Chumworth Jokes Submitted to the Late Show
From
July 2003 until
October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the
LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN.
I wrote and submitted about
10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used.
But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get
paid for it!
Dave is one of my top two
all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It
never, ever got old.
This section displays
all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is).
Use the
archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the
search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.
Jokes highlighted in
bold were
used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention.
You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by
Jay and
Carson and
Jimmy) on my
Late Night Jokes page.
Enjoy!
August 30, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:18 am UTC
Thirteen years ago today we did our first show on CBS.
Boy, time sure flies when you’re mailing it in.
Thirteen years ago today we did our first show on CBS.
Let’s see, that’s 13 years, over 2,500 shows and 6 hairpieces.
Yesterday in Nevada the FBI arrested a guy who has 40 wives.
40 wives – I think the insanity defense is a slam-dunk.
Yesterday in Nevada the FBI arrested a guy who has 40 wives.
He was found with a cell phone, $50,000 in cash and 40 grocery shopping lists.
Yesterday in Nevada the FBI arrested a guy who has 40 wives.
The bad news for this guy is it looks like he won’t be going home any time soon. The good news for this guy is it looks like he won’t be going home any time soon.
Jessica Simpson’s doctor has ordered her not to sing because she has a bruised vocal chord.
The good news is it doesn’t affect her lip syncing, so she can keep touring.
Jessica Simpson’s doctor has ordered her not to sing because she has a bruised vocal chord.
He’s also ordered Nick Lachey not to sing, just because he sucks.
A woman in China crashed her car last week while she was letting her dog drive.
The bad news is the dog was killed. The good news is she said he made a tasty dinner.
Scientists in Japan have developed a way for mice to give birth to rats.
I don’t want to get my hopes up, but it sounds like we may finally have a solution to our rat shortage problem!
There’s a new study out that finds obesity is up in 31 states.
More bad news: those 31 states ate the other 19 states.
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August 29, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:37 am UTC
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has challenged President Bush to a televised debate.
I think it would be interesting to see a crazy, religious leader debate the President of Iran.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has challenged President Bush to a televised debate.
Earlier today President Bush made a counter-proposal: he challenged him to a rib eating contest.
Congratulations to the team from Columbus, Georgia, who won the Little League World Series last night.
They beat the Red Sox 2-1.
Officials in Colorado say they’re not going to charge John Mark Karr with the murder of JonBenet Ramsey.
Apparently his DNA didn’t match, so the only thing the DA can charge him with now is first degree creepiness.
Now that John Mark Karr won’t be charged, everybody’s wondering again who really killed JonBenet Ramsey.
Everybody has a different theory. Earlier today Mel Gibson blamed the Jews.
Officials in Colorado say they may send John Mark Karr back to California to face child pornography charges.
Back to California to face charges – so, in other words, he’s as good as free.
Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson turns 48 today.
Michael celebrated quietly, with a few close chimps and llamas.
Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson turns 48 today.
He celebrated with a wild party at Chuck E. Cheese’s.
Celebrity birthdays: Michael Jackson turns 48 today.
His friends got him one of those big novelty cakes and had a 12-year-old boy jump out.
It was on this day in 1896 that chop suey was invented here in New York City.
To celebrate over at Rupert Jee’s Hello Deli you can get a plate of the original batch.
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August 28, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:47 am UTC
MONDAY: Last night in Los Angeles they had the Emmy Awards.
The Emmy Awards are a time for everybody in TV to get together and be happy for whoever wins – it’s the best acting you’ll see all year.
MONDAY: Last night in Los Angeles they had the Emmy Awards.
I was nominated for an Emmy for Best Performance by a Guy with a Hairpiece.
MONDAY: Last night in Los Angeles they had the Emmy Awards.
I didn’t win last night, which means that once again the only people who heard my acceptance speech were my cats.
MONDAY: I didn’t win an Emmy Award last night.
I knew I was I wasn’t going to twin when my complimentary gift basket only had a gift certificate to Arby’s.
MONDAY: Last night at the Emmys HBO was first with 9 Emmys, NBC was second with 6 and CBS was fifth with 2 Emmys.
So 6 Emmys for NBC and 2 Emmys for CBS; nice move, Katie.
MONDAY: President Bush was in New Orleans today to mark the one year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina.
Coincidentally, today was also the day FEMA finally arrived.
MONDAY: NASA had to scrub the launch of the space shuttle this weekend.
NASA blamed bad weather and Mel Gibson blamed the Jews.
MONDAY: Former President Gerald Ford underwent a successful angioplasty procedure last week.
The good news is he’s doing well and we finally have proof that a Republican can have a heart.
MONDAY: It 99 years ago today that the Post Office was founded.
And I believe it was 99 years ago tomorrow that the Post Office first raised the price of a stamp.
MONDAY: Yesterday Iran test fired a new long-range missile.
Apparently it was a test of their camel-to-surface missile technology.
MONDAY: Tropical storm Ernesto was due to hit Cuba today.
After it leaves Cuba meteorologists say they expect Ernesto to head straight for Florida in a converted ’49 Buick.
FRIDAY: Labor Day weekend is coming up, which is the unofficial end of summer.
I can tell summer is over because Mom has put away her margarita blender and taken out her martini shaker.
FRIDAY: Labor Day weekend is coming up, which means it’s back to school time.
Earlier today I was in a store and they were having a big sale on back-to-school supplies: paper, pencils, condoms…
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Dr. Phil turns 56 today.
I sent him a lovely card and he called to say the card showed I had nice taste and real mother issues.
The U.S. Open is going on this week here in New York.
Everybody here in New York has tennis fever. Today on my way to work I was mugged and racket-whipped.
There was a fire at Michael Jackson’s Neverland Ranch last week.
The fire started like most fires do: a chimp was smoking in bed.
Over in Egypt they recently moved an 83-ton 3,200-year-old statue of Ramses II to a new location near the Great Pyramids.
It took a team of 1,500 people and two flatbed trucks to move the statue to its new location – it’s the same way they got Star Jones off of The View.
Scientists say that the genitals of polar bears in Greenland are shrinking.
They say it’s caused by too many industrial pollutants and too much “Dancing with the Stars.”
A 116 year old woman in Ecuador died this week.
She was believed to be the oldest person in the world, except for certain parts of Joan Rivers.
Elton John says he wants to start writing hip hop music.
He’s already picked out a hip-name: Gay-z Gay.
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August 24, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:27 am UTC
It was another beautiful day in New York City today.
It was so nice this morning that I decided to walk to work rather than siphon gas from my neighbor’s car.
The Emmy Awards are coming up Sunday night.
We’ve been nominated for an Emmy again this year. I’ve already been practicing my acceptance speech in front of my cats.
Yesterday the Bush administration said they had problems with Iran’s response to the U.N. demands regarding it’s nuclear program.
President Bush said for one thing their response wasn’t even in English.
This just in: John Mark Karr now claims that he’s responsible for the death of the Red Sox.
The International Astronomical Union announced today that from now on Pluto will be referred to as a “dwarf planet.”
In response, Pluto said it would really prefer being referred to as a “little planet”.
The International Astronomical Union announced today that Pluto will no longer be considered a planet.
Some people aren’t too happy about it. Earlier today Mel Gibson blamed the Jews.
Yesterday it was announced that in the new season of Survivor they’re going to split the contestants up based on race.
I’ve seen Survivor and I think they should just split everybody into two groups: losers and really big losers.
It was on this day in 1814 that British troops invaded Washington, D.C.
By 1815 British troops had left the country – so at least they had an exit strategy,
Scientists said this week that the hole in the ozone layer over the top of the planet will take longer to repair than they previously thought.
The good news is they think they can cover the hole by combing over it with some ozone from the back and sides.
Paris Hilton said this week that she cries when she listens to her new CD.
Coincidentally, that’s the same reaction I have whenever I watch my own show.
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August 23, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:40 am UTC
The Little League World Series is going on this week.
Don’t kid yourself; those Little Leaguers really are stars. Apparently they can’t leave the stadium without being hounded by hordes of priests.
The team from Staten Island was knocked out of the Little League World Series yesterday.
The good news is they still have a 5 game lead over the Red Sox.
Paramount Pictures announced this week that they’re cutting ties with Tom Cruise.
Tom is so unhappy about it he called Brooke Shields to ask for some antidepressants.
Paramount Pictures announced this week that they’re cutting ties with Tom Cruise.
Tom says despite this he’s still going forward with his next movie project: “Mission Impossible 4: Resurrecting His Career.”
A new study shows that number of overweight kids in America has tripled since 1980.
Here’s how serious that is: experts say all that extra weight can reduce kids’ life expectancies and their chances of having sex with their teachers.
A new study shows that only 28 percent of American kids have a daily physical education class at school.
That doesn’t count having sex with a teacher.
Congratulations to P. Diddy, who’s girlfriend is expecting a baby.
Diddy says he hasn’t chosen a new name yet – not for the baby, for himself.
Celebrity birthdays: Kobe Bryant turns 28 today.
Here’s how much fun he had on his birthday: he’s already planning to spend tomorrow jewelry shopping for his wife.
A Russian mathematician who was awarded the Fields Medal for solving the famous Poincare conjecture didn’t show up to the awards ceremony to accept his award this week.
So apparently the guy can solve the Poincare conjecture, but he can’t get a date.
A gay and lesbian group says that there are only nine gay characters depicted on network-TV shows.
The good news is the our show was listed as one of the shows with a gay leading character.
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August 22, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:22 am UTC
It was another beautiful day here in New York City today.
It was so nice today that over at St. Patrick’s the priests were sitting on the front stoop whistling at boys.
The Little League World Series is going on this week.
Earlier today the team from South Korea completed a five game sweep of the Red Sox.
The Little League World Series is going on this week.
There’s already been some controversy. Earlier today three kids tested positive for Cracker Jack.
The Little League team from Saudi Arabia has a kid who’s 6’8” tall and weighs 256 pounds.
Apparently he has the same personal trainer as Barry Bonds.
I love watching the Little League World Series because it’s like a miniaturized version of major league games.
The field is smaller, the game is shorter and they eve use smaller steroid needles.
Some people believe that today, August 22, is the day the world ends.
Not everybody believes that. For example, Red Sox fans believe the world ended last weekend.
The Yankees swept a five game series from the Red Sox over the weekend and now have a 6 1/2 game lead in the division.
The Red Sox are going to really have to knuckle down if they’re going to blow it in October this year.
President Bush said this week that if we pull our troops out of Iraq now it would be a disaster.
Well, sure, if ain’t broke don’t fix it.
Former President Gerald Ford had a pacemaker implanted this week.
His doctors say it’s touch and go and he could die at any minute – no, I’m sorry, that’s what Dick Cheney’s doctors say.
It was on this day in 1902 that Teddy Roosevelt became the first U.S. president to ride in a car.
Teddy Roosevelt was the first president to ride in a car and I believe Bill Clinton was the first president to ride a cow.
A cruise ship in Alaska pulled into port this week with a whale pinned to its bow.
The captain was shocked – he had no idea how one of the passengers got pinned to the bow.
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August 21, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:32 am UTC
MONDAY: Well, it was another weekend filled with massacres and killings – but enough about the Yankees-Red Sox.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President Bill Clinton turned 60 this weekend.
He’s not happy about turning 60, but the good news is now he can get an AARP discount at Hooters.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President Bill Clinton turned 60 this weekend.
He celebrated with good friends and loved ones – and then he celebrated with Hillary.
MONDAY: “Snakes on a Plane” was the number one movie over the weekend.
I saw the movie and the snakes are mean and nasty and everybody on the plane is afraid of them – no, I’m sorry, those are the flight attendants.
MONDAY: “Snakes on a Plane” was the number one movie over the weekend.
What happens in the movie is there are these snakes on a plane and they become really mean and nasty when they don’t get their in-flight snack.
MONDAY: Everybody here in New York has “Snakes on a Plane” fever.
When I was coming to work this morning on the subway there was a guy with a snake – until the police told him to put on some pants.
MONDAY: Mel Gibson has been sentenced to three year’s probation for drunk driving.
The good news is Mel’s already busy on his next movie project – “Jews on a Plane.”
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Al Roker turned 52 yesterday.
He said he expected his birthday to be fun, with only a 20 percent chance of being disappointed.
MONDAY: The man suspected of killing JonBenet Ramsey was flown from Thailand to California this weekend.
So now he’s in California – score one for the defense.
MONDAY: The man suspected of killing JonBenet Ramsey was flown back to the U.S. this weekend in first class, with champagne and gourmet meals.
It really was first class – there weren’t even any snakes on the plane.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 75 today.
You probably know Regis as the host of every TV show that’s ever been on.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 75 today.
A woman came up to me on the street today and said “Happy Birthday, Regis!” and before I could tell her who I was she said “Boy, you don’t look a day over 70!”
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Regis Philbin turns 75 today.
Earlier today he was on his own show interviewing himself.
It looks like Hillary Clinton is getting ready to run for president.
All the signs are there: she’s raising lots of money, hiring extra staff, and buying new pants suits.
One of Osama bin Laden’s former mistresses says that he was obsessed with Whitney Houston and wanted to have her husband Bobby Brown killed.
He wanted to have Bobby Brown killed? Well, I guess he’s not such a bad guy after all.
We’ve learned this week that Osama bin Laden likes Playboy magazine.
In his defense, though, he says he only gets it for the in-depth interviews.
We’ve learned this week that Osama bin Laden likes Playboy magazine and is obsessed with Whitney Houston.
So here’s what we now know about Osama bin Laden: he lives in a secret, remote location, he likes pornography and he’s obsessed with Whitney Houston – it’s like I have a twin.
The FDA has approved a new bacteria-killing virus that can be sprayed on lunch meat to kill microbes.
Over at the Hello Deli Rupert Jee has been doing something similar for years. What he does is he rubs all the cold cuts with hand sanitizer.
Workers at a candy company in California have found a chocolate dripping that looks like the Virgin Mary.
So far the drippings have attracted hundreds of pilgrims and Kirstie Alley.
The Guinness Book of World Records has named Paris Hilton the most overrated celebrity in the world.
That’s not fair; I’ve been overrated for much longer than she has!
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August 17, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:47 am UTC
Here in New York City Starbucks reportedly has a problem with rats in their stores.
I think it’s true because I saw a rat in Starbucks earlier today – he was ordering a latte grande.
The new movie “Snakes on a Plane” opens tomorrow.
With the recent threats to air travel the producers are already planning an even scarier sequel: “Toothpaste on a Plane.”
Bill Clinton is busy getting ready for his 60th birthday this weekend.
All the party plans are made. All he needs to do now is find a date.
Up in the Bronx this week they began construction on the new Yankee Stadium.
I just hope the new stadium will finally allow the Yankees to compete with other teams.
Up in the Bronx this week they began construction on the new Yankee Stadium.
A number of historic parts of the old stadium will be moved over to the new stadium, like the facade, the grass and the hot dogs.
Britney Spears says that her second pregnancy wasn’t planned.
She said she wasn’t careful and it was an accident – just like her marriages.
Katie Couric is getting ready for her debut as the anchor of the “CBS Evening News.”
Katie says she’s looking forward to doing the news here at CBS because at NBC they weren’t allowed to make stuff up.
The Department of Labor has come out with their annual list of the most dangerous jobs.
Here are top three most dangerous jobs in the U.S.: fisherman, logger, and Dick Cheney’s hunting partner.
The Department of Labor has come out with their annual list of the most dangerous jobs.
Here are top three most dangerous jobs in the U.S.: fisherman, logger, and Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
The Census Bureau reported this week that 60 percent of the population of New York City is now foreign born.
I can tell there are more and more foreigners in New York City. It’s getting harder and harder to find somebody who can speak Spanish.
Three Mexican fishermen were rescued in the Pacific Ocean this week after being lost at sea for over nine months.
Officials said the men are doing well but it will be a couple of weeks before they’ll be able to sneak back into the United States.
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August 16, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:35 am UTC
Israel has agreed to withdraw its troops from Lebanon within 10 days.
It’s all part of a U.N. brokered agreement that includes peacekeeping troops. It’s the same way they got Star Jones off of The View.
Former President Bill Clinton is turning 60 in a few days.
Here’s the scary thing about Bill Clinton getting older: we all saw what kind of women he went for when his eyesight was good.
Bill Clinton says he’s unhappy about turning 60 in a few days.
He says he’s already having trouble with his short-term memory, like keeping his stories straight with Hillary.
The man who shot Ronald Reagan, John Hinckley, Jr., is asking a judge to let him spend more time with his family.
More time with his family? He really is insane.
Yesterday British police caught 12-year-old boy who had managed to board an airplane without a passport, ticket or boarding pass.
Tony Blair praised the police and said this proves we’re winning the war against tweeners
Former President Gerald Ford has been admitted to the hospital.
President Bush was shocked to hear this: he had no idea Gerald Ford used to be the president.
The International Astronomical Union announced this week that they’ve found three new planets in the solar system.
Experts say this could have huge implications for the Styrofoam ball industry.
The International Astronomical Union announced this week that they’ve changed the official definition of a planet.
Here are the new criteria for an object to be a planet: it must be round, it must orbit the sun and it must at least as large as Kirstie Alley.
It was 29 years ago today that Elvis died.
It was a real shock because, really, who could’ve seen that coming?
Celebrity birthdays: Madonna turns 48 today.
She may be 48 but she has the body of a much skankier woman.
Congratulations to Katie Blair who was crowned Miss Teen USA 2006 last night.
Here’s what she wins: a college scholarship, a free wardrobe, and one year of passes by Donald Trump.
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August 15, 2006.
Web Posted at: 11:34 am UTC
Good news. The U.N.-brokered cease fire seems to be holding over at The View.
Here’s a question: do you think it’s too early for me to start stalking Kate Hudson?
We had miserable weather in New York City today.
It was so miserable today that Mel Gibson blamed the Jews for the weather.
Down in Arkansas they’re busy getting ready for Bill Clinton’s birthday later this week.
It’s so hot down there right now that Hillary went out and bought a linen pants suit for the event.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad now has his own blog.
He says he’s going to use it to denounce the U.S. and to give his American Idol picks.
Sunday night on “60 Minutes” Mike Wallace interviewed Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.
Did you see it? He was long winded and boring and he didn’t make any sense – and the President of Iran wasn’t too good either.
Celebrity birthdays: Ben Affleck turns 34 today.
He had a big party with lots of friends and relatives. I believe he hasn’t attracted a crowd that big since “Good Will Hunting.”
Boy George is picking up trash in Manhattan all week as part of court-ordered community service.
I believe he’s the first celebrity to pick up this much trash since Colin Farrell.
Boy George is picking up trash in Manhattan all week as part of court-ordered community service.
His community service includes picking up trash and not recording any more music.
Boy George is picking up trash in Manhattan all week as part of court-ordered community service.
Mayor Bloomberg says it proves we’re winning the war against washed-up, transvestite pop singers.
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August 14, 2006.
Web Posted at: 10:35 am UTC
MONDAY: Finally, some good news from the Middle East today.
The U.N. has brokered a cease fire between Israel and Mel Gibson.
MONDAY: Last week in Great Britain police disrupted a terrorist plot to blow up a bunch of airplanes over the Atlantic Ocean using household gels and pastes.
Apparently they became suspicious when they discovered a number of British citizens buying tooth paste.
MONDAY: The Transportation Security Administration has banned airline passengers from bringing liquids on flights.
So, for now, the only liquids that can be carried on a plane are baby formula, certain medications and the pilot’s drinks.
MONDAY: I had to fly this weekend and since they tightened security it was pretty unpleasant.
People were bitchy, impatient and unhelpful – and those were just the flight attendants.
MONDAY: Yesterday in Washington a woman was arrested for carrying a prohibited weapon outside the White House.
Apparently she was caught wielding a large tube of toothpaste.
MONDAY: President Bush is in Texas on a 10-day vacation.
10 days for President Bush is hardly a vacation; it’s more like a long weekend.
MONDAY: White House officials said that President Bush is reading Albert Camus’s “The Stranger” while he’s on vacation.
Yeah, right.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Fidel Castro turned 80 yesterday.
In honor of his birthday the Cuban government released a picture of Castro. You can tell it’s a recent picture because his sitting in a ’49 Buick.
MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Fidel Castro turned 80 yesterday.
The good news is he had a big cake with 80 candles on it. The bad news is when he blew out the candles the whole country went dark.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President Bill Clinton turns 60 tomorrow.
His buddies are getting him one of those big cakes and they’ve hired an intern to jump out.
FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President Bill Clinton turns 60 tomorrow.
Hillary’s planning a romantic evening for the two of them; she even bought a sexy new pants suit.
Here in New York City they’ve increased the security on the subway.
I can tell security on the subway is much tighter. This morning on my way to work a guy on the subway tried to give me a body cavity search.
Floyd Landis was stripped of his Tour de France victory after he tested positive for high levels of testosterone.
The good news is they didn’t find an ounce of testosterone in any of the French riders.
Floyd Landis was stripped of his Tour de France victory after he tested positive for high levels of testosterone.
So the bad news is it looks like his cycling career is over. The good news is he’s got a bright future in baseball.
Down in Cuba Fidel Castro is recovering from recent intestinal surgery.
I thought this was nice: President Bush sent him a “Get Dead Soon” card.
Down in Cuba Fidel Castro has transferred power of the country to his brother Raul while he recovers from intestinal surgery.
Coincidentally, I believe that’s also the plot of a new CBS sitcom this fall.
President Bush just had his annual physical.
His doctors say he shows absolutely no sign of having heart disease, cancer or a clue.
President Bush just had his annual physical and his doctors say he’s very healthy.
They say he’s got the body of a much smarter man.
President Bush just had his annual physical and his doctors say he’s very healthy.
He attributes his good health to eating right, exercising, and not working.
Martha Stewart is having trouble selling her farmhouse in Connecticut.
She’s so desperate to unload the place that she’s lowered the price and offered to throw in some insider information.
An 81-year-old man was arrested trying to smuggle 80kg of cocaine into the US.
President Bush said this proves we’re winning the war against old guys.
Here in Manhattan there’s a bust of Hillary Clinton at the Museum of Sex.
Coincidentally, the Museum of Sex also has a bust of Bill Clinton, but his is in the Hall of Fame wing.
Paris Hilton was bitten last week by her pet kinkajou.
Paris is fine but the kinkajou is still undergoing a battery of tests.
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