Chumworth on the News – 2006

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wrote a letter to the American people this week.

I read it and the English was poor and it wasn’t very coherent. For a few minutes I thought it was written by President Bush.

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad wrote a letter to the American people this week.

In the letter he says he hopes that American and Iranian people can work out their differences and that Kid Rock and Pamela Anderson can too.

Over at Rockefeller Center last night they lit the big Christmas Tree.

It’s decorated with 30,000 lights that it took a team of 50 guys more than a week to untangle.

Over at Rockefeller Center last night they lit the big Christmas Tree.

It’s lit with 30,000 lights and 500 extension cords daisy chained together.

Pam Anderson said that she wants handle her divorce from Kid Rock with dignity.

Sure, because when you think of Pam Anderson and Kid Rock you think “dignity.”

This week there were pictures on the Internet of Britney Spears getting out of her car not wearing any underwear.

I was embarrassed for her because her kid was right there in the driver’s seat.

This week there were pictures on the Internet of Britney Spears getting out of her car not wearing any underwear.

Britney said she’d never been that embarrassed, except after she married Kevin Federline.

Celebrity birthdays: Dick Clark turns 77 today.

He’s 77 years old today and experts that some parts of him may be even older than that.

Celebrity birthdays: Clay Aiken turns 28 today.

He celebrated by having dinner with his family and trying to convince them that he wasn’t gay.

Mel Gibson said this week that he feels sorry for Michael Richards.

He said the whole thing was the Jews fault anyways.

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President Bush met with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki today for a brainstorming session about the situation in Iraq.

You know things are desperate when you’re inviting George Bush to a brainstorming session.

President Bush is meeting today with Iraqi Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki to try and stop the fighting in Iraq.

They’re going to meet again tomorrow to see if they can stop the fighting between Pam Anderson and Kid Rock.

The Bush administration has banned the sale of luxury items to North Korea.

They’re banning the sale of real luxury stuff like iPods, plasma TVs and sliced bread.

The Bush administration has banned the sale of iPods, plasma TVs and Segway scooters to North Korea in order to aggravate Kim Jong Il.

And if that doesn’t work they’re going to take it up a notch and ban him from voting for “Dancing with the Stars.”

President Bush said yesterday that he won’t prematurely withdraw from Iraq.

If he did I believe he’d be the first president to prematurely withdraw since Bill Clinton.

President Bush said yesterday that he won’t pull U.S. troops out of Iraq until the mission is complete.

So, apparently, the mission is accomplished but not complete.

Snoop Dogg was arrested last night after police found guns and drugs in his car.

In his defense Snoop said he has no idea how that stuff got in his ca’shizzle.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced.

It looks like they’re really through because earlier today they put their home up for sale on cars.com.

Michael Richards said this week that he considers himself Jewish.

He must be Jewish because earlier today Mel Gibson apologized to him.

Japanese TV host Norio Minorikawa has set a world record for spending the most hours hosting TV shows.

Apparently Norio is Japanese for Regis.

Nicole Richie has been named the worst dressed celebrity by PETA for wearing lots of animal fur.

The good news I didn’t make the list because hairpieces don’t count.

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President Bush said today that the violence in Iraq is not a civil war.

He also said that Dick Cheney’s chest pains were only acid reflux, so take it with a grain of salt.

President Bush was in Latvia today attending a NATO summit.

He urged other NATO countries to do all they could to help bring Michael Richards under control.

Yesterday President Bush spoke on the phone with Chinese President Hu Jintao.

Aides say they discussed some of the big conflicts around the world like Darfur, Sudan and the Giants locker room.

Yesterday President Bush spoke on the phone with Chinese President Hu Jintao.

The call got off to a rough start when a confused President Bush tried to order spicy pork.

Celebrity birthdays: Our own Paul Shaffer turns 57 today.

We’re having a party for Paul here after the show and I’m really looking forward to being there for no longer than 10 minutes.

Celebrity birthdays: Our own Paul Shaffer turns 57 today.

Paul and I have known each other for so long when we first met we each actually had our hair.

There’s a new study out that finds that women talk three times as much as men.

I think that’s true because my dates used to always talk non-stop, and then I started paying extra for quiet ones.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced.

Kid Rock says he’s going to fight for visitation rights to her breasts.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced.

It’s the classic story: Kid Rock had the four-month itch.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after four months of marriage

Earlier today Pam called Britney Spears to find out what her secret was to a long marriage.

Pam Anderson and Kid Rock are getting divorced after four months of marriage

I guess it’s hard to find somebody as stable as Tommy Lee.

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MONDAY: President Bush left today for a two-day trip to Latvia.

The trip will be kind of like the Borat movie, but in reverse.

MONDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney was in Saudi Arabia this past weekend.

He was trying hard to win them over: he had on his most charming sneer.

MONDAY: Vice President Dick Cheney was in Saudi Arabia this past weekend.

It was a short visit: he was there just long enough to meet with Crown Prince Abdullah and to have a bypass operation.

MONDAY: Dick Cheney’s visit to Saudi Arabia was a very quick; he was there for less than a day.

Here’s how short his visit was: he’s had heart surgeries that took longer.

MONDAY: Michael Richards is really trying hard to make it up to the black community for his racist statements.

Earlier today he pledged to help O.J. find the real killers.

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: The Game turns 27 today.

He celebrated quietly with his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Game.

MONDAY: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are back from their honeymoon.

Tom was already back at work this morning being insane.

MONDAY: The Pope is in Turkey this week.

President Bush was shocked to hear this; he said he had no idea turkeys had their own country.

MONDAY: Yesterday after the Falcons-Saints game Michael Vick gave the finger to the Atlanta fans.

He apologized and said he thought he had seen Michael Richards in the crowd.

FRIDAY: President Bush was in Europe earlier this week for a NATO summit.

At the summit Bush pushed for NATO countries to make greater military commitments and more use of James Bond.

FRIDAY: President Bush was in Jordan today for talks with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki

That’s right, Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki, or, as Bush calls him, “Reverend.”

FRIDAY: President Bush was in Jordan today for talks with Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki

Interestingly former President Clinton was in Jordan once – without ever leaving the Oval Office.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Britney Spears turns 25 today.

She celebrated quietly with her family – her kids drove to a nice restaurant for dinner.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Britney Spears turns 25 today.

I thought this was nice: Kevin Federline sang Happy Birthday to her – along with the rest of the Olive Garden staff.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Woody Allen turns 71 today.

He celebrated by having a romantic dinner with his daughter.

FRIDAY: Over at my house this weekend I’ll be putting up the Christmas decorations.

I’ll put the colored bulbs in the watch tower lights.

It’s officially the Christmas season and everybody’s in the Christmas spirit.

Earlier today Madonna adopted an elf.

It’s officially the Christmas season and everybody’s in the Christmas spirit.

Earlier today Michael Richards got in trouble for making anti-elf comments.

The Christmas shopping season is here and people are crazy.

Women are fighting over bargains like Angelina Jolie and Madonna fighting over orphans in a refugee camp.

They say now that Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have become good friends.

They certainly have a lot in common: they’re both young, they’re both rich and they’re both good with their lips.

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Earlier today here in New York City they had the big Thanksgiving Day parade.

The parade went well; only three high school marching bands are missing.

Each of those big balloons at the Thanksgiving Day parade takes a team of 12 people with ropes to keep it under control in the wind.

No, I’m sorry, that’s Donald Trump’s hairpiece.

The Thanksgiving Day parade here in New York is great, but the crowds can be rough.

The crowds today were heckling Santa so badly he started shouting racial slurs at them.

We had the big Letterman family Thanksgiving meal earlier today.

Mom was there and made her special 100-Proof Gravy.

My mom is at my house for Thanksgiving.

When I got up this morning the house was filled with those wonderful Thanksgiving Day smells that I remember from growing up: turkey, cigarettes and whiskey.

My son Harry was so excited to help out around the house at Thanksgiving.

His job was to keep refreshing my mom’s glass of her special “medicine.”

Yesterday down in Washington President Bush pardoned the annual Thanksgiving Day turkey.

Yesterday he released them but earlier today due to low turkey levels, he was forced to recall them to duty.

O.J. Simpson says that his book that was just canceled called “If I Did It” was not a confession.

Sure, how could anybody have ever gotten that impression?

Two peace activists in San Francisco want everyone on December 22 to have an orgasm and think about world peace while it’s happening.

I’ll give it a try but all I can ever think about when I’m having an orgasm is how much it’s costing me.

Up on the International Space Station yesterday a Russian cosmonaut hit a golf ball during a spacewalk.

It was part of stunt to prove that even at 220 miles above the earth golf is still boring.

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Today is the busiest travel day of the year.

Here’s how busy it is: mom just got here today for last Thanksgiving.

Today is the busiest travel day of the year.

People traveling today said everybody was crabby and rude and unfriendly – and those were just the flight attendants.

Mom took the train from Indiana to New York City today for Thanksgiving.

Mom prefers the train to flying because Amtrak will let her bring on lipstick, toothpaste and a flask.

I have a whole bunch of relatives from out of town coming to stay at my house for Thanksgiving.

I spent today getting ready and counting all of the silverware and towels.

President Bush’s daughters Jenna and Barbara are in Argentina this week.

President Bush said the twins will only stay there until the people of Argentina are cable of self-partying.

President Bush’s daughter Barbara had her purse and cell phone stolen while she was visiting Argentina this week.

Argentina better watch out – President Bush has invaded countries for less than that.

President Bush’s daughter Barbara had her purse and cell phone stolen while she was visiting Argentina this week.

Apparently it happened while she was having dinner and the Secret Service agents didn’t see it because they were busy guarding her drinks.

It was 20 years ago today that Mike Tyson became youngest heavyweight champion.

For those of you were too young to remember Mike Tyson before he was heavyweight champ this may be hard to believe, but he really didn’t have his act together.

Last night in Los Angeles Britney Spears made a surprise appearance at the American Music Awards.

Kevin Federline was there too and they had an awkward moment when they bumped into each other at the valet parking station – but Britney just handed him her keys and it was over.

The government announced this week that 40% of babies born in the U.S. last year were born out of wedlock.

Isn’t that awful? I don’t know about you but I think there’s nothing sadder than two unmarried people having a child.

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Down at the White House today President Bush pardoned the annual Thanksgiving turkey.

That’s right – he told Karl Rove he was off the hook for the election.

Fox announced yesterday that they’re canceling O.J. Simpson’s new book and TV special due to negative public reaction.

In Fox’s defense, though, it’s not like they could have seen this type of reaction coming.

Fox announced yesterday that they’re canceling O.J. Simpson’s new book and TV special due to negative public reaction.

Now comes the hard part – somebody has to tell O.J.

Fox announced yesterday that they’re canceling O.J. Simpson’s new book and TV special due to negative public reaction.

Apparently O.J. took the news well; I mean, the guy who told him is still alive.

O.J. is taking the news about his book being canceled well.

He said he’s just looking forward to having a quiet Thanksgiving with his kids and carving the hell out of the turkey.

Now that O.J.’s book deal has fallen through you can tell he’s really hurting for cash.

I saw him on the street earlier today holding a sign that said “Will stab for food.”

The other day Michael Richards who played Kramer in Seinfeld had a racist outburst during his stand up comedy performance.

The good news is it hasn’t hurt his comedy career – he just got a gig opening up for John Kerry.

Yesterday Michael Richards who played Kramer on Seinfeld apologized for his racist comments at a comedy club last week.

So, all that’s left for him to do now is to pick something to go into rehab for.

Down in Times Square this week David Blaine is locked in a spinning gyroscope 50 feet above the ground for the next two days.

It’s a pretty crazy stunt. At the end of the two days, without any tools or help he says he’ll escape from the gyroscope, get down to the ground and pick up a hooker.

There’s a new study out that finds that male chimpanzees prefer to mate with older females.

They say they don’t think it applies to apes, because they’re pretty sure that Arnold Schwarzenegger is older than Maria Shriver.

Larry King says that he’s never used the Internet.

He said he still prefers old-fashioned mail order catalogues to shop for wives.

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MONDAY: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married in Italy over the weekend.

It was an emotional ceremony. Katie’s mom cried during the “I Dos” and her dad cried during the signing of the prenup.

MONDAY: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes got married in Italy over the weekend.

Witnesses say they had what seemed like a never ending kiss, but eventually Katie put Tom down and it was over.

MONDAY: Kirstie Alley was at the Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes wedding.

That explains the really tight security around the reception buffet.

MONDAY: Tom and Katie got a great deal on their airline tickets for the honeymoon.

They only had to buy one ticket since Tom can just sit in Katie’s lap.

MONDAY: So Tom and Katie are on their honeymoon this week in the Maldives.

Next week they’ll come home to their house and Katie will carry Tom across the threshold.

MONDAY: President Bush is back from his back trip to Vietnam.

He had such a nice time in Vietnam he’s considering invading it.

MONDAY: Air Force One had some mechanical problems in Vietnam and President Bush had to jump on a backup plane.

Former President Clinton once had a similar problem when he had to jump on a backup intern.

MONDAY: While President Bush was in Vietnam they said he very little contact with the Vietnamese people.

When former President Clinton was in Vietnam he had lots of contact with the Vietnamese people – at least part of his body did.

MONDAY: They said President Bush didn’t show much interest in learning about the local culture while he was in Vietnam.

When former President Clinton was in Vietnam he was very interested in the local culture; he was constantly sampling the interns.

MONDAY: President Bush is back from his eight day trip to Asia.

He spent last night in Hawaii, which he enjoyed, although he said he was disappointed he didn’t get to meet the president of Hawaii.

MONDAY: President Bush is back from his eight day trip to Asia.

He had such a good time he didn’t want to want come home, but the Democrats made him.

FRIDAY: Every year on Thanksgiving my mom comes to my house and every year on the day after Thanksgiving it’s the same thing.

She leaves me with a fridge full of leftovers and liquor cabinet full of empty bottles.

FRIDAY: I spent today like I do the day after Thanksgiving every year.

I called each of my family members and said “Mom didn’t mean what she said yesterday; it was the booze talking.”

FRIDAY: Nobody makes better Thanksgiving leftovers than my mom.

Tonight at my house mom will be making her famous Turkey Margaritas.

FRIDAY: Today is the biggest shopping day of the year.

I think it’s nice that for one day every year Americans can really let loose and spend a little cash.

FRIDAY: Now that the Christmas shopping season is here lots of stores are hiring extra part time help to work the cash registers.

So, finally, some good news for Kevin Federline.

FRIDAY: I went shopping earlier today and I spent $200 and I got poked, I got squeezed, I got manhandled.

That’s crazy – I usually only have to pay $50 to get treated like that.

FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Woody Woodpecker turns 66 tomorrow.

He’s still alive and doing well, but he’s like a lot of older guys: his pecker isn’t what it used to be.

Mel Gibson has been named the Coldest Person in Hollywood.

Did they even look at my audition tape?

Good news: unemployment here in New York City is way down.

Here’s how low unemployment is: the only people not working in New York City these days are the Knicks.

Bad news: the murder rate here in New York City is way up this year.

The good news is there’s never been a better time to be a chalk outline guy.

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Last night in London at the World Music Awards Michael Jackson performed on stage for the first time in years.

He sang with a group of young gospel singers and it seemed to go well – none of the kids have filed charges.

President Bush is in Asia for a visit this week.

It’s supposed to be an eight day trip, but now the Democrats are trying to bring him home sooner.

President Bush is in Vietnam this week.

He’s there to attend a summit of leaders of Pacific Rim countries because apparently Dick Cheney was too busy to go.

President Bush is in Vietnam this week.

He’s hoping this trip will lead to a productive dialogue with Vietnam and that it will count towards his National Guard service.

It was on this day in 2000 that Bill Clinton visited Vietnam.

Bill loved the Vietnamese women because they fit so easily under his desk.

O.J. Simpson has a new book coming out called “If I Did It” where he describes, hypothetically, how he would have killed his ex-wife and Ron Goldman.

It’ll be available at your local bookstore under “Nonfiction.”

A lot of people are asking why somebody would publish this new O.J. Simpson book.

I’m thinking because they probably didn’t want to get killed.

Over at the Vatican today Pope Benedict held a celibacy summit for priests.

Apparently he was trying to explain to them what celibacy means.

Biologists reported this week that they’ve been able to reconstruct the DNA of Neanderthals.

They say they hope to learn all sorts of stuff about Neanderthals like whether they spoke, what color their skin was and how one of them could get elected governor of California.

People magazine named George Clooney the Sexiest Man Alive for 2006.

Once again I was left off the list so I called People to complain. I said “You guys don’t think I’m sexy?” and they said “Sexy? We didn’t even know you were still alive.”

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Earlier today President Bush met with Russian President Putin during a stopover in Moscow on his way to Asia.

The good news is the meeting went well, but President Bush said this is the last time he buys his airlines tickets on Priceline.

O.J. Simpson has a new book coming out called “If I Did It” where he describes how he would have killed his ex-wife and Ron Goldman.

He’d better be careful or people might start to think he actually did it.

The president of Iran said yesterday that their nuclear energy program will be ready to go by February.

You can understand why Iran needs nuclear energy; it’s not like they’re sitting on a vast reservoir of natural energy resources or anything.

The president of Iran said yesterday that their nuclear energy program will be ready to go by February.

President Bush wasn’t happy to hear that; he wasn’t planning to invade until the summer.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married this weekend in Italy.

Security is going to be pretty tight; before the wedding each guest will be searched for anti-depressants.

Tom Crusie and Katie Holmes are getting married this weekend in Italy and we found out yesterday that they didn’t invite Oprah.

Tom, Katie, if you’re watching, please listen to me: invite Oprah now. Take it from me, you don’t want her mad at you.

Earlier tonight Michael Jackson appeared at the World Music Awards in London.

He was there to receive a special Lifetime Creepiness Award.

Earlier today Al-Jazeera launched an English-language channel.

I’m thinking if I want to watch a news channel run by a radical religious group I’ll just turn on Fox News.

Good news: a new study out finds that eating chocolate each day can reduce the risk of heart attack.

The bad news is Kirstie Alley has already put all the weight back on.

A new study out finds that the television industry is one of the biggest polluters in Los Angeles.

Here now are biggest causes of pollution by the television industry: on set generators, idling vehicles and the FOX prime time schedule.

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Earlier today President Bush left on an eight day trip through Asia.

Here’s where he’ll be going: Russia, Singapore, Vietnam, Indonesian and Hawaii. So, not a single place where he speaks the language.

Celebrity birthdays: Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice turns 52 today.

President Bush gave her a present last week – he didn’t fire her.

The Democrats say that once they take control of Congress they’re going to pull out our troops from Iraq, but the Republicans are going to fight it.

I believe this could be the biggest fight between the Democrats and Republicans over a pull out since Bill Clinton was president.

Over in Italy Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are busy getting ready for their wedding this weekend.

Earlier today Tom officially went to get fitted for his lifts.

Over in Italy Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are busy getting ready for their wedding this weekend.

Everything’s pretty much ready to go: the church, the flowers, Tom’s booster seat…

The Boston Red Sox have won the right to negotiate with Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka for $50 million.

That’s right, $50 million just for the right to negotiate with him. I believe that’s the most somebody’s paid without actually getting anything in return since CBS hired me.

The Boston Red Sox have won the right to negotiate with Japanese pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka for $50 million.

The Yankees dropped out of the bidding because they figured they need that $50 million to get a weak hitting first DH.

A California couple was recently arrested for fooling around on a plane.

They were charged with having a snake on a plane.

Yesterday in Queens they officially broke ground on the Mets new stadium.

It’s the biggest hole the Mets have dug for themselves since the playoffs.

Elton John said this week that organized religion should be banned because it’s anti-gay.

That’s crazy; who hires more gay people than organized religion?

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MONDAY: Down in Washington today President Bush met with the Iraq Study Group to discuss the Iraq war.

I believe it’s the first time President Bush has ever met with the Iraq Study Group – or any study group, for that matter.

MONDAY: This weekend was Veterans Day.

President Bush reportedly spent Veterans Day attending several military events, though none of the veterans can actually remember seeing him there.

MONDAY: Here in New York City this weekend they put up the big Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.

Here’s how they got the tree in there: a team of people strapped it onto a flatbed truck and drove it into the city; it’s the same way they get Rosie O’Donnell to The View.

MONDAY: Here in New York City this weekend they put up the big Rockefeller Center Christmas tree.

Now comes the hard part: untangling the world’s largest ball of Christmas tree lights.

MONDAY: Here are the details on the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree: it’s an 88-foot Norway spruce from Connecticut.

I believe it’s the biggest piece of deadwood to come to New York since Alex Rodriguez.

MONDAY: The Yankees traded Gary Sheffield to the Tigers for three minor league pitchers.

It’s just another example of the Yankees being unable to hold onto a high priced veteran.

MONDAY: The Yankees traded Gary Sheffield to the Tigers for three minor league pitchers.

The Yankees say these pitchers have lots of potential to someday be overpaid underachievers.

MONDAY: There’s been more fallout from last week’s election.

After the Republicans lost President Bush fired his Secretary of Defense and today he fired his Secretary of Rigged Voting Machines.

MONDAY: Last week George Bush got rid of Donald Rumsfeld and now there are rumors about Dick Cheney.

That’s right – they’re saying he may get rid of George Bush.

MONDAY: Congratulations to former President Gerald Ford who is now officially the longest-living U.S. president.

Gerald Ford, of course, was the only man to become president without being elected, other than George Bush.

FRIDAY: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Italy this weekend.

Tom’s going to be pretty busy; not only is he the groom, he’s also has to stand on the top of the wedding cake.

FRIDAY: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Italy this weekend.

Katie’s mom says she’s probably going to cry when Tom tells Katie to say “I do.”

FRIDAY: Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married in Italy this weekend.

I believe this will be Katie’s first marriage and Tom’s third divorce.

FRIDAY: The new James Bond movie “Casino Royale” opened today.

The say the new James Bond isn’t as tough as the previous ones. I think it’s true because the Bond girl in this one is Clay Aiken.

FRIDAY: They say the new James Bond movie was more low budget than usual.

Here’s how low budget it was: in this movie James Bond drives a Kia.

FRIDAY: They say the new James Bond movie was more low budget than usual.

Here’s how low budget it was: for the car chase scenes they just filmed some guys playing Grand Theft Auto.

FRIDAY: In the new James Bond movie we learn about James Bond before he became 007.

We learn that before he became 007 he was so bad with the women that his code name was 00-Zero.

The U.S. government says that Fidel Castro’s health is deteriorating so much that he’s unlikely to live through 2007.

That’s right, they say Fidel Castro is unlikely to live through 2007 – no wait, I’m sorry, that’s Dick Cheney.

Families in China are now only allowed to have one dog.

That’s right one dog per family in China, unless you’re having a lot of guests over for dinner, then you can have two.

Here in Manhattan the Navy says they’ll help pull the aircraft carrier Intrepid out of the mud so it can be moved for refurbishing.

They say if it they can get the Intrepid moving again they’ll try the same thing with the Knicks.

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Earlier today President Bush took responsibility for Republican losses in the election.

That’s right; he said he’s the Responsibilitier.

Donald Rumsfeld resigned yesterday.

Apparently he wants to spend more time torturing his family.

Yesterday President Bush nominated Robert Gates to be the next Secretary of Defense.

President Bush said he’s confident Robert Gates can do for the Defense Department what he did for Microsoft.

The bad news keeps coming for the Republicans.

First they lost control of the House, then the Senate and earlier today they officially lost control of rush Limbaugh.

Congratulations to Nancy Pelosi who’s going to be the new Speaker of the House

I believe she’s the first female speaker this country’s ever had, other than Oprah.

Congratulations to Nancy Pelosi who’s going to be the first female Speaker of the House

Here’s what she’s got at the top of her legislative agenda: the Iraq war, the economy and guys who leave the seat up.

You can tell President Bush is in a very conciliatory mood.

Earlier today he had lunch with Nancy Pelosi and tomorrow he’s having a sit down with The View.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are getting divorced.

K Fed’s already having a hard time. Earlier today I saw him on the street holding a sign that said “Will do nothing for food.”

Britney Spears told Kevin Federline she wanted a divorce by a text message.

She said she just didn’t have the heart to lip sync it to his face.

Celebrity birthdays: Nick Lachey turns 33 today.

I thought this was nice: Jessica Simpson gave him a birthday present – a 20% tip at the Olive Garden.

Scientists announced this week that they have evidence that Neanderthals once mated with humans.

Apparently they’ve been able to verify without a doubt that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have children.

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Yesterday was Election Day and the Republicans were the big losers.

I believe the Republicans haven’t lost a popular vote this badly since Al Gore beat George Bush.

The Republicans are saying that there were lots of glitches with voting machines yesterday.

Apparently the main glitch was they weren’t rigged.

There were widespread reports of voting glitches with those new computerized voting machines yesterday.

Here’s how screwed up computerized voting was: Joe Lieberman was elected to another term on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Congratulations to Hillary Clinton who reelected to the senate yesterday.

Everybody here in New York is excited to send Hillary back to Washington for six more years – especially Bill.

You can already tell the election has hit Republicans hard.

Earlier today I saw a former Republican congressman on the street with a sign that said “Will hit on pages for food.”

Britney Spears has filed for divorce from Kevin Federline.

That’s right, she officially lip-synced him the bad news yesterday.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are getting divorced.

Britney is expected to get custody of the kids; no word yet on who gets custody of Kevin Federline.

Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are getting divorced.

Apparently Britney had enough of him so she packed his bags and had her son drive him to a motel.

Earlier today there was a Transit of Mercury, where Mercury crosses between the Earth and the Sun.

The last time the Transit of Mercury happened was in 2003 and the next times it happens will be in 2016 – no, wait, I’m sorry, that’s when I have sex.

P. Diddy says that someday he would like to play James Bond.

He’s already picked out the name of his first Bond movie: Diddy with the Golden Gun.

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Maybe it’s me, but it seems like the Christmas season starts earlier and earlier every year.

Earlier today I saw them putting up Christmas decorations outside of Grant’s Tomb.

Tomorrow is Veteran’s Day.

Here’s how President Bush is going to spend Veteran’s Day: he’ll spend a few hours with the troops and then go home. It’s the same thing he did in the National Guard.

Everybody here in New York is in a Veteran’s Day spirit.

Hillary Clinton was wearing a camouflage pants suit.

Everybody here in New York is in a Veteran’s Day spirit.

Earlier today my cab driver was wearing his Iraqi Republican National Guard turban.

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are getting married next week in Italy.

Here’s the schedule: they’ll have a Catholic ceremony on the 17th, a Scientology ceremony on the 18th and sometime in the spring they’ll have an amicable separation.

It was on this date in 1792 that the cornerstone of the White House was laid.

I believe it was the biggest thing to get laid at the White House until Monica.

Scientists say that we’re going to run out of seafood by 2048.

The good news is this won’t affect Red Lobster at all.

New York recently granted $15,000 to farms to buy mattresses for retired cows.

What they’re doing is buying a few old mattresses from Kirstie Alley.

Here in New York this week they tried to move the aircraft carrier Intrepid but they couldn’t because it’s been stuck in the mud for the last 25 years.

I believe the only thing in New York that’s been in a rut longer than the Intrepid is this show.

Before they tried to move the Intrepid this week they had a nice ceremony with some of the sailors from World War II who served on the ship.

I thought this was nice: after the ceremony the sailors went down to Times Square and picked up the same hookers they did back in World War II.

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Congratulations to Marilson Gomes dos Santos of Brazil who won the New York City Marathon yesterday.

I got to congratulate him personally this morning when I got into his cab.

Yesterday here in New York City was marathon day.

I love the marathon because it’s the day when thousands of runners from all over the world come to New York City to urinate on the sidewalk.

Yesterday here in New York was Marathon Sunday.

The marathon is always a multi-day event. Marathon Sunday is always followed by Police Report Monday.

Tomorrow is Election Day

It’s not looking good for the Republicans; it looks like they may lose control of both the House and Senate pages.

Dick Cheney said he’s going to spend Election Day tomorrow hunting.

Apparently, instead of last minute campaigning for Republican candidates he’s just going to try and gun down a few Democrats.

Yesterday in Iraq Saddam Hussein was found guilty of crimes against humanity and sentenced to death.

I believe he’s the first dictator to be found guilty since Martha Stewart.

Yesterday in Iraq Saddam Hussein was found guilty of crimes against humanity and sentenced to death.

Legal experts say the biggest problem Saddam had was that the trial wasn’t in California.

Earlier today they moved the World War II aircraft carrier Intrepid from Manhattan to New Jersey for a refurbishing.

It took 5 tugboats with 22,000 horsepower to dislodge it from where it was sitting. It’s the same way they got Star Jones off of The View.

Ted Haggard, the president of the National Association of Evangelicals, resigned last week after he was accused of having sex with a male prostitute.

The bad news is his career as a minister is over. The good news is he has a bright future as a priest.

Ted Haggard admitted that hired a male prostitute but says he was just experimenting.

Apparently, he just wanted to see what it would be like to be a Republican politician.

Tom Cruise and his partner made a deal last week to take over United Artists.

Here’s how it’ll work: Tom’s partner will be in charge of the day-to-day operations and Tom will be in charge of creeping out the actresses.

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I don’t like to talk about people when they’re not here, but last night’s audience was mean and nasty.

They were so angry that halfway through the show they demanded an apology from John Kerry.

John Kerry apologized yesterday for making a bad joke about the troops in Iraq.

I haven’t seen anybody take this kind of a beating for making a bad joke since I hosted the Oscars.

John Kerry has canceled his plans to campaign for Democrats running in next week’s elections.

He said the the Democrats will have to blow the election on their own this time.

Yesterday President Bush said Donald Rumsfeld will remain Secretary of Defense until the end of his presidency.

You know what that means – he’s never going to make it until the end of Bush’s presidency.

Yesterday President Bush said Dick Cheney will remain Vice President until the end of his presidency.

Actually he said he’ll be Vice President until either the end of his presidency or until his pacemaker gives out, whichever comes first.

Courtney Love says that Mel Gibson helped her to get sober.

That’s right, she says that if it weren’t for Mel Gibson she wouldn’t be sober and she wouldn’t hate the Jews.

Earlier this week Oprah Winfrey gave $1,000 to everybody in her audience.

We can’t afford to do that, but the good news is you can keep whatever loose change you find in your seat cushion.

Donald Trump has been fined for having an 80-foot flagpole in front of his Florida estate.

Forget the big ugly thing in his yard; how about fining him for that big ugly thing on his head?

Donald Trump has been fined for having an 80-foot flagpole in front of his Florida estate.

City officials say it’s big, it’s ugly, it’s over the top – in other words it’s just like his hairpiece.

An Australian company has developed new enhancing underwear for men.

They say it works by lifting, separating and extending. Sounds to me like once you put it on you won’t even need a woman.

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Here’s a piece of advice for all you kids out there: if study hard and you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well.

If you don’t, you get stuck hosting a show like this.

Last night I took my son Harry trick-or-treating for the first time.

He did really well; we stopped by Oprah’s house and he got a new car and $1,000.

Iran is now offering to pay $20 for each American who comes to visit Iran.

The good news is that should help defray the costs of the invasion.

North Korea has agreed to come to the table for nuclear weapons talks with the U.S.

Now they have an awkward problem: do you seat the crazy dictator next to the leader of North Korea?

Yesterday NASA announced they’re going to send the space shuttle to fix the Hubble telescope.

They say once it’s fixed the Hubble can be used to find the origins of the universe. I’m thinking how about just using it to find Osama bin Laden?

Yesterday NASA announced they’re going to send the space shuttle and astronauts to fix the Hubble telescope.

Today President Bush said if it works for the Hubble he’ll try the same thing in Iraq.

A new study out finds that there’s been a substantial drop in men’s testosterone levels here in the U.S.

Here’s what they think has caused the drop in testosterone: more overweight people, fewer people smoking, and too many seasons of “Dancing with the Stars.”

Bob Barker announced that he’s retiring as host of “The Price is Right.”

Now that Bob is retired I officially have the easiest job at CBS.

Bob Barker announced that he’s retiring as host of “The Price is Right.”

He’s not retiring completely. He’s lined up a part time job hosting the bingo game as his retirement home.

A new study out finds that married people have more sex than anybody.

The bad news is married people are having all that sex with other people.

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