Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
January 25, 2007.
Web Posted at: 12:00 am UTC
This Sunday is Super Bowl XLI between the Colts and the Bears.
Now that Peyton Manning is finally in the Super Bowl that means once again I’m Indiana’s biggest disappointment.
This Sunday is Super Bowl XLI between the Colts and the Bears.
Mom’s so confident the Colts are going to win she’s already had a horseshoe and the words World Champs tattooed on her arm.
The whole state of Indiana has Colts fever.
Everybody in the state has a Colts bumper sticker on their horse.
John Kerry says that he’s not going to run for president in 2008.
He said he’s not running in 2008 but he hasn’t ruled out blowing it in 2012.
John Kerry says that he’s not going to run for president in 2008.
He said he’d like to run but he Teresa won’t lend him the money again.
Over in China McDonald’s has opened its first drive-through restaurant.
It’s not surprising that McDonald’s is so popular in China; after all they love dog meat.
It was on this day in 1790 that the Supreme Court convened for the first time right here in New York City.
Another piece of trivia: they’re first session was covered by a young Regis Philbin.
Jennifer Anniston was going to be a guest star on Courteney Cox’s new show this season and they were going to kiss on camera.
The bad news is the plans have been canceled because Jen’s been replace with Angelina Jolie.
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January 24, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:36 am UTC
Last night President Bush gave his State of the Union address
His speech focused on domestic issues like energy use, health care and his Oscar picks.
Last night at the State of the Union there was an historic moment right at the start.
It was the first time a president began his State of the Union speech by addressing the Speaker of the House as “Sweetie.”
President Bush said last night that he has a plan to increase our supply of alternative energies like solar and wind power.
Step one of his plan is to invade Holland.
Last night President Bush said that he wants Americans to cut their gas consumption by 20% over the next ten years.
He has a pretty bold plan to cut back on the amount of driving people do to and from work: eliminate more jobs.
Last night President Bush said that he wants Americans to reduce their oil consumption.
He said he’s doing his part to cut back on energy use in the White House – he’s not burning any midnight oil in the Oval Office.
Last night President Bush proposed health care reform.
He proposed offering free health care to Dick Cheney’s gunshot victims.
Last night President Bush said that he wants to turn health care benefits into taxable income.
That should really boost his approval rating.
There was an awkward moment last night during the State of the Union address between Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama.
Did you see it? They both showed up wearing the same pants suit.
North Korea is helping Iran to prepare an underground nuclear test.
It’s a fair trade of technologies. North Korea is sharing nuclear secrets with Iran and Iran is going to show North Korea how to make sliced bread.
It was on this date in 1986 that the Voyager 2 space probe came within 50,000 miles of Uranus.
Experts say this was one of the important events in the history of dirty joke writing.
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January 23, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:51 am UTC
Earlier tonight President Bush gave his State of the Union address.
It was a tough crowd. They were so tough President Bush said that’s the last time he’s going to have Carrot Top open for him
Earlier tonight President Bush gave his State of the Union address.
It was his first speech to a Democrat controlled Congress and it didn’t go too well. He interrupted 10 ten times by people screaming “Go to hell, Gringo!”
Earlier tonight President Bush gave his State of the Union address.
He got kind of a rough reception by the Democrats; it was kind of like if Donald Trump made a speech to The View.
Dreamgirls led the way this morning with 8 Oscar nominations.
They say the characters aren’t based on anybody in particular but I swear the Beyonce character looks just like Michael Jackson.
Last week on The View Rosie O’Donnell gave everybody in the audience a free cruise.
Earlier today she was at it again; after the show she rotated everybody’s tires.
Over in Cambodia recently they found a girl who’s been living wild in the jungle for 19 years.
They say she doesn’t know about any current events, she can’t speak intelligently and she’s been running around naked – no, wait, I’m sorry that’s Britney Spears.
O.J. Simpson has been ordered by a judge to only spend his money on necessary living expenses.
You have feel a little sorry for O.J. now. Here’s how bad it’s gotten for him: his knives are so old and dull he can’t kill anybody with them.
It was on this date in 1960 that two guys set the record for the deepest dive in a submarine, almost 7 miles to the bottom of a trench in the Pacific Ocean.
It’s the deepest hole a man has ever been in – except for one George Bush is in.
Scientists have discovered that taking high doses of Viagra can impair the ability to smell.
That’s good’s news for me, because now I don’t mind riding the subway.
Scientists have discovered that taking high doses of Viagra can impair the ability to smell.
I think that’s true because I noticed that once I started taking it my dates didn’t smell like whiskey and cigarettes any more.
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January 22, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:14 am UTC
MONDAY: Hillary Clinton says that she’s running for president.
She says that she’s in to win. I believe this is the biggest thing a Clinton has gotten into since – Monica.
MONDAY: Hillary Clinton says that she’s running for president.
Bill is already giving her a lot of help; he’s giving her his support, his advice and few of his old pants suits.
MONDAY: Hillary Clinton says that she’s running for president.
If Hillary wins she’d be the first woman to go to work everyday in the Oval Office, other than Monica.
MONDAY: Tomorrow night President Bush is giving his State of the Union address.
His speech is all written; it’s just has to get a final OK from Halliburton.
MONDAY: Tomorrow night President Bush is giving his State of the Union address.
This will be his first speech in front a Democratic controlled Congress and it could be tense. Just to be safe, Dick Cheney is bringing his hunting rifle.
MONDAY: Tomorrow night President Bush is giving his State of the Union address.
Here’s a preview of what he’ll be talking about: he has a new plan for global warming, a new plan for health care and a new plan for The View.
MONDAY: Experts say today is Blue Monday, the unhappiest day of the year.
But enough about the New England Patriots.
FRIDAY (2/2): It’s the Colts against the Bears in the Super Bowl this Sunday.
I just hope that Peyton Manning can finally get himself a few endorsements out of this.
FRIDAY (2/2): The Super Bowl is this Sunday.
Super Bowl Sunday is like a holiday in this country and thank goodness because if there’s one thing Americans need it’s a day to just sit on the couch, eat and watch TV.
FRIDAY (2/2): Kickoff for the Super Bowl is about 6:30pm on Sunday, but the pregame show starts earlier every year.
In fact, technically, this show tonight is part of the pregame show.
FRIDAY (2/2): Everybody here in New York City has Super Bowl fever.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering their annual Super Bowl special: for an extra $10 they’ll let you review a video replay.
FRIDAY (2/2): Every year I spend Super Bowl Sunday the same way: hanging out with the guys, drinking beer, checking out the cheerleaders – no wait, I’m sorry, that’s how Rosie O’Donnell spends Super Bowl Sunday.
FRIDAY (2/2): The Bears are in the Super Bowl this year.
I tell you that Bear defense is the toughest I’ve seen it since Rosie O’Donnell was playing.
FRIDAY (2/2): It was on this date in 1653 that New York City was founded.
To celebrate, for today only, down in Times Square the hookers are charging 1653 prices.
FRIDAY (2/2): It was on this date in 1653 that New York City was founded.
Here’s what left in Manhattan from 1653: a couple of buildings, a couple of streets and a couple of hookers.
FRIDAY (2/2): It was on this date in 1653 that New York City was founded.
Here’s what left in Manhattan from 1653: a couple of buildings, a couple of streets and the Yankee Stadium hot dogs.
Donald Trump has been fined by Palm Beach, Florida for having an 80-foot flagpole.
They say it’s big, it’s over the top, and it’s an eyesore – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s his hair.
Former Vice President Walter Mondale has criticized Dick Cheney for giving President Bush bad advice.
President Bush was shocked to hear this – he had no idea Walter Mondale was ever vice president.
Oprah Winfrey has been named the richest woman in entertainment by Forbes magazine.
Here now are the top three richest women in entertainment according to Forbes magazine: Oprah Winfrey, J.K. Rowling and Michael Jackson.
Miss Nevada USA Katie Ross has been stripped of her title for drinking, partying and exposing herself.
Apparently pageant officials felt she wasn’t a good representative for Nevada – she was too wholesome.
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January 18, 2007.
Web Posted at: 6:56 pm UTC
It’s really cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that over Grant’s Tomb they were putting shrink wrap on the windows.
It’s really cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that President Bush ordered Al Roker hanged.
It’s really cold here in New York City.
It was so cold today that Simon Cowell reamed out Al Roker.
Out in California they’ve had freezing temperatures that have ruined the fruit crop.
It’s been a bad year for fruits in California. This week all the citrus froze and last week they cancelled Queer Eye.
President Bush is busy trying to sell his new plan for Iraq.
He’s been all over the country humping his new plan. I haven’t seen a president hump something like that since – Bill Clinton.
Yesterday Mayor Bloomberg gave his annual State of the City speech.
Here’s a quick summary: he said the city is alive with hope and teeming with rats.
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was caught trying to smuggle marijuana onto an airplane yesterday.
Apparently airport security became suspicious when they noticed him acting groovy.
NBC is expanding the Today show to four hours.
They’re already having trouble filling the extra hour. The fourth hour is going to feature Gene Shalit grooming his mustache.
Kevin Federline is going to star in a commercial during the Super Bowl.
It’s was a good deal for him; he got lots of money for a couple of hours of work – just like his marriage to Britney.
North Korea is trying to breed giant rabbits to boost meat production.
I’m thinking if they want rabbit meat they should just open up a few KFCs.
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January 17, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:48 am UTC
It was freezing cold today here in New York City.
It was so cold today I haven’t felt a chill run up my spine like that since I found out I was going to be a father.
President Bush is going everywhere promoting his new plan for Iraq.
Earlier this week he was on “60 Minutes” and PBS. Tomorrow he’ll be on Opie and Anthony.
President Bush is going everywhere promoting his new plan for Iraq.
Earlier today he was debating the plan on Howard Stern’s show with a lesbian and a drunken dwarf.
President Bush is going everywhere promoting his new plan for Iraq.
He’s been traveling and speaking everywhere to get support for his plan. If only he’d put this much effort into the plan itself.
Congratulations to Donald Trump who got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday.
Here are the details about the star: it’s made of faux marble, it’s rimmed with bronze and it’s held in place with cement – no, I’m sorry, that’s his hair.
It’s been so cold in California this week that three quarters of the citrus crops have been ruined because of frost.
The citrus situation is in California is so bad President Bush is thinking about invading Florida.
It’s been so cold in California this week that three quarters of the citrus crops have been ruined because of frost.
The good news is the frost has put out the wildfires.
Celebrity birthdays: Popeye turns 78 today.
Popeye’s starting to get a little old. Now he needs a whole can of spinach just to open the Viagra bottle.
Celebrity birthdays: Popeye turns 78 today.
Popeye’s still going strong. In fact, I think he’s just been recalled for his third tour of duty in Iraq.
Celebrity birthdays: Kid Rock turns 36 today.
His friends all chipped in and bought him a nice new pair of rims for his house.
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January 16, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:41 am UTC
Last night at the Golden Globe Awards Babel won for Best Drama.
Babel – it’s nice to see someone finally make a picture about The View.
Last night at the Golden Globe Awards Eddie Murphy won for Best Supporting Actor in Dreamgirls.
Eddie’s old Saturday Night Live cast member Joe Piscopo also won an award at the Golden Globes last night – for best job parking cars.
The Democrats in Washington say that Congress will now be in session five days a week.
You can tell the Democrats are serious about working harder. Earlier today I saw Hillary Clinton in Brooks Brothers buying 5 new pants suits.
The Democrats in Washington say that Congress will now be in session five days a week.
To President Bush saying you’re going to work five days a week is fightin’ words.
Earlier tonight on the new season of American Idol debuted.
I don’t watch American Idol. I figure if I want to watch a bunch of no talent losers make asses out of themselves on TV I’ll just tune in the Knicks game.
Reports from Cuba now say that Fidel Castro is close to death.
His doctors are giving him the best medicine Cuba has to offer. I believe today they’re trying leeches.
Miss Jersey USA has resigned because she’s pregnant.
I believe she’s the first New Jersey queen to resign since Jim McGreevey.
First Lady Laura Bush is in Paris this week to promote global literacy.
If she has any luck promoting literacy in Europe she says she’ll try the same thing with George.
Scientists in Europe say they’ve found a skull that’s shows traits of both Neanderthals and humans.
They say it’s the strongest evidence yet that Neanderthals and humans interbred – other than Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver’s kids.
New York City is getting its own brand of condoms.
New York City condoms are made from tough, durable latex that nothing can penetrate – no, I’m sorry those are the Yankee Stadium hot dogs.
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January 15, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:26 am UTC
MONDAY: Happy Martin Luther King Day!
Martin Luther King Day is celebrated just about everywhere in the U.S. The only place it’s not celebrated is in Michael Richards’ house.
MONDAY: Earlier today at my house we had the big Letterman family Martin Luther King Day celebration.
Mom made her famous I Had a Dream Margaritas.
MONDAY: Earlier tonight on NBC they had the Golden Globe Awards.
Dreamgirls and Borat were expected to be the big winners at the Golden Globes. The big losers were expected to be anybody who actually watched the Golden Globe Awards.
MONDAY: Over in Iraq today they hanged Saddam Hussein’s half brother.
I believe his name was Roger Hussein.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Andy Rooney turned 88 yesterday.
For his birthday the cast of “60 Minutes” hired a girl to jump out of his eyebrows.
MONDAY: The other day here in New York City they had the annual No Pants Subway Ride, where hundreds of people rode the subway pants on.
The way it works is that for one day everybody rides the subway in their underwear. Today everybody’s back to riding the subway naked.
MONDAY: Out in Los Angeles this weekend they had record cold temperatures.
There hasn’t been this kind of chill in the air in Hollywood since Brad dumped Jen.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: The Today show turned 55 yesterday.
Here’s how big the birthday cake was: they’re still picking cake out of Gene Shalit’s mustache.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Dolly Parton turns 61 today.
Her friends threw her a big surprise party. What they did was they all jumped out from under her breasts.
The Bush administration says they have no plans to attack Iran.
That doesn’t mean anything; I believe, technically, they never made a plan for Iraq.
David Beckham agreed to $250 million contract to play soccer for the Los Angeles Galaxy.
I believe that’s the most anybody has paid for somebody to do something nobody will watch since CBS hired me.
David Beckham agreed to $250 million contract to play soccer for the Los Angeles Galaxy.
Aside from the money there are lots of other benefits to playing in L.A.: endorsements, acting opportunities, and he can kill whoever he wants and get away with it.
Michael Jackson has been sued by a drug store because he owes them $100,000 for prescription drugs.
Michael, if you’re watching, I have two words of advice: generic equivalent.
James Brown still hasn’t been buried because his family is fighting over his remains.
He died on Christmas, so I believe this is the longest the corpse of a celebrity has gone unburied since Joan Rivers.
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January 11, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:17 am UTC
Last night on TV President Bush announced his new plan for Iraq.
All that’s left to do now is to get it approved by Halliburton.
Last night on TV President Bush gave a big speech where he admitted that he didn’t do enough to prevent the fighting between Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell.
White House officials say that President Bush was upset by the video of Saddam Hussein’s execution.
Aides said he was so upset after he watched it he could barely sit through it three more times.
Donald Trump and Barbara Walters are now fighting with each other.
Let’s see first Donald was fighting with Martha Stewart, then Rosie O’Donnell and now Barbara Walters. So finally I’m no longer the most hated man in entertainment.
Donald Trump and Barbara Walters are now fighting with each other.
First he was mad at Rosie O’Donnell and now he’s mad at Barbara Walters. I’m thinking he should forget them and get mad at his hair stylist.
Donald Trump and Barbara Walters are now fighting with each other.
Here’s how crazy things have gotten between Donald Trump and the women on The View: earlier today the Israelis and Palestinians called for them to cool it.
Barry Bonds reportedly tested positive for amphetamines last season.
This is the kind of thing that could really ruin his reputation.
Yvonne De Carlo, the woman who played Lily Munster on The Munsters, died this week at the age of 84.
You remember The Munsters? It was about a really creepy family. Let’s see there was Herman, Lily, Eddie, Michael and Latoya.
Yesterday the House of Representatives voted to increase the minimum wage.
So, finally some good news for Kevin Federline.
Jason Kidd of the New Jersey Nets says that his wife beat him.
That’s not actually that uncommon. For example, the Knicks get bitch slapped every night.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame announced its 2007 inductees earlier this week.
Once again Mark McGwire didn’t get enough votes.
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January 10, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:49 am UTC
Earlier tonight President Bush announced his new plan for Iraq.
His plan sounded well thought out, it sounded rational, it sounded like it might actually work – that’s right somebody else came up with it.
Earlier tonight President Bush announced his new plan for Iraq.
He wants to send 20,000 more troops to Iraq to bring the situation under control – and if it works there he’ll try doing the same thing with The View.
Earlier tonight President Bush said he wants to send 20,000 more troops to Iraq.
I’m not sure it’s such a good plan – he’s sending over troops from the Salvation Army.
Earlier tonight President Bush said he wants to send 20,000 more troops to Iraq.
20,000 more troops? Sure, I think the American people won’t have any problem with that.
Down in Washington the Democrats are busy trying to get a lot done in Congress during their first 100 hours in power.
Here’s how busy they are: for the next few weeks the only reason Hillary Clinton is going home is to shower and change pants suits.
2006 was now officially the warmest year on record for the United States.
Here’s how warm it was: earlier today President Bush announced he was sending 20,000 troops to the sun.
Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell are still fighting and now they’re also both fighting with Barbara Walters.
Rooting for somebody in this fight is kind of like rooting for someone in a war between Iran, Syria, and North Korea.
Congratulations to Cal Ripken, Jr. and Tony Gwynn who were elected to the baseball Hall of Fame yesterday.
Here now are the criteria to be elected to the baseball Hall of Fame: you have to have to have been a dominant player for your era and you have to have been done playing for at least five years – no, I’m sorry, those are the criteria to be signed by the Yankees.
Paris Hilton and Britney Spears have been named the Worst Dressed Women of the year.
Paris and Britney tied for the number 1 worst dressed woman. Did you hear who the number 10 worst dressed woman was? Michael Jackson.
A guy flying from Chicago to Vermont recently found a scorpion in his pants.
The good news is the scorpion didn’t bite his snake.
A guy flying from Chicago to Vermont recently found a scorpion in his pants.
The poor guy was so shaken up the pilot came back and shared his drink with him.
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January 9, 2007.
Web Posted at: 11:02 am UTC
Yesterday here in New York part of the city had to be evacuated because of an unpleasant smell.
I wasn’t worried because my hairpiece doubles as an air filtration device.
Yesterday here in New York part of the city had to be evacuated because of an unpleasant smell.
At first officials couldn’t tell if the smell was coming from New Jersey and then they figured out the smell WAS New Jersey.
Yesterday here in New York part of the city had to be evacuated because of an unpleasant smell.
Mayor Bloomberg wasn’t taking any chances so he ordered the immediate evacuation of all the hookers.
Yesterday here in New York they had to evacuate parts of the subway because of an unpleasant smell.
I didn’t know what the big deal was; every time I’m on the subway there’s an unpleasant smell.
Tomorrow night President Bush is going to announce his new plan for Iraq.
Apparently he’s still working on it, which is understandable – he’s never actually made a plan before.
President Bush is going to announce his new plan for Iraq on national television tomorrow night at 9:00pm.
You know it’s important when President Bush is willing to miss “Deal or No Deal.”
Congratulations to the University of Florida who beat Ohio State last night to win the college football national championship.
They officially finished first in the polls and they didn’t even need the rigged voting machines.
Congratulations to the University of Florida who beat Ohio State last night to win the college football national championship.
So Florida finished 13-1 but admittedly they played a couple of weak teams, like Central Florida, Western Carolina and the Jets.
Iwao Takamoto, the man who created Scooby-Doo, died this week at the age of 81.
They say he was surrounded by his family when he was put to sleep.
Lindsay Lohan recently had her appendix removed.
It’s the most useless appendage she’s had removed since she stopped hanging out with Paris Hilton.
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January 8, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:19 am UTC
MONDAY: It was another warm day here in New York City today.
It was so warm here in New York that the Jets and Giants were glad to get a cool reception.
MONDAY: This is the week President Bush makes his big announcement.
That’s right; after weeks of study groups, analysis, and brainstorming President Bush is finally ready to announce his new plan to end to the fighting between Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump.
MONDAY: This is the week President Bush makes his big announcement.
That’s right; after weeks of study groups, analysis, and brainstorming President Bush is finally ready to announce his new plan to straighten out the Jets and the Giants.
MONDAY: This is the week President Bush makes his big announcement.
Details of the plan have already been leaked, so here’s what we know: the new plan is to hold for on for two more years until Hillary Clinton is president.
MONDAY: This is the week President Bush makes his big announcement.
The rumor is he’s going to send more fighters to Iraq; that’s right, he’s going to send Rosie O’Donnell and Donald Trump to Iraq.
MONDAY: Down in Washington D.C. yesterday a subway train jumped the tracks.
I believe it’s the biggest train wreck in Washington other than the Bush administration.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Katie Couric turned 50 yesterday.
The news department at CBS threw her a surprise party; what they did was, everybody jumped out from behind Andy Rooney’s eyebrows.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Elvis would have turned 72 today.
In honor of Elvis’s birthday today he’s actually in the audience tonight.
MONDAY: Here in New York City it’s the middle of winter but this weekend it felt more like the middle of summer.
It was so warm in New York today that I wasn’t sure whether to tell Jets jokes or Mets jokes.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Howard Stern turns 53 today.
At his birthday party they had a cake jump out of a girl.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Kirstie Alley turns 56 today.
Her friends threw her a nice party and they had a cake jump out of a cake.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Rush Limbaugh turns 56 today.
He celebrated with a few close friends and pharmacists.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Rush Limbaugh turns 56 today.
His friends got him one of those big cakes and had a pharmacist jump out.
Over in Iraq they’ve officially dropped all remaining charges against Saddam Hussein.
So, I guess getting hanged was a pretty good defense strategy.
The Yankees have traded Randy Johnson back to the Arizona Diamondbacks.
Randy’s 43-years-old, so apparently and the Yankees have decided to give up on their youth movement.
The Yankees have traded Randy Johnson back to the Arizona Diamondbacks.
Here’s the deal: the Diamondbacks get Randy Johnson for a relief pitcher, three minor leaguers and an overpaid has-been to be named later.
The Yankees have traded Randy Johnson back to the Arizona Diamondbacks.
So I guess now the oldest, most overpriced things in Yankee Stadium will be the hot dogs.
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have been awarded joint custody of their two kids.
Here’s the deal: the kids will live with Britney, but K Fed will get to see the kids at Britney’s house on whatever days he’s there cleaning it.
Momofuku Ando, the guys who invented Ramen noodles, died last week at the age of 96.
His family says he went fast – he was done in under 60 seconds.
A guy dressed as Tigger at Walt Disney World has been accused of hitting a child while posing for a picture.
Apparently it was all just a big misunderstanding; the kid called him a big pussy.
A woman is suing Oprah Winfrey because she claims she was injured in a rush for seats during a taping of her show.
Apparently her injuries were so serious she could barely drive off in the new car Oprah gave her.
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January 4, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:28 am UTC
Earlier today down in Washington Nancy Pelosi took over as Speaker of the House.
She’s got a lot of legislation planned for the first 100 hours, like increasing the minimum wage, rolling back tax cuts and doubling the number of women’s bathrooms.
Earlier today down in Washington the Democrats officially took control of Congress.
It’s sad to see so many Republicans out of work. Earlier today I saw a Republican with a sign that said “Will be bribed for food.”
President Bush is going to announce his new plan to end the fighting in Iraq next week.
Then the week after that he’s going to announce his new plan to end the fighting on The View.
President Bush is going to announce his new plan for Iraq next week.
Sure, take your time, there’s no rush; things are running pretty smoothly there right now.
President Bush is going to announce his new plan for Iraq next week.
Can you have a new plan if you never had an old plan?
The White House said yesterday that President Bush has not seen the video of Saddam Hussein being executed.
They said he hasn’t seen it and doesn’t want to hear about it, because he doesn’t want anybody to ruin the ending for him.
National Intelligence Director John Negroponte resigned yesterday.
President Bush was shocked – he had no idea he had a National Intelligence Director.
Last year we set a record for tourists here in New York City, over 44 million people.
That’s right 44 million tourists and almost 40 million of them survived.
Last year we set a record for tourists here in New York City, over 44 million people, and they’re saying even more tourists are coming this year.
Here’s how crazy it’s getting: everything’s already booked solid through the summer – and that’s just the hookers.
Toyota has developed a new car that won’t work if the driver is drunk.
Here’s how it works: the car won’t start if it determines that the driver is Nicole Richie.
There’s a new study out that finds that people who get herpes are more likely to develop Alzheimer’s.
The good news is they won’t remember ever having herpes.
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January 3, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:36 am UTC
A document outlining Rudolph Guiliani’s strategy to get elected president was leaked to the press this week.
It’s a pretty sure-fire plan. Step one is getting his brother elected governor of Florida.
Celebrity birthdays: Mel Gibson turns 51 today.
You can really tell that Mel is getting older. He still hates the Jews, but now he can’t remember why.
Yesterday in Washington they had a big funeral for former President Ford.
A confused President Bush eulogized him as a great president and an even greater carmaker.
Yesterday at former President Ford’s funeral President Bush called him a “synonym for integrity.”
It was a very impressive speech – I had no idea he knew what “synonym” means.
Last week former Iraqi President Saddam Hussein was executed.
Today a confused President Bush ordered the flags at the White House lowered to half-staff.
Yesterday in South Africa Oprah Winfrey opened the Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls.
Apparently Oprah realized that there were some people in the world who weren’t under her control.
The average price of an apartment here in Manhattan is now $1.14 million.
Here’s how expensive it’s getting to live in Manhattan: earlier today Donald Trump moved to New Jersey.
Starbucks announced this week that they’ve eliminated trans fat from their stores here in Manhattan.
So now I guess I can’t get my favorite drink anymore: a Grande Mocha Latte with extra Crisco.
New York City has officially banned trans fat from all restaurants.
And today Mayor Bloomberg vowed to ban all fat tranies from Times Square.
This week a 14-year-old British kid became the youngest person to sail across the Atlantic solo.
You’d never see an American kid doing something like that; they’re too busy having sex with their teachers.
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January 2, 2007.
Web Posted at: 10:31 am UTC
TUESDAY: It’s 2007 and I’m still writing 2006 on my checks.
Last night I did it on three straight checks when I was trying to pay for sex.
TUESDAY: The other night I watched the big New Year’s Eve show on TV.
It was a big show; there were people dancing in the street, bands performing and it was all hosted by Ryan Seacrest – no, wait, I’m sorry, that the was the Saddam Hussein execution.
TUESDAY: Over on ABC the other night they had Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, hosted by Ryan Seacrest and Dick Clark.
Did you see him? It was sad; he looked awful, he seemed confused and he couldn’t speak coherently – and Dick Clark didn’t look too good either.
TUESDAY: Over at my house we had the annual Letterman family New Year’s Eve party on Sunday night.
My Uncle Earl was there and by midnight he’d already eaten three bags of confetti.
TUESDAY: Everybody’s still in the New Year’s spirit.
Earlier today Madonna adopted the Baby New Year.
TUESDAY: Saddam Hussein was hanged last week.
Well, that should close the book on that whole Iraq thing.
TUESDAY: Saddam Hussein was hanged last week.
Hanging wasn’t his preferred method of execution; he was hoping for death by chocolate.
TUESDAY: Saddam Hussein was hanged last week.
So it was almost exactly three years between when we pulled him out of that spider hole and when we put him right back in it.
TUESDAY: Have you seen the video of Saddam Hussein being hanged?
I saw it and it’s rough. I haven’t seen somebody get it like that on video since Paris Hilton.
TUESDAY: Yesterday down in Texas a small plane violated the airspace over President Bush’s ranch.
It turned out to be a pilot error but just to be safe the Secret Service rushed President Bush to a more secure spot so he could continue doing nothing.
TUESDAY: Former President Gerald Ford died last week at the age of 93.
Gerald Ford was the only man who became president without being elected president or vice president – other than George Bush.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Porky Pig turns 71 tomorrow.
He’s the most famous 70-something without pants other than Ted Kennedy.
They had James Brown’s body on stage at the Apollo Theater last week.
Before they brought out James Brown’s body they warmed up the crowd with Sammy Davis Jr.’s body.
Big crowds of people went to the Apollo Theater last week to see the body of James Brown.
I believe it was the most people to see a corpse on stage other than Joan Rivers.
Big crowds of people went to the Apollo Theater last week to see the body of James Brown.
So many people turned up to see him that his body’s been booked for a two week run in Las Vegas.
Harrison Ford is going to make another Indiana Jones movie this year.
In this movie Indiana Jones is going to be a little older; the working title is Indiana Jones and the Prostate of Doom.
Last week in California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his leg skiing.
The good news is the doctors say he won’t need crutches – since his knuckles reach the ground.
Congratulations to Kate Moss and Pete Doherty who were married in Thailand last week.
The whole thing was pretty secret. The only we thing we know for sure was that there was at least one crummy singer at the reception.
Congratulations to Kate Moss and Pete Doherty who were married in Thailand last week.
Witnesses say it was pretty touching when he put the ring around her neck.
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