From July 2003 until October 2009 I wrote and submitted monologue jokes to the LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN. I wrote and submitted about 10 jokes for each show they taped, the vast majority of which were not used. But a couple of times each month (sometimes more, sometimes less) Dave would use one on air and I would get paid for it!

Dave is one of my top two all-time comedy heroes, so it was an honor and a privilege to hear him tell a joke I wrote. Every single time. It never, ever got old.

This section displays all of the jokes I submitted over the years, in all their glory (such as it is). Use the archive links at the lower left to jump to a specific month, or the search box to look for jokes on a certain topic.

Jokes highlighted in bold were used on air (sometimes after further modification), though I don't remember when I started using this convention. You can see all of my jokes that were used on air by Dave (as well as those told by Jay and Carson and Jimmy) on my Late Night Jokes page.

Enjoy!

(assuming the U.S. loses to Ghana today)

President Bush returned home today from his European trip.

He went to Europe for a couple of days, made a few appearances then came home – no, I’m sorry, that was the U.S. soccer team.

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We learned this week that North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il’s son Kim Jong-Chol is a big fan of Eric Clapton.

Experts say he’s probably not going to be the next leader of North Korea unless he starts acting a lot more crazy.

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We learned this week that North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il’s son Kim Jong-Chol is a big fan of classic rock.

Today North Korea announced that they’ve developed the ability to produce their own version of “Cheeseburger in Paradise.”

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We learned this week that North Korean leader Kim Jong-Il’s son Kim Jong-Chol loves classic rock and that his body produces excessive amounts of female hormones.

It’s like I have a twin.

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Yesterday the Senate voted down a bill to raise the minimum wage.

So, more bad news for Nick Lachey.

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(assuming the U.S. loses to Ghana today)

Earlier today at the U.S. was officially eliminated from the World Cup after losing to Ghana.

Like most Americans I was completely shocked: I had no idea we were in the World Cup.

–

(assuming the U.S. beat Ghana today)

Earlier today at the World Cup the U.S. beat Ghana.

The good news for Ghana was that after the match three players were adopted by Angelina Jolie.

(assuming the U.S. loses to Ghana today)

Earlier today at the World Cup the Ghana beat the U.S.

More good news for the Ghana team: after the match three players were adopted by Angelina Jolie.

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Scientists say that the San Andreas fault is under immense stress and Los Angeles is due for a major earthquake at any moment.

And…?

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Phoenix was recently named the sweatiest city in America.

It replaced last year’s most sweaty city, which was wherever Michael Moore took his summer vacation.

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Kevin Federline is campaigning against a bill in Congress to eliminate the penny.

It’s not surprising since Britney pays him his allowance in pennies.

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It’s been hot and sweaty here in New York City.

It was so hot today that Angelina Jolie decided to adopt an Eskimo kid.

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Today’s the official first day of summer.

It’s the longest day of the year that doesn’t involve a roast turkey and end with me writing somebody out of my will.

–

The bad news about it being summer is that it’s officially tourist season here in New York City.

The good news is summer is the time all the rats go to the Hamptons.

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President Bush is in Austria today meeting with the leaders of 25 European nations.

He’s excited about it because it means he gets to tell his “If you’re on the potty and you’re not American, then you’re-a-peein’” joke 25 times.

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President Bush is in Austria today trying to convince European leaders to eliminate agricultural subsidies in order to promote global free trade.

Yeah, he has no idea what that means either.

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Regis Philbin has been elected to the Academy of Television Art & Sciences Hall of Fame.

Apparently, he made it by this much (hold fingers close together) – because if he was this much shorter he wouldn’t have made the height requirement.

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Congratulations to the Miami Heat who won the NBA title last night.

The Heat are an exciting team filled with talented young stars who’ll someday be overpriced has-beens with the Knicks.

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President Bush said this week that we will not prematurely withdraw from Iraq.

I believe the last president to withdraw prematurely was – Clinton.

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Yesterday NASA named Pamela Ann Melroy to be the second woman shuttle commander on a flight next year.

She’ll be the second woman to command a shuttle flight – at least from the front seat.

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Scientists announced this week that they’ve been able to make paralyzed rats walk.

Talk about a dream come true!

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It’s really hot here in New York City.

It was so hot that earlier today over at the Statue of Liberty they put her in a halter top.

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It’s really hot here in New York City.

It was so hot today that over at St. Patrick’s the priests put margarita salt around the edge of the baptismal font.

–

President Bush is going to Europe tomorrow for a summit with European leaders.

He spent all day today brushing up on his European.

–

North Korea has developed a long range ballistic missile.

The bad news is the missile could reach California. The good news is it would pretty much solve our illegal immigrant problem.

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North Korea developed a long range ballistic missile that could reach California.

Today President Bush called it the single biggest threat facing the citizens of Mexico.

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A showdown between the U.S. and North Korea could be scary.

After all, one country is led by a crazy guy who wasn’t democratically elected and the other country is North Korea.

–

Nicole Kidman and Keith Urban announced yesterday that they’re engaged.

I believe this will be his first and her second divorce.

–

China announced this week that they plan to put a man on the moon by 2024.

That’s right, they say they’ll put a man on the moon by 2024 – and they say he won’t be carrying more than $20 in cash.

–

Here in New York City they’re adding 300 parking meters that take credit cards.

And if it works for parking meters then they’ll try it with the hookers.

–

It’s officially tourist season here in New York City.

So if you’re a New Yorker and you see a tourist on the street remember there’s only kill allowed per household.

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MONDAY: I’m wearing my Father’s Day present from Harry. Can you tell what it is?

That’s right �" he got me a new toupee.

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MONDAY: My son Harry served me breakfast in bed for Father’s Day.

He brought me my cereal, my newspaper and my teeth.

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MONDAY: I had a great Father’s Day.

Harry got me a mug that says “World’s Oldest Dad.”

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MONDAY: I had a great Father’s Day.

Harry got me a mug that says “World’s Best Grandpa.”

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MONDAY: Yesterday was Father’s Day.

Michael Jackson’s kids got him a mug that says “World’s Creepiest Dad.”

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MONDAY: President Bush was in town today to speak at the Merchant Marine Academy graduation.

Every time President Bush is in town everything comes to a complete halt and nobody gets any work done �" it’s the same thing that happens when he’s in Washington.

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MONDAY: President Bush was in town today to speak at the Merchant Marine Academy graduation.

It was a lot like his trip to Baghdad last week: it was very short, security was really tight and he couldn’t speak the language.

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MONDAY: Over at the World Cup this weekend the U.S. team tied Italy.

So here’s what the U.S. needs to move on to round two: we have to beat Ghana on Thursday, Italy has to beat the Czech Republic and the goal differential �" ahh, who cares?

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MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Paul McCartney turned 64 yesterday.

I feel badly for Paul McCartney �" there’s nothing sadder than an old, single guy who has a small child.

–

MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Paul McCartney turned 64 yesterday.

The bad news is he’s getting divorced. The good news is he’s now rich enough and old enough for Anna Nicole Smith.

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FRIDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas turns 58 today.

The other justices threw him a party and Ruth Bader Ginsburg gave him a lap dance.

–

It’s been really hot and steamy here in New York City.

Here’s how hot and steamy it is: earlier today over on Fifth Avenue I saw a bunch of rats bust open a fire hydrant.

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It’s been really hot and steamy here in New York City.

It was so hot and sweaty today that on my way to work my cab driver sweat through two turbans.

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Here’s what I like to do to beat the heat on days like today.

I get a nice big Italian ice from one of those street vendors and I pour it right down my pants.

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Last week in Colorado a guy was arrested for getting too close to Dick Cheney.

Don’t kid yourself, it was a dangerous situation; Dick Cheney was this close to shooting the guy.

–

Last week in Colorado a guy was arrested for getting too close to Dick Cheney.

Earlier today a guy was arrested for getting too close to Condoleezza Rice.

–

Forbes magazine has ranked Elvis as the top earning dead celebrity.

I’m not sure if this is good news or bad news, but I was number ten on the list.

–

There’s new information now that Al Qaeda was planning to release poison gas on the New York City subways, but they called it off at the last minute.

Apparently they realized that the subways are already filled with toxic smells, so what’s the point?

–

Forbes magazine has rated Tom Cruise as the world’s most powerful celebrity.

Here are the criteria they used to rank celebrities: salary level, industry influence and degree of insanity.

–

Britney Spears has denied a rumor that she’s going to have her baby in Namibia.

When she was asked about it in an interview, she very emphatically lip-synced “No!”

–

Here in New York City the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Intrepid is going to be moved from its dock on the West Side for refurbishing.

They say it will take at least a half a dozen tug boats to move it �" it’s the same way they take Michael Moore jet skiing.

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There are so many exciting events on TV this weekend that I’m having a hard time deciding what to watch.

I’ve got it narrowed down to one of these: U.S. Open golf, World Cup soccer – or the Booknotes marathon on C-SPAN.

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The government announced this week that $1.4 billion in aid to Katrina victims was spent on things like booze, parties and hookers.

That’s right, Katrina victims spent $1.4 billion of taxpayer money on booze, parties, and hookers �" no wait, I’m sorry, that’s what was spent by Ted Kennedy.

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We’re learning more and more about the new leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq, Abu Hamza al-Muhajir.

Here’s what we now know about him so far: he was born in Egypt, trained in Afghanistan and was recently named one of People magazine’s hottest bachelors.

–

We learned this week that former President Clinton now makes $350,000 every time he makes a speech.

I believe the only time he pulled down 300 large when he was president was when he bagged Monica.

–

We learned this week that former President Clinton made $7.5 million in speaking fees last year.

He’s doing so well that he went out and bought Hillary a whole new wardrobe of pants suits.

–

A guy who bought a bathroom vanity from Home Depot last week found large quantities of marijuana and cocaine hidden inside.

President Bush this proves we’re winning the war against home improvement.

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A guy who bought a bathroom vanity from Home Depot last week found large quantities of marijuana and cocaine hidden inside.

Earlier today Lowe’s announced their vanities will now come with large quantities of heroin.

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A guy who bought a bathroom vanity from Home Depot last week found large quantities of marijuana and cocaine hidden inside.

It was all just a misunderstanding; the vanity was supposed to be delivered to Courtney Love.

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Over in Indonesia yesterday Mount Merapi erupted.

I believe it’s the biggest thing to blow since Monica.

–

People magazine has named their list of hottest bachelors.

I made the list this year. I was ranked above Andy Rooney, but below Michael Jackson.

–

Physicist Stephen Hawking says that the world is going to end and we’re all going to have to live in outer space.

Some people are already planning for that day; for instance, Michael Jackson has been living on another planet for years.

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Yesterday President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq.

It went so well that today he made another surprise visit to a place you’d never expect to see him: the Oval Office.

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Yesterday President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq.

He spent a few hours with the troops and then came home. It was just like his National Guard service.

–

Yesterday President Bush made a surprise visit to Iraq.

I’m thinking if we want to get things under in control in Iraq we’d be better off sending Dick Cheney and his hunting rifle.

–

Members of Congress have voted themselves a 2 percent pay increase.

That’s not much. That’ll barely pay for a new pants suit for Hillary.

–

Bad news: the government says violent crime in the U.S. was way up last year.

Here are the categories with biggest increases: murders, rapes and getting shot by the vice president.

–

Good news: here in New York City murders were down again last year.

The bad news is today the city laid off ten more chalk outline guys.

–

Celebrity birthdays: Donald Trump turns 60 today.

He’s got the hair of a much younger man �" literally.

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Celebrity birthdays: Donald Trump turns 60 today.

He doesn’t look a day over ridiculous.

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Out in Los Angeles yesterday Daryl Hannah was arrested for sitting in a tree to try and save an urban garden from developers.

They finally got her out of the tree by having Arnold Schwarzenegger pull the tree to the ground.

–

A High School student in Virginia recently set a U.S. record by memorizing 10,980 digits of pi.

He said memorizing the numbers took up all of his free time when he wasn’t studying, sleeping or getting the crap beaten out of him.

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President Bush made a surprise visit to Baghdad today.

Just to be safe he was surrounded by armed guards: the Army, the Secret Service, and Dick Cheney.

---

President Bush made a surprise visit to Baghdad today.

He only stayed for five hours so at least he had an exit strategy.

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Yesterday Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajer was named the head of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

Earlier today he got a congratulatory phone call from President Bush.

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Yesterday Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajer was named the head of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

Here’s the deal: he’ll serve for four years – or until we blow up his ass.

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Yesterday Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajer was named the head of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

The good news is that means here in New York City there’s a cab medallion up for grabs.

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Yesterday Sheikh Abu Hamza al-Muhajer was named the head of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

He made the announcement himself on his MySpace page.

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Yesterday officials in Iraq named the official cause of death of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi .

He was riding on a motorcycle with Ben Roethlisberger.

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Yesterday at the World Cup the U.S. lost to the Czech Republic.

The good news is nobody here in America saw the game.

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Yesterday at the World Cup the U.S. lost to the Czech Republic.

For those who don’t understand the World Cup here’s the deal: if the World Cup were the NBA, we’d be the Knicks.

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Celebrity birthdays: The Olson Twins turn 20 today.

They celebrated by having dinner.

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MONDAY: Over in Iraq this weekend they performed an autopsy on Abu Musab al-Zarqawi to determine his official cause of death.

They say they’ve narrowed down the cause of death to either the first 500-pound bomb that landed on him or the second 500-pound bomb that landed on him.

---

(obviously, the following joke assumes the U.S. loses it’s WC match today)

MONDAY: The U.S. lost to the Czech Republic today at the World Cup.

I just hope this doesn’t kill Americans’ enthusiasm for the World Cup.

---

(obviously, the following joke assumes the U.S. loses it’s WC match today)

MONDAY: The U.S. lost to the Czech Republic today at the World Cup.

The good news is the U.S. soccer team was the largest group of Americans to ever see a World Cup match.

---

MONDAY: It was 12 years ago today that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were murdered in Los Angeles.

Gee, I wonder what O.J. was doing 12 years ago today?

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MONDAY: It was 12 years ago today that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were murdered in Los Angeles.

O.J. celebrated quietly – he didn’t kill anyone.

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MONDAY: It was 12 years ago today that Nicole Brown Simpson and Ronald Goldman were murdered in Los Angeles.

That’s amazing; it seems like just yesterday that O.J. wasn’t a cold blooded murder.

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MONDAY: Last night here on CBS they had the Tony Awards.

I was given a special lifetime lack-of-achievement award.

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MONDAY: Oprah hosted the Tony Awards last night.

She won the crowd over early when she gave everyone in the audience a free car.

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MONDAY: Last night at the Tony Awards “Jersey Boys” won for Best Musical

If you haven’t seen it, “Jersey Boys” is like “The Sopranos” with music.

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MONDAY: Congratulations to Senator Robert Byrd who today officially became the longest serving senator in history.

Here’s how long he’s been around: back when he first became got to Congress, bribes were given out in gold.

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MONDAY: Celebrity birthdays: Former President George Bush turns 82 today.

He celebrated by having dinner with his friends and family and then went home. So, at least one Bush had an exit strategy.

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MONDAY: Yesterday here in New York City they had the annual Puerto Rican Day parade.

All the floats were stolen from other parades.

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FRIDAY: Father’s Day is coming up this weekend.

Every Father’s Day is the same thing for me: my family takes me out to dinner but I always land up paying because of my AARP discount.

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FRIDAY: This Sunday is Father’s Day.

Father’s Day is the day we honor dad by letting him sleep late, eat whatever he wants and watch sports all day – in other words, it’s like any other day.

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FRIDAY: Father’s Day is coming up this weekend.

Last year on Father’s Day my son Harry brought me my favorite breakfast in bed: oatmeal, prune juice and Lipitor.

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FRIDAY: Harry is growing up really fast.

Pretty soon I’m going to have to have “the talk” with him; you know, the one where I explain that I’m not his grandfather.

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FRIDAY: Harry is growing up really fast.

Sometimes I worry about the day when I’ll to have “the talk” with him – but then I realize I’ll be long dead by then.

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FRIDAY: On this day in 1963 Cosmonaut Valentina Tereshkova became the first woman in space.

I believe the first American woman in outer space was Shirlie MacClaine.

---

Over in Germany the World Cup is underway.

Here’s why Americans don’t like soccer: too many strange rules, not enough scoring and not enough juiced up freaks.

---

Over in Germany the World Cup is underway.

I love the World Cup because nothing says exciting like Trinidad and Tobago vs. Paraguay.

---

Over in Afghanistan security forces stopped a man who was riding a donkey loaded with explosives.

Officials say they haven’t seen an ass that loaded since Patrick Kennedy.

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Over in Afghanistan security forces stopped a man who was riding a donkey loaded with explosives.

President Bush said this proves that we’re winning the war against asses of mass destruction.

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I got some exciting news today.

On my way to work this morning I found out my cab driver was named the new leader of Al Qaeda in Iraq.

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Yesterday in Iraq U.S. forces killed Al Qaeda leader Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

They were able to positively identify the body using pictures from his MySpace account.

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Let’s see, so now here are the terror leaders that we’ve either killed or captured: Saddam Hussein, his two sons, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi – yep, I think that’s everybody.

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At the White House today they were all celebrating the fact that we killed Abu Musab al-Zarqawi.

Dick Cheney was out on the East Lawn firing his gun in the air.

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Celebrity birthdays: Barbara Bush turns 81 today.

For her birthday President Bush offered to invade the country of her choice.

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Celebrity birthdays: Joan Rivers turns 73 today.

Friends say she couldn’t stop smiling – you know, because of the plastic surgery.

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Jason Grimsley of the Arizona Diamondbacks has admitted to using performance enhancing drugs and says that he knows other players who have too.

Gee, I wonder who he could be talking about?

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Scientists in Australia say they’ve found 3 billion year-old fossils of microbes.

They say they’re the oldest fossils on earth – other than the cast of “60 Minutes.”

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A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad at Burger King.

The manager apologized profusely and gave her a new salad with a cooked frog.

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A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad at Burger King.

The good news is she was too stoned to care.

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A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad at Burger King.

She said the worst part was the frog ate all of the croutons.

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A woman in the Netherlands found a live frog in her salad at Burger King.

The problem was she ordered the salad with French dressing.

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I don’t like to talk about people when they’re not here but last night’s audience was mean and nasty.

They were so ugly that halfway through the show I was actually wishing the world had ended.

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Over in Indonesia Mount Merapi is showing signs it might erupt soon.

Scientists say it could be the biggest thing to blow since – Monica.

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Over in Indonesia Mount Merapi is spewing lots of smoke and hot air.

Scientists say they haven’t seem something that big spewing that much hot air since Rush Limbaugh.

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Over in Indonesia Mount Merapi is showing signs it might erupt soon.

If it does erupt President Bush has already pledged to send inadequate and slow-arriving aid.

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The vacancy rates for apartments here in Manhattan is at an all time low.

It’s so hard to find housing in Manhattan that even the rats are commuting.

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The vacancy rates for apartments here in Manhattan is at an all time low.

Here’s how hard it is to find housing in Manhattan: earlier today I realized that the homeless guy outside the theater was Donald Trump.

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Paris Hilton has released a new single.

I just hope she makes a video for it.

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Billy Preston, the fifth Beatle, died yesterday at the age of 59.

That means now there’s only a couple of fifth Beatles left.

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Researchers at Harvard University are going to start cloning human embryos.

That’s what we need – more rich, arrogant jerks.

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New documents released by the CIA this week show that the U.S. knew where Adolf Eichmann was in the 1950s but didn’t try to capture him.

The good news is earlier today President Bush vowed to get him dead or alive.

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Hi, I’m Dave I’ll be your host for the night and, despite what you’ve heard, I’m not the antichrist.

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Today is June 6, 2006 or “666.”

The good news is it looks like the world isn’t going to end before midnight. The bad news is that means we have to finish the show.

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Today is June 6, 2006 or “666.”

Here’s how sure I was that the world was going to end today: I actually went to the Hello Deli and ordered the pastrami on rye.

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Last night in Washington a small plane violated restricted airspace.

Just to be safe, they scrambled two military jets and had Dick Cheney grab his gun.

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Last night in Washington a small plane flew off course violated restricted airspace.

Turns out it was just Patrick Kennedy flying home from rehab.

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Patrick Kennedy returned from rehab this week.

This was his second trip to rehab in a year. The good news is if he relapses again his next trip to rehab is free.

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The next season of The Apprentice will take place in Los Angeles.

It’ll be nice for L.A. to get a little exposure for a change.

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Donald Trump said this week that he never changes his baby’s diaper.

Coincidentally, that’s the new job for his latest Apprentice.

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It was 62 years ago today that the D-Day invasion took place.

Those were the days, back when invading a foreign country was fun.

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Congratulations to Casey Affleck and Summer Phoenix who got married this week.

I believe this will be the first divorce for both.

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MONDAY: Yesterday in Washington, D.C. a guy jumped the fence at the White House.

When asked if the president was in his office at the time the Secret Service said “Right – like President Bush is going to work on a Sunday!”

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MONDAY: Yesterday in Washington, D.C. a guy jumped the fence at the White House.

The Secret Service said it was a very dangerous situation – the guy could’ve easily been gunned down by Dick Cheney.

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MONDAY: Yesterday in Washington, D.C. a guy threw plastic bags onto the White House lawn.

It turns out was just a misunderstanding; the guy was trying to deliver bags of laundered cash to Congress.

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MONDAY: Earlier today President Bush announced that he supports a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

I’m thinking this is the kind of thing that could cost him the gay vote.

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MONDAY: Earlier today President Bush announced that he supports a constitutional amendment to ban gay marriage.

He also announced he supports a ban on “Dancing with the Stars.”

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MONDAY: Up in Canada officials say 17 people have been arrested for planning to commit a terrorist act.

They were found with guns, electronics equipment and lots of low cost prescription drugs.

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MONDAY: Officials in Canada said that they’ve recently thwarted a possible Al Qaeda attack.

It was part of Al Qaeda’s plan to disrupt the world’s supply of low cost Viagra.

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MONDAY: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl last week in Africa.

Mom and baby are doing fine, but dad is wondering if it’s too late to get back together with Jennifer Anniston.

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MONDAY: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl last week in Africa.

Doctors say Angelina is doing well but it’ll be a few months before she’ll be ready to start breaking up marriages again.

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MONDAY: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had a baby girl last week in Africa.

Brad cut the baby’s umbilical cord. I believe it’s the first time he’s cut somebody loose like that since he dumped Jennifer Anniston.

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FRIDAY: Over in Germany the World Cup started today.

Here’s the deal on the World Cup: 64 games, 32 teams, one champion and zero Americans who give a crap.

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FRIDAY: Over in Germany the World Cup started today.

The U.S. has a tough draw. They’re in a group with the Czech Republic, Italy and Al Qaeda.

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FRIDAY: Over in Germany the World Cup started today.

Here’s how tight the security is: the German army has secured Poland.

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FRIDAY: Everybody here in New York City has World Cup fever.

Down in Times Square we’ve got hookers from all 32 countries.

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FRIDAY: Everybody here in New York City has World Cup fever.

Earlier today on the subway I saw a guy get busted for illegal use of the hands.

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Anna Nicole Smith announced last week that she’s pregnant.

You know what that means: she’s gold digging for two now.

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There’s a new video out that shows O.J. Simpson having sex with two women.

This is the kind of thing that could give him a bad name.

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There’s a new video out that shows O.J. Simpson having sex with two women.

O.J. denies that it’s him in the video which seems plausible because the guy in the video doesn’t kill anybody.

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Archaeologists in Rome recently discovered the remains of a 3,000 year-old woman.

They said it’s an extremely rare find, because Joan Rivers never goes to Europe.

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A guy in Michigan was arrested for putting a frozen mouse into a Taco Bell burrito and pretending he found it there.

Taco Bell said they couldn’t have put the mouse in the burrito because they always cook the mice in their burritos.

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