Chumworth on the News – 2007

Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show

From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

April 30, 2007.

Web Posted at: 10:22 am UTC

MONDAY: Welcome to the Late Show.

During those applause four more teams just passed on Brady Quinn.

MONDAY: Brady Quinn was supposed to be one of the first players drafted in the NFL but he slipped all the way down to the 22nd pick.

Experts say they haven’t seen someone get passed over like that since I didn’t get the Tonight Show.

MONDAY: Brady Quinn was supposed to be one of the first players drafted in the NFL but he slipped all the way down to the 22nd pick.

Experts say they haven’t seen somebody’s stock drop like that since Alec Baldwin.

MONDAY: They say dropping so far down in the draft cost Brady Quinn $20 million.

Out of habit earlier today Al Sharpton took credit.

MONDAY: They say dropping so far down in the draft cost Brady Quinn $20 million.

More bad news; earlier today CBS fired him from his morning radio show.

MONDAY: The Yankees lost 2 of 3 to the Red Sox over the weekend and now they’re in last place.

People are angry. Earlier today Alec Baldwin left an abusive phone message for Joe Torre.

MONDAY: The Yankees lost 2 of 3 to the Red Sox over the weekend and now they’re in last place.

People are angry. Earlier today Al Sharpton called for the firing of Joe Torre.

MONDAY: Rosie O’Donnell has left The View.

I was glad to see this weekend they she already has another TV job – she was co-hosting ESPN’s draft coverage.

FRIDAY: Spiderman 3 opened today.

In this movie you can tell Spiderman is getting a little older. The only time his Spidey-sense tingles is after he takes some Viagra.

FRIDAY: Spiderman 3 opened today.

In this movie Spiderman has his toughest challenge ever – he’s called in to save the Yankees season.

FRIDAY: Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo.

Everybody has Cinco de Mayo fever. Earlier today Angelina Jolie adopted a Mexican kid.

FRIDAY: Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo.

Everybody has Cinco de Mayo fever. Earlier today my cab driver was wearing a sombrero turban.

FRIDAY: Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo.

President Bush loves Cinco de Mayo, but he can never remember what day it falls on.

FRIDAY: Tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo.

Here in New York City there are lots of Cinco de Mayo activities. Down at Taco Bell this weekend they’re letting kids ride the rats.

A guy in the Netherlands has built a scale replica of Noah’s Ark.

He says it’s an exact scale replica of the original Ark, right down to the details in Regis’s cabin.

A guy in the Netherlands has built a scale replica of Noah’s Ark.

In order to be accurate he used the exact measurements given by the Bible and Joan Rivers.

Taco Bell has stopped using trans fat in their food.

You can tell the food is healthier at Taco Bell because all the rats are skinnier.

Bad news: a new report says the air pollution in New York City is way up.

Here now are the biggest causes of noxious emissions in New York City: heating fuel, cars, and Rush Limbaugh.

Out in California the Phil Spector murder trial is underway.

They say he’s a creepy, reclusive loner who likes to wear strange wigs. It’s like I have a twin.

Out in California the Phil Spector murder trial is underway.

He’s pleading not guilty by reason of insane hair.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 26, 2007.

Web Posted at: 10:26 am UTC

Regis returned to his TV show this morning after undergoing heart bypass surgery.

The good news is Regis is doing great and we now have proof that Regis has a heart.

I was a guest on Regis’s first show back since his heart surgery this morning.

Just to be safe there were doctors and an ambulance and defibrillators on hand – and those were just for me.

I was a guest on Regis’s first show back since his heart surgery this morning.

It’s always fun when Regis and I get together watching my body guards pat down his body guards.

Rosie O’Donnell announced yesterday that she’s leaving The View.

So, once again I’ll be the biggest bitch on television.

Rosie O’Donnell announced yesterday that she’s leaving The View.

So Rosie’s leaving and Regis is back. I think that’s still a net loss of testosterone.

Mayor Bloomberg wants to plant 1 million trees in Manhattan.

Earlier today Donald Trump was awarded the logging contract.

Today is Take Your Kids to Work Day.

I brought my son Harry to work today. I even let him fire a few people.

Celebrity birthdays: Donald Trump’s wife Melanie turns 37 today.

Donald threw her a surprise party; what he did was, he invited all of her family and friends over and had everybody hide in his hair.

Today is the 21st anniversary of the Chernobyl nuclear disaster.

I believe that was the biggest meltdown in history, other than Alec Baldwin’s.

There’s a new no-frills airline that’s going to charge $10 for all flights.

I believe it’s called Air Greyhound.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 25, 2007.

Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC

I’m going to be Regis’s first guest when he returns to his TV show tomorrow.

The last time I went on his show it was a little uncomfortable because we both showed up wearing the same hairpiece.

It’s chilly and rainy again here in New York City.

This weather is crazy; one day it’s cold, then it’s hot, then cold again. I tell you it’s like living with a menopausal Rosie O’Donnell.

Yesterday Dick Cheney spoke to reporters to criticize Harry Reid’s position on the Iraq war.

You could tell he was agitated the way he kept pumping his shotgun.

Yesterday Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Dick Cheney.

Cheney should have no problem defending himself; all he has to is flash that winning sneer.

Yesterday Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Dick Cheney.

Earlier today Cheney vowed to fight the charges and to never be taken alive.

Yesterday Dennis Kucinich introduced articles of impeachment against Dick Cheney.

The good news for Cheney is that by the time it comes to trial he’ll be long dead.

Astronomers announced this week that they’ve discovered an Earth-like planet orbiting a dwarf star outside of the Solar System.

They say it’s the first body they’ve ever found capable of producing life orbiting a dwarf star other than Katie Holmes.

Economists say home sales in March had their biggest decline in almost twenty years.

I can tell the housing market here in New York is down; for months they’ve had a For Sale sign in front of Grant’s Tomb.

There’s a new no-frills airline that’s going to charge $10 for all flights.

That’s great because if there’s one complaint I have about flying, it’s too many frills.

There’s a new no-frills airline that’s going to charge $10 for all flights.

Here’s how no-frills it’s going to be: even the pilots will have to buy their own drinks.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 24, 2007.

Web Posted at: 10:45 am UTC

Alberto Gonzalez says he has no plans to resign.

He said he has no plans to resign, but he hasn’t ruled out firing himself.

It was hot again today here in New York City.

It was so hot today that Alec Baldwin left an angry phone message for Al Roker.

The weather has changed so quickly here in New York City; last week it was cold and rainy and this week it’s hot and sunny.

The weather changed so fast that I haven’t had time to swap out my winter hairpieces for my summer ones.

Yesterday the House and Senate agreed on a bill to start a pulling out of Iraq in October.

President Bush refuses to pull out. Interestingly, former president Bill Clinton was always pulling out.

Former Russian President Boris Yeltsin died this week at the age of 76.

President Bush said he was a big admirer of Boris, particularly in “Rocky & Bullwinkle.”

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he wants to hold direct talks with President Bush.

He says he wants to discuss Iran’s nuclear program, the situation in Iraq and why Sanjaya lasted so long on American Idol.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad says he wants to hold direct talks with President Bush.

He says he wants to discuss Iran’s nuclear program. President Bush said no thanks but he said he might be interested if he wants to talk about Iran’s nuculer program.

The wife of former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey has a new book out in which she says she didn’t know he was gay until he resigned from office.

Although, she does say she started to become suspicious when he started giving queer makeovers.

Sheryl Crow wants to reduce global warming by restricting the amount of toilet paper people can use.

Let’s see, so we could either have more global warming or less toilet paper; I’m going to have to go with more global warming.

Celebrity birthdays: Shirley MacLaine turns 73 today.

She was born in this date in 1934 … and 1875 … and 1754 …

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 23, 2007.

Web Posted at: 10:33 am UTC

MONDAY: It was warm today here in New York City.

It was so warm today that my cab driver was wearing a mesh turban.

MONDAY: It was warm today here in New York City.

It was so warm today that the Statue of Liberty was wearing a mini-skirt.

MONDAY: Today was a beautiful day here in New York City.

It was so nice today that Alec Baldwin berated his daughter in the park.

MONDAY: Today was a beautiful day here in New York City.

It was so nice today Don Imus was glad he didn’t have a job to go to.

MONDAY: Today was a beautiful day here in New York City.

It was so nice today that I was finally able to wear my lightweight hairpiece.

MONDAY: Today was a beautiful day here in New York City.

It was so nice today that over at St. Patrick’s the priests were dipping their feet in an inflatable baptismal fount.

MONDAY: Yesterday was Earth Day.

Everybody here in New York still has Earth Day fever. Earlier today my cab drover was wearing a biodegradable turban.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Michael Moore turns 53 today.

His friends threw him a big party and had a cake jump out of a cake.

MONDAY: That Sanjaya guy, who was voted off of American Idol last week, went to the big White House Correspondents Dinner in Washington this weekend.

I believe he’s the first person to get into the White House after losing an election since George W. Bush.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Jay Leno turns 57 today.

I just turned 60, so that’s one number that I have that’s higher than his.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein would have turned 70 today.

Whatever happened to that guy?

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former Iraqi president Saddam Hussein would have turned 70 today.

He celebrated with a few close friends in hell.

FRIDAY: The NFL draft is coming up this weekend here in New York.

Jets fans always turn out in big numbers for the draft; it’s their chance to see the future players they’ll be booing.

FRIDAY: The NFL draft is coming up this weekend here in New York.

Everybody has draft fever; earlier today they held a mock draft on The View.

Hillary Clinton says that if she’s elected president she’ll make Bill a roaming ambassador to the world.

Bill’s so excited about it that he’s already interviewing chubby interns.

Hillary Clinton says that if she’s elected president she’ll make Bill a roaming ambassador to the world.

That’d be a perfect job for Bill – he already has a roaming eye.

Hillary Clinton says that if she’s elected president she’ll make Bill a roaming ambassador to the world.

I’m not sure if he’d like that; he usually prefers working at a desk.

Mayor Bloomberg wants to start charging drivers $8 to come into Manhattan.

I’m not too happy about that because it would double my cost of having sex.

Mayor Bloomberg wants to plant 1 million new trees in New York City.

They say it’ll cost $37 million to plant all those trees – and that doesn’t include the cost of installing Lojack in each one.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 19, 2007.

Web Posted at: 10:17 am UTC

Here in New York City we had record rainfall this week.

On the bright side the rats have never been cleaner.

Here in New York City we had record rainfall this week.

It’s been so wet here in New York City that over at Taco Bell they’re using the heat lamps to dry out the rats.

Regis Philbin says he’s coming back to TV next week.

He’ll be taking it easy at first; his first day back he’s only scheduled to host Live with Regis and Kelly Lee and 10 other shows.

Regis Philbin is returning to his show next week.

He says he’s anxious to get back to hosting his show because he can’t stand sitting at home watching it anymore.

Earlier today down in Washington President Bush met with top Democrats to discuss withdrawing our troops from Iraq.

It didn’t go too well; they couldn’t even agree to disagree.

Earlier today down in Washington President Bush met with top Democrats to discuss withdrawing our troops from Iraq.

The bad new is they couldn’t agree on Iraq, but the good news is they did agree that Lost isn’t good anymore.

Earlier today down in Washington President Bush met with top Democrats to discuss withdrawing our troops from Iraq.

Here’s the deal: the Democrats have made their demands so now President Bush will ask Dick Cheney if it’s OK.

Prom season is underway again.

Proms are very different now than they were when I was in school. Like, for instance, when I went to the prom your date couldn’t be a teacher.

Scientists have discovered a fossilized tree in upstate New York that’s 380 million years old.

I believe it’s the oldest piece of deadwood in New York, other than Don Imus.

The White House recently said they lost 5 million emails.

The good news is they were all for artificial male enhancers.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 18, 2007.

Web Posted at: 9:35 pm UTC

Celebrity birthdays: Yankee Stadium turns 84 today.

Yankee Stadium has been renovated so much over the years that the only original parts of the stadium are the hot dogs.

Celebrity birthdays: Yankee Stadium turns 84 today.

When Yankee Stadium was built it cost $2.5 million. Today the only thing $2.5 will buy you are a couple of Alex Rodriguez errors.

We found out this week that John Edwards pays $400 for a haircut.

$400? That’s more than I spend on my hairpiece.

We’ve had so much rain and cold weather here lately that I’m starting to wonder whether Al Gore is right about global warming.

Frankly, I’m also starting to wonder whether he actually invented the Internet.

Regis Philbin says that he’s coming back to TV next week.

Regis, if you’re watching, I think I speak for all of us when I say “What’s the rush?”

This week Larry King is celebrating his 50th anniversary on TV.

So, let’s see, that makes one year for each of his wives.

This week Larry King is celebrating his 50th anniversary on TV.

That’s a big deal at other networks but here at CBS “60 Minutes” has interns older than Larry.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 17, 2007.

Web Posted at: 10:52 am UTC

This week Larry King is celebrating his 50th anniversary on TV.

Here’s how long he’s been around: his first job in TV was working as an intern for Regis.

This week Larry King is celebrating his 50th anniversary on TV.

Well, that makes one.

Down in Washington today Alberto Gonzalez testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee.

The good news is he doesn’t have to worry about being prosecuted since he fired all of the prosecutors.

Down in Washington today Alberto Gonzalez testified before the Senate Judiciary Committee.

He’s got a team of lawyers to advise him and I think we know who’ll pay the price if it doesn’t go well.

Here in New York City we’re still recovering from the record rainfall we had this week.

It was so wet in New York that yesterday Hillary Clinton was wearing a waterproof pants suit.

Here in New York City we’re still recovering from the record rainfall we had this week.

It finally stopped raining but now the problem is the whole city smells like wet rat.

Here in New York City we’re still recovering from the record rainfall we had this week.

Here’s how much rain we had: yesterday I saw a bunch of the Taco Bell rats floating down Broadway in a chalupa.

Here in New York City we’re still recovering from the record rainfall we had this week.

Earlier today they were pumping water out of the basement of Grant’s Tomb.

Celebrity birthdays: Daffy Duck turns 70 today.

I believe the only crazy, old bird we’ve been watching on the screen for longer than Daffy Duck is Joan Rivers.

New York state has declared the Meatpacking District here in Manhattan a historic place.

Back in the day more the Meatpacking District sold more flesh than Times Square.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 16, 2007.

Web Posted at: 9:39 am UTC

MONDAY: It was a stormy day here New York City today.

The weather was so bad that earlier today Al Sharpton was calling for the firing of Al Roker.

MONDAY: It’s been a windy, stormy couple of days here New York City.

Here’s how windy it’s been: over the weekend I lost three hairpieces in the wind.

MONDAY: Here in New York the big storm has caused airlines to cancel 500 flights.

Jet Blue took care of the passengers on their canceled flights; they immediately arranged to get them stranded on other airlines.

MONDAY: It’s tax day and everybody has tax fever.

Earlier today Angelina Jolie adopted another deduction.

MONDAY: It’s tax day and everybody has tax fever.

Earlier today Al Sharpton called for the firing of his accountant.

MONDAY: It’s tax day and everybody has tax fever.

Earlier today Dick Cheney shot his accountant.

MONDAY: Today’s the day that taxes are due.

My accountant told me to get a receipt for everything, so I always make sure to ask for one when I have sex.

MONDAY: CBS officially fired Don Imus last week.

So, I guess that means that now I’m the oldest, crankiest, most overpaid guy at CBS.

MONDAY: CBS officially fired Don Imus last week.

It’s really a sad story. Earlier today I saw him on a corner holding a sign that said “Will offend for food.”

MONDAY: A new book by Pope Benedict came out today called “Jesus of Nazareth”

He’s already busy promoting it; tomorrow he’ll be filling in for Regis.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Pope Benedict turns 80 today.

Aides say he celebrated quietly with a few friends at the Papal Hooters.

MONDAY: Singer Don Ho died this weekend at the age of 76.

I think you’ll understand if I don’t make any Ho jokes.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Adolph Hitler was born on this day in 1889.

You remember Hitler? The most hated man in history – after Don Imus.

President Bush’s tax return was released this week. He made $765,000 last year.

I thought this was odd; he made $400,000 as president and the rest was tips.

President Bush ad Dick Cheney’s tax returns were released this week. Bush made $765,000 last year and Cheney made about $1.6 million.

So Cheney made twice as much as Bush, which makes sense since he does about twice as much work.

President Bush’s tax return says he earned $750,000 last year, based on his salary as president and investment income.

I was shocked to hear that – we’re paying this guy?

Dick Cheney is getting a $50,000 tax refund this year.

Boy, those medical deductions really add up.

Dick Cheney is getting a $50,000 tax refund this year.

Apparently he had a lot of deductions for business expenses, like ammunition.

Katie Couric has a new boyfriend who’s 17 years younger than she is.

Did she even look at my audition?

The hockey playoffs are underway. Does everybody have hockey playoff fever?

Yeah, even Wayne Gretzky doesn’t care.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 11, 2007.

Web Posted at: 7:38 pm UTC

Down in the Bahamas DNA test have proven that Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

Larry says he’s just glad to finally have official proof that he slept with Anna Nicole Smith.

Down in the Bahamas DNA test have proven that Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

Larry says he looking forward to putting this all behind him and getting on with exploiting his child.

Down in the Bahamas DNA test have proven that Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

So, thank god, I’m officially in the clear.

Down in the Bahamas DNA test have proven that Larry Birkhead is the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.

So, that should be the last we hear of that story.

The weather this spring has been crazy. It’s been freezing cold and baseball games have been getting snowed out.

Here’s how bad it is: they’ve decided to rescind Al Gore’s Oscar.

It was on this day in 1905 that Einstein published his Theory of Relativity.

The Theory of Relativity was one of the most important theories in physics. I’m telling you that guy was a real Einstein.

The NFL has suspended Pacman Jones for a year for off-the-field misconduct.

The people I feel the most sorry for are his wife, Mrs. Pacman, and their kids, Asteroids and Donkey Kong.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 10, 2007.

Web Posted at: 10:48 am UTC

TUESDAY: It was four years ago yesterday that Baghdad fell.

President Bush says that he’s learned a lot since then and he will definitely do things differently after Tehran falls.

TUESDAY: It’s been unseasonably cold in New York.

It was so cold today that Don Imus called Al Roker a nappy headed ho.

TUESDAY: Yesterday President Bush went to see how construction of the wall along the U.S.-Mexico border was coming.

That makes sense because if there’s one thing President Bush is against its people illegally invading another country.

FRIDAY: I’ll be doing my taxes online this weekend.

Here is a list of the things that I now only do online: taxes, shopping and having sex.

FRIDAY: Monday is the day taxes are due.

My mom still does her own taxes and, honestly, she tends to fudge them a bit. For example, every year she still claims me as a dependent.

FRIDAY: Everybody’s busy with their last minute tax business.

Earlier today Hillary Clinton was at H&R Block deducting the cost of her pants suits.

FRIDAY: Everybody’s in a tax season mood.

Earlier today Alberto Gonzalez fired his accountant.

FRIDAY: Everybody’s in a tax season mood.

Earlier today Don Imus called his accountant a nappy headed ho.

FRIDAY: Today’s Friday the 13th.

I had a scare this morning. A big, black cat crossed my path on my way to work – but then I realized it was just a rat.

FRIDAY: It was 95 years ago tomorrow that the Titanic sank.

I believe it was the biggest thing to go down until – Monica.

This week here in Manhattan they’re having the annual New York Auto Show.

It’s the only auto show in the world that’s made up entirely of cars stolen from other auto shows.

This week here in Manhattan they’re having the annual New York Auto Show.

Here’s how it works: this week all the cars will on display in the Javits Center and next week they’ll chopped up and sold for parts in New Jersey.

Iran announced this week that they are now capable of producing nuclear fuel at industrial levels.

They claim they can now produce as much dangerous material as Ann Coulter.

A fisherman in Alaska recently caught a rockfish that was estimated to be 100 years old.

Here’s how they figured out its age: they counted the growth rings on a bone from its ear. It’s the same way the figured out the age of Larry King.

A fisherman in Alaska recently caught a rockfish that was estimated to be 100 years old.

The fish will be studied by scientists and then sent directly to Red Lobster.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have officially reached a divorce settlement.

Here’s the deal: she gets the kids during the week and he gets them when she’s in rehab.

Earlier this week a guy completed swimming the entire length of the Amazon River.

He swam for 3,272 miles. I believe he’s the first man to be that far up a creek without a paddle other than Don Imus.

[link | comment]

Be Sociable, Share!

April 9, 2007.

Web Posted at: 10:28 am UTC

MONDAY: Everybody was in the Easter spirit yesterday.

Down in Washington Alberto Gonzalez fired the Easter Bunny.

MONDAY: Everybody here in New York still has the Easter spirit.

This morning my cab driver was wearing a chocolate turban.

MONDAY: Everybody here in New York still has the Easter spirit.

Earlier today Rosie O’Donnell got into a fight with the Easter Bunny.

MONDAY: Down at the White House yesterday they had the annual Easter Egg hunt.

Security was tight; kids were only allowed to look for eggs if they had a subpoena.

MONDAY: Tomorrow’s the last day of Passover.

I observe Passover every year, except for me it comes every year when they announce the host of the Oscars.

MONDAY: It’s been unseasonably cold here New York.

It’s been so cold that earlier today Alberto Gonzalez fired Al Roker.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Hugh Hefner turns 81 today.

His family and friends threw him a surprise party. He had no idea it was coming and right after it was over he had no idea it had happened.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Hugh Hefner turns 81 today.

His girlfriend made him his favorite cake: chocolate with the Viagra icing.

MONDAY: Over at the Javits Center this week their having the annual New York Auto Show.

Here’s a tip for all you tourists who are going to the car show: go early in the week before the cars are all stolen.