Chumworth on the News – 2007

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

It’s Fleet Week here in New York City.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Fleet Week special: for $50 they’ll swab your poopdeck.

Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter Mary gave birth to a baby boy yesterday.

Friends say Cheney was so happy he couldn’t wipe the sneer off of his face.

Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter Mary gave birth to a baby boy yesterday.

During the labor and delivery Mary’s partner, Heather, was in the waiting room smoking with the other dads.

Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter Mary gave birth to a baby boy yesterday.

Right after the baby was born they brought her to her mom’s bed and then they brought the baby to Cheney’s bed in the cardiac unit.

Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck got into a big fight yesterday on The View.

You know what that means – Rosie’s back on steroids.

Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck got into a big fight yesterday on The View.

Elisabeth played it smart. When Rosie got really mad, Elisabeth just lied down and played dead.

Rosie O’Donnell and Elisabeth Hasselbeck got into a big fight yesterday on The View.

Things only calmed down after Joy Behar shot Rosie with a tranquilizer gun.

Celebrity birthdays: the Brooklyn Bridge turns 124 today.

The Brooklyn Bridge is so well traveled that the only thing that’s had more people on it is Paris Hilton.

Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher say they’re in love and are moving in together.

They can’t get married until his divorce is final – or until she kills his wife.

U.S. health officials are checking for shipments of tainted toothpaste coming from China.

The good news is officials in England say they haven’t found and any tainted toothpaste in the country – or any other toothpaste.

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It’s Fleet Week here in New York City.

I love Fleet Week because it’s the one time of year that New York City smells like brine.

It’s Fleet Week here in New York City.

I believe it’s the biggest show of force this city has seen since Snoop Dogg’s last tour.

The Yankees lost to the Red Sox last night and they’re now 10 1/2 games out of first place.

The Yankees are so bad this year that earlier today Jimmy Carter called them the worst team ever.

Jason Giambi admitted this week that he used to use steroids.

He says he regrets using them and he won’t ever use them again. So, the Yankees season is definitely over.

Paris Hilton was seen this week in Los Angeles carrying a Bible.

Apparently, she hasn’t gotten to the part yet about adultery.

Paris Hilton was seen this week in Los Angeles carrying a Bible.

There are other signs that Paris has found religion. Earlier today she was pulled over for driving under the influence of communion wine.

Mayor Bloomberg said this week that all New York City cabs will be hybrids within five years.

The whole city is going green. Earlier today they installed solar panels over at Grant’s Tomb.

A 60-year-old woman in New Jersey became the oldest woman to give birth to twins yesterday.

That’s going to be a lot of work. All the drooling, the diapers, and the baby food – and the twins will be a lot of work to.

A 60-year-old woman in New Jersey became the oldest woman to give birth to twins yesterday.

There are some advantages to having a baby at 60. For example, she won’t have to pick the kids up to breast feed.

A guy in Colorado has been arrested for stealing 1,300 pairs of women’s underwear.

It’s good to hear that Regis back to full strength.

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It’s Fleet Week here in New York City.

The sailors and ships will be here through Memorial Day, or until we’re capable of self rule.

Today I saw a sure sign that it’s Fleet Week here in New York City.

Over at St. Patrick’s the priests were sitting on the stoop whistling at sailors.

Yesterday President Bush said he still fully supported Alberto Gonzales.

Here’s how strongly he supports him: he said he would even put in a good word for him with Dick Cheney.

Paula Abdul broke her nose over the weekend.

The good news is her doctors say it won’t keep her from being on American Idol or having sex with the contestants.

Gas prices are now at their highest levels ever.

Here’s how high gas prices are: here in New York City the cab drivers now offer financing.

Producers here in New York announced this week that they’re going to make a musical version of “The Addams Family.”

The good news is that means this will no longer be the dumbest show in Broadway.

Producers here in New York announced this week that they’re going to make a musical version of “The Addams Family.”

The show won’t debut until 2009 but they’ve already cast Uncle Fester – Rosie O’Donnell.

A clothing company in Switzerland has developed underpants to protect from cell phone radiation.

That’s right, underwear to protect from cell phone radiation. So, I’m not so crazy now, am I?

It was 40 years ago today that Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood debuted.

Even though he’s no longer with us Mister Rogers is still watched every day by millions of kids and President Bush.

It was 40 years ago today that Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood debuted.

I was sad when Mister Rogers went off the air because then I became the most effeminate guy on TV.

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MONDAY: Shrek 3 opened this weekend.

Shrek is all over the place. Earlier today he sat in for Regis.

MONDAY: By the end of the new Shrek movie Shrek is married with three kids.

Well, so much for happy endings.

MONDAY: Shrek 3 made over $120 million this weekend.

I believe it’s the most money made by an ogre since Rosie joined The View.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Cher turned 61 yesterday.

She has the face of a much younger woman – and the receipt to prove it.

FRIDAY: This weekend is the big Memorial Day weekend.

Earlier today in Washington a confused President Bush kicked off the weekend by laying a wreath at the feet of the Unknown Comic.

FRIDAY: This weekend is the big Memorial Day weekend.

Earlier today in Washington a confused President Bush kicked off the weekend by expressing his gratitude to Captain Kangaroo.

FRIDAY: This weekend we’ll be having the big Letterman family Memorial Day barbeque at my house.

I’ll be working the grill and, just to be careful, this year I bought a fire retardant hairpiece.

FRIDAY: Pirates of the Caribbean 3 opened today.

Earlier today a confused President Bush sent a carrier group to the region.

It’s Fleet Week here in New York City.

Down in Times Square the hookers are offering they’re annual Fleet Week special – for $50 they’ll hoist your mizzenmast.

Down in Australia Sylvester Stallone has been fined for illegally bringing steroids into the country.

He was ordered to apologize, pay a $10,000 fine, and promise to never make another Rocky movie.

President Bush and former President Carter have been having a war of words.

So, there’s another war that Bush can’t win.

President Bush and former President Carter have been having a war of words.

If I were President Carter I’d be careful. The last president that George Bush had a beef with ended up swinging from a rope.

Explorers in Florida say they’ve discovered a colonial-era shipwreck with over $500 million worth of gold coins on board.

Experts say it’s the richest wreck in the world, other than Britney Spears.

Some guy is auctioning off the suit O.J. Simpson wore when he was acquitted of murder.

The guy’s asking $25,000 for the suit. If you can’t afford that, then for $10,000 O.J. will come over and kill somebody in one of your suits.

Some guy is auctioning off the suit O.J. Simpson wore when he was acquitted of murder.

The guy was originally asking $25,000 for it but now it’s been bid up to $50,000 by Phil Spector.

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There are rumors now that Dick Cheney used to visit prostitutes.

The prostitutes he visited say he has sex like he hunts: he has a hair trigger.

We’re learning more about the presidential candidates. This week John Edwards reported that he and his wife have almost $30 million in assets.

Most of that is tied up in hedge funds and hair product.

Joey Buttafuoco and Amy Fisher went on their first date last night in 15 years.

Apparently the date went well; Amy is considering shooting his current wife.

An 8-year-old girl in Illinois recently went into a McDonald’s and found a bag of marijuana in her Happy Meal.

McDonald’s says it was a simple misunderstanding – she got the Adult Happy Meal by mistake.

An 8-year-old girl in Illinois recently went into a McDonald’s and found a bag of marijuana in her Happy Meal.

The good news is it also came with an official Shrek bong.

ABC announced this week that they’re making a sitcom starring the Geico caveman.

Here’s the premise: it’s about this caveman living in the modern world. He has a house, a family and he’s the governor of California.

Britney Spears was recently seen at a club partying in her underpants.

The bad news is she’s partying again. The good news is she’s wearing underpants again.

Paris Hilton’s jail sentence has been reduced from 45 days to 23 days.

Apparently she was given time off for hot behavior.

There’s a new study out that finds that herpes helps to protect against the bubonic plague.

So, finally, some good news for Paris Hilton.

A group of environmental activists in Turkey are building a replica of Noah’s Ark.

It’s going to be a modern version of Noah’s Ark. It’ll have enough room to hold two of every animal, as well as four restaurants and a wave pool.

The world’s largest wheel of cheese, weighing 1,323 pounds, was at Grand Central Station yesterday.

Right now it’s on a world tour. After that it will be put on the world’s biggest cheeseburger for Rosie O’Donnell’s lunch.

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Last night on FOX they had a debate among the Republican presidential candidates.

Here was the format of the debate: each of the 10 candidates was asked a question, then had 30 seconds to respond and then had 20 seconds of abuse from Simon Cowell.

Last night on FOX they had a debate among the Republican presidential candidates.

Tonight they’ll have the results show and announce who the public voted out of the race.

Former President Bill Clinton announced earlier today that he’s leading a program to cut carbon emissions in sixteen major cities around the world.

It’s a big initiative. I believe he hasn’t thrown himself into something this big since… Monica.

Yesterday President Bush named Lt. General Douglas Lute to oversee U.S. troops fighting in the Middle East.

That means he’ll be in charge of the fighting in Afghanistan, Iraq and Iran.

Bob Barker is retiring after 35 years as host of The Price is Right next month.

He says he’s looking forward to spending less time on his tan.

There are new pictures on the Internet of Paris Hilton smoking a joint.

I’ll say this for her: she certainly has the hardest working lips in show business.

Lindsay Lohan has been named the hottest woman in the world by Maxim magazine.

She wouldn’t have been my choice. I’d rate her above Paris Hilton, but below that crazy astronaut.

Celebrity birthdays: Janet Jackson turns 41 today.

She celebrated with her brothers and sisters – and whatever Michael is.

Celebrity birthdays: Liberace was born on this day in 1919.

For those of you too young to know who Liberace was, he was kind of like Elton John but less flamboyant.

Michael Moore has challenged Republican Fred Thompson to a debate.

Apparently these guys really don’t get along because he’s also challenged him to a hot dog eating contest.

XM Radio has suspended Opie & Anthony for 30 days for making crude comments about Condoleezza Rice.

And then earlier today Opie was grounded by Aunt Bea.

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Earlier tonight there was another debate among the Republican presidential candidates.

I watched the debate because, you never know; in another 18 months one of those guys just may be making a concession speech to Hillary.

Here in New York City there’s a four day conference on global warming going on this week.

I don’t want to say that four days talking about global warming isn’t exciting but earlier today even Al Gore said he was bored.

Deputy Attorney General Paul McNulty, the number two guy in the Justice Department, resigned yesterday.

Technically he didn’t resign; Alberto Gonzalez told him to fire himself.

The official Al Qaeda job application was recently made public.

Experts say it’s real because at the top of the form there’s a line for the applicant’s cab number.

The official Al Qaeda job application was recently made public.

In an interesting application; at the top of the application they ask for your name, date of birth and the top five songs on your iPod.

Congratulations to Donald Trump who became a grandfather over the weekend.

In response earlier today Trump announced he was building the first Trump Day Care and Casino.

Paris Hilton’s lawyer says that Paris is emotionally distraught and traumatized about going to jail.

Here’s how distraught and traumatized she is: she’s started wearing underpants again

Earlier today Sylvester Stallone pleaded guilty to importing human growth hormones into Australia.

As part of his plea he apologized for importing the hormones into the country and for making “Rocky Balboa.”

NBC announced next year’s schedule this week and The Apprentice isn’t on it.

Now that Donald Trump is off the air that means I will once again have the worst hairpiece on TV.

A cruise ship in Alaska ran aground yesterday.

The Coast Guard evacuated all the passengers and put them up in a shelter with beds, medical care and 8 square meals a day.

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MONDAY: Yesterday I treated mom to brunch for Mother’s Day.

I told her to get whatever she wanted – and to make sure she brought my credit card back.

MONDAY: Yesterday for Mother’s Day I treated my mom to a day out doing her favorite things.

We started with brunch at the Ritz then we spent the rest of the afternoon at the OTB.

MONDAY: I spent Mother’s Day like a lot of other guys – I took my son to the park to give his mom a break.

Central Park was filled with dads and their kids. Let’s see, there was me, Donald Trump, Rosie O’Donnell…

MONDAY: I got a nice card for my son Harry’s mother.

I went to the drug store and picked one out of the section labeled “For the Woman I Impregnated.”

MONDAY: Earlier today Dick Cheney returned from his week long trip to the Middle East.

President Bush was happy with the trip – Cheney bought him a t-shirt.

MONDAY: British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that he’s stepping down.

Let’s see, now that France and Britain will have new leaders I believe the longest serving leader in the Western world is Dick Cheney.

MONDAY: British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that he’s stepping down.

He said he’s considering becoming a consultant to the private invasion industry.

MONDAY: British Prime Minister Tony Blair announced that he’s stepping down.

Experts say the race to replace him is between Chancellor of the Exchequer Gordon Brown and Rosanne Barr.

MONDAY: The cost of a first class stamp increased to 41 cents today.

People are mad; earlier today Al Sharpton called for the firing of the postmaster general.

FRIDAY: 27 years ago today Mount St. Helen’s erupted.

I believe that was the biggest thing to blow in this country until Monica.

Congratulations to Donald Trump who just became a grandfather.

Trump got the baby a lovely blanket, made from silk with a 300 thread count and – no wait, that’s his hairpiece.

Congratulations to Donald Trump who just became a grandfather.

Donald Trump Jr. had a baby girl and they say she really has her grandfather’s comb over.

The Bush administration says that they’re going to hold talks with Iran about the situation in Iraq.

And if that goes well they say they’ll try to do the same thing with the Democrats.

The Bush administration says that they’re going to hold talks with Iran about the situation in Iraq.

It’s all part of a change in Bush’s policy towards foreign countries – he’s no longer invading them.

Good news: the government says that divorce rates in this country are at the lowest levels in decades.

That’s right; they say the divorce rate is at the lowest level since J Lo started dating.

Experts in Iraq say that between 100,000 and 300,000 barrels of oil a day produce over the last four years are missing.

President Bush has vowed to find the missing oil. Earlier today he called up 20,000 reserve oil executives.

Experts in Iraq say that between 100,000 and 300,000 barrels of oil a day produce over the last four years are missing.

As if Dick Cheney didn’t already have enough stress on his heart.

Astronomers say they’ve found a star in our galaxy that’s over 13 billion years old.

They say it’s the oldest star ever found, other than Joan Rivers.

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It was a beautiful sunny day here in New York City.

It was so sunny today that over at St. Patrick’s the priests were rubbing sun block on the altar boys.

It was a beautiful sunny day here in New York City.

It was so sunny today that they put sun block on the Statue of Liberty.

Dick Cheney is on a weeklong visit to the Middle East.

He’s there to help win support for U.S. policy which should be no problem once he flashes that winning sneer.

Paris Hilton is getting ready for her 45 day jail sentence.

Earlier today she called the jail and requested a cell with a Jacuzzi.

Paris Hilton said thus week that she’s not above the law and that she’s very sorry for what she did.

She said hasn’t been this sorry since she agreed to do The Simple Life.

Celebrity birthdays: Lisa Nowak, the crazy astronaut, turns 44 today.

Her friends threw her a surprise party and she was so surprised she almost jumped out of her diaper.

Celebrity birthdays: Lisa Nowak, the crazy astronaut, turns 44 today.

He friends got her a year subscription to an adult diaper service.

Out in Los Angeles wild fires have been raging.

It’s so hot in LA right that earlier today Britney Spears shaved her head just to cool down.

A guy in California died recently while he was trying to cut off his own head.

So, kids, let this be a lesson: trying to cut off your head can be very dangerous.

Hamas militants have a TV show starring a Mickey-Mouse look-alike that teaches children wage jihad.

President Bush isn’t taking any chances. Earlier today he had Goofey shipped to Gitmo.

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Earlier today Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Baghdad.

It was so secret the only people who knew about his trip beforehand were a few politicians, a few soldiers and a few heart doctors.

Earlier today Vice President Dick Cheney made a surprise visit to Baghdad.

Security was so tight Cheney was providing cover for himself.

It was downright hot today here in New York City.

It was so hot here in New York today that Roger Clemens gave his $28 million back to the Yankees and stayed retired.

It was downright hot today here in New York City.

It was so hot today that Spiderman arrested Al Roker.

Celebrity birthdays: Mike Wallace turns 89 today.

His former “60 Minutes” friends all chipped in and got him a lovely scarf hand made from Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.

Celebrity birthdays: Mike Wallace turns 89 today.

His former “60 Minutes” friends gave him a surprise party – everybody jumped out from behind Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.

Archaeologists in Israel claim they’ve found the burial site of King Herod, who was king when Jesus was born.

They say in order to prove it conclusively they need to do more research or see if Larry King recognizes it.

Economists say housing prices are down this year for the first time since 1968.

Housing sales are so slow that earlier today Donald Trump fired himself.

A woman in South Carolina bit into in a hamburger at a Cracker Barrel and cut her mouth on a piece of metal.

The Cracker Barrel people are pretty clever; they said the burger was just really high in iron.

O.J. Simpson was asked to leave a steakhouse in Louisville last weekend.

Apparently the problem was he was caught trying to bring in his own steak knife.

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It was a beautiful sunny, warm day here in New York City today.

It was so nice today that George Steinbrenner gave $28 million to Al Roker.

Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in prison.

They say in prison she’ll only get two pairs of underpants to wear per week. That’s right, two pairs of underpants and I’m thinking, two pairs of underpants could last her a whole year.

Paris Hilton is appealing her jail sentence.

Earlier today her lawyer filed an appeal with Spiderman.

Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in prison.

The good news is her friend Nicole Richie will be able to visit whenever she wants by just slipping through the bars.

NASA scientists announced this week that they’ve photographed the biggest exploding star ever.

They say they haven’t seen a star explode like that since Alec Baldwin.

I watched the Kentucky Derby last weekend just to see what celebrities show up.

I saw Katie Holmes there talking with one of the jockeys – no, I’m sorry, that was Tom Cruise.

Experts say gas is going to hit $4 per gallon soon.

Today President Bush appeared in front of a Texaco station and declared “Mission Accomplished!”

Experts say gas is going to hit $4 per gallon soon.

It’s all part of President Bush’s “No Oil Company Left Behind” program.

Over in France this week people are rioting because they elected a conservative president.

It looks like the police have everything under control but if things get out of hand the Germans have offered to come in and take control.

Over in France this week people are rioting because they elected a conservative president.

Things are getting ugly; earlier today protestors and riot police were shooting withering glances at each other.

Scientists in the Middle East say that the Dead Sea is in danger.

I hate to be a killjoy but, how much deader can it get?

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MONDAY: Spiderman 3 made $148 million this weekend.

At this rate Spiderman could make more money this summer than Roger Clemens.

MONDAY: Roger Clemens announced yesterday that he’s coming back to the Yankees.

He’s taken the first two months of the season off, just like the rest of the Yankees.

MONDAY: Roger Clemens announced yesterday that he’s coming back to the Yankees.

He’s going to get $19 million for a half season of work. So finally I’m not the most overpaid, under worked guy in New York.

MONDAY: Roger Clemens is going to be 45 in August and he’s going to make $19 million for this season.

So, for once the oldest, most overpriced thing in Yankee Stadium won’t be the hot dogs.

MONDAY: Roger Clemens is going to be 45 in August.

The good news is the only substance he’s in danger of testing positive for is Lipitor.

MONDAY: Street Sense won the Kentucky Derby on Saturday.

His trainer said the keys to success were lots of high protein oats, lots of rest, lots of horse steroids and … no, wait, I’m sorry, those are Barry Bonds’s keys to success.

MONDAY: Everybody was excited about the Kentucky Derby.

Earlier today Barry Bonds tested positive for Mint Julep.

MONDAY: For me the Kentucky Derby is a lot like having sex: it costs me $50 and it’s over in 2 minutes.

MONDAY: Earlier tonight in Washington Queen Elizabeth attended a state dinner at the White House.

President Bush was a very gracious host – he always made sure to offer the Queen the spittoon first.

MONDAY: Earlier tonight in Washington Queen Elizabeth attended a state dinner at the White House.

Dick Cheney kicked it off with a 21-gun salute.

MONDAY: It was on this date in 1824 that Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony was first performed.

It premiered in Vienna, Austria and I believe the warm up act was Joan Rivers.

MONDAY: Yesterday was the 70th anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster.

The last surviving witnesses say they’ve never saw something crash and burn like that until Don Imus.

FRIDAY: Mother’s Day is coming up this Sunday.

My family and I all chipped to get a nice present for my mom: we paid off her bookie.

FRIDAY: Mother’s Day is coming up this Sunday.

I love Mother’s Day because it’s the one day in my family when we all get together with my mom, except for her intervention.

FRIDAY: Every year for Mother’s Day I treat mom to dinner.

Every year she does this same thing: she always insists on tipping the Domino’s guy.

Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her probation.

Earlier today Martha Stewart called to offer her support and tips on making a shiv.

Paris Hilton has been sentenced to 45 days in jail for violating her probation.

The good news is she’s planning on releasing a conjugal visit video.

A letter written by George Washington in 1787 has been found in New Jersey.

Experts are sure of its authentic because it begins “Dear Regis…”

That rat infested Taco Bell here in New York City announced that they won’t reopen.

It’s been tough on the employees. Earlier today I saw a rat holding a sign that said “Will infest for food.”

That rat infested Taco Bell here in New York City announced that they won’t reopen.

It’s been tough on the employees. Earlier today I saw a bunch of rats waiting outside the unemployment office.

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Earlier tonight the Republican presidential candidates held a debate.

Rudolph Giuliani did so poorly that right after the debate he fired his strength and conditioning coach.

Earlier tonight the Republican presidential candidates held a debate.

Did you see it? They spent 20 minutes arguing about who should replace Rosie on The View.

Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has been accused of indecency for kissing the hand of a woman in public.

He’s in trouble with the Islamic fundamentalists and his wife, Hillary Ahmadinejad.

There’s a big sex scandal down in Washington, D.C.; politicians have been hiring prostitutes.

There’s been so much sex going on in Washington that my cable company has moved C-SPAN to the adult tier.

Former CIA Director George Tenet has written a tell-all book.

I’ve read it and it’s not much of a tell-all. The biggest secret he reveals is how he saved 15% on his car insurance by switching to Geico.

Yesterday the Yankees fired their director of performance enhancement.

Director of performance enhancement. Interestingly, that’s the same thing I call my urologist.

Yesterday the Yankees fired their director of performance enhancement.

Apparently his idea of performance enhancement was to inject the players with Red Bull.

Queen Elizabeth was in Virginia today to celebrate the 400th anniversary of the Jamestown colony.

To mark the occasion they had people in authentic costumes, served authentic food and had Joan Rivers perform the same act she did when the colonists arrived.

The government says that millions of chicken that ate tainted feed have made it into or food supply.

The good news is KFC hasn’t served any tainted chicken – or any healthy chicken, either.

Donald Trump now has his line of mail order steaks.

The good thing is he really uses all parts of the cow. The meat is used for the steaks and the hide is used for hairpiece.

Former New Jersey Gov. Jim McGreevey wants to become an Episcopal priest.

That seems odd – I think he’s more Catholic priest material.

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Last night Britney Spears performed live for the first time in three years.

The performance went well – she still has her hair.

Last night Britney Spears performed live for the first time in three years.

They say she did well – there were only a few words she forgot to lip sync.

Yankee manager Joe Torre’s 75-year-old brother Frank underwent a successful kidney transplant yesterday.

The good news is he’s doing well and Joe will soon have lots of time to spend with him.

Yankee manager Joe Torre’s 75-year-old brother Frank underwent a successful kidney transplant yesterday.

His doctor’s say he’s doing well and should be able to make his scheduled start against the Mariners on Saturday.

It was four years ago yesterday that President Bush declared “Mission Accomplished” in Iraq.

Gee, it seems like only yesterday that Iraq was a dangerous war zone.

Yesterday President Bush vetoed a bill that set a timetable for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq.

I believe it’s the first time he’s used his pen to kill something since he signed his last execution order.

Yesterday President Bush vetoed a bill that set a timetable for the withdrawal of US troops from Iraq.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi says she’ll keep fighting for the bill but I’m thinking, good luck with that; President Bush has hanged better leaders then her.

Larry Birkhead has officially returned to the United States from the Bahamas with his daughter Dannielynn.

When he reentered the country he only had on thing to put on his custom declaration form: meal ticket.

This week NASA released new images of Jupiter taken by the New Horizons probe.

I believe they’re the first close up pictures taken of a gassy giant since Michael Moore’s high school yearbook photo.

This week NASA released new images of Jupiter taken by the New Horizons probe.

I believe is the first time a probe has taken such up close pictures of a gassy giant since Michael Moore’s last colonoscopy.

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It was a rainy, chilly day here in New York today.

Despite the weather George Steinbrenner gave Al Roker a vote of confidence.

Former CIA Director George Tenet has written a tell-all book.

President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea George Tenet used be the CIA Director.

There’s a big sex scandal down in Washington, D.C. Apparently a number of politicians were visiting prostitutes.

The good news is for once Congress isn’t screwing the taxpayers.

There’s a big sex scandal down in Washington, D.C. Apparently a number of politicians were visiting prostitutes.

They’re been rounding up prostitutes involved in the scandal. It’s all part of President Bush’s No Hooker Left Behind program.

Earlier today President Bush vetoed a bill that would set a timetable for withdrawal from Iraq because he said that would be premature.

That’s understandable because if there’s one thing President Bush doesn’t like to do it’s rush into something without thinking it through first.

There are rumors now that Yankees manager Joe Torre may get fired.

He’s trying hard to keep his job. Earlier today he apologized to Al Sharpton.

It was 80 years ago today that an airline first served a cooked meal on a flight.

That’s amazing – airlines used to serve meals?

It was 77 years ago today Pluto that was officially named.

I read that on Pluto’s MySpace page.

Bad news: a new report says the air pollution in New York City is way up.

Earlier today I saw a sure sign that the air pollution is worse here in New York: I saw a rat wearing a surgical mask.

Bad news: a new report says the air pollution in New York City is way up.

Mayor Bloomberg is already working on the problem. Earlier today he vowed a 50% reduction in hooker emissions.

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