Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
October 31, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:55 am UTC
You can really tell it’s Halloween here in New York City.
This morning on my way to work I was mugged and beaten by Batman.
Every Halloween my mom likes to give out homemade treats to the kids.
This year’s homemade treat: jello shots.
Every Halloween I like to scare the kids that come by my house.
This year I really scared them. On my front porch I put a TV that was playing “An Inconvenient Truth.”
Tonight was the first Halloween that my son Harry went trick-or-treating.
He wanted to go as Donald Trump, so I put him in a suit, gave him my briefcase and put one of my old hairpieces on his head.
Tonight was the first Halloween that my son Harry went trick-or-treating.
And last night I took him out for the first time to toilet paper Regis’s house.
Yesterday Oprah Winfrey gave everybody in her audience a $1,000 debit card.
We give away money to our audiences, too, but that’s just to get them to come in.
Dick Cheney recently said that torturing terrorists was a “no-brainer.”
Well, at least that explains why President Bush is for it.
St. Louis has been ranked as the most dangerous city in the country.
That’s too bad because this is the kind of thing that could really hurt the St. Louis tourist industry.
Scientists in Oregon have found a 100 million-year-old fossil of a bee.
They say it’s the oldest pest ever found – other than Regis Philbin.
This week in Florida a 15-year-old kid stole a bus, drove it along a route, picked up passengers and collected fares.
The passengers said they became suspicious when the bus showed up on time.
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October 30, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:36 am UTC
MONDAY: Congratulations to the St. Louis Cardinals who won the World Series over the weekend.
I’m telling you, it’s really starting to look like the Yankees aren’t going to pull it out this year.
MONDAY: A wind storm here in New York City over the weekend knocked out power to a quarter-million people.
It was the biggest power outage in New York since the Yankees performance in the playoffs.
MONDAY: It’s been really windy here in New York City.
It’s been so windy that I had to use the extra strength glue to keep my hairpiece on.
MONDAY: My son Harry is 3 and he’s going trick or treating for the first time this year.
I’m so excited about it that I’m leaving work early on Halloween so my assistant can take him trick-or-treating.
MONDAY: My son Harry is 3 and he’s going trick or treating for the first time this year.
He loves Star Wars and wants to go as Chewbacca so I made him a costume from my old hairpieces.
MONDAY: Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki said last week that America does not own him.
That’s true – I think technically Halliburton owns him.
MONDAY: Last week a suspicious substance was found at former President Bill Clinton’s office in Manhattan.
It turned out to be non-toxic, but it was a close call. I believe it was the closest call Bill has had at work since Hillary almost walked in on him and intern in the Oval Office.
MONDAY: Last a suspicious substance was found at former President Bill Clinton’s office in Manhattan.
The good news is Bill wasn’t there when it was discovered because he was out on a date.
MONDAY: This weekend was the time to turn back the clocks.
President Bush is a big fan of turning back the clocks. Since he’s been president he’s managed to turn the clock back by about 50 years.
MONDAY: Former Celtics coach Red Auerbach died this weekend at the age of 89.
Let this be a lesson, kids – cigars can kill you.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson’s brother Randy is 45.
He celebrated with all of his sisters: Janet, Latoya, Michael…
FRIDAY: Election Day is coming up on Tuesday.
Both parties are campaigning hard. The Democrats are out kissing babies and the Republicans are out kissing male pages.
FRIDAY: Experts are saying that the Republicans may lose the election on Tuesday.
President Bush said he isn’t worried, since he lost the election in 2000 and that wasn’t a problem.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: First Lady Laura Bush turns 60 tomorrow.
President Bush has a planned a nice celebration with family and friends. Now if only he’d put that kind of planning into the Iraq war.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: First Lady Laura Bush turns 60 tomorrow.
President Bush has planned a big birthday party for her and awarded the catering contract to Halliburton.
Last week the New Jersey Supreme Court ruled that gay couples have the right to get married.
I can tell gay marriage is legal in New Jersey now because earlier today over at Crate and Barrel I saw two mob guys registering for gifts.
We learned recently that Vice President Dick Cheney uses hand sanitizer after he shakes somebody’s hand.
So far here’s what we know about him: he’s got a bad heart, he’s got a bad temper, and he constantly uses hand sanitizer. It’s like I have a twin.
Snoop Dogg was arrested last week for possession of drugs.
He says he’s innocent and he’s going to plead not-g’shizzle.
Snoop Dogg was arrested last week for possession of drugs.
The charges are pretty serious. If he’s convicted he could get up to 5 years in the big hizzle.
A new study finds that one third of the public school cafeterias in New York City have mice.
The other two thirds only serve chicken.
A new study finds that one third of the public school cafeterias in New York City have mice.
The good news is the city has promised to get the mice out of the school cafeterias. The bad news is mice are the only meat that you can get in the school cafeterias.
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October 12, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:18 am UTC
President Bush said yesterday that he has no plans to attack North Korea.
He said he can’t speak for Dick Cheney, but he definitely has no plans to attack.
President Bush said yesterday that he has no plans to attack North Korea.
That settles that because if there’s one thing we know about President Bush it’s that he doesn’t do anything without having a well thought out plan first.
Earlier this week the FBI busted up a call girl operation in Washington, D.C. that was patronized by politicians.
The good news is it wasn’t a call boy operation
Katie Holmes says that she’s already bought her wedding dress for her marriage to Tom Cruise.
The dress was specially modified so the veil is over her stomach so Tom can reach it.
Earlier today on Good Morning America they interviewed Mel Gibson.
The good news is he said it’s been 65 days since the Jews made him drink.
Earlier today on Good Morning America they interviewed Mel Gibson.
You can tell he’s a changed man; he said he’s stopped drinking and he’s forgiven the Jews.
The U.S. government says that we’ll keep our troops in Iraq though 2010.
No word yet on how long we’ll be keeping our troops in Iran.
A lawyer in Ohio was arrested this week after he was caught walking around the courthouse naked.
He had a good explanation – he said he just forgot his briefs.
A 64-year-old woman in Turkey recently gave birth to a baby, making her the second oldest mother in the world.
The father said he’s busy changing diapers and cleaning up drool – and he says taking care of the baby is a lot of work too.
Here in New York City restaurant prices are way up.
Here’s bad it is: over at the Hello Deli Rupert now offers financing.
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October 11, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:42 am UTC
Everybody here in New York City has Mets fever.
Earlier today outside of Flashdancers I saw them let Mr. Met cut to the front of the line.
Everybody here in New York City has Mets fever.
Down at the Hello Deli they’re offering a special on the orange and blue potato salad.
Condoleezza Rice said earlier today that the U.S. has no plans to attack North Korea.
You know what that means – we’re planning to attack North Korea.
As a result of last week’s nuclear test, Japan is now barring imports of any North Korean products.
So, I guess for now Japan will have to import crazy from somewhere else.
U.S. intelligence experts believe that the nuclear weapon North Korea tested last week was very small.
Here’s how small it was: apparently the North Korean bomb produced less fallout than the Yankees loss to the Tigers.
U.S. intelligence experts believe that North Korea’s nuclear weapon test last week was only about a half-kiloton.
Earlier today President Bush said it didn’t how many tons it would kill, he was still mad.
The Yankees said yesterday that Joe Torre won’t be fired.
Joe said he’s looking forward to coming back next year and dropping A-Rod even further in the batting order.
The National Weather Service says this winter should be pretty mild.
Earlier today President Bush said this proves that global warming is working.
A new study out finds that women dress up their sexiest when they’re most fertile.
I think this is true for me, too, because I know when I’m feeling fertile, that’s when I break out my nicest hiarpiece.
A new study out finds that when women are at they’re most fertile is when they wear their sexiest clothes and show the most skin.
That’s why we call Times Square the Sea of Fertility.
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October 10, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:23 am UTC
It was another lovely day here in New York City.
It was so nice today the Yankees didn’t mind being on the golf course.
More bad news out of North Korea.
Earlier today they successfully tested their first bag of tainted spinach.
North Korea is now threatening to fire nuclear tipped missiles at the U.S. if we don’t meet their demands.
Here are their demands: they want an end to economic sanctions, they want face-to-face negotiations, and they want Joe Torre fired.
The U.S. is considering banning the sale of alcohol to North Korea as a way to bring Kim Jong Il under control.
It’s not a bad idea; it’s the same thing we did to bring Mel Gibson under control
President Bush is guaranteeing a strong response to the bomb North Korea dropped earlier this week.
President Bush is really steamed up because earlier today he also guaranteed a strong response to the bomb the Yankees dropped in the playoffs.
Intelligence experts say that the nuclear weapon North Korean tested was actually small and unimpressive.
In their defense North Korea said the weapon was actually much bigger than it seemed, but it was cold out that day.
There are reports now that Fidel Castro is dying from cancer.
The good news is Cuban officials said he’s getting the best medical care 1959 has to offer.
If Fidel Castro dies his brother Raul will officially be in charge of Cuba.
I believe he would the first guy to be given control of a country by his brother since – George Bush.
So far this year Americans have won all six Nobel Prizes that have been awarded.
That’s right, 6-for-6 in Nobel Prizes and we still have a president who can’t say “nuclear.”
The world’s 15th largest diamond was sold for more than $12 million this week.
It’s 603-carats. To put that into perspective, it’s so big that it could get Kobe Bryant off the hook for two affairs.
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October 9, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:08 am UTC
MONDAY: North Korea tested a nuclear bomb this weekend, which is viewed as a direct threat to South Korea.
President Bush was shocked to hear this; he had no idea there were two Koreas.
MONDAY: North Korea tested a nuclear bomb this weekend
President Bush has promised to react quickly with a poorly thought out response.
MONDAY: North Korea tested a nuclear bomb this weekend
I believe it was the biggest bomb that’s been dropped since Brad dumped Jen.
MONDAY: Boy, you can really tell fall is here in New York City.
It’s dark, it’s cold, it’s lifeless – and that’s just Yankee Stadium.
MONDAY: The Yankees lost to the Tigers in the first round of the playoffs.
I just hope this makes them finally loosen up the purse strings.
MONDAY: Since the Yankees season is over, earlier today at Yankee Stadium they packed up all the stuff to store if for next year.
That’s right they boxed up all the gear for the winter: the bats, the gloves, the hot dogs…
MONDAY: They say now that the Yankees want to trade Alex Rodriguez.
He’s going to be hard to trade because he makes too much money and he never comes out on top. It’s the same reason I’m still at CBS.
MONDAY: Happy Columbus Day!
My mom was in town for Columbus Day and we celebrated like we always do: I drove her to an Indian reservation to buy no tax cigarettes.
MONDAY: It was in 1492 that Columbus that sailed to America on the Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria.
And it was in 1992 that former President Clinton hooked up with a Nina, a Pinta and a Santa Maria.
FRIDAY: Today is Friday the 13th.
I’m not superstitious but I got nervous this morning because on my way to work a big, black cat crossed my path – but then I realized it was just a rat.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Floyd Landis turns 31 tomorrow.
His family made him his favorite cake: chocolate with the testosterone icing.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Floyd Landis turns 31 tomorrow.
Here’s what his family gave him for his birthday: a big party, lots of presents and a urine test.
The government is now telling people to throw out their lettuce because of E. coli.
Between the spinach and the lettuce the only green leafy food left at the Hello Deli is the lunch meat.
The other day President Bush christened a new aircraft carrier named after his father, the USS George H. W. Bush.
Here’s what we learned about the new ship from President Bush: it’s over 1,000 feet long, it costs $6 billion and it’s apparently the first nuculer powered aircraft carrier.
The other day President Bush christened a new aircraft carrier named after his father, the USS George H. W. Bush by smashing a big bottle of champagne against its bow.
I believe it’s the first time a president has banged something that big since Bill Clinton.
The other day President Bush christened a new aircraft carrier named after his father, the USS George H. W. Bush.
The whole family was in tears when he smashed one of those oversized bottles of champagne against the bow – especially the Bush twins.
Out in California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger recently debated his opponent for the upcoming election.
The debate was pretty even. His opponent won the immigration and taxation portion of the debate, but Arnold won the clean and jerk.
Out in California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger recently debated his opponent for the upcoming election.
Arnold did pretty well. Whenever his opponent made a good point Arnold countered by putting him in a headlock.
There are rumors now that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to get married soon.
Apparently Tom was seen at a fancy store in LA getting fitted for a tuxedo in the junior men’s department.
There are rumors now that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are going to get married soon.
Apparently it’s true; they’ve already picked out matching divorce lawyers.
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October 5, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:26 am UTC
It was a beautiful, cool fall day today here in New York City.
It was so chilly this morning that when I took my son Harry to preschool he said his ears were cold so I let him wear my hairpiece.
Everybody here in New York City has baseball fever.
Over at the Hello Deli they’re offering a special playoff deal: all sandwiches come with a free side of rosin.
Everybody here in New York City has baseball fever.
Down in Times Square the hookers are offering a special playoff deal: each hooker comes with free performance enhancing drugs.
There are rumors now that North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il has two identical doubles, who’ve had plastic surgery to look like him and are trained to speak and act like him, to stand in for him at public appearances.
I’m telling you it’s like I have a twin.
The Mets are without Pedro Martinez for the rest of the playoffs and Orlando Hernandez for at least the division series because of injuries.
The Mets are taking action; they’ve already fired their steroid guy.
The Census Bureau now says that New York City has a population of 8.2 million.
So there’s 8.2 million living in the city, and millions more who commute in – and those are just the rats.
A Japanese man recently recited pi to 100,000 decimal places.
It’s a new world’s record – he’s officially the biggest loser in the world.
Madonna has adopted a 1 year-old boy from the African nation of Malawi.
The adoption won’t be final until they do some blood tests to make sure there aren’t any diseases – and the kid has to be tested too.
Paris Hilton says she was punched in the face by the ex-wife of her boyfriend.
Eyewitnesses said they haven’t seen Paris go down like that since her sex video.
Tomorrow in Las Vegas they’re going to open the first new Playboy Club since the last one closed in 1988.
I’m thinking this is the kind of thing that could give Las Vegas a reputation for being sleazy.
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October 4, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:41 am UTC
Yesterday ex-Congressman Mark Foley blamed sending inappropriate emails to male pages on the fact that he was molested as a child by a clergyman.
So, let’s see, first he blamed it on alcohol and now he’s blaming it on the clergy. By tomorrow he’ll be blaming it on the Jews.
Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice was in Israel today for peace talks.
Earlier today the Bush Administration denied it.
Last night during the Yankees win over the Tigers Derek Jeter was 5-for-5 and got a standing ovation.
The only people booing Jeter last night were Tiger fans and Alex Rodriguez.
Bob Woodward has a new book out about the Bush Administration.
President Bush says he no plans to read the book – or any other book.
There are reports now that detainees at Guantanamo Bay are getting fat from overeating.
It must be true because earlier today al Qaeda declared a holy war on low carb diets.
North Korea said this week that they’re going to test a nuclear bomb sometime soon.
Earlier today President Bush that’s OK, but they’d better not test any nuculer bombs.
North Korea said this week that they’re going to test a nuclear bomb sometime soon.
I believe this will be the biggest test of a bomb since they test screened Gigli.
Yesterday the Dow Jones industrial average hit a record high.
To put it into perspective, if the Dow Jones industrial average were a person, it would’ve been Whitney Houston.
The Census Bureau now says that New York City has a population of 8.2 million.
At this rate the people may soon outnumber the rats.
Yesterday a Turkish plane was hijiacked and forced to land in Italy.
The passengers said it was a horrible experience and that they were abused and scared the whole time – and the hijackers said flight attendants were mean to them, too.
Yesterday a Turkish plane was hijiacked and forced to land in Italy.
The good news is nobody was hurt, but the snakes were pretty shaken up.
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October 3, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC
It was another lovely, fall day here in New York City.
It was such a nice that Mark Foley sent an erotic email to Al Roker.
It was 11 years ago today that O.J. was found not guilty of murder.
He had a low-key celebration – he didn’t kill anybody.
It was 11 years ago today that O.J. was found not guilty of murder.
I believe that would make it one of the oldest unsolved crimes, if it was actually unsolved.
It was 11 years ago today that O.J. was found not guilty of murder.
So, if the real killer is watching, your time is running out.
Bob Woodward has a new book out about the Bush Administration that’s full of inside information.
He won’t reveal the source of his information but his code name is Clogged Artery.
Celebrity birthdays: Ashlee Simpson is 22 today.
Her former brother-in-law Nick Lachey helped sing happy birthday to her – along with the rest of the Olive Garden staff.
Scientists in Australia have developed a new contraceptive dart to curb the population of koalas.
They say if it works for koalas they’ll try it on Britney Spears and Kevin Federline.
A judge in Massachusetts has put out an arrest warrant for Bobby Brown for unpaid child support payments.
Authorities say he’s considered armed and extremely unmarketable.
This week President Bush is expected to sign a bill outlawing Internet gambling.
It’s looking like he’s going to sign it – the odds online are running 2-1 for it.
This week President Bush is expected to sign a bill outlawing Internet gambling.
My mom isn’t too happy about it; she’s already been calling around trying to find a bookie to take her “Survivor” bets.
Out in Alameda, California a clown is running for mayor.
I’m thinking, why not? We’ve already got a clown for a president.
Ashton Kutcher said this week that former president Bill Clinton tried to hit on his wife, Demi Moore.
The good news is at least he’s hitting on better looking women.
Ashton Kutcher said this week that former president Bill Clinton tried to hit on his wife, Demi Moore.
Ashton got suspicious when Bill invited her back to his place to see the new carpet under his desk.
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October 2, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:02 am UTC
Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement.
I’m not Jewish but I still celebrate the Day of Atonement, except I call it Mother’s Day.
Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement.
So, in the spirit of Yom Kippur, let me start by apologizing in advance for tonight’s show.
Today is Yom Kippur, the Jewish Day of Atonement.
So, for all you Jewish people out there, today’s your day to try and make it up to Mel Gibson.
Because it’s Yom Kippur, everybody’s in a real apologetic mood.
Earlier today Paramount apologized for “Jackass 2.”
Michael Jackson and his ex-wife have settled their custody dispute over their kids.
Here’s the deal: half the time the kids will be with mommy and the other half of the time they’ll be with weird mommy.
Michael Jackson and his ex-wife have settled their custody dispute.
It was a classic custody dispute; they couldn’t agree over who gets custody of the llamas.
Celebrity birthdays: Martha Stewart’s magazine, Martha Stewart Living, is 15 years old.
Martha and her staff celebrated 15 years of making the rest of us feel totally inadequate.
The government says it’s OK to start eating spinach again.
They also said it’s OK to start feeling guilty about not eating spinach again
Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld says that he’s not going to resign.
He says he doesn’t want to spend any more time with his family.
Congratulations to Scarlett Johansson who was named “Sexiest Woman Alive” by Esquire magazine.
Congratulations, also, to Joan Rivers, who was named “Sexiest Woman Not Alive.”
Scientists announced this week that they’ve analyzed the tape from the first moon landing and they now know for sure what Neil Armstrong’s first words from the moon were.
Here now is the exact quote: “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind and, by the way, I just saved 15 percent on my car insurance by switching to Geico.”
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