Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
August 30, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:21 am UTC
It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Larry Craig was performing lewd acts in the park.
It was 14 years ago today that we did our first show here on CBS.
Here’s the official tally for the last 14 years: 2,800 shows, 4,000 guests and 14 hairpieces.
It was 14 years ago today that we did our first show here on CBS.
I’m pretty excited about because it means just one more year and I’ll finally be eligible for the CBS 401k plan.
Katie Couric is anchoring the CBS Evening News from Iraq and Syria this week.
She’s doing a tour of war zones. Next week she’ll be anchoring the news from the set of The View.
Katie Couric is anchoring the CBS Evening News from Iraq this week.
She said so far in Iraq she’s seen lots of sniping, fighting, and backstabbing – no, wait, I’m sorry that’s what it’s like at CBS.
Leona Helmsley’s will was read this week and she left her dog $12 million.
I believe that’s the most money somebody’s given a dog since the Yankees signed Jason Giambi.
Celebrity birthdays: Ted Williams would have turned 89 today.
His head celebrated quietly with the rest of his body.
A new report out says that the United States is the most heavily armed country in the world.
It’s all part of President Bush’s No Firearm Left Behind program.
Over in the Great Britain this week there’s a woman who just turned 100 who’s been smoking since World World I.
And fellas, she’s single!
Over in the Great Britain this week there’s a woman who just turned 100 who’s been smoking since World World I.
She says she took up smoking right after she started dating Larry King.
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August 29, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:07 am UTC
Idaho Senator Larry was recently arrested for lewd behavior in an airport men’s room.
Apparently he asked an undercover cop for a filibuster.
Idaho Senator Larry was recently arrested for lewd behavior in an airport men’s room.
President Bush was shocked to hear this: he had no idea Idaho was a state.
Idaho Senator Larry was recently arrested for lewd behavior in an airport men’s room.
The good news is he’s guaranteed of keeping his seat in the Senate since he’s the only person who actually lives in Idaho.
Out in Idaho yesterday Senator Larry Craig held a press conference to deny that he was gay.
He pulled out all the stops; standing next to him at the press conference were his wife and his hooker.
Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson turns 49 today.
The good news is he’s 49 years old, but his doctors say he has the body of a much younger woman.
Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson turns 49 today.
He’s 49 years old so you know what that means: menopause is right around the corner.
Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson turns 49 today.
He celebrated with dinner at his favorite restaurant – Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Leona Helmsley’s will was read this week and she left her dog $12 million.
I think the money’s already going to the dog’s head; earlier tonight he was seen partying with Paris Hilton’s teacup Chihuahua.
Earlier today Katie Couric left for Iraq.
It’s all part of President Bush’s new “anchor surge” plan.
Earlier today Katie Couric left for Iraq.
Don’t kid yourself; there’s a good chance she could be injured and not come back. So, it’s a classic “no lose” situation.
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August 28, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:07 am UTC
President Bush has already begun the process of replacing Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.
Here’s how the process works: fist he’ll interview a bunch of candidates, then he’ll nominate somebody, then that person will have to be approved by Halliburton.
The big U.S. Open tennis tournament started yesterday here in New York City.
The U.S. Open is one of the four Grand Slam tennis tournaments and it’s the only one played on a court with potholes.
This week marks our 14th anniversary here on CBS.
14 years – that officially makes us CBS’s longest running embarrassment.
As part of his plea deal Michael Vick has agreed to pay to have his pit bulls euthanized.
He’s really being repentant; he’s even offered to euthanize the dogs himself.
Over in Iraq the U.S. military said this week that Saddam Hussein’s daughter is wanted on terrorist charges.
You remember Saddam Hussein’s daughter, Chelsea Hussein.
Over in Iraq the U.S. military said this week that Saddam Hussein’s daughter is wanted on terrorist charges.
Officials warned that Saddam Hussein’s daughter should be considered armed and extremely unattractive.
Scientists in Australia recently announced that they’ve discovered the world’s oldest diamond.
The diamonds are 4 billion years old; apparently they were found in Joan Rivers’ engagement ring.
Celebrity birthdays: the Big Mac is 40 years old.
Earlier today McDonald’s got a congratulatory phone call from Michael Moore.
Over in Kenya they’re having trouble with monkeys sexually harassing women.
I believe this is the first documented case of women being harassed by a primate other than Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Over in Kenya they’re having trouble with monkeys sexually harassing women.
Big deal; here in New York City we’ve got people getting mugged by rats.
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August 27, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:08 am UTC
MONDAY: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned earlier today.
Technically, he didn’t resign – he fired himself.
MONDAY: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales resigned earlier today.
He said he was looking forward to spending more time firing his own family.
MONDAY: A crazy, homeless guy was arrested yesterday for threatening to shoot President Bush.
Here’s how crazy this guy is: he also said he thought Bush was doing a good job with Iraq.
MONDAY: A crazy, homeless guy was arrested yesterday for threatening to shoot President Bush.
I’m thinking the guy doesn’t sound so crazy to me.
MONDAY: Nicole Richie was released after spending 82 minutes in jail last week.
Here’s how short her prison sentence was: She wasn’t even there long enough to throw up a meal.
MONDAY: Nicole Richie was released after spending 82 minutes in jail last week.
I believe that works out to one minute per pound.
MONDAY: It’s hot and humid again in New York City.
Last week it was cold, this week it’s hot. I tell you it’s like New York is going through menopause.
MONDAY: It’s hot and humid again in New York City.
Last week it was cold, this week it’s hot. New York is having more hot flashes than Katie Couric.
MONDAY: Congratulations to the team from Georgia that won the Little League World Series yesterday.
More good news: the only performance enhancers they tested positive for were Flintstone’s Chewables.
FRIDAY: We’ll be having the big Letterman family Labor Day barbeque at my house this weekend.
Mom makes a barbeque sauce with a real kick. I don’t want to give away the recipe but it’s got Tabasco sauce, honey and lots of Red Bull.
FRIDAY: Labor Day weekend is coming up.
Labor Day is the holiday where we all kick back and do nothing instead of going to work and surfing the internet.
FRIDAY: Monday is Labor Day.
If you’re going to be in New York City on Labor Day, here’s a run down of what’s operating on a holiday schedule: buses, trains and hookers.
FRIDAY: The big Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon is coming up this weekend.
This year the telethon is going green- they’re using ethanol instead of oil in Jerry’s hair.
FRIDAY: The big Jerry Lewis Labor Day telethon is coming up this weekend.
This year the oil in Jerry’s hair will be trans fat free.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Dr. Phil turns 57 tomorrow.
I sent him a lovely gift and earlier today he called to tell me I have good taste and serious mother issues.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Dr. Phil turns 57 tomorrow.
His friends and family threw him a nice party or, as he calls it, group therapy.
FRIDAY: It was on this day in 1963 that Walter Cronkite anchored the CBS Evening News for the first time.
It doesn’t seem like it’s been 44 years since Walter Cronkite started as the anchor of the CBS Evening News. On the other hand, it does seem like it’s been 44 years since Katie Couric started as the anchor of the CBS Evening News.
Michael Vick has officially pleaded guilty to running a dog fighting ring.
On the bright side, this whole Michael Vick situation has finally helped me to convince mom to give up the dog fighting.
Lindsay Lohan has been sentenced to one day in jail for drunk driving.
Some people think she got off easily and should have at least gotten a week or two in jail. I’m thinking, a week or two in jail? It’s California – hell, it’s not like she killed somebody.
Astronomers recently announced that they’ve found an empty hole in the universe that’s 6 billion trillion miles across.
They say it’s the biggest empty hole in the universe, other than CBS’s fall schedule.
Celebrity birthdays: the Big Mac is 40 years old.
40? That’s amazing – the secret sauce doesn’t taste a year over 30.
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August 23, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:28 am UTC
I’m glad you people are here; last night’s crowd was out for blood.
Here’s how tough they were: they were like a crowd at a Michael Vick dog fight.
President Bush is in Texas on vacation.
Here’s how he’s spending his summer vacation: he spent a weekend at his parents’ house and he’ll spend two weeks in Texas – it’s the same way he served his time in the National Guard.
It’s been really wet here in New York City this week.
It was so wet that earlier today they were sandbagging the hookers.
It’s been really wet here in New York City this week.
It’s been so wet the whole city smells like damp rat.
Last night the Texas Rangers beat the Baltimore Orioles 30-3.
Here was the official line for the Rangers: 29 hits, 30 runs and 9 failed urine tests.
A French magazine recently airbrushed out the love handles in a picture of French President Nicolas Sarkozy while he was on vacation.
Here in the U.S. magazines used to do a similar thing for President Clinton – they’d airbrush out the love handles on his interns.
A new study out finds that men with caveman-like features are more attractive to women.
Apparently they’re also more attractive to California voters.
A new study out finds that the majority of older Americans are sexually active.
In fact so many older Americans are having sex that down in Times Square the hookers are now offering discounts for AARP members.
A new study out finds that the majority of older Americans are sexually active.
I know I am and I plan to be sexually active until I die – or I can’t afford it anymore.
A guy in India has become the world’s oldest father at the age of 90.
He said it took a few times to get his wife pregnant; every time he went into the bedroom he kept forgetting why he went in there.
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August 22, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
Over in Iraq Chemical Ali is on trial.
Here’s what he’s charged with: murder, torture and running an illegal dog fighting ring.
Yesterday was the coldest August day on record here in New York City.
It was so cold yesterday that I had to break out my cold weather hairpiece.
Yesterday was the coldest August day on record here in New York City.
This cold weather is screwing everybody up; the rats have already started getting their winter coats.
It’s been cold here in New York City this month.
It’s been such a cold summer that they’ve taken away Al Gore’s Oscar.
President Bush is on vacation at his ranch in Texas.
Here’s what President Bush is doing during his vacation: clearing brush, digging post holes, pruning trees. I’m thinking why can’t he work that hard when he’s not on vacation?
The space shuttle Endeavor landed safely in Florida yesterday.
So the good news is the shuttle crew is safely back on Earth. The bad news is their luggage is on Mars.
Before it landed NASA inspected the whole body of the shuttle while it was in orbit using an 80 foot robotic arm, remote control cameras, and lasers.
It’s the same way they do Michael Moore’s annual physical.
President Bush said yesterday that the Iraqi people will choose their own leader democratically.
He said if it works there then we’ll try it here.
Scientists in Israel say they’ve figured out, in theory, how to travel back in time.
I’m thinking big deal – Republicans have been turning back the clock for years.
Scientists announced this week that obesity can be caused by a virus.
The good news is 2/3 of Americans can now call in sick to work.
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August 21, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:25 am UTC
It was another wet day here in New York City.
It was so wet today that Michael Vick took Al Roker outside and shot him.
Michael Vick has decided to plead guilty to federal dog fighting charges.
Legal experts say he had no choice: there’s a ton of physical evidence, a bunch of eyewitnesses and the trial wouldn’t have been in California.
President Bush is on vacation at his ranch in Texas.
This year he’s only taking two weeks off instead of five weeks. That worries me – we’ve all seen how he performs when he’s well rested.
President Bush is on vacation at his ranch in Texas.
Vacation or, as he calls it, a relaxation surge.
Archaeologists in Egypt say they’ve found the oldest human footprint ever.
In order to date it they’re going to do carbon testing and if that doesn’t work they’ll just ask Larry King if he remembers when he left it there.
Leona Helmsley died this week at the age of 89.
That’s right, 89; proving once again that only the good die young.
Bad news: noise complaints here in New York City are way up this summer.
In an effort to keep the noise level down today Mayor Bloomberg asked all residents to please, please be considerate of others and use a silencer.
Adolf Hitler’s record collection was recently discovered.
Apparently it was found in an old chest in Mel Gibson’s attic.
Ryan Seacrest has been named the host of this year’s Emmy awards.
It was either him or Ellen Degeneres, so I guess they wanted the more feminine point of view.
California Congressman Bob Filner was arrested yesterday for assaulting an airline worker.
Apparently he became really abusive when they couldn’t find his luggage. Here’s how bad it got: he threatened to kill a highway project in the guy’s state.
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August 20, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:37 am UTC
MONDAY: Congratulations to President Bush’s daughter Jenna who got engaged last week.
Wedding preparations are already under way; earlier today the contract was awarded to Halliburton.
MONDAY: Congratulations to President Bush’s daughter Jenna who’s getting married.
It’s going to be a big event: hundreds of people, lots of booze, all night partying – and that’s just the bachelorette party.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President Bill Clinton turned 61 yesterday.
He had so many candles on his cake he needed an intern to help blow them out.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Tipper Gore turned 59 yesterday.
That’s right she’s 59 or, as she calls it, an inconvenient age.
MONDAY: President Bush’s top advisor, Karl Rove, resigned last week.
He said he’s looking forward to stealing elections in the private sector.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Al Roker turns 53 yesterday.
He’s America’s most beloved fat guy, other than Rosie O’Donnell.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 76 tomorrow.
Here’s how old Regis is: Larry King started out as one of his interns.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 76 tomorrow.
His family and friends threw him a surprise party. What they did was they all hid behind his piles of money.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 76 tomorrow.
It’s a big day for him because he’s not only the guest of honor at his birthday party, but he’s been named the host.
FRIDAY: It was one year ago today that scientists declared that Pluto was not a planet.
Only one more year and Pluto can apply for reinstatement.
FRIDAY: It was on this day in 1960 that scientists in Antarctica recorded a temperature of -127 degrees.
It’s the most frigid temperature ever recorded outside of Bill and Hillary’s bedroom.
FRIDAY: The new Mr. Bean movie opened today.
If you haven’t seen Mr. Bean, here’s his deal: he’s this really dorky white guy, who bumbles around making a fool of himself and who people think may be gay – no, wait, that’s me.
President Bush is on vacation at his ranch in Texas.
Why not? At this point, the war can pretty much bungle itself.
President Bush is on vacation at his ranch in Texas.
This year he’s keeping his summer vacation short: only two weeks at his ranch and no space camp.
Last week was the 30th anniversary of Elvis’s death.
Elvis celebrated quietly with a few friends and family.
Yankee great Phil Rizzuto passed away last week at the age of 89.
Now that he’s passed away I believe oldest thing left at Yankee Stadium are the hot dogs.
A guy was recently caught on an airplane with a monkey under his hat.
When he was asked why he had a monkey under his hat the guy said because the monkey wouldn’t fit down his pants.
A guy was recently caught on an airplane with a monkey under his hat.
Apparently other passengers complained when they saw that the monkey had more leg room then they did.
Astronomers recently announced that they’ve found the largest planet in the universe.
It’s a big ball of gas 20 times larger than the Earth. I believe it’s the biggest body of hot air in the universe other than Rush Limbaugh.
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August 2, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:18 am UTC
It was another hot day today.
It was so hot today that down in Washington Hillary Clinton was wearing a low cut pants suit.
It was another hot day today.
It was so hot today that crooked NBA ref was fixing ice hockey games.
Whoopie Goldberg is joining the cast of The View.
Earlier today Donald Trump sent her a congratulatory email and said he was looking forward to fighting with her.
Whoopie Goldberg is replacing Rosie O’Donnell on of The View.
Elisabeth Hasselbeck is happy about it; at least Whoopi is in her weight class.
Britney Spears is being sued by a couple of photographers who say she threatened to kill them for taking her picture.
They say that she threatened them, threw a baby bottle at them and her kid almost hit them with her car.
Britney Spears is being sued by a couple of photographers who say she threatened to kill them for taking her picture.
Here’s how mad she was: if she was wearing panties, they would’ve been in a bunch.
A guy in Tennessee was accidentally shot by his Great Dane this week.
A Great Dane with a gun – that’s Michael Vick’s worst nightmare.
A guy in Tennessee was accidentally shot by his dog this week.
Luckily the guy’s going to survive but officials say, until they figure out what happened, they’re taking away the dog’s gun license.
Gary Coleman was arrested for disorderly conduct this week.
President Bush said this process we’re winning the war against washed-up child stars.
Gary Coleman was arrested for disorderly conduct this week.
He entered a plea of “Whatchooo talkin’ ’bout, Judge?”
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August 1, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:21 am UTC
Chief Justice John Roberts suffered a brain seizure on Monday.
His doctors say he should have no trouble continuing as Chief Justice. I’m thinking, well, sure – George Bush has been having brain cramps for years and he’s still president.
Nicole Richie announced this week that she’s pregnant.
You know what that means – she’s not eating for two now.
Nicole Richie announced this week that she’s pregnant.
She says she’s already having lots of food cravings. Last night she woke her boyfriend up and made him go out and get her a grape.
Star Jones admitted this week that she had gastric bypass surgery.
Here’s how big she was: first she had a bypass, then an overpass and then an underpass.
Down in Memphis the managers of Graceland say they’re going to give it a $250 million overhaul.
I just hope they don’t turn it into some cheesy tourist trap.
More bad news for Michael Vick: Rawlings has cancelled his endorsement contract because of the dog fighting charges against him.
So far here are the endorsement deals he’s lost because of the dog fighting: Rawlings, Nike and, to be honest, it’s not looking good for his Purina deal.
Paris Hilton is selling her home in California.
If you’re interested in buying it you have to make an appointment to see it – unless you want to see the master bedroom in which case you can watch her sex video.
Paris Hilton is selling her home in California.
It has four bedrooms, 3 1/2 bathrooms and one well-used mattress.
A new survey by the University of Texas has compiled the top 237 reasons that people have sex.
I’ve read the list and my top reason for having sex isn’t on there: because my credit card went through.
The Mount Bulusan volcano in the Philippines erupted yesterday.
I believe it’s the biggest thing to blow since – Monica.
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