From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

Tax season is here.

Everybody’s in tax season mode: earlier today Alberto Gonzalez fired his accountant.

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The Yankees home opener is Monday against Tampa Bay.

Over at Yankee Stadium they’re busy putting a new coat of paint on the hot dogs.

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The Yankees home opener is Monday against Tampa Bay.

I believe Alex Rodriguez will be performing the ceremonial booting of the first grounder.

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Last night President Bush told some jokes at the Radio and Television Correspondents Association dinner in Washington.

It didn’t go too well. People who were there said it was like watching Kramer with a southern accent.

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Michael Jackson is building a 50-foot robotic replica of himself in the desert outside of Las Vegas.

If they’re not careful this is the kind of thing that could give Las Vegas the reputation of being tacky.

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Sylvester Stallone is making a new Rambo movie.

You can tell Rambo’s a little older in this movie because the title is “Rambo: First Bloodclot.”

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The town of Katonah here in New York is trying to keep Martha Stewart from trade marking the name of the town for a line of home goods.

I have a feeling if they block this there are going to be a lot of slashed tires in Katonah.

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The town of Katonah here in New York is trying to keep Martha Stewart from trade marking the name of the town for a line of home goods.

Here’s a word of warning to you people in Katonah: just let Martha have what she wants and nobody will get hurt.

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Burger King announced this week that they’re going to start buying free range chicken and pork.

No word yet on whether they’re also going to start buying free range horse meat.

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Burger King announced this week that they’re going to start buying free range chicken and pork.

In response earlier today Taco Bell said big deal, at their stores the rats have been allowed to run free for years.

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Here in New York City they’ve started installing outdoor recycling bins.

Here’s the deal: the green ones are for newspapers and magazine. The blue ones are for bottles and cans. The yellow ones are for dead bodies.

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Allergy season is officially here.

This morning on my way to work I had an allergy attack but I forgot my handkerchief so I had to blow my nose into my hairpiece.

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Michael Jackson is building a 50-foot robotic replica of himself in the desert outside of Las Vegas.

People will be able to go inside of it when it’s all done. So, for once, kids will be able to be inside of Michael.

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Michael Jackson is building a 50-foot robotic replica of himself in the desert outside of Las Vegas.

Once it’s done you’ll be able to go inside of it or have it dangle your young children over a balcony.

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Michael Jackson is building a 50-foot robotic replica of himself in the desert outside of Las Vegas.

It’s going to be pretty realistic; they’re even going to coat it with a special paint that fades from black to white each day.

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Michael Jackson is building a 50-foot robotic replica of himself in the desert outside of Las Vegas.

It’s going to be pretty realistic; they say it’ll talk, move and be as creepy as the real Michael.

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It was 28 years ago today that the Three Mile Island nuclear reactor melted down.

I believe it was the biggest melt down this country had seen until Star Jones joined The View.

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A kid in Colorado recently found a dead mouse in a bag of potato chips.

The company said it was a terrible mistake – apparently they forgot to put air holes in the bag.

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A woman in Maryland who was choking on an apple was saved when her dogged performed the Heimlich maneuver on her.

She said it was really surprising because the dog barely finished medical school.

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Last night Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston kissed on the show “Dirt.”

The bad news for Jen is next week on the show Courteney Cox is going to kiss Angelina Jolie.

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Scientists in Australia recently captured a huge, poisonous toad.

To put in perspective they say the toad is as big as a small dog, but smaller than a New York City rat.

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It was a beautiful warm day in New York City today.

It was so warm today that Hillary Clinton was wearing a short pants suit.

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Tax season is here and every year I have the same dilemma.

Do I deduct my hairpiece as a business or medical expense?

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Allergy season is here.

I have bad allergies but what I’m most allegeric to is cat hair, so that’s why I always make sure to buy synthetic hairpieces.

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McDonald’s has introduced a 1/3 pound hamburger.

If you want one here’s how you order it: go into McDonald’s, order a hamburger and tell them you want to supersize your ass.

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There’s a guy in Washington who was caught with 93 pounds of women’s underwear in his house.

So it’s good to hear that Regis is up and about again.

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Protestants and Catholics in Northern Ireland have reached an agreement to stop fighting and form a coalition government.

President Bush said this gives him hope that someday peace can also be achieved on The View.

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Britney Spears had to go in for emergency dental work the other day because of molar pain.

Sources say she hasn’t been that desperate to get rid of a pain since she dumped Kevin Federline.

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Britney Spears had to go in for emergency dental work the other day.

So the good news is she finally got her head examined.

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Last week Pete Rose admitted that he bet on the Reds every night when he was their manager.

Baseball’s already banned him for life but based on this news they say they’re now considering banning him for the afterlife.

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Last week Pete Rose admitted that he bet on the Reds every night when he was their manager.

I hate to be a downer but this is the kind of thing that could really hurt his chances to get into the Hall of Fame.

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MONDAY: My NCAA picks aren’t doing well.

The bad news is I’m in last place in the Late Show NCAA pool. The good news is I have a feeling that I’m still going to win.

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MONDAY: Elton John celebrated his 60th birthday with a concert at Madison Square Garden last night.

It was a good show; he played 30 classic hits and then beat the Knicks 105-100.

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MONDAY: Elton John played Madison Square Garden for the 60th time last night.

That’s a record. I believe he’s shown up at the Garden more times than the Knicks.

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FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former Vice President Al Gore turns 59 tomorrow.

He’s really had quite a remarkable life already: two terms as vice president, Academy Award winner and he was even once elected president.

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FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former Vice President Al Gore turns 59 tomorrow.

You can tell he’s getting a little older. The name of his next movie is “An Inconvenient Bladder.”

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FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Warren Beatty turned 70 today.

He had a modest party that was only attended by a few friends and family. As a matter of fact I believe it was the same crowd that saw Ishtar.

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FRIDAY: It was on this date in 1867 that the United States purchased Alaska for $7.2 million.

I believe that’s the most this country has ever paid to acquire a piece of land, other than Iraq.

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Regis Philbin is recovering well from open heart surgery.

The good news is his doctors say he’s got the body of a much younger man. The bad news is I’m that younger man.

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I’ve tried to do the same things for Regis that he did for me when I was recovering from open heart surgery.

I sent him flowers, I visited him in the hospital and I even tried to get his job hosting his show.

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Kelly Ripa says it’s just not the same around the office without Regis.

For one thing no one’s hitting on the female interns.

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The president of Iran said this week that they’re no longer going to cooperate with UN nuclear inspectors because of recent UN sanctions.

I believe this is the first time a leader has thumbed his nose at the world community since President Bush.

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The president of Iran said this week that they’re no longer going to cooperate with UN nuclear inspectors because of recent UN sanctions.

Actually, technically he said first they would start cooperating so that they can then stop cooperating.

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Britney Spears successfully completed rehab last week.

She left quietly; she just hopped in her car and her kid drove her home.

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Britney Spears successfully completed rehab last week.

Before she left she lip synced the staff a big Thank You.

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Congratulations to Rachel Smith who was crowned the new Miss USA this weekend.

Donald Trump owns the Miss USA pageant and here’s how it works. Miss USA is chosen from 50 contestants by a panel of judges on live TV. It’s the same way he picks his hairpieces.

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The new Miss USA is a former intern for Oprah.

I actually knew her; whenever I called Oprah she was always the one who answered the phone and told me Oprah was in a meeting.

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The descendants of Harry Houdini want to have his body exhumed so they see if he was poisoned in 1926.

Here’s what they’re going to do: they’re going to dig up his body, do some pathological tests and ask Joan Rivers if she saw anything.

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Earlier this week NASCAR unveiled their Car of Tomorrow.

NASCAR says it’s a much safer car, but just to be sure they’re going to let Billy Joel take it for a spin.

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Saddam Hussein’s former vice president was hanged earlier today in Iraq.

That’s right, Saddam’s former vice president. I believe his name was Taha Yassin Cheney.

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Naomi Campbell is doing five days of community service here in New York City for throwing a cell phone at her maid.

Every day this week she’ll be performing community service by throwing a cell phone at the cast of The View.

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British Airways recently put the body of a dead woman in first class.

It’s not unusual for airlines to put dead bodies in first class. It happens every time Joan Rivers travels.

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The Post Office said this week that they’re raising the price of a stamp to 41-cents in May.

People aren’t very happy about it. Earlier today Naomi Campbell threw a cell phone at her mailman.

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The world’s largest passenger plane, the Airbus 380, landed in New York City yesterday for the first time.

The plane is on a big promotional tour. Earlier today it was a guest host on The View.

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The world’s largest passenger plane, the Airbus 380, landed in New York City yesterday for the first time.

I believe it’s the biggest thing to land in New York since Rosie O’Donnell joined The View.

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The world’s largest passenger plane, the Airbus 380, landed in New York City yesterday for the first time.

It’s a pretty impressive plane. It can hold up to 800 passengers and over 15 bitchy flight attendants.

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Hooters announced this week that they’re going to open their first restaurant in Israel.

I can’t see any reason why that would be a bad idea.

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Hooters announced this week that they’re going to open their first restaurant in Israel.

Not everybody is happy about it. Earlier today Hamas declared a holy war against hot wings.

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Hooters announced this week that they’re going to open their first restaurant in Israel.

They’re offering a grand opening special: suicide bombers eat free before any bombing.

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MONDAY: This weekend was St. Patrick’s Day, but not everybody was excited about it.

On Saturday Ann Coulter called a Leprechaun a fag.

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MONDAY: This weekend was St. Patrick’s Day.

Today I saw a sure sign that it was just St. Patrick’s Day. On my way to work this morning on the sidewalk I saw the chalk outline of a Leprechaun.

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MONDAY: March Madness hasn’t been going well for me.

The bad news is I’m already hopelessly out of the running in my NCAA pool. The good news is I’m way ahead in my Women’s NIT pool.

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MONDAY: My mom and her friends love March Madness.

She spent the whole weekend watching all the first round games with a bunch of her friends at Hooters.

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MONDAY: We had a big snowstorm over the weekend and hundreds of flights were cancelled.

The good news was no JetBlue flights were cancelled; none of their planes actually took off, but none of the flights were cancelled.

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MONDAY: It was on this day in 1915 that Pluto was first photographed.

Back in 1915 it was hard to get a picture of Pluto. These days you can just get one from Pluto’s MySpace page.

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MONDAY: Yesterday at Madison Square Garden a big brawl broke out during a high school basketball game.

There were shots fired and 21 people were arrested. On the bright side it was nice to see somebody at the Garden who can shoot.

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MONDAY: Earlier today the world’s largest passenger plane, the Airbus 380, landed in New York for the first time.

Here’s how big it is: depending on the seat configuration, JetBlue could strand up to 500 passengers on it.

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WEDNESDAY: Today is the first day of spring.

Today I saw a sure sign that spring is here – I saw a bunch chicks hatching in Donald Trump’s hair.

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WEDNESDAY: Today is the first day of spring.

This weekend I’ll be doing what I do at the beginning of every spring: I put away my winter hairpieces and take out my spring ones.

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WEDNESDAY: Today is the first day of spring.

Everybody’s got spring fever; earlier today Angelina Jolie adopted Al Roker.

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WEDNESDAY: Celebrity birthdays: William Shatner turns 76 tomorrow.

Here’s how old he’s getting: he’s glad if he can boldly go once a day.

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The U.S. government said this week that they’re going to grant a visa to the president of Iran so he can address the U.N.

President Bush says he’s totally against giving the president of Iran any credit cards.

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Here in New York City there’s a restaurant that’s charging $1,000 for a pizza.

It’s actually a pretty good deal because it comes with a free serving of cheesy bread.

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Here in New York City there’s a restaurant that’s charging $1,000 for a pizza.

Here’s how expensive it is: when you order one the delivery guy is Donald Trump.

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Larry King had minor surgery last week.

The good news is he’s doing well and will return to TV soon. The bad news is he’s doing well and will return to TV soon.

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Oprah Winfrey has opened her second school in South Africa.

The school is pretty strict. During the week the students can’t have junk food, parental visits or sex with their teachers.

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Oprah Winfrey has opened her second school in South Africa.

I can tell you from personal experience that Oprah is the right person to run a school. She’s taken me to school several times.

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It was another warm day here in New York City.

It was so warm today the Statue of Liberty was wearing a mini-skirt.

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It was another warm day here in New York City.

It was so warm today that that crazy astronaut was only wearing a diaper.

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It was another warm day here in New York City.

It was so warm today that Sylvester Stallone was caught trying to smuggle sun block into the country.

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President Bush was in Mexico today meeting with President Felipe Calderon.

It was a meeting of one president whose economy is in the tank and who can barely speak English and the President of Mexico.

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President Bush was in Mexico today meeting with President Felipe Calderon.

Here were the big issues they discussed: illegal immigration, drug trafficking, and rats in Taco Bell.

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Regis Philbin is going to have heart bypass surgery this week.

Apparently what happened was his heart failed a stress test: he started having chest pains when doctors told him all of his shows were cancelled.

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Regis Philbin is going to have heart bypass surgery this week and will be off the air for at least five weeks.

So, apparently dreams do come true.

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Regis Philbin is going to have heart bypass surgery this week.

Way to steal my act, Regis.

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Regis Philbin is going to have heart bypass surgery this week.

That means for the next five weeks there won’t be any shows on TV.

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The U.S. is sending a group of Native Americans to Afghanistan to help track down Osama bin Laden.

They’re going help teach the locals all the skills they need to track a person and run a hotel-casino.

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The U.S. is sending a group of Native Americans to Afghanistan to help track down Osama bin Laden.

They’re hoping they can either find bin Laden or at least get him to lose all of his money on slots.

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MONDAY: President Bush is in Latin America this week on a five nation tour.

Here’s his basic itinerary: he was in Brazil to discuss alternative fuels, Uruguay to discuss free trade and tomorrow he’s going to Mexico to judge a wet t-shirt contest.

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MONDAY: President Bush is in Latin America this week on a five nation tour.

He’s really trying hard to connect with the people of Latin America. Aides say he even insisted on learning a few simple sayings in Latin.

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MONDAY: Daylight Savings Time started early this year.

Here’s the new schedule for Daylight Savings Time: it starts in early March and ends in early November – no, wait, I’m sorry that the schedule for President Bush’s summer vacation.

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MONDAY: The change in Daylight Savings Time has me all screwed up.

I forgot to change my clocks so on Sunday I showed up an hour late for the Early Bird dinner at Red Lobster.

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MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Happy birthday to Osama bin Laden who just turned 50.

The government says they’re pretty sure he’s alive because he just applied for membership in AARP.

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MONDAY: Now that Osama bin Laden has turned 50 sources say he’s going through a mid-life crisis.

He recently went out and bought a sports camel.

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MONDAY: Now that Osama bin Laden has turned 50 sources say he’s going through a mid-life crisis.

He reportedly left five of his wives for five younger women.

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WEDNESDAY: March Madness starts tomorrow.

I’m not a big college basketball fan. I figure if I want to watch guys who aren’t ready for the NBA play I’ll just go see the Knicks.

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WEDNESDAY: Here’s how March Madness works: they start with 65 teams and after a month it’s whittled down to one winner.

It’s the same way Madonna picked a kid to adopt.

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WEDNESDAY: March Madness starts tomorrow.

I love March Madness because it really demonstrates how far you can go with some talent, hard work and an over active pituitary gland.

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WEDNESDAY: Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual March Madness special.

For $50 you get them to demonstrate their ball handling skills.

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WEDNESDAY: St. Patrick’s Day is coming up and everybody in New York has the St. Patrick’s Day spirit.

Over at the Hello Deli Rupert Jee is having his annual St. Patrick’s Day special: half price for the green meat loaf.

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WEDNESDAY: St. Patrick’s Day is coming up and everybody in New York has the St. Patrick’s Day spirit.

Earlier today Madonna adopted a leprechaun.

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WEDNESDAY: Today I saw a sure sign that St. Patrick’s Day is coming up.

I saw a Leprechaun with a pot of gold waiting to get into Flashdancers.

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Doctor’s recently found a blood clot in Dick Cheney’s leg.

The good news is they say with proper medication he should easily live until his next heart attack.

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Michael Jackson is in Japan charging people $3,500 to spend one minute with him.

If you can’t afford that then for $50 you can get one minute with one of his former noses.

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Last week NASA fired that crazy astronaut.

She’s already having a tough time financially. Friends say she’s had to switch to generic adult diapers.

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There are rumors now that Nicole Richie is engaged.

Apparently she’s been seen wearing a big engagement ring around her waist.

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Newt Gingrich says that he had an extramarital affair when he was Speaker of the House.

That’s not surprising because when you hear the name Newt you think “Ladies Man.”

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Snoop Dogg and P. Diddy have stopped fighting and say they’re going to tour together,

Apparently Snoop said it was time to bury the hizzle.

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Last night on this show John McCain announced he was running for president.

Actually, last night wasn’t the official announcement; he’ll make the official announcement next month on The Tonight Show.

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Director James Cameron says that he’s found the tomb of Jesus.

This is already having huge implications. Earlier today the Pope cancelled Easter.

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A judge has ruled that Anna Nicole Smith can finally be buried.

So, that should be the last we hear about her.

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Paris Hilton was pulled over by the police earlier this week for speeding.

The officer who pulled her over said she was incoherent and couldn’t recite the alphabet. So, the good news is she wasn’t drunk.

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Paris Hilton was got a ticket earlier this week for speeding and driving with a suspended license.

I’m telling you if this girl doesn’t watch it she could ruin her whole future.

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Music industry sources say that the sales of rap music are way down.

Here’s how bad it is for rap artists: they say that if sales don’t pick up soon Snoop Dogg could be kicked out of his hizzle.

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Music industry sources say that the sales of rap music are way down.

Here’s how bad it is for rap artists: earlier today I saw P Diddy on the corner holding a sign that read “Will shoot for food.”

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Walker Edmiston, the voice of Ernie the Keebler Elf, died this week at the age of 81.

Now that he’s dead I believe America’s most famous living elf is Tom Cruise.

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The stock market had a big rebound yesterday after dropping more than 400 points on Tuesday.

At least somebody in New York can rebound.

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