Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
July 31, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:05 am UTC
It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.
It was so nice that I saw a couple of astronauts drinking in Central Park.
NASA said this week that some of its shuttle pilots have flown drunk.
They say they have a solution: from now every shuttle flight will have a designated pilot.
NASA said this week that some of its shuttle pilots have flown drunk.
In order to investigate the problem earlier today NASA appointed a blue ribbon panel chaired by Lindsay Lohan.
President Bush and the new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met for the first time yesterday.
Things went well once they got past the language barrier.
President Bush and the new British Prime Minister Gordon Brown met for the first time yesterday.
They agreed on one important thing: from now on Bush will call him “Gordie.”
Al Gore’s son pleaded guilt this week to felony drug charges.
So now he has an inconvenient record.
Midnight tonight is the trading deadline for Major League Baseball.
The Yankees didn’t make any big trades this year; they’re confident that their current team should be able to blow it.
My alma mater Ball State University is going to name a new building after me.
I’m flattered but a little disappointed because I wasn’t the first choice. I only got it after Leno turned them down.
NFL training camps officially opened this week.
Earlier today the Jets were already hard at work on their excuses.
Tourism is way down in New York City this year.
The bad news we have fewer tourists coming here. The good news is fewer tourists are getting killed.
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July 30, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:32 am UTC
MONDAY: Dick Cheney had the battery in his pacemaker replaced over the weekend.
Don’t kid yourself, it was scary. For a couple of minutes there President Bush was actually in charge.
MONDAY: Dick Cheney had the battery in his pacemaker replaced over the weekend.
The contract was awarded to Halliburton.
MONDAY: Dick Cheney had the battery in his pacemaker replaced over the weekend.
It was a simple procedure – he had it done in the morning and was shooting people that afternoon.
MONDAY: Dick Cheney had the battery in his pacemaker replaced over the weekend.
I’m thinking, how much battery power do you need to run that heart?
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger turns 60 today.
His doctors say he has the body of a much younger human-like ancestor.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger turns 60 today.
His doctors say the only problem he’s having is with his memory – but they can upgrade that easily enough.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Filmmaker Ken Burns turned 54 yesterday.
He had a nice birthday party which he’s turning into a 12 hour documentary.
MONDAY: Britney Spears’ son was injured this weekend when her bodyguard got into a fight with a photographer.
The good news is he wasn’t seriously hurt but the bad news is his doctors say it’ll be a couple of weeks before he can drive again.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Martha Stewart turns 66 today.
I got her what I always get her for her birthday – lingerie – for me.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Barack Obama turns 46 tomorrow.
He had a nice party with his family – he raised $10 million.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Roger Clemens turns 45 tomorrow.
He celebrated with his favorite treat: birthday cake with a big scoop of rosin.
It was a hot, humid summer day here in New York today.
It was so hot today that Michael Vick tried to electrocute Al Roker.
It was a hot, humid summer day here in New York today.
It was so hot today that Mr. Softee changed his name to Mr. Drippy.
A report came out last week that NASA has let some astronauts take off on the space shuttle drunk.
In response NASA is really going to crack down; from now absolutely no drinking until after take-off.
A report came out last week that NASA has let some astronauts take off on the space shuttle drunk.
In response NASA is really going to crack down; from now on on the shuttle they’re going to start charging for drinks.
Whoopi Goldberg is going to replace Rosie O’Donnell on The View.
Apparently they wanted to get somebody with a different point of view from Rosie – like a woman’s.
Nicole Richie has been sentenced to 90 hours in jail for drunken driving.
She’ll probably do less than 90 hours because of good behavior and the fact that she can just slip out between the bars.
This week in Illinois they made the world’s largest ketchup packet.
It’s 8-feet-tall, 4-feet wide and weighs 1,500 pounds. It’ll be on display for a couple of days and then it’ll be donated for Michael Moore’s lunch.
Scientists in Baltimore have engineered the world’s first schizophrenic mice.
Don’t kid yourself, mentally ill rodents are a real problem. Here in New York half of the rats are on Prozac.
Tourism in New York City is down this year.
I can tell tourism is down because it’s been weeks since a tourist has come up to me and asked where the nearest police station was.
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July 26, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:29 am UTC
Last week here in New York a steam pipe exploded and now there’s a big crater on Lexington Avenue.
The city is making the best of it. Earlier today Donald Trump announced he’s turning it into subterranean luxury condos.
Last week here in New York a steam pipe exploded and now there’s a big crater on Lexington Avenue.
Have you seen it? It’s a huge crater or – as we call it – the world’s biggest urinal.
A guy in Montana recently found a deep fried mouse in a bag of Frito-Lay potato chips.
Frito-Lay is trying to put a good spin on it. They’re saying that no trans-fat oils were used to fry the mouse.
Over at the Tour de France this week they’ve kicked out the leader and a bunch of other top riders for using performance enhancing drugs.
Here’s how bad it’s gotten: the leader is now an 8 year-old kid on a Schwinn.
Over at the Tour de France this week they’ve kicked out the leader and a bunch of other top riders for using performance enhancing drugs.
Here’s how bad it’s gotten: the race has officially been rename the Tour de BALCO.
TV Guide magazine has named Oprah Winfrey the highest-salaried person on television.
I wasn’t eligible for the list because CBS still pays me hourly.
TV Guide magazine has named Oprah Winfrey the highest-salaried person on television.
She makes $260 million a year. Great, now I’ll never get out of signing a pre-nup.
Celebrity birthdays: Mick Jagger turns 64 today.
He had a big cake with 64 candles – one for each of his kids.
Celebrity birthdays: Mick Jagger turns 64 today.
He celebrated with a piece of cake and a big scoop of Lipitor.
A new study by the University of California finds that obesity can be contagious.
The government is taking the results very seriously. Earlier today the surgeon general quarantined Michael Moore.
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July 25, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:33 am UTC
It was a beautiful day in New York today.
It was so nice out today that Michael Vick was holding dog fights in Central Park.
More trouble for Lindsay Lohan this week.
Yesterday she was busted for DUI again and earlier today she admitted to fixing NBA games.
A guy in Montana recently found a deep fried mouse in a bag of Frito-Lay potato chips.
Frito-Lay reacted quickly; earlier today they announced that from now on they’re only going to use baked mice in their chips.
Britney Spears just had an interview with a magazine where she let her dog poop on a designer dress, she kept going to the bathroom with the door open and she wiped fried chicken grease on her clothes.
Britney, if you’re watching, I have thing to say: Quit stealing my act!
Tom Cruise is filming a new movie about Adolf Hitler.
Hitler, of course, was a short, crazy dictator who’s trying to take over the world with a beautiful girlfriend – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Tom Cruise.
Tom Cruise is filming a new movie about Adolf Hitler.
In the movie Tom plays one of Hitler’s top aides who tries to kill him by boring him to death with Scientology literature.
Starbucks announced this week that they’re raising their prices by 9 cents a cup.
Here’s how expensive coffee is getting: earlier today President Bush invaded Colombia.
Starbucks announced this week that they’re raising their prices by 9 cents a cup.
The good news is they’re also now offering financing.
The minimum wage was raised from $5.15 to $5.85 an hour this week.
So, technically, that means that these jokes are 70 cents better than last week’s.
Bad news: a new study finds that people who live in New York City have elevated mercury levels in their blood.
The good news is we always know what the temperature is.
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July 24, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:21 am UTC
We’re learning more about that crooked NBA referee.
Earlier today we found out he was also fixing dog fights for Michael Vick.
Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI again last night.
The good news is the rehab place she just got out of offers a money back guarantee.
Lindsay Lohan was arrested for DUI again last night.
Apparently police became suspicious when they saw Lindsay Lohan driving.
Congratulations to Drew Carey who was named as the new host of The Price is Right yesterday.
Here’s what they were looking for in a new host: a funny, middle-aged guy – but apparently Rosie wasn’t interested.
Celebrity birthdays: Barry Bonds turns 43 today.
He had so much cake today that he tested positive for fondant.
Celebrity birthdays: Barry Bonds turns 43 today.
His family threw him a nice party and it went well – he only got a few boos.
Celebrity birthdays: Jennifer Lopez turns 38 today.
Her friends threw her a surprise party – they jumped out from behind her ass.
Tom Cruise is filming a new movie about Adolf Hitler.
Earlier today they shot the scene where he jumps up and down on Eva Braun’s couch.
Paul McCartney has agreed to pay Heather Mills $144 million to settle their divorce.
$144 million? Boy, he’s really giving her an arm and a leg.
Paul McCartney has agreed to pay Heather Mills $144 million to settle their divorce.
Here’s the deal: she gets a lump sum payment of $30 million, $7 million a year for the next 14 years and custody of Ringo.
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July 23, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:25 am UTC
MONDAY: This weekend President Bush had a colonoscopy.
It was nice to see President Bush getting invaded for a change.
MONDAY: This weekend President Bush had a colonoscopy.
The procedure went well; when it was over President Bush pardoned his proctologist.
MONDAY: President Bush’s doctors found five small polyps in his colon this weekend.
The good news is they say the polyps don’t appear worrisome. The bad news is they say the polyps don’t appear worrisome.
MONDAY: President Bush’s doctors found five small polyps in his colon this weekend.
His doctors did a great job finding those tiny little polyps. I’m thinking we should send those guys to find Osama.
MONDAY: Dick Cheney was in charge on Saturday while President Bush had a colonoscopy.
So, in other words, it was business as usual.
MONDAY: Dick Cheney was the acting president on Saturday while President Bush had a colonoscopy.
That meant for 2 hours Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was only a pacemaker malfunction away from being president.
MONDAY: Earlier tonight in South Carolina there was another Democratic presidential debate.
There was one awkward moment at the beginning when Hillary and Barak Obama realized they were both wearing the same pants suit.
MONDAY: The new Harry Potter book came out over the weekend.
I don’t know too much about Harry Potter. Until recently I thought that Hogwarts was something you could catch from the hookers in Times Square.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York they had the New York City Triatholon.
It’s different than most other triatholons. It consisted of 1,500 meter swim, a 40K bike and a 10K ride in a cab being the windows up.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York they had the New York City Triatholon.
It started with 3,000 people swimming in the Hudson River. There haven’t been that many bodies in the Hudson River since John Gotti was alive.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York they had the New York City Triatholon.
It’s different than most other triatholons. Not only did the participants have to ride a bike 40K through the city but they also had to make at least 5 deliveries.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Monica Lewinsky turns 34 today.
She had a big cake with lots of candles and, obviously, she didn’t have any trouble blowing them all out.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Monica Lewinsky turns 34 today.
Just for old times sake she blew out all of the candles on her cake under a desk.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Alex Rodriguez turns 32 today.
In honor of A-Rod’s birthday toady over at Yankee Stadium they’ve reduced the price of a beer to $32.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Alex Rodriguez turns 32 today.
He celebrated with a quiet romantic dinner for two. Tomorrow he’ll celebrate with his wife.
FRIDAY: The Simpsons movie opened today.
You know the Simpsons? America’s favorite dysfunctional cartoon family. Let’s see there’s Homer, Marge, Bart, Tito and Michael.
FRIDAY: The Simpsons movie opened today.
They’re promoting is pretty hard; earlier today Marge Simpson was a guest host on The View.
Bill Clinton said last week that Hillary doesn’t need to be a man to be president.
I say “Yeah, but it sure won’t hurt.”
Police say that Al Gore’s son was caught with 140 Vicodin pills in his car earlier this month.
Legal experts say he’s looking at a pretty inconvenient sentence.
Police say that Al Gore’s son was caught with 140 Vicodin pills in his car earlier this month.
I’m thinking if he wanted to be that numb he should’ve just popped in one of his father’s speeches.
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July 19, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:12 am UTC
The Pope is coming to New York next spring.
He’s pretty excited – he got a great deal on Priceline.com.
Yesterday here in New York City a transformer exploded at Grand Central station.
City officials say it was the biggest explosion in New York City since Rosie quit The View.
Al Sharpton said this week that he wouldn’t be against Don Imus returning to the air.
However, he did say he would strongly oppose Rosie returning to the air.
Yesterday the military caught the guy who was the main contact between Osama bin Laden and al Qaeda leaders in Iraq.
He’s already providing lots of good information. For instance, today he told us that Osama is running an illegal dog fighting ring.
The new Harry Potter book comes out on Saturday and apparently the ending has already been leaked online.
The publisher has identified the source of the leak: Scooter Libby.
Congratulations to former Senator Al D’Amato who going to have a new baby at the age of 70.
It was an unplanned pregnancy – three months ago he mistook his Viagra for his Lipitor.
Congratulations to former Senator Al D’Amato who going to have a new baby at the age of 70.
He doesn’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. Not by choice – the doctor told him but he forgot.
Congratulations to former Senator Al D’Amato who going to have a new baby at the age of 70.
Boy, I can say from experience that’s going to be tough: the drooling, the diapers, the feedings – and taking care of the baby’s going to be a lot of work too.
Britney Spears recently spent $3,000 on a dog.
That’s the most she’s paid for a dog since she divorced Kevin Federline.
Britney Spears recently bought a dog.
Earlier tonight Britney’s dog was seen partying with Paris Hilton’s dog.
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July 18, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:27 am UTC
Last night in Washington Congress held an all-night debate on the Iraq war.
To help them get through the night staffers brought in beds, food and prostitutes.
Last night in Washington Congress held an all-night debate on the Iraq war.
It was highly unusual. Usually the only people in Congress who work at night are the pages.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted yesterday for running illegal dogfights.
Today President Bush said this proves we’re winning the war against overrated quarterbacks.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted yesterday for running illegal dogfights.
These are serious charges. Officials say he could get 6 years in jail or 3 years with the Jets.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was indicted yesterday for running illegal dogfights.
He said it’s all just a misunderstanding. He said those weren’t pit bulls they found in his house – just Chihuahuas on steroids.
This week the Catholic Church agreed to pay $660 million to victims of clergy abuse.
It’s already having an effect; earlier today the Pope cancelled his TiVo.
Celebrity birthdays: Yankee manager Joe Torre turns 67 today.
In honor of his birthday over at Yankee Stadium today they’ve reduced the price of a hot dog to only 67 dollars.
Celebrity birthdays: Yankee manager Joe Torre turns 67 today.
The team got him a big cake with 67 candles and, per usual, his bullpen blew it.
It was on this day in 1925 that Adolph Hitler published Mein Kampf.
I believe it’s still the best selling book by a crazed dictator, other than Martha Stewart.
It was on this day in 1925 that Adolph Hitler published Mein Kampf.
That was so long ago that when the book came out, Larry King interviewed him on radio.
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July 17, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:31 am UTC
Celebrity birthdays: David Hasselhoff turns 55 today.
His family celebrated by throwing him a surprise birthday intervention.
Celebrity birthdays: David Hasselhoff turns 55 today.
He celebrated by eating some birthday cake off of the floor.
This week the Catholic Church agreed to pay $660 million to victims of clergy abuse.
You can already see the effects of the settlement. Earlier today in front of St. Patrick’s I saw an altar boy pull up in a Mercedes.
This week the Catholic Church agreed to pay $660 million to victims of clergy abuse.
You can already see the effects of the settlement. Earlier today I saw a priest on a corner with a sign that said “Will forgive for food.”
2,000 pages of diaries written by Joe DiMaggio are being auctioned off.
The diaries were written when he was in his 70s, so they’re not too exciting. Most of them are about what he had for dinner at Applebees.
Rupert Murdoch, the owner of FOX, is buying Dow Jones.
Rupert is already planning big changes. First off, stocks will now be rated by Simon Cowell.
Muslim congressman Keith Ellison compared George W. Bush to Adolf Hitler this week.
That’s a silly comparison; Hitler actually had a plan.
Muslim congressman Keith Ellison compared George W. Bush to Adolf Hitler this week.
That’s a silly comparison; Dick Cheney is much more like Hitler than Bush is.
NBC announced yesterday that they’re going to do a celebrity version of The Apprentice.
People like Kevin Federline and Nick Lachey are going to compete for a job working for Trump. The winner will get to pick between being a waiter or a janitor.
NBC announced yesterday that they’re going to do a celebrity version of The Apprentice.
Here’s how it will work: each week Donald will fire one member of The View.
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July 16, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:26 am UTC
MONDAY: I took my son Harry to see the movie Ratatouille this weekend.
I liked the movie but, honestly, the next time he wants to see a rat working in a restaurant I’ll just take him down to Taco Bell.
MONDAY: Congratulations to Al Gore’s daughter Sarah who got married this weekend.
It was a lovely wedding or, as Al calls it, an inconvenient expense.
MONDAY: Osama bin Laden’s son Omar got married last week.
It was a pretty traditional wedding; his friends even tied cans to the back of the couple’s camel.
MONDAY: The new Harry Potter movie opened this weekend.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering a Harry Potter special: for $50 they’ll straighten your wand.
FRIDAY: The new Harry Potter book comes out tomorrow.
This is the last Harry Potter book and, to be honest, that’s good because he’s getting a little old. In this book Harry suffers from wand dysfunction.
FRIDAY: The new Harry Potter book comes out tomorrow.
J.K. Rowling says that this will be the last new Harry Potter book because there’s no more money in the world that she doesn’t already have.
FRIDAY: It was 38 years ago today that man first landed on the moon.
38 years since we put a man on the moon and I still can’t find a realistic hairpiece.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Janet Reno turns 69 tomorrow.
Her doctors say she’s in perfect health and has the body of a man younger man.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Janet Reno turns 69 tomorrow.
The good news is her doctors recently gave prostate a clean bill of health.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Janet Reno turns 69 tomorrow.
Is it just me or does the words “Janet Reno” and “69″ make you kind of queasy?
There’s a new Osama bin Laden video out this week.
Experts say they can tell it’s recent because based on the background you can see he’s waiting in line for the new Harry Potter book.
There’s a new Osama bin Laden video out this week.
Experts say they can tell it’s recent because he mentions his son Omar getting married last week and declares a jihad against wedding caterers.
U.N. inspectors confirmed this week that North Korea has officially shut down its nuclear reactor.
President Bush said he was glad to hear it, since it’s one less thing we’ll have to do after the invasion.
U.N. inspectors confirmed this week that North Korea has officially shut down its nuclear reactor.
Here now are the things that North Korea is incapable of producing: nuclear weapons, nuclear power and sliced bread.
Snoop Dogg is getting his own reality show.
He says it’ll be a lot like the The Osbournes, but with more f’sizzle.
Out in California there are claims now that Paris Hilton got special treatment in jail.
I don’t know about Paris but I know that Martha Stewart didn’t get special treatment in jail. Every time I visited her we had to wait in line with everybody else to use the conjugal visit trailer.
The president of CBS News says that he Kati Couric will be the anchor of the CBS Evening News for years to come.
That’s right – she’ll be gone by Labor Day.
There’s a new study out that shows that high school students are having less sex.
Experts attribute the drop to better education, fear of sexually transmitted diseases and teachers playing harder to get.
Lindsay Lohan has officially checked out of rehab.
She’s wearing an alcohol-detecting ankle bracelet. The way it works is, the bracelet automatically alerts her counselor any time she gets within 10 feet of Britney Spears.
Scientists in Ethiopia say they’ve found jaw fragments of an early human that are 3 and a half million years old.
They say it’s the oldest human-like jaw fragment ever found, outside of Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon’s office.
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July 12, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:35 am UTC
Former first lady Lady Bird Johnson died yesterday at the age of 94.
President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea she was a former first lady.
Intelligence experts say that Al Qaeda is back to it’s pre 9-11 strength.
Apparently their recruiting has been going well thanks to the war in Iraq, the situation in Afghanistan and their new MySpace page.
The new Harry Potter movie just opened.
In this movie Harry faces his toughest challenge yet: he has to use his magical powers to conjure up a prom date.
The new Harry Potter movie just opened.
I’ve seen the new Harry Potter movie and, not to sound sexist, but you can tell that Harry’s friend Hermione has wand envy.
Scientists in Siberia recently found the frozen body of a baby woolly mammoth.
The mammoth is going be sent to an institute in Japan for further study and when they’re done with it it’ll be sent to KFC.
Scientists in Siberia recently found the frozen body of a baby woolly mammoth.
I believe it’s the first mammoth to be discovered since Rosie O’Donnell.
Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff said yesterday that he has a gut feeling that there could be a terrorist attack this summer.
And you know if there’s one thing we can trust, it’s the Bush Administration’s gut feelings.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th.
Friday the 13th is supposed to be an unlucky day but to me every day is like Friday the 13th – I never get lucky.
Tomorrow is Friday the 13th.
Tomorrow at the Hello Deli they’ll be offering their usual Friday the 13th special: half price on black cat meatloaf.
Astronomers announced this week that they’ve found a plant with water 60 light years from Earth.
They say they’re encouraged that they may eventually find life on other planets. They’re still not encouraged about finding life on the Yankees.
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July 11, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:25 am UTC
Last night in San Francisco they played the All Star Game.
It wasn’t a great night for Barry Bonds. He was 0-for-2 with two more denials.
Down in Washington D.C. we’re finding out that lots of politicians were clients of the DC Madam.
Apparently lots of guys in Congress have been pulling out for a long time.
Former President Clinton has a new book coming out in September.
He got a pretty good deal from the publisher: they gave him a hefty advance and a hefty intern.
Former President Clinton has a new book coming out in September.
He’s already got a big book tour planned. He’ll be appearing this fall at a Hooters near you.
P. Diddy and his girlfriend Kim Porter have split up.
No word yet on who gets custody of their three young children: the little bitty Diddies.
A guy in Oregon recently flew 193 miles in a lawn chair floated by 105 large balloons.
It took him 9 hours to fly 193 miles. He said it would’ve been quicker but he had to change chairs in Detroit.
Astronomers announced this week that they’ve been able to detect light from galaxies that was generated billions of years ago.
The light is so old they’re actually able to see glimpses of the beginning of Larry King’s career.
There’s going to be a presidential debate in August devoted solely to gay issues.
They’ll be discussing the issues that are most important to gays: gay marriage, equal rights for gays and Rosie O’Donnell’s next career move.
There’s going to be a presidential debate in August devoted solely to gay issues.
I believe it’ll be the gayest hour on TV, other than Dancing with the Stars.
Osama bin Laden’s son Omar bin Laden got married this week.
They’ll be honeymooning in a mountainous area near the Afghanistan-Pakistan border.
Osama bin Laden’s son Omar bin Laden got married this week.
If you’re interested in sending a wedding gift I believe they’re registered at Bed, Bath and Camel.
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July 10, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
It was another hot and humid day here in New York City today.
It was so hot today that Mayor Bloomberg announced he’s running for president of Iceland.
It was another hot and humid day here in New York City today.
It was so hot today that the Taco Bell rats have moved to Baskin & Robbins.
It was another hot and humid day here in New York City today.
It was so hot today that over at St. Patrick’s the priests were chasing the altar boys down a slip ‘n slide.
It was another hot and humid day here in New York City today.
It was hot today you could actually see underarm stains on the Statue of Liberty.
Celebrity birthdays: Jessica Simpson turns 27 today.
Her friends threw her a big party and it was a real surprise – she had no idea it was her birthday.
Earlier tonight in San Francisco they played the All Star Game.
Willy Mays threw out the ceremonial first accusation.
Earlier tonight in San Francisco they played the All Star Game.
Alex Rodriguez had a big night: he went 3-for-4 and picked up two strippers.
Barry Bonds started the All Star Game and got a big ovation from the home town fans.
I just hope all of the attention didn’t give him a big head.
President Bush announced yesterday that he has no plans to begin pulling our troops out of Iraq.
So you know what that means: our men and women should be home by Labor Day.
President Bush announced yesterday that he has no plans to begin pulling our troops out of Iraq.
I believe he’s the first president to deny pulling out since Bill Clinton.
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July 9, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:31 am UTC
MONDAY: It was hot and humid in New York City today.
It was so hot today that Scooter Libby told President Bush to forget the pardon and let him go to the cooler.
MONDAY: It was hot and humid in New York City today.
It was so hot today that Al Gore’s son was pulled over for driving under the influence of lemonade.
MONDAY: It was hot and humid in New York City today.
It was so sweaty today that over at the Hello Deli Rupert was putting antiperspirant on the lunch meat.
MONDAY: It was hot and humid in New York City today.
It was so sweaty today that the police were rounding up homeless people and giving them free antiperspirant.
MONDAY: I have a special trick to beat the heat on days like today.
What I do is I take a frozen cabbage leaf and I put it right under my hairpiece.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: President Bush turned 61 on Friday.
His family threw him a small birthday party. There wasn’t any entertainment but there was one clown there.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: President Bush turned 61 on Friday.
Vice President Cheney gave him a special present: for one hour he actually let Bush run the country.
MONDAY: This weekend they had Al Gore’s Live Earth concerts.
The crowds were well behaved; the only person who got busted was Al Gore’s son.
MONDAY: This weekend they had Al Gore’s Live Earth concerts.
The whole concerts were green. The only thing at the concerts that wasn’t biodegradable was Madonna’s face.
FRIDAY: The new Harry Potter movie opened today.
It’s rated PG-13 for violence, scary images and a few shots of Harry’s wand.
FRIDAY: In the new Harry Potter movie Harry and his buddies are real teenagers now.
They spend half the movie comparing the size of their wands.
FRIDAY: It’s Friday the 13th.
I thought I was really unlucky today because a big, black cat crossed my path this morning, but then I realized it was just a rat.
FRIDAY: Down in Times Square the hookers are offering a Friday the 13th special.
For $50 you’re guaranteed to get lucky.
Nicole Richie is reportedly pregnant.
You know what that means – she’s not eating for two now.
Clay Aiken got into a fight with a woman on a plane last week.
Witnesses say she was bitchy, she was cranky, she was mean – and the woman wasn’t pleasant either.
Clay Aiken got into a fight with a woman on a plane last week.
That’s not a fair fight – he could’ve really gotten hurt.
This week they announced the new seven wonders of the world.
This new list was based on an online vote and here are the top three new wonders of the world: the Great Wall of China, the Taj Mahal and Donald Trump’s hair.
Here in New York City they’ve enacted tougher noise regulations.
So, for you tourists, if you want to avoid getting a ticket make sure when you’re getting mugged not to scream.
Here in New York City they’ve enacted tougher noise regulations.
The new regulations are pretty strict; now you can get a ticket for shooting your gun without a silencer.
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