aid concert.
Farming in New York City is a little different. Like, here in New York the biggest livestock we have are the rats.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York City they had the Farm Aid concert.
Everybody in New York has Farm Aid fever. Earlier today I saw a guy dropping some fertilizer on the sidewalk.
MONDAY: Football season has officially started.
I can tell football season is here because I’ve already gotten my first call from mom asking me to pay off her bookie.
MONDAY: I always have a hard time this time of year deciding between watching football and baseball.
On the one hand you’ve got a sport featuring lots of oversized freaks – and then there’s football.
MONDAY: I always have a hard time this time of year deciding between watching football and baseball.
It always hard to decide which sport full of juiced-up freaks to watch.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York City they had the annual Muslim Day Parade.
The Muslim Day Parade is a lot like the Thanksgiving Day Parade, except all of the inflatable cartoon characters are wearing explosive vests.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York City they had the annual Muslim Day Parade.
The highlight of the parade is the 30-foot tall Osama bin Laden balloon.
MONDAY: Britney Spears performed on the MTV Video Music Awards last night and everybody said it was embarrassing.
Here’s how embarrassing it was: halfway through her song her kids hopped in the car and drove home.
MONDAY: I watched Britney Spears last night and she looked awful.
She forgot how to lip sync, she forgot how to dance and she even forgot how to forget to wear underwear.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Marco Polo was born on this date (PJ: well, tomorrow) in 1254.
All we know about Marco Polo comes from his writings, a few historical references by others and whatever Larry King can remember.
There’s a new video tape out from Osama bin Laden.
It’s pretty scary. He says if we don’t get out of Iraq he’ll stage another taxi strike.
There’s a new video tape out from Osama bin Laden.
In the video he demands the US get out of Iraq, the release all al Qaeda prisoners and the removal of all GPS devices from cabs.
There’s a new video tape out from Osama bin Laden.
In the tape he talks about global warming, taxes and the mortgage crisis. This guy is more in touch than Bush.
There’s a new video tape out from Osama bin Laden.
Experts say the tape is recent because Osama thanks Allah for putting Whoopi Goldberg on The View.
Experts now say that Osama bin Laden isn’t living in a cave but in a luxury compound.
It’s probably true because in his latest video he calls for a jihad against co-op boards.
Republican Senator Chuck Hagel says that he is retiring from the Senate.
Out of habit, he also denied that he was gay.
Paris Hilton says that she wants to have a baby next year.
Well, she obviously knows how to make one.
Paris Hilton says that she wants to have a baby next year.
I just hope the cameras are rolling when she makes it.
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September 6, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:17 am UTC
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City and everywhere you turn there are supermodels.
Fashion Week is a lot like Westminster Dog Show week – except with more bitches.
In honor of Fashion Week tonight I’m wearing one piece of designer clothing.
Can you tell what it is? That’s right – I’m wearing an Armani hairpiece.
Fashion Week is when we get some of our roughest crowds.
Here’s how tough last night’s crowd was: they booed my pants.
Senator Larry Craig is saying now that he may not resign.
Here’s how we’ll know for sure if he’s going to resign: he’ll tap his foot once for yes and twice for no.
Earlier today in Australia President Bush met with Chinese President Hu Jintao.
Or, as President Bush kept calling him, General Tso.
Earlier today in Australia President Bush met with Chinese President Hu Jintao.
There was a bit of a language barrier. President Bush said it was like the guy was speaking Chinese or something.
Here in New York the cab drivers are on strike.
That’s right, it’s just about impossible to get a cab here in New York and I’m thinking, how is this different from any other day?
Here in New York the cab drivers are on strike.
Mayor Bloomberg is doing his best to end the strike. He spent all day negotiating with al Qaeda.
Nicole Kidman said this week that she was engaged to a mystery man after she broke up with Tom Cruise.
She wouldn’t name the mystery man – thanks, Nicole!
Archaeologists in Israel have discovered 3,000-year-old beehives.
They say they’re the oldest pests ever found – other than Regis.
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September 5, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:07 am UTC
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
You can tell it’s Fashion Week because the Statue of Liberty is wearing Versace.
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
You can tell it’s Fashion Week because all of the rats are nicely coiffed.
President Bush is in Australia this week for the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation summit.
He’s working hard; he was up all night trying to come up with nicknames for the other 20 leaders.
President Bush is in Australia this week for the Asia Pacific Economic Cooperation summit.
Even though he’s half-way across the world President Bush is still getting constant updates about the situation with Owen Wilson.
It was a lovely late summer day here in New York City.
It was so nice today that Senator Larry Craig offered to commit lewd acts with Al Roker.
Here in New York the cab drivers went on strike today.
Don’t kid yourself; a lot of people are on their side. Earlier today down in Times Square the hookers staged a sympathy strike.
Here in New York the cab drivers went on strike today.
Mayor Bloomberg is asking everybody who needs to get around the city to stick to walking, public transportation or carjacking.
Here in New York the cab drivers went on strike today.
Their striking over new rules that require them to use the following things: GPS units, credit card systems and deodorant.
Jerry Lewis apologized for a gay slur he made during his Labor Day Telethon last weekend.
That’s right – earlier today he personally apologized to Senator Larry Craig.
A new study out finds that men prefer women with good looks.
It was a study conducted by researchers from the University of Duh.
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September 4, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:46 am UTC
TUESDAY: President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday.
It was a quick trip: 12 hours on a plane and 6 hours with the troops. It was just like his National Guard service.
TUESDAY: President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday.
With this visit now I believe that he’s officially spent more time working in Iraq than he has here.
TUESDAY: President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday.
Security was very tight; Dick Cheney had him covered the whole time.
TUESDAY: President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday.
Even more surprising, earlier today he made a surprise visit to Washington.
TUESDAY: President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq yesterday.
He’s making a tour of war zones; earlier today he made a surprise visit to The View.
TUESDAY: Former President Bill Clinton was on Oprah earlier today.
Out of habit, as soon as he saw the couch he lied down on it and went to sleep.
TUESDAY: Former President Bill Clinton was on Oprah earlier today.
The interview went well – he kept his pants on.
TUESDAY: Senator Larry Craig resigned after being arrested for committing lewd acts in a public bathroom.
He said he’s looking forward to performing lewd acts in his own bathroom.
TUESDAY: This weekend in England they had the World Beard and Mustache Championships.
Congratulations to the American team which won four medals. So it’s good to hear that things are going well for Rosie O’Donnell.
TUESDAY: Yesterday was Labor Day which is the unofficial end of summer.
For me, summer’s not officially over until I move my guard dogs from my place in the Hamptons to my home in Connecticut.
TUESDAY: I saw a sure sign this weekend that school is starting again.
I was shopping at Wal-Mart and saw a teacher loading on up on condoms.
FRIDAY: Today I saw a sure sign that it’s football season.
Former Senator Larry Craig was arrested for lewd behavior in a Giants Stadium bathroom.
FRIDAY: Everybody here in New York City has football fever.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their football season special: for $50 you can try to split the uprights.
FRIDAY: Everybody here in New York City has football fever.
Earlier today my cab driver was wearing a pigskin turban.
FRIDAY: Happy birthday to the Oprah Winfrey Show, which turns 21 tomorrow.
I’m actually going to be on Oprah’s show for the first time ever next week. Three words, Oprah: jump the shark.
North Korea has agreed to disable all nuclear facilities by the end of the year.
So, by the end of the year North Korea won’t be able to make nuclear weapons, nuclear power or sliced bread.
North Korea has agreed to disable all nuclear facilities by the end of the year.
The North Koreans are giving up all sorts of advanced technology in exchange for aid. Earlier today they said that by the end of the year they’d also disable their toaster.
President Bush has reportedly decided how he’s going to spend his time after he’s president.
He said he’s going to spend his time relaxing in Texas and maybe making some speeches just to raise money – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s what he’s doing now.
White House press secretary Tony Snow has resigned.
President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea he has a press secretary.
Over in Iraw Chemical Ali has been sentenced to death.
Of course, the person I feel most sorry for is his wife, Posh Ali.
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