Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
June 28, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:22 am UTC
Paris Hilton was interviewed by Larry King last night.
She said being in jail was traumatic, it was humiliating, and she’s glad it’s over – no, wait, that’s what she said about being with Larry King.
Paris Hilton was interviewed by Larry King last night.
The interview seemed to go well – Larry didn’t try to marry her.
It was really hot and sweaty today here in New York City.
It was so hot and sweaty today that over at Flashdancers they had to keep putting baby powder on the poles.
It’s been hot and sweaty week here in New York City all week.
I haven’t sweat this much since I found out I was going to be a father.
It’s been so hot here in New York City that we’ve had blackouts around the city.
The good news is that the only thing without power right now is the Yankee offense.
It’s been so hot here in New York that Starbucks is now offering frappuccinos in a new size.
Now you can get a frappuccino in one of the following sizes: tall, grande, venti or “right down my pants.”
Archaeologists in Egypt announced this week that they’ve identified the mummy of a female pharaoh.
Experts say she was Queen of Egypt back in the 15th century B.C. and, interestingly, Larry King’s first wife.
Archaeologists in Egypt announced this week that they’ve identified the mummy of a female pharaoh
Experts say she was known for dressing like a man and wearing a false beard. I believe her name was Queen Hatshepsut O’Donnell.
Fashion designer Liz Claiborne died this week at the age of 78.
Well, I guess we know what she’ll be buried in.
Scientists in the U.S. announced this week that they’re going to lead an expedition to search for Bigfoot next month.
They say they’re narrowed down Bigfoot’s location to either upper Michigan or the California governor’s mansion.
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June 27, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:25 am UTC
It was really hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot today that Michael Moore’s next movie is going to be about Al Roker
It was really hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot today that I saw a tourist on the side of the road with an overheated hooker.
It was really hot today here in New York City.
The key to beating the heat is wearing material that wicks away the sweat, which is what my hairpiece is made out of.
It was really hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot today that the Statue of Liberty was wearing a belly shirt.
Earlier tonight Paris Hilton was interviewed by Larry King.
Was it just me or could you actually feel the sexual tension?
Earlier tonight Paris Hilton was interviewed by Larry King.
She got a large cash payment to spend one hour alone with him – it’s the same deal his ex-wives got.
Earlier tonight Paris Hilton was interviewed by Larry King.
I thought she spoke well. In fact, I haven’t seen her use her mouth that well since her sex video.
Sources say Paris Hilton spent her first day out of jail yesterday getting pampered by a team of beauty and fashion experts.
That’s the difference between Paris and Martha Stewart. When Martha got out of jail all she wanted was a shot of whiskey and a smoke.
The new Die Hard movie opened today.
I don’t want to say that Bruce Willis is getting old but in this movie the only thing he’s is in danger of dying from is old age.
Here in New York City they’re going to start paying poor people for good behavior.
Here’s how it will work: poor people will get small cash payments for things like graduating from high school, holding a job and not killing anybody.
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June 26, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:25 am UTC
Paris Hilton was released from jail earlier today.
Her punishment isn’t over; she’s still on parole until 2009, she had to community service and tomorrow she has to spend an hour with Larry King.
Paris Hilton was released from jail earlier today.
She said she’s looking forward to spending a week or two just relaxing and doing nothing before she gets back to relaxing and doing nothing.
Paris Hilton was released from jail earlier today.
She says she’s looking forward to getting back on her back.
Paris Hilton’s says the she’s really learned her lesson and she’d going to do things differently from now on.
That’s right; she said if she had to do it all over again she would definitely hire a better lawyer.
Rosie O’Donnell said this week that she isn’t going to be the next host of The Price Is Right.
She said she hasn’t been this disappointed since she didn’t get the job hosting The Man Show.
It was really hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot today that Paris Hilton asked to be sent back to the cooler.
It was really hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot today that the Yankee Stadium hot dogs were actually hot.
It was really hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot today over on 8th Avenue I saw a bunch of rats bust open a fire hydrant.
Iran announced this week that they’re starting a 24 hour news channel.
I believe it’s the first news channel run by religious fundamentalists other than FOX News.
Iran announced this week that they’re starting a 24 hour news channel.
They say it’ll be a lot like FOX News, but less extreme.
Former Miss USA Shannon Marketic was arrested for public intoxication at the Dallas airport this week.
Witnesses say she appeared disheveled, incoherent and extremely unpoised.
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June 25, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:27 am UTC
MONDAY: Paris Hilton gets out of jail tomorrow.
They’re already counting down the hours and planning a huge celebration after she gets out- and that’s just the people at the jail.
MONDAY: Paris Hilton gets out of jail tomorrow.
In order to ease her transition back into society she’s going to spend a couple of weeks in a halfway mansion.
MONDAY: Paris Hilton is going to be interviewed by Larry King on Wednesday.
She’s scheduled to talk to Larry for an hour, but it could be reduced to 30 minutes with good behavior.
MONDAY: Paris Hilton gets out of jail tomorrow.
Her PR people have been hard at work preparing for her release. They’ve already booked her first post-jail interview and her first post-jail sex video.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York City we had the big Gay Pride Parade.
It was such a sunny day that I’ve got a tan line right where my leather chaps ended.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York City we had the big Gay Pride Parade.
I went to the parade and it was such a warm day that I decided to wear linen chaps.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York City we had the big Gay Pride Parade.
Security was tight; there were lots of cops everywhere – and Rosie.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York City we had the big Gay Pride Parade.
It was a big weekend for the gays in New York; they had their annual parade and they took 2 out of 3 from the Yankees.
MONDAY: This weekend here in New York City there was a UFO Festival.
For three days the city was filled with wackos and nutjobs – and then there were all the people here for the UFO Festival.
FRIDAY: Michael Moore’s new movie Sicko opened today.
If you’re like me and you don’t know what Sicko’s about when you go to see it, here’s a heads up: it’s not about Michael Jackson.
FRIDAY: Michael Moore’s new movie Sicko is all about how bad the healthcare system is in the U.S.
He’s the perfect guy to make a movie about healthcare because when you think of healthy living, you think of Michael Moore.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Mike Tyson turns 41 today.
The good news is he got lots of presents. The bad news he had to give 80% of them to Don King.
It was hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot that Hillary Clinton was wearing a short pants suit.
It was hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot that this morning my cab driver was wearing an oscillating turban.
It was hot today here in New York City.
It was so hot that the TB guy was caught trying to sneak into Ben and Jerry’s.
Iran announced this week that they’re starting a 24 hour cable new channel.
It’s going launch in July and will be anchored by Muhammed al Blitzer.
A new study out finds that 96 percent of Americans have sex before they’re 20.
I couldn’t have sex before I was 20; I never had that kind of cash.
Good news: smoking in New York City is at record lows.
I can tell smoking is way down in New York because it’s been months since I’ve had to ask for a non-smoking hooker.
Good news: smoking in New York City is at record lows.
The bad news is smoking is the main we control the rat population.
New York City was recently ranked at the 15th most expensive city in the world.
Here’s how expensive it is to live in New York: earlier today Donald Trump announced he’s moving to New Jersey.
Oprah Winfrey was ranked the most powerful celebrity by Forbes magazine.
I was a little farther down the list; I was above Pauly Shore, but below the TB guy.
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June 14, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:15 am UTC
Happy Flag Day!
Everybody here in New York City has Flag Day fever. Earlier today my cab driver was wearing a star spangled turban.
Happy Flag Day!
Everybody here in New York City has Flag Day fever. Over at the Hello Deli Rupert is only charging half price for the red, white and blue meatloaf.
It turns out that President Bush’s watch wasn’t stolen during his recent visit to Albania.
Lucky for them; he’s invaded countries for less than that.
Paris Hilton’s parents visited her in prison this week and got to cut to the front of the line of visitors.
The other visitors were pretty angry, but the Hilton’s didn’t notice; if there’s one thing they’re good at it’s ignoring lines of unhappy people.
Hostess is now selling banana-crème filled Twinkies.
So, finally some good news for Rosie O’Donnell.
Hostess is now selling banana-crème filled Twinkies.
Apparently Hostess is getting pretty desperate; sales have been way down since Kirstie Alley went on a diet.
Last month in Alaska fisherman caught a 50-ton whale and found a lance fragment in the whale’s body that was over 100 years old.
They were able to date the fragment based on its markings and the fact that it had”Property of Larry King” engraved on it.
Last month in Alaska fisherman caught a 50-ton whale and found a lance fragment in the whale’s body that was over 100 years old.
Experts estimated the whale to be about 130 years old. Before this the oldest known living whale was Marlon Brando.
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June 13, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:28 am UTC
Paris Hilton has been dropped by her talent agency.
They said it has nothing to do with her jail sentence; they just realized she doesn’t have any talent.
Paris Hilton has been dropped by her talent agency.
That’s right – earlier today she was dropped by Creative Pimps Agency.
This week Iran said they would like to hold direct talks with the US.
Here’s what they’d like to discuss: security in Iraq, the situation in Israel and the last episode of The Sopranos.
Good news: the federal budget deficit is down 35%.
So, there’s one advantage to eliminating the Bill of Rights.
Good news: the federal budget deficit is down 35%.
Officials say it’s due to a lot of belt tightening around the government. For example every Air Force One flight now makes a stop in Pittsburgh.
It’s graduation season!
I’m excited because I’ve been invited to speak to a group of seniors – AARP.
It’s graduation season!
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual graduation time special: half price for all valedictorians.
It’s graduation season!
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual graduation time special: for $50 they’ll make you cum laude.
Celebrity birthdays: the Olsen twins turn 21 today.
That’s right – as of today they’re each officially 21 years old and 21 pounds.
Celebrity birthdays: the Olsen twins turn 21 today.
They celebrated with a tripe layer chocolate crumb.
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June 12, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:52 am UTC
Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters from prison this week that she has found god.
Now somebody just needs to tell her it’s not her.
Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters from prison this week that she has found god.
Big deal – she also said that during one of her sex videos.
Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters from prison this week that she’s no longer going to act dumb.
That was an act?
Paris Hilton’s ex-boyfriend visited her in jail this week.
The visit went well – they even made a conjugal visit video.
Paris Hilton told Barbara Walters that when she gets out of jail she wants help people.
She said the first thing she’s going to do is deliver food to Nicole Richie.
People are pretty angry about how The Sopranos ended the other night.
Here’s how angry they are: earlier today the Paris Hilton judge sent David Chase to jail.
Celebrity birthdays: former President George H. W. Bush turns 83 today.
Even at 83 Former President Bush is as sharp and with it and on top of things as ever. I wish we could say the same thing about his son.
Celebrity birthdays: former President George H. W. Bush turns 83 today.
His family threw him a surprise party and he looked really surprised – so did Barbara.
President Bush was up on Capitol Hill today to try to revive the immigration bill.
It’s unusual for President Bush to be on Capitol Hill. Usually the only reasons he goes up there are for State of the Union speeches, to push special legislation and for sledding.
The Post Office announced this week that they’re going to issue a Gerald Ford stamp this summer.
You have to be dead to be on a stamp, so the only living ex-president you can lick is Bill Clinton.
It was on this day in 1994 that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ron Goldman were murdered.
I’m thinking at this point that O.J. may never find the killers.
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June 10, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:00 pm UTC
MONDAY: Paris Hilton was sent back to jail over the weekend after being released last week.
Legal experts say her main problem was she didn’t have an attorney who could rhyme.
MONDAY: Sources say Paris Hilton hasn’t been eating or drinking in prison because she’s afraid somebody will take her picture when she’s going to the bathroom.
That’s not surprising – you know how camera shy she is.
MONDAY: Sources say Paris Hilton hasn’t been eating or drinking in prison because she’s afraid somebody will take her picture when she’s going to the bathroom.
That’s right, she won’t eat or drink for days because she’s afraid somebody will take her picture when she’s going to the bathroom; it’s like I have a twin.
MONDAY: Paris Hilton apparently had a nervous breakdown after three days in jail.
That just shows you how some people handle going to jail differently. After three days in jail Martha Stewart already had her own gang.
MONDAY: Some people feel that Paris Hilton is being treated too harshly because she’s a celebrity.
Let this be a lesson to all you celebrities in California: if you want to stay out of jail either don’t drive drunk or make sure you kill somebody.
MONDAY: People were really upset when Paris Hilton was released from jail last week.
Here’s how upset people were: even O.J. was protesting in the streets.
MONDAY: President Bush has replaced his Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Peter Pace.
Apparently President Bush wasn’t happy with his handling of the Paris Hilton situation.
MONDAY: Yesterday President Bush became the first American president to visit Albania.
He’s the first president to visit Albania and, I believe, the first president who had never heard of Albania.
MONDAY: Last night was the final episode of The Sopranos.
Honestly, I think it was time for The Sopranos to end; it was getting kind of lame. For instance, this season Tony started getting most of his counseling from Oprah.
MONDAY: Last night was the Tony Awards
I won a Tony Award last night for the Worst Hairpiece on Broadway.
MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York they had they big Puerto Rican Day parade.
All the floats were stolen from other parades.
MONDAY: Roger Clemens returned to the Yankees this weekend.
He beat the Pirates on Saturday and his next start will actually be against a major league team.
FRIDAY: This year I figured out a way to make sure I get something I really want for Father’s Day.
I created a wish list on the AARP.com.
FRIDAY: Today I’m wearing the Father’s Day gift my son Harry gave me last year. Can you guess what it is?
Here’s a hint: it’s kind of ugly, it doesn’t fit well and it’s a little embarrassing to wear – that’s right, it’s my hairpiece.
FRIDAY: This Sunday is Father’s Day.
Father’s Day is the day we honor the man who raised us by buying him something more embarrassing to wear than he usually does.
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June 7, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
Paris Hilton was released from prison earlier today after serving only three days.
So the bad news now there won’t be any conjugal visit videos.
Paris Hilton was released from prison earlier today after serving only three days.
In response earlier today the Department of Homeland Security raised the threat level to “bitchy.”
Paris Hilton was released from prison earlier today after serving only three days.
She served three days of a 45 day sentence, but the important thing is she didn’t get any special treatment.
Paris Hilton was released from prison earlier today after serving only three days.
Here’s the deal: she gets to leave after serving only three days and in return somebody gets a large amount of money.
Here’s the deal for Paris Hilton: she’ll spend the next 40 days confined to her home.
She’ll only be allowed out of her house for medical appointments, religious services and red carpet events.
Here’s the deal for Paris Hilton: she’ll spend the next 40 days confined to home with her family.
She’s been confined to home with her family for one day now and she’s already asking if she can go back to jail.
Good news: New York has been rated the safest big city in America.
It’s not good news for everybody; earlier today the mayor laid off 10 more chalk outline guys.
Good news: New York has been rated the safest big city in America.
It’s the usual story: all of our crime is being outsourced overseas.
At the Vatican yesterday a guy tried to jump into the back of car carrying the Pope.
Luckily nothing happened because the guy was quickly wrestled to the ground by Mel Gibson.
Dick Cheney’s wife Lynne Cheney is being considered as a replacement for the late Senator Craig Thomas from Wyoming.
It looks like she’s serious about the job – Dick’s helping her to work on her shooting skills.
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June 6, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:44 am UTC
Today was Day 3 of Paris Hilton’s jail sentence.
She spends 23 hours a day alone in her cell and they say she’s already starting to go stir crazy. Here’s how crazy she’s getting: earlier today she actually considered reading a book.
Yesterday in Washington Scooter Libby was sentenced to 30 months in prison.
The good news is with a name like Scooter he shouldn’t have any trouble making friends in prison.
Earlier today Bob Barker taped his final show as host of The Price is Right.
He said he’s looking forward to retirement and to spending less time working on his tan.
Last night in New Hampshire the Republican presidential candidates had another debate.
It was a pretty contentious debate. The only thing they were all in favor of was the Rosie leaving The View.
Today is the 63rd anniversary of the D-Day invasion of France.
D-Day was the worst fighting Americans have seen until Rosie joined The View.
Today is the 63rd anniversary of the D-Day invasion of France.
That was really a different time. For example, back then invading another country was fun.
A guy here in New York recently had to go to the hospital after a vitamin-enriched drink gave him a permanent eretion.
It was pretty serious; he eventually had to have surgery to remove the smile from his face.
A guy in Poland recently woke up after spending 19 years in a coma.
When he woke up and saw the news the first thing he said was “George Bush is still in Iraq?”
Paul McCartney released a new album this week.
You can buy the album at Starbucks using cash or charge or you can just make a check out directly to Heather Mills McCartney.
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June 5, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:57 am UTC
Earlier tonight in New Hampshire the Republican presidential candidates had another debate.
I don’t want to say Mitt Romeny looked over confident, but he brought all of his wives to the debate.
Earlier tonight in New Hampshire the Republican presidential candidates had another debate.
The debate is over but none of the candidates wanted to set an exact timetable for their withdrawal.
Out in California Paris Hilton is serving her 45 day jail sentence.
Experts say she’ll probably get half of that time off for well-coordinated behavior.
Out in California Paris Hilton is serving her 45 day jail sentence.
It’s not going well. Earlier today she got into a fight in the tanning salon.
Out in California Paris Hilton is serving her 45 day jail sentence.
She’s staying at a pretty rough place. Here’s how rough it is: the restaurant is only four stars.
Out in California Paris Hilton is serving her 45 day jail sentence.
It’s a pretty tough place; inside the jail the currency is cigarettes and eye shadow.
Rosie O’Donnell is going to publish her memoirs later this year.
The rumor is in this book she finally admits using steroids.
Rosie O’Donnell is going to publish her memoirs later this year.
I’ve already seen an advance copy and I’m jealous because it turns out she’s been with more women than I have.
Rosie O’Donnell is going to publish her memoirs later this year.
The book will cover her whole career going back to her days as a longshoreman.
A couple of people in Japan recently went into a KFC and found glass in their cole slaw.
The KFC folks are clever; they said the glass is there to keep the mice out.
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June 4, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
MONDAY: Paris Hilton reported to jail last night.
Earlier today President Bush declared “Mission Accomplished.”
MONDAY: Paris Hilton reported to jail last night.
She’s keeping herself busy – she’s already made a conjugal visit video.
MONDAY: Paris Hilton will confined to her cell alone for 23 hours a day.
So she’ll have 23 hours a day to think – we don’t know what she’ll be doing with the 22 hours and 45 minutes each day.
MONDAY: Paris Hilton will confined to her cell alone for 23 hours a day.
She said she’s not sure what she’ll be doing for the other four hours a day.
MONDAY: Last night in New Hampshire the Democratic presidential candidates held another debate.
There was no clear cut winner. John Edwards made the best points, but Hillary had the best pants suit.
MONDAY: President Bush is in Europe this week for the G8 summit.
While he’s in Europe he’s instructed his cabinet to keep him updated on any change in the situation on The View.
MONDAY: President Bush is in Europe this week for the G8 summit.
He wants to talk about hot spots in the world: the situation in Iraq, nuclear weapons in Iran, pirates in the Carribbean…
MONDAY: Roger Clemens had to miss his first start with the Yankees today because of a fatigued groin.
That’s strange; I’d think if anybody on the Yankees would have a fatigued groin it’d be A Rod.
MONDAY: Last week Alex Rodriguez was caught cheating on his wife and being unsportsmanlike on the field.
The good news is for once I’m not the most overpaid, laughingstock in New York.
MONDAY: Alex Rodriguez is way overpaid, he’s hated by his coworkers and he thinks he’s god gift to women.
It’s like I have a twin.
MONDAY: Last week here in New York they arrested four guys for attempting to blow up JFK airport.
Experts say if they had pulled it off it would’ve been the biggest explosion in New York City since Elisabeth set off Rosie on The View.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Angelina Jolie turns 32 today.
Her husband Brad Pitt got her a gift certificate to Ethiopia.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Joan Rivers turns 74 today.
Her friends threw her a big surprise party. What they did was they all hid in her plastic surgeon’s office.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Joan Rivers turns 74 today.
She may be 74 but her face is still under warranty.
FRIDAY: It was a beautiful day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that Alex Rodriguez was seen taking Al Roker up to his hotel room.
The most expensive parking space in New York City now costs $2,000 a month.
Here’s what you get for $2,000 a month: a parking space on 76th Street big enough for a stretch limo marked by a sign that says “Reserved for Dumbass.”
Bad news: parking rates here in New York City are the highest in the country.
Parking is so expensive that when I go out in Manhattan the parking now costs more than the sex.
Bad news: parking rates here in New York City are the highest in the country.
Parking is Manhattan is really expensive but the good news is the hookers now validate.
A guy in California just set a new world record by eating 59 hot dogs in 12 minutes.
After he did it he got a certificate of his accomplishment and a congratulatory phone call from Elton John.
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