Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
December 21, 2006.
Web Posted at: 9:39 am UTC
Next month the Democrats take control of Congress and they say they’ve got an aggressive agenda for the first one hundred days.
Here’s what’s at the top of their list of action items: a new plan for Iraq, health care reform, and a permanent ban on any more Rock y movies.
The new Rocky movie opened yesterday.
In this movie Rocky fights the entire front court of the Knicks.
Earlier today the staff gave me a Christmas present.
I’m not sure what to make of this. They all chipped in and got me a gift certificate to Taco Bell.
It’s almost Christmas, which means it’s time for me to tip all those people who help me throughout the year.
So if you work for me or you served me somehow this year, get excited because I’ve got a whole pocket full of crisp new $1 bills.
President Bush said yesterday that he wants a bigger army.
So, earlier today First Lady Laura Bush went out and bought him some more G.I. Joes.
Congratulations to Monica Lewinsky who graduated this week from the London School of Economics.
Sources say she aced her oral exams.
Mothers Against Drunk Driving announced this week that they’ve cut ties with Miss Teen USA Katie Blair because of her drinking and partying.
The good news is she’s already the leading contender to be the next Miss USA.
Eminem and his wife officially got divorced for the second time this week.
As part of the settlement she gets half of everything he has, so from now on he’ll just be known as Em.
The Census Bureau released some new data this week that shows that Americans are fatter than ever.
Here’s how fat we are; you know all of those Mexicans who keep coming over the border? Apparently they’re being sucked over the border by our gravitational pull
Archaeologists in London recently found the 1,600 year-old skeleton from the Roman era.
They say it’s the oldest fossil found in England, other than Mick Jagger.
Earlier this week a woman in Los Angeles accidentally put her 1-month-old grandson through an X-ray machine at the airport.
The good news is the baby wasn’t hurt. The bad news is the airline accidentally sent him to Pittsburgh.
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December 20, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:03 am UTC
There’s a 29-year-old woman in Australia who’s claiming to be Mel Gibson’s illegitimate daughter.
Sources say she probably is his daughter because she looks just like him and she really hates the Jews.
The new Rocky movie opened today.
In this movie Rocky’s wife Adrian is dead, so Rocky strikes up a hot romance with Bea Arthur.
The new Rocky movie opened today.
In the new Rocky movie Rocky looks so good in the ring that earlier today he was named the WBC’s number one contender.
The new Rocky movie opened today.
In this movie Rocky faces his toughest fight yet: surviving a meal at the Olive Garden.
New Secretary of Defense Robert Gates made his first official trip to Iraq yesterday.
You can tell he’s new to the job; he had no idea where you hook the leash onto the prisoner.
Yesterday the Philadelphia 76ers traded Allen Iverson to the Denver Nuggets.
Here’s what the Nuggets had to give up to get Allen Iverson: two veteran players, two draft picks, and a thug to be named later.
A new study out says that 95 percent of Americans have had premarital sex.
So apparently only 5 percent of Americans ever have post-marital sex.
The government announced this week that prices rose last month faster than they have in 30 years.
I can really tell prices for a lot of things are up, like prescription drugs. The price of prescription drugs is so high now that I pay more for the Viagra than I do for the sex.
Yesterday in Washington State Mt. St. Helens had a mild eruption.
I believe that’s the biggest thing to blow in Washington since Monica.
Yesterday in Washington State Mt. St. Helens had a mild eruption.
A mild eruption – that’s also what I call it when I have sex.
Yesterday Donald Trump announced that he wasn’t going to fire Miss USA.
Miss USA was so emotional during the announcement that she started to cry, so Donald leaned over and dabbed her tears with his hairpiece.
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December 19, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:49 am UTC
Yesterday North Korea made a list of demands to the U.S. in exchange for giving up their nuclear program.
Here’s what they’re demanding: an end to U.N. sanctions, a light water nuclear reactor and no more Rocky movies.
Yesterday President Bush signed a bill to share nuclear technology with India.
It said it’s all perfectly safe because it’s not like we’re sharing nuculer technology with them.
The FBI says violent crimes are way up in the U.S. this year.
The good news is the terrorists are all too scared to come here now.
Bad news: the murder rate in New York City is way up this year.
Here’s how high the murder rate is in New York is now: the morgue has started taking reservations.
It was on this date in 1998 that former President Clinton was formally impeached over the Monica Lewinsky scandal.
Say what you will about Bill Clinton but when he was president we knew at least one person was working hard in the Oval Office.
The new Rocky movie opens tomorrow.
Rocky’s so old in this movie that he has trouble lasting three minutes without going to the bathroom.
Yesterday we had the official Late Show holiday party.
We had the party last night and today lots of people called in sick so, that’s it, next year we’re not having it catered by Taco Bell.
Only six days left until Christmas and I still have lots of presents to buy.
I do this every year; I always wait until the last minute to send my assistant out shopping.
My son Harry wants one of those Tickle Me Elmo dolls for Christmas but every store I went to was sold out of it.
I don’t want to let him down so I made my own version. What I did was I took one of my old hairpieces and dyed it red.
Joe Barbera, the creator the Flintstones died this week at the age of 95.
He was so old apparently the Flintstones were based on his family life as a child.
Britney Spears has been voted the Worst Celebrity Dog owner in a new poll.
I don’t know about dogs, but she is a lousy cat owner. Everybody knows she shaves her pussy.
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December 18, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:24 am UTC
MONDAY: Earlier today President Bush said he was going to wait until January to announce his new plan to bring peace to Madison Square Garden.
MONDAY: Saturday night here in New York at the Knicks game ten players were ejected after a big brawl broke out.
More bad news: that was half the crowd.
MONDAY: Saturday night here in New York at the Knicks game ten players were ejected after a big brawl broke out.
The Knicks felt that the Nuggets were trying to embarrass them by running up the score. You can understand why the Knicks were mad – they’re perfectly capable of embarrassing themselves.
MONDAY: Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto was the number five movie over the weekend.
Last week it was number one and this week it’s dropped to number five – and I think we all know who’s going to get blamed for that.
MONDAY: Over in Iran last week they had elections.
Experts say there it was a real close battle between parties at the opposite ends of the political spectrum: the Anti-American Party vs. the Really Anti-American Party.
MONDAY: Over in Iran last week they had elections.
Experts say the elections were a resounding success for the hard core religious fundamentalists or, as they’re called in Iran, liberals.
MONDAY: Last Friday was Donald Rumsfeld’s last day as the Secretary of Defense.
As a going away gift President Bush gave him a beautiful, gold leash.
MONDAY: Last Friday was Donald Rumsfeld’s last day as the Secretary of Defense.
You can tell he’s already having a tough time readjusting to civilian life. Earlier today I saw him on a street corner wearing a sign that said “Will torture for food.”
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Brad Pitt turns 43 today.
He’s taking getting older kind of hard, which I understand, since I know what it’s like to be an aging sex symbol.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Brad Pitt turns 43 today.
His wife Angelina Jolie gave him a lovely present: a gift certificate for a third world orphan.
FRIDAY: Today’s the first day of winter, the shortest day of the year.
Or, as I like to call it, the Tom Cruise of the calendar.
FRIDAY: The new Rocky movie opened this week.
In this movie you can tell Rocky is a little older. He still gets up 3:00am when he’s training, but it’s just to go the bathroom.
FRIDAY: The new Rocky movie opened this week.
In this movie you can tell Rocky is a little older. He begins each workout by eating a half-dozen raw prunes.
FRIDAY: The new Rocky movie opened this week.
In this movie you can tell Rocky is a little older. Instead of running the streets of Philadelphia to train, now he just walks a couple of laps around the mall.
FRIDAY: The new Rocky movie opened this week.
In this movie Rocky is fighting his toughest opponent yet: incontinence.
FRIDAY: Here’s a gift idea for any last minute shoppers out there.
Down in Times Square this year the hookers are offering gift certificates.
I love Christmas time in New York.
Earlier tonight I saw a group of people caroling over at Grant’s Tomb.
I took my son Harry to Penny’s to meet Santa Claus the other day. He’s only three so it was pretty scary for him.
He was pretty scared and upset by the whole thing, but I told him not to worry and that everybody who gets that close to Daddy gets a body cavity search.
My son Harry is three and he’s old enough now to know about Santa Claus so the other night he asked me how Santa was going to get into our house on Christmas Eve.
I said, “Well, he’ll come through the chimney,” and Harry said “No, I mean, how’s he going to get past the attack dogs?”
My son Harry asked me today what kind of snack we should leave out for Santa on Christmas Eve.
Since I’ll be the one eating the snack I told him Santa would really enjoy a plate of Lipitor and a glass of Metamucil.
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December 14, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:16 am UTC
There’s a new study out that finds that you can burn 200 calories just by having sex.
That must be true because I usually work up a sweat just haggling over the price.
Earlier today I got a Christmas card from Regis.
It’s a lovely card. It has a picture of Regis surrounded by all of his money.
President Bush said this week that he won’t announce a new plan for Iraq until January.
Apparently he wants to wait until the Democrats take control of Congress before he asks them to come up with a plan.
President Bush said yesterday that he won’t be rushed into any decisions about a new plan for Iraq.
That’s right, he says before he makes a decision he’s going to take his time and carefully ignore all of his options.
Mel Gibson’s new movie Apocalypto is about the end of the Mayan civilization.
I actually learned a lot from this movie, like I had no idea that the Mayans were wiped out by a bunch of bad chalupas.
Mel Gibson’s new movie Apocalypto is the number one movie this week.
It’s a good newsd/bad news thing for Mel. The good news is he’s making a lot of money. The bad news is he has to hang out with a lot of Jewish accountants.
Here in New York City they’re saying now that the population is going to increase by another 1 million people over the next 25 years.
The good news is Mayor Bloomberg has a plan to restrict the population growth: a Taco Bell on every corner.
Here in New York City they’re saying now that the population is going to increase by another 1 million people over the next 25 years.
Experts are saying that we’re going to need more roads, more subways, more housing – and that’s just to handle the extra hookers.
Here in New York City they’re saying now that the population is going to increase by another 1 million people over the next 25 years.
Experts are saying that in order to handle the extra people we’re going to need more roads, more subways, more hookers…
Scientists in China recently discovered the 125 million-year-old fossil of a flying rodent.
What’s the big deal? Here in New York we’ve got rats that can drive.
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December 13, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:50 am UTC
Everybody here in New York City has Christmas fever.
Earlier today over at St. Patrick’s the priests were hanging mistletoe over the altar boys.
You can tell the Christmas season is in full swing.
Earlier tonight Nicole Richie admitted to being under the influence of eggnog.
You can tell the Christmas season is in full swing.
Earlier today Britney Spears was pictured sitting on Santa’s lap not wearing any underwear.
The Christmas season is here which means I have lots of people to tip.
Maybe you people can help me with this: how much should I tip the guy who dry cleans my hair?
Mel Gibson’s new movie Apocalypto, about the end of the Mayan civilization, is the number one movie.
I’m not sure this makes any sense, but the movie is doing so well they’re already talking sequel.
President Bush says he has a new plan for Iraq, but that he won’t announce it until January.
Sure, there’s no hurry; everything’s pretty stable in Iraq, anyway.
President Bush says that he’s going to announce a new plan for Iraq in January.
He’s confident he’ll have a new plan by then because it was on his list to Santa.
It was on this day three years ago that we captured Saddam Hussein.
Thank god we got him or things might really be unstable in Iraq.
The world’s oldest person died this week in Tennessee at the age of 116.
I believe the official cause of death was the Gordita Supreme.
Britney Spears has been going out with a new man.
It sounds serious. Witnesses say they saw her lip-syncing in his ear.
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December 12, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:44 am UTC
Nicole Richie was arrested yesterday for driving under the influence.
Legal experts say she probably won’t get any jail time, since she could just slip between the bars anyways.
Nicole Richie was arrested yesterday for driving under the influence.
The cop who pulled her over said she couldn’t recite the alphabet – but he didn’t say how he knew she was under the influence.
Nicole Richie was arrested yesterday for drunk driving.
Reports say her blood alcohol level was around ..08 – no, wait, that was her weight.
Jennifer Anniston and Vince Vaughn have split up.
Let’s see first she was with Brad Pitt and then Vince Vaughn. I figure she’s just one breakup away from getting down to my level.
Over in Iran this week they had a conference questioning the Holocaust.
It wasn’t all serious; earlier tonight they closed out the conference with Carrot Top.
NASA announced last week plans for a base on the Moon in 2020.
Today President Bush said we’d only stay there until the Moon people were capable of self-rule.
Scientists said this week that all the ice at the North Pole will be gone by 2040.
President Bush says this proves we’re winning the war against Eskimos.
Scientists said this week that all the ice at the North Pole will be gone by 2040.
They said if we don’t do something soon we could be faced with more Al Gore movies.
Scientists said this week that all the ice at the North Pole will be gone by 2040.
They also said at this rate the biggest hunk of ice left in 30 years will be Ted Williams’ head.
The NBA announced yesterday that they’re giving in to the players’ demands and getting rid of the new basketballs they introduced this season.
No word yet on the Knicks’ demand for bigger balls.
The lead singer of the children’s group the Wiggles has announced that he’s leaving the group because of health problems.
My son Harry likes the Wiggles, but I think something’s not right with them. Even Michael Jackson thinks they’re creepy.
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December 11, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:26 am UTC
MONDAY: Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto was the number one movie over the weekend.
Mel was in such a good mood today that he went on a happy tirade against the Jews.
MONDAY: Mel Gibson’s Apocalypto was the number one movie over the weekend.
I took mom to see Apocalypto and half way through the movie she turns to me and says, “David, when are they going to kill Jesus?”
MONDAY: Last week the Senate approved Robert Gates to replace Donald Rumsfeld as the Secretary of Defense.
Earlier today Rumsfeld did the ceremonial handing over of the leash.
MONDAY: Over in Iran this week they’re holding a conference questioning the Holocaust.
The turnout has been so good they’re already planning on holding another one next year in Atlantic City.
MONDAY: Over in Iran this week they’re holding a conference questioning the Holocaust.
That’s a bit like George Bush chairing a Mensa meeting.
MONDAY: Over in Iran this week they’re holding a conference questioning the Holocaust.
I believe the keynote address is being given by Mel Gibson.
MONDAY: Donald Rumsfeld made one last surprise visit to Iraq over the weekend.
He was there to say goodbye to the troops and to pass his resume around to various terror groups.
MONDAY: You can really tell the holiday season is in full swing.
Last night at my house we had our first group of carolers that I had to call the police on.
MONDAY: Down in Washington today President Bush had several strategy sessions about the situation in Iraq.
He’s having strategy session about Iraq with everybody these days. Tomorrow he’s going to brainstorm about Iraq with the cast of The View.
FRIDAY: Tonight was the first night of Hanukkah.
Earlier today down in Washington, D.C. a confused George Bush wished a Happy Hanukkah to all of his Muslim friends.
FRIDAY: Tonight was the first night of Hanukkah.
Earlier today down in Washington, D.C. when a reporter wished him a Happy Hanukkah President Bush said “Gesundheit.”
FRIDAY: Everybody here in New York is in the Hanukkah spirit.
This morning my cab driver was wearing a yarmulke on his turban.
President Bush is a really busy man these days.
Let’s see he’s got the situation in Iraq, he’s getting ready for the Democrats to take over Congress and he still hasn’t written his letter to Santa.
Congratulations to Vice President Dick Cheney whose gay daughter Mary is pregnant with her first child.
Sources say Dick Cheney was so happy to hear the news that he couldn’t wipe the sneer off of his face.
Congratulations to Vice President Dick Cheney whose gay daughter Mary is pregnant with her first child.
No details were released about how she became pregnant, but the rumor is that the contract was awarded to Halliburton.
Here in New York City cab fares recently went up.
What they did was they raised the rate you pay when you’re not moving. And if it works for the cab drivers they’ll try the same thing with the hookers.
Here in Manhattan there’s a place that’s charging $400 for a Christmas tree.
I believe it’s the priciest deadwood in New York City, other than the Knicks’ front court.
Here in New York City they’ve officially banned the use of artificial trans fats in restaurants.
They’re really getting health conscious here. Earlier today the Board of Health also put all of the rats on a diet.
Scientists in Austria have developed a robot that can make cocktails.
So, now I know what I’m getting mom for Christmas.
Yahoo has released their list of the most searched for things on the Internet and Britney Spears was number one.
I made the list, but I was a little lower down. I was just above Geraldo Rivera but below erectile dysfunction.
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