Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
February 28, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:51 am UTC
80 year old Hugh Hefner is getting married to his 27 year old girlfriend.
They’re planning a spring wedding and a fall funeral.
80 year old Hugh Hefner is getting married to his 27 year old girlfriend.
Hef is so old they’re skipping the prenup and going right to negotiating the will.
80 year old Hugh Hefner is getting married to his 27 year old girlfriend.
If you want to get them a gift they’re registered at Bed, Bath, and Burial.
Earlier this week in Afghanistan Dick Cheney narrowly avoided an assassination attempt.
Earlier today he had another close call – he got too close to the microwave.
Yesterday the stock market had its biggest one day drop in five years.
It was so bad Al Gore’s next movie is going to be called “An Inconvenient 401k.”
A Taco Bell here in Manhattan is infested with rats.
Taco Bell has vowed to get rid of the rats, so everything on the menu is now half price.
A Taco Bell here in Manhattan is infested with rats.
Taco Bell says they have a plan to poison the rats: they’re going to put out plates of chalupas.
Helen Mirren said yesterday that she didn’t wear any underwear to the Oscars.
In a related story Christain Lacroix told her she could keep the Oscar dress he made for her.
Al Gore ran up a $30,000 utility bill for his house in Tennessee last year.
Al’s promised to do all he can to find a more efficient way to be boring.
Celebrity birthdays: The Republican Party turns 153 today.
That’s right, the Republican Party was founded in 1854 which probably explains why they still act like it’s 1854.
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February 27, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:51 am UTC
Over in Afghanistan yesterday a suicide bomber tried to kill Dick Cheney.
The good news is he survived the blast. The bad news is he had a heart attack during dinner.
Over in Afghanistan yesterday the Taliban tried to kill Dick Cheney.
Luckily they missed him but he gunned down three of them.
There’s a Taco Bell here in Manhattan that’s infested with rats.
The Board of Health is pretty mad about it. They said they won’t let them reopen until all of the rats are wearing hairnets.
Congratulations to Jennifer Hudson, the former American Idol contestant, who won the Oscar for Best Supporting Actress.
I just hope American Idol can finally get some publicity now.
Sunday night was the ninth time that Peter O’Toole was nominated but hasn’t won an Oscar.
Thank god he wasn’t alive to see it.
People are still talking about the Oscars.
Some people who were at the Oscars are having trouble wiping the smiles off of their faces; in fact earlier today Joan Rivers had to have hers surgically removed.
Eddie Murphy didn’t win the Best Supporting Actor Oscar on Sunday.
It was a bad night all around for former Saturday Night Live alumns at the Oscars. At the valet parking Joe Piscopo barely made any tips.
Congratulations to Britney Spears who’s been in rehab now for a couple of days.
She’s already passed a big milestone: she’s been in rehab longer than her first marriage lasted.
Archaeologists in Israel are claiming that they’ve found the bones of Jesus Christ.
If that’s true it would be the most significant discovery of a set of bones since Joan Rivers debuted on the Tonight Show.
Biologists are saying now that beavers are living in New York City again for the first time in 200 years.
For those of you in New York who don’t know what beavers look like, they’re bigger than the squirrels but smaller than the rats.
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February 26, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:37 am UTC
MONDAY: The Oscars were pretty boring last night.
You know it’s a boring show when the highlight is an Al Gore speech.
MONDAY: The Oscars were pretty long last night.
Here’s how long they were: that crazy astronaut had enough time to drive to Florida and back and still catch the Best Picture award.
MONDAY: Ellen DeGeneres hosted the Oscars last night.
I couldn’t help but be a little jealous of Ellen. Not only did she get more laughs than I did when I hosted, but she also looks better in a pants suit.
MONDAY: Once again I was included in the tribute to dead celebrities at the Oscars last night.
I was right there between Anna Nicole Smith and Saddam Hussein.
MONDAY: Oscar organizers said last night’s show was completely green.
Apparently the only part of the show that wasn’t biodegradable was Joan Rivers.
MONDAY: Dick Cheney was in Afghanistan and Pakistan earlier today as part of a big overseas trip.
The trip has gone well – so far he hasn’t died.
MONDAY: Dick Cheney was in Afghanistan and Pakistan earlier today as part of a big overseas trip.
He was there visiting with various government officials and heart doctors.
MONDAY: Dick Cheney’s plane had a mechanical problem with his plane in Singapore yesterday.
Apparently they had some problems starting the plane, but they able to jump-start it using one of his defibrillators.
MONDAY: Britney Spears went back into rehab for the third time over the weekend.
Her friends knew she finally went over the edge when she was out in public wearing underwear.
MONDAY: Britney Spears went back into rehab for the third time over the weekend.
You know you’ve hit rock bottom when your kids would be better off with Kevin Federline.
MONDAY: Britney Spears went back into rehab over the weekend.
Here’s how crazy things have gotten: this is the third time in a week that her kid has driven her to rehab.
MONDAY: Here in New York City today we had a snow storm.
The good news is Jet Blue didn’t cancel any flights. The bad news is none of their planes actually took off.
MONDAY: It was a nasty, cold snowy day today here in New York City.
It was so col today that they took back Al Gore’s Oscar.
FRIDAY: There’s going to be a total lunar eclipse tomorrow, when the moon will be completely in the shadow of the earth.
It’s the first time something that big has been in the dark since Star Jones didn’t know she was getting fired from The View.
NASA says they have plans to deal with a crazy astronaut in space.
The plan is to restrain the person with duct tape, bungee cords and tranquilizers – no, I’m sorry, that’s they way The View keeps Rosie O’Donnell under control.
Down at spring training they’re saying now that Alex Rodriguez doesn’t have any friends on the Yankees.
So the good news is I’m no longer the highest paid loner in New York.
There’s a Taco Bell here in New York City that’s been overrun with rats.
Taco Bell said they were shocked – they have no idea how the rats got out of the refrigerator.
There’s a Taco Bell here in New York City that’s been overrun with rats.
Taco Bell is being pretty clever about it. They said it’s not a problem – they’re just free range rats.
There’s a Taco Bell here in New York City that’s been overrun with rats.
Taco Bell is being pretty clever about it. They’re saying the rats are running around the restaurant so the customers can choose the one they want to eat.
There’s a guy in Hong Kong who’s 107 years old who attributes his long life to not having sex for the last 70 years.
That’s right he says not having sex has helped him live to 107 – so that’s good news for me.
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February 19, 2007.
Web Posted at: 9:39 am UTC
MONDAY: Happy President’s Day.
I’m so excited about President’s Day that I’m wearing a powdered wig.
MONDAY: Happy President’s Day.
President’s Day is the day we honor our two most famous presidents, George Washington ad Abraham Lincoln, and completely ignore the other 41 losers.
MONDAY: It was freezing cold here in New York City today.
It was so cold that Hillary Clinton was wearing two pants suits.
MONDAY: Over the weekend Britney Spears shaved her completely bald and got a tattoo.
The bad news is her singing career may be over. The good news is she’s now qualified to be an astronaut.
MONDAY: Over the weekend Britney Spears shaved her
Is it just me or does it seem like Britney is one step away from putting on an adult diaper and driving to Florida?
MONDAY: Over the weekend Britney Spears shaved her completely bald and got a tattoo.
It’s obvious that she’s really lip-syncing for help.
MONDAY: Over the weekend Britney Spears shaved her completely bald and got a tattoo.
Here’s how weird she looks: her kids are too embarrassed to drive her anywhere.
MONDAY: Condoleezza Rice made a surprise visit to Iraq over the weekend.
The military was able to get her on the ground in Baghdad and without anybody knowing. Next weekend they’re going to try and get her on a man.
MONDAY: Today is the first day of the Chinese New Year.
Over in Chinatown last night at midnight they dropped a beautiful half-ton, Waterford crystal dumpling.
MONDAY: Today is the first day of the Chinese New Year.
This year is the year of the pig, so finally some good news for Rosie O’Donnell.
MONDAY: It was on this day in 1878 that Thomas Edison patented the phonograph.
Trivia: the first person Edison recorded was – Regis Philbin.
FRIDAY: The Academy Awards are this Sunday night.
I love the Academy Awards so much I’m in three different fantasy Oscar leagues.
FRIDAY: There are going to be a lot of new faces on the red carpet at the Oscars this year.
I believe Joan Rivers is having her new face installed right now.
FRIDAY: The best part of Oscar night is seeing all the outfits.
I can’t wait to see who designed Ellen’s pants suit.
FRIDAY: Ever since they barred me from hosting the Academy Awards again I do the same thing every Oscar night.
I sit in a dark room with my cats and marking bitchy comments about the host.
The Yankees officially opened spring training this week.
The best part of spring training is trying to figure out which of the Yankees isn’t going to come up big in October.
The Yankees officially opened spring training this week.
Here’s the deal: they’ll spend the next six weeks in the Florida sun then they’ll come back north and spend the next six months in Yankee Stadium – no, I’m sorry, those are the hot dogs.
Rosie O’Donnell is now feuding with Oprah.
You have give Rosie a break, she’s under a lot of pressure. Not only is she a host of The View, but she’s also a longshoreman.
Rosie O’Donnell is now feuding with Oprah.
You can understand why Rosie wouldn’t like Oprah – most guys don’t.
Al Gore announced last week that he’s organizing a concert this summer to fight global warming.
I believe he’s calling it Boring Aid.
Al Gore announced last week that he’s organizing a concert this summer to fight global warming.
He’s calling it the Live Earth concert and he says it’ll be a lot like Live Aid but bigger, longer more boring.
Al Gore announced last week that he’s organizing a 24-hour concert this to fight global warming.
That’s great because nothing says eco-friendly like running generators, lights and sound systems for 24 hours.
President Bush had two moles removed from his forehead last week.
They were on his left temple, not far from his brain, so luckily they weren’t near any vital organs.
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February 15, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:29 am UTC
It was freezing cold and windy today here in New York City.
I haven’t felt a cold breeze go through my body like that since I found out I wasn’t getting the Tonight Show.
We had our first snow storm of the year here in New York City yesterday.
It was so wet and nasty that I was glad I had paid extra for a waterproof hairpiece.
It’s been really cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that I wore my hairpiece with the ear flaps.
Because of the big storm yesterday out at JFK airport some people were stuck on a plane for 10 hours.
People were really angry because it cramped, there was one two toilets and the pilots drank all the booze.
Over at Madison Square Garden today they cleaned up the mess from the Westminster Dog Show.
The crew did such a great job cleaning up that mess that now they’re going to see what they can do about the Knicks.
Over at Madison Square Garden today they cleaned up the mess from the Westminster Dog Show.
So, at least one mess at the Garden has been cleaned up.
Down in Florida spring training officially gets underway this weekend.
Alex Rodriguez is already at Yankees camp practicing his excuses.
Down in Florida spring training officially gets underway this weekend.
You can always tell that spring is just around the corner when you start seeing video of Alex Rodriguez in Florida booting grounders.
George Steinbrenner is with the Yankees at spring training.
I think old George has lost a little off of his fastball. Earlier today he said this is it; if the Yankees don’t win it all this year he’s definitely going to fire Billy Martin.
Congratulations to Howard Stern, who announced yesterday that he’s engaged.
I’m happy for Howard but, maybe it’s just me, but that seems a little soon after that whole Anna Nicole thing.
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February 14, 2007.
Web Posted at: 11:09 am UTC
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Here’s how expensive Valentine’s Day has gotten: this year I spent more on the candy and flowers than I did for my date.
New York City really is the place to be on Valentine’s Day.
New York City is all about love. In fact, it’s one of our top service industries.
Hillary Clinton said that Bill was coming down to Washington, D.C. for a quiet romantic Valentine’s Day dinner.
And she said if she finds out who he’s with she’ll kill him.
Here in New York City we had our first real snowfall last night.
The city did a great job staying on top of things. Crews were out all night sanding down the hookers.
It was cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today that Donald Trump started a war of words with Al Roker.
Congratulations to Diamond Jim, an English springer spaniel, who won Best of Show at the Westminster Dog Show last night.
After he won he got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush’s dog.
Congratulations to Diamond Jim, an English springer spaniel, who won Best of Show at the Westminster Dog Show last night.
Here’s what he’s won: title of Best in Show, a trophy, and he gets to hump Paris Hilton’s teacup Chihuahua.
There’s a new audiotape out of Al Qaeda’s No. 2 guy calling President Bush an alcoholic, a liar and a gambler.
That’s ridiculous – I don’t think President Bush gambles at all.
There’s a new audiotape out of Al Qaeda’s No. 2 guy calling President Bush an alcoholic, a liar and a gambler.
Experts say they can tell it’s a recent tape because he also mentions he’s looking forward to catching The Police reunion tour.
People are announcing earlier and earlier that they’re running for president.
Yesterday former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney announced he was running for president – in 2012.
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February 13, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:55 am UTC
It was freezing cold here in New York City today.
It’s so cold that over at the Westminster Dog Show they had to chisel a German Shepard off of a French Poodle.
Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day and I’ve got big plans.
Things get so busy here in New York on Valentine’s Day that, just to be safe, about a month ago I had my assistant call and reserve my date.
North Korea has agreed to shut down its nuclear weapons program.
Here’s the deal: North Korea has agreed to shut down its nuclear weapons program in exchange for energy assistance, humanitarian aid and a shorter Oscar telecast.
North Korea has agreed to shut down its nuclear weapons program.
President Bush said he was glad to hear that but that he still wants them quit making nuculer weapons.
Here now are the guys who are claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby: Howard K. Stern, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s husband, and some guy named Larry.
All of a sudden the Jacksons don’t seem so crazy anymore.
Earlier this week the White House announced they had proof that Iran was smuggling bombs into Iraq.
Earlier today they announced there’s more evidence that Iran is behind other bombs. That’s right, apparently they were responsible for “Basic Instinct 2″ and “The Santa Clause 3.”
Over at Madison Square Garden tonight they had the Westminster Dog Show.
It was a big night for the teacup Chihuahuas – they beat the Knicks 102-95.
There are thousands of dogs at the Westminster Dog Show this year.
Here’s how many dogs there are: during a break in the show I saw a line of dogs outside Madison Square Garden waiting to use a fire hydrant.
Earlier this week Harvard named its first female president.
That means that right now, for the first time, a woman is Speaker of the House, the president of Harvard and the King of Pop.
Out in New Mexico they’re using talking urinal cakes in restaurants and bars to remind people not to drink and drive.
And if it works there they’re going to start using them here on the sidewalks.
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February 12, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:31 am UTC
MONDAY: It was on this day in 1999 that former President Clinton was acquitted in his impeachment trial.
Boy, it’s hard to believe it’s been eight years since Bill Clinton got off.
MONDAY: Ladies and gentleman, you’re here on a special night.
The entire balcony is filled with guys claiming to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby.
MONDAY: There are rumors now that Anna Nicole Smith used frozen sperm from her dead billionaire husband to have her baby.
Did she even look at my audition tape?
MONDAY: A judge has ruled that Anna Nicole Smith’s body has to be preserved for DNA testing.
In order to keep her dead body preserved they’ve called in an expert – Larry King’s makeup guy.
MONDAY: A judge has ruled that Anna Nicole Smith’s body has to be preserved for DNA testing.
Until the testing is complete her body’s sharing a place with James Brown’s body.
MONDAY: Poor Anna Nicole Smith is dead and she still can’t catch a break.
A judge has ordered that her body be keep preserved in a cooler and earlier today her body was getting hit on by Ted Williams’ frozen head.
MONDAY: Last night here on CBS they had the Grammy Awards.
You have to love an awards show that gives a lifetime achievement award to Weird Al Yankovic.
MONDAY: Last night here on CBS they had the Grammy Awards.
I watched the show and I knew it was going to be a boring when Britney showed up wearing underwear.
MONDAY: Justin Timberlake performed on the Grammy Awards last night.
So, for one night, I’m not the gayest guy on CBS.
MONDAY: The Dixie Chicks won five Grammy awards last night.
They won so many awards that by the end of the show President Bush called them backstage to concede.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President Abraham Lincoln was born on this date in 1809.
So if he was alive today, I think we’d all be pretty surprised.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President Abraham Lincoln was born on this date in 1809.
Some people believe that Abraham Lincoln was gay, which might be true because it would explain why he was at the theater that night.
FRIDAY: Down in Washington they’re busy getting ready for President’s Day.
Earlier today there was a team of guys at the Lincoln Memorial waxing his forehead.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il turns 66 today.
He had a great time until he blew out the candles on his cake and the whole country went dark.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: North Korean leader Kim Jong Il turns 66 today.
Here’s what we know about Kim Jong Il: he’s short, he’s crazy, he likes actresses – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s Tom Cruise
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Paris Hilton turns 26 tomorrow.
She celebrated with hey boyfriend; I just hope the camera was on.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Paris Hilton turns 26 tomorrow.
The bad news is she’s getting more and more candles on her birthday cake. The good news is we all know she shouldn’t have any problem blowing them out.
Barack Obama has officially announced that he’s running for president.
Hillary Clinton is pretty worried about going up against him. He’s younger, he’s hipper and he wears better pants suits.
Good news: Bank robbery here in New York City is way down.
I can tell bank robbery is down because it’s been months since somebody said to me “OK old man, take off your pants and get in the vault!”
Earlier this week Harvard University named its first female president, Drew Gilpin Faust.
I think that’s a smart move; clearly male presidents haven’t been getting the job done there.
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February 8, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:30 am UTC
Earlier this week a deranged astronaut drove 900 miles in a diaper to confront a romantic rival.
She’s had a rough week; she’s been arrested, charged with attempted murder and now she has a nasty case of diaper rash.
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
All this week the Statue of Liberty is wearing Vera Wang.
It’s freezing cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that on the subway this morning I was glad somebody was groping me.
It’s freezing cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that this morning my cab driver was wearing an electric turban.
It’s freezing cold here in New York City.
It was so cold that Paris Hilton was carrying around a teacup polar bear.
Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees has written a childrens book
Apparently he’s hoping to be a disappointment in two professions.
Alex Rodriguez of the Yankees has written a children’s book
Sales are expected to be strong through the spring and summer, but disappointing in October.
Former NBA player John Amaechi admitted this week that he’s gay.
His former teammates say they became suspicious when he kept bragging about his ball handling skills.
Former NBA player John Amaechi admitted this week that he’s gay.
I had a feeling the guy was gay when the announcers kept describing his play as “sassy.”
Earlier tonight on CBS they had the big Survivor season premier.
Thanks to global warming they have lots of new choices for tropical locations. I believe this new season is “Survivor: Minneapolis.”
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February 7, 2007.
Web Posted at: 8:32 am UTC
A deranged astronaut was charged with attempted murder after she tried to kill another woman over a man.
It turns out this woman really is crazy; she drove 900 miles wearing a wig and a diaper and today we found out she also refused to save 15% on her car insurance by switching to Geico.
A deranged astronaut drove 900 miles wearing a wig and a diaper to try and kill another woman over a man.
Houston, we have a nut job.
It’s been freezing cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that over at Fashion Week the hot new fabric is bearskin.
It’s been freezing cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that deranged astronaut was glad to be in hot water.
It’s been freezing cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that deranged astronaut drove 900 miles to try and assault Al Roker.
It’s been freezing cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that over at the Hello Deli Rupert Jee was putting anti-freeze in the chicken soup.
It’s been freezing cold here in New York City.
The key to surviving the cold is to dress in layers, which is why I’m wearing two hairpieces.
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
I love Fashion Week because it’s chance for me to get a sneak peak at what I’ll be wearing about 10 years from now.
Everybody here in New York City has Fashion Week fever.
Earlier today my cab driver was wearing an Armani turban.
Celebrity birthdays: Ashton Kutcher turns 29 today.
Or, as Demi Moore says, 348 months.
The President of Iran says that they’ve developed a cure for AIDS.
President Bush said he’d be more than happy to discuss once the invasion is over.
The President of Iran says that they’ve developed a cure for AIDS.
That’s the good news; the bad news is the plan involves killing everyone with AIDS.
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February 6, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:51 am UTC
It’s been freezing cold here in New York City all week.
It was so cold today that the Oscar people rescinded Al Gore’s Academy Award nomination.
It’s been freezing cold here in New York City all week.
It was so cold today that down in Times Square the hookers were handing out Gore-Tex condoms.
It’s been freezing cold here in New York City all week.
It’s been so cold that in President Bush’s new budget he wants to spend $1 billion to speed up global warming.
It’s been freezing cold here in New York City all week.
It was so cold today that over at Fashion Week the supermodels were putting on weight just to stay warm.
It’s been freezing cold here in New York City all week.
It was so cold today that an astronaut put on a diaper and drove all night to confront Al Roker.
Yesterday President Bust sent his new budget to Congress.
It’s a $2.9 trillion budget and here’s how it breaks down: he wants $650 billion for Social Security, $480 billion for defense, and $600 for a PlayStation 3.
Yesterday President Bust sent his new budget to Congress.
The bad news his new budget costs $2.9 trillion. The good news is he’s saved us %15 by switching to Geico.
There’s a new Paris Hilton video out in which she uses a racial slur.
That’s unusual because usually in her videos she’s using her mouth but she’s not doing much talking.
There’s a new Paris Hilton video out in which she uses a racial slur.
The good news is she’s Michael Richards’ new opening act.
The company that makes Snickers and M&Ms say that they will no longer market to kids under 12.
Instead they’re going to market twice as hard to Kirstie Alley.
Scientists in India recently found 100 fossilized dinosaur eggs that are between 65 million and 144 million years old.
They say they’re the oldest eggs ever found outside of an IHOP.
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February 5, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:29 am UTC
MONDAY: Congratulations to the Indianapolis Colts who won Super Bowl XLI last night.
So, now that Peyton Manning has won the Super Bowl I’m once again Indiana’s biggest disappointment.
MONDAY: Congratulations to Peyton Manning for being named the MVP of Super Bowl XLI last night.
Hopefully now he can finally pick up a few endorsement deals.
MONDAY: My mom was real excited about the Colts winning last night.
As the clock ran down mom was jumping up and down yelling “The bastards covered! The bastards covered!”
MONDAY: Luckily there was no wardrobe malfunction during the Super Bowl half time show.
That’s right; Prince kept his bra on.
MONDAY: Everybody always has the same complaints about the Super Bowl: it starts too late, the commercials are the best thing and it’s always a big disappointment.
No, I’m sorry, that’s what everybody says about this show.
MONDAY: Last week the groundhog didn’t see his shadow which means we’re going to have an early spring.
Here in New York City you can tell we’re going to have an early spring because the rats are already shedding their winter coats.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former Vice President Dan Quayle turned 60 yesterday.
Remember when the dumb guy was the VICE president?
MONDAY: Last week Paul and I celebrated 25 years on late night TV.
Over the last 25 years I’ve had 4,500 shows, 14,000 guests and 17 hairpieces.
FRIDAY: The Grammy Awards are coming up this weekend.
All the big stars are getting ready for it; Britney Spears has already picked out the underwear she won’t be wearing.
It’s freezing cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that Ryan O’Neal assaulted Al Roker.
It’s freezing cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that over at Fashion Week today Armani was showing off his new line of clothes for Eskimos.
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City.
Fashion Week is a lot like the Westminster Dog Show but with more bitches.
Everybody here in New York City is excited about Fashion Week.
Earlier today Hillary Clinton was wearing an Armani pants suit.
Earlier today I saw a sure sign it’s Fashion Week in New York.
I saw an old lady in Central Park feeding the supermodels.
This year for Fashion Week they have new rules about the sizes of the fashion models.
Here are the requirements: each model has to be bigger than then Olsen twins, but smaller than Rosie O’Donnell.
Congratulations to former Vice President Al Gore who’s been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize.
He’s so sure he’s going to win he’s already written a really boring acceptance speech.
Hillary Clinton says that if she’s elected president she’ll end the war in Iraq.
If she does get elected and bring the troops home I believe she’ll be the first Clinton to pull out since Bill.
Up on the International Space Station this week astronaut Sunita Williams set a new record for spacewalking by a woman.
She’s now officially spent more time in space than any woman other than Shirley MacClaine.
There are rumors now that Britney Spears is converting to Judaism.
Apparently her friends say she’s learning to lip-sync the torah.
There are rumors now that Britney Spears is converting to Judaism.
That’s right; she was seen being driven to a synagogue by her son.
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